Home > Derry Girls

Season Season 1, Episode 3

I just can't get my head around it.

The fact that he's gone... forever.

It's so sad, it really is. It is so, so sad.

But at the same time, what's done is done, so let's crack on.

Well, I'm sorry, Clare.

Has his sudden, tragic death interrupted your studies?

It has a bit, actually, yeah.

-How can you be so heartless? -Don't cry, Erin.

He's in a better place now.

Unless he's not, you know, because unless he's gone to hell.

Can we please talk about something else? I'm half torn. This is wrecking my head.

-What? Have you been drinking? -Yes, I have.

And for future reference, if any of you invite me to a study sleepover again, and I'm desperate enough to accept that invitation, there's a good chance I'll have a liter bottle of Pernod in my bag.

I shouldn't even have to sit the exam,

-on, you know, compassionate grounds. -He was a dog, Erin!

Toto was much more than a dog.

-[can hissing open] -Toto was my best friend.

Christ, I feel a bit bokey.

Sweet suffering Jesus. It's the morning already?! What are we going to do?

Maybe we could start with calming the fuck down.

Calm down?

We're still on William of Orange! We haven't so much looked at the famine!

We've got the gist. They ran out of spuds, everyone was raging.

Well, I can't tell my rebellions from my risings.

Whose fault's that? If your lot stopped invading us for five fucking minutes, there'd be a lot less to wade through, you English prick.

[Clare, panting] Nothing's going in.

Nothing is going in, and every time I try to make notes it...

[whispers] What's happening to me?

There's quite a lot of caffeine in those, Clare.

-How many of them have you had? -I don't know. Five? Twenty-three?

[laughs] We are all so fucked.

{\an8}[rock music]

Now, more bacon, anyone? Another sausage?

Wee omelet, maybe? Anything at all.

It's absolutely no bother.

-I'll have a cup of tea, Joe. -Make your own tea.

Yeah, I'll do that.

-You stay over, too, son? -Yes, I did. That's correct, sir.

What, in your room?

Have you nothing to say about this, you slack southern shite?

-Look, love, I know the fella's gay... -I'm not gay.

-...but gay or not, he's still a fella. -Who said I was gay?

There's still a good chance that he's a rapist.

-I mean no offense, son. -[door opens and closes]

-Well, that's that done. -God rest his wee soul.

Ach, don't talk to me.

I was in bits last night.

Didn't even manage my Chinese.

Poor Tonto.

Toto.

His name was Toto, Aunt Sarah.

Aye, nightmare, so it is. Da, do us a bacon butty, would you?

-My stomach thinks my throat's cut here. -Surely, love.

Jesus, the pets are getting it left, right and center at the minute.

-Maureen Malarkey's Tigger passed away. -[slams cooking pan]

We do not utter that woman's name in this house.

Ach, Da, not the bingo thing still.

She's a cheating old bitch.

How can you cheat at bingo, Granda?

Her nephew brought her this pen back from New Jersey.

It changes the numbers. I'm telling you, It's witchcraft, Mary.

We'll hear no more about the magic pen.

Now come on, girls, eat up. You'll need all your energy for the big exam.

[scoffs] We'll need a miracle for the big exam.

Mammy, what happened to Toto... it's just hit me so hard, and I'm worried it might affect my performance.

Come here, love.

Look, if you fail the exam, I promise you, there'll be a nice wee plot out there with your name on it.

[Erin] It's abuse.

That's what it is. It's abusive.

Does anybody have 10p? I'm ringing Childline.

[Michelle] You can't ring Childline every time your ma threatens to kill you, Erin.

Yeah, you can't waste Esther's time like that.

And anyway, you're not alone. We're all going to fail.

We're all going to get our holes kicked, and we are all in the same boat.

I don't want to be in that boat.

I want to be in a different boat, sailing down a totally different river.

Guys, all we can do is try our best.

-Ach, don't be such a fruit, James. -Oh, my God, look.

Doesn't that dog look like Toto?

I suppose it does a bit, yeah.

Looks exactly like him.

Here, boy!

Come here, boy! Here, boy!

Come here, boy! Here, boy! Come here!

Here, boy! Here, boy!

[Orla] What are we doing?

-[Michelle] Don't know. I'm still pished. -[Orla] Aye!

-[Clare] We're going to be late, Erin! -[Erin] But it's freaky.

Don't you think it's so freaky?

[Clare] No! It's just a dog that looks a bit like another dog.

-[Erin] Quick! Come on! -[church bell tolling]

Where did he go?

I don't really give a flying fuck.

Listen, you.

Yes, Mrs. Malarkey?

You give that grandfather of yours a message from me.

You tell him to keep his bloody mouth shut about my pen!

-Okay. -[ominous organ music]

And I want my baking tray back!

[door slams]

Of course. Trying to butter up the big woman.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among--

-Oh, now you'll definitely pass. -[Clare] It was worth a try!

Aye.

I'm not going to bother with any "never sin again" material, because let's face it, we've been there before.

You know it's balls. I know it's balls.

[gasps]

Oh, my God.

-What is it? -She... she...

I saw with my own eyes.

-Saw what? -She smirked!

-Who, big M? -Aye.

She just smirked at me.

Are you sure you didn't just--

Jesus! Me, too.

She just smirked at me, too.

-Why isn't she smirking at me? -She isn't smirking at anyone, James.

I just saw it, too!

-The holy smirk, thanks be to God. -You're imagining it.

Three of us saw it, Erin. How do you explain that?

Sleep deprivation.

Pernod.

-Delusional personality disorder. -[dog barks]

There you are.

Here, boy! Here, boy!

I mean, it's uncanny.

Okay, let's do it together.

Everyone look away.

Right. So, on three...

One...

No, no, no, no.

-[Michelle] Two... -I mean, have a bit of respect.

-Three. -[gasps]

-[angelic choir vocalizing] -[Michelle] No way.

What now?

She's crying.

She's crying real tears.

Oh, God, please. Oh, God, no, this is bad.

I said we needed a miracle, and behold, we have been given one.

This isn't a miracle, Clare.

-The exam, Erin. -Fuck the exam. Sorry.

-Listen... the thing is... -This is huge, Clare.

Do you really think they're going to make us sit an exam after seeing this?

-You may have a point. -Of course I have a point.

We are the motherfucking children of Fatima, people.

[choir singing crescendos]

[Sister Michael] Could you put me through to Sister Thomas, please?

Tommy!

How are you?

Yeah, not too bad.

On retreat?

Tsk. I don't know.

I have judo on Friday. Don't like to miss it.

Now, I tell you why I'm ringing you.

So, we've had an alleged apparition here this morning.

Well, it's in the weeping statue category.

Sure, I know.

Yeah, apparently there was a smirk as well.

[chuckles] I mean, I'm not sure what Our Lady of the Sorrows has to be smirking about, but that's by the by.

-Sister, priest is here. -[Sister Michael] I'll call you back.

Just a moment, ladies.

[door closes]

Listen, girls, I didn't really think beyond the exam, or us getting out of doing it.

Before this goes any further, before we talk to this priest, there is something you need to know.

[Sister Michael] Come in, Father.

♪ Do you, do you, do you Do you see the light? ♪

♪ Do you, do you, do you ♪

-[door closes] -Fuck me.

I like his shiny hair.

So do I. I really like his shiny hair.

-What were you saying, Erin? -Nothing. Ignore me. Forget it.

Hello, children.

[all] Hello, Father.

Please, call me Peter.

Christ.

This is just going to be a very relaxed, informal chat.

I don't want you to think of me as a priest. Think of me as a friend.

Look.

[girls gasp softly]

-Just like you now. -[all gasp]

Dose.

[Peter] So, before we begin, do you guys have any questions for me?

Is that your real eye color or are they contacts?

These are my real eyes.

-Oh. -[Peter] Anyone else?

Yes, James.

-Is that a firm hold gel you're using? -It's a mousse.

-And where do you... -Hair and Flair.

-[James] Oh, I didn't realize-- Ah... -They do a men's range.

-Anyone else? -Have you ever done any modeling?

No.

Does anyone have any questions about

-what happened in the church this morning? -No, I don't think so.

-No. -No.

-Not really. -No.

Okay, then. So you claim you saw our Blessed Lady's features change. Is that right?

The Virgin Mother smirked at us, Peter. That is correct.

I see. And after that, the statue, well, you claim it started weeping.

You're using the word "claim" a lot there, Peter.

Girls, I'm not here to make any judgments.

-I'm just trying to get the truth. -You think we're lying?

-No, of course not. -I do.

But sometimes we want to believe in something so much that we willingly deceive ourselves.

I know I've been guilty of that in the past.

I wanted a sign so badly that it drove me to distraction, because it is the question we all want the answer to, isn't it?

I mean, does God exist?

I mean, does he exist?

Does he?

[angelic choir vocalizing]

Or is your whole world built on a lie, Peter?

-Peter? -Yeah.

Directly before the weeping, can you remember what you were doing, what you were talking about?

-I remember that James was being a dick. -Miss Mallon.

I don't like to use that word, Sister, but it's so hard to describe James any other way because he's just such a dick.

[Peter] I don't think you're a dick, James.

-Really? -Really.

And do you know who else doesn't think you're a dick?

-Our Lord. -For feck's sake.

-How do you know Our Lord doesn't? -Our Lord doesn't think anyone's a dick.

-I very much doubt that. -Well, it's the truth.

-Marti Pellow. -No.

-Paddy Ashdown. -No.

-Your man from Fun House. -Pat Sharp?

Pat Sharp. Pat Sharp's definitely a dick.

Okay. The five of you attending chapel, praying together,

-would that be a typical morning? -[laughs] Very good.

-He's not joking, Michelle. -Oh. Christ, fuck no.

-We were just following that stupid dog. -I'm sorry?

The dog has nothing to do with anything.

See, Erin's dog died recently, and she saw one that sort of looked like him a bit.

-The dog's irrelevant. -So we followed him for a while.

The dog and statue are unrelated.

And he led us to the chapel.

The dog led you to the chapel?

-The dog isn't important. -Maybe it is.

What if this dog you saw, Erin, what if it didn't simply look like your dog?

What if it actually was your dog?

[scoffs] Right.

Maybe. But, as I think we mentioned, Toto's dead.

My ma saw him get hit by an army Land Rover, and then buried him in our back garden, so probably not.

A beloved animal returning from the dead. Now, we've seen this before.

Oh, ghost dog.

No, not ghost dog... resurrected dog.

[angelic choir vocalizes]

Don't you see?

Toto was sent back to lead you to that chapel, to that statue... because you're special, Erin.

You have been chosen.

Oh, Peter, it's all just so overwhelming.

Hmm.

[Mary] Here's what I find strange.

You're in that chapel every single Sunday, yet this message from on high comes on the very day you happen to have an exam, which, I know for a fact, you haven't as much as even opened a book for.

I find that very strange as well, Mrs. Quinn. Very strange indeed.

What are you suggesting?

If you are lying, Erin, so help me Jesus...

I'm not lying.

[Mary] Swear.

Swear on Dolly.

-Orla saw too. -Orla is easily led.

Thank you, Aunt Mary.

Look, I'm sure you all must have questions.

-I have a question. -Yes?

How do you stay in such good shape?

-Is it exercise? Diet? -A combination of both.

I also have a question, pretty boy.

Why are you encouraging all this?

I wouldn't say I'm encouraging it. I'm just open to the possibility.

Well, I'm not, not unless I see some cold, hard evidence.

And maybe it's there.

Proof at last, Peter. Proof at last.

Is he all right?

I wouldn't say so, no.

He's a priest, like.

Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here but is risen.

Come, come see the place where the Lord lay.

God is inviting us to be his witness.

-We must look in the burial place. -What's he saying?

I think he's saying he wants to dig up the wee dead dog's grave.

-What? -What?

Fecking weirdo.

-[doorbell rings, knock at door] -I'll go. I'll get it.

It is mental out there. Everybody is talking about us.

Dennis gave me free pick and mix, bonbons and all. No fucking about, like.

We're basically celebrities now. We're like the Corrs.

-Can I be Jim? -[Clare] It's too much, Erin.

I can't handle it. I think I'm going to crack.

Okay, look, this has got way out of hand. What are you wearing?

What did I say? You look like a fucking ball bag.

Your hair's all funny.

-I put too much mousse in it, that's all. -Listen, girls--

-Get off me. -Okay, listen.

-It was piss. -What was?

The tears on the statue.

Well, I actually have good reason to believe they were actually dog piss.

No, you're not serious.

Deadly serious.

Sweet and gentle Jesus.

I mean, that sort of makes sense.

I'm not even sure I saw her smirk anymore. I've had a lot of caffeine.

I definitely didn't see her smirk. I was lying, so...

Excellent.

I was going to tell you all earlier, but then Peter showed up, and there was just this instant connection, like a spark.

-There was no spark, Erin. -He said I was special.

He also said your dead pet had been fucking resurrected, so, pinch of salt.

Yes, and now he's talking about digging him up.

And when he does, he'll realize that Toto has not, in fact, been resurrected.

He'll realize that Toto is just dead. Very, very dead.

-And we've all been talking shite. -We need to tell the truth, now.

No fucking way. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Look, Clare.

Take a long, hard look at that.

And this is only the beginning. The Derry Journal are on their way round.

They said we could make page five.

Erin, tell her!

Yeah, we could tell the truth, but I sort of like the fact that Peter thinks I'm the chosen one, so...

-James. -I have a slight concern.

The truth might affect

-my friendship with Peter. -You don't have a friendship with Peter.

Yes, I do. We have a lot in common.

Like what? Apart from you appear to be wearing his clothes.

No, the fact that we're both very spiritual.

But mainly the fact that he doesn't think I'm a dick, and neither do I.

Come on, people! The jig is up!

Doesn't have to be.

What's become of us?

What has become of us?

-Keep an eye on that kitchen window, you. -I want no part of this.

Well, you're in too deep now, Clare.

You're stealing a body!

Let's just get it over with, and never, ever speak of it again.

-Jesus, my nails are fucking ruined. -[Erin] Less talking, more digging.

[Orla] I've got something.

[Erin] Give it here.

Right. Me and Michelle go stash him somewhere, and the rest of you all fill it back in.

-Open the box, Erin. -Oh, God!

Yes, he is with us. Do not be afraid, child.

[gasps]

Listen, I can...

Oh, no, actually, I can't.

I can't explain.

Thanks be to God.

Thanks be to God.

I don't understand it.

The Lord's work is often difficult to comprehend.

No, I mean I really, really don't understand it.

You're right, Father.

He has... risen.

It's truly a miracle.

-So, what happens now, Peter? -Well, I think the next stage is Rome.

-Audience with the big man. -Pavarotti?

John Paul II.

But first let us pray. Please, join hands.

I don't want you to touch me.

Excuse me.

It is vital you keep a low profile for a bit.

Do you hear me, Malarkey?

That was nobody.

Well, you could at least wait till I've asked.

Give my head peace, Erin. Get back inside.

Why are you calling Maureen Malarkey?

Granda says we're not allowed to speak to her.

Oh, that? That's all blown over now.

Maureen Malarkey!

[Joe] Don't you mention that lowdown, deceitful, cheating old witch!

-Why were you ringing her, Mammy? -It's none of your business.

Fine. I'll ask her myself.

Stop it, Erin.

Redial.

It was only her answer machine anyway.

-[Maureen] Hello, sorry to miss your call. -See? Now hang up.

-Like to leave a message for Maureen... -Hang up, Erin.

-[barking] -...Toto, we'll get back to you

-as soon as we can. -[answering machine beeps]

You gave Toto to Maureen Malarkey?

Wee Tigger had just passed.

She was lonely.

The chapel. She was there.

That dog was Toto.

Oh, it's all adding up now, isn't it, Mammy?

-It's all for the best, Erin. -You staged his death, Ma.

I thought I'd lost him. -Well, you have lost him.

-We're not taking him back. -What?

Ah, come on. He's a shit dog.

Toto was not a shit dog.

-Well, he was no Gypsy. -Stop it. I'm sick of it.

You can't compare every animal you have to the dog you had when you were five years old.

-I can and I will. -[doorbell rings]

You're not going to tell your granda, are you?

Well, I'm going to need some time to think about that.

-[camera shutters click] -Lovely. And another one.

-[camera shutters click] -Beautiful. And another one.

I'll be one minute.

[Michelle] Right, get one of me now.

[camera shutters click]

Bonbon?

What a day.

God, this is really hard.

-Oh, it's been incredible. -Were they always this hard?

You know, to tell you the truth, Erin,

I've been having a bit of a crisis of faith recently.

Is that so?

Seriously, it's like a jawbreaker.

-It's been very challenging. -Really?

Sorry, I'm going to have to spit this out.

And you know, it became more challenging... when I met this amazing girl.

-There was just this... -Connection?

Exactly.

You know, made me question everything, doubt everything.

If God hadn't sent me this sign, I might have left the priesthood to be with her.

What if he didn't?

I'm sorry?

Send you the sign, I mean. Just for argument's sake.

Well, he did, Erin.

You know, I could never abandon him now.

-It's not true. -What?

We're lying. We've been lying.

There was no smirking, no weeping.

The dog's not even dead. He's living with Maureen Malarkey.

None of it's true, Peter. It's all balls.

But the good news is you're free. We're free.

We can be together.

[pop song plays]

Peter.

Peter, Peter, where are you going? Peter, wait.

I've got the most amazing news. I've had a calling.

I've decided to follow in your footsteps.

-I've decided to serve God. -Don't be such a dick, James.

♪ I said goodbye ♪

[Michelle] So he's just going to pack in the priesthood now, is he? Completely?

You can't exactly go part-time.

All because of us.

Not all because of us, Orla.

I mean, a bit because of us.

But mostly because it turns out he had a connection with one of the colorists in Hair and Flair, who does our Sarah's forwards, by the way.

And apparently she's a dirty tramp.

So, you know, good luck with that, Peter.

At least your ma was all right with Dog Piss Gate.

I thought she was going to go fucking nuts.

Let me put it this way.

I have locked my mother in a cage designed by her own art.

Oh, she has been well and truly hoist by her own petard.

Could you put it another way? I didn't understand a word of that.

-Sort of blackmailing her. -Oh, happy days.

God, it's all so mortifying.

-It'll all blow over soon. -[James] Have you seen this?

-Jesus Christ. -[gasps]

This is good. "Wicked" means "good" in England, doesn't it?

But we're not in England, are we, Michelle?

And my tits look amazing in that top.

[laughs]

-Well, sure, that's the main thing. -[door opens]

Ladies...

♪ Tears from my eyes ♪

♪ Since you've gone ♪

♪ All I do is cry ♪

♪ Won't somebody help me? ♪

♪ Somebody help me ♪

♪ Can't you see ♪

♪ That my baby has left me? ♪

♪ She left me reeling and rocking ♪

♪ Walking the floor ♪

♪ She left a note last night... ♪