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App Development and Condiments

Okay, we'll get an estimate on adding grass to the soccer field.

Good meeting.

Oh, Jeff, what time's dinner?

Uh, dinner?

Jeff, you didn't invite Shirley?

Well, it's Tuesday.

Shirley always goes to Elijah's karate practice on Tuesdays.

It's okay.

Part of making sacrifices for my loved ones is not expecting my loved ones to make sacrifices.

BOTH: Aw.

I can do tomorrow. (SIGHS) I can't

I'm free on Fridays and Mondays...

(SHOUTS) We're not moving it!

When Shirley can have dinner, we'll have another dinner, because it's just dinner.

And there's no need to manipulate each other.

You know that's what you do.

You know you're doing it now with that face.

You don't like my face?

ALL: Aw!

Hello, save Greendale committee.

This is David and Bixel.

They're app designers.

They'd like to beta test their latest social-networking app on our campus, which could be good for us.

Look what Facebook did for Harvard, right?

Hey, guys. Bixel and I would like to introduce you to a little app called meowmeowbeenz.

Ooh.

Meowmeowbeenz lets you say how much you like, who you like, when you like, all from a standard non-boost mobile phone.

Let's see how it works.

Bixel, what did you think of the way the dean introduced us?

(CHIMES) I thought he did great.

That's why I'm giving him five meowmeowbeenz.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Aw.

Well, Bixel, I'm sorry, but I thought his intro was just okay.

That's why I'm gonna give him two out of five meowmeowbeenz.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) My meowmeowbeenz.

With meowmeowbeenz, students can rate teachers.

Teachers can rate students.

Everyone and anyone can rate each other.

BOTH: Meowmeowbeenz.

You know...

I could...

I fought for this country, and I know you don't get to pick and choose the parts you fight for, but I know...

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

I should go number two soon.

(SCOFFS)

♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream

♪ Give me the hope to run out of steam

♪ Somebody said it can be here

♪ We could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay

♪ One by one they all just fade away ♪

Hurry up! I'm late for human rights class.

I'm sorry.

Why is Star-Burns carrying Garrett's books?

It's like toast bossing crackers around.

I mean, I guess.

Garrett's got three meowmeowbeenz. Star- Burns is a two.

Are you telling me people are actually using this stupid app?

It's addictively effective. No, it's effectively stupid.

There already was a rating system in place called

"cool people get more," and it was working fine.

Meowmeowbeenz takes everything subjective and unspoken about human interaction and reduces it to explicit, objective numbers.

I've never felt more alive.

As long as you're happy, I'm unsettled.

(WINCING) Hey, guys.

What happened to you?

I sat on a toilet so long, my feet fell asleep, then I noticed limping was getting meowmeowbeenz, so I just kind of started committing.

Did you understand a word he said? Mmm-hmm.

Hey, here you go.

Here you go.

Nobody is gonna down-vote a guy on his birthday.

Wait. Are you using meowmeowbeenz?

If you can't kill it, join it.

When you get older, you're gonna see the warning signs.

Mark Zuckerberg is Fidel Castro in flip-flops.

Meowmeowbeenz is gonna make East Berlin look like Woodstock.

You take my word for that.

Do you own stock in Trivial Pursuit's baby boom edition?

(SCOFFS)

Britta. What...

Please tell me you're not using this app.

Uh, I liked the idea at first, giving a voice to the unheard, but then Annie just told me that the rating system is exponentially weighted.

As your ratings go up, your ratings of other people become more important.

No.

It just means the more others like you, the more likeable you can make others. It makes sense to me.

You know who else it made sense to?

Say "Hitler" one more time, and I'm giving you a two.

Jeff, are you not registered?

The longer you wait, the harder it's gonna be to get your number up.

Annie!

Listen to yourself.

You're learning its language.

You're letting a video game play you.

I got to set these people straight.

Hey, hey, uh...

Students of Greendale!

We don't have to worship a calculator!

There is no formula for people!

(ALL GRUMBLING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Oh.

You're punishing me for being alive!

That's the general idea, baby.

You're gonna think I'm joking, but you were getting through to me more with mustard on your lip. Oh, shut up.

He's not kidding, Britta. I thought I was imagining it.

When you had mustard on your lip,

I was more open to your opinion.

Maybe it dilutes or distracts from your excessive intensity.

Maybe it dilutes or distracts from your stupid butt.

Hmm.

SHIRLEY: How you doing, Rog?

Hey, charlotte. I see what you did there.

(LAUGHS) Vicki, I love this.

Shirley's a five.

How?

She's nice to people, Jeff. You know Shirley.

Oh, Vicki, thank you.

Did you just give me four meowmeowbeenz?

Um...

I love my four from Vicki.

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

No!

Stop it!

I didn't mean it.

(SOBS)

Yeah.

I do know Shirley.

(SHOUTS) Oh!

We should be having brownies.

ANNIE: I'm going to help Shirley.

Not a bad idea for you, Britta.

She could make you a two again.

Screw your twos, and screw meowmeowbeenz.

I know that's your one talking.

What are you doing?

Registering for meowmeowbeenz.

I'm gonna become a five and expose this thing for the sham it is.

Oh, now you're speaking my language.

That's unintentional, trust me. Mmm.

Just make sure you know the real reason you're doing something, or you'll fail before you start.

That's actually a good point.

It is? Why?

Oh, come on!

So I'm like, "That's two cups," and she's like, "What?"

I'm like, "Two cups, balls back, tops off."

(ALL LAUGHING)

All right, Trent, Mulch,

Dave, Herpie, Clutch, Dirt mouth, Rope,

Tingles, Catwoman, Steve.

All right, keep it floppy.

Haul it, ball it, never call it.

Girls are objects.

ALL: Yeah!

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(CHUCKLES) Two meowmeowbeenz.

Congratulations.

Abed was just explaining that the fives get to choose what setting the air conditioning is on.

ABED: Yep.

Is it me, or are more people wearing gray.

I feel like I'm in a commercial, and someone's about to hand me a starburst.

Threes and twos tend to wear neutral colors.

Looking like you want to move up can get you moved down.

BOY: Abed, hey.

Hi. Come on. Come here.

Those are other threes.

We talk about how we're glad we're not twos.

Small talk, guys.

I make small talk now.

Hello, Jeffrey.

I see you decided to join meowmeowbeenz.

Oh, it's a great tool for living.

You look great.

You look great.

You know what you're doing.

You know what you're doing.

I'm watching you, okay?

Mmm, mmm. Mmm, mmm.

Yeah, you'll be watching my hinder, mama, and choking on its billowing plume of highly rated dust.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Fours and above only.

These are snacks for the fives.

Yeah? You're a two.

Leonard, would you rather a three serve the fives food?

No.

It is no secret that the threes and twos are growing suspicious of the fours and fives.

All I know is that it's my birthday.

What if we give these people something to believe in again?

Koogler?

Hey. I know what you guys think of me, okay?

"Hey, it's Koogler."

You know. "He's cool."

(CHUCKLES) "He likes to get laid. He's not that old."

But I'm a five because I know what the twos and the threes need.

What do we all need?

Entertainment.

A talent show.

An event where threes and twos can rise and fall.

It helps people believe in the system.

Give my spot to someone else. I don't want to be a five.

I was happy as a three. I'm miserable.

Oh, dear Abed.

So humble.

(CELL PHONES BEEPING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

You people are monsters.

Well, if there's nothing else, then...

Speak.

Headline items... a few twos broke into a supply closet and stole a box of peanut butter.

The futurization of the campus decor is almost complete.

And a few hours ago, Jeff winger became a four.

That's nice.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You there, girl.

How many meowmeowbeenz?

(STAMMERS) Two!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Two? Are you lost, two?

Yes. Are you lost, two?

I'll escort her to the common area.

You're a four?

I don't recognize you.

He's new beenz.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Bye-bye, new beenz.

PELTON: (OVER PA) Threes and twos must leave building one after 7:00.

Building one after 7:00 is fours only.

What are you doing here?

How goes the revolution?

I can't break a four.

It's impossible to get any higher without half the fives in your corner.

They got this thing locked up.

Yeah, but they're nervous.

They're hosting a talent show to prove that anyone can be a five.

If you enter it, you'll be center stage with all eyes on you, and you can tell everyone this isn't democracy.

This is tyranny.

I'm sorry. Can you put some mustard...

I shouldn't have to put mustard on my face for this to make sense.

You know we have to take this system down.

(GASPS)

You know...

I once loved a two.

(SIGHS) Matthew...

He was my everything.

But numbers change.

I'll keep your secret, new beenz.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)

It says you're next.

Now, Jeffrey, I beg you not to take this risk.

You know what they say.

Fives have lives, fours have chores, threes have fleas, twos have blues, and ones don't get a rhyme because they're garbage.

Craig, I got this.

(CELL PHONES BEEPING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

No!

(CROWD BOOING) No, please!

Not the outlands!

Please!

Boo on you!

The fives have spoken!

And you, uh...

Are not very good and...

(CELL PHONES BEEPING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) What?

No! Please!

I'm just not very good at public speaking and...

(CROWD BOOING) (SOBS)

Last chance, Jeffrey.

Showtime.

(FEEDBACK WHINES)

My name is Jeff Winger.

I recently became a four.

Funny thing is, when I was a two,

I didn't actually have any less.

But I did have a lot of crazy friends.

(BROOKLYN ACCENT) Hey, my name's Tommy Talouca.

I'm from hallway c. I'm a two! (ALL LAUGHING)

I got to get to the cafeteria before they run out of apples!

(ALL LAUGHING)

What is with twos and apples?

You're given three kinds of fruit.

Mix it up. (ALL LAUGHING)

Then you become a four.

And you get that, uh... That four walk.

You know what I'm talking about? It's like this.

It's like one of these.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And they got a little trail of twos behind them, and they're like "Hey, is there an apple up there?"

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, (BLEEP).

Wow. What else is going on?

MAN: He's killing it. (SHUSHING)

(OLD MAN VOICE) There came a time when I has to aks myself, did I even want to be a three?

Or did I just hate myself for being a two?

I don't know.

All I know is...

I sure do love them apples!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh, The Koog approogs.

That's a five!

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Yeah!

(PARTY HORN BLOWS)

ALL: Meow meow meow meow meow!

Review. Review. Meow meow meow meow meow!

Down here, guys.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, yeah.

Can I get a picture?

I want my future kids to know this happened.

I admire your optimism, Garrett.

What the hell? I don't want to hear it.

I got this far because I need to take Shirley down.

What about everyone else? Look around you, Britta.

Everyone wanted this. (SCOFFS)

MAN: Fives only, ma'am.

Oh, great. Come on.

You... You think this system's gonna last forever?

I'm gonna free people's minds.

I'm a psych major. Words are my weapons.

I'm a security guard. Weapons are my weapons.

(TASER CRACKLING)

CHANG: Welcome, fives, to the inaugural fancy future dance.

(FUTURISTIC MUSIC PLAYS)

I'm glad you don't think making Jeff a five was a mistake like everybody else.

I believe in taking risks.

Yeah! Jeff's really cool.

Couldn't help but notice that Shirley didn't clap with the rest of you after my performance.

Is she always so different?

If you talk to me, I can't concentrate on the dance moves.

You don't believe the rumors, do you, Koogler, that Jeff manipulated his way to the top?

Shirley, I can hear what you're saying.

You're trying to manipulate someone into thinking I'm manipulative.

I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.

No one ever knows what you're talking about because you never say what you mean.

SHIRLEY: Do you want to have this conversation, or do you want to just keep flexing your veiny arms and throwing out apples?

PELTON: (OVER PA) Tranquility is advancement.

A happy three is a future four.

BRITTA: Twos and threes, you're accepting a life you don't have to live!

Stand up for yourselves!

Really?

Ugh, fine.

Give me that. Hey!

(GRUNTS)

You're all alive!

You are all alive!

Look at the mustard on my face, but listen to my words.

You're one of the angriest, most vindictive...

You're the angry one, because the rules got changed on you, Winger.

You can't just be cool and be in charge now.

No, you have to gossip and give out food and make people feel guilty.

Okay, yeah. I bust my ass making a world full of selfish idiots remember my name!

Fine. Call it hard work, but don't tell me the system measures who's nice.

Actually, it kind of does.

(CELL PHONES CHIME)

Security, banish them to the outlands with the rest of the ones!

Oh, no!

Ow!

Okay, okay, okay. No! No!

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your tray tables in their party positions... (CHUCKLES)

So sayeth captain Koogler.

Actually, keep the tray tables where they are, Koogler.

The rule of the fives is over!

Long live the reviewlution!

(SCREAMS) No!

That comes down?

JEFF: Okay, okay, all right, all right,

JEFF: All right, all right! Whoa!

(GASPING)

(SCATTERED YELLING)

Happy? Are you happy?

Look, I knew you couldn't go to that stupid dinner.

That's why I didn't invite you.

It's nice to be invited anyway.

Sure, if you're a control freak.

Oh, and you clearly hate control.

No.

I love it.

I guess it's easy to pretend that you don't when you got it.

You'd think we'd be better friends because we're both such big fans of the same thing.

You there! Ones!

You are permitted back indoors by decree of Britta, the mother of ones.

And do I hear correctly that as a five, you felt you could park in handicap spots?

Well, you see, that's just part of the Koogler style.

It's human crap style.

Rate him!

(ALL MURMURING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Okay, well, that's low.

(ALL BOOING)

All fives must be cleansed of their five filth and reduced to oneness.

Jeff. Hey, Shirley.

I'm not a five anymore.

I'm a one like everyone else.

I'm like everyone else.

Who's next?

All right, time to pull the plug. Mmm.

Oh, great mother of ones,

Mustard-faced savior, there is still a five hiding among us that has not been cleansed.

Nonsense.

All fives were reduced to oneness in the great purge of about two minutes ago.

This five cheats.

It never registered, yet was given a five from outside the system.

Behold...

The meowmeowbeenz app.

Its beta test ended days ago.

It's now available in the app store...

99 cents.

Five stars.

This five lied to us, used us, judged us, yet exempts itself from judgment.

(ALL BOOING)

And I'm pretty sure it's selling our information to spammers because I am getting a lot more email, and trust me, my penis needs no enlargement.

So how do you cleanse a five that's unregistered?

Delete it.

(ALL GASP)

(MURMURING)

(CELL PHONES BEEPING)

By the way, guys, it's a Saturday.

Um, you're all in school for nothing.

Go home and get some sleep.

(ALL MURMURING)

No!

No. Wait.

No, don't go! Where are you going?

No.

PELTON: (OVER PA) Attention, Greendale.

I'd like to propose we basically forget

everything that happened over the last few days.

And I don't anticipate a lot of pushback on that.

I think we're all pretty embarrassed.

Hey, there. Oh, hey.

So I was thinking about checking out this new restaurant tonight.

Oh, that's sweet, but I can't tonight.

Not even takeout?

We could eat in the study room.

Oh, I think I have time for that.

Jeffrey.

(ALL LAUGHING) What?

I'm not gonna take it off.

I still got two days left on the rental.

(CHUCKLES)

NARRATOR: Every once in a while, a film comes along

that takes a serious look at higher education.

(RECORD SCRATCHES)

This is not one of them.

Gentlemen...

Assume the party.

This summer... (FARTING)

Fun has a new name.

Koogler? Koogler!

Koogler. Koogler!

Koogler!

ALL: Koogler! Koogler!

Hope you don't mind if I play through.

Hammer Road Pictures invites you to meet the man...

The myth...

I'm photocopying my rear end.

The Koogler.

Koogler.

I guess I have what you might call an aversion to education.

(SLURPING)

Do you even have a career plan?

Yeah, uh, does getting laid count?

No!

Mitchell d. Hurwitz is Koogler...

Rated R.

Did you get any of that?