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Queer Studies & Advanced Waxing

"Always scare, Daniel-san. Miyagi hate fighting."

Miyagi hate fighting.

-Line? -"Yeah, but you like karate."

Right, right. Yeah, but you like karate, though.

"So...?"

-Line? -Chang, the audition's at 3.

Well, maybe I shouldn't go. Maybe I'm a bad actor.

Being good is a fraction of acting.

It takes discipline and confidence.

Discipline. Confidence.

Okay, from the top.

"Always scare, Daniel-san. Miyagi hate fighting."

Line.

I heard Karate Kid quotes?

Chang is auditioning for a stage adaptation of Karate Kid downtown.

Yeah, and it's for the part of Daniel LaRusso.

-You got a problem with that, racist? -No. You're acting now?

Yeah. Um, you got a problem with that?

I'm clear.

ELROY: They took my snake and they turned it into a plumber.

They made the eggs into barrels, the pine tree into a gorilla, but I recognize my design.

"Donkey Kong," my ass.

That's "Construction Snake."

I don't practice law anymore.

-But we have a case, right? -Isn't everyone you'd be suing dead?

That's not cool, man.

Why would a tree throw eggs at a snake?

-Why would a plumber fight a monkey? -I don't know. I don't know.

-The Wi-Fi is broken. -What happened to "Good morning"?

-It's a bad morning. No Wi-Fi. -Yeah, we need Wi-Fi.

Okay, let's not get carried away. We need oxygen.

We have oxygen. We need Wi-Fi.

ALL: Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi.

Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi!

Okay, enough. All right? Look what I'm doing. Look.

"Fix Wi-Fi."

Okay? Boom and boom.

All right, I am trying to find the IT lady.

My e-mails to her get bounced back to me in Aramaic.

And when I call, I hear an undulating high-pitched whistle

-that makes my nose bleed. -Well, sounds like a bad IT lady, right?

-Frankie, hire a new IT lady. -I'm handy with technology.

I'm assuming it's the same. Smaller holes, more bytes?

-What are we up to now, mega? -Tera.

Tera.

They did it, those bastards. They finally did it.

-Hire Elroy. Elroy, you're the IT lady. -Can I be his assistant?

-Not for money. -Can I be his friend?

Elroy, Abed is your friend. Now, the real reason I came by.

I'm dying.

[ALL GASP]

Not really, but imagine how bad you'd feel for complaining about the Wi-Fi. Here's the real reason.

Too short?

It is too short?

It's not too short? Ugh, you people are no help.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream ♪

♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

♪ We could be roped up, tied up Dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one They all just fade away ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

-School board coming. -Oh, God.

-School board, you're surrounded. -If this is about the bonfire,

-we'll put it out when the weather breaks. -We come in peace.

{\an8}We've had our ups and downs, but as of right now, we love the school.

{\an8}-And love what you're doing with it. -What? Why?

{\an8}What would you think about moving up?

{\an8}-You know, joining us on the board. -Me?

-I would love to. -Awesome.

-Awesome. RICHIE: One more thing.

{\an8}You're, uh, gay, right?

{\an8}I mean, like, openly gay?

{\an8}Uh, I'm not openly anything, and gay doesn't begin to cover it, no.

Oh.

{\an8}Oh, I get it. This is about the uproar over you guys canceling

{\an8}the pride parade for a school-board parade.

{\an8}-Those guys get to dress fancy all year. -No, no, no.

{\an8}-We have one day! -No, this isn't about that.

{\an8}This is about adding a new face to the board.

But if that new face happened to be openly gay, it would be because we're so tolerant.

And always were. But that's for us to deal with.

The question you have to ask is:

"Am I openly gay?"

Because if you are, that gayness could be a rocket.

Thrusting you to new gay heights.

And if you're not, well, there's a lot of gay guys out there.

I assume that's a selling point of the lifestyle.

-I never thought about it that way. -Well, I have.

Cutting women out of sex? It's genius.

♪ Gay Dean, Gay Dean, Gay Dean ♪

♪ Gay Dean ♪

♪ I'm begging you to be a gay dean Of the school board ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

This should lead to the router.

[BIRDS TWITTERING]

-Back up, back up, back up. -What--? What's going on?

A bird's nest, with babies. It must be there because of the heat.

Reason my mom took my half-brother to Arizona.

That's why the Wi-Fi is down. We'll have to move it.

If you move them, the mother won't come back.

Those birds aren't the new IT lady. I am.

-I'll move it carefully. -The mother won't come back.

Kid, animals have been murdering each other for 3 billion years.

Birds have had their 15 million in the spotlight, same as lizards and plants.

And they all just use it to murder, eat, screw and not invent Wi-Fi.

We may end up saving this world, or blowing it to hell, or making a new one.

But we can't do any of it while scheduling our evolution around the needs of the least lucky birds.

Are you a demon? Did Clive Barker write you?

Anyone who finds that nest will come to the same decision.

And you don't have to get mean.

Mean? You just did a baby-bird murder monologue.

Maybe they're close to leaving. Can you stall by doing what real IT people do?

-What's that? -Exactly.

[♪♪♪]

I've got one year to make it all work, and that's what I'm gonna do. Make it work. All of it.

This place is intimidating.

You're gonna do great.

Next up, Ben Chang for the role of Daniel LaRusso.

Ah. Thank you.

Daniel-san, why you want learn karate?

Hang on a second.

-Sorry, I can do better. -Zip it.

-Who are you? -Oh, I'm Annie, a friend of Chang's.

You mind coming up here and reading with your friend?

Okay. If it helps.

Um...

"Daniel-San, why you want--?"

MATT: Okay. No, sorry. No.

You read Daniel-San. You read Miyagi.

Um...

MATT: We'll do scene seven, Miyagi's office.

Ahem.

[IN NEW JERSEY ACCENT] Are you the repairman?

CHANG: Aye.

ANNIE: The faucet's really leaky there. CHANG: Aye.

When you gonna fix it?

After.

Heh. After what?

"After" after.

Tell everyone else to go home.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] We got the parts!

ABED: Yeah. ELROY: Hear, hear.

Parts, plural?

Well, yeah, Annie got my part, and I got the Asian part.

ANNIE: Chang, stop.

We were cast as Mr. Miyagi and the Karate Kid because we're a good team.

We're a team because one of us is so talented, she got cast outside her gender, and the other one got cast because of eye shape.

I am not letting you sabotage yourself like this.

Let's say you're right, and like Sidney Poitier or Meg Ryan before you, you were cast for race.

It's what the actor does with the role they get that matters. All right?

You're right.

All right, IT lady, how goes it?

-I found your problem. -And...?

I'll need a little time to fix it.

Wow, need time to fix it.

You sound just like you work in IT. I've got some interesting news.

The school board offered me a position.

-Great. -Congratulations.

Well, I got a part in a play, and we were sort of talking about that, so read the room, Pelton.

BRITTA: Are you gonna take the job?

I don't know. There's a catch. Heh-heh.

Jeffrey, Frankie, could I see you in my office, please?

They want you to be a token homosexual?

It's a form of progress. Thirty years ago, the most power the openly gay could achieve was the center square.

But I'm not just gay.

What does that mean?

If coming out is a magic show, and gayness is a rabbit out of a hat,

I'm one of those never-ending handkerchiefs.

The sad truth, Craig?

Anything other than straight is plenty gay for a school board.

The most important point is, are you prepared to make your sexuality--

Which is nobody's business.

--an aspect of your role in society?

I know I'm not, so I don't.

PELTON & JEFF: Oh?

When a person becomes symbolic,

-they gain symbolic power -[MOUTHING] Gay?

-at the price of independent power. -Maybe?

Yep, that's an excellent point.

It could be good for Greendale for one of our own to be on the school board.

The fact you'd be leaving a few items off your list of turn-ons...

I mean, the goal in politics isn't transparency, it's winning.

That's why politicians always win.

They do always win, don't they? Now I get a chance to win.

I could change the system from the inside out.

And all I have to do is pare down my sexuality to simple gayness, which is heavily in the mix.

There you go.

Get ready, America.

Dean Pelton is coming out as approximately two-sevenths of what he is. Heh-heh.

Come on. Don't leave me hanging.

There we go.

-I am so curious. -Oh!

-Intellectually. -Oh, Jeffrey.

All right, this is a pretty basic scene.

No real subtext. Let's just get it up on its feet.

There's no wrong answers. Okay? Great. Go.

[IN DEEP VOICE] Hey, come fix faucet.

[SCOFFS]

-Oh! Karate. Learn from book? -[IN NEW JERSEY ACCENT] Yeah.

And a few classes back at the Y in Jersey, where I'm from.

-What happened eye? -Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there.

I guess there are wrong answers.

-Quick adjustment, Ben? CHANG [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Yeah?

Act better. Act better. Thanks.

Annie, you're doing great.

-Keep doing what you're doing. -Can I ask about my moti--?

To keep me from puking is your motivation.

Stop making me wanna quit theater and kill myself. Go.

After "what happen eye?"

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh. Okay.

[IN NEW JERSEY ACCENT] Hey, I fell off my bike.

Mm.

-[IN DEEP VOICE] Lucky no hurt hand. -Okay.

Can I see this toolbox?

Ah. Great. This is good. Got it.

Ah!

I got distracted because the tools were doing a better job than you.

"What happen eye?" Say it!

-[IN NORMAL VOICE] What happen eye? -Liar.

Stop lying to me. Say it.

-What happen eye? -What happen actor?

[SNIFFLING]

Are you crying?

You cry when I tell you to cry. So reabsorb that disgusting droplet of salt and bad choices back into your doughy body.

Then call your mother to see if you can be reabsorbed back into her doughy body.

Or I will take that tear, I'll freeze it and stab you in the eye with it, you waste of a soul-shaped hole forgotten by God.

[SOBS]

Okay.

-[IN NORMAL VOICE] What should I--? -Don't change a thing. You're perfect.

Unless you want to.

Okay.

[♪♪♪]

All right. I'm Rich Countee. This is my man, Carl.

-We work on the school board. -Yeah, we do.

We have some exciting news for you. Your own Dean Craig Pelton has been selected to join the board of Colorado Community Colleges.

-I'll just-- Go-- Go ahead, Dean. Talk. MAN: Yeah.

PELTON: Hello, Greendale.

As you know, this is something I've wanted for a very long time.

I wanted to thank all the people at Greendale that helped me achieve this.

And my partner, Domingo.

-Very proud of my Craig. -Aw, that's--

Oh! Ha-ha-ha.

And now let's open it up to some questions.

As a gay dean, what is your opinion about the recent controversy surrounding the canceled pride parade?

Do you think you were selected to join the board because of your sexual preferences?

Whoa, I would just like to say that we are very proud to have Mr. Pelton on the board, whatever his lifestyle may be.

Which happens to be gay. Which is great, but irrelevant.

It gets better.

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

Oh... Oh, good.

We're so happy. Ha-ha-ha.

-I feel like scum. -Gay people are scum?

Don't play that card with me. I make gayness look like Mormonism.

I don't like being this dishonest.

Dean, I wanna say thanks for doing this.

I never knew. I mean, people talked, but I wasn't sure.

It doesn't have anything to do with my work--

Yeah, but it's helpful to me, you know?

And to a lot of us. So thank you.

Hmm...

Confine yourself to your role, Domingo.

And lose the attitude.

♪ Gay Dean, Gay Dean Gay Dean, Gay Dean ♪

♪ I'm begging you to be a gay dean For the school board ♪

♪ Your lifestyle is alternative Your influence is positive ♪

{\an8}♪ You're everything The changing of the tide ♪

{\an8}♪ Gay Dean Gay Dean ♪♪

♪ Hare Krishna, Krishna, Krishna ♪♪

[IN DEEP VOICE] Oh, Daniel-San, you much humor.

Okay, let's stop there.

[MATT SIGHS]

I'm not gonna hit you and it's not because it's illegal.

And it's not because I'm afraid you know karate, because there is nothing about your performance that is believable.

See, we only hit things that affect us.

I don't hit water or old mayonnaise or the air after a fart has dissipated, and I'm not hitting you.

You are the worst actor I've ever directed, and I directed both Wahlbergs!

From the top!

Danny does a bit with the floor sanders, Miyagi is amused, and Kenny gets me another goddamn cup of coffee with six Splendas in it.

♪ Hare Krishna ♪♪

He's so mean to Chang. I don't know what to do.

You could just drop out of the play.

Well, you know, I could.

Or Chang could.

I mean, the director's not being mean to me.

But you talked Chang into auditioning, and then you got his part and now he's suffering.

-You're right. I should threaten to quit. -Or just quit.

Well, if I threaten to quit, maybe that will be enough for him to stop abusing Chang.

I was kind of born to act, Britta.

When I do it, I can feel it pleasing the universe.

That's dramatic.

See?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[♪♪♪]

If they're sparrows, they'll fly in less than 12 days.

If they're albatrosses, we're in trouble.

Albatrosses have a 270-day fledging period.

Thanks for guarding the nest with me.

Uh-oh.

This is what you do when you're working?

-Must be nice. -All right, look.

There's a bird's nest in the router. If you wanna fire me, fire me.

Either way, until those birds are gone, nobody gets any closer.

Well, of course not. If you move them, the mother won't come back.

Keep up the good work.

Hm.

[♪♪♪]

[IN DEEP VOICE] Show me wax on.

This is the worst acting I've ever seen in my life.

Show me wax off.

The ghost of your father just turned his back on you.

Your ancestors are clawing their way deeper into the earth to get away from you.

You make me embarrassed to have thumbs.

I can see air quotes around you.

Show me paint fence.

Knock, knock. Anybody home?

Oh, look, there's nobody here. Oh, it's so dusty.

It's almost like nobody's been here in years. There's a note.

"Never let me act!"

Mr. Lundergard, I'm sorry, but I cannot stand by while you do this.

That's fine. You can go.

I'm not bluffing.

You can't make an actor more talented by yelling at them.

And if you don't stop, your lead character is gonna walk.

Lead?

You play Danny LaRusso.

Well, I'm the Karate Kid.

The Karate Kid is about Kesuke Miyagi, an immigrant who fought his own people in World War II while his wife lost a child in an internment camp.

Noriyuki Morita was nominated for an Academy Award for his performance.

Ralph Macchio showed up.

I cast you because your measurements allow me to use the wardrobe from last year.

I cast Ben because he has the sadness and talent that could make this show great, if I have to physically drill into his chest and suck it out with a straw!

So you can take a flying kick at a rolling doughnut.

You're fired.

But I'm talented too, right?

What? No. Really?

Really? Oh, my God.

You're, like, doing a terrible Vinnie Barbarino up here.

I know you're not capable of anything better, so that's why I've been so nice to you. Take care, Annie.

Yikes, right? Whew!

What a diva.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Thanks for sticking up for me.

No problem?

From now on, she's dead to us.

Hey, Gay Dean, we got a problem here. You reading the local papers?

You've shut down the campus Wi-Fi until a nest of baby birds can grow?

-That's a little too gay. -I didn't do it because I'm gay.

Wait, I'm not gay.

Whoa, that did not just get said to us.

You're gay. You're openly gay, and we love it.

We're dealing with more flak from conservatives for appointing you than we did from gays for not having one of you.

Yeah, and the gays aren't coming to your side.

Know why? Because the whole point is to get a job by being gay, and then to do as good a job as the normals. That's what the gays want.

They don't want a gay dean who acts like a weird gay monster.

-I'm not a gay dean. -Whoa, not cool, man.

-Don't bring us into your web of lies. -Well...

-Now what do you want me to do? RICHIE: Figure it out, Gay Dean.

Figure it out.

-Hey, Domingo. -Hey, what's up?

[SIGHS]

Guys, the school needs Wi-Fi, and my job is to run the school.

The school doesn't need baby birds.

-The nest needs to be moved. -You are not crossing this line.

I'm taping this. This is on video.

-Guys. -This is two white security guards versus one unarmed black man and two baby birds.

Your move.

Stand down. Stand down.

No security, no weapons, just one unarmed black man versus one unarmed, openly gay dean.

Now, move that nest, please.

Just a hair back, Domingo. It's like you're breathing for me.

♪ Your lifestyle is alternative Your influence is positive ♪

♪ You represent The changing of the tide ♪

♪ Inspiring to young gay men You'll never be ashamed again ♪

♪ But there's another secret Locked inside ♪

♪ Gay Dean, Gay Dean, Gay Dean ♪

♪ Gay Dean ♪

♪ I'm begging you to be a gay dean For the school board ♪

♪ Gay Dean, Gay Dean, Gay Dead Gay Dean ♪♪

Thank you so much.

You are an inspiration.

[♪♪♪]

[ALL CHATTERING]

[ALL SHUSHING]

Ahem.

I've called this press conference because I have been less than honest with the public.

You know me as the openly gay dean of Greendale Community College, but that doesn't even begin to describe what I really am.

I belong to one of the most marginalized and least openly honest groups in America.

I am... a politician.

{\an8}Now, what does that mean?

{\an8}Are politicians like you? Well, we look like you.

{\an8}But we will say and do whatever we have to

{\an8}in order to acquire and keep our jobs.

{\an8}It means nothing I say

{\an8}and very few of the things I think can be trusted.

[♪♪♪]

{\an8}I am tired of being in this particular closet,

{\an8}so I am coming out now.

I only hope that you can accept an openly political person on your board.

If not...

I understand.

Thank you.

[ALL CLAMORING]

It's faster if I get to my office this way. We don't need pictures of this.

I can't believe he got kicked off the school board for admitting he's political.

Yeah, some groups take longer than others to gain acceptance.

We like our politicians in the closet because we're afraid, deep down,

-we're all a little political. -Any of you smell a bird murderer?

I came here to apologize.

I hope your apology comes with a beak, hollow bones, and a special magnet in its head it uses to migrate.

-You skipped wings. -Insects have wings!

-I'm sorry. PELTON: I'm sorry, Abed.

I lost myself in a role. It won't happen again.

Two of them died. There's one left. He's hanging on, but I'm worried he's turning into a symbol of my own innocence.

Oh...

-Isn't Chang's play tonight? -If you go, you're supporting abuse.

-Oh, dial it back, Annie. -Oh!

I'm definitely in. It'll be interesting to see how his fake crying

-is different from his real crying. -I'm a big fan of the performing arts.

But I'll go to Chang's play anyway.

Karate Kid adaptation? Karate Kid adaptation?

Karate Kid adaptation? Karate Kid adaptation? Karate Kid adaptation?

[♪♪♪]

Ahem.

Karate Kid adaptation? Okay. Ah! I might.

I'm catching up.

[CROWD MURMURING]

MATT: Directors have a saying.

Actors are worthless, empty-headed homunculi.

But the right one in the right role can change the world. Hm.

I have found the right one. He's found the right role.

And tonight, your world changes.

You're welcome.

[♪♪♪]

-He replaced me with Annie Kim? -Shh.

-Hyah! TONY: Ow!

Sorry. You okay?

You must be the new people in Apartment 20.

What was that, karate?

KIM: Yeah, you know. -[MOUTHS] Yeah, you know.

Hey, me and my friends are gonna have a party at the beach.

You should come.

-Hey, are you the repairman? CHANG [IN DEEP VOICE]: Aye.

KIM: Faucet's really leaking there.

-Aye. -When are you gonna fix it?

After.

After what?

"After" after.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Come ask leave boy alone to train.

You got a lot of nerve, old man. But I like that. I like that.

Name a place.

{\an8}CHANG: Tournament.

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING]

Sergeant Miyagi. Yes, sir.

Regret to inform wife, sir.

Complication at birth, sir.

[SNIFFLING]

No doctor in camp.

Why she d--?

Why she d--?

[CHANG SOBBING]

-Please forgive me. -Shh.

No need fight anymore. You proved point.

What, that I could take a beating?

Every time I see those guys, they'll know they got the best of me.

Close eye.

[RUMBLING AND AUDIENCE GASPS]

Get up, Daniel.

Get up.

[♪♪♪]

[YELLS]

[CHEERING]

Yeah!

Yeah, woot, woot! Ha-ha!

You're all right, LaRusso.

KIM: We did it, Mr. Miyagi.

We did it.

-I'm speechless. -I forgot Chang was up there.

BRITTA: Me too. It's such a relief to be able to support him out of something other than fear.

Guess all that suffering paid off.

You have to wonder if it wouldn't have been better for Daniel to get beat up even more.

I am at a total loss about what lesson to learn from any of this.

Maybe that's the lesson.

Mmm...

-I lost a button. -Maybe we all lost a button.

CHANG [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Hey. Hey, guys.

[ALL CHEERING]

Thank you so much.

-Hey. Thank you for making me do this. -You're welcome. Congratulations.

-I'm jealous. -Oh, no, no. Don't be.

I sit in my dressing room, and all I dream about is a white picket fence and the dog.

I don't have those either.

[MATT WHISTLES]

Chang, let's go.

I guess all the actors go to some sort of actor bar together, heh-heh.

I'll see you guys in school. Bye.

[♪♪♪]

MATT: What are you talking to them for?

[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

Hey, I know this great bar for people that don't hate themselves.

What do you say?

Milady.

Milord. Ha!

We're gathered here today to celebrate the release of this bird into these skies.

That its now fully formed wings may find purchase upon the four winds.

If anyone would like to say something, now is the time.

Oh. Uh...

I'll always remember how you kept me from getting e-mail for a week.

And that chirp you do when you want more bread.

[BIRD CHIRPS]

Yeah, that one.

Now, everyone, please put on your cat masks and finger wings.

With these cat masks, we remind you that this place can no longer be home.

But with the fluttering of these wings, we symbolically join your flight into the natural world. Wings, everyone.

Okay, you can go now.

Off you go.

Time to go, little bird. That's just the way it is.

[ALL CHEERING]

[♪♪♪]

-It's done. BRITTA: You did the right thing.

Thanks to you, that bird has his whole life ahead of him.

To fly, meet lady birds, even start a bird family. You made a difference.

Oh, Abed.

[♪♪♪]

{\an8}[CHIRPING]

[♪♪♪]