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The Magnificent Ferengi

Just set them on the bar.

Morn, no touching.

You know what this is?

Three cases of syrup of squill.

I love syrup of squill on my groatcakes but I haven't seen a jar in over a year.

No one has.

ODO: Does that mean the drought on Balancar is over?

There never was a drought on Balancar.

It was all a ploy by their agricultural consortium.

They've been stockpiling squill in order to drive the price up.

That's dishonest.

I couldn't agree more.

You see, I once did business with the nephew of the cousin of the stepsister of a friend of the secretary to the consortium's chief accountant.

Nephew... cousin... stepsister... friend...

Yeah, that's right.

And he told me in passing that the accountant had bought himself a very nice pair of Ferengi rain slippers.

And if there was a drought, he wouldn't need rain slippers.

My thoughts exactly.

So, I set up a meeting with this accountant and I told him that he either provide me with a shipment of syrup or I would expose their deception to the entire Quadrant.

Tomorrow morning, we are having a special on groatcakes topped with syrup of squill.

( excited murmuring )

That is, for everyone who can afford it.

What are you standing around for?

Get these crates into the storeroom.

This stuff is worth its weight in latinum.

Which reminds me of another little economic episode of mine.

It happened say, oh

11 or 12 years ago shortly before I came on the station.

Dax! Julian!

You're back.

I was so worried.

DAX: I told you we'd be okay.

Then why all the secrecy about your mission?

We weren't supposed to talk about it.

Ah, but it's okay now.

The mission's over.

We've been debriefed.

We took the Defiant behind enemy lines.

We're the first reconnaissance mission into Cardassian space since the Dominion's retreat.

( sighs )

Well, the first one to make it back, anyway.

And if that isn't reason to celebrate,

I don't know what is.

Three synthales.

Coming right up.

Something wrong, Quark?

Yes, something's wrong.

A bunch of self-satisfied Starfleet officers... just stole my audience.

They're not just Starfleet officers.

They're heroes.

Let's face it, Quark.

There's nothing heroic about earning profit.

There is on Ferenginar.

We're not on Ferenginar.

( chuckles )

( whispering )

The Nagus... calling me now?

Oh, he must have found out about the squill.

I have to send him a jar.

No. Better make it a dozen.

He loves squill.

( instrument humming )

Oh, there you are.

I've been looking all over the station for you.

Well, you found me.

Now you go hide, and I'll search for you.

( chuckling )

Rom, brace yourself.

I have bad news.

Our mother's been taken prisoner by the Dominion.

Moogie... a prisoner?

It gets worse.

The Nagus wants me to rescue her.

You?

Rescue Moogie?

From the Dominion?

Yep.

Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh" is right.

So, how do you plan on rescuing Moogie?

You mean, how do we plan on rescuing Moogie?

I don't recall you saying the Nagus wanted me to go along.

Maybe he doesn't, but I do.

Besides, Ishka's your mother, too.

And I love her, but I can't go with you.

I'm a married man.

I have responsibilities and my responsibilities don't want me to die.

I don't want to die either, so let's just concentrate on the reward the Nagus is offering.

Reward?

50 bars of gold- pressed latinum.

50 bars?!

Ow.

Which I'm willing to share with you.

An even split?

Absolutely!

30 bars for me and 20 for you.

That's not even.

It is when you include my finder's fee.

Right.

ROM: There's one thing

I still don't understand.

How did the Dominion get ahold of Moogie?

They captured the transport ship she was on.

But she's a female.

They're forbidden to travel off of Ferenginar.

Moogie's an exception.

The Nagus gave her special dispensation to travel to Vulcan for her operation.

What operation?

She wanted to have her ears raised.

I had no idea.

That she was so vain?

That the Nagus could be so generous.

He certainly is.

But why is he being so good to Moogie?

Brother, there's something I need to tell you.

You mean, that ten bars of latinum is an overly generous finder's fee?

I already know that.

It's about the Nagus and Moogie.

What about them?

They're lovers.

No...

It's been going on for over a year.

No...!

She's his secret financial advisor.

She helps him run the entire Ferengi Alliance.

No...!

Would you stop saying that?

( sighing )

May I help you, gentlemen?

I was following you.

We must have taken a wrong turn.

It looks that way.

Much better.

( groans )

You know, Brother,

I've been thinking.

We can't rescue Moogie from a Dominion internment center.

Not alone, anyway.

You're right.

We'll need help.

We could put together a commando team-- gather the toughest mercenaries we can find--

Nausicaans, Breen, Klingon!

Shh!

We don't need Nausicaans, Breen or Klingon.

Hu-mans?

We'll just use Ferengi.

Then we'll all die!

No, we won't!

Ferengi can be just as tough as Klingons.

They can? Of course they can.

They just need the opportunity, the training, and a couple of bars of latinum as incentive.

Coming out of my share, I suppose. No!

( softly ): We'll split the reward with whoever joins us-- all... 20 bars of it.

But the Nagus offered 50.

As far as anyone else is concerned, he said 20.

20 it is, then.

Now the only question is: Who's our first recruit?

Not me.

But Nog...

Moogie needs you.

Not to mention your Nagus.

They need you, we need you-- say you'll join us!

Please.

I'm a Starfleet Officer.

I can't go running off with you on some half-baked rescue mission.

I have duties to perform.

But you know how to fire a phaser.

Forget it, Rom.

Don't beg.

Too bad, though.

We were going to make you

Strategic Operations officer.

You mean, like Commander Worf?

Exactly like Commander Worf.

Think of it, Nog.

You'll devise the tactics come up with a plan of action.

You could be the team's drill instructor.

Put us through our paces, prepare us for combat.

Turn us into soldiers.

That's a big job.

That's why we need you.

( sighs )

How big is the team?

Right now?

( chuckling )

Now, remember, Leck is not your typical Ferengi.

His priorities are different than ours.

I understand, Brother.

No, you don't, but you will.

I hope this is a secure channel.

I followed your instructions to the letter.

Mmm, very good.

Who do you want eliminated?

It's not that kind of job.

Then why call an Eliminator?

What's an Eliminator?

Shh. I'm putting together a little rescue mission and I'd like you to be part of my team.

I work alone.

You'll be paid in latinum.

I don't care about latinum.

You're right.

His priorities are different.

All right.

Forget the latinum.

I've been told you like the opportunity to test your abilities.

I enjoy a challenge.

Then you should know this-- that the person we're going to rescue is being held by the Dominion.

The Dominion?

Should be quite a challenge.

Hmm.

How the mighty have fallen.

Cousin Quark.

I heard you were arrested on Thalos VI for vagrancy.

It's all your fault.

I was a thriving weapons merchant... until I went into business with you.

You ruined me.

If I ever get out of here, Cousin,

I'll make you pay for what you did to me.

Lower the force field.

Now, what exactly is it you were going to do to me?

I don't understand.

Quark paid your fine.

You're a free man.

What do I have to do in return?

Earn some latinum.

Tell me more.

On the bar you will find a padd with the schematic of a Dominion internment center.

You may now examine the schematic.

How can we be sure these schematics are accurate?

Sir.

Oh, no need to stand on formality here.

Just call me Leck.

No, I meant you should call me "sir."

Don't be ridiculous.

You mean "Don't be ridiculous, sir."

Gentlemen, please.

Let's not squabble.

We're a team, Nog.

We're a team, sir.

Stay out of this. Listen to me, Nog...

That's it. I quit.

You can't quit.

This is not a game.

How are we supposed to get to this "internment center," anyway?

By ship.

Do we have a ship?

We'll get one.

We don't have a ship?

I said, we'll get one! How?

We'll find one.

Where?

I don't know!

Think of it as a challenge.

( applause )

Liquidator Brunt!

That's ex-Liquidator Brunt.

Thanks to your brother,

I'm no longer with the Ferengi Commerce Authority.

( sinister chuckling )

A child... a moron... a failure... and a psychopath.

Quite a little team you put together.

What do you want, Brunt?

I'm here to sign up.

I'm going to help you rescue your mother.

QUARK: What?

How do you know about Moogie?

I know a lot of things.

Ah... you think if you help save my mother, the Nagus will give you your old job back.

When do we leave?

We're not leaving.

Not with you.

That's one thing we can all agree on.

Nobody likes Liquidators.

Or even ex-Liquidators.

The team has spoken.

Besides, there's a 20-bar reward to consider.

Better to split it five ways than six.

Fine.

I'll just get in my ship and leave.

Did you say ship?

That's right.

Why?

Now we are six.

Don't move!

You're surrounded.

( yells in pain )

( shrieking )

( grunting )

( screams )

Don't shoot!

I surrender!

( groans )

NOG: No, no, no!

Computer, freeze program.

Reset Jem'Hadar.

( sighs )

I think we're getting better.

No, you're not.

This is the eighth run-through and you haven't been able to hit a single Jem'Hadar.

And you shot Moogie!

I saw we weren't going to rescue her so I put her out of her misery.

Who invited him along?

Maybe we should start off with something easier.

Like what?

Like ambushing a couple of Bolians.

You couldn't ambush a Bolian if he was blindfolded and tied to a tree!

QUARK: That's enough!

Get out of here, all of you.

You heard me.

Go.

But, Brother, don't you want to keep practicing?

We're wasting our time, Rom.

We couldn't get anywhere near Moogie, let alone rescue her.

I guess we're not cut out to be heroes after all.

And to think, just a few short days ago,

I was sitting on top of the world.

The King of Squill.

You should have been there, Brother.

It was a very delicate negotiation.

It could've gone either way, but I took my time, picked my moment, and then... went in for the kill.

It was beautiful to behold.

Brother...

I think we've been going about this the wrong way.

We're not commandos.

We're negotiators.

We make deals.

That's what we're good at.

The Dominion has something we want so we need to find something they want...

And then we make a trade!

That way, everyone goes home happy.

Happy and alive.

Now, what do we have to trade?

Captain, I can't thank you enough for all your help.

Don't thank me.

Thank Major Kira.

She's the one that convinced me to talk to Starfleet on your behalf.

Consider it payback, Quark for rescuing me from the Dominion.

SISKO: Breaking you out of the station's holding cell is one thing.

What you're planning to do is considerably more dangerous.

Every negotiation has its share of danger, Captain.

If you say so.

I guess it's time for me to pick up my prisoner.

Just be careful you don't turn your back on him, Quark.

He's not to be trusted.

Neither am I.

Excuse me.

Ah!

Sorry.

This isn't a ship.

It's a closet.

If you don't like it here, leave.

I'll go.

That way there'll be more room for the rest of you.

Besides, this isn't a rescue mission anymore.

It's a simple prisoner exchange.

I don't know why Quark needs any of us.

Because he doesn't trust the Dominion.

And neither do I.

BRUNT: Why would the Dominion pick a deserted Cardassian space station to make the trade?

They didn't pick it, Quark did.

I've been there.

It's the same design as Deep Space 9 so we know the layout.

Well, you have nothing to worry about.

You'll have plenty of places to run and hide.

( Leck laughs )

Everyone, this is Keevan.

We're going to trade him for Ishka.

Hi.

I'm Rom.

This is Nog.

That's Brunt...

QUARK: Rom... he doesn't care.

Truer words have never been spoken.

I'll advise you all to send final messages to your loved ones and make sure your wills are in order.

Why?

Because the moment we leave this station you'll have signed your death warrants.

KEEVAN: Now if you don't mind

I'm going to take a nap.

( tricorder beeping )

All clear!

QUARK: Are you sure?

Tricorder indicates no other life-forms on the station.

NOG: All right.

Let's head for base camp.

"Base camp"?

He means the Infirmary.

It's right over there.

Come on. Let's move it. On the double!

Well, what are you waiting for?

Two slips of latinum for the first man who makes it to the Infirmary.

I mean "base camp."

You don't pay your soldiers to do their duty.

You do if they're Ferengi.

Great! Another closet.

NOG: We've chosen this spot for a reason.

For one thing, it's a confined area with only two ways in or out-- this one, and that one over there.

Secondly, it's near the airlock which gives us access to our ship and third, it's on the Promenade where the prisoner exchange will take place.

Don't touch that.

Some of this medical equipment is still functioning.

Anything for an upset stomach?

What you need is a new backbone.

GAILA: Hey!

I'm a weapons dealer, not a soldier.

Cousin!

Sir, may I suggest we set up our defense perimeter?

Good idea.

How much is this going to cost me?

Don't worry. No charge.

Starfleet has really corrupted you, hasn't it?

You could start by getting the external sensors back on line.

I want to know the minute a Dominion ship gets within ten million kilometers of this station.

I'll set up a transport jamming signal.

That way, the Dominion won't be able to beam our prisoner away without our say-so.

We certainly wouldn't want that to happen, would we?

You don't seem to be too happy at the prospect of rejoining your people.

Believe me when I tell you

I have nothing to be happy about.

Vorta are supposed to commit suicide when they're captured.

I failed to follow that rather... harsh policy.

( chuckles )

So they're going to execute you?

After what is surely going to be a most unpleasant debriefing.

I'm sorry to hear about that, but it's not my problem.

All I want is my Moogie back.

By the time the Dominion is done with you, all you'll want... is a quick... death.

Take him in the next room and see that he stays there.

We'll post a guard on him at all times.

Four hour shifts.

You heard him. Move.

Perhaps you can help me clarify something.

What's the most vulnerable part of a Jem'Hadar's body, hmm?

All right. You have your orders.

Let's get to work.

My son the soldier.

( sighs )

They've ruined him.

( shrieking )

What was that?

Who's screaming?

It's Gaila!

( shrieking )

The Vorta-- where is he?

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

You were guarding him!

He must have slipped away while I was sleeping.

Sleeping?! Who said you could sleep?

I couldn't help it.

I was tired.

I couldn't get any rest on the ship.

The ship... if Keevan gets away, we're finished!

Ah!

Going someplace?

Apparently not.

I couldn't get the impulse engines on line.

That's because I had Rom disengage the induction matrix.

Then why did you bother chasing me?

Because sometimes my brother gets things wrong.

( chuckles )

( panting )

All right, everyone relax.

No harm done.

We still have our prisoner.

( alarm blaring )

What's that?!

It's the alarm I set up.

It means a Dominion ship is approaching.

To the Infirmary!

Let's go!

( yells )

( alarm continues )

( alarm stops )

Now what?

Someone turned the alarm off.

Maybe it went off by itself.

Do you hear something?

Someone's out there.

BRUNT: One of us should go check to make sure.

I nominate Quark.

Me?

I'll go.

Firing line take aim.

Anybody there?

You could say that.

I wonder what they're doing out there.

Shh. I don't hear anything.

Quiet.

Why are we hiding?

There are Jem'Hadar out there.

Of course they're out there.

We asked them to come.

He's right.

Everything's going according to plan.

Now, all you have to do, Quark, is negotiate the prisoner exchange.

Remember, be firm, strong.

But don't get them angry.

Good luck, Brother.

Say "Hi" to Moogie for me.

What if it's a trap?

Of course it's a trap.

They're not here to negotiate.

They're here to kill us all.

You think?

BRUNT: Don't listen to him.

He's just trying to save his own neck.

I'm trying to save all our necks.

VORTA: Ferengi, show yourself.

We're here to trade.

Don't go out there.

We must get back to the ship.

Our only hope is to escape.

We're not going anywhere-- not without Moogie.

Right, Uncle?

Right.

VORTA: Ferengi

I don't like to be kept waiting.

I'm coming.

I'm coming!

And you two are coming with me.

I was afraid he was going to say that.

Rom...

Moogie!

My boys.

I knew you'd come.

You look beautiful.

My lobes haven't been this firm in over a century.

I guess that makes all this worthwhile.

Don't you start with me, Quark.

What a touching and heartfelt reunion.

I'm glad I was here to witness it.

Now, where's Keevan?

I wish to conclude this transaction.

All in good time, but first, I need some assurances.

What kind of assurances?

Well, for one thing,

I don't want any Jem'Hadar soldiers on this station.

That would leave me in a very vulnerable position.

One Vorta against six Ferengi.

If it makes you feel better, these two can stay.

I feel safer already.

Now, where's Keevan?

Hold on, I'm not done yet.

Then, you're going to tell your helmsman to head back to Dominion territory-- warp nine.

That would leave me stranded here.

For a few days.

I see and by the time they return, you'll be long gone.

That's the idea.

VORTA: On the other hand,

I could have my Jem'Hadar storm the Infirmary and kill you all.

I like our plan better.

You attack the Infirmary, and Keevan will be the first to die.

Keevan's fate has already been sealed.

Maybe, but before he dies, I'll bet you'll want to know what Dominion secrets he's revealed to the Federation.

He's got you there, Yelgrun.

Your people have a reputation for cunning.

I see that it's well-earned.

Perhaps one day, the Ferengi will take their place as valued members of the Dominion.

Anything's possible.

I will begin to evacuate the Jem'Hadar at once.

We can exchange the prisoners in, let's say, half an hour?

We'll be waiting.

One more thing.

How do we know that's really Moogie and not a changeling?

I think that uniform is too tight on you, Nog.

It's cutting off circulation to your brain.

Sounds like Moogie.

Only one way to find out.

Wait.

This should be interesting.

Ow!

Yeah. That's blood all right.

I knew it was Moogie.

Now let's see if you're a changeling.

That's no way to tell if he's a changeling.

You're right.

Give me that knife.

I don't think so.

Family... you understand.

Not really.

I was cloned.

No parents?

That explains a lot.

No parents, no sweetheart.

No investment portfolio.

And no patience.

We'll meet back here in one half hour.

Don't be late.

You heard him, Quark.

Rom, I'm counting on you.

Remember-- Moogie loves you.

( all laughing )

You should have seen my brother.

He was brilliant.

NOG: In a half hour we'll have Moogie back and we can all go home.

( all sigh )

Home... to the torrential rains of Ferenginar.

You know what I miss most?

The rotting vegetation.

Yep.

And the dampness.

Oh, to stand once more in those rivers of muck.

Oh, I only wish I could be there with you.

( all chuckling )

I can't believe it.

We're actually going to get the reward money.

50 bars of gold- pressed latinum.

50 bars? You said the reward was 20.

That's what Rom said. 20.

He said 50.

I thought you said you didn't care about latinum.

I don't! I just don't like to be cheated.

Everyone calm down.

Calm down? When my dear cousin is trying to cheat me?

I'm not trying to cheat anyone.

Then what about the other 30 bars?!

There are no other 30 bars... are there?

Uh... no, not really.

LECK: He's lying.

They're in it together.

You're not going to get away with this, Quark!

I come here, risk my life, and for what?!

You've had this coming for a long time, Cousin!

( shrieking )

Look out!

I hate Ferengi.

You idiot.

What are we going to do?

We can't have a prisoner exchange without a prisoner.

If they find out Keevan's dead, they're going to kill us.

Will you stop saying that?

Maybe, if we surrender, they won't hurt us.

I have a better idea.

Let's sneak back to my ship and try to escape.

It's a big station... easy to get lost in.

If we hide, maybe they won't find us.

No one's hiding and no one's escaping and no one's surrendering.

What's wrong with you people?

Have you forgotten the Battle of Prexnak?

Who could forget the most important battle in Ferengi history?!

Ten Ferengi stood alone against 273 Lytasians.

As I recall, all ten Ferengi were slaughtered.

The point is, we Ferengi are just as tough as anyone in the galaxy.

And this is our chance to prove it... once and for all.

LECK: Quark's right.

Let's do it for Ishka.

Let's do it for the Grand Nagus.

Let's do it for Ferengis everywhere!

Let's do it for equal shares of 50 bars of gold-pressed latinum.

It always comes down to profit with you people, doesn't it?

We're Ferengi.

And that's why I love you!

50 bars it is... minus my usual finder's fee.

Well, there's no doubt about it.

According to these readings, this man is dead.

Thank you, Dr. Nog.

I just wanted to be sure.

I thought maybe we could revive him, but I guess not.

He's alive!

No, he isn't.

It's just the neural stimulator.

It caused a reflexive impulse in his cerebellum.

I never knew you studied medicine at the Academy.

I didn't, but if you think about it, medicine isn't that different from engineering.

It's all about keeping things running.

Fixing broken parts.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Find me more neural stimulators!

YELGRUN: It's time, Ferengi.

Bring out your prisoner.

Stall them, Uncle.

I'll try.

YELGRUN: I've done as you asked.

The Jem'Hadar are on their way back to Dominion territory.

We are alone on the station.

Wonderful.

Now bring out Keevan and we can conclude our business.

Keevan. Right. Absolutely.

I'm waiting.

He'll be right out.

But first... my brother has to run some sensor scans to make sure the Jem'Hadar have really left.

That is unnecessary.

The Jem'Hadar are gone.

Now bring me Keevan.

I will, in a few minutes.

No, not in a few minutes. Now!

Or maybe you've changed your mind and you don't want your mother back.

Kill her.

No!

Give them what they want, Quark.

I intend to.

Excellent.

As soon as my brother completes his sensor scans.

And I thought the Breen were annoying.

Very well.

Five minutes... but I will not tolerate any more delays.

Neither will I.

That goes for me, too.

You see, we're all in agreement.

Um... one more thing.

Why am I not surprised?

The prisoner exchange...

I'd like for it to take place outside Airlock 3.

What's wrong with the Promenade?

Nothing, except my ship is docked at Airlock 3.

You understand.

Only too well, but I must say your lack of trust saddens me.

Ah, well... a sign of the times.

Nog, you have five minutes.

All right. Here we go.

( all gasp )

( laughing )

7,500 lots of hypicate futures?

The hypicate root is very versatile.

It's used in certain medicines, diffractive optics, and even some beauty supplies.

Here, feel how smooth my head is.

Cream of hypicate.

I apply it twice a day.

You see, a diversified financial portfolio can mean greater profits and healthier-looking skin.

Fascinating.

I'd love to hear more, but if your son doesn't show up soon,

I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you.

QUARK: Yelgrun!

You ready?

I've been ready for hours.

On a count of three, we release our prisoners.

Agreed?

Agreed.

One... two... three.

What have they done to him?

( quietly ): Straighten him out.

Straighten him out.

I'm trying.

Stop them!

( grunting )

( door opens )

Would you please turn him off?

I can't.

The transceiver is jammed.

Oh, Quark the Grand Nagus is going to be so proud of you.

I know I am.

( approaching footsteps )

Moogie...

What do we do with this one?

We'll take him with us.

He'll be our gift to Starfleet.

They gave us a Vorta, we'll give them one.

Ferengi...

I know, I know... you hate us.

All right, you-- get moving!

This is the sloppiest, most amateurish operation

I've ever seen.

If you ever do something like this again, count me in.

You'll be the first one I call.

If I even think about doing something like this again, shoot me.

So, Brother, how does it feel to be a... hero?

You tell me.

It feels... good?

( laughing )

You bet it does.