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The Nagus

Shoes.

( door opens )

Jake, I've got a terrific surprise for you.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

The two of us are going to Bajor for the start of the Gratitude Festival.

What's the Gratitude Festival?

It's the biggest Bajoran holiday of the year.

Major Kira says it's pretty spectacular.

And I figured while we were on the surface, we could visit those fire caverns you've been wanting to see.

Sounds great. When do we leave?

This afternoon, right after school.

For how long?

Three days.

Three days?

Computer, orange juice.

Dad, do I have to go?

Well, no... not if you don't want to.

Thanks, Dad.

Nog and I kind of have plans for tomorrow.

What kind of plans? There's an Andorian freighter due in for a maintenance check tomorrow night.

An Andorian freighter?

Uh, it's supposed to be carrying a shipment of those new antigrav tractors.

We're hoping we'll get a chance to see one.

Uh, let me get this straight.

You would rather hang around a cargo bay with Nog than visit the Bajoran fire caverns with the old man?

Nog's my friend.

No need to thank me, madam.

Here at Quark's customer satisfaction is our primary concern.

Now, you run along back to the dabo table.

Rom, that lady tells me she misplaced a fat currency pouch.

Yes, brother? And that you found it.

Yes, brother.

And that you returned it to her intact.

I was dazzled by her beauty.

You worthless, tiny-eared fool.

Don't you know the First Rule of Acquisition?

Yes, brother. Then say it.

"Once you have their money, you never give it back."

Exactly.

You can ponder its meaning this evening while polishing every rail in the place.

Now get out of my sight before I toss you out the nearest airlock.

( growling )

Nog!

( crashing and clattering )

Is this what they teach you at that human school of yours?

Sloth and indolence?

No, Father. We'll see about that.

Tonight, you'll polish every rail in the place until they sparkle. Is that clear?

Yes, Father, tonight-- every rail.

And, so, the Andorian says,

"Your brother? I thought it was your wife."

Get it? "Wife..."

( laughing )

Had to think about that one, didn't you?

I'm looking for Quark.

You found him.

I'm Krax, and this is my father, Grand Nagus Zek.

Tell me, is the Grand Nagus here on business or pleasure?

Is there a difference?

No, of course not.

My father will reveal the purpose of his visit when he sees fit.

As for now, he desires the use of a holosuite.

He's heard that some of your programs are quite alluring.

Oh, they are, they are.

But, uh, they may prove a touch energetic for his advanced years.

Are you refusing his request?

Not at all, not at all.

Is there a particular activity he'd like to sample?

The Nagus dislikes having to choose between so many delightful possibilities.

In that case... ( snaps fingers )

Here's a list of five programs that rank among my personal favorites.

I'd be happy to select one for him.

That won't be necessary.

The Nagus has decided to try all five.

( chuckling )

( kids laughing and chattering )

Sorry I'm late, but the transporter in Ops needed a minor adjustment in its upper molecular imaging scanner.

( laughter continues )

But never mind that.

All right, let's settle down.

Let's settle down!

Jake, Nog!

What we do is....

Nog!

Thank you.

Now, we only have two more weeks to get through before Mrs. O'Brien returns from Earth.

So that shouldn't be too difficult.

Right?

Right. Let's get out our homework padds.

We'll begin with the older students.

Your last assignment was to write an essay defining the term "ethics."

Let's start with...

Nog.

I don't have my essay.

Why not?

My padd was stolen.

Is that a fact?

Any idea who stole it?

It happened at Quark's.

I put it on a table, and there were some Vulcans nearby... Hold on.

You're saying Vulcans stole your homework?

Yes, sir.

Any idea why?

Because they don't have ethics?

( kids giggling )

All right, that's enough.

It's the truth.

Ask Jake.

He was with me.

Go on.

Tell him.

I guess so.

You guess so?

He... yeah.

They took it. I was there.

All right, but I want that essay in tomorrow.

Is that understood? Yes.

I hope so.

( Nagus laughing )

Did the Nagus happen to mention how long he'd be using the holosuite?

The Nagus will be done when he's done.

What if he injured himself?

My father left specific instructions not to be disturbed.

Are you suggesting we disobey him?

Forget I ever said anything.

The Grand Nagus-- here under our roof.

I've never been so proud.

I hope you can live on pride, because that's all we'll have left once he's through with us.

You think he's here to take over the bar?

Why else would he have come all this way?

To buy me out for a fraction of what the place is worth.

You could always refuse to sell.

Oh, why didn't I think of that?

Idiot!

The Nagus doesn't take "no" for an answer.

Quark.

Here.

( moaning )

Good program.

My father requires rest.

I would imagine.

Uh, please feel free to use my own... brother's quarters for as long as you're with us.

That should be satisfactory.

Now, uh, is there anything else I could do to make your stay a pleasant one?

Invite me to dinner.

I'd be honored.

Chief, I just heard Airlock 9 is jammed again.

I'll get a crew on it immediately, Commander.

Ensign Jonas?

So, how's school?

We'll muddle through, I imagine, though I'm counting the days till Keiko gets back.

Are the students giving you a hard time?

Well, you know how it is, sir.

Kids-- there's nothing they like better than to take advantage of a substitute teacher.

I always did.

I hope Jake's behaving himself.

Jake? He's a fine lad, sir.

It's just... well...

Just what?

It's just, if he were my son,

I'd find a friend for him other than Nog.

I'm afraid that's easier said than done.

The two of them have become inseparable.

I'd find a way to separate them, sir.

That Nog's a bad influence.

I appreciate the advice, Chief, but I trust my son.

Besides, if I get between them now, it would become me versus Nog and I'm not going to force Jake to choose between us.

Why not?

Because I'd probably lose.

Oh, I doubt that, sir.

That's because your daughter's three.

Wait until she's 14.

Are you sure?

My compliments, Quark.

Mmm! These tube grubs are chilled to perfection.

Did I say I was finished?

Please, help yourself.

I ran into your cousin Barbo recently.

Barbo? I thought he was still in that Tarahong detention center.

They finally released him.

How fortunate.

He told me how the two of you sold those defective warp drives to the Tarahong government.

Very clever. Oh, it was nothing.

The Tarahongians are an incredibly gullible people.

He also told me how you betrayed him to the authorities and left him to rot behind bars while you kept all the profits.

The Sixth Rule of Acquisition expressly states...

"Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity."

I certainly never have.

You see?

I told you he had brains.

You've done very well for yourself, Quark.

Not that well.

Don't contradict your elders.

It's impolite.

I suppose I'm doing quite well at that.

It was a stroke of brilliance to open a bar so close to a stable wormhole.

He didn't even know the wormhole existed!

That's what makes it so impressive.

He had the instinct, the ears, to make the smart move before anyone else did.

You could learn from his example.

Boy!

Boy!

Can I go now?

I have homework.

Did he say...

...homework?

KRAX: There's a Federation school here run by a hu-man, a female.

And you allow your son to attend such a place?

Nog, I never want you to step foot in there again.

Now go to your room.

And no studying.

My apologies, Nagus.

It's those Federation do-gooders-- always sticking their ugly noses in other people's business.

Most distressing.

Yes, Nagus, most distressing.

Yes, yes.

Now, speaking of business--

Quark, I've come to ask a favor of you, and one that would be very important to me.

I need your bar.

I knew it.

And your services as host for an important conference to be held here tomorrow at 9:00 sharp.

I would, uh, consider it a privilege.

And the purpose of this conference is, uh...?

ZEK: The future, and for Ferengi business interests, the future is already here and its name is the Gamma Quadrant.

Ferengi Transport Sepulo has put in at Docking Bay 5.

That's the third Ferengi ship to arrive here in the last 18 hours.

Maybe it's Quark's birthday.

My advice is to lock up the silverware.

I don't think we have to go that far.

Sisko to Odo. Go ahead, Commander.

About all of these Ferengi visitors we've been getting...

I'm already on it.

( genial conversation )

No, no, no!

QUARK: Is something wrong?

You can't seat Turot next to Hoex.

They've been bitter rivals ever since Hoex bought out Turot's controlling interest in the cargo ports on Volchok Prime.

Rom! Change these seating arrangements immediately.

Quickly, you fool before I toss you out the nearest airlock.

I thought you understood this was to be a private meeting.

Yes.

Go away!

We're closed!

Go away!

Shoo! Shoo!

What's the delay?

We await the Grand Nagus.

Well, he better show his ears soon or I'm leaving.

No one leaves until the conference has concluded.

Still hiding in your father's shadow?

The Nagus casts a very long shadow.

Careful you don't disappear in it!

I see we're all here.

Enough drinks.

All right, I'm going.

Quickly.

No, you stay.

Me?

Gentlemen, be seated.

JAKE: Hey, Nog.

Where were you this morning?

I'm through with school.

What do you mean through?

I mean I don't have to attend those boring classes anymore.

Is this your father's idea?

It's the right decision.

Look, if you want, I'll talk to Mr. O'Brien.

No.

I don't belong there.

Don't you want to learn things?

You mean like ethics?

Yeah, and other stuff.

You don't understand.

I'm a Ferengi.

For me, school is a waste of time.

Why is that?

Because there's no profit in it.

So why are you getting mad at me?

Because you're a stupid hu-man and I don't know why I bother with you.

I'm stupid?

You're the one not going to school.

See if I care.

And lastly, I would like to salute Nava, whose takeover of the Arcybite mining refineries in the Clarius System is now complete.

I congratulate you all.

Profits are better than ever.

Nevertheless, it is becoming more and more difficult to find truly lucrative business opportunities here in the Alpha Quadrant.

And why?

Because no matter where we go, our reputation precedes us-- a reputation tainted by the lies of our competitors who maliciously spread the erroneous impression that we are not to be trusted.

( outraged grumbling )

But now, thanks to the discovery of the wormhole, for the first time, we can now avoid such falsehoods.

The Gamma Quadrant, gentlemen-- millions of new worlds at our very doorstep.

The potential for Ferengi business expansion is staggering.

And best of all, no one there has ever heard the name Ferengi.

Our reputation will be absolutely stainless.

Our word can be our bond.

Until we decide to break it.

( all laughing )

It'll be the good old days all over again.

And who shall lead us in this great endeavor?

Who else, but my father?

The Nagus.

The Grand Nagus! Yes! Yes!

Nagus!

I thank you for your confidence, but I must decline the offer.

But, Father...

I'm old.

The fire dims.

I'm just not as greedy as I used to be.

Yes, you are, more so.

No, my mind's made up.

I've already chosen my successor.

Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Ahem.

A leader whose vision, imagination and avarice will oversee Ferengi ventures in the Gamma Quadrant.

The new Grand Nagus...

Quark!

( shouting )

He's a lobeless amateur!

Father, have you lost your mind?

I won't stand for it!

This is outrageous!

Congratulations.

I know you'll do a wonderful job.

( laughing )

Oatmeal lumpy again?

No, I'm just not hungry.

Want to talk about it?

It's Nog.

His father's pulled him out of school.

I see.

It's not fair.

Nog can't even read.

School's not going to be much fun without him.

You can still get together with him after school.

Maybe. I don't think he wants to be my friend anymore.

Did he say why?

He says humans and Ferengis don't get along.

Usually they don't.

But you're the one always saying that we should make friends with other cultures.

I believe that, and I'm glad you believe it, too but human values and Ferengi values are very different.

We've never been able to form a common bond.

So Nog goes his way, and I go mine.

These things happen.

Hey, how about after school, we play a little baseball?

I can't.

I have something to do.

Grand Nagus Quark. I love the sound of that.

I'm afraid we were never formally introduced.

I am Gral, your new best friend.

You wish to serve me?

I wish to protect you.

Protect me?

From those who are jealous of your position and wish to take your place.

They can be very dangerous.

How do I stop them?

Leave it to me.

I'm not going to allow anybody to harm such a grateful friend as yourself.

How grateful am I?

Grateful enough to make sure that I have my pick of the most lucrative Gamma Quadrant opportunities.

And if I refuse?

You won't.

Nagus, I'm in desperate trouble.

So am I-- and please, call me Zek.

Now, which would you choose-- Risa or Balosnee VI?

I don't quite follow.

For my vacation.

My first in 85 years.

I'm told, on Balosnee, the soothing harmonies of the tides can cause the most stimulating hallucinations, but when I think of those voluptuous Risian females...

Nagus, please...

Gral just threatened my life.

So he's the first, is he?

Well, he won't be the last.

But what am I to do?

You picked me for your successor.

Surely, you must have some advice.

To survive, you must surround yourself with loyal men.

That's good.

But not too loyal.

Never trust anyone who places your prosperity above their own. I see.

And remember, when in doubt, be ruthless.

Yes. I can do that.

Go on.

Zek?

Zek?!

I didn't do anything.

I don't know, Krax.

20 bars of gold- pressed latinum?

Uh... I'll need to think about it.

In a year, it'll be worth twice as much.

All right, I'll take it.

You want me to be your bodyguard?

Think of it as a promotion.

But why me?

You're the only one left I can trust.

You're my closest associate.

My friend, my brother.

But I thought... since you'll be so busy being Grand Nagus,

I could take over running the bar.

( laughing )

You-- run my bar?

Not exactly overcome by grief, are we?

This is a private funeral service.

Hmm. You have my sympathies for your loss.

Nevertheless, when someone dies on my station, there are questions that must be answered.

There was nothing suspicious about my father's death.

It was caused by a massive infection of the tympanic membrane-- a chronic condition.

Then I hope you won't mind if I ask Dr. Bashir to examine the body.

( giggling )

That would be difficult.

What's this?

My piece of Zek.

You see, when a Ferengi of my father's stature dies, the body is automatically vacuum-desiccated, and sold as a prized collectible.

How touching.

I know there's... I wonder...

Go ahead. It wasn't important.

I guess humans and Ferengis don't have a lot to talk about.

That's what my father says. Mine, too.

That doesn't mean they're right.

We always had stuff to talk about before.

So, what do you say-- you still want to be friends?

Yes.

When my father finds out, he won't be happy.

Neither will mine.

Come on, I have a great idea.

What is it? Come on.

So, what exactly does it mean becoming Grand Nagus?

It means that, from now on, if you wish to speak to me, you must first make an appointment with Rom.

Don't be ludicrous.

It is also customary to show respect by kissing my scepter.

( snorts )

( chuckling )

I suppose I could make an exception in your case.

( coin clattering )

( screams )

You see the discoloration around the impact perimeter?

These are sorium and argine traces.

Aren't they Ferengi explosives?

Exactly. What we have here is a Ferengi locator bomb designed to lock on to a target's pheromones.

You mean they're attracted to body odor?

Mm-hmm. Very deadly and very accurate.

If Quark hadn't lowered his head at the last second...

Commander. Yes, Doctor?

I've just given Quark a thorough examination.

He's a bit shaken up, nothing more.

I guess it's time to have a little chat with the Grand Nagus.

ODO: I'd be delighted.

( boys laughing )

When are you going to get it through your twisted little brain that we are trying to save your life?

You're trying to interfere in Ferengi affairs of state.

Which are none of your concern.

Now, look here, Quark...

Uh-uh-uh-- Grand Nagus Quark.

Those locator bombs are damn near foolproof.

You were lucky once.

Next time, we could be scraping you off the walls.

The Grand Nagus does not ask for help from outsiders.

ODO: I'm sure whoever tried to kill you is counting on that.

You must have some suspicion who that could be.

I'm suspicious of everybody.

But who would you say stands to benefit the most from your death?

Let's see.

That would have to be Krax.

Yes, if anything were to happen to me, Krax becomes Nagus.

True, but let's not forget that it was Gral who threatened you.

( snarls )

Threatened you? How?

That's none of your concern.

Besides, Gral and Krax were at the funeral when the bomb went off which means that neither one of them could have set it.

Whoever planned this could have had an accomplice.

You're sure all of Zek's associates attended the funeral?

Yes, yes, they were all there.

Look, this is getting us nowhere.

What about Zek's servant?

ROM: You mean Maihar'du?

What about him?

Was he at the funeral?

I don't recall seeing him there.

Do you?

Now that you mention it-- no, I don't.

Interesting.

Hupyrian servants are renowned for their devotion to their employers.

For Maihar'du not to have shown up at Zek's funeral is very odd indeed.

You were out pretty late last night.

I was?

You came in after midnight.

Uh... I guess I got kind of busy doing stuff.

What kind of stuff?

Nothing important, just hanging around.

With Nog.

We weren't doing anything wrong.

Good. Then you can tell me all about it.

I can't. It's private.

Private?

I got to go, or I'll be late for school.

I want you home in time for dinner. Understood?

Understood.

The thing is, uh... Nagus,

I feel I've done all I can in the field of gouge mining.

You wish to find profit elsewhere?

Yes, Nagus.

Where would that be?

I'd like the chance to introduce synthehol to the Gamma Quadrant.

A very lucrative opportunity.

Tell me, Nava, when Zek announced I was to succeed him, were you pleased?

Uh... no, Nagus.

Did you come to me and offer your support?

No, Nagus.

Yet now you call me Nagus, but is it out of true friendship?

No, you only pretend to show me respect so I will grant you this immense opportunity.

Which I'm willing to split with you-- 50-50?

Well, in that case, let's hope the Gamma Quadrant develops a taste for synthehol.

( laughs )

Oh, yes.

A very smart deal, Nagus.

I seem to have a knack for it, don't I?

ROM: Yes, Nagus.

The rest will have to come back tomorrow.

All this benevolence wearies me.

Yes, Nagus.

KRAX: As you wish, Nagus.

I think I'll head over to the bar and check the receipts.

Yes, Nagus. Yes, Nagus.

If he keeps handing out these choice opportunities, he's going to become very popular.

We'll just have to come up with a new plan.

Something more reliable than a locator bomb.

Something that can't possibly fail to kill my dear brother.

( chuckling )

( door chimes )

Come in.

I was going to ask you to join me in a round of Jokarian chess, but I can see you're just sitting down to dinner.

I sat down half an hour ago about the time Jake was supposed to be home.

Aubergine stew.

Looks delicious.

So, where's Jake?

Where else? With Nog.

Going through my own adolescence was difficult enough.

Surviving my son's is going to take a miracle.

Maybe it's time you had a little talk with Jake.

Children need to know their boundaries.

I should know.

I've been a mother three times and a father twice.

Which was easier?

Actually, I wasn't very successful either way, so... feel free to reject what I'm about to say, but if I were you, I would go find Jake, and bring him here to eat his dinner.

You would?

Absolutely.

Computer, locate Jake Sisko.

Jake Sisko is in Cargo Bay 14.

Thanks, old man.

( quiet voices )

NOG: ...are four... teen, fourteen...

JAKE: "Planets..."

"...planets in the Bajoran s..."

What's that word?

"System."

"System."

That was pretty good.

Want to try some more?

"The lar...

"largest planet is Bajor.

"It has... three... moons?"

You got it!

( both laughing )

Keep going, keep going.

Okay.

"The third... moon... it has..."

( gagging )

You clumsy idiot.

You want to strangle me?

My apologies, Nagus.

Stop daydreaming.

Pay attention to your work.

Yes, Nagus. When do we leave?

Just as soon as you're ready, Nagus.

I've always wanted to take a trip through the wormhole.

Still, it's odd...

Zek never mentioned that he'd traveled to the Gamma Quadrant let alone opened negotiations with one of its worlds.

Negotiations that you will have the honor of completing.

According to Krax,

Stakoron II contains rich deposits of mizainite ore.

A very lucrative opportunity.

Quark?

What now?

About the bar... you have so much, and I have so little...

Which is exactly how it was meant to be.

Come.

Let's not keep our new partners waiting.

May I say, Nagus, that my father himself never looked more commanding.

I've been thinking, maybe it would be wise to take a dabo girl along with us.

Whatever for?

A pretty woman by my side would only add to my prestige.

Never underestimate the importance of a first impression.

One look at your imposing features, and the Stakoron negotiators will give us everything we ask for.

All right.

If you really think I won't need her...

Believe me, you won't.

Shall we?

( door panel beeping )

This is an historic moment.

Nagus.

There must be some mistake.

There's no ship docked here.

Wait!

Rom, you idiot!

QUARK: Krax, what are you standing there for?

What's the matter with you two?

Open the door!

Do you hear me?!

Open up!

You must obey your Nagus!

Sorry, Quark, but you've just been voted out of office.

Rom! Brother!

Please!

So, you were going to toss me out an airlock.

I never meant it.

ROM: Well, I do.

"Rom's."

Nice name for a bar, don't you think?

Enough talk.

Let's get this started.

Would you like to do the honors?

Or should I?

QUARK: Let me out!

Let me out of here!

Please...

Release him!

Nagus!

You're alive! You're alive!

Well, Quark, looks like you needed my help after all.

ZEK: Don't you recognize your father?

You died.

I saw it happen.

You saw me enter a Dolbargy sleeping trance.

Maihar'du taught it to me.

But why, Father?

It was a test to see if you were ready to take my place, and you failed... miserably!

But, Father, I am ready.

I am ready.

You saw for yourself.

I was about to grab power!

You don't grab power.

You accumulate it quietly without anyone noticing.

But I don't understand.

The bar, you fool.

That was the key.

All those visitors stopping by on their way to and from the wormhole.

You could have sat there quietly at your leisure and gathered up all the information you needed about the Gamma Quadrant. What about him?

Oh, you could have let him hold the scepter while you controlled everything from the shadows.

And then, when everything was running smoothly, only then would you take over.

But, Father...

No! I'm not interested in excuses!

Go back to the ship.

We'll be leaving here shortly.

Yes, Father.

It's like... it's like talking to a Klingon.

QUARK: I guess this still belongs to you.

Yes.

It looks like I'll have to remain Grand Nagus long enough to establish a Ferengi presence in the Gamma Quadrant.

And I was really looking forward to retirement.

If I hear of any good Gamma Quadrant deals you'd be right for, I'll let you know.

You know where to find me.

You've done a very profitable job with this place.

Who knows, maybe one day,

I'll come back and buy it from you.

( laughing )

( laughing )

So, Rom... you were going to toss me out an airlock.

Forgive me, brother.

Forgive you?!

Why, brother...

I didn't think you had the lobes.

Such wonderful treachery deserves a reward.

I'm going to make you the assistant manager of policy and clientele here at Quark's.

What exactly does that mean?

How should I know?

I just made it up.

Come on, I'll buy you a drink.

So what time tomorrow?

How about as soon as you get out of school?

BOTH: Whoa.

Jake.

Dad.

What are you doing here?

I was waiting for you.

( chuckling )

Dad...

You're a great boy, you know that?

Now go be with your friend.