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Modern Espionage

♪ From the marble steps of ol' D.C. ♪

♪ To the sun-soaked Tampa coast ♪

♪ I have been to every place Where you can find a human race ♪

♪ But I have been Vicki the most ♪♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

I'm gonna go get a shovel, because theater is dead.

Shh.

[WHISTLING]

-Hi, Star-Burns. -Oh! Todd.

You know you don't have to creep around to be weird, right?

You're weird at picnics.

Did you hear about the paintball game?

I heard there was no paintball. I heard it's banned.

Well, you can't believe everything you hear.

Okay, you just asked if I heard something, and now you're invalidating the whole--

[GRUNTING]

[CAR ALARMS WAILING]

VICKI: ♪ Rainbows, pillows, cupcakes, angels ♪

♪ London, horses, mittens, cocoa ♪

♪ Vicki, dear, sweet Vicki I won't be home tonight ♪

♪ Vicki, you deserve more than this ♪

♪ More than this I'll give you diamonds and starlight ♪

♪ Starlight, but I'm dead ♪♪

[CAR ALARMS WAILING]

[GRUNTS]

Do you know why I beat you, Todd?

Seriously? You don't? Because I don't either, that was insane.

I'm 50 here.

I think I could win this year. I think I could go all the way.

MAN: Actually, you'll be settling for silver.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Names. You give me names or you're expelled, that simple.

{\an8}I told you, I don't know nothing about no secret paintball games.

This is from huffing paint, I swear.

Escort Alex Osbourne off campus.

{\an8}Hey, hey, hold your horse panties. You didn't tell me you knew my name.

{\an8}Look, I was about to take Todd out and then we both got shot.

{\an8}The guy was invisible, a ghost. Uses silver paint.

-A ghost. So no name? -I'd call him Silver Ghost,

{\an8}but that's probably already taken by an indie comic book or a terrible tequila.

Bye forever, Star-Burns.

No, no. No, no, no.

{\an8}-Frankie. -I respect that you are my boss,

{\an8}so either fire me or let me handle this, and go to your office.

{\an8}I wanna give your paintball friends a message, Jeff.

{\an8}-Good morning. -This era is over.

{\an8}It was fun while it lasted, but now Mommy's home.

{\an8}Everybody with a gun will be expelled or fired.

{\an8}Don't worry, my boys and I will get this cleaned up in no time.

Thank you. Jeff do you know Deputy Custodian Lapari?

{\an8}We haven't had the pleasure.

{\an8}Mr. Winger's caused me nothing but pain over the years with his paintballing.

-I'm sorry. I quit that, that's behind me. -Sure it is.

{\an8}Handling turds has rubbed off on him.

Lapari is gonna be honored this week at the Gala for a Cleaner Greendale.

-I'd like you to introduce him. -Why would I?

You're the de facto leader of Greendale.

If you gave a speech coming out against paintball, it might end it.

No, no, just because I'm not playing doesn't mean I'm the weenie that tells people not to.

Please? If not for Greendale, then for me?

[SIGHS]

I'll think about it.

[♪♪♪]

CHANG: I was a different guy back then. -Never mind.

Well, Frankie's upset.

Did she break up with someone? Which gender?

-I don't care, but everybody else does. -She's upset about paintball.

-Paint? Ball? -Occasionally our campus erupts into a postmodern homage to action-adventure mythology mischaracterized by the ignorant as parody.

Apparently, now that Frankie's declared it illegal, it's gone underground and is still happening as we speak.

Maybe for freshmen.

But we've kind of done it to death, right?

Done it, nailed it. I won a few times, no?

-Who keeps track of that? Lame. -I'm thinking mostly about Frankie.

She's our friend and cares about this school.

I think it'd break her heart if she caught any of us undermining her goals.

Yeah, agreed.

Reasonable agreement. You're both right.

Meeting adjourned, I guess. This is good.

I'm glad we all agree not to do this.

It's gonna make it a lot easier for me to beat you.

What the hell?

[SOBBING] They killed me.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. -Don't do anything stupid.

-Do something stupid. ABED: I thought we weren't playing.

ANNIE: Is this an alliance? -Is it?

-What's paintball? -Cut the crap.

-Stop that. What are you doing? -Unh!

Go back to class.

STUDENT: Winger's playing paintball! -No, he's not.

Think about it or don't, but don't do it.

[♪♪♪]

[CLICKS]

-Unh! Unh! -Grow up.

-What are you doing? I'm not playing. -For a guy who's not playing,

-you're shooting a bunch of mothers. -That was instinct. I can't help being a bad-ass.

But I am not playing.

-Okay, so let's make this painless. -Take it easy.

-Leave her alone. -Knock it off, Frankie is coming.

What is important to you people?

[♪♪♪]

Jeff Winger shot me.

Do I use echolocation to navigate?

Why'd you ask that? You're not a bat.

Hello.

-Hi, Frankie. -Frankie.

Jeff, a student just passed by me and said you shot him, with paint.

Uh... Okay.

So you are definitely not playing paintball.

-No. -Frankie, I've been cool up until now, but I gotta tell you, I'm starting to get offended by your suspicion.

Well--

Well is a hole in the ground when you're thirsty.

I'm telling you, I ain't playing no paintball.

BRITTA: Bam! -Okay.

Take it easy, guys.

And for what it's worth, thank you for teaching me the cool new way to respond to people saying the word "well." Ha-ha.

-All right, guys. BRITTA: Bye, Franks.

-Bye, Frankie. -Take it easy.

-Bye. -See you.

[♪♪♪]

-Will you stop doing that? -Don't hate the player.

Colloquialisms aside, Annie's right. The thing to hate this year is the game.

Can I show you all something?

This game is being run anonymously through an online server, but who set it up?

They haven't left a clue, which is a big clue, because if they're this good--

BOTH: Why are they here? -Whoever's running this server

{\an8}is offering a cash prize to the winner, more evidence they don't go here.

And they seem to have their own man in the game.

You've heard about a mysterious player using silver paintballs.

Well, look at these IP addresses.

If that means what I think it means, we're dealing with gibberish.

BRITTA: Those are mine. -That's a student or teacher opening an encrypted tunnel to an off-campus site.

I do that all the time.

-I save it all for Saturday night. ABED: Right, no big deal.

Unless you always do it immediately before a player is taken out with silver paintballs by an unknown shooter.

And unless the IP address that you're connecting to is this one.

[ANNIE GASPS]

-Of course. -Who's the silver-paintballs guy?

Spy, assassin, mercenary, a bad person walking among us laughing, laughing quietly, then pretending he was looking at something funny.

PELTON: I suppose you all should be in trouble.

But desperate deans--

But--

But desperate--

But des--

But desperate deans calls for dean-sperate measures.

From here on out, you work for me.

Everything you're saying just proves my point.

That the only way to lose this game is to play it.

I say we do the honest thing and tell Frankie.

The school's playing and losing. Frankie included.

If we play to win, we not only take City College's money, we can expose Silver Ballz and City College and save Greendale.

-Which is basically saving Frankie. JEFF: So we lay low and try to find out who Silver Ballz is.

To be clear, we did not vote on that name.

Here's a name you don't have to vote on.

You just became the Secret Dean Force.

The Dean Boys. Task Force Dean.

His Dean's Secret People. I know the word "Dean" is in it.

Because when the politicians fail and the peace talks fall apart, when it seems like all is lost, and nobody really needs the dean anymore because Frankie's here, that's when you go in.

[VOICE BREAKING] The last bastion of a bygone era when people respected me.

[♪♪♪]

[SNIFFLES]

Dean Force. One.

If you're gonna hang around, we could use some water.

PELTON: On it.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]

"Club Club." The last club I thought I'd ever join.

JEFF: Your target is a small-time paintball munitions dealer.

All we know is he's a white male over 30, and his street name is Fun Dad.

All right, is everybody in this club ready to party the way they do in clubs?

[ALL CHEERING]

Connor, stop horsing around with Billy, and party.

The DJ might be the guy from MeowMeowBeenz.

JEFF: We need clean intelligence, Abed. No references, no callbacks.

MAN: Excuse me, good sir, if I could have the mic.

Attention, shoppers, there's a sale on partying in my pants aisle.

Everything in my pants must go.

Well, not everything, that doesn't-- You know what I--

-Koogler. -Aladdin.

I thought your name was Fun Dad.

-No... -That was easy. I need ammunition.

-Are you a narc? -Why would I answer honestly?

Good point. That's how most people answer, so...

It's a bad question. We just get so many narcs.

Don't forget, there's a sign-up sheet on the back wall for "Club Club" Club.

Listen, I'm so glad, Omar, that you're interested in paintball.

I have to tell you, no shooting in here.

The first rule of Club Club is that we are not a fight club.

The second rule is that if you're a hot lady, you have to have sex with me.

Then there's a bunch of rules that they've been adding because of the lawsuits based on that second rule, which I'm not allowed to call a rule, that was my screw-up.

Let me show you what I got here. These are Blue Travelers.

I think I've got some Sarcastic Mellow Yellows in here.

Those are great. And these are Green Meanies.

They explode on contact and they mark your target with paint.

That's every paintball.

You know your stuff. Why don't I give you a pro discount?

I'm thinking something more exotic. Something in silver?

Yeah.

Okay, great, I think that's a great idea.

If you wanna stay in the game, talk.

Okay, look, if you're a narc, you can't play, and if you're playing, I do accept sex for ammo. Heh.

Or beer, right? But not bitcoin.

I mean, I believe in it. I think I feel like I need it to stabilize.

Who is Silver Man?

My accountant? Well, how do you know David?

You know what I mean. Who buys silver ammo?

I can't. Look, if I tell you that, I'm pretendsies dead.

[BELL RINGING]

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

-Koogler? -They got him.

That's good.

Then he won't be needing this.

Koogler's thumb drive is actually a hardware encryption key.

Can it be unencrypted?

No, you use it to decrypt something encrypted.

A key with a lock on it.

I'll give our enemy this, they're clever.

Why did they pair us together?

Look, a message chain between Koogler and Silver Ballz.

Now, he's ordering a huge batch of ammo and stressing that he needs it before the gala.

-City College is-- -Oh!

City College is going to crash Frankie's gala.

ELROY: And here's where Silver Ballz decides on silver balls.

"Which color will look coolest against a navy-blue jumpsuit?"

Who wears a jumpsuit to a black-tie gala?

ELROY: The guest of honor.

Is your Internet not working? It's one photo. It's taking an hour.

You have keystrokes programmed to--? Eesh. That's dorky.

Looks like we'll be renting formal wear.

I'll measure Jeffrey.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Mr. Winger. You clean up nice.

-Oh, come on. I'm always good-looking. -Heh.

This seems ambitious.

{\an8}Well, the monorail is more symbolic of our potential than it is potential.

{\an8}And none of our buildings will ever be shaped like this.

But with a little work, this is how we could feel.

You should be proud.

Thank you, Jeff, for supporting this.

Why is that in your ear?

Oh, uh, I'm raising awareness of Armenian American stereotypes.

ABED: Bale to Belfry, let's check in.

Should stereotypes have their awareness raised?

Oh, good Lord, I'm questioning you again. Why?

Follow your bliss, sir. You've earned it.

Keaton to Belfry. I need us all to make sure we are very, very careful here.

Why don't you set a good example by keeping your mind on the mission...?

And your eyes on the prize.

Prize is secure, Keaton out.

West to Belfry, entrances secure.

Keaton to Kilmer, status?

Kilmer to Belfry.

I'm currently examining a spoon, only I'm not really examining it.

I'm using it as cover while watching a somewhat suspicious waiter.

PELTON: Voice of Diedrich Bader to Belfry.

I've checked the custodial wing for the third time. Can I join the mission now?

Negative, continue to check the custodial wing,

and then check the perimeter of the inside of your office.

Okay.

And for the record, I feel very vulnerable without a gun.

[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Ugh. Is that the only song that plays in this thing?

MAN 1: Hey there, dean. New custodian.

MAN 2: Dean. MAN 3: Dean.

MAN 4: Dean. MAN 5: Dean.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[BRITTA GASPS]

Clooney to Belfry, I've got a bogey with a gun.

Excuse me?

I wasn't talking to you. I was ordering dinner.

Yes, hello, can I get a bogey with a gun, no pickles and three orders of gun.

Damn it. Clooney slopped the bogey and now he's headed for the kitchen.

-Should we go? -We don't know it's our man.

Kilmer, Clooney, do nothing unless you can do it quietly and calmly.

[BOTH SHOUTING]

-What the hell? -Nothing.

-Are you ready? -Yes.

[WHISTLING]

BRITTA: Clooney to Kilmer. -What?

-Should I come in now? -No.

No, you can't ever come in, ever. You're sloppy.

-Excuse me, can I have a word with you? -About what?

Well, there's been some reports about a paintball game on campus.

Oh, you better believe the kitchen boys are playing.

And this year, we got a new winning strategy.

Let the idiots come to you.

Oh, really? Ha-ha-ha.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, Britta, you can come in now.

[PAINTBALL GUNSHOTS]

[YELLS]

[YELLS]

[ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[ELEVATOR THUDS]

-Aah! -Unh!

[GRUNTING]

I'm sorry.

[PELTON SQUEALING THEN PANTING]

[ELEVATOR MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING]

[GRUNTING]

JEFF: I stand before you, one of Greendale's biggest perpetrators of paint-related mayhem, and I am happy to say that those days are fully behind our school.

Looking back on those dark days, it's clear that the only heroes

were the janitors and the custodians

-left to clean up our messes. MAN: My rolls.

[PAINTBALL GUNSHOTS]

[GRUNTING]

Stop.

[SCREAMING]

So it is with great shame and poetic irony that I present the Custodial Innovation Award to Vice Custodian Lapari.

[CHUCKLES]

-What are you doing in there? -Jeff, focus.

-You all right? -Yes.

BRITTA: It wasn't our guy.

ELROY: The assassin is not in the kitchen, he's still at large.

And now let's all enact what I hope will become a yearly tradition:

-The popping of the balloons. -What?

[♪♪♪]

[BALLOONS POPPING]

Stay calm. Check your zones.

[♪♪♪]

-Who's that? -Where?

ABED: Where? ANNIE: I don't see anything.

There.

[LAUGHING]

[CROWD GASPING]

I'm sorry.

[♪♪♪]

[CROWD MURMURING]

[PANTING]

It's the custodians.

Greendale's custodial staff is running the underground paintball tournament.

Probably with City College money.

The people that clean Greendale don't want a cleaner Greendale.

They want Greendale to be afraid of itself and reliant on them.

[CROWD GASPING]

Oh, what an exciting story. We've got a real-life M. Night "Shyamala-yan" here.

ABED: It's "Shyamalan."

Unfortunately, as with his stories, I don't anticipate yours holding up.

ABED: Easy target. -Who's heckling me?

Oh, of course, it's the Indian guy.

-I'm Arabic. -Gah.

Okay, let's go with that.

Anyway, you know what goes great with crazy stories? Evidence.

You're the evidence. Come back to our side and tell the truth so City College can be exposed.

Or I could leave and get a job at City College, where their payphones aren't only herpe-free, they're actually removed.

You think City College will take you if you lose their paintball prize money?

PELTON: I don't know how many men you have left, but if you're leaving this room, it needs to be a small army.

[GROANS]

Okay, I agree.

[CUSTODIANS YELLING]

[PAINTBALL GUNSHOTS]

No!

MAN: Look out!

[PEOPLE GRUNTING AND YELLING]

-Oh. -Unh!

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

-No! -No!

[CLICKING]

JEFF: Damn it.

-We're the last ones left? -Cover me.

Dreams do come true.

[♪♪♪]

[PELTON SQUEALS]

Okay, we got him. He went into a supply closet.

I know, I guess to a custodian, a supply closet is like a location.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I'm relieved. I thought this was gonna be a whole gauntlet.

My heart was not in it.

I mean, I shot a disabled kid. I can't do this anymore.

-What are you looking at? -This isn't a closet.

{\an8}LAPARI [ON SPEAKER]: It's really nice of you guys to visit.

Not that you ever would have done it intentionally.

[AIR HISSING]

Your steamy pipes can't stop us.

Well, it would be a pretty bad museum exhibit if it could.

Give it up, Lapari.

Hey, dean, I have a microphone, you have a beer, God has a plan.

I have a beer?

It's an old stand-up line for using on hecklers. Keep moving.

Did you do stand-up?

Is that how you became a custodian?

Listen, man, I was there in the '90s,

I did a few open-mic nights, saw what karaoke did.

It wasn't cool, man.

We're not so different, you and I, dean.

Don't you see we're both in the same situation?

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

[♪♪♪]

Screw it. Shoot them all. One of them is him. Shoot every single one.

-He's not back here. -Okay, reload.

There must be a mop jousting bridge over sawdust canyon.

We're both dinosaurs roaring in vain at the mammals.

What'd you think was gonna happen when you let Frankie Dart into our world?

How much more clean can she make this school before she notices the dirtiest thing of all about it?

You think I'm a villain, but I'm not.

I'm defending a place where we all get to be our own heroes.

We're all here because none of us can have nice things. Aah!

I thought you guys were mannequins. What a backfire.

Is the money real? No matter who wins?

Dean, what are you doing?

What are you thinking about?

I don't know, I don't know.

He's right, Jeffrey. A cleaner Greendale?

-It's like a healthier cigarette. -Yes, a carrot stick.

-Frankie can make us a carrot stick. -We're tobacco.

No, we are not tobacco. We're Robert Downey Jr.

He was so high, he was crawling into people's windows. Now he's Iron Man.

We self-destruct like this because we'd rather be heroes and villains than just kind of sucky people that need to work at getting less sucky.

She will forgive us.

I know her, I like her, and if she fires either of you, I'll quit.

She's not the enemy, she can help us, we just have to cool it.

It's true, what he said.

If you guys lower your guns, I'm not gonna throw you a party, but I'm not gonna get anyone fired either.

I'll see you Monday. Idiots.

-So who wins, what do we--? -Okay.

On the count of three, we're gonna shoot ourselves in the foot.

One, two...

[ALL GROANING]

[WHIMPERING]

[♪♪♪]

I'll see you guys on Monday.

And the pope looks at the giraffe and says:

"I'm in the room..." Sorry, I can't remember the whole joke.

It's okay. It sounds very funny based on the last line.

Frankie's gonna be here soon. Get ready.

We're not still doing this, are we?

We promised every day for a week. Do you want her to quit?

-Good morning, everyone. ALL: Waah.

So where did we leave off last time? Yes, sir?

"I like big trucks. I saw a fire truck today."

Interesting. Anyone care to comment? Elroy?

I made a stinky.

Worth considering. Next item.

-How do you pronounce "ba-sketty"? -Spaghetti. What else?

-Can we go to the zoo? -That raises a very important point.

We can do anything we want, if--

And this is very important. If we grow up.

-All in favor? ALL: Waah.

GARRETT: Then she starts singing about all the places she's been.

Which, by the way, seems to be a total of two, one of which is old D.C.

Old D.C. Heh.

Okay, fine, Vicki. You're a music major, not a history major.

And the whole mother thing. The two big feathers in her cap are that she hasn't let anything change her, a triumph she shares with most animals and all dirt, and the fact that her mother died.

Which is like the one thing all mothers do.

I mean, was she a good mother, did she collect stamps, did she race cars?

We don't know. We don't know her name.

If you asked Vicki the color of her mother's eyes, she would say, "Dead."

Or maybe she'd say, "Seven dollars a seat."

[ALL LAUGHING]

Damn, man, I am telling you, nobody is safe. Nobody is safe.

VICKI: Blue.

They were a very pale shade of blue.

I'm sorry my show didn't honor her memory properly.

I'll try to make it up to you.

Actually, we both will, at the premiere of our new show.

[IN UNISON] Vicki and Garrett.

And let's have a hand for Vicki's mother, everybody.

Yeah, stand up, Connie. Vicki's mother. Vicki's mother.

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

We'd rather you boo, it means you felt something.

That's right, you can boo.

-Andy Kaufman loved booing. -Mm-hm.

[BOOING CONTINUES]

Then again, we did put a fair share of work into this.

You don't have to be dicks.

[♪♪♪]