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Intro to Felt Surrogacy

[♪♪♪]

♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up Tied up, dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one They all just fade away ♪

Okay, this awkward silence has been going on for days.

Granted, Jeffrey looks amazing when he broods, but this has got to stop.

Now, I don't know what happened, but we have to get to the bottom of this.

It's too embarrassing.

I understand. You don't wanna talk about it, and you won't have to.

They will talk for you.

Why did you make, have, and bring these?

Don't answer. It's puppet therapy.

Mm-hmm. The psychology world has recently embraced it after seeing it on Law & Order.

You'll notice that each puppet is made in your likeness.

They were a rush job. It's not like I had them on hand for personal use.

[CHUCKLES] Excuse me.

Let me just grab this thing that's definitely not a whip.

In addition to being adorable,

I know firsthand that puppet therapy can and does work.

Uh, Dean, puppet Kevin here thinks

I should have a candy bar right now.

No, you know how it winds you up.

[HIGH VOICE] Fine. We'll split it.

[NORMAL VOICE] All right. Got money, bro?

[HIGH VOICE] He's not what he seems!

Wait. Where's Pierce?

I know he's not with us, but is he still with us?

I'm sure he's fine. Although no one's seen him since he lost his mind in the woods.

You all were in the woods? Oh.

Oh, so the puppets are working. Okay.

Uh... Ha, ha.

How did it start? What happened?

We're not playing with puppets. Oh, Jeffrey.

Dean, what happened is between us and Jesus, and Jesus don't snitch.

Yeah, and I don't need a puppet to express myself.

I already say whatever I want.

But I am a fan of the medium, so...

My father is withholding.

Ow. Hmm. That's interesting.

Guys, are we just gonna avoid making eye contact forever?

Who are we, Jeff during sex? BOTH: Huh?

Let's just give it a shot and move on.

Fine. If we're gonna play this game, then unlike sex with Britta, we're gonna do it quickly and with a small shred of dignity.

Eh. Yeah.

Jeffrey, dignity is my middle name, and my first name is...

Dean-nocchio!

[MIMICS GRAND ENTRANCE MUSIC]

Whoo.

It all started on Friday.

Britta was talking about a few of her latest causes.

This one's for the Greendale animal shelter, this one's for global warming, this one's for global cooling--

And this one's for the amount of rubber wasted while making stupid bracelets.

That's called rubber flubbing, and it's a real problem.

Open your eyes, people!

Britta said, "Open your eyes, people." Square.

Nice. What are you two doing?

Oh. Playing Study Group Bingo. Study Group Bingo?

We've been best friends for four years, so we've fallen into a comfortable pattern like humorous misunderstandings on Three's Company or girls gossiping on Gossip Girl.

So to liven things up, Troy and I made this bingo chart of the predictable things we say.

This game is gay.

Square. You're mocking us?

That's not a very Christian thing to do.

Square. Can we go back to studying now?

BOTH: Square. I don't like this game.

Me neither. I think it's mean.

There's no point. Yeah, it's insulting.

Okay, stop. ALL: Square.

Ugh. Abed's right.

We've had the same conversation a million times.

I guess we're kind of stuck in a...

ALL: Rut? Yes.

But to be fair, there's not many things you could be stuck in.

Elevators. Bad marriages.

A peat bog. On a flight in the middle seat.

Time loops. The bottom of a well.

Your own emotions. Quicksand.

[OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE] [EXHALES]

Okay, stop! ALL: Square.

How did we get so predictable?

And here is our state-of-the-art 1989 library, where...

Oh, look! It is my favorite study group.

They all really typify the diversity we have here at Greendale.

Uh, ruggedly handsome leading man...

Heh, heh. A mom, an activist, a perfect student, a lifelong learner, a sidekick, and Abed.

Enough foreplay. It's time to move this tour along to meet my good friend Magnitude!

Yeah, prepare to be pop-popped!

MAN: Aw, he's a national treasure.

Look, the problem isn't us. We're awesome.

The problem is Greendale.

It's pulling our strings, and we need a break.

Yeah, our Ferris Bueller needs a day off.

Hey, whose dad has a vintage Ferrari?

Abed, a pop culture reference is more of the same.

We need to go big. We need an adventure!

That's a good idea, Annie, but there's one problem.

Where would we go?

[♪♪♪]

♪ Where, where Would we go? ♪

♪ We can go anywhere That you know ♪

BOTH: ♪ Could we travel Through time? ♪

♪ Or maybe see France? ♪

♪ Or anywhere else Naked ladies will dance? ♪

♪ Could we fly In a booth ♪

♪ Could we go To church camp? ♪

♪ I'd rather stay At Greendale ♪

♪ Could we ride ♪

♪ A hot air balloon? ♪

ALL: ♪ Yes ♪ ♪ Now, that's an adventure ♪

♪ We should go soon ♪

♪ We can go anywhere In a balloon ♪

ALL: ♪ Yes ♪ ♪ That's an adventure ♪

♪ We can go high ♪

♪ We can see anything Up in the sky ♪

ALL: ♪ Yes, now That's an adventure ♪

♪ Pierce bring your dentures ♪

ALL: ♪ We're so thrilled Because soon ♪

♪ We'll be In a hot air balloon ♪

ALL: ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

Hey, guys.

♪ I'm the balloon guide ♪

♪ Before we take off, I'm Gonna check the balloon ties ♪

♪ Look at the burner Check out the basket ♪

♪ If you have a question Feel free to ask it ♪

♪ Could we go to space? ♪

♪ Could we fly to heaven? ♪

♪ I'd rather fly to Vegas ♪

♪ It's getting time ♪

♪ To ride the balloon ♪

ALL: ♪ Yes, now, this is adventure ♪

♪ About to go soon ♪

♪ We're gonna go anywhere In the balloon ♪

♪ Yes, this is adventure ♪

♪ We're starting to fly ♪

♪ We can see everything Here in the sky ♪

♪ This is adventure ♪

♪ There's beautiful weather Now outside ♪

♪ And we're fine ♪

♪ As long as we have A balloon guide ♪

Uh... Oh, no!

[OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE]

ABED: Oh, boy.

From now on, no more singing in the balloon.

Did I miss it? Miss what?

Who said anything about a runaway balloon?

Okay, let me process this.

[STRAINED INHALE]

No!

Oh, God. Whoa, whoa.

We're really high. PIERCE: I'm scared of heights.

Guys, what are we gonna do?

ANNIE: I had a dream it would end this way.

Oh, Jeffrey, you're on a runaway balloon?

You could have died. You could have died.

How could you almost let him die?

We all almost died, but we all didn't.

Plus, a near-death experience would've only brought us closer together.

Good point.

Although it did get pretty hairy after that, especially once Pierce started helping.

PIERCE: Okay, everyone push down with me at the same time.

One, two, three!

[GROANS]

Come on, people. I can't do this alone.

You can't do it at all. [GROANS]

Oh, look. A downstream.

[GASPS] ALL: Pierce! No!

Whoa!

TROY: If we fly to heaven, please don't tell my grandpa about me and Britta.

[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE]

SHIRLEY: We're so high.

JEFF: This is not good.

There are so many clouds. It's so dark!

I can't even see the Landing Strip or any of the other nudie bars.

Oh, heaven, help us.

We must be a mile above the ground.

That's international airspace.

We're literally above the law.

Jeff can marry any man he wants.

Wait a second, guys.

I think we're starting to go down.

You see? Prayer works.

So does gravity, Shirley.

And you know who invented gravity, right?

ALL: Oh! Whoa!

Guys, let's put a pin in the mysteries of the universe convo until we land.

Which will be sooner than we thought.

We're gaining speed fast, people. Oh! Brace for impact.

Oh, damn you, gravity! Damn you, prayer!

Damn you, Vicki!

[ALL SCREAM]

Has anyone else noticed Professor Duncan hasn't been around for a long time?

[ALL SCREAM]

[♪♪♪]

Maybe I can soften our descent.

Pierce, no! [OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE]

BRITTA: Bring it to me strong, old man monkey strength!

[OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE]

[BIRD CHIRPS]

SHIRLEY: Okay.

Okay, obviously, that was very scary.

Post-traumatic stress is a real issue, but with these puppets giving voice to our feelings, we can begin to heal. Hey, come on.

This is gonna be a long and arduous process.

There's more. Hey, well, excuse Dean for reacting to the natural lull in your story.

I'm so sorry.

When you hurt, I hurt.

[SIGHS]

What happened next?

ABED: Whoa. [SHIRLEY SIGHS]

SHIRLEY: We made it. BRITTA: Everyone okay?

PIERCE: I'm alive. BOTH: Square.

Guys, knock it off. Okay, still alive?

Okay, we're all safe.

We just have to figure out how to get back to Greendale.

But we're in the middle of the woods.

Where do we start?

We need to split into two groups, the survivors and the others. Where's the manifest?

Oh, stop it with your Lost references.

We need to get back home.

What if we're stuck here?

We need to start a prison system.

We'll be stranded here forever, and I've never seen Blue Man Group!

Guys, guys, we're gonna make it outta here.

We gotta relax. We're all gonna be fine.

[GROANS] ALL: Aah!

What is that? I just want to say, if we're gonna die, I love you guys.

I love you all too. I did see Blue Man Group.

I just didn't get it.

Why can't they talk? They have so much in common.

[GROANING AND NERVOUS SIGHING]

[HISSES] Others!

Huh? [HISSES]

[CLEARS THROAT] Oh!

[LAUGHS] I'm sorry.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I didn't mean to startle anybody. Heh.

And I thought my hair looked fake.

Oh, you guys are a long, long way from Greendale.

How did you know we're from Greendale?

Oh, from Pierce's shirt.

How did you know my name is Pierce?

It's embroidered on your Greendale shirt you got at the student store.

How'd you know I got it at the student store?

I'm a touch psychic. ALL: Oh. Huh. Hmm.

Anyway, I used to go to Greendale just like you guys before I came out here to be free.

So this is how Greendale graduates end up... as transient mountain men.

Huh. Not as bad as I thought.

But don't you miss having stuff?

Out here, you have everything you need.

And you can be whoever you wanna be.

ALL: Huh. Oh.

♪ Here in the woods ♪

♪ You're totally free ♪

♪ You can live off the land ♪

♪ And be who you want to be ♪

BOTH: ♪ We can be our own men ♪

♪ And I don't need an A ♪

♪ The perfect mom pressure Would all go away ♪

♪ Greendale is crazy ♪

♪ And so is that moose ♪ Hi, Troy.

♪ Greendale turns People's screws so loose ♪

♪ We're no exception To tell you the truth ♪

♪ Which is why the woods Is perfect ♪

♪ For all of you ♪

♪ Being socially conscious Can be really tough ♪

♪ Ah, here in the woods ♪

♪ You can forget All that stuff ♪

♪ I don't like the pressure ♪

♪ To always be cool ♪

♪ I was gonna Sing that ♪

♪ Now I don't have A rhyme ♪

♪ We all try our hardest ♪

♪ But the pressure in college ♪

SHIRLEY: ♪ Sometimes gets so tremendous ♪

♪ That it would be Stupendous ♪

ANNIE: ♪ To be free ♪

♪ Far away ♪

BOTH: ♪ From Greendale ♪

Mmm, ooh, yummy.

♪ I really love These berries ♪

♪ Where are they from? ♪

♪ My hand just made A rainbow ♪

♪ And my... ♪ ♪ Magic, magic ♪

♪ Well, these magical berries ♪

♪ Put us in a drug sequence ♪

SHIRLEY: ♪ They make Everything swirly ♪

♪ Whoa, that bush Sounds like Shirley ♪

ALL: ♪ Now, we're free ♪

♪ Far away ♪

♪ From Greendale ♪

Be free, my friends.

♪ From Greendale ♪ Be free.

[SIGHING]

Simply inspiring.

Ten minutes ago, you weren't even speaking.

And now, you've admitted that a strange man hand-fed you psychotropic berries.

This is puppet therapy work...

Dean! There is a fire in the cafeteria.

Garrett, not now!

Ohh. Ha, ha.

Where was I? Ah! I was healing you.

Hmm? Go on.

Well, those devil berries freed our minds

and loosened our tongues.

[♪♪♪]

Your skin is so beautiful and soft.

It's like felt.

[OVERLAPPING RELAXED DIALOGUE AND SIGHING]

I feel so free out here, like I'm my own man.

If Jeff said we had to live out here,

I'd totally be down with that.

[SIGHING] Me too.

Can I tell you guys a secret?

Yeah, sure. [OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE]

I was at the grocery store with my kids, and I thought I saw Andre walk by with another woman.

I love women.

Mmm. [SIGHS]

I'm gonna go take a growler.

Anyway, I wanted to follow Andre and the woman, so I left my kids at the magazine stand for just a minute, but somehow

I lost track of time and ended up tailing them all the way out of town.

It wasn't even Andre.

The horrible part is I forgot my kids and left them all night in the grocery store.

[♪♪♪]

Well, there y'all go, giving me that look, treating me like Judas, judging me like Judy.

You know, Judge Judy. She judges people.

Shirley, this is the first I've heard of you leaving your kids in a grocery store.

Me too. I have no memory of you saying that.

Well, if you don't know my secret, why have we all been so awkward around each other?

I thought everyone heard my secret.

I didn't hear you say anything.

So nobody else heard my terrible secret about how I... trail off from time to time?

Did everyone here reveal a secret?

ALL: Mm-hmm. And no one remembers anyone else's, including mine? ALL: Mm-mmm.

Those berries made us real talky, but not real listen-y.

So if no one heard or remembers anything anyone else said...

We're in the clear. We're in the clear.

♪ We're in the clear ♪ I'm a genius!

♪ We're in the clear ♪ Yeah!

♪ We're in the clear ♪ [OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE]

Um, guys?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Well, um, don't mind me.

I'm sure you guys can get on with your lives without the worst mom ever.

[EXHALES]

Sounds good. Anyone up for a movie?

Abed, sit.

Shirley, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

No one thinks you're a bad mom.

Thanks, Jeff, but I'm... I'm just gonna go home now.

Shirley, wait.

I think I know how to make you feel a little less horrible.

BRITTA: I like where you're headed.

Okay, who's holding? I have four berries, but I am saving them for Laser Floyd.

No, we all need to re-share our secrets sober.

Oh, God. Look, we were all feeling crappy earlier, but at least we were feeling crappy together.

Shirley is alone now.

This is the only way to put us on equal footing, and if it makes it any easier, we can use these puppets.

Ah, yay! Shut up.

Okay.

[♪♪♪]

I found the perfect girl for me, and then I met her kid.

♪ I said It didn't bother me ♪

♪ But truthfully it did ♪

♪ I promised him I'd make it ♪

♪ To a baseball game he had ♪

♪ But I bailed And never called again ♪

♪ And now I'm just Exactly like my dad ♪

♪ I am an activist ♪

♪ That's always been My choice ♪

♪ Truth is I've never voted ♪

♪ Except when I watch The Voice ♪

♪ I was struggling In History ♪

♪ I'm normally the best ♪

♪ I let Cornwallis Rub my feet ♪

♪ To give me All the answers to a test ♪

♪ I caused ♪

♪ The Greendale ♪

♪ Fire of '03 ♪

♪ Fifty-five acres ♪

♪ Went up in a blaze ♪

♪ All because I burned An ant hill ♪

ALL: ♪ This secret inside me ♪

♪ Was trapped Beyond a doubt ♪

♪ And now my most terrible ♪

♪ Secret's out ♪

There you are.

Come on, guys.

♪ I've never slept With the great Eartha Kitt ♪

♪ We dry humped Inside of her tour bus ♪

ALL: ♪ This secret inside me ♪

♪ Was trapped Beyond a doubt ♪

♪ And now my most terrible ♪

♪ Secret's out ♪

[EXHALES]

I wanna thank you all for being so open and honest and for syncing your mouth and hand movements.

And now, for my most terrible secret.

I am not what you would call traditionally--

Wait, Abed, you never told us your secret.

That's right. I didn't share one that night.

After we got back from the woods, everyone was being silent and not making eye contact.

I didn't know why, so I mirrored your behavior.

BOTH: Oh... Mmm.

[GIGGLES] Thank you, Jeff, and I don't think you're anything like your father.

I don't know how you take care of one kid, let alone three.

Aw. That's nice.

So nobody thinks I'm a slutty cheater?

ALL: No.

Or me as a criminal? ALL: No.

Nobody respects me any less as a political activist, right?

Well, uh...

The level to which we respect you as a political activist has definitely not changed.

That's right. That's how I would say it.

Exactly. Whew.

Bye, Dean. Bye-bye.

[OVERLAPPING DIALOGUE]

ABED: Knowledge is a party.

Once again, I help fix everyone's problems, only to go home alone.

PUPPET JEFF: [SEDUCTIVELY] Who says you have to be alone?

Jeffrey.

[ABED HUMMING]

[SCATTING]

[BEATBOXING]

[HUMMING]

Yeah!