Home > Derry Girls

Across the Barricade

[theme music playing]

[Erin] That summer was a remarkable one.

It was the summer we dared to dream.

For generations, we'd known nothing but violence,

nothing but hatred,

but finally, we were saying enough is enough.

Finally, we were saying let's give peace a chance.

-She's up here. -Jesus Christ.

She's pretending she's on Parkinson again.

[Ma Mary] Parkinson? Does she know what time it is?

I'll Parkinson her. I've enough on my plate without Parkinson.

Close the door.

No, Orla. Leave, then close the door.

-[door closes] -And it was Wogan, for your information.

[theme music playing]

For the love of God, don't forget your waterproof trousers.

Nearly bloody bankrupted us.

Do the Protestants have to bring waterproof trousers, or will the Catholics be expected to do all the dirty work?

It's not dirty work. It's an outdoor pursuits weekend.

Thought you said you were building bridges.

Not real bridges, Mammy. Metaphorical bridges.

Then why can't you wear metaphorical trousers?

-Will any of your crowd be going, love? -My crowd?

Or can you not get Protestant lesbians?

No, I think you can get them, all right, it's just--

I heard that k.d. lang on the radio yesterday.

Christ, but she's got some set of pipes on her.

You're very talented people.

-Thank you? -[baby cooing]

Has anyone seen my bow and arrow?

Orla really thrives in the wild, you know.

That time we went camping in Portsalon, sure she was like Mowgli, running around them woods.

She was that happy, Mary,

I honestly thought about just leaving her there.

Mammy!

[Donna Traynor on TV] Because of government restrictions,

we cannot broadcast the voice of Mr. Adams.

His words are spoken by an actor.

[actor's voice] Well, with respect, and I mean,

-if you're watching... - I'll never understand the point of it.

I'll never understand the point of you.

Grand so.

-[doorbell rings] -I'll go.

...both agree about the need to see an end to all acts of violence.

I want to see that.

It's because his natural voice is actually very seductive.

Apparently, he sounds like a West Belfast Bond.

As far as English are concerned, a voice like that, well, it's dangerous.

Just so I'm clear, are you saying that the British government dub the voice of Gerry Adams because it's too sexy?

It's like a fine whiskey.

And I have it on good authority, boy.

OK.

-Fuck-a-doodle-doo. -Hi.

Bet that's what he said when he was nabbed.

-When who got nabbed? -[Michelle] Have you not heard?

You know your man, floppy hair, English, he's all, "Fuck-a-doodle this, fuck-a-doodle-that."

He's flat out going to weddings with his mates, until one of them, the fat beardy one in the skirt, until he croaks it and they're all,

"We need to show this man a bit of respect here. Let's stop all the clocks."

He goes with your woman. You know her.

She's a total ride, but she paper-clips her frocks together.

Well, he was caught getting down and dirty with some hooker in the back of his BMW.

[laughs] Dark horse or what?

Good morning, Michelle.

I am buzzing for this weekend.

Them waterproof trousers do wonders for my hole.

Mine are pink. They're bright pink.

They were two for one, James. Stop crying.

-Two for one? Where? -Kays Catalogue.

-Oh, my mammy said to tell you-- -Her big bowl.

I know, I know, I keep forgetting. I'll drop it 'round today.

No, she said to hang on to it.

What? She doesn't want her big bowl back?

But why? There's nothing wrong with that bowl.

Sure, I was admiring that bowl only yesterday.

-It's a grand bowl. -I'm just a messenger, folks.

-Aye. -We need to shift ourselves.

Listen, wains. I've already said this to Erin.

Mammy, please.

No funny business with these Protestant lads. Is that clear?

I don't want anybody landing back here pregnant.

Not very likely in my case.

I wouldn't rule it out, son.

Teenage boys can be very convincing, Erin.

-I remember your father at that age-- -End that sentence now.

-Yes, please do. -Creep.

We're not doing this to get off with Protestant boys, Mammy.

We're doing this to reach across the divide.

-Did your mother get a new big bowl? -I don't think so.

-We're doing this for peace-- -All right, Erin.

No need to make a big song and dance about it.

[reggae music playing]

We're doing it for peace, all right, Mary.

A piece of that fine Protestant ass. [laughs]

God, you are such a hypocrite, Erin.

No, I'm not.

I just don't think there's anything wrong with some cross-community...

-Fiddling. -...relations.

So, we need to head southeast for 0.5 miles, and you'll receive further instructions shortly.

We haven't even left the estate yet, Orla.

These Prods have got some serious moves up their sleeves, you know.

They're not as fucked up about sex as we are.

They put the work in. They know what they're doing.

[scoffs] They're people, Michelle. They're not sex toys.

I beg to differ.

I'm really looking forward to making friends with some lads.

Lads aren't going to make friends with you, James.

Lads make friends with other lads.

-I am a lad. -[laughs] So you are, James.

OK, how much money do we have?

Look, the riding of the Protestants is one thing, but I don't see why we have to buy them a present.

I mean, they already have all the land, all the jobs and all the fucking rights.

Aye, Michelle, that's definitely the attitude we should have entering into this weekend.

A present for Protestants?

My next Protestant gift delivery isn't due to arrive until Wednesday, and as it stands, I'm completely out of stock, what with there being such a high fucking demand for that sort of thing around these parts.

That's a shame.

How much for the Subbuteo, Dennis?

We'll call it 16 quid.

Could we call it 1.76?

No, we fucking couldn't.

How about we give you the 1.76,

-and we pay the rest off in installments? -Yeah.

Which would be, what, 3.56 over four weeks.

Jesus, check out Rain Wain.

Or, you could give us the Subbuteo, and then we could work off the debt.

Yeah, we could do chores and stuff.

Chores? What do you think this is?

Little House on the fucking Prairie?

Do you watch Little House on the Prairie, Dennis?

Get out!

Come on, girls, this is embarrassing.

Well, it's all right for you, Clare, but we want to bunk these lads.

We have to offer them some kind of incentive.

They're not prostitutes, Michelle, and even if they were,

I think a half-eaten packet of Rolos and an Ulster Bank keyring is a pretty insulting form of payment.

I have an HB pencil.

Happy days.

Hi, guys.

That's... that's not what you're giving to the Protestants, is it?

It's just a little token, really.

Yeah, so is ours.

Is that an Ulster Bank keyring?

It is indeed, yeah.

I must admit, I had a bit of an advantage when it came to the whole present buying thing, because--

-You're loaded. -Because I know what they like.

I happen to be very good friends with a half-Protestant.

-What? -They don't come in halves, Jenny.

They do, actually. I met her at ballet class.

Her name's Zara, and she has a horse.

Good for Zara. Bye-bye, now.

Of course she's friends with a half-Protestant. Of course she is.

She has been fucking unbearable since them braces came off.

Dose.

Well, I can make friends with a full-Protestant and see how she likes it.

Zara won't seem quite so impressive next to my thoroughbred, will she, Jenny?!

Relax, Clare.

Why has she got so much money anyway?

Who's her dad? Pierce fucking Brosnan?

He's a surgeon over at Altnagelvin. He took Orla's tonsils out.

And not a day goes by when I don't think about them.

[girls chanting] Give peace a chance! Give peace a chance!

Give peace a chance! Give peace a chance!

Give peace a chance!

No hate! No hate! Let's integrate!

Yay!

-[girls chanting] Give peace a chance! -Kill me.

[girls chanting] Give peace a chance! Give peace a chance!

The Prods have landed.

[rock music playing]

Single file.

You must be Ms. Turner.

That's right. Well, Janet.

Michael. Sister Michael.

-It's a pleasure. -I know.

-Move it. -Shift it.

[kids chatting]

Why is everyone so desperate for them to mix?

I think we should keep them separate.

I think we should keep them in cages.

So, Our Lady Immaculate girls have been split into groups,

A through to F, as have the Londonderry Boys Academy.

[Ms. Turner] We'd like to As to find As, Bs to find Bs, et cetera and so on. It's very straightforward.

However, if that isn't clear, feel free to say so.

But know that you will be judged.

Oh, lads, you really shouldn't have.

I'm starting to see that, all right.

I'm going to keep mine on my bed, where I sleep,

-in me knickers. -Right.

I mean, these are free, for a start. My dad has, like, 45 of them.

We were told it was an all-girls school. You've been a bit short-changed there.

[James] Nah, it's fine, mate.

It's all good, man. I--

-I'll just give it to my bird. -Your bird?

Yeah, she's really... fit and stuff.

Right, OK. Great.

I'm sorry, but is he OK?

Philip's actually deaf.

-Oh. -In one ear.

-[Clare] He's deaf in one ear? -That's right.

Which ear?

That's actually a very inappropriate question.

-Is it? -It is, yeah.

[Protestant boy] Oh, my God! This is the best present ever!

Oh, you guys.

Rolo, anyone?

[Sister Michael] OK, listen up, people.

According to this, you're going to need a... well, they use the term "buddy," for tomorrow's activities.

I bagsie Harry.

What? But that's not fair. He's the only good-looking one.

The rest of us are right here.

You snooze, you lose, Erin.

-I suppose I'll have you, then. -Aren't you a charmer?

So, should us two bad bastards hook up or what?

-I'm sorry? -Um, will you be my buddy, please?

Sure.

Listen, Philip, about the whole "which ear" thing--

It's fine. I'll be your partner.

Great! Um, just to be clear, are you a fully blown Protestant?

Of course.

Oh!

Sister Michael, I don't have a Protestant.

-You'll have to share with James. -[James] What? No.

Look, there just aren't enough Protestants to go 'round.

The mediator is here.

He's... one of your lot.

Not a priest. Ugh.

Quite young. Southern.

Bit of an arsehole, but oh, my God, amazing hair.

Oh, for feck's sake.

♪ Sharp, so sharp... ♪

OK. So, I see a few familiar faces out there.

As some of you may know, I took a bit of a sabbatical last year.

Do you mean when you shacked up with a slutty hairdresser,

-but then she dumped you? -Miss Mallon, please.

Raise your hand if you want to ask a question.

OK, I think we should just move on.

The hairdresser certainly did.

OK, so, this is just a little exercise

-I like to kick off with. -Oh, give me strength.

I want you guys to give me examples of things that Catholics and Protestants have in common, and things that they don't have in common.

Let's start with similarities.

Erin, why don't you get the ball rolling?

OK. So, we both...

Right. So, we all...

Oh, this is actually quite hard.

Anything at all. A small thing, even.

OK. So, right.

I'm actually drawing a blank here, to be honest.

Not to worry. Someone else.

A similarity. Yes?

Protestants are British and Catholics are Irish.

That's actually a difference.

Quite a... well, quite a big difference.

But that's OK. We can write that down.

Now, back to similarities. Yes?

Protestants are richer.

OK, so that's another difference, and I'm not sure that's actually...

I mean, is that true?

I would say so.

Mm, yeah, I suppose that's fair enough.

Yes, great. Off you go.

Catholics really buzz off statues and we don't so much.

I do enjoy a good statue, it has to be said.

So, again, what we have there is a difference.

Oh, Protestants like to march and Catholics like to walk.

OK, can we just-- Jenny, could you just--

Oh, you've already written it down, have you?

Great, thank you, Jenny.

I just want to pause and think about what's in here.

What about the fact that we all feel, and love, and hope, and-- write this down-- we all cry.

We all laugh. We all dream.

So I just want to think along those lines for a moment.

OK.

[boy] Catholics watch RTE.

[girl 1] Protestants love cleaning.

[girl 2] Protestants are taller.

Catholics have more freckles.

Protestants hate ABBA.

OK, thank you.

Let me just rephrase slightly.

Can you think of anything that unites every single person in this room?

[kid coughs]

Is there anything that we all want?

For this to be over.

And we'll wrap it up there.

[electronic music playing]

I'm not sure about this.

I knew you'd fanny out.

These lads have moves, you said so yourself, Michelle.

I haven't got any moves.

Look, let's just get in there, have a few drinks and just loosen up a bit.

No! No loosening up. I don't like it.

Just be confident, Erin. Boys like that.

[Michelle] How the fuck would you know what boys like?

Because I'm a boy, Michelle. I'm a real live boy.

Oh, yeah, like Pinocchio.

[door creaks]

[exhales]

OK.

Listen, be sexy, OK?

Sexy. Right.

[Michelle clears throat]

I said be sexy, not be a fucking blowfish, Erin.

Hello, mate.

We heard you boys are having a party.

-No. -Well, you are now.

♪ Uh-oh, we're in trouble ♪

♪ Something's come along And it's burst our bubble ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah Uh-oh ♪

♪ Move a step closer ♪

♪ You know that I want you ♪

♪ I can tell by... ♪

I really like this one. Have you seen the video--

OK, let's cut the crap, Dee.

-Sorry? -You know why I'm here.

-But before we begin-- -Begin what?

I won't have as many moves as you. I just want to get that out there.

I really don't know--

I haven't put the hours in, and that's not because I'm lazy, it's just not part of our culture.

But if you're OK with that, I'd say we just crack on.

[crunches]

Fancy another beer, mate?

Christ, I just love beer.

Don't you just love beer?

-Yeah, beer's nice. -I love beer and football and poker, and, you know, tits.

-Tits? -Can't get enough of them.

Then again, I am a lad.

Yeah, he may be a lad, Jon, but I can offer you protection.

I have a hunting knife.

Right, OK.

Oy-oy, where you going?

-[Jon] Nature's calling. -Whoa. Number one or number two?

-Excuse me? -Just answer the question, Jon.

I don't want to answer the question. I'm not comfortable with the question.

'Cause if it's a number two, it's safer to bury it.

You don't want a pack of wolves following your scent out in these parts.

Those boys, they'll tear you limb from limb.

-We're inside. -Very sophisticated noses, Jon.

I'm going to go now.

Can't you let me have anything for myself?

No.

[chuckles, clears throat]

Do you want to go somewhere a bit more private?

[chuckles]

I'm not sure that's a good idea.

Why not?

What the fuck's that?

And, I think the reason I was interested in whether you were a fully blown Protestant is because, as far as I'm concerned, you can't be Protestant enough.

I am all for the Protestants. I can't get enough of them.

Protestant mad, I am, and I think-- and I may be running with this-- but I'm sure you really like Catholics.

It's just that we have been conditioned to--

-I don't. -What? You don't?

No. I hate them. I think they're all arseholes.

That's not true. That can't be true.

It is. They're all thick as shit. I despise them. I really do.

OK.

So, how do you want to do this?

Do you want to kick things off, or should I?

Oh, my God, are you coming on to me?!

Is that what this is?

I thought you were having some sort of breakdown.

[running footsteps]

He's wearing a purity bracelet.

What does that mean?

No down below action, that's what it fucking means.

-We have to swap. -Swap?

Yeah, we'll just swap over. You take Harry, I'll take Lee.

-Dee. -Whatever.

-We can't do that. -Why not?

You fancied him first, and your lack of moves won't be an issue.

-That is true. -Aye.

-She's coming. -Who?

The woman. The small, angry penguin woman.

-Sister Michael! -Shit!

-[bottles clinking] -[panicked groans]

Oh, good evening, Sister.

We just popped 'round because we had a few questions about the British Empire, which the boys have cleared up for us now, so--

They weren't talking about the British Empire, Sister.

They were having a party. I could hear the music.

You will go far in life, Jenny.

But you will not be well liked.

Honestly, girls.

I need my eight hours, but I've had Mary Quinn on the phone frying my head and now this.

What?

My mother rang? Why, is everything OK?

Oh, she was very distressed. She wanted me to pass on a message.

And are you gonna?

Oh, fine.

Um... [clears throat]

"Erin, I need some information.

Can you find out, in a subtle way, if Michelle's mother was given the big bowl by someone she has since fallen out with, and if she can no longer bring herself to look at the big bowl because it's just too painful?

All the best, your mother, Mary."

Well?

No.

Shift it. Let's go.

Come on. Quick.

Jenny.

♪ We're gonna be so good ♪

♪ Like only we could... ♪

What's wrong with Clare?

She hasn't said two words since last night.

Well, I'm not complaining.

I just did it for a laugh, the trousers.

I'll do anything for a laugh, me. I'm mad like that.

Right.

Right, there they are.

OK, if we're going to do this, Michelle,

-we need to do it delicately. -Course.

Oy, lads!

We wanna swap.

Brilliant.

-Swap? -[Michelle] Yeah.

Erin's gonna have Harry now, and I'm gonna have you, all right?

Great stuff.

I think we can all agree that for generations there's been a deep lack of trust between your communities, and that's where abseiling comes in.

[mutters] Christ.

Abseiling is a great trust-building exercise, because what you're doing is, you're saying to your buddy,

"Lean on me, I'm here for you."

Now, let me see who's first.

Ah, Clare. Clare Devlin. There you are.

I-I'm not sure about this.

You'll be grand.

[quivering] No, listen, you don't understand.

Now, where's your buddy?

Good man, yourself. Come on up.

[hawk screeching]

[Father Peter] Philip will control Clare's descent by feeding her rope through what's known as a belay device.

So he'll be the one actually dictating the speed of her drop.

I think if it's OK I'd just like to take a moment and just--

Jesus!

[screams]

-Are you ready, Philip? -Oh, yeah.

-[whimpers] -OK, everybody. So, on three...

Seriously, folks, I'm not feeling entirely comfortable with this.

-[Father Peter] One... -[chuckles]

-[Father Peter] Two... -[screams]

Three.

[screams]

Stop! Stop it! Get me out of here!

He's trying to kill me!

He wants to kill us all, all of the Catholics!

Look at his eyes, he's a madman, a Fenian-hating madman!

Don't let the Jaffa bastard hurt me, please!

[crowd gasps, murmurs]

Jesus, Clare.

Fuck-a-doodle-doo.

-[Clare] He said he hated us. -No, I didn't.

Last night you said you hated Catholics. Admit it.

I said, I hated athletes.

Not much of a sports fan.

But we weren't even talking about athletes.

Yeah, well, I thought we were.

Why would you have thought we were talking about athletes?

Because I'm deaf in one ear.

"Catholics" sounds a bit like "athletes," to be fair to him, like.

[crowd] Catholics... athletes...

They're all arseholes.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You tried to swap us.

Because all Protestants are the same, aren't they, girls?

-Yes. -No.

And this guy is really creepy and a bit, sort of, sexist.

And she carries a knife and makes people bury their own excrement.

[boy] Fucking Catholics.

-Who said that? -Who?

[crowd yelling]

Shall we break it up?

Don't touch the hair! Don't touch the hair!

Let's leave it a minute.

[Mary] I just cannot get me head around it.

[Gerry] For the love of God, Mary, it's only a bowl.

Who just gives away their big bowl, Gerry?

It doesn't make sense.

Ah, she's definitely up to something, love.

I have always said that Deirdre Mallon is a bit fly.

-I'd confront her about it. -Oh, I intend to.

Great, do that, then maybe we can lay the whole bloody thing to rest.

Take that tone with her again and I'll lay you to rest, boyo.

[rock music playing]

Do you know what this is about, Geraldine?

As far as I can make out, these lads tried to throw my Clare off a cliff.

Desperate.

You all right, Mary? How's the bowl working out for you?

Great. Great. Thanks very much, Deirdre.

Well, that got to the bottom of it, all right.

[Father Peter] Is that everyone?

Lovely stuff.

OK, so there was a bit of a misunderstanding on the expedition today, which unfortunately led to a physical altercation.

I thought, rather than let it fester, we should talk about it, and start to heal and repair.

So... who'd like to go first?

"Jaffa bastard"? You actually said those words?

It just came out, Mammy.

But why were you threatening people with a knife, love?

OK, one at a time, please.

Well, if you'd wear the bloody hearing aid I paid a fortune for,

-you'd have heard what she said! -It's unbelievable.

Girls. You were fighting with girls?

This is all your fault, Gerry. I knew this would happen.

See that child over there? That child...

♪ Oh, my life ♪

♪ Is changing every day ♪

♪ In every possible way ♪

♪ And oh, my dreams ♪

♪ It's never quite as it seems ♪

♪ Never quite as it seems ♪