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Basic Human Anatomy

Come on, guys. I got class in 15 minutes.

This should not be that difficult.

We just need to figure out an idea for our final history project.

What we need to figure out is Greendale's obsession with group assignments.

(SCOFFS) Classic herd mentality.

All right, Britta doesn't have one. Who else?

I've been told I look like a Kennedy.

Nope, not an idea. That's a statement.

Anyone not on medication?

Jeff, we have to take this seriously.

This assignment? This, we have to take seriously?

"Pick any moment from history and tell me about it.

"Be as creative as you want. Or not. I don't care.

"Professor Cornwaaa..."

He didn't even finish signing his name.

Okay, yes, he phoned this one in but my run at valedictorian is in jeopardy.

As is mine. As is Shirley's.

And I just took one for the team by accepting that C+ on our last history paper.

As did I. As did Shirley.

So I'd think you'd want to rise to the occasion and help get me back on top. Or me.

Shirley, I'm speaking for both you and me.

Then, you might want to teach your mouth how to say "we," "our," and "us."

I've been told I look like a Kennedy.

Nope, still just a random statement, and still useless.

Okay. How about this?

We do a series of banners... Great, it's settled.

You don't even know what I'm going to say! Don't need to.

Tomorrow is Friday, and I have no intention of being here late.

Your banner thing sounds doable.

And this assignment? Passable, so passable.

And passable assures my graduation, so we are doing doable and passable.

Uh, speaking of tomorrow, Troy and Britta, have you decided what you're gonna do for your one-year anniversary?

BOTH: Of?

Your first date?

Oh! Yeah! (SCOFFS) Da-doy.

That was a test, and you failed. I was just kidding.

You guys are dating? Man!

Somebody's sure working her way around the table.

Aren't you?

Well, you should really do something special.

Something romantic. Mmm-hmm.

Like go back to Senor Kevin's for lunch, where it all began.

(GIGGLES)

Yeah, sure. We could do that.

Sure, that sounds fun.

Speaking of anniversaries, it is the third anniversary of me and Abed watching Freaky Friday for the first time.

BOTH: Oh! That, you remember?

Movie Trolley is having an "end of the video store chain industry" sale, so I got you a six-pack of body switching movies and a two-year-old box of Raisinets, all for under five bucks. Whoo!

All right, man.

Change Up. 13 Going On 30,

17 Again, 18 Again, Vice Versa...

(SHIRLEY GASPS) Judge Reinhold.

BOTH: Oh.

Freaky Friday.

(STILTED) Oh, Troy, you are so thoughtful.

I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do.

(STILTED) Me? I wish I was more like you.

No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures.

You have it so easy.

No, you do, Troy.

No, you do, Abed.

BOTH: I wish I could switch places with you for just one day!

(BABBLING GIBBERISH)

BOTH: Ah! Oh.

Sorry. Routine light switch check.

(SIGHS) Oh. (SIGHS) I thought that would work.

Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.

♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream

♪ Give me the hope to run out of steam

♪ Somebody said it can be here

♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay

♪ One by one they all just fade away ♪

Mmm. Good morning.

Oh, and, um...

Happy one-year anniversary.

(DIRECT, AS ABED) Yes. That would be this day.

Look, I know that it was awkward yesterday.

They pointed it out and we didn't remember but... (SCOFFS) that doesn't mean that we should feel pressure to make some big deal out of it, right?

No, I'm looking forward to it.

Super looking forward to it. I'm just saying...

Yeah.

Same page.

Excuse me.

Hey, buddy, wake up!

Remember yesterday, when we faked a body switching thing and it didn't work?

Well, now, it's actually worked.

So, right now... I'm you and you're me.

(EMOTING, AS TROY) Oh, my God. This is wrinkling my brain!

And of all the days!

I got my big, important meeting with my study group.

Me too. Oh, boy. Here goes nothing.

Hmm. Hmm.

Huh.

Okay, so we're telling the story of the American Revolution through banners.

Everyone is responsible for one.

To maximize efficiency, I've designated areas:

Colored pencils and markers, paints, puffy paint...

Yes, there's a difference.

Decoupage and glitter and...

This is the approval station, where Shirley and I will decide whether you have to start over or not.

Annie, remember. We're doing doable and passable.

We're doing whatever it takes to help us...

Thank you. ...beat Leonard.

Wait, Leonard is now the front runner for valedictorian?

You're getting beat by Leonard?

(CHUCKLES) He's so old.

All right. Yes, we slipped below Leonard, but Annie and I are a close three and two, respectively.

(LOW) Annie is the three.

That is what "respectively" suggests.

(MUMBLING)

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

(CHUCKLES) Whoa! That was weird.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

We didn't mean to do that. We know exactly where we sit.

Um, what's going on with you guys?

BOTH: Oh, thank God, you noticed.

Remember when we pretended to switch bodies yesterday?

Unfortunately, yes, dorks.

Well, it really happened. I'm actually Abed.

And I'm actually Troy.

All right. I don't care who's who.

We're all here, and that's all I need to complete this passable project in a doable amount of time.

Wish we could help, Jeff, but in order to switch back, we have to recreate the exact moment that all this happened, but the DVD is missing. Of course it is.

So now, I have to find it while Troy goes on an anniversary date with Britta.

What? (MIMICS GUNSHOT)

Oh, hey. Here's a fun sci-fi thing.

How about you make a banner as Troy and you make a banner as Abed, and we'll be done within the hour.

Uh, per banner, if we're lucky.

And that's if we want an A.

Okay, you two need to let go of the pressure you're putting on this project to get an A.

BOTH: I deserve to be number one!

Sorry. Or me!

Sorry.

I have to go talk to Troy.

Yes, please.

Tell your boyfriend and his boyfriend that playtime is over.

Annie, Shirley, go find out what's keeping Leonard on top.

And Abed won't switch back until we get that DVD. I'll deal with that.

And then, we are meeting back here and getting up into some puffy paint and doing our doable, passable banners!

What do you want me to do?

Stay alive.

Or don't.

I'm on it.

Wait, Troy!

I'm Abed. Oh, right.

Uh, "Troy," could you please excuse us?

You were weird this morning, and now, well, weirder.

Are we still on for Senor Kevin's or are you guys doing this whole switchy thing?

Actually, he's kind of going through some stuff.

Oh.

Is he having some issues that he's having trouble dealing with?

Yeah, he kind of needs this, so he's really laying into it.

Oh, so he might need an almost therapist.

Perhaps I'll pencil him in for a session, you know, after my date with Troy.

See you later, Abed.

Dean, I need you.

(GASPS) It's happening. Shut the door.

What? Hmm?

Dean, I need you to give this DVD to Troy and Abed.

Oh, I love those movies!

They should make more of them. They're a timeless tale.

Why can't you give it to them?

Troy and Abed think they switched bodies while holding onto a Freaky Friday DVD, which, of course, is now mysteriously missing, and they can't switch back until they find it.

Now, I'd give them this one myself, but they'll think that I bought it, which I did.

Wait.

How did they switch bodies?

(SCOFFS) Well, they held onto the DVD and said...

BOTH: I wish I could switch places with you for just one day.

Oh! Oh!

Ah! (GASPS)

Sorry. Routine light switch check.

That is not a thing!

What?

(DEEP, AS JEFF) Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

I'm you?

What? No! You're not.

Of course. It's fricking Friday.

There's no justification to be made, because it can't happen, weirdo.

Whatever, Dean. Now, please leave your office so I can start to work on your weird body that I'm now stuck in!

You're not even holding a phone!

So, Troy, how's Abed coping?

I mean, with his day in your body?

You'd have to ask him. I, for one, am freaked.

Look at his arms and legs.

He's like the pick-up sticks of people.

Do you think he's trying to hide from something he's not understanding?

If you're worried about Abed, you should talk to him.

Right. I should talk to him.

Well, well, well. John McLame.

Never thought I'd see your face again.

Back for more, huh?

I'm sorry, back for what?

Punishment.

Last time I saw you, you got your panties all in a wad

'cause I said Die Hard was a suckfest of a movie.

(FORCED) Wait, what? You hate Die Hard?

That sounds insane to me.

It is, without a doubt, the most unnecessary movie ever made.

I'm not who you think I am, man.

What else do you hate about the movie?

'Cause I would love to hear all of your opinions.

(LAUGHING) Well, I mean, where to even start?

It's riddled with plot holes. There's no logic to it.

I would rather watch a napkin sit and do nothing all day than to even endure the trailer for Die Hard!

Wow, that's hatred.

Babe, we should order.

I'm both starving and another word for wanting food.

Troy!

Oh, thank God, you've come to your senses.

You answered to Troy.

We're in public. I have to. I'm Abed.

Of course you are.

Well, Abed, I found the DVD. You can switch back now.

(CHUCKLES) Nice try. That's the remake.

In the original, the mom and daughter simply exclaimed,

"I wish I could switch places with you for just one day."

Like we did.

In that one, there's a magic fortune cookie.

Oh, I always wondered what the differences were.

Listen, why don't I pitch you a remake of a remake, where my magic mouth tells you drop the act because Abed isn't even here.

Then, you cough up the DVD and we go tell Abed you're back in your own bodies, so we can go do doable and passable banners.

First, that's a terrible movie.

Second, I understand why you're frustrated, it's in your nature, but this is happening.

This happened. So, unless we find that DVD...

Oh, no, let's go find this DVD.

By all means, let's waste more of my life.

Now, we were the last ones to leave the study room last night.

Maybe one of the janitors took it.

Great. Let's go find that janitor.

Maybe you can switch bodies with him, or maybe with his magic mop...

Stop pitching. It's not your thing.

You're right, that's ridiculous, unlike what we're doing.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Dean?

Yeah, come in.

I'd stop what I'm doing, but then I'd be depriving you of the view.

You're welcome. What's up?

Um, is this a bad time?

Uh, I'm in Greendale, stuck in the body of a man who could be Gollum's shadow, so yeah, I'd say it's half past suck.

(LAUGHS) Totally.

"Half past suck." That's funny.

Okay. That's creepy.

Uh, Dean.

We're losing to Leonard in the race of valedictorian, and we were wondering if we could take a peek at his transcripts to see how that is even possible.

Are you serious? Mmm.

You mean put my integrity on the line?

You want me to jeopardize the very reputation of this school that I've spent so long protecting?

You're right. We're sorry.

And that is what I would be saying if I gave a crap.

Awesome!

Ah, here's the answer.

Back in 1968, Leonard got an A in rotary phone maintenance.

Since then, he's been taking every other class pass/fail to keep a perfect GPA.

Well, what does this mean?

It means we're taking an old man down.

(GASPS) Ooh.

You're welcome.

What is wrong with you?

I don't know.

How's your bean burrito?

Good. Thank you for ordering for me.

I know what you always get.

Yeah, you know me so well.

I know a lot about you.

I know you grind your teeth at night, it keeps me up.

I know about your tattoo. Which one?

The Greenpeace one you haven't gotten yet because you're afraid of needles.

Did Troy tell you these things?

I am Troy.

Well, it must upset Abed to hear all of this relationship talk.

He doesn't seem to care. Maybe.

But maybe he doesn't like talking to you about us.

I could see that causing him to act out.

Nah, I don't see that.

I don't think he's that invested in us.

But he talks to you about us.

I talk to him.

What do you say when you talk to him about us?

Do you tell him that things are good?

I don't know. Are they?

Well, what you think? Well...

I guess I wonder why we didn't remember our anniversary.

Not everybody's Annie. No, but I don't know.

Seems like, you know, that would be special to us, like, especially if things were good.

Something we'd want to celebrate.

Well, we are.

Are we?

(LAUGHTER) Yes, Lord Brickell,

I was indeed down by the stables.

Damn, man. You ever heard of knocking?

Yup, just heard it, when I did it a second ago.

They've seen too much! Let's kill them!

Stand down, Crazy Schmidt.

What we're doing here is none of their business.

We're having Murder Mystery Night during the day.

I was fine with "none of your business."

We're looking for a Freaky Friday DVD.

Oh, I love those movies. They should make more of those...

Nope. We left it in study room "F" last night.

Well, everything we find goes straight to the Lost and Found.

Great, show us.

And the "wasting my life" tour continues.

Leonard!

We just looked at your transcript.

I knew this day would come. I'm outta here.

There you go. My work here is done.

You're one and two again.

Now, you can direct your anger and resentment at each other.

Congrats.

Classic wrap-up.

Shut up, Leonard!

I've got a picture of your old nose!

It was a lateral move! Dean!

(TURNED ON) Dean. Annie.

Why is this happening?

Holy Makes-Complete- Sense-At-This-School!

FYI, one of these piles is load-bearing, so, uh, yeah, watch that.

Jeez.

This is gonna be harder than I thought.

This DVD isn't gonna find itself.

And neither are we, Troy, because it's not in here, and you know that.

This is dumb.

Why are you so committed to this bit?

If you're really a friend to Abed, to me, then you'll end it, now.

Sorry.

I have to keep going, for Troy.

You don't have to dig through all this stuff. I will.

I know it isn't your problem.

I'm just glad I'm here.

This is the sweeter end of the deal.

Troy still has to go on his date with Britta.

I don't understand this whole relationship thing or why Troy would even want to be in one.

How long have you felt this way?

Or at least, how long have you been talking to Abed about this?

Not that long.

It's more lately, I guess.

It's felt different, like we're working at it too hard.

And he doesn't think it should be.

It should be easy, but he says it isn't.

It feels like we're just going through the motions.

Because he's afraid if he doesn't, it just ends. Then what?

What if they're not friends anymore?

He'd hate that. He'd hate himself.

I don't want to lose what we had.

So he's here, at this point, not knowing how to talk to her, not knowing how to tell her that he wants to break up.

Wait, are you breaking up with me?

I think so?

I'm sorry, Jeff.

I shouldn't have brought you down here, into any of this.

Especially for a bit. I know you don't respect them.

That's true. They're dumb, and I stand by that, but committing to them isn't.

I wish I had the courage to commit to a bit like you, Abed, or to a relationship, like Troy.

Committing is hard, because we're all scared of what happens when we find out we committed to the wrong thing, but there's no shame in what Troy's done.

He put himself out there and he really tried, and that proves he cares.

That said, and as hard as it may seem, right now, Troy needs to show he cares.

He needs to put himself out there and own how he feels.

That proves he's a man.

So...

Yeah, I don't think this is the way either of us thought this would go.

No, I can't say that I did.

I mean, not this, not us here.

(SIGHS)

But I can say that whenever you guys switch back to your original bodies,

I want to thank Abed for being such a good friend to both of us.

Troy, wait.

Don't do it like this.

I understand why you had to go high concept, because you're scared, but Britta deserves better.

Troy, it's time.

BOTH: I wish I had my own body back!

(BABBLING GIBBERISH)

Sorry, routine light switch check.

(BABBLING CONTINUES)

Oh. Hmm.

Oh, I've been meaning to see this.

First, the easiest part, because it's the most obvious.

I'm sorry.

I think I proved today that I'm not ready for this.

I wanted it to work. I did.

I care about you so much, and I love being around you.

I just think I'm better as your friend, because that I know I can be good at.

So I'm number two again, which is what it is.

But, you know, if I'm not going to be valedictorian,

I'm glad it will be you.

Mmm, me too.

You mean, you hope it's me if it's not you, or that you're glad it's you?

Yes.

Thanks for everything you did for me today.

I'm sorry I pulled you into it.

That was my problem, not yours.

It's the best way someone's ever woken me up in my life.

How was lunch?

It was good. It really was.

I'll tell you about it later.

Oh, there you are.

I got bored waiting, so I went ahead and did our whole project.

(CHUCKLES) Pierce, no offense, but banners are kind of my...

Oh.

Holy Makes-No- Sense-Whatsoever.

PIERCE: Whole thing took 25 minutes tops.

ALL: Huh.

Early weekend? Early weekend? Early weekend?

Guys, I need to apologize for my behavior today.

When I switched bodies with Jeffrey... Nope.

I thought I knew what it would be like to have Jeffrey inside of me...

That did not happen. ...but as it turns out, having Jeffrey inside of me... Nope again.

...only brought out the worst in me.

Which is to say, having Jeffrey inside of me...

No one was inside of anyone!

...was wrong...

...to have Jeffrey inside of me. Shut up!

So I'm sorry.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I scolded Leonard today, and according to Greendale bylaws,

I now have to grant him three wishes.

Um, we need to get scolded by the dean immediately.

SHIRLEY: Mmm-hmm.

Oh, man. Football is "frun." That is an interest I have.

Also, plumbing and air conditioning are things I think about.

(LAUGHS)

Come on, man. What are we... What's happening?

I couldn't... I'm sorry, keep rolling.

Okay. Come on.

Feetball is... (LAUGHS)

"Feetball"? "Feetball"!

Did I say... Dorks!

Stop doing outtakes. You switched bodies last week.

Hey, guys, I just want to apologize...

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God! Hey, Dean, walk much?

Am I right? (LAUGHING) I'm sorry, I never do this.

Dean, we stopped doing outtakes.

Oh, okay. Yeah, we did that.

Oh, no worries. Thanks for including me. Okay.

Whoa! (CHUCKLES)

No? Still not doing it? Okay.