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Basic Intergluteal Numismatics

(THUNDER)

(GIGGLES) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Oh.

Please stay for complimentary saltines and full-price sodas.

But first, the dulcet tones of the Bennett boys.

BOTH: ♪ When you were here before

♪ Couldn't look you in the eye

(THUNDER)

♪ You're just like an angel

♪ Your skin makes me cry

Bro, free crackers.

Want to spend your life opening lockers?

You don't have to raise your voice!

I'm going as fast as I can!

BOTH: ♪ You float like a feather

Oh, great, now I have these folders to deal with!

Et tu, pencil?

♪ In a beautiful world ♪

When it rains, it pours.

BOTH: ♪ I wish I was special ♪

(GASPS)

(DISTANT SCREAM)

Ass Crack Bandit!

(SCREAMING IN CROWD)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) MAN: Let's settle down!

Guys, what is known...

What's known is that around noon yesterday, an unidentified student dropped a coin in another student's, you know, upper buttock fold.

(CLAMORING) Yes, yes.

Gwen Ridley, Greendale Gazette.

Is this the return of the Ass Crack Bandit?

Okay, that person, Gwen, if he ever existed, stopped being active over a year ago.

(CLAMOR) Yeah.

Tim Briggs, Breendale Mirror.

Is it true that after the attack, you received a letter from the Ass Crack Bandit?

I never said that, Tim, and when did we split The Gazette from The Mirror?

And how many photographs do you people need?

Raul Lopez, Las Noticias Hispanicas De Greendale.

Will this affect soccer? (CROWD CLAMORING)

We did, in fact, receive a letter an hour after the incident.

Including details not known to the public about the brand of Garrett's underwear.

Hanes his ways.

"I am the Ass Crack Bandit.

"Humans make better banks than piggies.

"Whenever I get more change at the store,

"I can't wait to drop it down your butts.

"I think I will go to the bank and get so much change

"and take all my dollars and make them into change

"and drop it all down there."

He should be called "The Run-On Sentence Bandit."

From this moment, people, we are at DEFCON 4.

If that's the highest DEFCON, and if high DEFCONs are worse than low ones.

Ah, you all remember psychology Professor Duncan.

Hey, buddy. Where'd you go?

I was taking care of my sick mother.

She's still alive, but I've put in my time.

Britta.

Oh, Pierce, good for you. I always thought that hairpiece was a bit cowardly.

Duncan is going to help us work up something called a "profile."

So we can root this student out.

For the record, I tried to get something done about this two years ago.

This is not about you, Annie. This is about the school.

This is the biggest PR. Crisis to hit Greendale since we held that rally protesting the wrong Korea.

Jeffrey, how can you help?

I'll take a look at the whole picture, see if any pieces match up.

(AUTOMATED WOMAN VOICE) Double fruit bonus.

(VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS) MAN: Crikey! Kiwi combo, mate.

I took a map of the campus and pinpointed all the locations of the Ass Crack Bandit strikes.

MAN: You can't handle the fruit.

During the bandit's most daring spree, he cracked three people in a row.

Today, I sprinted between all three sites.

My quickest time was 20 minutes.

The ACB, did it in 10.

So he's got long legs.

I think he has something I don't, a shortcut.

The faculty lounge.

You think the bandit's a teacher?

The dean's not gonna help me pursue this. I need help.

MAN: Pineapple penalty, fool!

No! Unfair and racist.

Look, no way, Annie.

Look, the faculty already hates me, and the dean signs my paychecks.

But this is important!

I can assure you that's not true.

MAN: Fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit!

Collect the seeds, sucka!

(ANSWERING MACHINE) After the tone, please leave a message.

(BEEP) Hey, Abed. Lab ran late.

What'd Annie get us for dinner?

I hope it's not salad again.

(CREAKING)

I'd rather just stop at the meat store.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

All right. Talk to you later.

Oh.

Well, hello.

(THUNDER) Oh!

(RADIO CHATTER) (GAGS)

Will you stop with the cups and the blankets?

This is how they comfort victims in movies.

Okay, I am hereby banning change from this campus.

You really think that's an effective...

Well, guess what, your two cents is change, and it's banned.

Got something.

Frankie, somebody get me a bag.

Oh, give me that.

"I hope you enjoyed my work again.

"You can't stop me, because what are you gonna do,

"not have butts?" Oof.

Dean, I think it's a teacher.

I beg your what?

I have evidence that shows...

Yeah, and I have evidence that shows I'm not listening.

Exhibit "A," exhibit "B." La la la la la la.

(SCOFFS) This is never gonna end if you keep choosing politics over justice.

Okay, you want to make trouble?

Go to Parker brothers. You're out.

(SCOFFS) Take it easy.

Taking it easy is how Troy ended up with a quarter of a buck in his crack.

Annie, nobody's asking you to do this...

Jeff, come on! You know how this school works.

We do it, or it doesn't get done.

The men on our coins understood that.

Maybe the Ass Crack Bandit's point is that we're letting our values slide.

Or maybe he's a frat boy coming from the laundromat.

The important question is "Who cares?"

(SCOFFS)

Look, let me know what you need from me, on the down low. Way down low.

(SQUEALS QUIETLY) And no squealing.

Okay, squeal. (SQUEALS LOUDLY)

(ON RADIO) Real Neil here, five days into the return of the Ass Crack Bandit.

MAN: It's alive!

NEIL: Since we last spoke,

three more victims have caught the quarter,

with no end in sight.

Safety pants, 100 bucks a pop.

All sandwiches $5.

Sorry, no change. Blame the bandit.

Here's a song that's been shooting up the request line

faster than coins are dropping.

♪ It said quarter to five

♪ But it was quarter to ass

♪ You thought your plumbing was safe

♪ But your jeans were half-mast

♪ Another coin down the drain

♪ Now, that's some change that won't last ♪

The nature of the Ass Crack Bandit's crimes would suggest that he's angry or just fell in love.

We know that he hates money or loves it or doesn't care about money and hates butts or loves them.

Mmm. Abed, you're special.

Can't you just stand at the scene of the crime and see what happened?

Yeah.

(EERIE MUSIC)

I see a man, using a social disorder as a procedural device.

Wait, wait, wait, I see another man.

Mildly autistic super detectives everywhere.

Basic cable, broadcast networks.

Pain. Painful writing.

It hurts.

Okay, ooh, la la. Hickey, what have you got?

Heartburn. It doesn't help me catch criminals.

Okay. I didn't want to take drastic measures, but I've cooked up a little something.

Chang?

(WHISTLING)

You better put a quarter in that crack, Mr. Bandit.

Professor Hickey. (GROANS)

CHANG: Whoops.

Hah! Gotcha!

Whoa! Ha, what do you think?

I think this is spending too much money on a crime that nets you 25 cents a pop.

Ah, no, no. This was free.

Then I think you just admitted you already owned a fake butt.

"I am the mad hatter, if hats were butts.

"I am neither left nor right. I am the space between.

"To me, you're all like ants

"marching to class, freaks on parade."

I mean, why mix metaphors? Ants don't have butts.

Wait a minute.

Ants do have butts. No.

These are Dave lyrics.

Dave? Dave Matthews.

Hard-core fans call him Dave.

Oh, excuse me for being alive in the '90s and having two ears connected to a heart.

Okay, so all we need to do is assemble a list of which Greendale teachers are Dave Matthews fans.

Guess we better get to work.

(BACH'S SUITE NO. 3 PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Done. Oh.

Thought that would take longer.

TROY: So please approve the dean's new security measure called "Troy's Law" because a camera in the bathroom...

...is better than a quarter in your butt.

(APPLAUSE)

As we've seen, the Ass Crack Bandit can be defeated by using the three "B"s, belts, briefs and buddies. Good.

The bandit always gets his victims when they're alone.

Bend over with friends over.

There's safety in numbers.

(SCREAMS)

I got cracked!

(SCREAMS) He's under the bleachers!

Everyone remain calm, please!

All right, free-for-all!

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

Hey. Where you been?

I questioned Guterman. We can cross him off.

At the time of the first cracking, he was chaperoning Greendale's science dance.

The student that attended can vouch for him.

I checked out Mrs. Plimpton.

Airtight alibi. She's dead.

Next on my list is this one.

Bublitz. We're close, I can feel it.

CHANG: Mmm!

This extra-long churro tastes good in my real mouth.

Nom nom nom nom nom.

May I help you?

We'd like to ask you a few questions. If that's okay.

He's bolting!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

He's there!

If you're going to confiscate this, know one thing.

It's a mild, kind sativa, perfect for playing guitar.

There's been another...

What the hell?

Destroying classrooms?

Secretly investigating teachers behind my back?

Someone has to investigate the faculty, but you're like a single-celled organism, no nerve.

Annie, you're suspended.

Wait, you can't do that!

Don't tell me what I can't do.

What do you think you are, Cosmo's July quiz?

She was trying to help you.

Let me ask you two something.

Let me be, like, the 50th person at this school to ask, what is this, huh?

What is this creepy business? BOTH: What?

I think you two like to partner up on cutesy capers so you can hold hands in the dark and address your urges in semi-acceptable scenarios.

Whoa, not cool!

You not cool! You unprofessional!

I'm punishing you, Jeffrey.

Starting next week, you are the new coach of the water polo team.

BOTH: What? That's right.

Every morning, in the water...

(PHONE RINGING) Mmm.

Craig Pelton, dean and assistant water polo coach.

What?

(DISTORTED) This is the Ass Crack Bandit.

Uh... (SNAPPING FINGERS) I find it funny

that you ever thought you could catch me.

Oh, that's very interesting. Please continue.

I've enjoyed our game of cat and mouse.

It's funny how close your two little helpers came to catching me.

I liked watching them run in circles.

Although sometimes I wonder,

are they chasing me as an excuse to get near each other?

I mean, get a room already.

We're friends!

Why don't you tell us where you are, and we'll discuss it?

I am the bringer of change. I am the filler of cracks.

Oh, that's very interesting. I myself was in 4H.

(CLICKS AND DIAL TONE) Oh!

Trace the call, Rhonda!

(SNAPPING) This means trace the call!

Look at the extension.

594. Okay.

Tracing...

Tracing.

Got it, the stables! We have stables?

Let's go.

(ANNIE GRUNTS)

Creepy. PELTON: I don't know.

Add some doilies and a foot bath, and this is my mom's house.

STAR-BURNS: Mush! Mush!

Mush! Yah! Mush!

No, run. Mush! Mush!

Star-Burns?

(SIGHS) (CATS MEOWING)

Since faking his death to escape meth charges,

Alex "Star-Burns" Osbourne, has been living in the stables, eating garbage, and trying to build a cat car.

He's also confessed to dropping coins down exposed butt cracks.

Case closed.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

High five? Sure.

No. Oh, American high five. Sorry.

(CHUCKLES) Whoo!

(APPLAUSE DIES DOWN)

WOMAN: Oh! MAN: Ooh!

So much pain.

But now it's time to heal!

You're all invited to the official

"We caught the Ass Crack Bandit" dance tonight in the cafeteria!

(APPLAUSE)

Jeff!

There's no way Star-Burns did it.

Innocent people don't confess. Are you kidding me?

You knew it was a teacher. You know that doesn't add up.

Maybe I was wrong.

Or maybe the dean was right about us.

What? No.

Annie, I took this case because I wanted to help you.

Then what is this?

It's platonic shoulder holding. Look.

Leonard, hello, how are you?

It's a guy who puts quarters down butt cracks, Jeff.

Let's just let it go.

(SIGHS)

We can do better.

STAR-BURNS: Aah! Change is money!

What are you guys, millionaires?

T-shirts here! Cracked but not broken, huh?

Who's in? T-shirts!

T-shirts here! 20 bucks.

Professor Duncan? Yeah?

Not going to the dance? I'll go later.

Oh, actually, would you mind coming and getting me when Britta's drunk?

Listen, as Britta's friend, I should give you this ad...

(DAVE MATTHEWS BAND'S ANTS MARCHING PLAYING)

Yes! That is my jam right there.

Dave Matthews fan?

Obviously you're not.

Real fans call him Dave.

STAR-BURNS: ♪ Bum Bum Bum ♪

I've heard this song before. Hey, winger, who is this?

What are you talking about? You don't know who this is?

I remember it from the '90s.

♪ Hee Haw Haw Haw Hee haw haw ♪

It's Dave. Lee Roth?

You're not the Ass Crack Bandit.

Shh! Keep it down, huh? I made a deal with the dean.

He said as long as I confessed, he'd let me slide on the meth stuff, and then he'd buy me a space heater for my stable.

Yeah, but why call the dean and pretend that...

I didn't call no dean. I don't call nobody don't call me.

I got to go backstage once and meet the whole band, everyone, except Dave.

There's a whole album of photos online if you go to...

You actually wouldn't be able to access it.

I use an older, British form of Facebook called "Mug-scroll."

(THUNDER)

(MUSIC CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND)

I guess I should be going. No, no, stay.

We're just getting to know each other.

I really shouldn't, I have a...

Oopsie.

Aren't you going to pick those up?

Yes.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Just reach down with your hand and...

Bye!

(DISTORTED) This is the Ass Crack Bandit.

I find it funny that you ever thought you could catch me.

Jeff.

It's Duncan.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Annie?

Jeff?

Very nice. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, bloody hell, my shoe is untied by British standards.

(GRUNTS) Here we go.

One bunny, two bunnies.

Oh! Get Britta!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

JEFF: Annie! Did Duncan get cracked?

ANNIE: Where's the bandit? Do you see him?

JEFF: Over there! ANNIE: Come on, let's get him!

Shirley, what are you doing?

Looking for you.

Did you see someone come this way?

Jeff, Annie, Pierce is dead.

MAN: (OVER RADIO) Tonight's celebration was cut short by some tragic news.

Pierce Hawthorne, 14-year Greendale student,

entrepreneur, and expert heart attack faker

has passed away, for real this time.

Pierce had been recently banned from campus,

but not from our hearts.

He's survived by many ex-wives

and all of us here at Greendale that called him friend.

If you're listening, Pierce, you were a hell of a D&D player.

It's time to level up.

Up next on the dial is Dr. Farts.

(PARTY HORN TOOTS)

I can't believe Pierce is gone.

Yeah.

Life is weird.

It's a container for all this little stuff, and you get caught up in it.

And then, the container just...

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

That hallway led to a dead end.

We might've had him.

I should get home. Haven't slept.

The case goes cold again.

Don't worry. I got a feeling he'll be back.

Or her.

(SOULFUL MUSIC)

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ 25 cents at a time he's taking our souls

♪ Government men can't help, we're all alone

♪ Are you feeling the breeze?

♪ Did you pull your belt tight?

♪ You know that it's wrong, you know that it's right

♪ Out of the shadows down the coin goes

♪ Why, oh, why do you suppose?

♪ Only the bandit knows

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh

♪ A-S-S C-R-A-C-K Bandit

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh

♪ A-S-S C-R-A-C-K can't stand it ♪

STAR-BURNS: You know, climate change is threatening our world,

but there is a solution.

The cat car,

the world's first animal-powered vehicle.

My original prototype was hunger-based.

But sometimes, cats aren't hungry.

My new model will use a rear-fixed dog system.

But dogs cost money, your money.

By donating to this project, you'll be like an investor, except without taking all my profits.

Donate $5, and you get a thank-you email.

$50 gets you a T-shirt.

$100 gets you a T-shirt and a thank-you email. (CAT MEOWS)

All aboard the cat car, and all aboard helping our nation's global warming.

MAN: Did you get any of that?