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Wedding Videography

JEFF: Abed.

-What are you doing? ABED: Freelancing.

You're not a spy for the city, are you?

They have footage of my classroom and pronounced me no worse than the teachers that work hard.

ABED: Can't say who I'm working for. It's a surprise.

Well, don't get in the way.

You know the rules. Sooner you ignore me, sooner I stop being a factor.

All right, people. Yesterday...

I wrote the word "law" on the board.

This time, don't erase it. And maybe tomorrow we'll get even further.

Now, I'm told Garrett has prepared a presentation for extra credit?

By the way, everyone gets the credit, because I'm not sure how much to encourage this. Go ahead.

Thank you.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

My presentation is about marriage law.

This is me, Garrett.

I'm in your class.

This is Stacy.

She is in our class as well.

This is what I want.

Oh, Garrett.

Stacy... will you marry me?

[STUDENTS GASP]

Yes. Yes, Garrett. Yes, I will.

Oh, Garrett.

STACY: Garrett and I have been seeing each other for 16 months, two weeks and four days.

We met at the school store, Pencils N' Such.

He said he was there for the such.

I remember I was sweating a lot and breathing heavy.

My heart felt like it was going to burst in my chest.

The day I met Stacy, those symptoms actually declined.

Are you quite done?

ABED: Yeah. Garrett wanted the proposal recorded.

-Thought his family might want proof. -Now what are you shooting?

ABED: You had a strange look on your face.

-You're noticing faces now? -Mm-hm.

Aren't you still smelling hair to tell Frankie from Annie?

ABED: Yeah. -Well, it's official.

I'm getting laid.

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

{\an8}♪ Give me some rope Tie me to dream ♪

{\an8}♪ Give me the hope To run out of steam ♪

{\an8}♪ Somebody said It can be here ♪

{\an8}♪ We could be roped up, tied up Dead in a year ♪

{\an8}♪ I can't count the reasons I should stay ♪

♪ One by one They all just fade away ♪♪

What are you doing?

Stop.

Hey, stop.

If you don't put that silly thing away,

I swear, I'm gonna stop loving you.

Oh, that's it.

[GIGGLES]

Happy birthday.

BRITTA: What are you two doing?

ABED: We're doing Annie's missing-lover footage.

{\an8}You know in movies where the hero's wife or girlfriend is dead or missing?

{\an8}So he sits in the dark and he watches her in a home movie--

{\an8}ABED: Or a hologram. -Or hologram.

{\an8}--over and over, she's always beautiful, full of love to the point of being stupid?

We're making that for me in case I get kidnapped or murdered.

{\an8}Super healthy, guys.

{\an8}The health department called, they don't want anything back.

ABED: Britta, don't look at the camera. ANNIE: Heh-heh.

ABED: Okay, look at the camera.

{\an8}Today's Garrett's wedding.

{\an8}For those who don't know Garrett, he's a guy we don't really know

{\an8}that we've known for six years at school. The funny-looking guy.

{\an8}ANNIE: Britta, mean.

{\an8}Sorry.

{\an8}The eccentric-looking guy?

{\an8}[IN SQUEAKY VOICE] "What's happening? Everything's going wrong!"

{\an8}[IN NORMAL VOICE] That guy.

{\an8}ANNIE: Remember we said we were cleaning?

{\an8}Remember about Abed's documentary?

ANNIE: His documentary is about what we're doing. And we're cleaning.

Yeah, but if we're both cleaning, then there's nobody to explain why.

She doesn't understand filmmaking. I lived in New York.

What else should we talk about?

We've volunteered our apartment as a staging area where our friends can get ready. And keep each other on time.

[BRITTA GAGS]

The thing to understand about our friends is that "friends" isn't an adequate label.

We're an intensely, intimately bonded crew.

BRITTA: Oh, I can't. No, no.

Do you want flashy and forward

-or cherry and classic? -Do you have black?

[ANNIE SIGHS]

That's a no. That beleaguered sigh means, "No, I can't have black nails."

ABED: Don't look at the camera. -You absolutely can.

And we all will when our bodies decompose.

ABED: Don't "Jim" the camera like that. -"Jim the camera"?

The color black hasn't had anything to do with death or edginess since '89.

-My accountant has black nails. -Your what?

Don't jump on that. My accountant. Figure of speech.

It's a form of speech called making things up.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-Abed, can you get that? ABED: I can film you getting it.

BRITTA: It's open. -Is it?

I don't know, let's see.

-Frankie! ANNIE: Oh!

So I didn't put on my wedding clothes, like you said.

So we can get dressed together and be girls together.

This is gonna be fun.

Annie and Britta told me to come over and get ready with them for Garrett's wedding. I didn't say no.

Who says no to something like that?

A cold, off-putting, incompatible person.

The kind of person that turns a sleepover into a stoning.

I had, um, rocks thrown at me.

Biblical, igneous, jagged, hateful, pointy ninja rocks, and that's not gonna happen again.

What have you been up to?

I think you already asked that.

-Did you answer? FRANKIE: Didn't I?

-I think I did. BRITTA: I don't think you did.

Oh, that's not like me.

Well, maybe you're nervous.

No.

No.

Why don't we just say that if you did answer, we forgot?

-So we're asking again. FRANKIE: Oh.

I have been working. Um...

And I've been tending to my personal affairs.

Mm...

My, uh-- I don't know if mentioned, one of my sisters is, well, you know, one of them is deceased.

And the other is...

[CLEARING THROAT] mentally retarded.

JEFF: Panty raid! Ha-ha-ha. BRITTA & ANNIE: Oh!

JEFF: When I say, "drink," you say, "now."

-Drink. Drink. ALL: Now. Now.

JEFF: When I say, "drink," you say, "now."

-Drink! ALL: Now!

JEFF: Drink! ALL: Now!

[ALL LAUGHING]

What are you guys doing? We gotta go. The wedding starts in 40 minutes.

ANNIE: Oh! -Oh! We padded the time.

We lied to you because we knew you'd be late, so we lied to you about the time.

-Yes! ALL: Aah!

JEFF: You don't need perfect people to make a perfect team.

You need people whose flaws feed into each other.

It's, uh... What do you call it? Um...

-Co-dependence. -Synergy.

For instance, something Britta hates doing but Annie loves doing.

Or something that Annie hates doing, but she does it anyways because what she really loves is to feel useful.

You literally just defined co-dependence.

Here's to synergy.

-Oh, look at you, you little helper. ANNIE: Oh!

ELROY: Okay.

Do you, Garrett, take Jack Nicholson to be your lawfully-wedded wife?

-[IN SQUEAKY VOICE] I do. ALL: Ha-ha-ha.

-[IN GRAVELLY VOICE] I do, Johnny. ALL: Yeah!

ANNIE [IN NORMAL VOICE]: We invented a new game.

Celebrity Garrett Marriage.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Christian Slater to be your lawfully-wedded wife.

[IN SQUEAKY VOICE] I do.

-[IN SLIGHTLY GRAVELLY VOICE] I do. ALL: Boo.

ANNIE: He's playing Nicholson. CHANG [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Listen to him.

BRITTA: We were genius to pad the time margin.

We have three more hours to play.

-Okay. Do you, Garrett, -Mm-hm. take Aubrey Plaza to be your wife?

[IN SQUEAKY VOICE] I do.

-[IN DEADPAN VOICE] I do. -Heh-heh-heh.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Wait, what do you mean, three more hours?

How is that even possible?

-What time is the wedding? -[IN NORMAL VOICE] Wait, what time is it now?

-We're late! -We're late!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

-What? -We'll drive together.

-We are not. -It's been settled.

JEFF: Nothing was settled.

[GRUNTING]

They left me home alone.

I'm home alone!

ABED: Well, not really. -What?

What the hell are you doing? Come on. Let's go, go, go!

CHANG: Okay. JEFF: Jeez.

-Abed, you too. Come on. ABED: Oh, yeah.

We are here to witness the union of Garrett and Stacy in the eyes of--

Well, in the eyes of whatever power you choose.

Personally, I find the notion of choosing to be needlessly limited.

What if I'm capable of total contradiction?

What if science and religion were mine to wield as I choose?

What if I'm God?

What if I'm...

God?

It is likely that I am not.

But I think it's totally out of line to take that possibility off of the table.

Now, I understand that vows have been written.

Stacy, when I first saw you, looking at you made me feel good.

Touching you felt better.

And knowing you made me realize that without you,

I am incomplete.

-I know I look pretty complete. MAN: Heh-heh-heh.

Somebody over there laughed at that the wrong way.

You are my body and my soul.

You are my favorite video game.

JEFF: Guys. Come on. Guys. Guys. Guys.

-Everybody's looking at us. -Shh!

-Your "shh" was louder than what I said. -Shh.

BRITTA: Shh! ALL: Shh!

Welcome.

Everyone back there, you're welcome. Please join us.

Any of those people could be God.

ANNIE: Over there? BRITTA: Yeah.

[CHANG GRUNTS AND CROWD GASPS]

Garrett, since we met, you have felt so familiar.

I love making sandwiches with you.

I love folding towels with you.

I love giving you your painkillers at the end of the day.

ALL: Aww.

Well, that's-- Those aren't really vows.

-A list of things you love about me. -I'm so sorry.

-It's okay. TODD: Garrett, do you take Stacy to be your lawfully wedded wife?

-I do. STACY: Heh-heh-heh.

TODD: Stacy, do you take Garrett to be your lawfully wedded husband,

-to have and to hold, and to honor? -Yes. Yes, I do.

[CHAIR BREAKS AND CHANG GASPS]

[GIGGLING]

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. and Mrs. Garrett Lambert.

Garrett, you may kiss Mrs. Garrett.

[CROWD CHEERING AND JEFF LAUGHING]

[CHANG LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

BRITTA: Where the party at? Oh.

JEFF: Okay, let's endure this.

Are we nailing today or what?

Who would've thought Barrett's wedding would be the best day?

Definitely not Garrett, since his name's not Barrett.

-Oopsie. Me say wrong name. CHANG: Oh, racist.

-Oh, no, you a racist. -You guys are racist.

-Everyone from here to there is racist. ANNIE: Yeah.

[ALL LAUGHING]

BRITTA: Oh.

-Hi. -Having a good time?

ALL: Yes. -Are you Garrett's mom?

-I sure am. ALL: Aww.

I think you guys could maybe take a step back.

Gain a little perspective so you don't wreck the whole night for some wonderful people.

You came to a wedding in the middle of the vows through a bush.

I'm not Dr. Phil, but I don't want my son to kill himself. So do what you gotta do.

Yeah.

JEFF: Ooh...

-Holy crap. -What have we done?

Okay, we just got checked.

And it was pretty deserved.

We're not gonna stand here and lick our wounds either.

Jeff is right.

And that chipper, passive-aggressive lady, she's right too.

So let's spread out and--

Be the best wedding guests anyone has ever seen.

-Yes. -Not gonna overthink. Just gonna try it.

Yes, yes, yes.

-Hey. ANNIE: Mazel tov.

So a stranger walked over to our very proud group and smashed our pride into pieces with a hammer, which definitely felt like a disaster.

Then I started to pick up the pieces of our pride.

And, weirdly enough,

the first piece I picked up was my own pride, all of it.

It's like groups and people in groups can never be complete at the same time.

Does that make any sense?

No?

Well, that's your problem.

I love you, Abed.

Do I know how to be a good wedding guest?

Yes, I do. A little too well. That's the problem.

My name is Elroy Patashnik, and from 2006 to 2009,

I was addicted to encouraging white people.

All right.

Now, there's a man who knows his meatballs.

ELROY: It started as survival. -Thank you.

The tech industry in the '90s, this face, this voice...

They'll either help you or hold you back. So you tap the gas.

Because, well, why tap the brake?

Oh, you know.

You know what you're doing.

This man knows exactly what he's doing. Heh-heh-heh.

ELROY: I learned the cheat code.

White people like encouragement. It really doesn't matter what for.

Now, that's a container for liquid.

ELROY: Never felt like a sell-out.

I never laughed at anything unfunny, never said anything untrue.

The thing is... and this will sound racist,

white people are very discouraged, and very discouraging to each other.

Sweetie, you're getting meatball juice everywhere but your plate.

Doing better than you with your asparagus.

Oh, now, that's the way to handle a meatball. Heh-heh.

And look at you.

-Working that asparagus. STACY: Heh-heh.

So the day you start telling them, "Hey, just do what you're doing."

-I love you. -I love you.

ELROY: You feel like a superhero.

What's the danger? Why'd I stop?

Well... same as anything else that makes you feel good.

If you don't put a lid on it--

♪ Oh, look at these pants ♪

♪ He should keep on wearing ♪

♪ Keep on wearing his pants ♪♪

There's no lid.

Stacy has a 90-year-old Meemaw here.

I pushed her around the dance floor.

-I think she liked it. -No, that's Polly.

No, Great-aunt Polly is Garrett's side.

I haven't met her.

Oh, my God. Do you think she saw me pushing Meemaw, now she's wondering what's wrong with her?

-I'll be back. -Annie.

The world will still need you after you finish your cake.

-Am I that bad? -We have the same dragon.

Eventually, you will slay it, or train it, or dissolve in its stomach.

Its name is "helping others."

-If I train it, can I give it a cooler name? -If you do, you can do anything you want.

If you slay it, I don't know. I guess you get a new dragon named "Yourself."

-And then you'd be Jeff Winger. -Heh-heh. Yeah.

That guy needs help.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[ANNIE SIGHS]

What would you name your dragon? I think we need a list of dragon names.

Yeah.

"And then we need to get you away from Jeff," is what I wanted to say. But how is that my business?

You don't show these to people when you finish them?

ABED: No. -Okay, good. Heh.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING AND PEOPLE CHEERING]

So, then, why do you make them, again?

It relaxes me. It's like knitting, with less discipline.

Princess Fire Breath. Sir Pent.

Dr. Rachel Spinetail. Holly Hot Breath. Ugh.

Jimmy Talon. Christian Scale.

I got into a bit of a celebrity pun-barrel.

Carson Scaly, Jude Claw, Ariana Puffington.

Hi. Are these your biggest ice cubes?

No, you're boisterous. Where is my brother?

[BONES SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

JEFF: There has been a plot twist

in the story of our comeback as wedding guests.

Garrett's older brother, Bones, has relapsed during his weekend pass,

and will be unable to do the best man toast.

So I took Garrett's mom aside and told her, after our behavior today,

it was the least I could do for them.

And I'm not gonna Winger-speech it. This is a thing of substance.

We pooled all the inside info based on all the mingling,

and this toast is rocket-fueled selflessness.

And this wedding's going to regret the day it thought we'd make it about us.

Because we're about to be the first guests in history to out-toast the entire ******* wedding party.

God, I love my job.

Wait, this isn't my job. God, I love myself.

That was Stacy's first time.

But it's not gonna be her last time, right, Garrett?

So many classic toast errors.

A fire hydrant could follow this. Heh-heh.

And please, keep painting.

Don't let Garrett-- Don't-- Hey.

Don't let Garrett keep you from painting.

Okay, I'm done.

MAN: Okay. Stacy's friend Andi, everybody.

Next up, we have a replacement best man.

Garrett's friend from Greendale College, Jeffrey Winger.

There's a lot of things I can say about this couple.

They're both in my class at Greendale.

And like all my students, I give them until about June.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

No, you guys will be fine forever.

As long as Stacy never lets Andi babysit. Heh-heh-heh.

-Or go near a child. CROWD: Ha-ha-ha.

Or be in the same town as a pair of scissors.

-This girl's a wreck. CROWD: Ha-ha-ha.

-He's being too mean. -No, he's reading the room.

-Andi was a bummer. They needed this. JEFF: Two people merging their lives.

But that means two families are leaving here tonight as one.

That's a big deal.

Now, my friends and I came here tonight as outsiders.

But thanks to some good advice, we spent the night learning about these two clans of outsiders.

We learned that Garrett's Uncle Tony is a photographer.

Uncle Tony, did you know Stacy's friend Lawrence makes and sells frames?

Look each other up, get some business going.

Oh, and Garett's neighbor Dawn loves vintage cars.

Stacy's chiropractor Susan brought her dad, and guess what.

Her dad worked in an automobile factory in the '60s.

Yeah, I know.

These are the things you learn being the biggest jerks at a wedding.

Here's another golden nugget in the gravel.

Some of you have worked the dance floor with Garrett's divine Great-aunt Polly, 90 years young.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

And some of you chatted with Stacy's Meemaw.

Also 90 years young.

Now, I don't know if they've even met before tonight.

But we did learn that both of them were born in the same town, Sheridan, Wyoming.

Now, Garrett and Stacy, would you mind getting them both out here?

All right, yeah.

I know Aunt Polly's here.

Isn't she beautiful?

Okay, who has got eyes on Meemaw?

This is Meemaw.

Oh, this is Meemaw.

Okay, I feel like an idiot. I'm so, so sorry.

Garrett, where's Aunt Polly?

Okay. Uh...

Now I don't feel as stupid.

Because either someone here is lying, or this family's a lot closer than we thought.

Now... this is a man that knows how to marry his cousin.

[CROWD MURMURING]

TODD: Oh!

[CROWD MURMURING]

None of this would've happened if I wasn't trying to help.

None of this would've happened if I didn't help you with your helpfulness.

Don't torture yourself with that logic.

None of us would have met if Hitler hadn't been born.

Also, none of Britta's arguments would have a default analogy.

-Excuse me? -He's saying you go to Hitler a lot.

-What are you, Hitler, Hitler? -Britta, we're all the worst right now.

-Take a day off. -I did.

Between us ruining the ceremony and ruining the reception, when we were all just individual people, I wasn't the worst.

I'm only the worst with you guys.

-Me too. FRANKIE: Me too.

I was a good dean before you guys.

-You can't disprove it. -I relapsed because of you guys.

Oh, it's not a big deal. White people problems.

I like this group. I'm at my best when I'm with you guys.

JEFF: Well, that clinches it. Separate cabs? Separate cabs? Separate cabs?

GARRETT: Hi.

For those still with us, we won't be cutting the cake or dancing.

I believe there was a guy in a Homer Simpson costume that was gonna surprise me. That won't be necessary.

Drive safe. And thank you for coming.

What are you going to do?

GROUP: Chang.

-We're going home. -Are you gonna stay married?

GROUP: Chang.

We consulted with a lawyer, and it is legal in this state to marry your cousin.

But after talking to our family, we feel an annulment is warranted.

-What? No, screw that. No, no. ANNIE: Chang, get back here.

Screw you guys.

This family is so screwed up, you thought you were two different families.

Now that you know you're not, you can't wait to leave.

And you want this guy to do what? Forget he's in love?

For you?

You want him to take one for this crappy team?

MAN: Let him finish. -They were letting me finish.

MAN: I know. I was being sarcastic. -Okay, you know--

Garrett, who loves you here more than Stacy?

-Nobody. -Stacy...

-is it your fault Garrett's your cousin? -No.

Is anyone here going to make less fun of these two?

Or be better friends to them, no matter what they do?

ALL: No.

It's you against the world, and you will not win.

But you get to make your moves, not them.

Stacy?

-Will you be my legally incestuous wife? -Yes.

Everyone stay and eat cake, or go to hell!

[ALL CHEERING]

ELROY: Yeah. Way to go, buddy. BRITTA: Make it last, baby.

-I did it, I did it. This is about me. ELROY: Ha-ha-ha.

CHANG: I didn't think I could do it, but I did.

[ALL CHEERING]

Smile! Smile! Garrett, look up.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

ABED: Ugh. So much Jim-ing.

Wow, what an episode of Community.

Hi, I'm Briggs Hatton, credited author of this week's episode.

You might have noticed an emphasis on the topic of incest.

Well, that's no accident.

For the past two years, when not serving as writer's assistant on Community,

I've researched incest on the Internet. What I found surprised me.

Did you know first cousins can have children without great risk of birth defect or disease?

That's a quote directly from The New York Times, April 4th, 2002.

Despite this fact, state laws on incest remain inconsistent and outdated.

I mean, I can make love to my cousin in Nebraska.

If I take her on a date in South Dakota, I'm looking at 15 years prison time.

I told the Community writers, "Attention must be paid."

They said they'd allow me to address it on one condition.

At the end of the episode, I must appear and identify myself as writer.

Look, I'm not trying to tell you how to feel about incest.

I'm just letting you know there's more to it than you've been told.

I'm Briggs Hatton.

I wrote the Community season six incest episode.

Good night.

[♪♪♪]