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G.I. Jeff

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

MAN: (CHANTING) Cobra, Cobra, Cobra,

Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra.

Cobra!

Destroy the Taj Mahal.

ALL: Cobra!

Not if G.I. Joe can help it.

Roadblock, Deep Six.

Hold off those H.I.S.S. tanks. Yo, Joe!

Hat Muffs, Spit Take, shoot down those rattlers.

Um, excuse me, sir.

Why is Cobra attacking a tourist attraction with zero tactical value, and with all due respect to India, why are we defending it?

Tight Ship, you can overhaul G.I. Joe when you're commander.

Which will clearly happen any day now, as long as your (BLEEP) stay on full display.

Whoa, Buzzkill, language.

No, you can't have ice cream for lunch.

Put your brother on the phone.

Three Kids, put down that phone.

We're in the middle of a battle.

Oh, screw you, Flint.

I'm in a battle called having three kids.

(RAPID GUNFIRE)

Guys, we're a squad. You're making me look bad.

Well, if you're so great, Wingman, show us how it's done.

With pleasure.

We'll meet again, G.I. Joe.

(LAUGHS)

Good shooting, Wingman, but it looks like Destro's getting away.

Not necessarily, sir.

Jeez!

What? Oh, no. What are you doing? Hey!

Are you crazy?

(SCREAMS)

(SPLAT)

Yo, Joe!

What?

What, we're we're not saying it together?

(G.I. JOE THEME SONG)

Yo, Joe!

♪ He'll fight for freedom, wherever there's trouble

♪ G.I. Joe is there

♪ G.I. Joe, American hero

♪ G.I. Joe is there

♪ It's G.I. Joe

♪ Against Cobra the enemy

♪ Fighting to save the day

♪ He never gives up, he's always there

♪ Fighting for freedom over land and air

♪ G.I. Joe, a real American hero

♪ G.I. Joe is there ♪

MALE ANNOUNCER: G.I. Joe is the code name

for America's daring, awesomely trained,

awesome mission force.

Its purpose to fight Cobra,

because they're terrorists.

Look, I think I'm over-explaining it.

The bad guys are snakes, and the good guys are army people.

♪ He never gives up

♪ He'll stay till the fight's won

♪ G.I. Joe will dare

♪ G.I. Joe, a real American hero

♪ G.I. Joe ♪

Wingman, Three Kids, Buzzkill, Tight Ship, you stand accused of violence, suggestive language, and mature situations unbecoming of G.I. Joe.

What say you?

Look, I understand this is the first time a G.I. Joe has killed anyone in all of recorded history.

However... However, let's be truthful.

This is a very disorganized militia.

Yeah, what's anyone's rank? We're all just dressed like serial killers and strippers.

I have three kids.

You guys are not helping.

Duke, Flint, Scarlett, yes, it's true I killed Destro.

And I promise not to do it again.

But is it really a crime?

Is Cobra not a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world?

And if we never kill them, are we not basically on their side?

And won't this war therefore last forever unless we finish killing Cobra or start killing ourselves?

How long are we in here, Cold Shoulder?

Cold Shoulder?

What's with that guy?

"Start killing Cobra or killing ourselves"?

We were in the fourth down. It was a Hail Mary.

This place is a graveyard for G.I. Joe rejects.

Look who's in here.

Deep Dish, Shark Arms, Weird Head, Home Free,

Placeholder, Sleep Apnea, and us!

I have three kids. This is the worst day of my life.

MAN: Is it life?

My name is Fourth Wall.

And I believe that what we perceive as life is actually a syndicated children's cartoon.

What? Shut up, Fourth Wall.

If this were a cartoon, there'd be a word for "cartoon" in our language, which there isn't.

WINGMAN: There'd also be less movement, less detail, and constant lip-sync mistakes.

What if I told you there was more, a higher reality, with more than 65 colors and at least three dimensions?

Then I guess someone would have to lock you up with the crazy people.

Oh, good.

I recently infiltrated a secret Cobra dig site, code name - Greendale.

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

What did you say?

Cobra has discovered an ancient buried structure filled with strange things.

Look.

Oh, yeah, look at that. It's a child's toy.

The toy was more real than this at Greendale.

(WHIRRING) Ow, oof.

What is that word?

(ECHOING) Greendale?

(GROANING)

(RAPID WHIRRING)

(CLANGING)

(BEEPING)

(WHIRRING SLOWS DOWN)

(GROANING)

ANNOUNCER: Cobra's out to take over the world,

but G.I. Joe is there.

BOY: G.I. Joe must be destroyed.

Cobra H.I.S.S. coming for attack!

ANNOUNCER: It's the new G.I. Joe Submachopter,

piloted by Wingman.

BOY 1: Retreat! BOY 2: Yo, Joe!

We are in a toy commercial!

BOY 3: I can't hear you when you're covered in rocks.

BOY 1: It doesn't hurt because it isn't real.

BOY 2: Good job, Wingman. BOY 1: Thank you, Duke.

G.I. Joe is my entire life.

BOTH: Yo, Joe!

ANNOUNCER: All other figures and vehicles sold separately.

(GASPS)

BUZZKILL: Wingman, what happened?

I don't know.

He clearly has a connection to the non-cartoon reality.

When I mentioned Greenda... Shut up.

Stop saying that word.

You're some kind of demon man.

And... And your outfit is three layers of racist.

Oh, my God, he's having an attack.

Jeff, can you hear us? It's Annie.

What did you just call me?

Jeffrey, do you know where you are?

Be quiet. Leave me alone.

I... I don't belong here. I belong in G.I. Joe.

Ow! And don't touch me. Who wears a saw on their arm?

(SOMBER MUSIC)

COBRA COMMANDER: The first time I met Destro, he asked me if he should have his entire head coated in chrome.

I said, "No. How would you do that?"

(WATCH BEEPING) How would that even work?

(BEEPING STOPS)

Look, I'm not good at eulogies because I've never had to give one.

All I want to know is, how did G.I. Joe do this?

We've been shooting at each other and missing for 20 years.

Now all of a sudden... (WATCH BEEPING)

Unbelievable. What?

Cobra Commander,

it's Vice Cobra Assistant Commander.

We just got a very interesting energy surge at the Greendale site.

Oh, okay. That's super fascinating.

Um, Destro's dead!

Oh, my gosh, Destro? Were you guys close?

Were we close? Yes!

What kind of a question is...

Okay, fine. I loved him!

Is that what you want to hear?

Called it. (DEVICE BEEPS)

And we are going to find out how this happened, and G.I. Joe is going to paybra!

COBRA: (CLEARS THROAT) I riffed that.

No wrong answers.

It's a condition that comes on when you get to a certain weight.

Oh, I see. So is there a Mr. Tight Ship, or...

Um...

(ALARM BLARING)

TIGHT SHIP: That's a code three.

Cobra forces are infiltrating the base.

Cobra!

Avenge my totally platonic friend!

Oh, great, and we're stuck in here.

DEEP DISH: We don't have to be.

For 15 years, I have used my trademark tablespoon to excavate a tunnel, swallowing handfuls of dirt and rock with my meals and listening only to Smash Mouth in order to justify this poster.

Now I am within inches of reaching the...

WINGMAN: Come on, if we help save the base, maybe they'll let us be G.I. Joes again.

Battle stations!

BUZZKILL: Snakes at 6 o' clock.

Okay, now remember, don't kill anybody.

Just lay down a suppressive fire, like this.

WINGMAN: Oh, sorry. Sorry! Oh, my gosh!

Oh, God. Oh, man. Oh, darn it.

Yeah, I'd say they're suppressed.

WINGMAN: Jeez. Aw, was that a lifeline? Sorry!

Someone's killing people.

It's Wingman! He's escaped!

Lay down a suppressive fire!

They're suppressive firing at us!

I think we'll be okay.

Remember, this is all just a cartoon about action figures for kids.

Shut up, Fourth Wall, get into the new G.I. Joe submachopter with twin rocket launchers and rotating attack jet.

All I want to do is be a good G.I. Joe.

What's wrong with me?

I'm not sure, but I think our answers will be at Greendale.

Ugh. FOURTH WALL: (ECHOING) Greendale.

FOURTH WALL: Whoops.

BUZZKILL: Shouldn't somebody be flying the plane?

FOURTH WALL: It's submachopter. BUZZKILL: Whatever.

THREE KIDS: Will somebody grab the stick?

I don't wanna die up here! Oh, lord!

ANNOUNCER: The G.I. Joe mutineers are even worse than Cobra,

because they're traitors. Buzzkill...

All government is a lie.

Tightship... I control everything, or else!

Three Kids... My family comes first.

Fourth Wall...

Doesn't this guy also do the voice for He-Man commercials?

ANNOUNCER: And their nefarious, ruthless leader, Wingman.

Hey, that's not true! I love G.I. Joe!

ANNOUNCER: I don't know, man. Seems like you hate it.

This is all a misunderstanding.

ANNOUNCER: Tell it to the judge.

Everything is sold separately. Assembly required.

Nothing is happening.

(GASPS)

Cartoon coffee?

Tightship is piloting the submachopter.

At first it was Buzzkill, but she almost crashed five times, and when we pointed it out, she called us sexist and went to the bathroom.

THREE KIDS: You know she's smoking in there, right?

She broke the detector. That's a federal crime.

I keep having these visions.

Kids, little boys.

Uh, are these visions we should share with the authorities?

I want to go to this Greendale place now.

We're on our way. Do you remember Greendale, Jeffrey?

Why did you call me that? What's with you people?

BOTH: What do you mean, "You people"?

Oh! Nice.

COBRA SOLDIER: Sector three, all clear.

That's the entrance to the excavation site.

How do we get past those guards?

I think I got an idea.

Your idea was doing exactly what we did to those other guards back at headquarters?

It was proven effective.

I don't know, seems kind of cheap.

From an animated perspective, very cheap.

Help me club this hatch open.

(THUDDING)

I know this place.

It's filling me with a sense of endless hours for unfair wages and printers that never have toner.

COBRA ASSISTANT COMMANDER: What is this, Major Dick?

That is a request for hazard pay.

Maybe you haven't heard, but we can actually die now.

You know we can't afford this.

Oh, so we can afford to create a new model of weaponized vehicle once a week, but we basically get minimum wage to risk our lives.

Well, welcome to Cobra, Ximxam.

Maybe you noticed our logo was a snake?

Suck it up, guys! And while I have your attention, here.

What is this?

We have to lower the salaries. Our insurance is going up.

No way. What?

Hey, you people can actually die now.

It affects the health plan.

(GRUNTING) Vice Cobra assistant commander, we've been infiltrated by Joes!

Well?

Protect me!

COBRA ASSISTANT COMMANDER: (ON PA) Hello, Greendale.

I understand G.I. Joe has breached the perimeter.

Please eliminate them. And please don't forget this Saturday is the Cobra fun run.

If you miss it, you're letting the anti-terrorists win.

BUZZKILL: Ugh, Overkill.

Yes, it's me.

But which me is the real me?

(LAUGHTER ECHOING)

Probably the one in the middle.

The middle, right?

Ahhh! Ow, my leg! Ow!

Now, before you fight me, G.I. Joe, you should be warned.

I, Ximxam, have a twin brother named Mixmax that feels all my pain.

And how is that supposed to affect us?

Psychologically?

Ahhh!

Today's soup is a carrot puree with a... Ow! Damn it! Ahhh!

Sorry. My twin brother is a...

It's pointless to explain.

Hurts so much! Right?

OVERKILL: It shredded my meniscus!

Whup! Whup! Whup!

Oh! Ow, ooh, ooh.

Shouldn't have done that. Ooh.

Nope. Don't like that sound.

Incredible. It's as if there's something about this place that feeds on ambition.

I came from here.

I work here.

My name is Jeff Winger.

And you're Annie. And... And Shirley.

BOTH: Aw!

And Abed and Britta.

Britta? What kind of lame name is that?

I wanna be Buzzkill because of my awesome saw.

(IMITATES SAW WHIRRING)

You guys are my friends in real life.

This is my imagination or something.

Freeze, everybody!

Don't make me zap you!

Craig, it's me, Jeff.

(GASPS) Jeffrey! Are you okay?

FOURTH WALL: No, he's not. Take it from an expert in delusion.

If Jeff's hallucinating something this cool, something's wrong, he needs to get back.

Wingman, do you have your wingpack, or is it sold separately?

Here it is. That's good.

My Fourth Wall penetrating powers combined with this medium's lack of internal logic should allow me to come up with an oversimplified solution.

I'll be right back. I have to get something.

What? The truth.

Oh, crap.

Ah, Jeff, while you were gone, I figured everything out and did everything that needs to be done.

This may be your delusion, but I'm still the one on the ball.

I know why I'm here. I'm unconscious.

Jeff Winger's unconscious, because he...

I drank a fifth of scotch.

And I took some pills.

Jeffrey, shame on you. I have three kids.

Are you saying you tried to...

No, they were these stupid youth pills that I bought in Koreatown.

I took them because it's my birthday and...

I've been lying about my age.

BOTH: Whoa.

Yeah, it's not something I'm really ready to deal with.

I guess you found a way to deal with it unconsciously through a psychotic break.

Happens to the best of us. Now, these are the three layers of reality.

We are in the cartoon layer.

It's separated from the live action layer by a dangerous mid-layer called children's toy commercials, which I believe you're seeing in your visions.

I've modified your wingpack to break this barrier, and...

I'm not going back.

Jeff, you have to go back.

I don't wanna be a middle-aged community college teacher.

I wanna be in G.I. Joe.

I wanna fight for freedom wherever there's trouble forever.

Jeff, that's your 10-year-old self talking.

You've receded into some infantile part of your mind.

Imaginary Britta is right.

And only imaginary Britta.

In these visions you're having, a giant child is controlling you. You have to get away from him.

I am him! That's the point.

I created this. I chose this.

But do you understand that the real Jeff Winger is in some kind of actual, real medical jeopardy?

Like the kind in a one-hour drama?

Jeff, please. I don't want you to die.

Can you hear me?

I'm only dying out there, Annie.

In here we're immortal.

Look at the rack I gave you.

Those are gonna stay right where they are for an eternity.

You're welcome.

ALL: Yo, Jobra!

"Yo, Jobra"?

We talked it over and realized that since none of us can kill each other, we might as well team up.

COBRA: Seeing as we've got a common enemy.

Seize them!

You can't seize me.

I am the creator of your reality.

I am Neo in the third act of The Matrix.

I'm also Neo in the first act of the second Matrix.

I didn't get around to seeing the third one, but my guess is... Oh!

ANNOUNCER: Cobra and G.I. Joe have finally united.

BOY 1: Do you guys need anything?

BOY 2: We could probably use some milk.

BOY 1: Let's go get some milk for G.I. Joe.

BOY 2: I'll wait it out in this cell until you guys can re-educate me.

BOTH: Yo, Jobra!

ANNOUNCER: Yo, Jobra. All figures come with their own accessories.

Wingman sold separately or something.

Ah, look who's conscious again.

You're pretty selective with those snake "S"s.

What are you, my life coach?

I'd make fun of some physical detail about you, but there aren't any.

You look like some Aryan foosball figure.

Guys, you don't have to keep me prisoner.

I want what you want.

We can't just have you running around, Wingman. You're too powerful.

So let's share the power.

We can be gods here forever.

For realsies?

Absolutely. I don't wanna leave here.

I wanna hang out with you guys and blow stuff up.

Hmm. All right.

(BEEPING)

Yo, Jobra.

Yo, Jobra.

Yo, Jobra.

Say, do you mind if we ask you a few questions about real life?

No problem.

(WHISPERS) Ask. So... (SIGHS)

What do boobies look like?

Wait. You don't know?

You guys have never seen a naked woman?

You don't have to make us feel bad.

Have you guys ever tasted scotch?

Does scotch liquor exist here?

You know what?

Can I just go to the bathroom real quick?

Sure. It's the second door over there on the right.

Hey! We can't go to the bathroom!

COBRA: Fool! He's getting away!

(GROANING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

This had better work.

No, no, no, wait!

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

Get off me! I wanna go home!

COBRA: Take me with you! I want to see women's boobs!

WINGMAN: We can't both go!

You're slowing me down! Let go!

(COBRA LAUGHING)

I can feel it! Yes!

I can feel reality!

I've never felt so alive!

Because you're fictional! You can't survive this!

Wait, why does my back hurt?

Why do I just have random pains in my body?

Why is my ability to appreciate new music diminishing?

(GROANING)

Need to gain speed before...

ANNOUNCER: Wingman is trying to escape G.I. Joe,

and it's up to you to hold him back with your inner child's hand.

WING MAN: Damn it, I didn't make it.

I'm not controlling him! He's doing this himself!

WINGMAN: Screw you, kid!

Ow! He burnt my hand.

ANNOUNCER: The Wingman wingpack is not available in stores.

You control the toy.

You control it, my ass.

BOY: What is it doing? Making a man of you.

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

ANNOUNCER: Everything sold separately.

Everyone dies eventually.

(ECHOING) Nobody gets out alive.

SHIRLEY: His eyes are opening.

Yeah, but that happens when people die too.

Jeff! Jeffrey! Wait, Britta, don't slap him!

Jeffrey, it's me, the dean. I'm right here.

Wait, wait, no, no, I think you have to...

JEFF: Oh, stop it, I'm awake. Oh!

(CHUCKLES) (SIGHS)

Jeff, you've been keeping your birthday a secret?

Yeah. Most people have cake.

Not a fifth of scotch and what the hell else.

"Age reverse, life extend power"?

(IMITATING KOREAN)

This is Korean.

Okay, what am I? ALL: Chinese!

Okay, I swear to God I feel Korean.

(ALL GROANING) Guys...

I'm 40. (GASPS) What?

Wow. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, we knew that.

You know, I guess we knew that you had to be around 30 when we met.

Yeah, and it has been five years.

And even if he had been 32, we'd have to know he would be...

This isn't helping.

You guys know I'm 38, right?

I'm kidding.

But, Jeff, you shouldn't almost die over a number.

What's important are ranges of numbers.

You're still 18 to 49 for almost a decade.

That's valuable to society.

You have any more of these pills left?

I had the craziest dream.

It was all animated and a G.I. Joe cartoon, and you were all in it.

In it? How much?

What clothes did you draw me in?

Hmm, fully animated?

But it was all a dream because you were unconscious.

Remember that Christmas when I... ALL: Yes!

Jeff, here's your present.

Slim pickings at the hospital gift shop, but we made do.

(CHUCKLES)

"It's an old boy."

ALL: Yes. SHIRLEY: He is a old boy.

He's an old boy.

Bring it in, guys. ALL: Aw!

Jeff!

Hey, listen, I got a former partner that's been here since '89 in a coma, so... Hmm.

1889? (ALL LAUGHING)

Winger, you're funny. (CHUCKLES)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(CHATTING INDISTINCTLY)

This is cool! Make my name too.

What are you guys, cavemen? BOTH: Buzzkill!

What you're doing is a waste of spray paint.

We live in a fascist police state disguised as democracy.

You think you're gonna shatter that illusion by celebrating your own meaningless identities?

Is church over yet? CHILDREN: Fourth Wall!

A good syndicated cartoon has a lesson at the end.

But getting heavy-handed or preachy could turn an entire generation into jaded, sarcastic babies.

Be friendly and direct. And keep the message simple.

Graffiti is bad. Go play sports.

Cool! I get it!

I was trying to hold them to a higher standard.

If the media tells kids what to think, all they'll know is...

And knowing is half the battle. What?

ANNOUNCER: G.I. Joe!