Home > Derry Girls

Season Season 1, Episode 5

[drum roll]

[banging]

[man shouts indistinctly outside]

[Ma Mary] Already? They've started already?

Think it's just a rehearsal, love.

They've been playing the same three songs since 1795.

What do they need to rehearse for?

Well, practice makes perfect, Aunt Mary.

You know, that is why they are so cracker.

I'm sorry?

Did you just call the Orange Order "cracker"?

I'm considering joining.

I don't think they accept Catholics, Orla, or, you know, acknowledge our right to exist.

Give us a hand here, Gerry. This'll not close.

We need to shift ourselves.

-We're the last Fenians standing. -Relax, love.

We've a good two or three hours before the rioting starts.

I'll not settle myself until we're over that border, Da.

You're absolutely sure we need the big clock, love?

-We've been through this. -Don't want to bring the wee clock?

I can't be doing with the wee clock.

What exactly is your problem with the big clock?

I wouldn't say I have a problem, as such.

It's just much heavier and takes up a lot of room.

I'm telling you, Mary. That's how it starts.

Now he's dictating what size of clock you can pack.

Next he'll be telling you what to wear, what to say.

Before you know it, you'll be faking your own death, assuming a new identity.

Erin, I told you not to let him watch that Sleeping with the Enemy.

-[Erin] Couldn't stop him, Mammy. -Great show.

Stick that in the boot.

[Gerry grunting]

You'll be as well getting one of the wains to do it.

Out of the way.

[groans]

-[door opens] -Right.

Listen to it. I mean, just listen to it.

They can't-- I mean, they don't-- Why do they have to be so loud?

-Breathe, love. -It's far worse for me, Clare.

-I mean, my hearing is impeccable. -I've read the same paragraph 47 times because I can't concentrate, because-- Oh my God, the noise!

This whale, he's a bad brute, Mrs. Quinn.

I have to know if they catch him.

Can I come away with you, please?

Okay, well, if your mother has no objections, I don't see why not.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'll never forget this. Thank you!

She's taking you to a caravan in Portnoo. She's not giving you a kidney, Clare.

Listen, Mary. I just did a reading.

The cards say if we go on this wee holiday we're placing ourselves in grave danger, which I'm not buzzing about, to be honest.

You're not psychic, Aunt Sarah.

I am psychic, Erin.

I did a course. I got a certificate.

Aye, this does not look good.

Still no sign of the lottery numbers?

[Sarah] No, Daddy.

This psychic carry-on, it's not all it's cracked up to be, you know.

Last night, I woke up to this wailing sound.

I thought to myself, "Jesus, it's Granny Pat.

She's trying to cross over."

Now, it turned out it was only Aggie next door.

She'd put the electric blanket on full whack and scalded the legs of herself.

But still, it could just as easily have been--

The disembodied spirit of a dead relative?

Exactly. My nerves are wrecked.

I'm living on a knife's edge here.

-Is there any Rice Krispies? -[Orla] Shh! Shh!

This is the best bit.

Okay, everyone. Remain calm.

I need you all to listen very carefully.

[marching band music]

-[Mary] Okay, I'm going in. -[door opens]

-[knocking] -For the love of God, don't come in here!

-Everything all right, Mary? -Stay back, Deidre.

This place is a death trap.

Mary, I hate to do this to you, but me and Martin are both working nights, and I'm nervous about leaving these two, what with the day that's on it.

Don't suppose you could take them with you?

-Ach, away, Deidre, it's just-- -The English thing?

[sighs] Listen, Mary, I understand.

I mean, he's my nephew, and even I find it hard to get past.

If I'm totally honest, there's times when I look at him and I feel... well, it's pure hatred.

-I'll not dress it up. -No, no, it's not the English thing.

Hope to God it's not the gay thing you're offended by.

-There is no gay thing. -Because I'd be disappointed in you, Mary,

-I'll not lie. -Of course not.

I mean, if anything, the gay thing sort of cancels out the English thing.

Again, no gay thing.

You wouldn't move over there, James? I can't see past your massive closet.

I'm just not sure we'll have room in the caravan.

It'll be grand. Us men can camp outside.

-Oh, God. -Oh, God.

Run and ask Jim across the road for the lend of his tent.

Well, thanks a million, Mary. I owe you one.

If you want our Ryan to sort that gable wall of yours out, you've only to ask.

What's wrong with our gable wall?

-[Mary] Christ's sake. -[Sarah] Do you think it's an omen?

-[band continues playing loudly] -Right?

Now watch.

[silence]

-What about that? -Whoa!

I tell you, girls, the double glazing, it'll change your life.

Yes, as I said, it's... it's very impressive, Jim, but we're actually in a bit of a hurry, so if we could just grab that tent--

[band plays loudly]

[silence]

Mind-blowing.

[Mary] What are they, stilts?

Golf clubs.

I thought... spatulas.

{\an8}-They're rifles. -[Sarah] Really? Are you sure?

Fairly sure.

I also don't understand what connection spatulas, golf clubs or stilts would have to the Irish Resistance.

Christ, he's a dose.

Right. Once your tent is erect...

[snorts]

...you'll want to think about where to safely store your food, because believe me, girls, you do not want to attract predatory animals into your sleeping area.

Bears are particularly vicious.

Yeah, I'm not sure how many bears there are in Portnoo, though, Jim.

But there was a cheetah on the beach one time.

That was a greyhound, Orla.

I know what I saw.

Gave you the Intrepid, did he?

That's his second-best tent, you know.

Tell you what, son.

I'm putting you in charge of it, okay?

Oh, please don't. Please, don't put me in charge of it.

You'll be all right.

Right, there's too many of us for one car. Some of you'll have to go with my da.

Can I? Can I?

'Cause Joe drives really fast.

He, like, runs through red lights and takes corners on two wheels. It is class!

It really is.

I think I'll hop in with Mr. Quinn, if that's okay.

Me too.

I'll go with me da. He lets me smoke.

You're coming? What about the grave danger we're putting ourselves in?

It's a concern, but so is the fact I have nothing in for me Sunday dinner, so...

All right, Joe, if you just follow me.

Now, why should I follow you?

-I've got the map. -Aye.

-Well, now I have the map. -Ach, Da.

Joe, it's all just a bit trickier today.

There are so many roadblocks up.

There are so many diversions and, you know, I drive for a living.

He says this like it's something to be proud of.

Look, we just need to get out of this place as quickly and as quietly as possible.

You know what age I am, boy?

You know how many of these parades I've lived through?

You think I don't realize how quickly a situation can turn?

Do you think I'd do anything to put my family at risk?

No, of course not. I'm sorry.

Aye.

What are you looking at, you tangerine toe?

[Erin] Okay, Granda.

I think what's happened here is, now correct me if I'm wrong, but I think your father has just driven through a police barricade.

[Mary] Well, it's done now.

Oh, that's true. It's probably not even that big a deal, if you ignore the fact that Orangemen are circling us as though we're their fucking prey.

[Mary] It'll be grand.

I'm starting to understand how Moby Dick must feel.

Christ, I'm sweating here.

-[music blaring] -[inaudible arguing]

[Joe] You lot tell me where I can and can't go in my own town?

Orange bastards!

Sure, didn't I predict this?

No, you didn't.

I said this trip would place us in grave danger, Erin.

Those were my very words.

This isn't grave danger.

Oh, look. That cop is pointing his gun at us.

I mean, it's not ideal, but this is more of a pickle.

It's a pickle, isn't it, Granda? It's just a pickle.

Assholes!

Okay, then.

-So, would you do me a reading, Sarah? -I would, surely, love.

Grow up, Michelle.

Deck of cards can't actually predict your future.

It's ridiculous. It's medieval.

Shower of shites!

[crowd shouting, cheering]

They really don't look that happy, do they?

Why don't we explain it was an accident, that we don't want any trouble?

-I'm not going out there. -Send one of the wains.

-What? -What?

Well, the wee fella's English. They might respect that.

-I think they would respect that. -Away you go, son.

-You're not serious. -It'll be grand.

Underneath it all, I'm sure they're reasonable enough people.

[men shouting]

Absolutely no chance.

And how soon am I gonna meet this fella?

Dead soon. Really soon.

And answer me this. Is he a ride?

Oh, God, aye.

Is it just a casual thing, or are we talking a keeper here?

I'm thinking marriage.

-Holy fuck. -Catch yourself on.

To think, I could be staring at him right now.

You can't marry an Orangeman, Michelle.

That's a pity, 'cause I think there's something really sexy about the fact that they hate us so much.

["Holiday" by Madonna plays]

♪ Holiday ♪

♪ Celebrate ♪

I hope your father appreciates the fact that I was the one

-who got us out of that mess. -He won't.

Nobody back there actually believed you were a Japanese tourist, Gerry.

They all thought you were a nutcase. They took pity on you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Dear God, no.

-What's wrong? -I can't find my purse.

-I can see your purse right there. -No, that's my sterling purse.

I'm talking about my punt purse. I can't find my punt purse, Gerry.

Blessed Saint Anthony, the grace of God has made you the patron saint of all things lost and stolen.

I turn to you this day with childlike love and deep confidence--

-Look, Mary, calm down-- -Calm down, Gerry?

We have no punts.

We can't go to the Free State without punts.

We're puntless. We haven't a punt between us.

Oh, God, I think... I think I'm having a panic attack.

-Oh, stupid punts. -Over this?

So what happened back there was totally fine, but this

-is worth having a panic attack about? -You have to turn around.

There is more chance of me eloping with your father to a flip-flop shop in Hawaii--

Look, okay, fine, but that means we won't be able to buy anything, which means we'll have no food, which means we'll all starve to death.

So, you know, on your head be it, Gerry. Oh, actually, do you know what?

I think I put it in the suitcase.

False alarm there, Saint Anthony. Sorry for troubling you.

♪ It would be ♪

♪ It would be so nice ♪

What's this prick up to now?

[car doors slam]

What the hell were you playing at back there, "Kemosabe"?

That's actually a Native American term.

-Who were you meant to be? -Japanese.

I didn't think you get much Japanese tourism in Derry, do you?

Aye, 'cause that's why it wasn't believable, dickweed.

-What's going on? Why have we stopped? -Punt purse is in the suitcase.

Punts are such a pain in the ass. Why can't they just use sterling?

Well, they did for a while, Sarah, but then, you know, partition happened.

Holy God!

Jesus Christ!

Did you not put him in there, Aunt Mary?

-No, I did not. -All right? How's it going?

Not too bad. Not too bad. And yourself?

I'm sorry, who are you?

Ah, Emmett's the name.

Well, not my real name, like, but it'll have to do.

Anyway, I'll not be keeping you.

-[Mary] No, hold on. Wait. -Yeah?

Do you mind telling us what you're doing in there?

Oh, right.

Well, during the last 24 hours, crossing the border has become somewhat of a priority for me.

So, I did a bit of asking around, you know, just on the off chance someone would be heading down that way, and your name came up, and, there you have it.

-Fantastic. -All right? Lovely to meet you.

♪ We need a holiday ♪

I'm in shock. It's insane.

-I don't even think I fancy him. -What?

Well, it's obviously him. It's obviously my husband.

Like, it's just too much of a coincidence.

Do you remember the whole "us being in grave danger" thing Sarah mentioned?

Well, I think... I think this might be it.

I thought you said fortune-telling was medieval.

Yeah, well, something has made me reassess all that. What was it again?

Oh, aye, the fact that there's an actual Provo in the boot of our car.

Oh, no! I've lost my bookmark.

Now I've lost my page.

Oh, my God, this day just goes from bad to worse.

Bit of perspective, maybe, Clare.

I could grow to fancy him, I suppose.

Why doesn't someone just call the police?

'Cause that's not how things work around here, James.

Well, how do things work here? How do they work?

Will one of you please explain it to me?

Because sometimes I feel like I've gone through the fucking looking glass.

Calm down, James.

Aye, don't be such a dick, James.

[knocking]

Was there something else, or...?

Yes. Yes, there was something else, actually.

I'm sure you have questions. I just don't really wanna get into it all.

Yeah, well we didn't really want you to get into our boot.

Maybe just leave the fella be, sure. What's the odds?

What if they pull us over at the checkpoint, Joe?

What if the army asks to search the car?

[scoffs] The Brits are flat out with their own parade.

-They'll not bother with us. -That's a good point.

-Stay out of it, you. -Right, in you go, son.

-Ah, Da. -What do you want me to do?

Turf the wain out in the middle of nowhere?

But this is dangerous, Joe. He is dangerous.

[Emmett] I'm not dangerous.

In fairness, Emmett, if you were dangerous, you wouldn't say that you were dangerous,

-would you? -[Emmett] True.

Shh! Can you hear that?

-[ticking] -[Michelle] Hear what?

-Come on, Emmett, out you go. -Ah, ah, ah!

You just stay where you are, son.

Ticking.

It's... it's like a ticking sound.

I'm not comfortable driving him across the border.

Fine.

I'll drive him.

Oh, dear God.

We're all involved in this, Da.

We'll decide what to do as a family.

Bomb! He has a bomb! Listen, Mammy!

-Listen! -Ach, Erin, that's just the big clock.

[mariachi band plays]

[crowd on TV cheers]

It's aiding and abetting. We're talking serious jail time here.

Well, it's a risk we have to take.

No, it's not, Joe.

It's not a risk we have to take. It's a risk we shouldn't take.

-Don't you take that tone with me, boy. -He seems like a nice enough fella.

-We have to walk away from this. -[Erin] What if we can't?

What if we don't help him and he kills us all because we know too much?

I like him. I think he's a character.

-Well? -Just a cup of tea for me, please, love.

-Same here. -[Joe] And here, thanks, love.

Oh, and some Cokes for the wains, please. What do you fancy, Sarah?

-I wouldn't mind a wee vodka. -Make that two.

-We don't sell alcohol. -[baby cries]

-I'll take a tea. -Any food?

We're just looking.

-[scoffs] Fine. -[Gerry] Yeah.

And at 2.25 a burger, looking is all we'll be doing.

Ah, don't mind me. Just grabbing a knife.

-Take it you haven't decided yet. -Just leave it with me, son.

Aye, no pressure. I'll be over here if you need me.

What the hell does he need a knife for?

He's eating his lunch.

God, but he has great teeth, doesn't he?

He really does, but... now, tell the truth.

The hair. Can you see a ginger tinge?

[Sarah] Now that you mention it...

So Christ only knows what's lurking downstairs.

And that is a concern.

But spending the rest of your life with a fugitive is less of a concern?

Absolutely.

[pop song plays]

-Hey. -All right?

I think you know who I am.

Yeah.

You sense it.

No, I mean I remember. You're with them.

Look, I just wanted to say, well,

-there's obviously something between us. -There is?

The physical thing isn't really working for me yet.

-Right. -I'm not saying you won't grow on me.

-You're not a bad-looking lad. -Thank you.

But the ginger element... well, I've sort of got a borderline phobia.

-I'm not ginger. -There's a tinge, Emmett.

And while I can't say it won't be a struggle, I'm willing to try.

Great.

Even though it sort of turns my stomach.

Okay.

You really think this'll work? That they'll tell us what to do?

Sure, it's worth a try.

Oh! Would you look at that?

-What? What do they say? -I think-- Now, I can't be certain, but I think they're saying you should leave Gerry.

I could have told you that years ago, and I'm not psychic.

[sighs] Okay.

Look, I've yet to hear anybody say anything to convince me that bringing that lad across the border with us is a good idea.

Shit, he's coming.

I really didn't wanna have to do this.

Jesus Christ!

Get down! Everybody get down!

-Is there something wrong with her? -Stop that, Erin.

Sorry, Emmett. You were saying?

Didn't wanna put you in this position.

But I can't stress the seriousness of my situation.

-Anything else? -Oh, do you know what?

-I wouldn't mind a knickerbocker glory. -Right.

-You need to help me out here. -We do that and we're breaking the law.

You recognize the legal system of a brutal, imperialistic oppressor, do you?

If they can put me in jail for 20 years, then, yes, Emmett. Yes, I do.

Listen, listen. Have you killed anyone, son?

No. Well, at least not directly.

Well, there you go. So that settles it.

I don't think that does settle it, actually, Joe.

You know what's wrong with you, Gerry?

-You're an awful wuss. -I'm not a wuss.

-You're afraid of your own shadow. -No, I'm not.

Well, then grow a set of balls and help the fella out.

I have a set of balls, thank you very much.

-[Mary] Oh, seriously, Daddy. -You're even afraid of that wee girl.

-What wee girl? -That waitress.

You wanted a cup of tea.

She brought you a Coke and you just sat there and said sweet Fanny Adams.

[snickers] Your granda said "fanny".

Well, that's because I like Coke.

-Her customer service is shocking as well. -Aye, desperate.

-[Sarah] Someone should say something. -Aye, Gerry!

Gerry should say something.

I will. No problem.

I'll say something.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, please.

What?

Um, I just wanted to say that, uh, I, um...

I ordered a tea. You brought me a Coke, and that's not acceptable.

-But you drank the Coke. -That's not the point.

And your service has been nothing short of appalling. Your attitude is worse.

It's simply not good enough.

I'll, uh...

I'll bring you a tea.

You do that.

I'm sorry.

[sobs]

I got a bit of bad news today.

I haven't really been able to focus.

I've been a bit distracted, maybe.

I'm sorry.

-I'll just-- -No, no, no.

Ignore all that.

I'll bring your tea right away, sir.

Well, there was absolutely no need for that.

-Jesus, Gerry. -Harsh.

-Awful. -Poor girl.

I can't believe you did that, Daddy.

I...

You asked me to.

How could I have known?

And would you all just stop looking at me?

Fine.

Fine.

Do you know what? Fine.

I've had it with the lot of you.

And just for the record back there, I was being an Australian tourist, okay?

Australian. And I happen to think that my accent was flawless.

"Excuse me, mate. Can you help us get out of here?"

Flawless!

Okay.

We have to decide what to do here, one way or another.

-Let's just vote. -Leave him!

I vote we run away and leave him.

I vote we take him, for better or worse and all that.

I vote we take him.

-Me too. -I can't decide.

I decided, but I'm afraid to say what I've decided.

Why don't we just toss a coin?

Interesting...

So, heads, the wee RA man comes with us.

-Tails, we leave him. -Mmm.

-Aye. Ready? -Go on, then.

[coin clatters]

-What is that, a fish? -A dolphin, is it?

It sort of looks like Moby Dick, actually.

-Ah, shite I used a punt, didn't I? -What's on the other side?

-A harp. -So harp must be the head

-and fish must be the tail? -Oh, that makes sense.

Yeah, because fish have tails.

-Just do it again with real money? -This is real money, Sarah.

-You know what I mean, normal money. -All right. Who has ten pence?

It was him.

The mural on our house, the spray paint, it was Emmett.

-I can prove it. -Sly wee bastard.

-You bloody tout. -Where is Emmett?

There he is.

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[Mary] Is that Jim's tent?

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[sighs]

♪ All right ♪

[Mary] What's he doing?

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man What a mighty good man ♪

♪ Say it again now ♪

♪ What a man, what a man, what a man What a mighty good man ♪

♪ He's a mighty, mighty good man ♪

I told you to look after that tent.

No, you didn't. You told him to look after it.

Aye, blame the wain, big man.

Jesus.

Jim's second-best tent.

How am I gonna break it to him?

♪ My man gives real loving That's why I call him "killer" ♪

♪ He's not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am He's a thriller ♪

♪ He takes his time And does everything right ♪

♪ Knocks me out with one shot For the rest of the night ♪

♪ He's a real smooth brother Never in a rush ♪

♪ And he gives me goose pimples With every single touch ♪

♪ Spends quality time with his kids When he can ♪

♪ Secure in his manhood 'Cause he's a real man ♪

♪ A lover and a fighter... ♪