Home > Derry Girls

Season Season 1, Episode 1

["Dreams" by The Cranberries]

[Orla] "My name is Erin Quinn.

I'm 16 years old, and I come from a place called 'Derry',

or Londonderry, depending on your persuasion,

a troubled little corner in the northwest of Ireland.

It's fair to say I have a somewhat

complicated relationship with my hometown.

You see, the thing about living in Derry is, there's nowhere to hide.

Everybody knows everybody, knows everything about everybody, and sometimes all I really want... is to be simply left alone."

Is that my diary?

["Dreams" resumes]

[Erin] She's gone too far this time, Mammy.

I mean, what next? Will I catch her trying on my knickers?

Don't say "knickers" in front of your father. He can't cope.

[Erin] Aye, he can cope.

Sure, what's a pair of knickers between cousins?

-Less of the knickers. -[coos]

I won't put up with it anymore. Teenagers have rights now, you know.

-Don't be ridiculous. -They do, Ma. It's true.

Sure, Macaulay Culkin might be divorcing his parents.

Do you hear this? This'll be someone she met at that stupid summer scheme you insisted we send her on.

Her bloody friends across the barricades thing.

I have nothing against Protestants.

I'm all for integration, I am.

But if they're letting their wains divorce them...

Macaulay Culkin isn't a Protestant, Ma.

-It's only gonna give our wains ideas. -Well, he might be.

I didn't meet him at Friends Across the Barricades.

I don't care where you met him. You're not to see him again, understood?

-Fine. -[Joe] Look at this.

They're bombing the bridge, apparently.

No.

[man reporting] Suspicions were raised when a hijacked van--

Oh, dear God, no.

Does this mean they can't get to school?

I've had a whole summer of it, Gerry.

She's melting my head.

Their bus can go the long way around.

-[knock at door] -[Ma Mary] I'll get it.

Major traffic disruptions are anticipated...

The wains shouldn't have to take the bus to school.

[door closes]

You should be driving them, you useless shite.

-I have to work, Joe. -Work? [chuckles]

-Is that what you call it? -Yes.

Why don't you just leave my Mary alone?

Because we've been married for 17 years, Joe.

We have two children.

And because we're in love with each other.

Oh, boke.

I'll find some dirt on you yet, boy.

I've got people working on it.

-God, Mammy. You're up early. -So are you.

You should be having a lie in, love. You're on your holidays.

-First day of term, Sarah? -Is it, aye?

[Mary] It is, aye.

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not enjoying this bomb.

-[Joe] Shocking. -[Mary] Desperate.

Disgusting and disgraceful.

I have an appointment in Tropicana at 12:00.

Fifteen minutes in this stand up.

But sure I'll not get over the bridge at this rate.

It's going to play havoc with my build-up.

This is what they want.

They want ordinary people to suffer.

This is what it's all about.

I'm pretty sure interfering with your sunbed sessions isn't very high up on anyone's political agenda, Aunt Sarah.

I wouldn't be so sure.

We'd better head.

Hey, what do you think you're playing at? Where's your blazer?

I've decided to put my own spin on the uniform this year.

I'll spin you across that floor. Get your blazer on.

Look, Mammy, I'm not a clone.

I should be allowed to express my individuality.

I'm sorry, I'm not wearing my blazer. End of story.

Gerry, pass me the wooden spoon.

[rap music plays]

What's all this? I thought we were going to be individuals this year.

Look, I wanted to, Clare, but my ma wouldn't let me.

Well, I'm not being individual on my own.

♪ Wind it up! ♪

♪ Derek B. he got the cuts you like ♪

[continues rapping, indistinct]

-[Erin] You're not getting anything? -I'm trying to do this fast for Ethiopia.

Christ's sake. What is it with you and Africa?

Will you sponsor me?

-How much? -Two pound.

Two pound? Catch yourself on.

What's happening over there is really lousy, Erin.

Father Conway showed us a video. There's this one wee fella, Kamal.

He's only ten, and every morning he walks 25 miles to the nearest well.

Does he just really enjoy wells, aye?

-Twenty-five miles? How far is that? -Far.

Like, how far are we talking? From here to Buncrana?

Further. It's more like from here to Ballybofey.

Shut up. From here to Ballybofey? Sure, you'd be knackered.

-Kamal is knackered. -Are you sure Kamal isn't exaggerating?

Stop slagging off Kamal. Kamal doesn't have it easy.

-Now, will you sponsor me or not? -Fine.

Ah! You touch them, you buy them.

That's the law.

I don't think that is the law.

If I say it's the law, it's the law, smart hole!

Right. It's just, I can't afford them anymore.

Have to give all my money to Kamal.

Who the fuck's Kamal?

He's a wee Ethiopian fella from Ballybofey, Dennis.

Do you want to sponsor me, Dennis?

Get out!

♪ Turn it up ♪

♪ Derek B he got the cuts you like ♪

[Erin] Good one, Geldoff.

Oh, my God. David.

David Donnelly.

Okay, just act normal.

[laughs]

No way. Are you serious?

What are you doing? Who are you talking to?

-Erin, have you got a light? -Me? No, I don't smoke.

[whispers] Why the hell do I not smoke?

I have one.

I don't smoke either.

I just like melting stuff.

Cool poster.

-Oh, do you think so? -[Erin] Yeah.

Really nice use of, you know, letters.

Thanks. You should come along tonight.

You're inviting me to your gig?

Yeah, well, all of you.

But you'd specifically like me to go. I mean, just so we're clear.

But Erin, Murder She Wrote's on tonight.

You never miss Murder She Wrote.

[whispers] Shut up.

-We're going to be late. -Yeah, kicks off at 6:00.

Sweet. Cool.

Maybe I'll see you there, then.

You're not seriously going to his concert?

Gig, Clare, it's called a "gig", and I have to go. He invited me specifically.

[Michelle] Motherfuckers!

"Motherfucker," it's my new thing.

Watched this film last night. My da got it off Pyro Pauline, and it's about these two lads, they wear these cracking suits, and rock about shooting people and eating cheeseburgers.

They're all, "motherfucker" this, "motherfucker" that.

It's got your man in it. What do you call him?

-The disco dancer from Look Who's Talking. -Who owns the fella?

Me.

Well, come on, then, ball-ache. Are you introducing yourself, or what?

Hi. I'm Michelle's cousin, James.

Why's he making that funny noise?

He's English, Orla. That's the way they talk.

He's my Auntie Kathy's wain. I told you about my Auntie Kathy.

She went to England years ago to have an abortion, never came back.

Never got the abortion, either. Lucky for you, James, eh? Ha!

I didn't actually know that.

-What did he say? -Nothing interesting.

What's he doing here?

Kathy's just got divorced, so she's moved back.

The husband caught her doing the dirt on him.

She's a bit of a goer, is our Kathy, riding rings around him, so she was.

-Isn't that right, James? -No, I mean here, at our bus stop.

Oh, he's going to our school.

But he's a fella.

An effeminate fella, but a fella all the same.

Everyone was shitting it about sending him to the boys' school.

They were worried lads would beat him up because--

-[all] He's English. -And you couldn't really blame them.

Our carriage awaits, motherfuckers.

["Pump It" by The Black Eyed Peas plays]

Avon.

Avon.

Avon.

We have a wee offer on there for hair removal cream, if you want to, with the...

-No? -There's no seats down here.

-Just move them wee dicks. -[Clare] What?

Why should we sit up the front? We're fifth years. They're fetuses.

Come on.

All right, shift your shirt holes, let's go.

Nobody move.

-You better do as I say, or-- -Or what?

-[Michelle] Or there'll be consequences. -Such as?

Well, we'll beat you up.

-[whispering] Wonderful. -Really, Michelle?

-Go on, then. -What?

Beat me up.

Well, not now.

After school. We'll beat you up after school.

Grand. I'll meet you after school and you can beat me up.

What's happening, exactly?

I'll bring my sister Mandy. You might know her.

Mandy O'Connell.

She's an upper sixth.

Big Mandy? Big Mandy is your sister?

-That's right. -[whispers] Retreat.

Listen, I think there's been a wee bit of a misunderstanding.

Thought you might say that.

Now fuck off.

Right. Will do.

Wasn't that all humiliating?

["Uncertain Smile" by The The plays]

[Erin] How long does this fast last?

Twenty-four hours.

So I still have... almost 23 hours to go.

Fuck me, not the Africans again.

Imagine being born there and not here. We don't know how lucky we are.

-Aye, fair dues. Derry has class. -[all] Aye.

♪ Peeling the skin back from my eyes ♪

♪ I felt surprised ♪

♪ That the time on the clock Was the time ♪

Everyone remain seated.

[officer radio chattering]

-What's going on? -I don't know.

But do you think if I told him I had an incendiary device down my knickers,

-he'd have a look? -Michelle, he's a soldier.

Ach, some of them are rides.

I'm willing to admit it, even if nobody else will, because I'm a beacon of truth, Erin.

You're a mouth, that's what you are.

[indistinct chatter]

[singsong] Hi, guys.

Could I just have a quick chat?

You must be new. I'm Jenny.

Great hair. Very bold.

I'd love to go that short, but, sure, I don't have the bone structure.

He's a fella, Jenny.

Oh, I see.

-Anyhoo... -[mocking] Anyhoo.

Seriously, shoot me in the face.

This is a bit awkward, but part of my role as prefect is welcoming the first-year students.

And it's come to my attention that there was some sort of an incident on the bus this morning.

There was no incident.

Apparently, you guys threatened one of the new girls.

Said you was going to beat her up.

-That's lies. -There were quite a few witnesses.

No, I mean, we said it, but as a joke.

As in, "We're going to beat you up," but, like, in a jokey way.

Right. Well, the thing is, that's not actually funny, is it?

Like, at all.

Well, humor is so subjective, really, so...

Now, the wee girl claims that she's not bothered,

-but reading between the lines... -Why are you reading between the lines?

I'm just not so sure that I believe her.

I don't want to report you guys.

Please don't report us, Jenny. We'll do anything. Anything at all.

Speak for yourself, sugar tits.

Think I'll just have to mull it over.

Ach, Jenny, mull this over.

Oh, I see.

Jesus, Michelle!

[Jenny] A new school can seem like a very scary place.

Do you think Big Mandy looks more schizo than usual?

[Jenny] But try to think of it this way.

Right now, you're like a little seed, and the school is like the soil: a safe and stable environment within which you can grow.

Wow, what a great way to look at it.

Thank you.

Thank you, girls.

Some lovely sentiments there.

Some very beautiful words.

Unfortunately, that's all they are: sentiments and words.

What you've just witnessed is a piece of fiction.

The reality, I'm sorry to say, is much harsher. Far more brutal.

So let me take this opportunity to advise all our new girls to keep their guard up.

Watch their back.

Oh, speaking of pupils who need to watch their back,

I'd like to introduce James Maguire.

Show yourself, please, James.

James will be the first ever boy to study here at Our Lady Immaculate College.

-[wolf whistle] -He to start at Christian Brother Boys, but there were concerns for his safety because, unfortunately,

-James happens to be English. -[laughter]

Let me make one thing clear: I will not have a repeat of the Mr. Mullin affair.

-Is that understood? -What's the Mr. Mullin affair?

Student teacher.

Two fourth-years cable-tied him to the monkey bars and started dry riding him.

He was really good-looking, so you've nothing to worry about.

[Sister Michael] Let us pray.

Father, Son, Holy Ghost...

-Please, Michelle. -No.

I have no interest in David Donnelly's spazzmo band.

-They look nice. -I can't go on my own.

-Are they nice? -Bring Bobby Sands.

[Clare] Sure, how could I go?

-I'm so weak I can barely walk. -What about Orla?

-Orla's... -I love my wee fingers.

Orla's mental. Come on, Michelle.

I'm begging you. It's my big chance with David.

I'd do it for you.

Fine! But we both know you're gonna sit in the corner like a frigid fuck.

I'm not frigid.

You've never even kissed a boy before.

You practice on your pillow sometimes, but you don't think that's the same.

The reading of the diary was bad enough.

I could do without the quoting it from memory.

Michelle, would you mind showing me where the toilet is?

You are really starting to do my head in, do you know that?

-[PA chimes] -[woman on PA] Will the following pupils

please report to Sister Michael's office immediately?

Erin Quinn, Orla McCool, Clare Devlin,

Michelle Mallon and the wee English fella. Thank you.

Wonder what could that be about?

It wasn't bullying. It was attempted bullying.

What if we get expelled?

Nobody ever actually gets expelled.

Wanda Gallagher hasn't been expelled, and she's in the IRA.

So that's probably why.

I can't find the boys' toilets anywhere.

It's an all-girls school, dick face. There are no boys' toilets.

So should I just use the girls' toilets?

No, you should not, you fucking pervert.

Girls, I really don't feel great. I feel sort of shaky.

I think my blood sugar is dangerously low.

Seriously, will you just have a Mars bar?

-What about Kamal? -Fuck Kamal.

Look, whatever happens in there, we have to stick together, okay?

We have to back each other up.

Ladies.

So it had nothing to do with me. Yes, okay, I was there.

I admit that. But I didn't do anything. It was Michelle.

It was all Michelle. I'm not going down for something I didn't do.

If anyone deserves to get punished, it should be Michelle.

Well, I think it's safe to say we all just lost a bit of respect for you there, Clare.

This is just so disappointing, girls. I mean, threatening a first-year...

We didn't threaten her. We're not stupid. Big Mandy is her sister,

-she's half fucking gorilla. -That's enough, Miss Mallon.

Aye. You shouldn't swear, Michelle, because when you swear,

Our Lady in heaven, she cries her tears and then make rain.

Isn't that right, Sister Michael?

-What age are you now, Orla? -Fifteen.

Yeah. You might want to think about wising up.

It was all just a misunderstanding.

I promise, Sister.

Is that right, Tina? Was it a misunderstanding?

Look, I didn't even report them.

I'm not a grass. I'm saying nothing.

Is that because you're intimidated by them?

[scoffs]

Oh, you were serious.

No, I'm not intimidated by them, Sister.

Okay.

Well, I see no need to take this matter any further, but if I ever get wind of something like this happening again...

Oh, you won't, Sister.

-Yeah? -Sister Michael, can I just quickly ask, um, since there's no male student toilets on the premises, am I permitted to use the staff ones?

Absolutely not. Now, I think you all owe Tina an apology, don't you?

[all] We're very sorry, Tina.

-And Tina, do you accept their apology? -[Tina] No.

You don't accept their apology?

Do I have to accept their apology, Sister?

-I don't suppose you do, no. -Then I don't.

I don't accept it.

I see.

Well, I need to draw a line under this somehow, so...

[ticking]

I cannot actually believe this.

I'm missing David Donnelly's gig, Michelle.

And all because of that miniature motherfucker.

I swear, if you say "motherfucker" one more time...

-What's wrong with you? -This is your fault.

Why is it my fault?

You're the one who threatened a first-year.

You're the one who gave Jenny Joyce the finger.

I'm desperate now. This is agony.

Can you please stop crying in my face for five fucking minutes, James?

[Clare] I feel awful.

My body is going into starvation mode. I think it's starting to shut down.

For Christ's sake, Clare. You've basically skipped lunch.

Orla, that better not be what I think it is.

You better not have brought my diary to school.

I had to. I'm doing my book report on it.

-Give it... to me! -No!

What's going on there, girls?

She has my diary, Sister, and she won't give it back.

I'll take that.

Sit down. Mr. Maguire, you have been warned.

Do not ask me again.

This is disgraceful.

I should have access to a lavatory. What about my civil rights?

Corner.

And you. Give that here.

-Ach, Sister-- -Now.

Shouldn't you put that in the confiscated box?

Quiet.

-Really? -[Michelle] What am I gonna do, Erin?

That color's been discontinued.

This is torture.

Michelle, I can't hold it in any longer.

What part of me not giving a flying fuck are you struggling with, exactly?

Oh, look, your boring fucking diary sent her to sleep.

I'm taking my lipstick back.

Michelle, you can't do that. It's stealing.

She stole it first.

Michelle, don't.

Oh, God.

Jesus, that's disgusting. Stop it.

That's English for you. Fucking savages.

Don't look at me like that, Erin. You'll get your two pound back.

But will you ever get your self-respect back, Clare?

Right, if I leave now, I might still catch David.

What if Sister Declan wakes up?

It's funny how she sleeps with her eyes wide open,

-isn't it? -What?

Sweet suffering Jehovah.

[James groans]

[urinating]

[clock chiming]

-[knock on door] -[Sister Michael] Enter.

Erin, what in God's name...

Did you kill that wee nun, girls?

[Erin] Of course we didn't.

Then why were you pissing on her dead body and making sandwiches?

Say nothing, girls. Say nothing till we've seen a lawyer.

If you could take a seat.

Sorry I'm late, Sister, couldn't get over the bridge. This bloody bomb.

I begged the Brits to let me take my chances, but the awkward bastards made me go the long way.

Health and Safety gone mad, Deidre.

What are you playing at, rifling through a dead nun's handbag?

-She stole my lipstick, Mammy. -[Deidre] Don't lie.

Sister Declan was a woman of God.

Actually, she was known to be a bit light-fingered.

Where's my mom, Auntie Deidre?

She's away back to London.

What, without me?

-Oh, dry your eyes, James. -[door opens]

Sorry to keep you waiting, Sister.

How long does it take to defuse a fecking bomb?

Sure, the wee robots do all the work.

-Oh, killing nuns now, is it? -I didn't, Daddy!

You wait until your mother hears about this.

Obviously, Sister Declan's death was extremely shocking and unexpected.

We're still struggling to understand what happened.

-Yeah? -[Erin] Can I just ask, what age was Sister Declan?

She'd have been 98 on Friday.

[Erin] Right.

Might that shed some light on the situation?

How so?

Does anybody else have any thoughts on the whole

"her being almost 98 years of age" thing?

Struck down in her prime.

The hospital are saying it was heart failure, but I have my doubts.

As I said on the phone, the circumstances in which I found her body were... strange, to say the least.

So I've decided to carry out a full investigation into the incident.

That makes sense.

What?

Nothing about this makes sense.

The woman was almost 98 years of age. She had a heart attack.

Why has everybody gone absolutely mental?

Less of the cheek, Erin.

We didn't do anything. It's not fair!

[Orla] "But the thing is, life isn't fair.

You see, injustice is something I have become accustomed to.

I am, after all, a child of the crossfire, surrounded by conflict.

But I choose to rise above it.

"The path to peace is paved with tolerance and understanding.

Violence is never the answer."

I am going to ram that so far up your arse!

["That Woman's Got Me Drinking" by Shane MacGowan plays]

♪ For seven long years ♪

♪ She helped me spend my dough ♪

♪ Now I take her out ♪

♪ But she don't want to know ♪

♪ That woman's got me drinking... ♪