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Body Parts

( sighs )

I never should have let her go, not in her condition.

Chief, I am certain Dr. Bashir and Major Kira are taking good care of your wife.

And besides, you know there's no way you could have kept Keiko from going.

She's been talking about the botanical mysteries on Torad V for a long time.

You're lucky she agreed to limit the trip to three days.

Three days in the Gamma Quadrant.

Do you know what she wanted to do last week?

What?

She wanted to go back to Bajor and rappel down the cliffs of Undalar to get a fungus sample.

Rappel to get fungus!

It's as if I have to remind her that she's pregnant.

Yeah. I guess the extra weight, the morning sickness the mood swings the medical examinations-- they aren't reminders enough.

I have work to do.

Hey!

CROWD: Dabo!

DABO GIRL: Very good! We have a winner!

Rom! My brother!

I'm glad to see you.

Let me pour you a snail juice.

Okay, but only one.

My shift starts in 33 minutes.

I'll make it a tall one and it's on the house.

We're celebrating.

Celebrating?!

What?

My return from two weeks on Ferenginar.

Didn't you miss me?

Uh, I suppose.

And I missed you.

That's two reasons for celebrating.

Enjoy.

Thanks.

Just the way you like it?

Perfect.

( chuckles )

So, how was your trip?

Did you close the vole belly deal?

The what?

Oh, yeah. Closed it on the first day.

15 percent profit margin.

Great.

Did you see Moogie?

Mother's fine.

She sends her love.

What else did you do?

Well, let's see, uh...

I closed the deal-- told you that.

Did some shopping...

Made a pilgrimage to the Great Marketplace.

And, uh... oh, yes.

I found out, uh...

I'm...

I'm dying!

What are you all looking at?

Haven't you ever seen a dying man before?

You're dying?

I got my results from my annual insurance physical.

All the tests came back negative except for one.

I have Dorek syndrome.

But... that's incurable.

That's right, which explains the "dying" part.

But... Dorek syndrome... it's so rare.

It strikes only one out of every five million Ferengi.

I finally beat the odds.

How long do you have before...?

According to Dr. Orpax, six days... maybe seven.

Is he sure?

Oh, of course, he's sure.

He's one of the most expensive doctors on Ferenginar.

He charges two slips of latinum just to walk into the waiting room.

This is terrible!

I don't want you to die, Brother.

Maybe you should get a second opinion.

Have Dr. Bashir examine you when he gets back from the Gamma Quadrant.

Bashir? How good could he be?

He doesn't even charge.

Besides, what could a hu-man doctor know about Dorek syndrome?

You're going to die!

( sobbing )

I have six days to take care of everything-- my will...

Moogie's pension.

I have to make funeral arrangements.

Pay off my debts.

That's a lot of debts, Brother.

Yes, but half of those are to hu-mans, Bajorans a couple of Klingons.

Rule of Acquisition 17:

A contract is a contract is a contract-- but only between Ferengi.

Exactly.

But you're right.

It's still a lot of debt.

You could always sell the desiccated remains of your corpse on the Ferengi Futures Exchange.

Who'd want to buy a disk of desiccated Quark?

I'm nobody-- just some bartender with a domineering mother and an idiot brother.

You were the Grand Nagus.

For a week.

If I'm lucky, I'll be a footnote in some...

Ferengi financial almanac.

You anticipated the change of administrations here on the station.

And as a reward

I'm inextricably linked to the Federation.

I'm a joke on Ferenginar.

Starfleet's favorite bartender!

The synthehol king!

What a legacy.

You're not a joke here.

You're a respected businessman... a pillar of the community a man with... many friends.

Friends?

Community?

You sound like some sniveling hu-man.

The only opinions I care about are those of my peers--

Ferengi businessmen.

In their eyes

I'm a second-rate, small-time operator.

Stop it!

Stop it, Brother!

You are somebody.

You'll see.

You march right over to that com link and offer your vacuum-desiccated remains for sale on the Futures Exchange.

You'll see.

Bids'll come flooding in from all over the Ferengi Alliance.

Everyone will want a disk of Quark on their desk.

In fact, there may not be enough of you to meet the demand.

( chuckles )

You're a liar, but I love you.

Just wait.

When you see how much your body is worth you're going to wish you died years ago... or something like that.

Captain, something's coming through the wormhole.

On screen.

Magnify.

WORF: The Volga.

It has been damaged.

Dr. Bashir is requesting emergency transport to the Infirmary.

Two patients:

Major Kira...

Keiko O'Brien.

Major.

Keiko's still in surgery but she's going to be just fine.

And the baby?

Oh, my God.

No, no, Chief.

The baby's fine.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Everything's okay.

The baby... just had a change of address, that's all.

What do you mean?

Your son's living here now.

Major Kira almost had us clear of the asteroid field and then the deflectors became overwhelmed.

We were sideswiped by a rock the size of this room.

A fuel pod exploded and Keiko was thrown against the bulkhead.

She had a concussion, broken ribs, internal hemorrhaging.

I managed to stabilize her but the baby's autonomic functions were failing.

I had to find another womb for the baby and the only two people available were Major Kira... and me.

I think you made the right choice, Doctor.

But... the Major's Bajoran.

How can she carry a human baby?

Well, I had to stimulate Kira's estrogen and progesterone production and administer high doses of tesokine to enable the baby to metabolize Bajoran nutrients.

But the bottom line is it worked, right?

Right.

So, uh, when will Keiko be strong enough to take the baby back?

Well, Keiko should be up on her feet again in a day or two.

However, the baby...

What?

Major Kira will have to carry the baby to term.

You see, Chief, Bajoran women carry their children for less than five months.

Because they have such a short gestation period they vascularize very quickly.

Mother and child form a complex interconnecting network of blood vessels.

And in order to transfer the baby back to Keiko

I would have to sever those ties which would likely cause massive internal hemorrhaging in Kira and a severe respiratory trauma for the baby.

So... what you're telling me is that...

Major Kira's going to have my baby?

( door chimes )

What is it?

Hello, Brother.

You wanted to see me?

Come here.

Did you get lots of bids?

I wouldn't say lots.

How many?

Let me count.

One.

Oh?

17 bars, three strips and five slips of latinum for the entire collection.

It's a generous opening bid.

It's an insultingly low offer.

Oh, and it also happens to be the exact sum total of your life savings.

Oh?

What a coincidence.

Stop it. I don't want your charity.

It's not charity.

I want to have something to remember you by when you're gone.

I knew this was a mistake.

But, Brother, you've got to give it time.

Your body's only been on the Exchange--

Oh, forget the bidding!

This has all been a mistake.

My life... coming here... putting a bar on this Cardassian monstrosity of a station.

What was I thinking?!

( monitor beeps )

Brother, come here quick.

It's a bid.

A bid.

A huge bid.

500 bars of latinum... for the entire set.

That's 10,000 strips.

That's one million slips.

That sounds even better.

It doesn't say who the bidder is.

It's not me.

No kiddin'.

You think it's Moogie?

No. She doesn't like me that much.

She might buy one disk but all 52?

No.

Who could it be?

Who could afford to spend 500 bars of latinum on me?

Grand Nagus Zek.

The Nagus?

Of course. It makes perfect sense.

He always liked me.

He used you when it suited his needs.

I don't think it's the same thing.

Don't you see?

He used me because he liked me.

He couldn't admit that in public.

So he made this anonymous bid as a gesture of his appreciation and gratitude.

That doesn't sound like the Nagus I know.

But it doesn't matter who made the offer.

The important thing is this could stimulate further bidding.

Well, now let's not be foolish, Rom.

If we wait the Grand Nagus might just change his mind.

Going once, going twice, sold.

Congratulations, Brother.

Yeah.

It took me my whole life... but I'm going to die a winner.

Hi.

Hi.

How are you feeling?

Like I've been hit by a ten-ton rock.

Julian says I'll be on my feet tomorrow.

How are you?

Fine.

Though...

( laughs )

I think I've put on a little weight.

You carry it well.

You know, what... what you're doing for me and for us, I...

( sighs )

I don't know how to thank you.

Oh.

Keiko... this is your baby.

( laughing )

That will pay off Moogie leaving 196 bars of latinum to pay off Uncle Gorad and Cousin Gaila.

Is that clear?

I think so.

Good. Now, on to my funeral arrangements.

First... Quark?

I want my eulogy to take place in the holosuite.

We'll charge admission-- two slips a head.

I don't know about that.

You're right.

Make it three.

Quark.

Huh?

I just received an odd message from a Dr. Orpax of Ferenginar.

He wanted me to tell you that he's very sorry but you don't have Dorek syndrome.

Does that make any sense to you?

You don't have Dorek syndrome?

Do you know what that means, Rom?

It means you're going to live!

It means I get to sue Dr. Orpax for malpractice!

( excited sigh )

And I'm going to live.

( door chimes )

( chiming continues )

I'm coming.

( chimes )

I'm coming.

I-I-I'm coming!

( door chimes )

Computer, lights.

( chiming continues )

( sighs )

Come in already.

Brunt, FCA.

Don't tell me this is a surprise audit.

( chuckling )

Not this time.

I'm here to... check on my merchandise.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you.

I paid 500 bars of latinum for your desiccated remains and I'm here to collect.

You're the anonymous buyer?

Well, who did you expect?

The Nagus?

The Nagus?

( laughing )

Of course not.

I'm just a little surprised it was you.

I guess you haven't heard the news.

You mean that you don't have Dorek syndrome?

I know all about it.

But, uh, I don't understand.

What are you doing here?

I'm here to get what I paid for.

The contract calls for 52 disks of vacuum-desiccated Quark available within six days.

I'm here to make sure you deliver the merchandise.

Maybe I wasn't clear.

I'm not dying.

Maybe I wasn't clear.

I don't care.

I want... my merchandise.

I have a thousand ideas of how to defile your remains.

Want to hear my favorites?

( sighs )

I see.

How foolish of me.

I forgot to mention that on top of your full refund you'll also be receiving an additional five bars of latinum for your troubles.

Did I say five? I meant ten.

You drive a hard bargain.

12-- that's my final offer.

Look, it's late, you've come a long way.

Why don't we stop this haggling and you just tell me how much you want?

What I want... is 52 disks of vacuum-desiccated Quark-- nothing more nothing less.

But I'm not going to die just yet!

( chuckling )

What do you expect me to do? Kill myself?

( chuckling )

Of course not.

You can have someone do it for you.

I recommend strangulation-- leaves the body relatively unmarked for desiccation.

You can't be serious.

A contract is a contract...

Is a contract.

I know that.

But you don't collect on contracts under these circumstances.

We're not Klingons.

We're businessmen.

This is not business,

Quark.

This is personal.

But why?

What have I ever done to you?

Done to me?

And you call your brother an idiot?

Nothing you have ever done to me has been more than a minor inconvenience, no.

Protecting your mother from an FCA audit and secretly settling with your striking employees were nothing more than symptoms of a vile and insidious weakness... a weakness that makes me loath you, not for what you've done but for who you are, what you are.

A bartender?

A philanthropist.

I am not.

You give your customers credit at the bar!

You only take a 30 percent kickback from your employees' tips and you sold food and medicine to Bajoran refugees at cost!

That's not true.

It was just above cost.

Close enough.

It was still a generous hu-manitarian gesture.

You've gone Starfleet.

You might as well be wearing one of their uniforms.

It's people like you that give honest Ferengi businessmen a bad name.

I can reform.

I'll start gouging the customers again.

I'll revoke all my employees' vacation time.

You gave them vacations?

I didn't give them anything.

They contributed to a central fund which I manage...

You...

disgust me.

Look!

I understand your anger.

You're absolutely right about me but there must be some accommodation we can make-- something other than me killing myself.

Of course there is.

You can break the contract.

Me-- break a Ferengi contract? Never.

Never?

Uh-uh.

I wonder if there's enough Ferengi left in you to stick to that.

Part of me hopes you will break it, because then everything you and your family own on Ferenginar will be confiscated and sold to the lowest bidder.

Your mother will be forced to live on the streets, begging for scraps of food and, of course, no Ferengi will do business with you or even talk to you.

You'll be cut off from all contact with your own people.

I like Ferengi.

I-I feel comfortable around them.

Well, we don't feel comfortable around you.

You're a disease, Quark a festering tumor on the lobes of Ferengi society and it's my job to cut you off.

One step at a time.

Yeah... we're almost there.

Prepare for docking.

Thrusters back to half.

Yes.

( sighs )

Nice landing, Captain.

Let me know when you want to get underway again.

I think I'll stay here a week.

( chuckling )

( sighs )

Did you see Kira today?

Yeah.

I saw her in Ops.

I was thinking about inviting her to dinner.

Good idea. Maybe she could come by every evening.

Even if she came by every evening, it wouldn't be enough.

I know I'm being selfish.

I should be grateful that my baby's alive and well.

But I shouldn't have to make appointments to be with my own child.

Miles, what are we going to do?

I don't know.

I know what you're thinking, Brother-- that you can't break a sacred Ferengi tradition.

But the truth is defying Ferengi tradition isn't so bad.

I did it-- I formed a union.

Everyone said I was crazy that no Ferengi would have anything to do with me.

They didn't want anything to do with you

before you formed the union.

If you try the trousers on first you'll see I've added some extra padding to the seat which should make swiveling on your barstool much more comfortable.

I'm afraid your pants won't be ready until next week, Quark.

That's not why I'm here.

Ah! And what can I do for you?

I want to hire you, not as a tailor-- as an assassin.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, yes, you do.

You weren't always a tailor.

You're right.

I used to be a gardener.

Now, if you have something you want weeded, you let me know.

Not some thing... some one.

You're going to have Brunt killed.

I didn't think you had it in you, Brother.

What a bold, uncompromising move.

Would you be quiet?

I don't want you to kill Brunt.

I want you to kill me.

You want me to kill you.

Well, that's different.

Something swift and painless and preferably bloodless... though I imagine that's not always possible.

Wait a minute!

You can't do this.

I thought you were going to break the contract.

What are the key words there?

You thought.

But, Brother...

Don't "Brother" me, Rom.

I'm not like you or Nog or Moogie or the rest of our pathetic family.

I'm a Ferengi businessman.

And I made a contract.

And a contract is a contract is...

Don't quote Rules of Acquisition to me!

This is your life we're talking about!

That's right.

My life!

What's the most important thing in my life?

Business.

That's who I am.

That's what I do.

I'm a businessman.

And more than that, I'm a Ferengi businessman.

Do you know what that means?

It means that I'm not exploiting and cheating people at random.

I'm doing it according to a specific set of rules.

The Rules of Acquisition.

And I won't disregard them when I find them inconvenient.

Inconvenient?

You're going to die!

Yes.

And when I arrive at the gates of the Divine Treasury the Registrar will accept my bribe and usher me inside and do you know why?

Because I died exactly the way I lived-- as a Ferengi!

Garak, let's talk about death.

( gasps )

He's kicking so hard.

Do you think he's all right?

Oh, it's a good sign.

Molly-- I thought she was going to kick her way out of me.

Lower back, huh?

( groans )

Hold on. I have just the thing.

It was so thoughtful of you to share this with us.

Thank you, Major.

Please... Nerys.

So, um, any morning sickness?

What's that?

Well, I don't know how it is for Bajorans but, typically, human mothers wake up feeling nauseous.

Well, it doesn't work that way for Bajorans.

Typically, we start sneezing-- uncontrollably.

But this is a human baby.

I don't know what to expect.

Here you go.

Oh...

Slide that in there.

Get this side... Sorry.

Better?

I'm hungry.

Oh, much.

Put your feet up.

Oh, no, no, that's fine.

It is about that time.

I'll get dinner started.

I should be going back to my quarters.

Why? Have dinner with us.

I don't want to impose.

Nerys, you're having our baby.

You're family now.

That's right.

In fact, Keiko and I have been talking about something.

( clears throat )

Well, we have an idea that we'd like you to consider.

It's just an idea.

We don't want to pressure you.

I understand. What is it?

Go ahead.

Mmm... mmm!

Ooh.

Mmm.

( gasps )

( bones snapping )

How's that?

Awful!

Did you hear that sound of bone snapping?

I don't want that to be the last thing I hear.

It wasn't that loud.

You don't have these ears.

Snapping vertebrae is out.

We're running out of options, Quark.

You don't want to be vaporized because you need a body.

The disrupter ruined your clothing, the knife was too savage the nerve gas smelled bad hanging took too long and poison...

What was wrong with poison?

It doesn't work!

If I know the food is poisoned, I won't eat it.

Could you get rid of this?

The sight of it is making me sick.

Computer, remove corpse.

For a man who wants to kill himself you are strangely determined to live.

I'm going to die-- don't you worry about that.

I just want to find the right way.

Right way?

I don't want to see it coming or hear it or feel it or smell it.

I just want to go on with my life and then... I'm dead.

Ah.

( snaps fingers )

You want to be surprised.

Exactly. I want to wake up in the Divine Treasury and have no idea how I got there.

I see.

Perhaps that can be arranged.

Really.

You have my word.

You'll never know what hit you.

( breathing heavily )

Computer?

Lights.

Garak, if you're in here...

I'm not going to be surprised!

Where am I?

"Please have your profit and loss statement

"ready for inspection... before entering the Divine Treasury."

I'm dead.

Garak, you're good.

I'm really dead.

You're not just dead, Quark... you're an idiot!

( laughing )

Who... are you?

I am Gint, the first Grand Nagus.

You look like... like my brother Rom.

That's because this is a dream, you imbecile.

So...

I'm not dead. What a clever boy-- always thinking.

I'm asleep.

That explains why this place looks so tacky.

I mean, the Divine Treasury... please.

Don't blame me for your limited imagination.

Now, I'll make it simple.

You have to break the contract with Brunt.

You got to be joking.

You're Gint.

You wrote The Rules of Acquisition-- the scared precepts upon which all Ferengi society is based.

Oh, you of all people can't expect me to break them.

Why not? They're just rules.

They're written in a book not carved in stone.

And even if they were in stone, so what?

A bunch of us just made them up.

Are you saying they don't matter?

Of course they matter!

That's why they're a best seller.

But we're talking about your life here.

The Rules are nothing but guideposts... suggestions.

Then why call them "Rules"?

Would you buy a book called Suggestions of Acquisition?

Doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it?

You mean it was a marketing ploy?

Shh!

A brilliant one.

Rule of Acquisition 239:

"Never be afraid to mislabel a product."

I've based my entire life around these Rules.

How can I just walk away from them?

Because I'm telling you to.

But you can't do that.

You're not Gint.

This is just a dream.

Exactly.

And I wouldn't be here if you didn't want to break the Rules.

You just need someone's permission.

So I'm giving it to you.

I suppose... if the First Nagus Gint came to me in a vision and told me to break the Rules... that would be all right.

BRUNT: Quark, hold it right there!

Brunt, FCA.

What are you doing here?

This is a private vision.

I'm here to remind you of the consequences of disregarding the Rules-- poverty, destitution, exile.

I know. I know, but look!

Gint himself has come to me in a vision.

He's telling me to break the contract.

That is not Gint.

Gint was a lot taller.

You listen to that fraud, you'll regret it for the rest of your miserable life.

I say we kill him right now.

This is a dream.

You can't kill me.

However... people have been known to die in their sleep.

Come on! Rom!

Gint-- whatever your name is!

Help me.

He's got a point, Quark.

It's a dream.

I can't really do anything.

But if you want to live, break the contract.

It's your only hope.

( gasping )

I'm alive.

( sighs )

I find it surprising that someone with such long, slender and nimble fingers has never practiced oo-mox.

Come to beg for your life?

What is this?

I am returning your 500 bars of latinum plus interest.

I told you I wasn't interested in a refund.

I know.

I'm breaking the contract.

( laughing )

I knew it.

You're just like the rest of your family-- weak-lobed degenerates... another loser in a long line of failed Ferengis.

Look, I've broken the contract so do your job-- take my assets, revoke my Ferengi business license.

Do whatever you have to do, then get out.

And if I ever see you walk into my bar again...

Yes?

You won't walk out.

May I have your attention, please?!

Brunt, FCA.

As of this moment, no further Ferengi commerce may be conducted in this bar.

No Ferengi may be employed by this bar no Ferengi may eat or drink in this bar and no Ferengi--

no Ferengi!-- may do business with that man!

Confiscation of assets will begin immediately.

Ladies and gentlemen... this bar is closed until further notice.

Thank you for your patronage.

( door chimes )

O'BRIEN: Come in.

I'll take that, Major. Oh-- Nerys.

Is this it?

Oh, I travel light.

Would you like to see your room?

Sure.

Welcome to your new home.

At least until the baby is born.

Are you my aunt?

Well...

Sounds right to me.

Aunt Nerys.

Aunt Nerys, can I play in your room?

Anytime you want.

How are you, Brother?

How am I?

I'm broke... ruined, destitute... a pariah.

How are things with you?

Not bad.

Glad to hear it.

They took everything?

Mm-hmm.

Including this shirt.

I'm supposed to send it to Brunt in the morning.

Don't worry. I have some old clothes I was going to throw out.

Hmph.

I'd rather be naked.

Okay.

Brother, the way you stood up to Brunt...

Well, I want you to know that I'm very proud of you.

Well, then...

I guess throwing my entire life away was worth it.

I wouldn't go that far.

Mmm.

So, what are you going to do now?

Well, Rom...

I've been thinking long and hard and you know what?

I don't have a clue.

Quark, where do you want this?

What is it?

A case of Alvanian brandy.

A patient sent it as payment but I can't accept it.

Nice try, Doctor but I don't want your charity.

Oh, it's not charity. I find it undrinkable.

So, do you want it or shall I dump it?

( bottles clattering )

Quark, my sister sent me these.

I thought you might want them.

But they're really ugly.

They're not as ugly as the old ones but they're pretty bad.

This is all very amusing but I can't start a bar with a case of bad brandy and a set of...

ugly glasses.

SISKO: Quark.

Yes, Captain?

We're doing some structural repair on Level 2 of the Habitat Ring.

We need a place to store some extra furniture for the next few months and it looks like you have the room.

Captain, where do you want me to put all this furniture?

We have three levels, Constable, use them all.

Understood.

Captain, you can't do this!

Not without paying a storage fee.

A minimum storage fee-- practically nothing.

Send me the bill.

QUARK: All right.

Don't just stand there, Odo.

Move it all in.

Ah!

Look at them, Brother.

And you thought you had no assets.

Sisko, Dax,

Bashir, Morn... they're my assets?

To name a few.

I guess you're right.

Huh.

I need a drink.

Li...