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Basic Email Security

[♪♪♪]

Damn it.

Ugh. Come on. Oh, Elroy?

Elroy? Hey.

-Computer no worky. -Please don't do that.

-Computer no worky. -Did you forget your password again?

Pelton, I can't keep track of all the parakeets you had growing up.

This is different. No matter what I do,

-I get the same error. -Which one?

"You have been owned by Elite Fleet 69. Our hacks are all up in your systems."

I'm not bothering to pronounce them, but there are a lot of Z's being used.

Oh, crap.

What?

Is there another Mask movie coming out?

-The school's been hacked. -Wha--?

-How can we stop it? -It's too late. It's happened.

No parlo hablo "too late" at Greendale, Elroy.

There's always something that can be done.

I wasn't gonna say anything, but you could cut the hard line at the mainframe.

Hard line. Mainframe.

[♪♪♪]

I have to cut the hard line on the mainframe.

WOMAN: Hey! PELTON: Clear a path to the mainframe!

I have to cut the hard line.

You were being sarcastic.

Yeah. But you should look at this.

PELTON: "Cancel your offensive performance.

You know the one we mean.

We have all your information.

If you do not cancel this hateful comedy show,

-you will taste our power in this way." -There's a link.

-Wait, don't click it. -What, the green skull will get a virus?

My God.

It's the lunch lady's e-mails. It's all the lunch lady's e-mails.

Which lunch lady? The hot one?

You mean the one who serves the hot food?

Mmm. That's the one.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

{\an8}♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream ♪

{\an8}♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

{\an8}♪ We could be roped up, tied up Dead in a year ♪

♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one They all just fade away ♪♪

[SKULLS LAUGHING ON SCREENS]

[♪♪♪]

{\an8}Please tell me you aren't sitting there reading the lunch lady's leaked e-mails.

{\an8}JEFF: No, no one here could ever do that.

{\an8}I mean, not even in shifts, it's decades of data.

{\an8}I'm reading the Greendale Gazette's highlights of the e-mails.

{\an8}I found a torrent of the highlights if you don't wanna wait for ads.

{\an8}Abed, that's stealing.

{\an8}Ads are there so the Gazette can pay people to go through the e-mails.

{\an8}Not to get liberal, but once they're online,

{\an8}does anyone really own the lunch lady's e-mails?

{\an8}The future of the Internet is branded content.

{\an8}Wazzledazzle.com's got five Bacardi cocktails

{\an8}inspired by the lunch lady's most embarrassing secrets.

You guys are violating her privacy.

{\an8}I'm pretty sure the media's doing that. We're just reading the news.

{\an8}The police are here about our computers being hacked.

Hi, guys. I see a few familiar faces here, a few new ones as well.

Just gonna keep the cop you've known for five years at arm's length? I get it.

-What have you been able to figure out? -It's a unique case, because it's hard to decide what laws are being broken, unless you count the lunch lady's sex life.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Thanks. Thanks a lot. Anyway, our city does have a cybercrime division, but--

Well, it's pretty new.

Any leads, Officer Warburton?

I want McDonald's.

Wants McDonald's.

Assuming you probably can't see, it's a child in an adult-size police uniform.

It's cute, but doesn't help our situation.

PELTON: What do we make of the demands?

We were able to find out a little more.

This message was posted online and signed, "the hackers."

And we assume it's legit because, well, that's just where we're at.

"Cancel the performance of the terrorist comedian

Gupta Gupti Gupta, who seeks to spread hatred with his hateful comedy."

You guys booked Gupta Gupti Gupta?

-Seven hundred dollars. BRITTA: Oh, my God, dean.

He's renowned for his racist act.

How can he be racist?

Listen to his name.

The message says, "If you don't cancel his performance, what happened to the lunch lady will happen to everyone on the Activities Committee."

Ha. We don't have a--

Oh, God, that's us.

-What do we do? -That's up to the school.

I'm just a cop born in a small town, raised in the heartland, but cancel the performance. Give the government the powers to eliminate people before they turn into hackers.

That's all I've got. How's everything, otherwise?

Stoked for Avengers? Avengers?

Avengers? Avengers?

Marvel got hands-on. They pinned in Joss Whedon creatively, so how can that go wrong? Okay, see you.

I'm gonna call a press conference, announce the comedy is canceled.

BRITTA: Wait, hold on.

-What's that? -Do your thing.

-Inspire them. -To do what?

To rise to the occasion, to not let these hackers push us around.

Don't you think that we have an obligation here?

The cop says no.

Well, the cops say that your car trunk has something to do with 9/11.

They're crossing guards with guns.

This is on us as a committee, the eyes of the world are--

Aren't within hundreds of miles of this room.

How about the eyes of something bigger?

Aren't you an atheist? Don't you hate this government?

Are you planning on going to see this comic?

Yes, pretty much, and, of course not, I was planning to protest him.

But-- I can't believe I'm the one saying this.

For God's sakes, we're freaking Americans.

We're talking about freedom of speech.

It's the amendment so important, it's the first one they remembered to add.

-For white people. -With penises.

We prefer to be called people without color or vaginas.

I know some things have gotten simple, other things have gotten complicated, but we still have a legacy and a job in this country.

We're the colony so high maintenance, the British gave up.

We're so obnoxious, the French sent us a statue.

Nobody tells us to shut up.

And, yes, I know that our wealth is no longer distributed.

And, yes, our democracy has been hijacked and turned into a puppet show about two fake parties controlled by a cartel of monopolies, and if our votes had any real power, they'd be illegal.

Britta! Freedom of speech acknowledged. Trust us.

Cancel the show, cancel people. Might as well bring dinosaurs back.

What? Let her finish.

Britta, you saw what they did to the lunch lady.

You wanna guess how much better my e-mails are?

You want me to call a press conference and say, "Now do me"?

No. I'll do it.

Let them leak me.

[♪♪♪]

[GROANS]

I'm not letting you do this alone.

FRANKIE: Screw it.

I'm in.

Someone has to be the last one to stand up and that isn't me.

I kind of zoned out and assume we're standing to go see Avengers?

These guys are giving hackers a bad name.

And hacker is already such a dumb name.

I'm not an idealist. I'm a pragmatist.

And it's never pragmatic to piss you guys off, so fine.

Guys, this is so inspiring.

I guess just let me know how it goes. No matter what happens, I'm with you.

But don't tell anyone. If you do, I'll deny it, but I'm with you here and now. Not literally here and now.

Right now I'm leaving, but I will always have been with you secretly, bye.

The performance by Gupta Gupti Gupta will go on as scheduled tomorrow night, and we encourage anyone who believes in freedom to attend Mr. Gupta's performance.

Although, as a woman, with many Jewish and black friends,

I will be deeply offended, and petitioning to have Mr. Gupta banned from all campuses across America, but one thing at a time.

First, freedom of speech does not just apply to speech you want to hear.

Case in point, am I right?

Stephanie, get my good side right here.

Oh, I'm being censored! I'm being censored!

There's coffee and Scotch in the corner.

Screw the hackers, and long live Greendale.

[ALL CHEERING]

All right, I'll see you at sound check in the cafeteria tomorrow.

There is a good chance we are going to be targeted, so nobody gets on the Internet tonight.

BOTH: No peeking at the leaking. -Promise, promise, promise?

Okay.

BRITTA: Jeff. -Hm?

Thank you for backing me up, a little.

You turned into the path of least resistance.

You're putting your ass on the line for an ideal.

JEFF: Well, maybe a fraction of a butt cheek on the line.

It's not like I use that Greendale e-mail for anything but porn subscriptions and improv-show mailing lists.

What makes you think it's only your Greendale e-mail they'll be leaking?

Because they hacked Greendale.

-You have a computer in your office? -Yes.

-Do you check e-mails on that computer? -Uh-huh.

You look at boobies on it?

One time.

They got it.

They got everything. Ha-ha-ha.

It's Vietnam now, baby.

It's Vietnam. Ha-ha-ha.

Anyways, like I said, thanks.

[♪♪♪]

[PEOPLE GIGGLING]

MAN: There she is.

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

-Hello. -Hello.

[♪♪♪]

-Girls. -Francesca.

Word around school is our e-mails have been leaked.

Is that so?

Oh, the first you've heard of it?

I guess I heard some rumblings.

-Hmm. Rumblings. BRITTA & FRANKIE: Hmm.

-Hello, Jeff. -Hello, Jeff.

Jeff Winger.

Annie. Britta. Frankie.

-I hear the hackers leaked our e-mails. ANNIE: Yeah, I heard something like that.

-Shall we help set up chairs? -Sure.

Something was wrong with that one.

Bad chair.

Hi, how's everybody doing? I asked a damn question.

ALL: Fine. -New look?

I'm glad you like it.

I'd hate to think my wardrobe wasn't passing with this group, so here I am in a brand-new outfit, with an up-to-the-minute shirt.

I'm not the best at non-verbal cues, so I have to ask, is it possible that everyone but me read the leaked e-mails?

BRITTA: Absolutely not possible, no. ANNIE: Nope.

I read it all! I read all your crap!

I have read everything you guys have ever wrote about me in an e-mail, and you guys are the worst people in the world.

Screw you guys, not cool!

Mean, mean, mean!

Point it at me and I will eat it. I will bite your finger off and I will eat it.

Let's see you type more descriptions of my Houseguest-era Sinbad wardrobe.

Aha! That's a direct quote from a really mean e-mail I wrote about him, so now who's the bad guy?

Okay, how much of the leak did each of you read?

Okay, stop it. Why don't we just admit that we--?

I'm not admitting it.

ELROY: Oh, please. BRITTA: Oh, Annie, get over it.

You had my blood tested for amphetamines?!

You were extra jumpy last spring, and we had to double check to be safe.

I don't think I'm jumpy enough if my friends can steal my blood.

Oh, you gave it to us.

For that human genome project?

We only used half of it for that. You're 1 percent Neanderthal.

Ew.

How can you judge anyone, light-switch-licker?

Like this: Ew.

You guys hear that sound?

That's the sound of the hackers winning. Our school is out there right now, pawing through our dirty laundry, laughing at us, waiting to see what we're gonna do.

Waiting to see who wins in the battle between terror and cool.

We gotta be cool, man.

We gotta be cool.

[BRITTA EXHALES]

And set up for a show.

Abed, if you wouldn't mind,

-please, checking the sound system. -No problem.

Unless you're too busy saying I don't understand Donnie Darko.

BRITTA: Annie. -I'm cool.

I'll set up the box office.

Oh, or will me opening a box office unfairly influence wagers in your betting pool about my sexual preference?

We saw this one coming, and we are so sorry.

Oh, that cuts it. The word "sorry" fills that crater right to the brim, yeah.

Oh, boo-hoo. Your friends are curious about your night life.

We kept it among friends.

You told Human Resources I was a "functional" alcoholic.

I am required to file a report on every teacher.

And if you throw another tantrum, I will revise yours.

To what? Non-lethal murderer?

Armless javelin thrower?

What in your unqualified, buzzword-bloated, little red schoolhouse of a brain is a functional alcoholic?

What, in your brain, is a "ChapStick" lesbian?

To me, 300 bucks, unless you care to refute it.

My sexuality is of zero concern to my job and to everyone here.

I swear, if you people were trapped on a tiger-infested island with no food or water, you would judge every ship that came to save you.

How do the tigers survive without food or water?

Oh, it's not cute, Annie, and I read your entry in the pool.

Was your goal to win or just be disgusting?

I had to pick last!

Yeah? Well, we read about ourselves in your weirdly melodramatic e-mails to your sister, who you might notice never responds, take a hint.

She's dead.

I pretend to write her e-mails as a journaling device, you wretched, invasive little gremlin!

Okay, why don't we just call that rock bottom?

ABED: Check one, check two.

Check one, check two.

Well, well, it looks like Jeff Winger auto-paid his car insurance.

Annie's book club has a meeting tomorrow.

Where'd you find the bad stuff?

Maybe what we all need to do here is have everyone address and own one thing they know is out there.

No blame, no shame, just an explanation.

I'll start. I'm sure by now you've all seen the e-mails between me and the Patterson family of Virginia.

-Not me. -No.

I received their first letter as part of a family e-mail chain Christmas of 2007.

-I don't think you owe us. -Although I--

I didn't understand why they had written me, I responded politely.

When I realized they had mistaken me for their cousin, for some reason, I suppose it was loneliness,

I simply failed to disabuse them of that notion.

-Well, that's-- -I've come to love

Barb and George and Jelson and Riselle and even Uncle Paul with all his flaws. Ha-ha-ha.

And even though our relationship is based on a lie, for me, it's one of the realest I'll ever know.

ANNIE: Aw. -Heh.

I hope you don't think by explaining that, you're off the hook for the 3D models you've been making of our bodies without our permission.

That's what those photos were for?

I'm making a game about lady time travelers.

-Where, in your pants? Heh-heh-heh. -It's pretty creepy, Elroy.

Oh, you guys are so suave.

You're such gentlemen.

You and Chang have a daily e-mail chain ranking Annie and Britta one and two.

JEFF: By which you mean

Chang e-mails me rankings every day, I don't respond.

Uh, except for February 7th, 2013.

"Chang: Britta is one, Annie is two.

Jeff: Ha. Yeah."

Jeff, gross.

And, Britta, way to instantly memorize the exact date of your big victory.

Hey, silver and gold, ladies, ain't no losers there.

I think we're losing sight of what's important.

Says the woman suing her father for $80.

Tell it to your fake family.

Have you made any creepy boob models of Giselle yet?

Riselle's like a daughter to me.

But arguably more like a daughter to her parents.

Didn't you have your own family?

-Go write an astronaut. -Heh-heh.

Oh, did anyone see Jeff's letters? He writes to astronauts.

-Talk about creepy. -They're national heroes!

Yes, they are. Leave them alone!

-Oh, this I got to see. -Know what I don't wanna see?

Your exchanges with your life coach about the group when we were dating.

Oh, and by the way, clearly not a life coach, and absolutely just an Italian sociopath you met at a dispensary.

You two dated?

-This was a study group? -Yeah, Chang was our teacher.

FRANKIE & ELROY: What? -That's right.

And frankly, haven't been well-utilized since.

"Dear Reid Wiseman, congratulations on your return to Earth."

A lady time traveling video game?

JEFF: "Hey, Emilio, I tried what you said about..."

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

BRITTA: "Dear Neil Armstrong, I love you more than my dad.

-I would die if you gave me a hug." PELTON: Hey, guys.

ALL: What?! PELTON: Oh.

This is Gupta Gupti Gupta.

Yeah, hi. Fine, whatever. Congratulations.

You guys okay?

To tell you the truth, we went through a rough patch.

Yeah, the dean was telling me about it and I've been reading about it.

Hope you were entertained.

To be honest, I'm really grateful.

[♪♪♪]

This is the first school in six months that hasn't cancelled.

So thanks.

I'm gonna go get ready.

We really did the right thing, didn't we?

Yeah. It doesn't matter what we read in the leaks or what we said to each other. What matters is that right now, here on this campus, the people are in charge.

Not the hackers, not the media, not the cops, the people.

Abed, go put on some music.

Elroy, Jeff, put out some more chairs.

Annie, get ready to introduce our star. Chang, go talk to yourself in the corner.

Frankie, let the people in.

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

-Hey. -Hi.

-Hey. -Hey, Neil.

Hey.

-That's the whole audience? -I...

I can't do a show for one person.

Well, you kind of have to.

But I'd rather not.

You have to, because there's more at stake here than what you'd rather do.

[CELL PHONE BUZZING]

Oh, God. There's a new message from the hackers.

Everyone quiet down. Abed, cut the music.

"Greendale, your Activities Committee has defied our demands, and the horrible racist comedian is still about to perform."

Yeah, right, we beat you.

"If this performance goes on as scheduled, all of your information will be published.

If you do not want this to happen, you will find a way to stop this performance."

-Whoa, stop, stop, hey! -Sit down, Neil.

You can stop me, but you can't stop the people from stopping the show.

Shh.

[PEOPLE CLAMORING]

You hear that?

[CLAMORING GROWS LOUDER]

Oh, my God, it's the people coming to stop the show.

Now what do we do?

We have to stop the people. Their freedom of speech depends on it.

Frankie, Chang, bar the doors. Annie, introduce him, quick.

ANNIE: Oh!

[CLAMORING]

I don't wanna do this.

Listen, you piece of crap. We've been to hell and back for you.

Get up there and do your stupid act for freedom.

Okay. Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, he's performed at colleges and clubs all over,

Gupta Gupti Gupta!

No.

Hey, y'all. Uh--

Hey, look, I see there's a lot of Jews in the crowd.

I mean, you know, there isn't, but, usually, when I do my act there's more, but--

You know I have a whole Jew thing, right?

Do it.

Okay, okay, who's this guy?

Stop performing.

Do not stop performing.

Um-- Okay, this guy.

Look at him, it looks like he ate so much, he's very fat.

-Don't do this to me. -Shut up and listen.

I see you're fat, but are you also black or Jewish?

You know, it's hard to be fat when you're black or Jewish.

Because when you're black, your community steals all your food, so you can't eat as much. Heh-heh.

And when you're Jewish, nobody ever buys anything, so you can't eat as much.

[LAUGHS]

You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. Heh-heh-heh.

[SIGHS THEN CELL PHONE BUZZES]

Oh, dear God.

The bastards did it.

They leaked the entire school's data.

[CLAMORING STOPS]

[♪♪♪]

[CROWD SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Okay, so, hey, fat guy in the audience, have you found anyone else you could love,

-like another fat person, -Oh, no. or are you one of those fat people who will always be alone?

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Leonard, you enjoy my girlfriend in 2009?

As much as she enjoyed

-your plagiarized poetry. -I will kill you!

MAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't act like you care about me! I've seen all your cartoons about me!

I am this school's worst nightmare!

I am a Garrett with no soul left to steal! Aah!

Man, it's like Road Warrior out there, but if petrol were privacy and bad teeth were dirty secrets.

Good news, Neil's talking to us again.

He respects our moral position, not our execution, never talking to us again.

I don't see how we can bounce back from this one.

-This one? ABED: Yeah.

The e-mail hack is the third installment of a trilogy of revealed secrets that began with Annie losing a pen, in what I call the golden age.

The second chapter would be when your best friend vanished after the older one masturbated himself to death?

If that's one you guys bounced back from, we might be okay.

What's the lesson here?

I always wanna make sure I know what the lesson is.

I'm a completist.

Rest of the school's in shambles, so maybe we're more evolved

-and forgiving than them? -We already know that, stupid.

I feel more desensitized to jokes about Jews and blacks, is that good?

-Say what? -Eh...

Pieces are privacy, freedom of speech, terrorism and government.

An ironic pairing, like one man's privacy is another man's freedom.

Government is terrorism?

The only free speech is private speech.

A free government terrorizes privacy. That's all four, bitches.

-Terror is terrorized by... -Terry the Terrorist?

Tarry not, for terrorism terrifies.

ANNIE: Govern the government.

CHANG: Freedom of speech... JEFF: How about terrorism...?

BRITTA: Terrorism... JEFF: Guys...

ANNIE: Terry the Terrorist. FRANKIE: Govern the government.

CACKOWSKI: We caught the hacker.

This is Ryan, a.k.a. String Cheese Hustler, a.k.a. Fart Mitzvah,

SkullandBoners88, Frozen Sucked, Captain Titty.

You don't need to know all his names.

He lives across the street, and he's got something he wants to say. Don't you?

-I'm sorry. -For what?

For guessing your school master password was "change me."

Oops.

How do you sleep at night, Warburton?

You were one of us. You were free.

No one's free when they're one of anything.

And to answer your question, I sleep alone with one eye open.

That's why I'm not the one in cuffs.

Let's go, Fart Mitzvah.

Crime doesn't pay.

ALL: Crime doesn't pay.

-Crime doesn't pay. -Crime doesn't pay.

[ALL LAUGHING]

ANNIE: Right. FRANKIE: That's right.

[ALL SIGH]

[♪♪♪]

I'm sorry if I used photography to digitally approximate some of your naked bodies.

It's all right.

-It is? -No!

CACKOWSKI: Anything? -Same as yesterday.

Big cloud of data raining over a pasture.

All 8 billion sheep keep grazing.

Is that good?

Sure.

That thing you said back there about not being a part of anything, is that really how you feel?

It's not a question of how I feel.

I feel like flying, I don't jump off buildings.

Do you believe in God, Warburton?

There's no rule that says we have to be friends, right?

Common courtesy, familiar with that rule?

The words "common" and "courtesy" have opposite values.

Common courtesy's just gibberish.

Hocus pocus.

A spell we cast when hoping to cheat reality.

You're a cynical son of a bitch, I'll give you that.

-My wife, she makes dream catchers-- -Shh. Shut the hell up.

Can you get us to the mainframe hard line?

Yankee doodle dandy.

[SIREN WAILING]

[♪♪♪]