Home > Derry Girls

Season Season 1, Episode 6

All I'm saying is I find it difficult to believe.

But it's the truth, Mary.

-[Mary] Really? -Honest to God.

So, if I was to go next door and open that washing basket of yours...

You wouldn't find any darks.

What, do you think I'm holding out on you?

I don't know what to believe.

Listen, I've plenty of coloreds. You're welcome to my coloreds.

I'm not interested in your coloreds, Sarah.

It's darks I need. Oh, listen, Da.

Do not be starting at me about darks, Mary.

I've given you whatever darks I have.

Stick on a half load and be done with it, woman.

A half load goes against everything I stand for. You know that, Da.

You away to do the big shop, Da?

Aye. Gerry! Gerry!

I don't see why that useless drip you call a husband has to be coming.

Because someone needs to drive and you've been suspended, again.

-What did you do this time, Daddy? -[Joe] Nothing!

It's RUC discrimination.

The only crime I committed was to be born a Catholic.

Gerry's never been suspended and he's a Catholic.

He's also a prick, but that's by the by.

-Cut that out, Da. -Found some.

-Oh! -Found some, Mary.

-Great. -Right. That's us away.

Have a nice time.

Tell that Free State fucker to shift his hole.

[door opens]

I'm sure we will.

There's no shame in doing a half load, you know, Mary.

I can't, Sarah. I physically can't.

[overlapping chattering]

["Ice, Ice, Baby" by Vanilla Ice plays]

♪ Ice, ice, baby ♪

♪ Ice, ice, baby All right, stop ♪

Hey! Let me look at that.

You call that clean, do you?

Different standards, you see, Mary.

You're not in England now, son.

Orla was the one who washed it.

Oh, okay.

Okay. I have had it with you, James, and your picking, picking, picking, and I won't take it anymore.

-Do you hear me? -Is everything okay, Orla?

[Sarah] I warned you, Orla.

You're putting yourself under too much pressure.

Can't fail, Mammy.

Since when have you been troubled by exams?

Exams? What are you on about, Erin?

-What are you on about, Orla? -Step.

-I'm sorry? -Step aerobics.

Orla's got really into step aerobics.

Her instructor says she's a natural.

Says she's got what it takes to go all the way.

All the way in step aerobics?

But it's out of control now, Mary.

She's stepping morning, noon and night.

Apart from anything else, it's dangerous.

She nearly came through the ceiling yesterday.

Okay, she might be gifted, but I just want her to have a normal childhood.

I won't give it up. I can't.

Listen to yourself, love.

Now, whites.

♪ Word to your mother ♪

{\an8}♪ Ice, ice, baby Too cold ♪

{\an8}♪ Ice, ice, baby Too cold, too cold ♪

♪ Ice, ice, baby Too cold, too cold ♪

♪ Ice, ice, baby Too cold, too cold ♪

I got my eye on you, boy.

Jesus, Joe.

What are you doing here? Meeting your fancy woman, I suppose.

No, I'm not. I'm collecting Mary's photographs.

And if I was having an illicit rendezvous with my mistress,

I'm not sure that the supermarket that my father-in-law is doing the big shop in

-would be the best place for it, really. -"Quinn", you said?

-That's right. Great. -Here we go.

That'll be £3.75, please. And have you got your wee docket there?

-Yeah, I do. -It's a wee red slip of paper,

-about yea big. -Yeah.

-Dark blue lettering, it has. -Yeah, I know.

Not a navy blue, more like a royal blue.

I know what it looks like.

Times New Roman, I believe the font is called.

-I just can't find it. -Prick.

Uh, look, I'm sorry. Do you absolutely need it?

I'm afraid I do, sir, yes. Proof of ID.

But you have my surname written on it there.

How do I know that's your surname?

Because I told you it was my surname.

-You could be lying. -Why would I lie?

To get your hands on someone else's photos.

Why would I want somebody else's photos?

Who would pay for somebody else's photos?

-Stalker, maybe. -Yeah, exactly. Very good, sir.

-A stalker. -I'm not a stalker.

Look, why don't you just go home and have a wee look for your wee docket?

No. This is ridiculous.

Just open that up and take out one of the photos.

You see? That's me wife there.

How do I know you're not just telling me that?

'Cause that's me standing beside her.

I suppose you do look a bit like this man.

I am this man.

-It could be you. -It's definitely me.

My name is Gerry Quinn. This is my father-in-law, Joe.

He can vouch for me.

I've never seen this man before in my life.

No docket, no photographs.

♪ We'll be together Like birds of a feather ♪

-♪ Like some things are meant to be ♪

-Great.

♪ One way or another ♪

♪ You know we'll be together ♪

♪ Because I know he loves me ♪

♪ I'm sending a message to Anyone that flirts with you ♪

Ten copies of each, please, and Jenny wants a tea.

Okay, guys.

Don't forget, entries for our "searching for myself " writing competition are to be placed here.

If you could all spread the word, that'd be fabby-dabby-do.

-Fabby-dabby-dick. -Can I have your attention, please?

Get down. Get down.

I've received a phone call from Louise Kerr's mother,

-and it's not looking great. -Oh, God.

I just can't believe it.

It's unlikely she'll be returning to school before the end of the year, so I think the only thing we can do now is--

-Pray for her? -No. What use would that do?

No, I think the best thing we can do is decide who will fulfill the role of editor now.

Sister Michael, some of us have actually already discussed this eventuality, and the thing is, well, nobody's comfortable stepping into Louise's shoes.

It feels a bit, sort of, disrespectful.

We think this issue should be canceled.

Right, well, fair enough, if nobody is willing to take her place--

-I'll do it. -Excuse me?

I'll take her place. I'll step into her shoes.

-I'll do it. -Really?

-Absolutely. -[Jenny] No, you can't.

We are making a statement. You're ruining our statement.

Look, girls, I know Louise meant a lot to you all.

-She's not dead, Erin. -Well, not yet.

Hopefully, she won't, you know, die, but if she does, the show must go on.

Isn't that right, Sister Michael?

You terrify me.

You can't be the editor.

You've never written an article, Erin.

That's because I can't get anything past Rupert Murdoch over there.

This isn't fair. You can't let it happen, Sister.

I know, but I'm bored now, so it looks like I probably will.

Good luck, all.

♪ Yeah ♪

How could you have lost the wee docket, Gerry?

Aye, everybody knows you have to hang on to the wee docket.

Look, I've said that I'm sorry.

They were my birthday photos, for God's sake.

There's definitely grounds for an annulment here, Mary.

I mean, you only turn 33 once.

You've been 33 a few times now, in fairness, Mary.

Well, aren't you a brave man, given the circumstances?

Mary, come on. Would you not reconsider?

-[Mary] No, Da. -[Joe] Please, love.

-Just the once. -I'm not letting you hit him, Da.

I'm devastated. That was when I lost the half-stone doing the Rosemary Conley, as well.

My collar bone was sort of poking through my skin.

Do you remember, Mary?

Aye, you were far too thin, Sarah.

No, it was. It was brilliant, and now I haven't got so much as a photograph to look back on.

Look, it's gone. The docket's gone.

-Why don't we just move on? -Why don't you just move out?

Guess who's been made editor of the school magazine!

Me! I have.

-Can you believe it? -[Mary] Oh, Christ. My whites.

I think I know what happened to the wee docket.

["If My Friends Could See Me Now" playing]

[school bell rings]

♪ If they could see me now That old gang of mine ♪

♪ I'm eatin' fancy chow And drinkin' fancy wine ♪

♪ I'd like those stumblebums To see for a fact ♪

♪ The kind of top-drawer First-rate chums I attract ♪

♪ All I can say is "Wow, look at where I am" ♪

♪ I landed, pow Right in a pot of jam ♪

Dick.

♪ If my friends could see me-- ♪

Good morning, team!

[door closes]

Where is everyone?

They quit.

What? You're not serious.

They all think what you did was pretty out of order, Erin.

-I see. -And that you're a bit ruthless.

-Okay. -And cold.

Right. -Nobody really has any respect for you.

Yes, all right, thank you.

Well, I appreciate that you're still here, Aisling.

I really do. I'm not gonna lie.

Just the two of us, it's gonna be tough, but if you're not afraid of the challenge, then neither am I.

Yeah. I only came back because I forgot my inhaler.

Fine. Puff off.

I don't need you. I don't need any of you.

I've got my own people, and we'll show you up for the amateurs that you are.

My people are shit hot. Do you hear me?

Shit hot!

[James] Okay. Right. Okay.

How do I do a new line again?

[Michelle] Return. Jesus, James.

-How many times? -Return.

-I can't understand. -[copier beeping]

-Come on! -Seriously?

Will you be quiet?

I'm trying to get my creative juices flowing over here.

Okay. You're gonna have to never say that again.

Enough. Come on.

We need to make a call on our late story.

Okay. So, let's...

Would you stop doing that, please?

I can't let my heart rate drop, I'm afraid, Erin.

Let's just run through some of our favorite ideas.

So, firstly, animals.

-Animals. Can someone elaborate? -[Erin] Yeah.

So, this concept would focus on animals, alongside pictures of famous people who look a bit like animals.

-Michelle Pfeiffer looks like a cat. -Exactly.

[James] Okay. Right. Animals.

Uh, what's the next one? Shoes of the--

-Shoes of the world. -And that involves...?

So, this piece would concentrate on different shoes from around the world, sitting alongside pictures of, you know, different shoes from around the world.

Okay.

So, like, how in Russia they wear boots because--

-It's Baltic. -And in India they wear sandals because--

It's boiling.

So that's it, is it?

Thoughts?

I'm not totally convinced by either of them, if I'm honest.

Oh, my God. They're shit.

They're absolutely shit.

How can we print this utter shit?

-Okay, don't panic. -Don't panic?

Don't panic, James?

"Shoes of the world". What does that even mean?

-Yeah, we're fucked. -[Erin] No. It's okay.

It's gonna be okay.

We-we-we just need to change our approach slightly.

The writing competition?

Exactly. There's bound to be something in here we can steal.

We can just steal something, and we'll-we'll just steal someone's idea and we'll pass it off as our own.

Journalistic integrity at its finest.

"Searching for Myself"? What a load of balls.

-Oh, my God. -Let's see.

"Suffocation: The Secret Life of a Gay Teenager".

It's anonymous.

-It wasn't me. -[Erin] No.

This was written by a girl. A real-life lesbian walks among us.

I don't really believe in lesbians.

This is perfect. We'll just print this.

-Come on, Erin, you can't do that. -Why not?

We'll get in trouble, real trouble, big trouble.

You're not afraid of a bit of controversy?

Yes. Actually, yes, I am.

Something like this could go on our permanent record, Erin.

And what's more important, Clare?

Your permanent record or... telling this poor girl's story?

My permanent record.

-Count me out. -Fine.

Well, this issue of The Habit will go down in history!

In history, I say!

You seriously need to chill the fuck out.

[Sister Michael] Not happening.

-But, Sister Michael-- -Don't even think about arguing.

I can't be doing with the board of governors getting wind of something like this at the moment.

They're a thorn in my ass at the best of times.

I mean, for God's sake, Erin, what happened to "Shoes of the World"?

This is more important.

This is about, you know, gay rights.

I see. And I take it that's what the camp shirts are in aid of.

A very serious uniform violation, by the way.

But let's take one problem at a time, shall we?

This isn't a problem, Sister.

This is groundbreaking journalism.

They are not to be distributed tomorrow. Do I make myself clear?

But that's censorship.

Well done. You are correct.

You're being censored, now go.

You see, I was so focused on pissing off that gobshite my eldest girl's unfortunate enough to be married to, that I completely lost sight of the fact that they were really her birthday photos.

And my other girl, my younger girl, well, she was looking very slim at the time, so go and grab them for me, there's a good fella.

I can't accept that.

I think something's been lost in translation here, boy.

Here, Daddy. Get a whiff of that.

-Oh, that's very nice, love. -It's you.

-[Sarah] What? -The photographs.

Well, I remember you.

I couldn't forget you.

Hope you don't mind me saying this, but you have a cracking clavicle.

I don't mind, Ciaran.

I don't mind at all.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

It's wrong. I mean, my God, the injustice of it all.

You should get that one framed as a wee reminder of your night, Mary.

I'm not in that one.

No, but it's stunning of me.

-It is indeed. -[Joe] Hey, boy.

It's dinner she invited you round for, not an orgy.

She basically told us we can't print the story because it's about a lesbian.

Do you not think there's an awful lot of lesbians about nowadays?

You can't move for lesbians.

It's wall-to-wall lesbians out there.

-Really? -[Joe] It's true.

Brigitte Gallagher, she's a lesbian.

Brigitte Gallagher, who works in the post office?

-I believe so. -Is she not a vegetarian, Da?

Sorry, you're right. Vegetarian, Brigitte is.

Well, it's an easy mistake to make, Joe.

Can I call you Joe?

-No. -Right.

Welcome to the club, Ciaran.

I'm gonna have to make a stand about this, Mammy.

Ah, no, you won't, Erin.

The school is trying to erase this young girl's experience, all because she's gay.

I mean, what if it were me?

What if it were Orla?

Fine, stick up for the wee lesbian.

I just don't understand what they eat.

["Let's Talk About Sex" by Salt-N-Pepa plays]

Read all about the wee dyke.

We will not be censored!

Lesbians really do exist!

I support gays, even though I, myself, am not actually gay!

-Come on, Clare. -I don't wanna get involved.

-I'm sorry. -Coward!

♪ Come on Let's talk about sex, baby ♪

♪ Let's talk about you and me ♪

♪ Let's talk about All the good things... ♪

What's going on?

Erin Quinn and her friends are handing out their magazine.

They're ignoring the ban, Sister.

You need to put a stop to it.

Sister, didn't you hear me?

Do you know what, Jenny? I don't think I did.

-Isn't this mad? -It's all anyone's talking about.

Everyone's buzzing to find out who she is.

Well, if she ever does reveal herself, she'll basically be a celebrity.

Excuse me. Excuse me, everybody!

Excuse me. Excuse me. [clears throat]

I just wanna say, that if you're looking for the wee lezzer, look no further, because here she is.

Love women. Can't get enough of the ladies.

Big fan of the fandango.

-Huge. Massive. -[girl 1] Aye, so's me ma.

Aye, good one.

-[girl 2] You're talking shite. -Fuck off.

["Girls and Boys" by Blur plays]

-Hi. -It's crawled out from under its rock?

-You should be ashamed of yourself. -I know. I'm sorry.

It all just made me a bit nervous.

Everything makes you nervous, Clare. You're a walking cack attack.

I can't help that. It's the way God made me.

Michelle's running round saying it's her, that she wrote the story, that she's the wee lesbian.

As if, like.

-There'd be more chance of it being you. -It is me.

No, I mean, I'd be less surprised if it was you.

-It is. -No, it's not, but if it was--

Erin, it's me.

I'm the wee... lesbian.

-So you are, Clare. -I'm not joking.

You're... you're a lesbian?

I've never been brave enough to say it out loud before, but I think that's why I wrote the story, and then it all got too real.

I got too scared, but now, well... you made me realize it's all okay.

Don't blame me.

What?

You fancy girls?

Well, that's sort of an entry level requirement, Erin.

-I think I'm gonna boke. -Do you mind?

-I'm trying to come out to you. -Well, don't.

Don't come out. Go back in.

I don't wanna go back in.

Well, I'm sorry, Clare, but I'm just not interested in you, not like that.

"Not interested in you like that." Look at the state of you.

Oh, come off it.

Your arrogance is staggering, Erin.

Well, you know what else is staggering? Your gayness.

I really thought you'd understand.

["Push It" by Salt-N-Pepa plays]

♪ Push it real good ♪

♪ Ah, push it ♪

♪ Pick up on this ♪

She won't even talk to me.

She doesn't even want to sit beside me.

In French, she moved next to Caoimhe Callaghan, so things must be really bad, because Caoimhe reeks of piss.

Christ's sake. Is this bastard living with us now?

-Daddy's dead funny, isn't he? -Yeah.

-I just want my old friend back. -She hasn't gone anywhere, love.

["Money" by DJ Raw Trax plays]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I make money Like so what? ♪

♪ I make money Like so what? ♪

♪ I make money Like so what? ♪

♪ Money so phat That it got its own guts ♪

-Can you blame her? -Ignore him, Erin.

These gays, they all stick together.

I'm not gay.

What's wrong with being gay?

He is such a fucking homophobe.

♪ It's the heart ♪

♪ Afraid of breaking ♪

♪ That never ♪

♪ Learns to dance ♪

Now James isn't even speaking to me.

Don't worry about James. James doesn't count.

♪ Afraid of waking ♪

♪ That never ♪

♪ Takes the chance ♪

-♪ It's the ones ♪ -♪ It's the ones ♪

-♪ Who won't be taken ♪ -♪ Who won't be taken ♪

♪ Who cannot seem to give ♪

♪ And the soul ♪

♪ Afraid of dying ♪

♪ That never ♪

♪ Learns to live ♪

[light applause]

Lovely, altogether.

You know, every year I sit backstage listening to the singers, and it really makes me realize just how talented the professionals who originally recorded these tracks were.

Now, who's on next?

[lively Celtic music plays]

Christ, this is penance.

I'm not doing it again. I mean it this time.

Up next we have Orla McCool.

Christ.

["Pray" by Take That plays]

♪ When the time grew near For me to show my love ♪

♪ The longer I stayed away for ♪

♪ Hiding from a word I need to hear now ♪

[girls giggle quietly]

♪ Don't think I'll hear it again ♪

♪ Don't think I'll hear it again ♪

♪ But the nights Were always warm with you ♪

♪ Holding you right by my side ♪

♪ Right by my side ♪

♪ But the morning Always comes too soon ♪

♪ Before I even close my eyes ♪

♪ Yeah All I do each night is pray ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[audience laughing]

♪ All I do each night is think ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

What's wrong with her, like?

She's such a dick.

Yeah, she might be a dick.

But she's my dick.

Actually, she's our dick.

♪ And all of the days and the nights ♪

♪ Oh, I regret it ♪

♪ I never showed you my love ♪

♪ I never showed you my love ♪

Oh, for fuck's sake.

♪ Holding you right by my side ♪

♪ Right by my side ♪

♪ But the morning Always comes too soon ♪

♪ Before I even close my eyes ♪

♪ Close my eyes ♪

[newscaster] ...in what is already being described

as one of the worst atrocities of the Northern Irish conflict.

At least 12 people are thought to be dead,

and many more wounded.

Emergency services are urging anyone with medical training

to come to the scene immediately.

The device was detonated at 3:00 p.m. this afternoon.

The RUC say no warning was given.

["Dreams" by The Cranberries plays]

♪ Oh, my life ♪

♪ Is changing every day ♪

♪ In every possible way ♪

♪ And oh, my dreams ♪

♪ It's never quite as it seems ♪

♪ Never quite as it seems ♪

♪ I know I felt like this before ♪

♪ But now I'm feeling it even more ♪

♪ Because it came from you ♪

♪ Then I open up and see ♪

♪ The person falling here is me ♪

♪ A different way to be ♪

[singer vocalizing]