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The President

["The Star-Spangled Banner" plays]

{\an8}[radio announcer] The President of the United States,

Bill Clinton, a committed supporter of the peace process,

will visit both sides of the community during his trip to Belfast,

before traveling to Londonderry.

[Granda Joe] He's here!

He's here! He's landed!

I know he has, Da.

And look at the state of the place.

I'd better tell Jim across the road.

Christ, I'm at my wits' end.

Firstly, he's not coming to Derry until tomorrow.

Have you seen the hack of those skirting boards, Gerry?

I'd need a week to tackle them.

And secondly, I think it's unlikely he'll call to our house.

He might call, Gerry.

Aye, he might take a notion.

I think presidential visits are quite carefully planned.

I'm not sure there's an awful lot of room for notion-taking.

Hope you're right, Gerry, for it's like Beirut in here.

I mean, when was the last time these were bleached?

I couldn't hand Hillary that.

I'd say she keeps her place shining, Mary.

Sure, she'd put you to shame.

Right, we need to clear this table.

Jim's bringing his equipment over.

-What equipment? -Them old radio transmitters he collects.

Him and Daddy think they can tap into the CIA system on them.

Excuse me?

Jim really buzzes off radio contact.

You cannot tap the CIA, Joe.

It'll make tracking Clinton down much easier.

Right. I don't think the CIA enjoy people tracking the President down.

I think they can get funny about that type of stuff.

Well, let them try and bloody stop me.

They will stop you, Joe. They're the CIA.

I won't miss my chance. Not again.

You hear me, boy?

What the hell is he planning to do?

When JFK came to Dublin, Uncle Colm met him. Daddy didn't.

Things are going to be different this time, I tell you.

JFK spoke to Colm? Christ, that man didn't have much luck, did he?

I'm not sure any of us will get to meet Bill or Hillary.

Some sense at last.

They'll be far too busy.

That's why we've decided to take Chelsea off their hands.

What?

We're going to bring her to Lisnagelvin swimming pool.

-The wave machine's been fixed. -Lovely.

Hope she remembers her swimming cap, Erin.

They've got dead strict about swimming caps.

And that wain has some head of hair on her.

Dear Jesus.

-Any word from Chelsea? -Not yet.

We sent that letter over a week ago.

Are you sure you got the address right?

Chelsea Clinton, the White House, America.

It just doesn't make any sense.

Did you send it first class?

We're not made of money, Michelle.

-♪ Christmastime ♪ -♪ Silent night ♪

-♪ Mistletoe and wine ♪ -♪ Holy night ♪

♪ Children singing Christian rhyme ♪

♪ With logs on the fire ♪

♪ And gifts on the tree ♪

♪ A time to rejoice ♪

♪ In the good that we see ♪

That totally just wrecked my buzz.

Great stuff altogether.

A fitting rendition of what I consider to be the most godawful song ever written.

Just one announcement today, girls.

I'm sure many of you will have guessed what it's about.

Although tomorrow is not officially a public holiday, schools across the city have decided to view it as such because tomorrow the President of the United States of America is coming here, to Derry.

You're a little young to perhaps understand the enormity of this.

A few short months ago, this would have been unimaginable, but here we are... and I for one can barely believe it.

I mean, people in this place stop killing each other for five minutes, and the whole world loses the absolute run of itself.

This visit concerns me for a number of reasons, girls, but mostly because I am scared it will give the Pope ideas, and that's the last thing I need. No.

Our Lady Immaculate will play no part in this farce, and I expect to see you all here tomorrow morning, business as usual.

Is that clear?

[all murmuring]

Is that clear?

Yes, Sister Michael.

And the Father, Son, Holy Spirit...

She can't do this.

-She simply cannot do this. -Well, she's done it, Clare.

But it's history. She's making us miss history.

Ach, but I really wanted to find out what that Cromwell fella got up to next.

I really enjoy him.

Not history class, Orla.

Real history. History being made.

And Irish people aren't allowed to enjoy Oliver Cromwell, Orla.

-Why? -'Cause he was a fuckin' arsehole.

Look, Bill doesn't even get here till four o'clock tomorrow.

"Bill"? Who are you, his ma?

We've got plenty of time, is all I'm saying.

Do you know how packed that Guildhall Square's gonna be, James?

You'd have to camp overnight just to get a glimpse of him.

Chelsea will sort us out.

-I'm not sure I trust Chelsea anymore. -Aye, Chelsea might be flaky.

She does have crafty eyes.

OK, I'm not comfortable with the Chelsea bashing, girls.

This is the biggest thing that's ever happened here, that's ever likely to happen here. We should be part of it.

We will be.

Are you suggesting we play truant?

OK, normal people don't call it that, but yes. Yes, I am.

You know what, girls?

Sometimes in order to do the right thing, you have to do the wrong thing, and on this occasion, right is wrong and wrong is right.

What the fuck are you on about?

Are you going to sack off school or not?

Let's do it.

[Dennis] That'll be £1.99.

Right.

Is there some sort of a problem here, girls?

Not a problem, as such. More of a-a-a question, really.

You think I'm here to answer questions, do you?

Who am I, Magnus fucking Magnusson?

He doesn't answer questions, he asks them.

Pipe the fuck down.

It's just it's pink, white and purple, Dennis.

-So? -Well, it should be red, white and blue.

-Says who? -The rest of the world.

There's also quite a few stars missing.

-No, there's not. -There's only 30 stars here.

There should be 50, because the stars represent the states, so--

-Some of them left. -Some states left!

-That's right. -Some states left America.

-Yep. -When did this happen?

The other day.

God, that's desperate.

I don't know,

I just feel like if 20 states left the USA, we might have heard about it.

They didn't want to make it into a big thing.

So, these are the new, modern, up-to-date flags.

They've just brought them out.

OK. It's just, well, I'm not convinced that's actually true.

Well, why would I lie?

Because you bought a fuckload of dud flags, and you're trying to get rid of them.

Get out!

What first attracted him to a career in retail, do you think?

[brakes squeak, grind]

Hello there.

Why don't you hop in?

Oh, come on now. Don't be shy.

Help! Stranger! Stranger danger!

Jesus Christ, Erin.

Help! This woman is trying to abduct us!

Help! Fire! There's a fire!

Fire? What the fuck are you on about?

It gets more attention. I read it somewhere.

-Kidnapper! -Help! Fire!

Help! There's a kidnapper on fire!

Will yous all just shut the fuck up? It's fine.

She's not a kidnapper.

Well, who is she?

My Aunt Cathy.

Hello, Mum.

[radio static, indistinct chatter]

[radio static continues]

[TV reporter] The Prime Minister said

that it quite clearly helped to revive...

What exactly is the plan over there?

They're trying to discover the location of the presidential basecamp.

Does that mean which hotel he's staying in?

I think so, aye.

What kept you two?

We have some serious scandal, Mammy.

I'm not interested in any of your old schoolgirl gossip, Erin.

I am.

We just met James' mammy.

Cathy Maguire's back? Really?

She tried to set us on fire.

-She did what?! -She didn't.

Jesus, but she's no shame.

Tell me this, wains. How were the eyebrows?

-[Erin] What do you mean? -The eyebrows.

Were they looking well?

I didn't really notice her eyebrows.

Cathy Maguire had the best eyebrows in Derry back in her day.

She could have given Joan Crawford a run for her money.

Isn't that right, Mary?

I've no time for Cathy Maguire.

The woman abandoned her own wain, Sarah.

She always was one cold, self-serving, wee madam.

I'm not talking about her. I'm talking about her eyebrows.

Cathy and her eyebrows are two separate entities.

All right, don't be gettin' worked up.

I just think you should be able to compliment a woman's eyebrows without having her personality dragged into it.

-[doorbell] -Fine, her eyebrows were exceptional.

Thank you.

[Erin yelling] It's Uncle Colm!

Dear God, no.

Everything all right, Colm?

Oh, God, aye.

Well, the old knee's giving me a bit of jip, but sure, I'll not bore you with the details.

I doubt that.

I felt a twinge there this morning, and I says to myself, says I,

"Colm, you'll need to get that seen to.

You can't let that go," for-- and you'll maybe not remember this, girls, but Maggie Murphy felt a twinge on a Monday, and on the Thursday of the very same week, sure didn't she drop dead at the bingo?

And her sitting on a full house, too.

But sure, you can't take it with you, as they say.

God rest her soul.

Is there something we can do for you, Colm?

Oh, I just called round to help with this CIA business.

Who told you about that?

[clears throat] I did, Joe.

Why?

Look, Colm's met JFK.

He has experience with presidents. He'll know what to do.

No chance.

I'm sorry, Colm, but you can't be part of this.

If you meet Bill Clinton, you'll be a president up.

You'll have two presidents to my one.

I can't have you getting ahead of me, president-wise.

One of his presidents is dead.

-It still counts. -Ssh!

I'll have to even things up again.

[Jim] Ssh, Joe.

I can't spend the rest of my life traipsing about after bloody presidents.

I've other things to be at, girls.

Shut up, Joe.

What the blazes is wrong with you? Mouth!

I think I've got something.

Don't toy with me now, Jim.

[garbled voices on radio, static]

Aye, it was a CIA agent, all right.

He said they're taking Bill back to base, and I know where it is.

We need to move quickly.

-You still OK to drive us? -What?

We need someone to stay in the car, in case things don't go to plan.

So, a getaway driver, essentially.

We're talking worst-case scenario.

We're talking no-case scenario!

[Gerry] Just doesn't make any sense, Jim.

I heard him say it. As clear as day it was.

Burt. Why would they bring him to Burt?

Well, that's what's so clever about it.

Nobody's gonna go looking for the President of the U.S.A. in Burt now, are they?

If you went about saying Bill Clinton was in Burt, people would think you were clean mad.

Precisely.

Look, lads, if you want my opinion--

-We don't. -Grand.

This Clinton boyo is actually America's 42nd president, which is interesting, now, because JFK, well, he was the 35th.

Why is that interesting?

Well, it's not really, I suppose.

Sometimes I'll just say something to get me from one sentence to the other, Joe.

You know how it is.

Shall we just stop here on the left?

I'm not sure what number Nixon was now, or your man-- what you call him?-- the beardy fella in the hat, the one that knocked the old slavery on the head.

-Lincoln. -The very boy.

But then, there was the 27th...

...America's 30th, and then there was the lad they named all the vacuum cleaners after.

Jesus wept. How much further, Jim?

It should be just up here on the left.

♪ ...up next you ♪

♪ When I go out... ♪

We're back in the same place.

And Kennedy, of course, the poor critter.

How?

Lovely fella. Hands on him like shovels.

How the feck are we back in the same feckin' place?

What's going on?

I've driven 178 miles, and I'm back where I was five feckin' hours ago, Joe.

-That's what's going on. -You stupid bloody eejit.

Thon Reagan character, he was another--

Stop listing presidents, Colm!

He'll list presidents if he wants to list presidents.

Ah, there it is!

Roscarna Road! That's it! That's what they said!

Well-spotted, Jim.

Good man yourself, Jim.

So, where would we be without you, Jim?

♪ But I would walk 500 miles ♪

♪ And I would walk 500 more ♪

♪ Just to be the man... ♪

Daddy and Gerry not back yet?

They must have had a few drinks and lost track of time.

You know what Bill's like.

God, aye, any excuse to whip out the old saxophone.

-We'd better hit the Guildhall. -You're a bit early, are you not?

Clare's been there since five this morning, Mammy.

It's gonna be jammed.

Anything from Chelsea, girls?

Not a dickybird, Mammy.

It's her loss. That wave machine is absolutely cracker.

Ach, well, at least yous were given the day off, that's something.

We weren't give the day off, Mammy, we're playing truant.

Very good, Orla!

Truant! What is she not, Mary?

-[doorbell] -[Mary] It's open. C'mon in.

All right?

I hope you don't mind, Mrs. Quinn, but...

Ach, Cathy, it's yourself.

-Long time, girls. -It is indeed.

And fair play to you, Cathy.

You've kept them eyebrows shipshape, so you have.

-Credit where credit's due. -Ach, you're too kind, Sarah.

I'm serious. They're in great nick.

That must be some comfort to you.

I'm sorry?

We heard about your wee divorce. Nightmare.

Yeah, it was a difficult decision, but Paul, my ex, well, he just became so controlling.

Jesus. Really?

He was unbearable towards the end.

It was always, "Oh, Cathy, why did you stay out all night?" or "Who was that man you were having dinner with, Cathy?"

He was very insecure.

Wonder why.

I mean James' father was the same.

I just seem to attract the possessive, jealous types. I don't know what it is.

It's the eyebrows.

Anyway, I hate to impose on you, but I just need to make a quick call, and unbelievably, my sister doesn't have a phone.

She got rid of it when we racked up that massive bill ringing Russell Grant's horoscope line.

Didn't see that coming.

James said that you wouldn't mind if I just...

Of course not. Work away.

You're a brick. [laughs] Let me just find my Filofax.

[whispers] A brick?

Are you staying with your Deirdre, then?

Yes, I am, and it's a bloody nightmare, if I'm being honest with you.

I'd forgotten just how small these little houses are.

I really don't know how you do it.

Oh, we struggle through, Cathy, in our teeny tiny house.

But it's all worth it if I get to see my big, handsome boy. [laughs]

He's gonna be the only man in my life from now on.

Aye, right.

I've just missed him so much.

Well, you did dump him here, quite a long time ago.

Mum's had a lot going on.

Yeah.

I've actually just started my own business.

It's been a real passion project, a real labor of love, and it's really starting to take off now, so...

Right. And what sort of area is it?

Self-adhesive labels.

Stickers?

I design high-end, self-adhesive labels.

-You make stickers. -For bespoke gift packages.

-You're a sticker maker? -No. They're not stickers, exactly.

Would there be much money in sticker-making, Cathy?

They're not stickers. Labels. They're labels.

I think it's gonna do really well.

We'd better get going before Clare cacks herself.

You go on, love. You do your thing.

[kisses] See you later.

Before you head, I got you a couple of American flags.

-They're on the sideboard there. -Thank you, Sarah.

They're the new ones, so they are.

They've only just brought them out.

Yes!

[knocks on door]

[Joe] Bill?

[knocks on door]

You in there?

No sign of life, Joe.

What are you at?

Thought I told you to stay in the car.

Would it be worth maybe checking next door, Jim?

Right.

So the Clintons are staying in a taxi rank in the arsehole of nowhere is the thinking now, is it?

It is, Gerry, aye.

Fantastic.

♪ Didn't they say that I would make a mistake ♪

♪ Didn't they say you were gonna be trouble... ♪

Barry, come in. Come in, Barry. Barry, come in.

[bell on door dings]

-Excuse me, son. -Where to?

We were just wondering, have you seen the Clintons knocking about around here?

The Clintons?

We have reason to believe they're staying in this vicinity.

What would the Clintons be doing in Burt?

Heading to chapel, Bill?

Aye.

Anyone free to pick up Bill from base, over?

[radio crackles]

Anyone near base at all, over?

[voice on radio] Aye, back in five.

-[dispatcher] Five minutes, Bill. -Good.

Now, Jim, would you be open to the following possibility at all, that it may not have been a CIA agent you were picking up on that transmitter of yours, that there is in fact a good chance it was a taxi dispatcher from Burt ordering a car here to bring Bill to mass?

Well, he did have a strong Donegal accent, now that you mention it.

Jesus, Jim.

No.

Ach.

It's the best spot. I got the best spot.

What happened to your face?

See that bitch over there?

[Erin] That wee girl?

She tried to muscle in. Things got ugly.

She'll think twice next time.

You didn't fight that wain, did you, Clare?

I did fight that wain, Erin, and I'll fight that wain again if I have to.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

People have been circling this spot like vultures.

I've managed to hold them off so far, but it's only gonna get tougher.

We must show no weakness. We must be as one.

-Are you on glue? -Come on, link up.

Come on, James.

I need to talk to you, to all of you.

-Later, James. -It can't wait.

Just fuck up and link on.

I'm leaving. I'm going back to London with Mum.

When?

Now. I have to go now.

The taxi's booked.

Sorry, it was all decided so quickly.

I don't understand.

He's not serious.

I am.

You can't leave, James.

This was always gonna happen.

This was never my real life, it was just something that got in the way of it.

What are you talking about? You love it here.

I'm not sure I do.

I think I just developed Stockholm syndrome.

Catch yourself on. You've never even been to Switzerland.

Listen, I'll never forget this place.

I have to go home now. It's time.

Goodbye, girls.

Oh, I don't fucking think so somehow, dick face.

Oy! Wank features.

Michelle, please.

"Goodbye, girls"? Wise the fuck up.

What do you want me to say?

She'll let you down again. You do realize that.

She's asked me to be a partner in her business, actually, Michelle, so...

Now it makes sense.

She needs you to help flog her fuckin' stickers.

Self-adhesive labels.

Free labor, that's what she's after.

You know she only thinks about herself, James.

And when it doesn't work out, what then?

It will work out.

Anyway, it's not like I belong here. I never did.

That's not true.

You're a Derry Girl now, James.

Piss off.

I'm serious.

It doesn't matter that you've got that stupid accent, or that your bits are different to my bits, because being a Derry Girl, well, it's a fucking state of mind.

And you're one of us.

I have to do this.

But I don't want you to.

She's my mum, Michelle.

Well, fuck off, then.

-♪ Stay now ♪ -♪ Baby, if you've got to go away... ♪

This is shocking.

I mean, what is everybody playing at?

What are we playing at?

I'm sorry?

Come on, Jenny.

For once, the world will be watching us for all the right reasons.

You'll get into trouble, Aisling.

I don't care.

-♪ I don't think I can take the pain ♪ -♪ Stay now ♪

-♪ Won't you stay another day ♪ -♪ Stay now ♪

♪ Stay now, stay now ♪

♪ Oh, don't leave me alone like this ♪

-♪ Don't you say it's the final kiss ♪ -♪ Stay now ♪

♪ Won't you stay another day... ♪

[crowd chanting] We want Bill! We want Bill!

[footsteps approaching]

What are you doing here?

You told us we had to come in, Sister.

Oh, for God's sake, Jenny.

You need to learn when to push back.

What?

Get out of here. Go on, now.

[crowd chanting] We want Bill! We want Bill!

♪ So the world goes round... ♪

You'll be glad to get out of this dive, love. I know I am.

♪ They say the sky... ♪

[John Hume] Ladies and gentlemen,

it is my pleasure to introduce

the President of the United States of America!

I see him! I see him!

You're facing the wrong way, Orla.

No, no, look. It's James!

[indistinct] I'm a Derry Girl!

What's he saying?

I don't know.

I am a Derry Girl!

[man] You're a fuckin' prick, that's what you are!

♪ If all you told was turned to gold ♪

♪ If all you dreamed was new ♪

♪ Imagine sky ♪

♪ High above... ♪

[Bill Clinton VO] Standing here in front of the Guildhall,

looking out over these historic walls,

I see a peaceful city, a safe city,

a hopeful city full of young people

that should have a peaceful and prosperous future,

here where their roots and families are.

That is what I see, today with you.

[crowd cheering]

And so I ask you

to build on the opportunity you have before you,

to believe that the future can be better than the past,

to work together because you have so much more to gain

by working together, than by drifting apart.

Have the patience to work for a just

and lasting peace.