Home > Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places

( indistinct angry voices )

Doctor?

Oh, hello, Quark. Oh...

Let me guess-- eavesdropping on the battling O'Briens.

Don't be ridiculous.

Such language.

Oh, I hope Molly's not around.

You can hear what they're saying in there?

How could I not?

Well, what are they saying?

Let's use a little discretion, shall we?

( argument continues )

He's done something.

She's outraged.

He thinks she's overreacting.

She thinks he's trying to run her life.

Pretty boring, actually... but to hear them, you'd think it was a matter of life and death.

Hello, Julian.

( gasps )

Hello.

Quark.

Mrs. O'Brien.

I thought you said the O'Briens were arguing in there.

Not Miles and Keiko-- the other O'Briens, Miles and Kira.

What do they have to argue about?

Miles hid Kira's springball racket because she's carrying his baby and he doesn't want her taking any risks, and she doesn't want him controlling her--

( voices continue )

What?

Keiko made them stop.

Now they're in the "let's talk this out and share our feelings" part of the fight.

Show's over.

Oh, well. I mean, good.

It is the power of his voice, the strength of his intonation, that make Barak-Kadan a great singer.

There are none like him.

None as boring anyway.

He never varies his performance, not even by a half-tone.

I prefer traditional opera performed in the traditional manner.

You know, for a Klingon who was raised by humans, wears a Starfleet uniform and drinks prune juice, you're pretty attached to tradition.

But that's okay.

I like a man riddled with contradictions.

That's a welcome sight.

The peace talks must be going well if the Klingons are back on the station.

Worf?

Did you see her?

The Klingon woman?

She was glorious.

Her?

She's okay.

I have never seen such a woman.

Who is she? What House is she from?

I do not recognize her family crest.

( laughing )

She is a friend of the Ferengi.

Now I remember who she is.

Her name is Grilka.

And she's not just Quark's friend... she's his ex-wife.

Maporian ale with just a hint of pazafer, as I recall.

You remember. I'm honored.

How could I forget? You're the only Klingon I know who drinks something besides bloodwine... or prune juice.

Prune juice? Forget it.

To the House of Grilka.

May it continue to be as strong and as proud as its lady is beautiful.

You may not have been the ideal husband, but you are an excellent bartender.

I know of no greater compliment.

So... what brings you to my humble establishment?

Business or pleasure?

The recent hostilities between the Federation and the Empire have been very costly to my family.

We have suffered great losses in ships, lands, warriors.

War-- what is it good for?

If you ask me, absolutely nothing.

The financial cost was significant.

I have an idea.

Why don't I take a look at your financial records?

I know that's not why you're here.

I'm sure it's simply a social visit, but maybe I could help.

Very well.

If it pleases you, I will allow you access to the records.

Thank you.

Hear this, Ferengi.

Help Grilka and you live.

Fail... and I will kill you myself.

And even though it was an accident,

Quark took credit for killing Grilka's husband.

Why?

As a way of boosting business at the bar.

And it worked.

But then Grilka kidnapped Quark and took him back to the Klingon Homeworld and married him.

Why?

I'm getting to that.

As a woman, Grilka was forbidden to lead her House.

By marrying Quark, she could retain control through him.

Eventually, she convinced the Council to give her control and she divorced Quark on the spot.

As far as I know, that's the last time they saw each other.

A marriage of convenience.

Certainly for Grilka, but I'm not sure how convenient it was for Quark.

His opinion is of no consequence.

He is unworthy of such a prize as she.

Worf, it sounds like you have a bad case of par'Mach.

SISKO: Is that contagious?

par'Mach is the Klingon word for love, but with more aggressive overtones.

Love? Worf?

Stranger things have happened.

Especially around here.

This should alleviate Kira's sneezing. Should?

Bajoran women have been sneezing their way through pregnancy for over 100,000 years.

You can't expect me to cure it overnight.

You know, I heard a rumor that the Jerries might be trying to cross the Channel this evening.

Maybe we should have a surprise waiting for them.

Serves you right.

I can't go to the holosuite tonight.

Kira and I have some things to work out.

Still fighting, eh?

Who says we're fighting?

Well, word gets around.

It's a small station.

It's a huge station.

Obviously not huge enough.

Well, for your information, we are not fighting.

Glad to hear it. Bajoran takeo herbs for Kira's swollen ankles.

She'll need to dissolve them in some kind of fruit juice before ingesting them.

I hope they taste better than those makora herbs you gave her.

Are you sampling all her medications?

No... Kira didn't like the taste.

Oh, by the way, I almost forgot.

She, uh... she has a... a rash on the back of her thighs.

Do you have a salve or something?

How long has she had it?

Well, I noticed it yesterday when I was helping her out of the bathtub so she's had it at least a day.

Helping her out of the tub?

She's living in my house.

She's having my baby.

So, uh, did you look?

What?

Oh, please.

I was holding a towel up in front of her.

How does Keiko feel about you helping Kira out of the tub?

Keiko feels fine about it. You see, we are adults.

We've developed a close, mature relationship.

I'm sure that Keiko and Kira have, but you...

What about me?

I'll bet you looked.

( quietly ): I will apologize for this at a later time.

( loudly ): You are in my seat!

Bartender!

Bloodwine!

What is that smell?

Is there a pile of rotting forshak in here?

Or is it you?

Stand when I talk to you!

Or do you think it is funny?

mev yap!

Worf, son of Mogh.

Come. Join me.

Challenging Thopok to a fight is a waste of time.

Grilka cannot mate with you, now or ever.

Your House is dishonored.

Your name is a curse.

I meant no disrespect.

You showed none.

I'm sure your motives were honorable.

Do not let it trouble you too much.

In truth, I doubt it would have been a good match.

Why?

Have you ever pursued a Klingon woman?

No.

There's no shame in that.

You were raised by humans.

You wear their uniform.

You accept their values.

How could you know anything about our women?

You'd be surprised what I know.

Perhaps.

But we will not find out here.

( loudly ): It is the wish of the Lady Grilka that you leave us now, son of Mogh, and do not return.

I am a fool.

You're in love.

Which I suppose is the same thing.

You're making too much of this, Worf.

Tumek said that Grilka wasn't offended.

She was probably flattered. There is no flattery in a great lady being courted by a traitor.

Is that what's really bothering you?

Or is it that Tumek said that you didn't know anything about Klingon women, and you're afraid he's right?

( door opening )

What do you want?

I want to talk to Dax, if that's all right with you.

( grumbling )

I need help.

Grilka invited me to dinner, and I need to brush up on Klingon manners and protocol.

She invited you to dinner? In her quarters.

A private dinner.

( whispering ): A very private dinner.

What's wrong with him?

He's having a bad day.

QUARK: Oh, that's a shame.

Well, when Grilka and I were married, there wasn't a lot of, um... affection involved.

So, what does a Klingon woman expect from a man?

Are there any secret Klingon phrases I should know, or do we just leap on each other like a pair of crazed voles?

Quark, Klingon mating rituals are very... involved.

It's not just a one-night affair.

Two nights.

Whatever.

Look, I'm serious.

Grilka and I, we have something...

I'm not sure what.

But I want to pursue it. For sex?

No! Well, yeah, that, too.

But there's more.

She's glorious.

So I hear.

Look... if you're serious about this, then you have to take it slow at dinner.

No innuendoes.

No staring at her cleavage.

So what do I do?

You talk.

You ask her about her family's history and their accomplishments.

She'll consider this a great sign of respect.

Respect?

Okay, okay.

I can do that.

Anything else?

Grilka is from the Mekro'vak region.

It is customary among her people that the man bring the leg of a lingta to the first courtship dinner.

Make sure it's fresh, as if you have just killed it.

Then use the leg to sweep aside everything on the table and declare in a loud voice, "I have brought you this!

"From this day, I wish to provide food for you and your House.

"All I ask is to share your company and do honor to your name."

Then what?

Well, either she accepts your offer... or she has her bodyguard shatter every bone in your body.

Sounds reasonable.

( Kira sighing )

So did your father just sit you down one day and say, "All right, Miles.

"It's time to teach you about massaging pregnant women"?

It's an O'Brien survival technique.

My mother hated being pregnant.

My father's massages were the only things that kept her from killing everyone.

Sounds like me. Pretty much.

She didn't swear in Bajoran, but she did like to use what she called "descriptive phrases."

KIRA: Are those my uniforms?

Garak finished the alterations and... he sent these along.

He guarantees the insoles will help your feet.

Ow, ow... ow!

That wasn't very convincing.

I think she's actually enjoying it, Miles.

You better press harder if you want her to suffer.

Harder, it is.

Ow, ooh!

You are a sadist, Miles Edward O'Brien.

Was your father this cruel to your mother?

Worse. I'd swear sometimes you'd hear her screams halfway across Ireland.

The neighbors didn't know whether to be worried or titillated.

( laughs )

Oh... here.

( sighs )

You miss Ireland?

You know, if you'd asked me that a year ago,

I would have said no, but lately, and I don't know why,

I've been daydreaming about home.

Maybe I'm getting nostalgic in my old age.

Mmm.

You've got leave coming.

Take three weeks and go.

If I left, who'd give you foot massages?

Take me along.

I can think of worse things than spending three weeks in Ireland with you.

Me, too.

Don't stop on my account.

Oh, right.

( Klingon opera playing loudly)

FEMALE SINGER: ♪ BOW-cha-daay ♪

WORF AND MALE SINGER: ♪ KEY-cha-day ♪

♪ Me-Yo-ca-BEEN-eva-kaa-MOR ♪

♪ LING-tomaH ♪

♪ oH-ma-do-VEE-kos ZO! ♪

♪ oH-ma-do-VEE-kos ZO... ♪

( clears throat )

( shuts off music )

I'm not going to ask.

Look, I came here to thank you for last night.

Grilka loved it-- all of it-- everything I did.

Everything I said was perfect.

So, I know nothing about Klingon women.

She said I had the heart of a Basai Master-- whatever that is. It is a poet.

A poet? I guess I can live with that.

What else happened?

She spent about an hour talking about her family history-- a rather long and bloody tale, but what else is new?

Then, we ate the lingta-- which tasted really bad-- listened to some noise which she called Klingon music, and then I left.

A perfect evening.

Mmm.

Almost.

Her bodyguard was giving me threatening looks all night.

That is to be expected. The idea of a Ferengi courting a great lady is... offensive.

You know, it's attitudes like that that keep you people from getting invited to all the really good parties.

"The heart of a Basai Master..."

She said that?

Could I make that up?

I'm telling you, Worf, she responded perfectly.

You really have the key to this woman's heart.

The question is:

Can you help me unlock it?

Yes, I can.

We have work to do.

( grunting and groaning )

( Quark yelling )

( grunting )

( groaning )

( screaming )

DAX: Quark.

( yelling )

MoVas ah-kee rustak!

WORF: Kosh tomaH.

Kosh tomoh...

I mean, tomaH ehpaq Lukara kaVeir.

Ish-tovee chuCH thling nuq?

Besh...

besh-opar gree urch...

( yells in frustration )

Besh...

opar gee urchun...

tomaH te... te...

te-doQ maugh-shta.

Enough.

You say the words, but there is no feeling behind them-- no passion.

Having to learn all this Klingonese isn't helping my performance.

Do not think of it as a performance. Believe in where you are.

Put yourself in this place, in this time-- a thousand years ago, the dawn of the Empire.

500 warriors stormed the Great Hall at Qam-Chee.

The city garrison fled before them.

Only the Emperor Kahless and the Lady Lukara stood their ground.

It was here that they began the greatest romance in Klingon history.

This is ridiculous. Ah!

I'm surrounded by corpses.

My shoes are dripping in blood, and you want me to feel romantic?

Why am I putting myself through this?

Because later that night, Kahless and Lukara jumped on each other like a pair of crazed voles.

( growling )

Yeah?

One more time.

( frustrated grunt ): This is the fourth theft of equipment from Upper Pylon 3 this month.

I don't know how they keep doing it.

We've changed the security protocols three times now.

It's not the security arrangements that are at fault here.

It's our friend, the Chief of Operations.

Miles? What did he do?

It's what he's not doing. He still hasn't finished upgrading the structural integrity field on Upper Pylon 3.

So half the bulkheads are torn open.

A child could find a way into those cargo bays.

Look, Miles is a very busy man, he can't be everywhere at once.

Sometimes it seems as though he's not anywhere at all.

He is doing a superb job under very difficult circumstances.

Ah...

Growing fond of the Chief, are we?

What are you talking about?

I've always liked Miles.

You've always liked the Chief, but Miles is a different story.

Look, I... I am living with him.

I am carrying his baby.

Don't you think that might change things a bit?

How so?

We're closer.

It-it's like I'm part of his family.

Which part?

What?

Which part of his family are you?

Sister? Daughter? Cousin?

Could we concentrate on the criminal activities report?

Of course.

And I'll refrain from making any further disparaging remarks about the Chief.

I mean, Miles.

( growls )

This consorting with a... Ferengi is outrageous!

You forget yourself, Thopok.

You are the Commander of the Lady's Guard, nothing more.

Do not presume to judge her.

( Quark and Grilka laughing )

( shrieks )

Tumek, Maporian ale for two.

Mistress.

You are an interesting man.

I always thought so.

Not much of a fighter, of course.

Fortunately for you, they were only holo-warriors.

Well, it's the thought that counts.

Yes, it is.

And what are your thoughts, Quark?

Why play out one of the most romantic scenes in Klingon literature for me?

Why learn to speak Klingon and observe our customs?

Why do you pursue me?

I only pursue those things I wish to acquire.

"Acquire"?

Now you sound like a Ferengi again.

I am a Ferengi. That means I have a talent for appreciating objects of great value.

And I believe you may be worth more than all the latinum in the Quadrant.

My Kahless.

My Lukara.

( yelling in rage )

mev yap, Thopok!

Forgive me, Mistress, but I cannot watch this any longer.

I will not protect a House where you are welcome, Ferengi.

You are a coward and a liar, and you have no honor.

So tomorrow, you will kill me, or I will kill you.

Home two hours early?

You better watch it. I'll get used to this.

Yep. They don't need me anymore.

Home at 1700 every evening.

( laughing ): You're such a bad liar.

( door opens )

Hi!

Hi.

KEIKO: Sit down. You look exhausted.

Bad day?

Miles, I think this woman needs one of your famous neck massages.

M-my hands are pretty cold.

I'm not in the mood, anyway.

I can see the tension in your muscles from here.

No, thanks, really. Oh! Um, I'm going to Bajor tomorrow.

Just for a few days. Bajor?

Yes. I thought I'd take the time and relax.

A friend of mine has a house in the Musilla Province.

It's quiet, remote-- no distractions.

Perfect! When do you leave?

Uh, first thing in the morning.

W-W-Wait a minute.

You can't go alone. What if you go into labor?

Well, Julian doesn't think that's going to happen for another month.

But he doesn't know for sure.

Miles... maybe you should go with her.

What? I can't go.

I have a botanical pathology seminar tomorrow, but you said yourself things are slow in Ops.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Me neither.

Miles Edward O'Brien, are you going to let the woman carrying your unborn child go on a trip all by herself?

Are you two fighting again?

No! Not at all.

Good. Then it's settled.

Miles, let's pack your bag.

What if I just do what I did the last time a Klingon wanted to kill me?

I... throw my sword away, kneel down in front of him and dare him to execute me.

Yeah. He'll be humiliated and slink away like a scalded targ.

The only reason that worked was because Gowron stepped in and restrained your opponent before he was able to kill you.

No one will stop Thopok.

Dax and I aren't even able to attend.

So my choices are to not show up, be branded a coward and lose Grilka... or die? Yes.

Oh, come on now! There must be another way out of this!

You people have rituals for everything except waste extraction.

You must have a ceremony or a secret handshake or something I can do?

I have an idea.

( grunting )

Oh, congratulations.

How do you feel?

Like a puppet... and I have some complaints for the puppeteer.

You nearly wrenched my arm out of its socket.

The movement would not have hurt if you were in better physical condition.

Exercise makes me sweat.

( chuckling ): You need to get some sleep.

If your body's tired tomorrow,

Worf won't even be able to save you.

Bedtime.

Mm-hmm.

I cannot believe the lengths I'm going to for that Ferengi.

I'm practically giving him Grilka.

What is it you see in her, anyway?

I mean, she's attractive, but other than that?

It is everything about her... the way she carries herself, confident and strong.

She commands those around her.

The proud tilt of her head... the way her face betrays none of her true feelings... the power of her voice.

And her eyes-- as hard as separ gemstones, and twice as sharp.

Sounds like you're describing a statue.

What would you do with a woman like that-- put her up on a pedestal and clean her every week?

You do not understand.

If I were in your shoes, I would be looking for someone a little more entertaining, a little more fun, and maybe even a little more attainable.

You are not in my shoes.

Too bad.

You'd be amazed at what I can do in a pair of size 18 boots.

He's in position.

Quark, son of Keldar, why are you here?

To... to ans...

( electronic beeping begins )

To answer the challenge of Thopok, to prove my honor... and to win the favor of the Lady Grilka.

The challenge has been given and accepted.

Let no one interfere!

Mok!

( yelling )

Where did you learn to fight with a bat'leth?

I'm a man of many talents.

( chuckling fiendishly )

( equipment powering down )

No!

Wait!

You damaged the optronic relay.

Can you repair it?

I don't know.

Well?!

I claim the Right of... Proclamation.

I've never heard of the "Right of Proclamation."

It is a Ferengi custom. Then it has no place here!

I beg to differ!

I am as proud of my heritage as your are of yours, and I will not be denied the opportunity to express myself according to Ferengi custom.

( growls ) He has shown respect to our traditions.

We will do the same.

What do you need to do?

I must... make a speech.

About what?

About you.

Get on with it!

I do not know how, but he is still alive.

You must work faster.

I'm going as fast as I can.

Uh... to this end... my blade soars... through the... aquarium of my soul, seeking the kelp of discontent which must be caught so that the rocky bottom of love lie in waiting with... fertile sand for the coming seed of Grilka's affection.

And yet, does this explain my need for her?

No.

It is like a giant cave of emptiness waiting for the bats of love to hang by...

Well, I guess that's enough talking.

Now, back to the fighting.

No showing off this time, Worf.

Just get it over with.

I was not showing off.

( grunting )

( grunts )

( grunts )

End it!

If you insist.

( grunts )

Maybe not.

Maybe...

I'll just pick up your sword and...

Give it to you... I guess.

Thopok, your honor is satisfied.

I return your weapon and discharge you from my House.

My lady.

( exhales heavily )

Do-MACH ah chee ghos eh-PAGH?

( grunts )

( yells )

Congratulations. You did it.

What does she see in that parasite?

Who knows? But they're on the same wavelength, and at least Quark can see an opportunity when it's standing in front of him.

He would have to be blind not to see it.

MoVas ah-kee rustak.

Computer, bat'leth.

MoVas ah-kee rustak.

Kosh tomaH... ehpaq kaVeir Lukara.

Ish-tovee chuCH thling nuq?

Meklo boH ka Mech.

Te-doQ roos ka Mech-TOH.

Oh!

( both grunting )

So I guess we're going.

Looks like it.

Tell me about this... this house we're going to.

It's a gorgeous 200-year-old cottage.

It's filled with antiques, sitting in the middle of a deep, dark forest.

It's got three fireplaces, two balconies. I see.

It's, uh, 20 kilometers from the nearest neighbor,

30 to the nearest town.

( laughs ): Why am I not surprised?

It gets worse. There's a view.

Of what? Of the Holana River.

You can see it from every room in the house, and at night, when the stars are out, and you can only hear rushing water.

It may be one of the most romantic spots in all of Bajor.

That's it. I'm not going.

I don't care what Keiko says, I'm not going. You go.

I'll wait an hour and then I'll, I'll tell her that you left without me.

That there was a miscommunication about the departure time.

You think she'll buy it? She'll probably accuse us of having another fight, of behaving like children, but I can handle that. The important thing is that we don't go anywhere near that place together.

You are absolutely right.

In fact, I'm going to go to the capital and see Shakaar.

That's the best idea you've had all week.

Have a good trip.

Thanks.

It would've been nice.

In another life.

Let's not even think about it.

All right. Let's not.

Miles...?

Yes, Nerys?

Get out.

Right.

( sighs )

A compound fracture of the right radius, two fractured ribs, torn ligaments, strained tendons, numerous contusions, bruises and scratches. What have you been doing?

You mean, what have we been doing?

( both laugh )

Never mind.

I don't need that particular image running around my head.

I'll just treat you.

( door opens )

What happened to you two?

We, um...

Well, um, if you must know...

No!

No, uh... I don't need that image either.

In fact, I'm going to stop asking that question altogether.

People can come in, I will treat them, and that's all.

Please... have a seat.

I'll be with you in a minute.

( both sigh )

You do realize that, according to Klingon tradition--

According to tradition, we have to get married.

But, as you keep insisting, you are not a traditional woman.

The truth is, Worf, at heart, you're not much of a traditional man.

You might be right.

How do you wish to proceed?

I don't know.

You must have some idea.

You were the...

Aggressor? Yes.

And now there are questions that must be answered.

Mmm.

I don't feel like answering questions.

Why don't we just take it one day at a time and see what happens?

I, uh, do not like the uncertainty of that arrangement.

One thing's for certain... you've stopped thinking about Grilka.

( both laughing )