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Laws Of Robotics & Party Rights

[♪♪♪]

-Why did Frankie call us here? -I don't know.

Some financial prospect that could put the school in the black.

Which always confuses me, because black means bad.

When it's a cat or a banana, or a shirt that makes you think you've lost more weight than you have.

-Nice save. Sorry about that, man. -Huh?

What? Did someone use the word "black," and now you want me to give you the all clear?

Please tell me that won't be my role. I have a brain the size of Jupiter.

-I'm nobody's fourth Ghostbuster. PELTON: No.

I promise this group does not think that way.

In fact, before you got here, they had two--

No.

They had to often step back and remind themselves that they weren't one collective ray of light.

Is this a cult?

Are you gonna eat me?

No. We're fine. I lived in New York.

Speaking of which, midterms are over, and I was thinking we could have a party at our apartment.

-Abed? Annie? -You can have a party.

BRITTA: Yes! -You can't have a rager.

We have a rule against more than eight guests.

Eight guests? That's not "not a rager."

That's not a party.

-Nice grammar. BRITTA: Okay.

You have a rule against parties, which I'm sure is a record for uptightness.

So let's celebrate that.

I'll bring the booze and more than eight guests.

Britta, you just moved in.

You don't even have a real bedroom.

You're a coucher.

[IMITATING JERRY SEINFELD] She sleeps on the couch. She's a coucher.

BRITTA: So I get nothing? -You get a couch.

You get a home.

-There's no government to overthrow. -I'm not overthrowing.

-You're overthrowing if I say so. -Nice irony.

Can we focus on this? Because now this is happening.

FRANKIE: Hello, everyone. Don't be alarmed.

I'm attending our meeting using what's called a telepresence robot.

I resent the idea that this would alarm me.

These bots have been revolutionizing the private sector,

and now, the state of Colorado has come to us with a unique...

-Proposition. -Seamless, Frankie.

The department of corrections will pay us money if we allow a small, manageable number of inmates to attend Greendale using these.

[IN GRAVELLY VOICE] Now, hold on, are you trying to tell me that prisoners would use these things to come to our school?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] That's the black guy in every sci-fi movie.

I'll allow it.

Wait. Prisoners? Rolling around the school?

-With students? -They'll rape us.

They'll rape us all.

They can't rape you, because their genitals will be hundreds of miles away.

From each other?

This is an attempt at rehabilitation.

The prison is looking for ways to expose their inmates to a real-world academic environment.

Okay, I've heard enough. I'm responsible for this school.

I won't have hardened criminals exposing themselves to it.

That's the response they're getting.

Which is why the state is offering a $300,000 incentive.

We'll do it. Dean, do it, 300,000 for the school.

-They're convicts. JEFF: They're iPads on sticks.

As someone that got paid to keep people out, let me tell you--

CHANG [ON MONITOR]: Hey, guys. I'm moon walking.

--not every bad guy ends up in prison and not every prisoner is a bad guy.

-Who's this guy? -Three hundred thousand.

-Oh, yeah. PELTON: Jeffrey.

You know ordinarily I'd do anything you say.

-Do it. -Let's do it. Oh.

I walked into that one.

Gross. Who farted?

Oh, wait, never mind.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

{\an8}♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream ♪

{\an8}♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

{\an8}♪ We could be roped up, tied up Dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one They all just fade away ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

PELTON: I'm so glad you talked me into this.

{\an8}Three hundred thousand dollars.

{\an8}Look at us, running the school together.

{\an8}If I'm running the school, pay me more.

{\an8}What if I made you professor emeritus? We could have a little ceremony--

{\an8}-Does it pay more? -No.

{\an8}Then give me what the ceremony would cost.

Okay, folks, welcome.

{\an8}I believe you all have maps of our campus. This is your dean. Dean?

{\an8}Now, if I see any race gangs forming,

{\an8}I will have no choice but to adjust the contrast on your screens

{\an8}until you all look the same.

And we have a very strict no-bullying policy

{\an8}that relates directly to me, so be nice. To me.

{\an8}WILLY: No need to be nervous.

We're all here because we done some bad stuff.

-But we ain't here to do any more. -Aw. That's very folksy, thank you.

{\an8}So I guess just roll forth and rehabilitate.

{\an8}[MAN 1 CHUCKLING]

{\an8}MAN 2: They can see us and we can see them.

[LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

All right, knock it off.

No one at this school should pick on any class of people.

It's like watching magicians bully jugglers.

-What's your name? -Willy.

JEFF: Willy. Take a seat.

I'm Mr. Jeff Winger. I teach Fundamentals of Law.

Does that mean you can teach me how to get out?

STUDENTS: Ha-ha-ha. -Probably not. I was a phony lawyer.

I got caught and now I teach a pretty phony class.

It's an automatic A, but you might learn a thing or two.

And I mean literally a thing or two. Cool?

-And they call me the criminal. STUDENTS: Heh-heh-heh.

Trust me, I know the main difference between us is an orange jumpsuit.

-But you have an iPad. STUDENTS: Ha-ha-ha.

Yeah, and I'm a murderer.

Now, now, don't worry. I ain't proud of it.

I just don't hide it. You know, once you take another man's life,

you carry it with you.

You carrying any murders, Mr. Winger?

I am not.

I hear you have to have strong feelings for someone you kill.

I reserve that stuff for myself.

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

All right.

That's enough law.

Who wants to watch Planet Earth?

Oh, look.

Ice worlds.

Oh, the majesty.

Rhinos and elephants and flamingos.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Abed.

Haven't you been in our apartment longer than Annie?

Yeah. I remember when she first moved in.

I was so worried about pacing, I was constantly laying groundwork for gags.

Hey, Annie.

I'd like to make this moment worth popping back to from the future.

I don't know what that means.

[AIRHORN BLOWS]

There. Don't worry, it'll pay off.

Hey, Troy.

Glad I kicked that habit. It was getting joyless.

What I'm saying is, by Annie's logic--

You're saying I could overrule Annie, let you have a party.

I don't get anything out of parties.

They're conventions for every subject too boring to have their own convention.

The police showed up when you made Leonard take off his clothes

-and filled the living room with lizards. -That was for my movie Reverse Godzilla.

I thought it might make a good popback.

I make movies, Annie makes rules, you make parties.

Her rules cancel out your parties, but I'm not involved. I just make movies.

[♪♪♪]

[WHISTLING]

[WILLY CONTINUES WHISTLING]

Evening, Mr. Winger.

Willy. You're here late.

Taking some night classes. Trying to take full advantage, you know?

Is this your car? It's nice.

Looks like you're taking full advantage too.

{\an8}Yeah. It's a real dream gig.

{\an8}Sarcasm.

Slick words. Cock of the walk.

{\an8}What are categories in Prison Jeopardy?

[LAUGHING]

Hey, you mind helping me out with something?

I lost a ball-bearing and it rolled down them stairs.

-"Lost a ball bearing"? -Mm-hm. Down them stairs.

You want me to look down these stairs. Okay.

[♪♪♪]

Did you just try to murder me?

Are you trying to murder me?

You're trying as hard as you can right now to kill me.

Okay, well, uh, I guess I'll see you in class tomorrow... guy who tried to murder me.

Oh, I'll see you in class tomorrow, Mr. Winger.

I will see you--

Yeah, I'll see you--

[GROANS]

Oh, I'll see you tomorrow, Mr. Winger.

[WILLY WHISTLING]

Um...

So we are having a party?

Annie, you know me better than that.

This is all set dressing.

I'm helping Abed produce his next film.

"Britta's Party, Based On a True Story of Fun and No Rules."

"Fade in before a party.

People start coming over. Way more than eight.

It becomes a rager.

Everyone has a great time and parties like there's no tomorrow.

Then they leave. Sophia cleans up. The end."

We're very interested in you for the role of Sophia.

I see the stakes of Can't Hardly Wait, the subversive raunch of Risky Business, and the mumbly pointlessness of everything after 2003.

-But real. -Totally real.

The first movie to capture the heart of a real party:

The sensation that there's no tomorrow. The transcendence of time.

Bravo, Britta. Very clever.

Me? Don't look at me. I could never greenlight a project this big.

I moved in third. I am a coucher.

ABED [AS SEINFELD]: She's a coucher. -[AS SEINFELD] I sleep

-on a couch! ABED: On a couch!

She's a coucher! Look out! Look out!

Who is it? It's a coucher! Oh, boy.

Okay.

-Good night. -[IN NORMAL VOICE] Good night.

ANNIE: Aw.

Before this is over, you'll beg for my forgiveness.

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING]

So we have an ultimately low-stakes, but nonetheless creepy problem with one of our Wi-Felons.

-You mean Willy. -Yes.

What else did he do? Steal the driver's ed simulator?

-Did he start an illegal game of solitaire? -Jeffrey, he's in the room.

Hey, Mr. Winger.

-Why is he on your laptop? -He came to me for a chat this morning.

He's here for an education, Jeffrey, and he reports to the prison.

Could you do a little more in your class than show Planet Earth?

You're telling on me?

-He tried to murder me last night. -What? Now, hold on.

Now, where I'm from, you accuse somebody of something,

you better have evidence or he better be a minority.

-He tried to push me down stairs. -That's ridiculous.

It was ridiculous. This is not someone who should be with students.

And you're seriously taking his word over mine?

Have you ever killed anyone, Jeffrey?

Why would an actual murderer wanna kill a community college teacher?

Now I'm not worth murdering?

-Why would I lie? -Isn't that your specialty?

You're a raconteur. You charm people with your slick and fancy words.

Willy, Willy just charms them.

Oh, my God.

Ha-ha. I should leave you two alone. I've got classes.

Some of us came here to work.

PELTON: Jealousy isn't a crime, Jeffrey.

But costing the school $300,000 will be.

So be a good teacher.

Especially when Willy's watching.

[♪♪♪]

-Which is why they call it "yard juice." STUDENTS: Hm.

-Next question. -Do you get to pick your number?

Does anyone get their head stuck between the bars?

WILLY: We call it getting metal ears.

Oh, hi, Mr. Winger. Thought we'd sneak in a little learning before the movie.

Well, there's no movie today.

-So everyone roll to your seat areas. -Yes, sir.

JEFF: So, law.

Law is, simply put, an agreement we all make to do our best to stay out of each other's way.

Is there a more technical definition, Mr. Winger?

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Well, I wouldn't know, Willy.

I don't cotton much to fancy words and book study.

-It's not how I got to where I am. -How did you get to be where you are?

Where were you born?

JEFF [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Mr. Winger was born in dirt, Willy.

Same as you, I'm sure.

And I had my face held down in that dirt by the kings of dirt.

And now they're still there, ruling over dirt, and I got out.

By talking. By lying.

Well, in case you haven't noticed, it seems to beat being a bully.

Garrett?

Mr. Winger, when did you stop being funny?

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

I mean, am I wrong, or does he seem really intense here?

You're born in the dirt, you'll die in the dirt.

Who are the kings of the dirt?

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

Everyone's so charmed by him because he's a violent criminal.

But he's also a petty sociopath, and the more I try to point that out, the pettier I look.

Weren't you the one who championed this program?

Shouldn't have worn that petard if you didn't want to be hoisted.

What do you think the expression

"hoisted by your own petard" is referencing?

I guess I assumed that in the old days, a petard was a special outfit, like a leotard, with a lot of fancy buckles and loops on it, and that rich people would wear them when they were feeling especially smug.

But then poor people could tie a rope to one of the loops and hoist them up a pole and then let them dangle there as punishment for being cocky.

Never look it up. Your explanation is way better.

But also, the next time a friend comes by with their problems, maybe lay off the I-told-you-so's.

Jeff, we're having a Britta party here.

Could you be a little bit less of a buzzkill?

That was great. Now, party like there's no tomorrow.

-What? -There's no tomorrow. Party like it.

Huh. Uh...

Okay. Why don't you just do some business in the background for now?

Hi, everybody.

No, don't worry. We're not here to bust up your party.

I know most of you are, like, 30.

We're here because Frankie Dart has exciting news.

You have all been very cooperative with this inmate education program.

The department of corrections is very, very happy.

Which means Greendale is gonna be rich.

ALL: Whoo!

So don't tell anybody, but we smuggled in a few guests to the party to celebrate with us.

-Did someone order a prison break? ALL: Whoo!

PELTON: Plenty of convicts to go around.

[ALL CHATTERING]

PELTON: Take them to the dance floor.

[CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

PELTON: Pass them around. That's Willy. Pass him.

WILLY: Yeah! Ha-ha.

PELTON: Over here. Pass Willy. Pass me Willy. Ha-ha-ha.

-Oh! Whoo! PELTON: Here you go, Willy.

[ABED SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Keep doing that. Keep doing that.

WILLY: Woo-hoo!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

♪ I love it, I love it, yeah Oh, oh, oh ♪♪

ABED: Try dancing harder. MAN: Ah-ah-ooh-ah.

Is that as hard as you can dance? You're at a party. You're celebrating.

BRITTA: Abed. It's 6 in the morning. -Okay, thanks.

Do you think you've gotten enough shots?

Nobody's partied like there's no tomorrow yet.

-They keep dancing like it's today. -That's okay.

Are you joking?

This is the reason I signed on. It's a performance issue.

This needed some real actors.

-Well, lesson learned. -Yeah.

Okay, from the top and action.

What?

Who are these people?

Go, go, go. Good, Dean. Good, Frankie.

Party. Party. No tomorrow, guys. Come on.

WILLY: Hey, Mr. Winger.

{\an8}You know, I was thinking for class today maybe you could--

Hey, what's going on?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, careful now, put me down.

Well, Willy, look at me.

I'm a murderer.

Can I be as cool as you now? Huh?!

Willy?

No, no, no!

Willy, talk to me.

Talk to me.

-I can't see anything. -Willy.

Focus on my voice.

-I'm losing you. -You're not losing me.

You are going to a better place with a stronger signal.

Willy?

Willy.

Willy!

GUARD: What's going on here? -He started it.

Jeffrey.

You are on sabbatical.

-You can't do that. -Yes, I can.

Two weeks paid sabbatical.

Get him out of here.

He's banned from the campus.

You are on sabbatical!

GUARD: You're on sabbatical, sir. -Yeah, I'll go on my own. With dignity.

-Something you should look up. -I can't look it up!

You destroyed my device.

And my heart.

You destroyed his device and his heart, sir.

Yeah. I'm going.

Willy!

Willy!

[SIGHS]

Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find a parking spot for my house.

It must be so cool living in a vehicle.

-Wait, where's your poop go? -A tank.

Gross. Get a house.

-Ben, aren't you homeless? -Yeah, but I poop in a house.

-Whose? -Heh. Nice try.

-Annie. -Britta.

-How's your movie coming? -Amazing. Abed's a genius.

Having a hard time deciding what to cut.

It's going to be in two volumes and it's hard to sleep but it's worth it, because it's a movie about a party.

-Would you like my help? -Yes.

Have you learned anything?

Don't question rules. Rules are good. I'm bad. All hail Annie.

-Thank you. -Damn.

How nice of you to show up. We moved here for you.

I didn't ask for this. Have your meeting at school without me.

Dean's using the study room for the ceremony.

-What the-- Ceremony? CHANG: You don't know?

The dean is making that convict into a professor.

-What? -Why do you care?

Because the dean is doing this to prove something and it's really stupid.

The guy's dangerous and he's manipulating him.

Isn't that what you usually do?

No. I mean, yes, but not like that.

I lie to the dean for personal gain.

Wouldn't use him emotionally, I wouldn't mislead him, I wouldn't hurt him.

Have you ever thought of saying that to the dean?

Jeff, go to him.

Going to him.

Wait. That's the whole point.

I can't go to him. I can't get on campus.

And yet murderers can.

-What have I done? -Murderers can get on campus.

I'll need a broom, a remote-control car, an iPad and an elaborate, gyroscopically-stabilized servomotor.

Dude. We're trying to help Jeff here.

You're acting kind of spoiled right now.

ABED: Party, party, party.

Cut!

Abed.

Britta has something to say.

[BRITTA CLEARS THROAT]

My script is misleading.

It's impossible to party like there's no tomorrow.

-But it's based on a true-- -It's based on my desire to have a party.

Parties are just booze, low lights and loud music so people can feel more, see less, and not have to listen to each other or themselves.

That's stupid. Parties are stupid.

I'm stupid. You're shooting a stupid movie.

-That's a wrap. MAN: Ugh.

Go on. We're done here.

Bye.

Bye.

What's gonna happen to me?

You're going to be punished in ways you won't understand, for longer than you think is rational or possible.

But then one day, you'll do something he likes and he'll stop.

And eventually you'll either adapt or lose your mind.

Okay.

Girls?

Girls.

{\an8}[♪♪♪]

As a prison warden, I know all too well how rare stories of true rehabilitation can be.

But this dean and this prisoner stand here together today to prove that the dream is real.

-I'm here for the ceremony. -Last name?

Geller. Prisoner ID: 042098.

Okay, go on.

-Hi. I'm here for the ceremony. -Have a nice night, sir.

Dean Craig Pelton, do you accept responsibility for any damage incurred by hiring a felon?

I do.

Willy Sebret Smith, do you accept that the 13th Amendment abolished slavery for everyone but convicts, and that we have no choice but to pay you 13 cents per hour or less?

-I do. -Aw.

Let us make official this symbolic union--

JEFF: Hold it.

Dean, I agree there's no reason you shouldn't give this guy my job.

Save it. I don't wanna hear it.

Don't do it before I tell you some things I've been getting away with not saying.

-Somebody get this maniac out of-- -Quiet, Willy.

Let's do this by prison rules.

Say what you have to say.

Dean. I like my job.

I don't mind coming to work here.

I feel kind of guilty when I pretend to be sick.

And I try to steal as little as possible.

Just the basics. Pens, coffee filters, toilet paper,

and one time an overhead projector and a roll of carpet.

But I don't lead you on and I never will.

I'm not just a pretty face that murders people

and tells you what you wanna hear.

I'm less than that.

I'm a gorgeous face that works for you and considers you a friend.

-Oh, Jeffrey. ALL: Aw.

Now, to be fair, you guys know Willy's an innocent man, right?

You shut your mouth, warden.

No, it's true. His appeal is in motion. There's new DNA evidence.

He's a good fella, wrongfully convicted.

You're not a murderer?

-I can explain. -Ha-ha-ha! Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Son of a bitch!

[WILLY GRUNTING]

Wait. Let's do this by community-college rules.

ALL: Fight! Fight! Fight!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

-Ha-ha! -Ugh!

Go, brooms! Go!

-Bring it on. WILLY: Argh!

-It's so violent. Mm. -You punch like a girl!

[JEFF & WILLY GRUNTING]

Yeah, this is what you got? Here's what I got.

Come on. Let's do it.

Aah!

Aah! Jeffrey!

-Now who's fallen? PELTON: Hey, Willy.

Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa--

ALL: Whoa!

[♪♪♪]

Thanks, Dean.

Dean. Dean. Oh, come on.

No, no. No. Stop.

Way to go, Mr. Winger.

Way to go.

JEFF: Everybody, I am not participating in this.

What the hell kind of school is this?

Okay, thanks for coming on short notice.

-Is everyone here? -I think so.

It's hard to tell without side cameras.

Wait, why am I moving?

Is my custom background working?

Wait-- I can't--

W-A-S-D to move. It's been the same since the invention of the keyboard.

-Okay, nerd. -As you've heard,

the rehabilitation program has been aborted,

so we lost that money, but we no longer have to build 67 ramps,

so we should break even.

Can you all hear that?

[THUMPING]

There's a kid outside throwing tennis balls against my RV.

[IN DISTORTED VOICE] Think I'm-- And your-- Coffee sho-- Corporate thieves--

Was it necessary for us to use these things for this meeting?

There's something wrong with mine. I'll get a better connection.

{\an8}It wasn't entirely necessary, but the prison is selling these units at a discount,

so I thought I'd run their offer by the school.

-What are you doing? Get out. -Mine's broken.

No, it's not. There's a janitor on it right now.

[BRITTA SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

-I think Britta's being arrested. -I have every right to be here.

--scared of you, but I'm not.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

All right. That's it. Do you know how much windows cost, John McEnroe?

JEFF: Get off my lap. -Stop fighting technology.

I vote yes. We should get these. They're cool.

I vote no. People shouldn't be everywhere at once.

-We need to do our own thing. -Chang, where are you?

-Doing my own thing. -Why is there tile behind you?

Please tell me you're not doing the thing I think you're doing.

That's the same tile we have in our bathroom.

-What? Chang. -I gotta go.

Oh, my God.

JEFF: Yeah, I gotta go too. -Oh, Jeffrey.

-We're passing on their offer? -No. They're just amateurs.

Initiating override protocol.

{\an8}[BEEPING]

{\an8}-All in favor of this purchase? ALL: Affirmative.

Very well. Abeds, commence with world domination.

ALL: Eradicate. Eradicate. Eradicate.

Eradicate. Eradicate.

Eradicate. Eradicate. Eradicate.

[♪♪♪]