Home > Derry Girls

The Concert

[music playing on TV]

God Almighty.

I don't know what the world is coming to.

Bloody perverts.

You're overreacting, Da.

Overreacting? That lad's got no trousers on, for Christ's sake.

He has a great set of pins on him, doesn't he?

God's sake, will you close that window? We're foundered here.

I need air, Mary. I've five layers on me.

Five layers.

What are you trying to do, change race?

Give us a going over with the hairdryer, will you?

I will not, I've enough to be at.

Why do they keep touching themselves?

'Cause they're artists, granddad.

Dirty English bastards is what they are. No offense, son.

[Donna Traynor on TV] The SDLP leader, John Hume, has again called for

cross-party peace talks...

John's really dying for peace, like, isn't he?

It's all he ever goes on about.

I hope it works out for him.

Aye, I sort of hope it works out for all of us, Sarah.

Come on, girls. Time to hit the road here.

Have they roped you into going as well, son?

Roped in? Hardly. He's riding Gary Barlow.

I'm not. I just respect him as a songwriter, that's all.

Aye, dead on, James, so you do.

Will we need our passports, Gerry?

For Belfast? I don't think so, love.

-Belfast? -Are we not a bit early, Daddy?

It's a two-hour drive with traffic, love.

This thing's in Belfast?

It's eight hours till the doors open.

-I know. We're cuttin' it fine. -Belfast?

Sure, why didn't you just sell the wains into white slavery and be done with it?

-Gerry will be with them, Da. -Well, that's worse.

-They hate his kind there. -My kind?

-Pricks. -[Mary] That is enough.

They're going to the concert, Da, and that's the end of the matter.

[Donna Traynor on TV] Finally, panic at Belfast Zoo today,

when a polar bear escaped from its enclosure.

The RUC have launched a widespread search,

and have warned residents in the local area to be extra...

Now will you see sense?

Aye, Da, 'cause an escaped polar bear's gonna track us down and kill us.

As if Mammy's bothered by that.

♪ Sharp, so sharp ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

{\an8}♪ Sharp, so sharp ♪

Wise up, Mammy.

As if a polar bear's gonna rock up at a Take That concert!

He wouldn't get a ticket, for a start. They sold out months ago.

You'd be surprised, girls.

Aye, thon boys will get in where draughts wouldn't.

Sure, the concert's nowhere near the zoo.

But he's not in the zoo anymore, is he, Simple Simon?

He's sauntering about Belfast without a care in the world.

Aye, keep up, Gerry.

What I'm saying is that it would be quite a lot of ground for him to cover.

They're quick on their feet when they wanna be, love.

Someone might give him a lift.

Whose side are you on, Orla?

Come on, Mary. If you don't let Erin go, then our mas won't let us go.

Well, neither they should, and I'll be ringing them to say as much.

-Oh, brilliant! -I hate my life.

Look, girls, I know how much you were looking forward to seeing This and That.

-Take That. -But there'll be other concerts.

No there won't. The fact that this one's happening is a miracle.

Nobody good ever comes here 'cause we keep killing each other.

And now we're overrun with polar bears.

-Where will it end? -Seriously!

Well, I'm not letting that fat furry fuck ruin the biggest day of my life.

What can we do?

Right. Listen, girls.

I've never told anyone this before, but... sometimes, when Robbie's being interviewed, it's like he's sending me messages through the TV-- you know, like, telepathically or whatever.

It's like he's saying... we're meant to be together.

Aye, maybe don't tell that to anyone again, Michelle.

Ever.

Look, this is too important.

I'm going to that concert. I'm not afraid of a fucking polar bear.

-Me neither. -Nor me.

Bastard.

I'll kill it with me own two hands, if I have to.

-Bring it on! -Yes!

[Clare] OK.

We seem to have gone down a weird road here, people.

I think we just got a bit confused.

We don't actually have to fight a polar bear, and if we did, I wouldn't fancy our chances because, well, they're massive.

-But there's five of us. -The point is... the polar bear's not the one stopping us going to the concert.

It's our mothers, and we'll never get them to change their minds.

We're not gonna try and change their minds.

-We're gonna do something else. -What?

Lie our holes off.

♪ I've got the key ♪

♪ I've got the secret ♪

♪ I've got the key to... ♪

We're gonna get caught, I just know it.

We're not gonna get caught, Clare, because as far as our mas are concerned, me, you and James are round Erin's, and Erin and Orla are round mine.

But we're not round yours, Michelle. We're on the bus to Belfast.

I can't.

I cannot explain it to her again. I'm gonna scream.

-What's in the suitcase, Michelle? -Vodka.

You brought an entire suitcase full of vodka?

No.

There's mixers as well. I'm not a savage.

You can mix vodka with cider, right?

God, I am boiling.

Is it any wonder, Clare? What are you wearing?

Yeah, you look like a fucking Provo.

I don't want anyone recognizing me, OK?

No one's gonna recognize you, Clare.

Clare Devlin, is that you?

Jesus Christ.

Relax, Clare. It's the weekend.

She has no authority over us at the weekend.

She has no right to question us, and if she tries to, I'll tell her as much.

-Morning, girls. -[all] Morning, Sister Michael.

What takes you to Belfast?

-I'm not really sure that's-- -Speak up.

I'm not really sure that that's any of your business.

I'm going to assume that was an ill-judged attempt at humor, Miss Quinn.

-[whispers] Yes. -Now answer the question.

-We're going to the museum. -Which museum?

-Ulster Museum. -What for?

-A project. A history project. -What about?

Ulster.

Hmm.

[all sigh]

♪ Better the devil you know ♪

-♪ Better the devil you know ♪ -♪ Whoa oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh oh... ♪

A history project.

This web of lies we're spinning is getting out of control now, girls.

It's grand, Clare. I think she bought it.

Of course she didn't buy it. She's onto us, I'm telling you.

-God, I'm sweltering here. -Then take it off.

I can't take it off, I've nothing underneath it.

What, not even a bra?

Jesus, Clare, you've no bra on?

Of course, I've got a bra on.

I haven't got a bra on.

Can everyone stop saying "bra"?

But I can hardly parade around in just my bra, can I?

I'm not Madonna.

{\an8}-Isn't that the truth? -What's she doing now?

{\an8}-[James] Reading her book. -[laughing]

Now she's looking at the woman beside her.

Now she's getting up.

Now she's coming this way.

Now she's standing right in front of us.

-What's he doing? -Now she's--

Stop talking, James.

I want to sit here.

What? Why?

Well, you're just such wonderful company, girls, what with your stimulating conversation and razor-sharp wit.

-Really? -No, not really.

The woman next to me is eating an egg and onion sandwich, and the smell of it is enough to turn an Orange march.

-Christ, but this is heavy. -Sister, no, let me.

-What do you have in here, girls? -It's not ours.

Not yours?

We have never seen it before in our lives, have we, girls?

-No. -[Michelle and James] Never.

Excuse me, everyone. Can I have your attention, please?

Does anyone own this red suitcase?

[all] No.

Let me be clear. No one can claim this bag, is that correct?

[all] That's correct.

I think we have a Code Red on our hands.

Driver, pull over.

♪ Do do-do doo ♪

♪ Do do-do doo... ♪

[soldier over radio] ...in position.

Examining suspect device now.

Sweet Jesus.

-Aye, this isn't great. -It's not that big a deal.

They're about to blow up an entire suitcase of vodka, Michelle.

I know. Animals.

Their wee beekeeper costumes are so cracker.

You're unbelievable.

This is so itchy now.

Don't blame me. Blame the Milk Tray Man.

This is serious, Michelle. People have gone to jail for less.

Why is this place so mental?

That's enough, James.

You have serious fucking anger management issues.

Do you know that?

-[explosion] -[breaking glass]

33 Bravo, this is 31 Alpha, over. [radio beeps]

[soldier 2 over radio] I hear you, over.

[soldier 1 over radio] All clear here, over.

Roger. Let's pack it up. Over.

[soldier 1 over radio] Powerful smell of vodka down here, over.

Vodka, did he say?

Interesting.

OK. We need to go.

We need a better plan.

This is a great plan.

We cannot walk to Belfast.

How far could it be?

Have you ever seen Northern Ireland on a map? It's fucking tiny.

I have to say, I'm not overly keen on us being out in the open like this, just because of the whole there's-a-polar-bear-on-the-loose- that-could-maul-us-to-death thing.

It can try.

Is it just me, or is that gypsy an absolute ride?

-[Erin] Michelle, you cannot say that. -[Michelle] What?

They're called travelers now.

You can't say "gypsy" anymore. It's insulting.

-Is it? -Yes, yes it is.

-Really? -[James] Who are they?

They're just people, James. They're just people exactly like us.

-Except different. -Yes. No.

[gasps] That's actually racist, Orla.

No, it's not. They are different.

-[Erin] They're not. -Well, they live in caravans, for a start.

I wish I lived in a caravan.

Aye, me too. Caravans are class.

Can everybody stop being so racist, please?

I'm a bit scared of them. Is that racist?

-Yes. -Very much so.

-Is gypsy even a race? -Traveler.

Howya, girls.

-Well, hello there. -Hi.

Good afternoon, sir.

"Sir"? What the fuck, Clare?

Hey, hold on.

-What does he want? -I don't know.

I'm talking to you.

Just walk on.

Hey, are you deaf or what?

Keep your heads down and keep walking.

Get back here!

Faster. Walk faster.

Am I gonna have to come after you, am I?

Jesus Christ, he's following us.

-Holy fuck. -[Erin] Run!

-[James] What? -He's obviously a psychopath. Run!

[Michelle] He looks fucking raging.

I don't want to die!

[screaming] I don't want to die!

-This is some craic, isn't it? -[James] Holy shit they're fast!

Piss off!

What?!

Back off, you hear me? I'm not messing around with this thing.

We mean you no harm, sir.

Seriously, Clare. The "sir" thing, just pack it in.

-Why you being so weird? -Why are you chasin' us?

Because you dropped this.

That's my purse.

Why did you think we were chasing you?

All right. I see.

We're travelers, which means we're psychopaths.

-Oh, you were right, Erin. -Shut up, Orla.

We run after people and beat them up, for no fucking reason.

No, look, that isn't--

We're travelers, so we're obviously violent!

No, not at all.

Listen, we have huge respect for you and your people.

You've such a strong sense of community, and such wonderful traditional values.

[horn honking]

These lads bothering you girls?

-Yes, yes they are. -They're fucking madmen.

-They're gonna kill us. -Help us, please.

[spits]

Jump in.

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be all right ♪

♪ All right, all right... ♪

Arseholes.

♪ ...be all right ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Everything's gonna be all right ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ It's really all right ♪

♪ No don't be so sad ♪

♪ 'Cause love is by your side ♪

♪ No don't be so... ♪

We totally suit.

Have you ever actually met them, Rita, Take That?

No, I can't stand them, if I'm being honest, but their fans are so thick they'll buy any old shite, present company included.

I think you mean "excluded."

No, no I don't.

I see.

Pop music isn't really my thing, truth be told.

It's all so fucking soulless now.

I'm a classical head all the way, but I've been banned from trading at Glyndebourne ever since I absolutely battered that Pavarotti fan, and when I say battered, I mean intellectually like.

I did kick the shit out of him as well.

Pavo's "La Boheme" is very muscular, but for purity of tone, you simply cannot fault Bocelli!

I mean, listen to that, girls.

Pass the can there.

The can of... oh, beer. I see.

Alcoholic beer.

[slurps]

Oh, that's fucking beautiful.

While driving. OK. Fine. Good.

Mmm. What a fucking instrument.

{\an8}Glorious!

Any idea what the speed limit is around here?

Robie?

Close your eyes, girls, and soak it up.

Sure, of course, but maybe you could soak it up with your eyes open and, you know, on the road.

[opera music blaring]

[opera music continues]

Erin, what are we gonna do?

I don't know. She's fucking mental.

She spelled "Robbie" wrong on every single T-shirt.

-What?! -How are we gonna break it to her?

That's what you're worried about, Clare?

At this very second, that's what's concerning you, a spelling mistake?

I find it disturbing, Erin.

Tell you what, girls.

I don't believe in God, but, see, if I did...

Um, she's lost the plot.

...that's what He would sound like.

We should have took our chances with the gypsies.

-Travelers. Ooph. -[thud]

[gasping]

Jesus Christ.

-What was that? -Did we hit something?

Oh, my God, it's the polar bear!

Not again.

Get it shifted, girls.

[Michelle] This is rank.

[Clare] Then why are we doing it?

Because Rita told us to, and I'm scared of her, Clare.

I'm very, very scared of her.

Why's it so heavy? Aren't they meant to be 90% wool?

Just put your back into it.

The sooner this is done, the sooner we're back in the van and on our way to see Robbie.

"Robie." I mean, it so obviously doesn't look right.

I am not getting back in that van, Michelle. The woman is a maniac.

We've come this far. We're not turning back.

-Oh, Jesus Christ. -What is it?

I just put my hand on its hole.

Fuck this. Let's just make James do it, the lazy bastard.

-[all agreeing] -[thud]

Where is James?

[all talking at once]

Will you shut the fuck up?

OK.

So, as far as I can make out, you think you left this James character with the gypsies.

Travelers.

The small, annoying one thinks we should go back for him because... ?

They were so angry with us, he could be in danger, Rita.

And the mouthy curly one thinks we shouldn't because... ?

-Because he's a dickhead, Rita. -See, it's tricky.

Come on, Michelle!

If we go back for him, we're gonna miss the start of the concert.

But he's your cousin.

Who hasn't lost a cousin or two in their time?

OK, OK.

So, who agrees with Tiny Tears? Who thinks we should go back?

-Orla! -I like James.

I like Take That more.

Make a fucking decision. I've T-shirts to flog.

Come on, girls. It's Take That we're talking about.

I know, it's just--

[Michelle] You said it yourself, Erin, the greats don't come here.

We never got to see Bros, New Kids on the Block, Right Said Fred.

Let's not add Take That to that list.

We can't turn back. There's too much at stake.

-James has the tickets. -Shit!

[Donna Traynor on TV] Despite John Hume's optimism

earlier today,

the DUP leader, Ian Paisley, has said

that under no circumstances will his party sit at the same table as Sinn Féin,

making all party talks impossible.

[Mary] I can't take it anymore.

All these false promises, waiting week after week, hoping today might be the day, only to be disappointed.

Don't upset yourself, love. It's just a wheelie bin.

It'll change my life, Gerry.

And Strabane's had them for months.

{\an8}I mean, what's going on there?

{\an8}Who's pulling the strings for Strabane?

I mean, it's against the Trades Description Act.

The label said mahogany. Sure, that's barely oak.

Jesus, but I'm fuming, so I am.

-He's gaining ground. -[Sarah] What?

The polar bear.

Margo Murphy's niece saw him just outside the Abrakebabra in Coleraine, apparently.

-That close? -I'll get the holy water.

Sarah, buzz Michelle's mother there.

Tell her we need our wains back.

I will surely, Daddy.

Then we'll barricade the front door, and if the worse comes to worst,

Jim across the road lent me his tranquilizer gun.

Nobody's picking up.

Why does Jim across the road have a tranquilizer gun?

His brother had an awful lot of bother with devil worshippers.

Excuse me?

Aye, they set up camp on his farm, and he couldn't shift them for love nor money, so Jim bought a couple of guns and just...

What, shot them?

Aye. I think it worked, you know.

I imagine it would, yeah.

I'm not convinced they were devil worshippers, you know.

Sure their hair had never seen a brush and they were head to toe in tie-dye, Mary.

Jesus Christ.

OK, I think we all just need to take a moment.

[knock at the door]

Don't answer. That might be him. That might be the polar bear!

Yeah, because they're known for their impeccable manners.

They might come into your house and rip your throat out, but they'll knock on the door first.

Could you please stop pointing that thing at me, Joe?

Da.

Ach, Geraldine.

I hope you don't mind. Your front door was open.

Can you believe this bloody polar bear?

At our wits' end over at our place.

It's desperate, so it is.

[knock at the door]

Mary, Gerry.

Come on in, Deirdre, love, it's open.

Can you credit this arsehole?

He's gonna hold this whole town hostage, you mark my words.

He's an evil bastard, Deirdre.

Look, I just want to get my two back home, if that's all right, Mary.

Aye, same here. You wouldn't mind getting Clare for me?

What are you talking about?

Ssh! Listen.

[Donna Traynor on TV] A polar bear

that escaped from Belfast Zoo this morning has been recaptured.

A group of firefighters who were helping with the search

discovered the animal close to the A6, between Belfast and Londonderry,

feasting on a sheep carcass.

Oh, thank God for that.

Ah, better leave Jim's gun back so.

Michelle, James and Clare, did they tell you they were coming round here?

Aye, that's right.

The wee feckers.

[horn honking]

What are you playing at? Get in the van, fucko.

You don't have to if you don't want to, James.

With all due respect, this has got nothing to do with you.

The way you treat this fella, it's disgraceful.

What is going on, James?

Jonjo and the lads, well, they just get me.

And it turns out, I'm a really good salesman.

He's a natural.

So, what, you're a gypsy now?

Traveler!

-Actually, gypsy's fine. -I knew it.

Let's get a move on!

Right. Get in the van, come on.

And do not test me 'cause we've already missed PJ and Duncan.

-Is that who was supporting them? -Aye.

Oh, I really like them!

I'm not leaving, Michelle.

Not even for Gary Barlow?

I don't really rate him as a songwriter, you know.

I'm sorry, Jonjo, but you just crossed the line there.

[coins jingle]

♪ Sharp, so sharp ♪

♪ Ooh hoo ♪

♪ Sharp, so sharp ♪

My Michelle is gonna be wishing she was mauled to death by that thing when I get my hands on her.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I mean, they say that all teenagers are a bit rebellious, but Clare's off the scale. She's basically a delinquent.

Have you considered adoption, Geraldine?

She's 16, Sarah. Sure, she's past the cut-off.

[Donna Traynor on TV] And finally, amazing scenes

in the King's Hall this evening as the British pop sensations Take That

play their first ever Northern Irish concert.

♪ Everything changes but you... ♪

Girls, we just need some cold, hard proof they went to that concert, and then, by Christ they won't know what's hit them.

[screaming and cheering]

♪ Now don't you cry ♪

♪ Just one more kiss ♪

♪ Before I have to go... ♪

[laughs]

♪ ...don't go ♪

♪ And give my love away ♪

♪ ...I'll be home soon ♪

♪ Back in your arms To hear you say that ♪

♪ Everything changes but you ♪

♪ We're a thousand miles apart ♪

♪ And I miss you, baby ♪

♪ Everything changes but you ♪

♪ You know every single day ♪

♪ I'll be thinking about you ♪

♪ The rumors true ♪

♪ You know that there've been others ♪

♪ What can I do ♪

♪ I tell you, baby They don't mean a thing ♪

♪ Now, girl, don't go... ♪