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Ladders

PELTON [ON PA]: Welcome back to Greendale, now ranking fifth

on Colorado's alphabetical listing of community colleges.

Rest in peace, Fatboy Slim's DJ School.

This school owes its continued existence to the following heroes:

Jeff Winger, a teacher so dedicated to clean energy,

he's already parking like his car is electric.

Britta Perry, currently raising awareness of homelessness,

not that she has a choice.

Abed Nadir, who actually wrote this announcement,

for the sake of, as he put it, catching everyone up.

And Annie Edison, who led the effort to save Greendale

from 534 critical emergencies.

[♪♪♪]

Five hundred thirty-four?

[RUMBLING]

[ALL CLAMORING]

Frisbee!

[RUMBLING]

[GARRETT SCREAMING]

[AEROSMITH'S "SWEET EMOTION" PLAYING]

MAN: Hey, Leonard, what, are you gonna bogart the disc all day?

♪ Sweet ♪

♪ Emotion ♪

♪ Sweet ♪

♪ Emotion ♪♪

Like tears in rain.

What?

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

{\an8}♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream ♪

{\an8}♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

{\an8}♪ We could be roped up, tied up Dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one They all just fade away ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

{\an8}I can't believe the roof collapsed.

{\an8}-We almost killed Fat Neil. -That was Garrett.

{\an8}See, we're monsters.

{\an8}If they blame us, let me take the heat. I'd never see the inside of a cell.

{\an8}[WHISPERS] I have been reliving this day over and over for a thousand years.

{\an8}Guys, this is not on us.

{\an8}That roof was gonna collapse. Eighty percent of the rubble was Styrofoam.

Speaking of guilt, where's Shirley?

{\an8}-You didn't tell him? -I was waiting until we were all together.

{\an8}Abed's not comfortable with C-H-A-N-G-E.

{\an8}[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, screw you. I can spell.

Screw you.

{\an8}-Is Shirley gone? Did she spin off? -Nobody spins off in real life, Abed.

{\an8}Shirley went to look after her dad in Atlanta and ended up taking a job as a personal chef to a brilliant but troubled Southern detective.

I told her I'd manage her shop while she's gone.

JEFF: That's very generous of you.

I have a friend in town, every time you need help.

She'll be back.

Like Troy? Are any of you white people noticing what's happening to this group?

Do Abed and I need to be concerned?

You have my word, as leader of the white people, no cause for alarm.

Say hello to new Shirley. Heh-heh. Just kidding. This is Francesca Dart.

I have brought her on as an administrative consultant.

I thought it would be fun and mandatory for you to add her to your little committee.

-Why, because one roof collapsed? -No. God, God no.

I'm your friend, bringing you a new friend, one with training in not collapsing roofs.

Is she--? Excuse me, ma'am.

Is she above us or below us?

She is-- Whoop. Heh-heh-heh.

I'm getting a call here and, um, I'll have to take it.

Why don't you explain what your role will be, while I leave to take this call.

-My phone is vibrating, but it is-- -In your office, which you didn't realize when you started the fake phone-call move.

-My phone is in my pocket, Jeffrey. JEFF: Hm.

I'm walking away, so I can get it out and answer it.

Let me know how it goes.

FRANKIE: Okay, I'll just have a seat-- ALL: No!

-Hey! -No!

Our friend used to sit there.

She spun off.

I'm sorry. What about here?

BRITTA: Yeah. ANNIE: I guess that's okay.

Okay, so I took an informal survey to get a sense of how Greendale is perceived.

And three themes emerged: weird, passionate and gross.

Now, you wanna hang on to that grouping.

In marketing, it's what we call the Good Belushi.

If I had a magic wand, I'd use it to make sure Greendale never had to grow up.

I would also probably use it to cut the magic-wand class that I noticed is actually offered here, as well as VCR repair, a class called Ladders, and "When Is It Okay to Shake a Baby?"

In terms of hierarchy, I'm a big believer in it.

Someone needs to say, "I'm in charge," and that person is me.

That's my decision. That doesn't mean that we don't work together, but all communication and decisions will go through me.

I'll send out an e-mail later to set up our next meeting.

-Awesome. CHANG: Great seeing you.

Yeah. Coolios. Who in the crazy bitch--?

-Did that just happen? -Did you see her binder? Ha. Ha!

-Nondescript. -Seems like she may be trouble.

To be fair, she's an additional "white" person,

-which has become important here. PELTON: No, thank you.

I'm-- I'm just glad I was able to answer.

My-- My phone got lodged in my pocket.

I know. I-- I guess that is a thing.

So you were saying about the thing, the reason you were calling was--

What were you talking to me about?

FRANKIE: Looks good, Tony.

I'm sorry, I just assume your name is Tony.

BRITTA: Here you go. I gave you some extra heat.

[BRITTA SIGHS]

Britta, what is the weekly cost of this restaurant?

That's easy. My dignity.

Seems like this sandwich counter is consuming your happiness and converting it into burnt bread and debt.

-So? -Frankie, hi. Um...

Someone removed all the liquor from the faculty lounge.

I'm sorry, I can't legally protect or insure a campus with free-flowing booze.

Well, I can't teach with free-flowing sobriety.

BRITTA: Heh. -Is that true?

-Do you really think you're an addict? -No.

Dean.

Hello? Oh, hey. Yes, I can talk.

-Damn it. -I am available anytime for you.

Frankie, Frankie. Hi.

I had an idea about how to de-electrify the pool.

-Oh, that's already been dealt with. -Okay, well, then there's--

Oh, let's see. Done, done, deloused, appraised, defused, rebuilt, de-peanut-buttered, debunked, spayed, neutered, underway, re-sanctified, plunged, deported and exhumed.

Thank you. Oh, this is pretty.

I'm gonna name one of my sandwiches after her.

-My sandwiches suck. -She is improving Greendale.

Yeah, but how much can you improve Greendale before it stops being Greendale?

She didn't suffer for this place. She doesn't understand it.

She's gonna end up messing with something that--

ALL: Abed.

Temporal mutation.

In English, doc.

Simply put, Mr. President, in 12 hours, these dinosaurs will become--

Mind if I sit here?

--time-osaurs. Go ahead, I can re-shoot.

-How's everything going? -I have concerns.

-I'd like to hear them. -You're not distinct from Annie

-in physicality and purpose. -Okay.

I can't determine if you have any point of view that makes you a creative addition.

I don't know what that means, but I'm writing it down.

My umbrella concern is that you represent the end of "our show," which was once a family of misfit students, and is now a loose-knit group of students and teachers, none of whom are taking a class together in a school which is becoming grounded, asking questions like, "How do any of us get our money?

When will we get our degrees? What happened to that girl I was dating?"

As opposed to questions like, "What is real? What is sanity?

Is there a god? Where's that Pierce hologram?"

Jeff saw a Pierce hologram. None of us have seen it.

If there's a Pierce ghost, I'd like to get a head start on busting it.

All right. This is the first I've heard that I'm a character on a show.

I'm excited to be one, but I'll be a boring one.

Quirks are not my strong suit, results are.

I love quirky people. I come from a big family of people who are literally insane. I moved out here to take care of one.

But I myself am exceptionally boring, and I am quite proud to be that way, because it allows me to help the less-boring people turn quirks into results.

That's the most interesting take on not being interesting I've ever heard.

As far as what I represent, I wouldn't give me or anyone else that power.

Good shows change, I assume.

Personally, I don't own a TV.

You're the first person to say that that I didn't delete from my brain.

Thank you.

[PHONE BEEPING]

Emergency meeting at Shirley's Sandwiches right now.

Everyone freaking out. New lady is evil.

-Crazy frown. -I should go.

Abed, I could use someone's help in learning the ropes around here.

I'll ask around.

ANNIE: Brit, dumb hat. BRITTA: Talking down to you.

ANNIE: She hates you. BRITTA: I got it from Shirley.

What are you doing? Are you The Big Chill-ing?

Only there's not a hippie that died to make us come together and complain.

-It's our school. BRITTA: Frankie's taking over.

Cancelled Ladders, she's banning substances.

She wants to shut down Shirley's Sandwiches. She called Annie a bitch.

-She implied I was a bitch. -Implied Annie was a bitch

-who thinks she's better. -You're just--

She was nice to me. In fact, we got along.

Abed, are you sure she wasn't actually being sweetly condescending?

I learned to pick up on that.

I make a movement that we form a separate, secret committee.

I second Britta's motion, not movement.

I third Annie's number two-ing

-of the movement Brita made. -Gross.

Mission: To preserve the real Greendale, oppose Frankie, or drink.

Whatever's easiest.

Are you guys sure she's bad?

Sure you're not doing what I do, overreacting to change?

Nobody's ever doing what you do, Abed. You're nuts.

In a good way. I'm just saying. Leave reality to us.

-We support you. -Don't make it more dramatic.

It's a blood oath to defy evil. You're either in or out.

-Can I hang around if I don't do the oath? -Oh, gee. You mean just be friends?

Sure. Great, Abed.

Okay.

Can I have some pretzels?

No. Those are secret-committee pretzels.

[♪♪♪]

Okay.

Well...

{\an8}Yes, that was a test. You guys are bad friends.

Don't think of it as bad baking.

Think of it as a crushing blow to a gender stereotype.

WOMAN: Ugh.

Might help if every burnt sandwich didn't come with a self-aware sandwich bit.

Is that how you're gonna help increase sales, creative notes?

I had that sign-spinner idea.

[PANTS]

We're a restaurant inside a cafeteria, Annie, our weak point wasn't traffic.

Flo, Alice, stop fighting, can't afford to lose this place.

If I start drinking in the men's room, the score in my head has to change from Trent Reznor to Johnny Cash

-doing Trent Reznor. -I'm a bartender.

I know a little bit more about the human side of service.

I can't eat this. Can I get my money back?

You're human garbage.

-Hi, Mr. Winger. Nice lecture yesterday. -Don't patronize me, Dave.

It might not seem like this, but you're killing a black-owned business.

I'll call it even for a drink with Mr. Winger.

-That's absurd. JEFF & BRITTA: You will?

Let's see some ID. You snitch, you die.

FRANKIE: Morning. ABED: Morning.

Morning.

Well, I guess we'll wait for the others before we start.

-I don't think they're coming. -What?

The committee had a meeting last night and decided you are evil.

Ooh. Wait, you guys had a meeting last night?

So we broke up as friends. Because I don't think you're evil.

I think you scare people because you live in the real world.

I'm sorry that happened, Abed. It's like I said yesterday at lunch.

Drama and conflict are exciting and easy.

-Making a difference can be pretty boring. -You guys had lunch?

I'd like to live in that world. I'm tired from all the drama,

-the heroes, the villains, monsters-- CHANG: Pokémons.

You see things the way they are.

Leprechauns-- Scary.

I don't know if I could be like that, but I don't think

-it makes sense to be against it. -Ever hear of the Slender Man?

I'd like to help, and if possible, learn from you.

CHANG: You guys on Reddit? 4chan?

-That would be great. CHANG: It's awesome.

I think we'd all benefit if we were more like you.

-So, what do you say? -Let's order some food.

-Let's save Greendale. -Let's save Greendale.

Tacos! We are something else.

[♪♪♪]

Abed.

-Abed. -Yeah?

-What are you doing? -What do you mean?

You were sweeping, straightening clocks--

Why are you cleaning that sign? I gave you a list.

List felt similar visually.

I can't picture a montage cutting from me "verifying Diane's invoice" to me "e-mailing confirmation to Diane."

-Right. But a montage is what, Abed? -It's a movie apologizing for reality.

-And we are where? -Reality.

And what do people do here?

They e-mail Diane.

[♪♪♪]

Abed, if you change your clothes one more time today, you're fired.

Sorry.

-Hey, Abed. -Hey, Todd.

Are Annie and Britta around?

No.

Abed. Maybe you should order the special.

I'll have the special.

[WHISPERS] The specials are kept in the back.

You sh-- You should go in the back.

I'd like the special.

WOMAN: ♪ Down the Hoover Avenue ♪

♪ Brother, can you lend me A suspender ♪

♪ For a penny On the Choo-Choo Avenue ♪♪

Vaporizers? Skittles?

-Abed. -Hey, Annie.

This place is so conceptual.

It's practical too. We made enough money to save Shirley's.

{\an8}ABED: Ironic because if Shirley saw this, her soul would die.

Hey, Abed, check this out.

-Oh, Britta's still the worst? -Yeah.

BOB: A bar gets dirty.

You'll need someone to clean it. Probably after hours.

And those floor polishers can get pretty loud.

I'd hate for someone to hear it.

You blackmailing me?

Just talking shop.

What's the rumpus, Abed?

-Miller's Crossing. JEFF: Mm-hm.

This is great. You guys should be proud of yourselves.

We missed you. Have a drink.

-Put on an old-timey jacket. -That's okay. I don't do this anymore. Um...

All right. Come on.

I said, I don't do this, see?

-You dirty rat. -You guys are all dirty rats.

-What's your romper room? -All right. Maybe just one drink.

And then, maybe, cut to a montage of drinks.

ANNIE: Whoo!

[ABED LAUGHING AND SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]

ANNIE: Go, go, go! MEN: Shots, shots, shots!

[ALL LAUGHING AND SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Drinking!

ABED: Let's never stop being friends again. Ever.

ANNIE: Mm-hm. Cheers.

JEFF: We shouldn't have made you choose between Frankie and us.

Oh, she's good for business.

-Sorry we made you choose-- -You're just repeating what I said.

You're repeating what I said.

-Oh, I'm a time traveler? -This is a show!

Abed.

I just got word from Diane that one of your e-mails was a little shaky.

-Are you okay? -I'm good. Late night last night.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

I could use a little protein.

I'm gonna go get an early lunch.

ABED: You guys know about tardigrades?

They're microscopic creatures that look like robot bears.

They can survive in space.

Get into space, you dirty tardigrades, see?

[ALL LAUGHING]

And they're everywhere.

There's things in real life that are as cool as fake stuff.

I learned that working for Frankie. You guys would like her, you know.

-Raid! ALL: Ah!

Is this what you guys want?

You wanna play cops and robbers with costumes?

-Why is that guy a carrot? -Because they ran out.

-Who tattled? -In what world, Britta, do you see this as covert enough to require tattling?

You built a bar in a school.

There was lumber involved.

I have been letting you hole up down here because it kept you contained and satisfied.

Because you are all compulsively defiant.

But it wasn't enough.

You had to drag Abed back in. And Abed deserves better.

BRITTA: Oh. ANNIE: Oh, ho-ho-ho.

It finally comes out. Abed deserves better.

That's been out.

Shut up, Leonard. I once mistook six people for you in a pharmacy.

It's not their fault, Frankie. I chose this. These are my friends.

I hate e-mailing Diane. She can't commit to a font.

It's pathological. And so am I.

This is where I belong.

I know you think that, Abed, but you don't know any better.

-Oops. FRANKIE: Uh-- Uh--

Shut up, Leonard.

You are-- You are old, and you deserve less because of your age.

I don't believe that. I'm just trying to-- I'm trying to--

And everybody here is a fart!

A living fart from the butt of a lesser god!

And I'm-- I'm better than this.

Cut to everyone-on-campus- getting-as-drunk-as-they-want montage.

ALL: Yeah!

♪ I'm as high as hell And you're about to get shot ♪

♪ I'm as high as hell And you're about to get shot ♪

Whoo!

Whoo!

[ALL CHEERING]

♪ I'm as high as hell And you're about to get shot ♪

Jeffrey? Frankie hasn't come back to work today.

That's terrible.

Insurance company dropped us. The school has no insurance.

-What was Frankie's salary? -A lot.

-Insurance premiums? -A lot.

Add those together. That's your school dance budget.

Oh, nice.

♪ Come on, I'm as high as hell ♪♪

LARS: Welcome to Ladders!

[ALL CHEERING]

Yeah!

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

[STUDENTS CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

Ladders!

Who wants to see the Ladders professor go higher?

[ALL CHEERING]

-Ladders! ANNIE: Whoa, whoa. Ah!

[THUDS]

You did it, Jeff Winger.

This is your school now.

[ANNIE GROANING]

-Annie. -It was worth it.

[YELLS]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

All right. That should be the extent of the professor's medical bills.

What about the lawsuits from the students?

I think we should fight those.

Actually, I suggest you settle out of court.

-This is my fault. -Obviously not. It's my fault.

-Guys, it's my fault. BRITTA: It's my fault.

-It's my fault. -It's my fault.

-It's my fault. -My fault.

-It's my fault. -It's my fault.

-It's my fault. -It's my fault.

ALL: It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault.

All right, all right, all right! So whose fault wasn't it, and who knows anything about handling anything like this?

In terms of hierarchy, I'm a big believer in it.

Someone needs to say, "I'm in charge," and that person is me.

That's my decision.

Wait. What?

-I'm sorry? -Who talks like that?

Why would anyone hire someone so pompous?

Miss Dart, word of advice. Change your personality, or start looking for companies run by insane people.

Don't hire this woman!

Fifth time's the charm. He's barged into four offices screaming that.

-What the hell is going on? -What are you doing here?

-How did you even find me? -I e-mailed Diane.

She knows too much about your schedule.

Whatever he's offering you, Greendale-- Well, we can't double it.

We probably can't even match it.

Whatever he's offering you, Greendale will give you less.

And an apology.

MAN: Do you know--? -Shh.

It's not enough.

But maybe if you added more apologies...

Like a montage of them?

-We're sorry. -We're sorry.

[♪♪♪]

[MOUTHING] We're sorry.

BOTH [MOUTHING]: We're sorry.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

♪ My, how you've grown ♪

♪ I remember that phrase From my childhood days too ♪

-[MOUTHS] We're... -[MOUTHS] Sorry.

♪ Just wait and see ♪

♪ I remember those words And how they chided me ♪

♪ When patient Was the hardest thing to be ♪

♪ Because we can't make up For the time that we've lost ♪

♪ I must let these memories provide ♪♪

FRANKIE: A flyer. -Thanks.

FRANKIE: Take a look.

Okay, is that clear to everyone?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

BUTCHER: I told you I wouldn't be needing dinner tonight.

I'm guessing you wouldn't. Not if you're looking for this.

-How did you know? -Nobody makes more crumbs than a cook. Well, the same goes for clues and detectives.

You're too busy solving murders to get away with your own.

Well, what about the case of my wife and my legs, Shirley?

Can you solve that one, huh, can you?

Because if you can't, then I ain't got nothing to live for.

Begging your pardon, Mr. Butcher.

I think the people on this bayou would disagree.

-You rescued a runaway girl today. -Rescued? Balls!

I couldn't even rescue a bulb from a socket, and you did all the work.

I'm just a detective from the swamps of Atlanta.

Can't even walk!

SHIRLEY: Oh! -Oh! Oh! Unh!

Then let me be your legs.

Let me do for you what I did today every week until you find your wife.

Or your legs.

Oh, you are a stubborn son of a bitch, Shirley Bennett.

Now, come on. I have dinner to make.

You got cases to solve.

[♪♪♪]

BUTCHER: I have a feeling someone's gonna murder some Tater Tots tonight.

That's no mystery at all.

[VOICES WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

{\an8}ANNOUNCER: Next week on The Butcher and the Baker:

{\an8}When a new detective disappears and Butcher is the prime suspect,

{\an8}it's up to Shirley to cook up some answers.

[♪♪♪]