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The Emperor's New Cloak

Have you ever seen anything so disgusting?

The way he's undressing her with his eyes.

And look at his hands!

What about his hands?

His gestures-- they're obscene.

You should arrest him.

You're joking.

He's pitiful.

Doesn't he realize she loves me?

I don't think he does.

To be honest, I don't think she does, either.

Thanks for your support.

Brother, I just talked to Moogie.

She says Grand Nagus Zek has disappeared.

What do you mean, disappeared?

He left her a note saying he was going on a business safari to open new territories for financial exploitation. That's our Nagus.

He said he'd be back in five days.

That was 12 days ago.

Twelve?

Has he done this before?

Not for this long.

Moogie did some checking.

No one's heard from him.

He could be hurt or even dead.

We have to do something!

He probably stopped off on Risa you know, for a little rest and relaxation.

Risa? With all those gorgeous women?

He wouldn't do that to Moogie.

Have you looked at our mother lately?

She's not getting any younger.

Now, do us both a favor and stop worrying about Zek.

He'll show up.

Are you sure?

Good-bye, Rom.

Good-bye.

Where'd Ezri go?

Oh, uh, she slipped out the back with Bashir.

They left together? Mm-hmm.

I think they were holding... hands.

Oh.

Blessed Exchequer, whose greed is eternal.

Allow this humble bribe to open your ears and hear this plea from your most devout debtor.

Continue to bless my bar with a steady stream of thirsty customers whose pockets are lined with latinum and whose skills at dabo are shaky at best... and while you're at it...

...see if you can do something about Dr. Bashir.

Don't hurt him or anything.

Just get him off the station for a couple of months.

( chuckles )

Oh, and one other thing.

I opened negotiations with Ezri three months ago but I can't seem to close the deal.

Anything you can do to help...

( door chimes )

( door chimes )

( door chimes )

Come in.

Ezri.

( squeals in pain )

Anyone else here?

Just you and me.

( groans )

Is that the bedroom?

I owe you.

Oh!

Does it have to be so rough the first time?

( gasps )

I don't know what you think is going on here, but think again.

Don't tell me, um...

This is some new kind of therapy?

Am I supposed to start talking about my childhood or something?

I hope not.

Good, because I'd rather talk about us.

Dax... Dax, you're the most fascinating woman I've ever met.

I love you.

There, I said it.

My name's not Dax.

Oh, I-I get it.

Your clothes, the knife, this aggressive attitude-- it's all role-playing.

Call me Shmun.

Shmun? Yeah.

And I'll call you T'lana-- you know, from "Vulcan Love Slave," Volume III.

You're a very confused man, aren't you?

If your friend Zek is depending on you he's in a lot more trouble than he thinks.

Zek? What does he have to do with any of this?

I'll let him explain.

Hello, Quark.

It's me, your Grand Nagus.

You'll never guess where I am.

Risa?

If you said Risa, guess again.

I'm in the alternate universe.

You're probably wondering...

You're not my Dax.

You're from over there.

You're catching on.

Oh...

You see, I'm in a bit of trouble.

I'm being held prisoner by the Alliance and I'm going to need you to help me regain my freedom.

The Regent said he would send me home in exchange for a ship's cloaking device.

They don't have them in this universe.

I wish I'd known that before I got here.

I could have saved myself a lot of aggravation and made a nice profit at the same time.

Oh, well...

My fate is in your hands, Quark.

I need a cloaking device and I need it now.

You're the only one I can count on.

If you do this for me, I promise I'll be eternally grateful.

And don't forget to tell your mother I love her.

Good-bye.

He should have gone to Risa.

The Regent wants the cloaking device in three days.

That's not much time.

Cloaking technology isn't that easy to come by.

You'll find a way.

And if I don't?

The Nagus will die.

( sighing ): Oh.

ROM: Anyone out there?

Not that I can see.

Then let's do it.

QUARK: All right-- together now.

( straining ): Now, lift!

ROM: It's heavy.

QUARK: Oh, I noticed.

Watch the steps.

I see them, Brother.

I told you, cloaking the cloaking device was a good idea.

Brilliant, but couldn't you have done something about its weight?

Uh... nope, but if it makes you feel any better the cloaking device on the Defiant is a lot heavier.

Tell it to my hernia.

You know what's bothering me?

It seems wrong to be stealing a cloaking device for the Alliance.

We're not stealing it for them.

We're stealing it to save Zek.

But what about this other Ezri?

She's a Trill.

So?

So, shouldn't she be with the rebels fighting against the Alliance?

Be sure to point that out when you meet her.

Just don't forget, she carries a knife.

Shh.

Someone's coming.

Set it down, quick.

Oh!

( voices approaching )

Act normal.

I'm telling you, Captain we have to find a way to expand our lines beyond the Kalandra system.

SISKO: I agree.

If we don't move soon the ionic storms will isolate our position.

And allow the Dominion to flank us.

Is something wrong, gentlemen?

It's the bulkhead.

What about it?

Rom's thinking of painting his quarters this color.

They're already that color.

I told you.

No wonder I like it.

It's a very soothing shade of gray.

I'm glad you approve.

Captain...

Hmm?

Carry on.

SISKO: I'll talk to Admiral Ross.

MARTOK: I'll talk to Chancellor Gowron as well.

They're headed for the Klingon ship.

What if they discover the cloaking device is missing?

Let's get out of here.

Where is it?

I'm not sure.

Well, find it.

Ow! Oh!

Good job, Brother.

But I wouldn't touch those induction coils if I were you.

Thanks for the warning.

Up we go.

Come on, Ezri's waiting for us in Cargo Bay 14.

QUARK: One Klingon cloaking device as requested.

As soon as I bring that to the Regent he'll release Zek.

Then what happens?

Then you get him back.

Would you stop doing that?

Doing what?

Staring at me.

Sorry, but you look just like our Ezri except you're a lot taller.

What are you talking about?

She's exactly the same height.

Uh, I don't think so.

Don't be an idiot.

I'm telling you, they're identical... I think.

Do I have to throw you off this transport pad?

One thing's for sure-- their personalities aren't identical.

How do we know the Regent will keep his word and send Zek back to us?

You don't.

But there's not much you can do about it, is there?

Yes, there is.

Brother, I think we should go with her.

I don't think you'll like it too much on the other side.

That, I believe.

But my idiot brother is right.

We're coming with you.

MARTOK: Ferengi!

I'll have you hanging by your ears.

Well, what are we waiting for?

ROM: It didn't work.

Yes, it did.

We're on Terok Nor.

It looks like Deep Space 9 to me.

I suppose a cargo bay is a cargo bay no matter what universe you're in.

But this is an alternate universe.

Shouldn't everything be different?

It's different enough.

Remember what Captain Sisko once told us-- in this universe, we're both dead.

That's so sad.

I would have liked to meet myself.

We better get moving.

I've got a ship waiting for us on Landing Pad C.

What's the rush?

This is a rebel base and we're working for the Alliance.

Vic?

I thought you two were dead.

We are!

You're not a hologram.

A what?

Throw down your phasers, Fontaine.

I'll see you in hell first.

( yells )

I can't believe it.

Julian just shot Vic Fontaine.

I thought Vic was his favorite singer.

No wonder they call it the alternate universe.

You, behind the crates!

You can come out now.

Do as he says.

Well, well, well... look who we have here.

I'll bet you're surprised to see us but I can explain.

You worthless piece of space trash.

Don't hurt her!

( groaning )

Hey, you're supposed to be the good guys!

My mistake.

SMILEY: I'm sorry, Rom, but that cloaking device of yours is now the property of the Terran Resistance Forces.

But you don't understand.

You have to give us back the cloaking device.

We need it to rescue the Nagus.

That's not who you should be worried about right now.

Do you know what we do to Alliance sympathizers?

Give it a rest, Julian.

I'll give it a rest just as soon as these three get what's coming to them.

I don't know about you, but I like our Bashir better.

SMILEY: You have to forgive him.

He's had a rough go of it lately.

He lost a close friend in a skirmish with Alliance troops.

This has nothing to do with Jadzia.

Do you know what would happen to us if the Alliance got hold of a cloaking device?

SMILEY: It wouldn't be pretty.

They'd wipe us out in a matter of weeks.

Besides, there's nothing I loathe more than traitors.

I'm not a traitor.

She's right.

You have to believe in something before you can betray it.

I believe in getting paid for my work and you still owe me for the last job I did for you.

We're fighting for our freedom here-- for our very lives-- and all you care about is money?

Like you said, you have to have something to believe in.

Let me ram those words down her throat.

You're forgetting something, Julian.

The Alliance didn't get the cloaking device-- we did and that gives us the edge-- and we have these gentlemen to thank for it.

So what do you want to do-- give them medals?

I don't think their Captain Sisko would be too pleased to know they were over here interfering in our affairs.

That's why we didn't tell him.

Huh. Thought as much.

I say we send them back to where they belong-- let Sisko deal with them.

We can't go back... not without Zek.

The way I see it, you've got two choices.

You can either head back to where you came from or you can head for Alliance territory and try to rescue your friend without the cloaking device.

You have till morning to decide.

Either way... you're staying with us.

Tough break.

I'll live.

Are you sure?

( sighs )

Don't worry about me.

Smiley's right about one thing-- if you're found in Alliance territory without the cloaking device, you're dead.

Are you suggesting we should go back home?

It's the smart move.

Do we look smart to you?

You have such nimble fingers, my dear.

( chuckling )

How many times have I heard that?

I don't think I could survive this incarceration without them.

Oh, I'm glad to be of help.

I only wish I could return the favor.

After all, you've been suffering here for a lot longer than I have.

It hasn't been too bad.

I always find a way of amusing myself and besides, when your people give the Regent the cloaking device we'll both be free.

If Quark and Rom don't screw things up.

( screams )

( blow lands, grunting )

INTENDANT: Have a seat, big boy.

( whimpers )

You told me your people could deliver the cloaking device.

You guaranteed it!

Well, so I said, and so they shall.

Well, then we have nothing to worry about.

( laughing )

Oh... so fragile.

Ah.

That's quite a temper you have, my dear.

Mmm. It's one of my best features.

Now, where were we?

Mind going back to tugging at my ear hairs?

Mmm... your wish is my command.

( giggling )

We have to find a way out of here.

And then?

And then we get our hands on the cloaking device and finish what we started.

All right. Let's say you manage to save this Grand Nagus of yours... then what?

Then we go home... and never come back here again.

That's it?

Isn't it enough?

Quark, don't play dumb with me.

You're risking your life for him.

There has to be a reason for it.

He's the Nagus, he's the man my mother loves not to mention, he's the head of the Ferengi Alliance.

In other words, he's rich.

( chuckling )

They don't come any richer.

I see.

How much are you expecting to get out of him?

Knowing the Nagus, I'd say... a pat on the head and a fistful of empty promises.

I don't understand.

There's nothing to understand.

He's my Nagus... and when your Nagus gets in trouble you're supposed to do something about it.

Why?

I don't know.

Loyalty?

You're kidding me, right?

You're doing this out of loyalty?

Would you stop looking at me like that?

You're making me feel like an idiot.

EZRI: I hope so.

Brother...

I just realized something.

This should be good.

This is supposed to be an alternate universe but their Captain O'Brien seems as nice as our Chief O'Brien.

So? Don't you see?

It doesn't make any sense.

It's not "alternate."

Go back to sleep, Rom.

Right... but it's all very confusing.

( phaser fire )

What was that?

How would I know?

ROM: Brother, look out!

It's Brunt!

QUARK: I don't think it's our Brunt.

What took you so long?

Sorry. Been a little busy.

I had to break into the cargo bay steal back the cloaking device you lost and get it into our ship.

But on top of that...

Okay, quit your complaining and get us out of here.

I'm... working on it.

Aah...

You two must be hungry.

I've got food and drink waiting for you on the ship.

He's so nice.

Scary, isn't it?

( low engine rumble )

What was that?

Brunt modified the dilithium matrix to maximize the output.

He did, did he?

He's a very good engineer.

He's also a very good cook.

These fried tube grubs are dee-licious.

Better hope he didn't poison them.

( chuckling )

Mmm... maybe in our universe, he'd do something like that-- but not over here.

Over here, everything's... alternate.

So he's a nice guy.

Which means the tube grubs here should be poisonous because they're not poisonous on our side.

But if Brunt gave us poisonous tube grubs... it would mean he wasn't as nice as we think he is but he has to be nice because our Brunt isn't.

Rom you're driving me crazy.

It's not me, Brother. It's this alternate universe.

It just doesn't make any sense.

More tube grubs?

Yes, please.

No.

Yes!

Oh, no.

In case you get hungry.

I put a cup of hot tea by your bunk.

You should get some rest.

( groaning )

It has been a long day.

( yawns )

You're telling me.

We're not due to rendezvous with the Regent's ship for another 46 hours.

I'll wake you long before that.

( laughing )

I'd like to see the look on Bashir's face when he discovers we've stolen back the cloaking device.

You think he and Smiley will come after us?

Oh, they can't let the Regent get his hands on that technology.

Sounds like your sympathies are with the rebels.

I hate the Alliance.

Then why help them get the cloaking device?

Ezri and I are partners.

More than that-- she's... the closest friend I've ever had.

And how close is that?

Not as close as I'd like.

Too bad.

I'm not her type.

And I don't think you are, either.

What makes you say that?

Let's just say that when it comes to men, she's... very particular.

( sneezing loudly )

Interesting.

My sinuses are clear for the first time in years.

See if this Ferengi has any more of this... beetle snuff.

Certainly. But first, my Regent

I must talk to you about the Intendant.

It's taken us over two years to track down that treacherous wench.

We should eliminate her and be done with it.

I will deal with the Intendant in my own way and in my own time but first, I want that cloaking device!

Yes.

Think of it-- with a fleet of cloaked ships

I will be able to crush the rebellion once and for all!

And then, we can kill the Intendant.

We will see.

ROM: Big ship.

How do we know we can trust the Regent?

Once he has the cloaking device there's nothing to stop him from killing us all.

It's a little late to back out now, Quark.

By bringing him the cloaking device you've proven yourself useful.

Believe me the Regent never gets rid of anyone he finds useful.

I hope you're right.

Me, too.

You-- come here.

Your Regent needs you.

Nice fit.

Our visitors from the other universe have arrived and I'm happy to report they have not come empty-handed.

Look who the Regent is.

So?

So who's president of the Federation? Gul Dukat?

They don't have a Federation here.

Is there a problem, Ferengi?

Just ignore him.

Now... if you'll give us the Nagus, we'll be on our way and you can go on with your plans for mass destruction genocide and all those other good things.

Victory is finally within my grasp.

I want this operational within the hour.

And it will be so, Exalted One.

We have a deal, right?

Do we?

Tell him.

INTENDANT: Yes, my dear... why don't you tell him?

( quiet chuckle )

I knew you wouldn't disappoint me.

Uh-oh.

You're not going to give us the Nagus, are you?

You... you knew about this all along.

What can I say?

I'm loyal to my friends.

Isn't she just the best?

I don't understand-- you're letting her go?

She earned it.

Having them bring us the cloaking device was her idea.

Get rid of these two.

Is that really necessary? They could come in handy.

If the Regent wants your opinion he'll ask for it.

Do not kill them just yet.

But Your Magnificence...

You heard me!

Lock them up.

Let's go.

I hope you two are very happy together.

We will be.

Our Ezri would never betray us, which means...

Oh, don't start with that again.

Right...

Rom, you're not going to tell your mother about the Intendant and me, are you?

It would break her heart.

In a million pieces.

You see, she worships me... and I worship her right back.

Besides, this is all your fault.

If it weren't for you, I never would have been able to get to this universe.

You remember the last time you came home to visit your mother?

Well, one night while you were sleeping, I got up to get a bite to eat.

And there on the kitchen table, was a Starfleet padd.

My... engineering notebook?

With the schematics for the multidimensional transporter that Chief O'Brien gave me to study.

You stole it!

I'm your Nagus.

You have no secrets from me.

I still don't understand why you'd want to come here in the first place.

Simple, really.

I came to find new financial opportunities for the Ferengi people.

In the alternate universe?!

Well... it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Right now it would be a good idea for us to find a way out of here.

I just don't feel right about this.

Quark and Rom deserve better.

Forget about them, all right?

That's just it-- I can't.

I like them... and so do you.

Don't tell me who I like.

Talk to the Intendant-- she listens to you.

Tell her the Ferengi kept their part of the bargain.

We should do the same.

What a novel idea.

Now, I can't remember the last time I kept my word.

Maybe now's a good time to start.

Forget it, Brunt.

No, not this time.

That's all right.

Let him talk, my dear.

He obviously feels very passionately about this and you know how responsive I am to passion.

Go on.

What do we gain from their death?

Nothing.

On the other hand, if we let them live they may come in handy.

I never thought of that.

The Regent will give them to you.

All you have to do is ask.

Maybe... but why waste a favor on those two little trolls?

No, I'm afraid

I don't much care for your suggestion and as a matter of fact...

I don't much like you, either.

( groans )

No!

He was going to betray me.

I could see it in his eyes.

You wouldn't do that to me, would you?

Would you?!

Oh... oh, oh, oh, no.

No. No, of course you wouldn't.

( sighing )

I...

I've suffered so many disappointments in my life--

Brunt... Sisko, Bareil... the list goes on and on.

( sighs )

Dispose of that, would you?

It depresses me.

It's your mess.

You clean it up.

She's not afraid of anyone, is she?

Not even me.

Regent, long-range sensors have detected an enemy ship.

It's the Defiant.

Excellent!

It is time to test the cloaking device.

Um, I'm afraid it's not yet operational.

And why is that?

Well, it's a very complicated piece of equipment.

One of the Ferengi seemed to know how it worked.

Then why is he not here?

I'll get him.

Getting the cloaking device on line?

That's simple.

Good.

Lower the force field.

QUARK: Hold on a second.

Why should we help the Regent?

Or you, for that matter?

I'm trying to save your lives.

That's a very worthy goal!

Since when do you care about what happens to us?

All right, forget it.

I don't want to forget it.

I'm sorry, Brother.

Maybe you want to die in this crazy, mixed-up universe but I don't.

Neither do I!

Lower the force field.

I suppose we have nothing to lose.

Where do you think you're going?

With him-- he needs my help.

You're a bartender, Quark.

What are you going to do, mix him a drink?

Don't worry, Brother.

I'm not thirsty.

I don't expect you to believe this but I am trying to help you.

You're right!

I don't believe you.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Isodine coupler.

Does this look like an isodine coupler to you?

I don't see how anything gets fixed around here!

I'd advise you to watch your tone of voice, Ferengi!

Or what?

You won't let me install the cloaking device?!

I'm... sorry if I've upset you.

Now, will you please get back to work?

Don't mind if I do.

( whispering )

Oh.

Really?

Absolutely.

I have never tried that before.

Few man have, but I think you'll find it very stimulating.

What do you expect in return?

Terok Nor, of course.

I was planning on destroying that station.

Plans can be changed.

I will consider it.

What more can I ask?

ROM: Uh...

( singsongy ): Mr. Regent...

What is it?

Your cloak is ready.

Ah.

GARAK: I'll take over from here.

It's working.

Well done.

INTENDANT: You mean, no one can see us?

How deliciously deceitful.

Are you certain you know how to operate the device?

Well, what I don't know, I always can learn.

ROM: It's pretty simple once you understand the basics.

Now... what about my brother and the Nagus?

Do we have any further use for them?

Not that I can think of.

Then get rid of them.

You mean, we're going home?

No.

He means you're going to die.

That settles it!

I'm never helping you again!

Or anyone else, for that matter.

Come along, now.

I'm really beginning to hate this universe.

GARAK: What we have here, gentlemen is 10cc's of concentrated Ulcartic virus.

It's very deadly and quite painful.

It elevates the temperature of your body heating your internal organs until they literally boil.

I was hoping to use this on the Intendant, but I suppose

I'll have to settle for the for the four of you.

Now... who would like to go first?

I'm waiting.

( chuckles )

Why don't you give us a couple of days to think it over and we'll get back to you.

All right, then, I'll pick.

Let's see...

What an amateur.

Excuse me?

I mean, compared to our Garak.

Now that man knows how to conduct an interrogation.

I'm not interrogating anyone.

ZEK: Why not?

Did it ever occur to you that we may know things that you could use to your advantage?

Like what?

We're not going to tell you-- not unless you interrogate us.

I don't have time for this.

I want to be on the Bridge when we destroy the Defiant.

In our universe, work comes before pleasure.

Our Garak would have us hanging by our toenails by now telling him all our secrets.

What secrets?

That's for us to know and you to find out.

If you were smart you'd cross over to our universe and get some pointers from our Garak.

When it comes to torture assassination and sabotage you could learn a lot from him.

I know all there is to know about sabotage.

( laughing )

That's not what we hear.

Something's wrong.

We should have caught that Ferengi ship long ago.

We'll find them.

For all we know the Regent may already have the cloaking device.

In fact, he might have us in his sights right now and we wouldn't even know it.

Don't start getting paranoid, Smiley.

Even if the Regent has the cloaking device chances are, it isn't functional yet.

I hope you're right.

They have no idea that we are behind them.

There's nothing I enjoy better than a good ambush.

It is time.

I don't understand.

Is this Garak of yours an assassin or a tailor?

An assassin. Both. Tailor.

Never mind.

I have to be back on the Bridge.

Now... who's first?

Drop the cloak!

I hate it when you're right.

Evasive action-- now!

Fire!

What was that?

Sabotage-- what else?

( hostile hissing )

( yelling )

We've experienced primary system failure.

That Ferengi, he did this!

I'm unable to get anything back on line.

( frustrated grunting )

( yelling )

You taught me something about sabotage, and now

I'm going to teach you something about pain.

( groaning ) ( laughing )

( yells )

( moaning )

( breathing heavily )

How much is this going to cost us?

I'm not doing this for money.

Then why?

Do you want to get out of here or not?

Of course we do.

Then stop asking questions and let's go.

They're not coming after us.

Why not?

They can't.

Their power grid's off-line.

( chuckles )

Then what do you say we give the Regent a proper greeting?

Reversing course.

We must raise shields!

We can't!

I don't know how much more of this the hull can withstand.

HELMSMAN: Captain O'Brien would like to have a word with you.

O'BRIEN: That's a nice ship you have

Regent.

I'd hate to see it destroyed.

But, of course, if you insist...

( sighs )

What are your terms?

Ooh, a simple unconditional surrender should do the trick.

INTENDANT: I'm afraid you've run out of options.

Victory is yours.

( chuckling )

Prepare to be boarded.

WORF: I have been betrayed.

I knew I should have killed those two Ferengi the moment they came aboard.

( frustrated grunting )

What a surprise.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

Here I am.

Is that really necessary?

I was about to ask you the same question.

Ah.

( laughs )

That's better.

You and I have to get to one of the escape shuttles.

You go.

I'm staying here.

You can't be serious.

You shouldn't have killed Brunt.

Isn't it a little late to be developing a conscience?

I hope not.

Brunt's dead?

Sorry... wrong Brunt.

We're not going to let her get away, are we?

I owe her that much.

Oh, let her go.

There's something about that woman

I find intoxicating.

( cheering )

ROM: Glad to be going home?

You bet I am.

That doesn't mean I won't be coming back.

Here? What for?

There's a fortune to be made in the alternate universe.

I can feel it in my lobes.

Well, don't expect us to come chasing after you again.

Oh, no, I won't.

( laughs ): Next time, I'll bring you along with me.

In that case

I won't bother saying good-bye.

You know... coming back here isn't such a bad idea... if I knew I could see you again.

I'm not going anywhere.

I could stick around a couple of days.

You could show me the station.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

I could help you work on that conscience of yours.

I think I can take it from here.

Excuse me.

Leeta?

Do I know you?

We're married!

( incredulous chuckle )

I don't think so.

You're Ezri, right?

Captain Smiley wants me to debrief you.

Must be my lucky day.

This is quite a fascinating place don't you agree?

I want to go home.

Me, too.