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The House of Quark

( laughing )

Now I know we're doomed.

Why, brother?

Rule of Acquisition 286:

"When Morn leaves, it's all over."

There is no such rule.

There should be.

Oh, I know business is bad, but that's no reason...

Bad? Bad?

It's 2100 hours.

The bar's open.

There's a sale on synthehol, and there's no one here.

You, Ferengi!

Another bloodwine now!

At least someone is still here.

How many has he had?

A dozen.

I should have gone into insurance... better hours, more money, less scruples.

It's all Sisko's fault.

Sisko?

That's right.

If he'd handled things better with the Dominion, none of this would have happened.

They want a foothold in the Alpha Quadrant.

Cut a deal. Make a few arrangements.

Give them a little something for their trouble.

Brother?

But no! He had to play it tough.

So now everyone's afraid of the Dominion.

Yes, but, brother?

And that means fewer people on the station, which means fewer people at Quark's, which means I am out of business.

Where's my wine, you cowering little Ferengi slug?

What's the problem?

He says he's out of money.

He's asking for credit.

Credit?

I'll handle it.

Watch and learn.

My name is Quark.

( growls )

I'm... like to discuss, uh, arranging a line of credit.

( nervous laughter )

You dare talk to me like that?

You pathetic mak'dar.

( gasps )

( instrument whirring )

( whispered conversations )

How long are they going to leave him there?

I wish they would hurry up and get rid of him.

I wish we could put him on display.

What?

Look at them.

They're consumed with morbid fascination.

They can't wait to get in here.

They all want to know what happened.

Was it a bar fight?

What started it?

And most of all, who killed the Klingon?

But no one killed him. It was an accident.

I killed him in a bar fight.

Wha...?

You heard me.

I killed him in self-defense.

But where is the profit in lying about a simple drunken...?

Look at that crowd.

How long has it been since you've seen that many customers waiting to get in here?

This is an opportunity to turn everything around.

This is insane, brother.

What if his family comes looking for the killer?

What if they want revenge?

If push comes to shove, we tell the truth and no harm done.

Rom, let me put it another way.

If business doesn't improve

I'll have to start making a few cutbacks in the operation of my bar, beginning with... your salary.

How big of a cutback?

I'd probably have to cut it back to zero.

ODO: All right, Quark.

Start at the beginning.

My brother fought a desperate hand-to-hand battle with the Klingon and was forced to kill in self-defense.

You killed him?

I'm sorry.

I couldn't avoid it.

He was abusive... vulgar.

A typical drunken Klingon.

All that was fine until it came time to pay his bill.

He refused. I insisted.

We began to argue.

He pushed me.

( scoffs )

I pushed back.

I was about to call for security to throw him out of my bar when suddenly, he pulls a knife on me!

I avoided the first thrust.

He came at me again.

I hit him with a left jab.

There was a furious exchange of blows.

The next thing I knew his knife was at my throat.

( crowd gasps )

So, I twisted it out of his grasp and plunged it into his chest.

( crowd murmurs excitedly )

I will never forget the look on his face when his life drained away.

I'd rather not talk about this anymore.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Oh, what a day.

Synthale, tall glass.

We had three Coverian freighter captains all wanting to use the same docking port.

Someone stole a case of medical supplies from the Infirmary-- two power failures.

How was school?

I closed it.

You closed the school?

Well, why?

What happened?

My last two Bajoran students left today.

Their families relocated back to Bajor.

That left Jake, Nog, and a lot of empty chairs.

Well, what about Jake and Nog?

Won't they have to...?

I told them I'd be happy to tutor them from now on.

Two students are not enough to sustain a school.

I'm really sorry, Keiko.

It's not your fault.

Everyone's just afraid of the Dominion.

People aren't going to be moving their families to the station anymore.

That means no more children, which means no more school.

Don't look so upset.

It's not like I was planning to be a teacher for the rest of my life.

Keiko.

I'm fine, really.

( sighs )

( boisterous conversation )

Don't worry, Constable.

I won't be dispatching any more customers today.

You don't have to keep an eye on me.

Oh, thank you for putting my mind at ease, but I didn't come here to protect the patrons from your violent temper.

Then what can I do for you?

I just thought you'd like to know who it was that you killed in self-defense.

Sure.

His name was Kozak, by all accounts a thoroughly disreputable character.

A notorious drunkard.

Well, sounds like someone who was going to get himself killed sooner or later.

It's a shame it had to happen here.

Hmm, isn't it?

I thought you'd also like to know that Kozak wasn't just some drifter passing through.

In fact, he was the head of a Klingon family a rather powerful family, from what I can gather.

Now, do you want to change your story, or do you want to wait for Kozak's family to show up and ask to see the Ferengi bartender who killed him?

I told you what happened, Constable.

Now, either order something or make room for a paying customer.

( sighing )

Brother, didn't you hear what he said?

I heard him.

Then we have to tell the truth.

We've made enough profit in the last few hours to make up for the losses we had...

It's not about profit anymore.

It's about respect.

It is?

You see the way they look at me now.

I'm not just some venal Ferengi trying to take their money.

I'm Quark, slayer of Klingons.

I've struck a blow for Ferengi everywhere.

But what about Kozak's family?

What if they come here for revenge?

If that happens,

I'll stand up, look them straight in the eye, and offer them a bribe.

You killed my brother.

My brother killed by a miserable Ferengi.

I never would have believed it possible.

I can explain.

You'd better!

I want to know exactly how Kozak died, and if I don't like what I hear...

Believe me, you'll like it.

He was in my bar.

I asked him to pay his tab.

He refused.

I was willing to let it go at that, but then, he pulled a knife and came at me, and the truth of the matter is he was so inebriated that he just fell...

I hope you're not going to tell me that he died in an accident.

You do?

Yes! Because there would be no honor in such a death.

And if Kozak died in disgrace, then that disgrace would be passed along to the rest of his family.

So if you were the cause of an accident that will dishonor my entire family, then I'm going to kill you and stuff your miserable corpse out the nearest airlock.

I see.

On the other hand, if he died as a warrior in personal combat, then there would be no dishonor for him or his family.

So what you're saying is if I killed him in personal combat, that's good.

Of course it isn't good!

He was my brother... but... it would be honorable, and an honorable death requires no vengeance.

Your life would be spared.

I wish you had been there.

You would have been proud of your brother.

He fought a brave and valiant battle right up to the end.

It was an honor to kill him.

I'm sure it was.

Remember that when you tell your customers about the death of Kozak.

You can count on it.

Qapla'!

( stammers )

( sighs )

What's going on?

You're five minutes early.

The canapés aren't ready yet.

Have I missed something?

Now, don't tell me you've forgotten what day it is.

Well, it, it's not our anniversary or my birthday or...

I can't believe you've forgotten.

It's "I'm married to the most wonderful woman in the galaxy" day.

I marked it in your calendar.

I don't think I'm too familiar with that day.

Oh, it's an old Irish tradition.

Here we go.

-( champagne pops ) -Ooh!

I thought I should start celebrating it.

Too bad it only comes once a year.

Well, actually, it's a very irregular holiday-- crops up all over the place... sometimes twice a day.

Really?

What's a traditional celebration?

Cake?

Mm-mm.

Noisemakers?

Mm-mm.

Fireworks?

Oh, definitely fireworks.

( laughing )

I should be finished the docking inspection by 1300 hours.

How about lunch in the Replimat?

Sounds good to me.

It's a date then.

See you later.

Hey... just wanted to thank you for last night.

It was wonderful.

You've already thanked me.

Have a good day.

I'll be in Upper Pylon 2 if you need me.

I'll be here.

( door opens )

Who's there?

We're closed.

Are you Quark?

That depends on who's asking.

My name is Grilka.

Kozak was my husband.

Oh, uh... well, come in.

Can I get you a drink or something to eat?

I've been told that you are the one who killed my husband.

I didn't want to.

I had no choice.

Was it an honorable death?

Absolutely.

He died like a warrior.

I'm very sorry this happened.

Is there something I can do?

Actually, there is.

Defend yourself!

So this is the man who killed my husband in personal combat?

What's this all about? Who are you?

I already told you. I'm Kozak's widow.

But first things first, Quark.

I want to know how my husband died, and I want the truth.

All right.

He was drunk and he did try to attack me, but he tripped and fell on his own knife.

So you lied to the station security officer, to your customers, and to D'Ghor.

You must be quite a liar.

It's a gift.

I think it's time you put that gift to work... for me.

( gasps )

Cho'echu!

What...

What happened?

Where am I?

You are on Kronos.

Kronos... the Klingon Homeworld.

You are in the ancestral home of what used to be known as the House of Kozak.

What's it called now?

Kozak died without a male heir.

The House no longer has a name.

What about Kozak's brother, D'Ghor?

Juht! That pahtk's name is not spoken in this house.

He is no brother to Kozak.

His family has been a sworn enemy to this House for seven generations.

But he came to DS9. He told me...

What he told you were lies.

He wanted you to say that Kozak had died in honorable combat so that no special dispensation would be granted.

I don't understand.

If Kozak had died in an accident and left no male heir, the Council might have decided that this was an unusual situation and granted special dispensation.

That might have allowed Grilka to become head of the family even though she's a woman.

But if Kozak died in an honorable fight, was defeated simply by a better opponent, then no dispensation would have been granted.

And without a male heir, the House will fall.

That hasn't happened yet, Tumek, and there is still time to prevent it from ever happening.

Put this on.

Why?

Because if you do not, I will kill you.

TUMEK: I beg you.

Consider what you do here, mistress.

The decision is made.

There is no other choice.

Go'Eveh, lu cha wabeh, Mo ka re'Chos.

TUMEK: Repeat my words.

Go'Eveh,

lu cha wabeh, To va re'Luk.

Let me ask just one...

Repeat the words.

Go'Eveh, lu cha wabeh, To va re'Luk.

GhoS ma'lu Kah.

It is done.

What's done?

The ceremony is complete.

You are husband and wife.

And while you're at it have Alpha shift begin a series of battle drills.

I'm not satisfied with their last performance evaluations.

Right.

Oh, ah, excuse me, sir. I can come back later.

No, no, no. We're done here.

What can I do for you?

Well, it's... it's kind of private.

Wife problems, Chief?

How did you know?

Well, I've been a husband and I've been a wife, and I know that look from both sides.

Come on.

What?

This is where we make a graceful exit and let the boys talk amongst themselves.

Must be some kind of human thing.

Well, I'm sure the old man will be happy to explain it to you on your way out.

Chief.

I guess, uh, Keiko must be very upset about the school closing, huh?

Well, that's just it, sir.

She's acting like she doesn't care, like there's nothing wrong.

That sounds bad.

I've tried to lift her spirits a bit-- romantic dinners, long moonlit walks in the holosuite.

I even rearranged my work schedule so I could spend more time with her.

Nothing seems to make a difference.

But now you have an idea?

Oh, yes, sir.

Um, I, I'd like permission to convert one of the empty cargo bays into an arboretum.

I think Bay 21 would be ideal.

The ODN conduits are shot, and the security system's never worked anyway.

So you're saying yes?

Ah, sounds like it to me.

Listen... there's nothing harder than knowing that the person you love is unhappy.

And I know how important it is to do something about it.

If one empty cargo bay makes Keiko happy, then I'm all for it.

I just hope it works.

So do I.

She sacrificed her entire career to be here with me.

I owe her.

If there's anything else I can do, just let me know.

Thank you, sir.

There being no special circumstances in the death and no male heir,

I make claim to the title and property of this fallen House.

The Council has considered your petition and will grant the transfer once the final rituals have been...

The petition is out of order.

This woman has no place here.

Her husband is dead and her House is fallen.

I ask that she be taken from the hall!

I have performed the brek'tal ritual, Gowron, and have chosen a new husband to lead my House.

Enter, husband!

( concerned muttering )

A Ferengi cannot be allowed to rule a Klingon House!

All I have done is follow the brek'tal ritual.

If the leader of a House is slain in honorable combat, the victor may be invited to take his place and his wife.

You are the one that made this possible, D'Ghor.

You certified before the Council that Kozak died an honorable death at the hands of this man.

I am simply exercising my rights as an honored widow.

I will have your House and your title, Grilka, and when I am done, I will place your head and the head of this ridiculous Ferengi outside the gates.

Uh, can I say something?

It seems there's some kind of dispute going on over some land, maybe some other property...

I think maybe we should consider a deal.

I should kill you right now.

Mev yap!

D'Ghor, you cannot challenge this man in Council without just cause.

We will have to consider this matter carefully before a final decision is reached.

Until then, the brek'tal will be respected.

The House of Kozak is gone.

For the time being, it will be known as... as the House of...

Quark.

Quirk.

Quark!

The House of Quark.

I told you not to say anything.

I was trying to avoid a lot of unnecessary bloodshed... like my own.

Just do as I say and there won't be any bloodshed.

Fine.

What's next?

What do we do now?

How do we strengthen the position of your House?

How do we keep D'Ghor from carrying out his threats?

What's the plan?

I'm thinking.

You don't have a plan, do you?

You're just making this up as you go along.

I've managed to get us this far.

But you have no idea where to go from here.

Can I make a suggestion?

Let's try having a more equal partnership, shall we?

What do you want?

Just tell me what's going on.

Kozak squandered much of our family's wealth, incurred several large gambling debts, made unwise investments.

As a result, the House has been weakened severely in power and in influence.

Much of the debt is owed to D'Ghor, who is now ready to take advantage of our weakness.

If he can gain title of our lands and property, his family will become a very powerful influence in the Empire.

He may even earn a seat on the Council.

Would it be possible for me to see all the financial records of your House?

And I mean all of them.

D'Ghor's, too, if you can arrange it.

Maybe I can find a way out of this mess.

That is not how we do things here.

We are Klingons.

We do not dirty ourselves with filthy ledgers looking for some financial trick.

Look, we've been doing things your way ever since this started, and now you've run out of ideas.

So maybe we should try doing things my way for a change.

It certainly can't hurt to let me look at some "filthy ledgers."

Good afternoon, Chief.

Doctor.

Plomeek soup, hot.

Oh, with a touch of basil.

What do you think?

You're asking my opinion?

An arboretum. For Keiko, I presume, to make her a little happier now the school's been closed down.

It's not just for Keiko.

I mean, it'd benefit the entire station.

Do you think it'll work?

Absolutely... for about two months.

Then you'll be right back where you started.

Two months?

Well, it's been my experience that during any serious disagreement, a smile and sweet words will buy you two hours, flowers will buy you a week, an arboretum, well, that's at least two months.

But in the end, you still have to solve the underlying problem.

I thought an arboretum would give her a chance to continue her studies.

Help her find something to do with her time.

Like a hobby?

Exactly.

Exactly why it won't work.

You can't ask her to turn her profession into a hobby.

Would you be satisfied just puttering around in a workshop, building nano-circuit boards and playing with tricorders?

( softly ): I suppose not.

You're Chief of Operations,

I'm a doctor, and Keiko's a botanist, and until she can be a botanist again,

I'm not sure she's ever really going to be happy.

QUARK: Very clever.

Very clever, indeed.

D'Ghor has manipulated your family's holdings, devalued the lands you hold, and he is the principal creditor on Kozak's outstanding gambling debts.

It's no accident your family's getting weaker and D'Ghor's family is getting stronger.

He's been systematically attacking your family's assets for over five years now.

You mean D'Ghor has been scheming and plotting like a F...

Like a Ferengi.

There is no honor in what he has done.

If he wanted to challenge my House, he should have made a declaration, met our forces in battle.

And risk destroying the very thing he wanted most-- your lands and property?

Can you prove any of this?

You can show the Council exactly what D'Ghor has done?

It's all right there.

All I have to do is talk them through it.

Thank you, Quark.

You may have saved my family.

Well, it is the House of Quark, after all.

( both chuckling )

I really am very grateful for all you've done, Quark.

That is why I'm going to let you take your hand off my thigh instead of shattering every bone in your body.

( both laughing )

Let's go talk to the Council.

So, as you can see from the gross adjusted assets tabulation in Column "J," the net value of the land acquisition was actually zero.

Now, if you go to the file marked "devaluation of capital income", we can review the way D'Ghor...

Enough.

I don't want to hear anything more about finances, mergers, or currency transactions.

The charge has been made that you have used money to bring down a great House.

What do you say to this, D'Ghor?

I say that he is a liar.

That he has smeared my name, and I demand vengeance through personal combat.

I have discovered new evidence, evidence which proves Kozak did not die honorably.

That he actually died in an accident.

I have a witness who will say he watched Kozak trip and fall on his own blade, and that Quark made up the entire story.

I don't know what he's trying to pull here.

( whispers ): The only other person who was there was...

Hello, brother.

QUARK: Come on, this way.

And keep quiet!

I thought you might try to leave.

Look, I have done my part in this little game of yours, and I am sorry about your House and title, but there's a man out there that wants to kill me tomorrow.

It's a matter of honor, Quark.

D'Ghor has accused you of lying.

There's no way to answer that challenge except through personal combat.

To you Klingons there may be no other way, but there's an old Ferengi saying about discretion being the better part of valor.

Then what they say about the Ferengi is true.

You're all lying, thieving cowards, who have no sense of loyalty or honor.

Sticks and stones.

I thought you were different.

I thought you had something in here.

But all you have in there is a piece of latinum.

And it's a pretty small piece at that.

Let them run.

I don't want them in my House.

( growling )

All right, let's go.

What?

What?!

You think I should stay and fight D'Ghor?

Is that what you're thinking?

How could you let her get to you like this?

Don't you see what she's trying to do?

She's trying to make us feel guilty.

Well, it's not going to work.

You're right, brother.

You're a businessman.

All you care about is profit.

Right.

This was all just a ploy to boost sales at the bar.

Who cares if some Klingon female loses her House?

I certainly don't.

Me neither.

Well...

Now, let's get out of here.

GOWRON: Grilka, where is the leader of your House?

I do not know.

Then I say that the House of Quark has dishonored itself before this Council, and I ask that it be dissolved and its land and property be turned over to me as compensation for...

( door opens )

I am Quark, son of Keldar, and I have come to answer the challenge of D'Ghor, son of... whatever.

( crowd muttering )

Whatever happens, I am proud of you.

I wish I could say that's comforting.

Ready?

( grunts )

Ready?

DaH!

( cackling )

Go ahead, kill me.

That is why I'm here, isn't it-- to be killed?

Well, here I am.

So go ahead and do it.

You all want me to pick up that sword and fight him, don't you?

But I don't have a chance, and you know it.

You only want me to put up a fight so that your precious honor will be satisfied.

Well, I'm not going to make it so easy for you.

Having me fight D'Ghor is nothing more than an execution.

So, if that's what you want, that's what you'll get-- an execution.

No honor, no glory.

And when you tell your children and your grandchildren the glorious story of how you rose to power and took Grilka's House from her,

I hope you remember to tell them how you heroically killed an unarmed Ferengi... half your size.

Whatever you say, Ferengi.

D'Ghor! What are you doing?

I didn't want to believe the things he said about you yesterday, but if you can stand here and murder this pathetic little man, then you have no honor... and you have no place in this hall.

( weapon clatters to the ground )

( D'Ghor grunting )

A brave Ferengi.

Who would have thought it possible?

I believe there are enough unusual circumstances here to justify granting you special dispensation.

You can lead your House on your own, if that is what you want.

Yej rhin!

You have given me back my House and my family name.

How can I repay you?

I would like a divorce, please.

No offense.

None taken.

I can give it to you right away.

N'Gos tlhogh cha!

( spits )

You're a free man.

A little warning would've been nice.

Qapla', Quark... son of Keldar.

Qapla' to you, too.

( laughter and boisterous conversation)

I've never understood what people see in that game.

Don't they ever get sick of it?

Keiko... there's an agrobiology expedition leaving for the Janitza mountains on Bajor in two weeks.

They need a chief botanist.

I think you could probably qualify.

On Bajor?

That's right.

They've never surveyed these mountains.

It's a very important expedition.

How long is this expedition supposed to last?

Six months.

I can't leave you and Molly for six months.

You can take Molly with you.

I've already checked. And as for me... well, Bajor's only three hours away in a runabout.

We can manage.

When we moved here, we made an agreement...

I know.

And I'm not trying to back out of that agreement.

Don't let this business about the school make you feel guilty, and...

This isn't about guilt.

This is about you being happy and me knowing that you're not.

I made a promise to stay with you and make this work.

I know.

But you're a botanist.

That's what you trained to do.

That's what you love.

Be a botanist, Keiko.

Be the best damn botanist in the galaxy.

Brother... I haven't had the chance to tell you, but in the Great Hall, when you stood there in front of D'Ghor, you were magnificent.

I was lucky.

If it didn't work,

I didn't have another card to play.

Business is dropping off again.

Money isn't everything.

If father were alive, he'd wash your mouth out with galcor.

You can't buy respect, brother, and that's what you have now-- respect.

After all, that's what you wanted, isn't it?

Respect is good, but latinum's better.

Tell the story again about how you stood there in front of D'Ghor not knowing whether you were going to live to see another day.

Everyone's tired of hearing it, Rom.

It's not going to boost business anymore.

No, I mean... tell me.

I want to hear it again.

All right, but I'm taking this time out of your paycheck.

Well, when I entered the Great Hall, the first thing I noticed was that D'Ghor was about a meter taller than I remembered...