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Everything Is Great!

[Eleanor] Last season on The Good Place...

[Michael] In the afterlife, there's a Good Place and there's a Bad Place.

-You're in the Good Place. -[sighs]

Eleanor, you are my soulmate.

Chidi, you'll stand by my side, no matter what, right?

Of course I will.

-I'm not supposed to be here. -Wait, what?

Eleanor, Chidi, I would like you to meet Tahani and Jianyu.

-Oh! You booped me. -I did!

His real name is Jason. He's a drug-dealing DJ from Florida.

What's up, homie?

The problem in the neighborhood is me.

You have all done bad things since you arrived here.

The Bad Place is owed two people. You can decide.

Holy motherforking shirt balls.

This is the Bad Place.

[laughs]

Except for you four, everyone in this neighborhood is one of us.

You saw us all on Earth: a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud.

You thought we would torture each other.

The only thing you succeeded in doing was bringing us all together.

That's it. My big mistake was having you be soulmates living next to each other.

Next time, I'll spread you out so it's more of a slow burn.

I'm going to erase your memories, make a few changes and start over again.

Got to get the boss man to sign off.

If this thing goes sideways again, you are done.

[Eleanor] Do your worst. We figured it out once. We can do it again.

Janet, open up.

Because you know what, Michael? Ya basic--

-You, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. -Cool.

I'm your soulmate.

You'll stand by me no matter what, right?

Hold that thought. Is it okay if I go work out?

I gotta stay jacked. It's who I am.

See you soon.

-Hi, there. -[gasps]

I'm Janet. I think this is yours.

After I was rebooted, I found it in my mouth.

What the fork is a "Chidi"? Why can't I say "fork"?

Okay, here we go.

Confidence, Mikey. Project confidence.

There he is. How's it goin', boss man?

Enough chitchat. Is everything in place for version two?

Yep! We're keeping everything from version one that made them miserable, adding a bunch of new stuff that they'll hate.

For example, all the coffee is from those little pods.

[laughs] Diabolical.

Plus, they will all have new soulmates, of course.

You gotta trust me on this, boss. I've thought of everything.

-I won't let you down. -I think you will.

I think this entire project of yours is stupid and doomed to fail.

I think you're going to be retired, eliminated from existence,

and burned on the surface of a billion suns.

And I have no doubt that you and your cockamamie experiment

will go down in history as colossal failures.

-You know, I think if you-- -Toodle-oo.

[Michael] Okay. Take two, folks.

Any last questions before we start up again? Yes.

Just so I'm clear, we're not pairing them up this time?

Correct. Obviously, the eventual goal is to get them to torture each other.

But, first, we're gonna create some nice, individual torment.

In version one, making them soulmates, we probably bit off more than we could chew.

We could bite them? I didn't know we were allowed to bite them.

That's an expression, Chuck.

Go ahead, Vicky.

I have some questions about my new character.

I feel like I got "real" Eleanor. Like, I got her, you know?

But this new character, Denise. I mean, who is she? I don't get her.

Is she a quirky best friend type, or more of a "femme fatale, sexuality is her weapon of choice" type?

Both those things.

I have some questions about my character, too.

Like... can he bite them?

No. Okay, reminder, the most important thing tonight, and this is crucial, you need to get Eleanor drunk at the welcome party so she will say and do a bunch of bad stuff.

Then, we take that stuff and use it to build our chaos sequence in the morning.

For example, you remember last time, she stole all the cocktail shrimp,

and we made giant nightmare shrimp fly through the sky?

[all laugh]

See, it's those details that make her realize she's in danger of being found out.

Okay, all right, I know that this kind of large-scale deception is not what you were trained to do.

There are gonna be days when you are just sick of being around these disgusting humans, with their weird, gross little mouths and their stupid elbows.

You're gonna be tempted to say, "Screw it. Can't we just go back to HQ, and do this the old-fashioned way?

Pull out some fingernails, toss someone in an acid pit, fire up the old penis flattener?"

And sure, that sounds nice, but it also sounds easy.

We're all here because we believe that there's a better way to make humans miserable. And I... I believe in you.

So, torture on three. Ready? One, two, three...

[all] Torture!

And biting!

Nope! No.

[theme music playing]

{\an8}Hey, lady? Can you come back?

{\an8}Joey?

{\an8}Janine?

{\an8}[stammers] Jaja?

{\an8}Why don't I ever listen to people when they talk about themselves?

{\an8}No, it's annoying, and I'm right not to.

{\an8}Okay, Chidi, where are you? Or what are you?

{\an8}A type of soup, maybe?

{\an8}[indistinct conversation]

Hi, there. I'm Eleanor.

{\an8}Nice to meet you, Eleanor. I'm Nina, this is my soulmate, Bart.

{\an8}Love it! Love people's names, and love learning all about them.

{\an8}Where are you all from?

{\an8}Well, oddly enough, I was born in Mozambique--

{\an8}Cool. Listen, do you guys know if there's a neighborhood phone book

{\an8}with everybody's name listed in it?

{\an8}Oh, I don't think so, 'cause there's no phones here.

{\an8}There are no phones here?

{\an8}-Of course. Duh! -[both chuckle]

{\an8}There's no use for 'em.

{\an8}I always prefer talking to people, anyway.

{\an8}People are like nature's apps.

Hmm. Anyway, we're on our way to get some pizza. Would you like to join us?

Maybe we could get know each other a little bit, chat.

Uh, I'm good. I'm gonna explore a little bit, but it was so nice to meet you, Nina, and--

Bye-bye.

Oh, sorry, I didn't see you.

Chidi? Are you Chidi?

-Eleanor? What are you up to? -Oh! Hey there, Michael.

Just getting to know everyone in the neighborhood.

Who was that mysterious gentleman wearing the nightgown?

Oh, uh, that's Jianyu, a Taiwanese monk who never speaks.

Might be a little hard to get to know him. [chuckles]

Eleanor, you and I both know you're not like everyone else in this neighborhood.

Everyone here led a remarkable life.

But you, the work you did as an environmental activist was just extraordinary.

Uh...

Oh, well, it's the environment.

I mean, I loved... mushrooms.

I can honestly say that.

Well, it paid off because you were the number one point-getter in this entire neighborhood.

And as such, I was hoping you could say a few words at tonight's welcome party to introduce yourself?

How can I say no? [chuckles]

Can I say no? It doesn't feel like I can say no.

-But if I can, Michael, I'm saying no. -Okay.

You'll speak for maybe an hour or so? Hey, you know what?

I got you something to wear here.

All the top point-getters wear these on the first night.

Oh, you gotta be forking kidding me.

{\an8}So, long story short, my heart is in the Pope,

{\an8}my liver's in the Dalai Lama, and my teeth were strung into a necklace for a child king in French Polynesia.

But it got me into the Good Place, so can't complain.

Wow! Can I tell you something, just soulmate to soulmate?

Hold that thought. I'm gonna head to the gym.

[chuckles]

Are you serious? Again, right now?

Yeah. I'll catch you later.

Hey, there, Best Person.

{\an8}You must be Eleanor. I'm Jessica, the host.

-Hi. -Michael told us about your speech.

I can't wait to hear what you have to say.

Me neither, Jessica. Me neither.

Aw, don't be nervous. Here, liquid courage.

Actually, um, you know what? I think I need to keep a clear head.

Can you imagine getting drunk before giving a big speech?

Getting kicked out of your niece's christening and then, only later, once you've sobered up, realized you don't even have a niece? It's like, who was that kid?

[chuckles]

So, Eleanor, you were an environmental lawyer.

-That's fascinating. -I know.

Just don't ask me questions about it.

I am sick of describing exactly what it means.

Hey, I'm headed to the bar. Can I grab you something?

-How about a margarita? -No, I'm good.

{\an8}Actually, I'm the best. According to the sash.

-She's still not drinking? -Nope. Something's off.

Should we...

[chomping]

No.

-Keep it together. -Yeah.

Screw it. Couple of quick shots.

Then I'm coming for you, shrimpies.

[woman] Please don't make this harder than it already is, Chidi.

These are for you. Drink up.

Hi. Is your name Chidi?

Yes?

Ah! I knew you weren't a soup.

-What? -Listen to me carefully.

My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

We need to talk.

Chidi? Come on in.

[Chidi] There really is an afterlife.

I can't wait to have breakfast with Kant, lunch with Michel Foucault, dinner with Kant again, so we can talk about what came up at breakfast--

I'm sorry, Chidi, all the great philosophers in history ended up in the Bad Place.

All of my heroes are--

Being tortured. Yes. I'm afraid so.

Actually, it is kind of clever how they punish philosophers.

Every day, they make them go to school naked.

Then they take a test in a class they've never been to. [chuckles]

Then they smash them with hammers. That part is not so clever.

But the point is, Chidi, you were way better than all of them.

You're safe.

-No way. Soulmates are real? -They sure are.

Although, your soulmate situation is a little unusual.

Oh, no. I don't have one, do I? That's fine. Who needs a soulmate, anyway?

My soulmate will be... books.

No, no. It's not that you don't have a soulmate.

It's that you have multiple soulmates.

Here, now, normally our omniscient system perfectly analyzes each person's profile and matches him or her with another person.

But in your case, the system matched you with two other people.

It's a rare occurrence, like a double rainbow.

Or someone on the Internet saying,

"You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong."

So, how do you choose who I should be with?

I don't choose. You do, Chidi.

I... What?

This is Angélique, Pedro and Pevita.

According to the system, either Pedro or Chidi could be matched perfectly with either Angélique or Pevita. So, figure it out. Should be fun.

Cool beans. One second, guys.

-So, so-- Yeah. -Yeah?

So, making decisions isn't necessarily my strong suit.

I know that, buddy.

You once had a panic attack at a Make Your Own Sundae bar.

There were too many toppings and very early in the process, you had to commit to a chocolate palette or a fruit palette.

If you couldn't decide, you wound up with kiwi, Junior Mint, raisin, and it ruins everyone's night.

Chidi, I am so sorry. I literally cannot choose for you.

This has to be your decision.

Buddy, you gotta trust me.

I would never place you in a painful situation.

Great. [clears throat]

You ready, Chidi?

[mouthing] Perfect.

Here you go, Chidi. One slice of Hawaiian straight out the oven for ya.

I'm Denise. Welcome to my pizza place.

-Thanks, Denise. -And here's one for you. Have a nice day.

It's interesting that Hawaiian pizza's so popular here.

Yeah, I guess a lot of the residents love it.

Makes you wonder what type of pizza they have in the Bad Place, huh?

[both chuckle]

So, I can't believe you studied in Brisbane.

We must've just missed each other. What was your thesis on?

Oh, gosh. It was so boring. It was called, "Cultural Relativism and Moral Absolutism:

An Exploration of Values As Seen Through the Works of Alain LeRoy Locke

-and Immanuel Kant." -And Immanuel Kant!

Shut up. You read it?

No, but that pairing is the most obvious pairing to employ in a paper with that title, and I wanna read it so bad.

What about Morocco?

You ever travel there?

[clicks tongue]

No.

What about anywhere else? You been anywhere else?

No.

So, first impressions? Anyone?

I kinda wanna hear what Chidi thinks.

Well, um, I mean, you're both brilliant, accomplished women, and Pedro, you're great, too.

Just amazing people. I'm surrounded. [exclaims and chuckles]

But if I had to say who I, sort of, immediately bonded to on a gut level,

I think I would say that

I kind of feel like my soulmate is Angélique--

[panting] Wait! Wait!

There was a mistake in the calculations.

We had a four-hour time gap in your profiles on May 10, 2003.

I corrected that day's events for all of you, and ran the numbers again.

And the final result proves definitively that Pedro is Angélique's soulmate, and, Chidi, your soulmate is Pevita.

That was close. [chuckles]

Hey. You guys hadn't made a decision yet, had you?

No, we did not.

No one said anything, I didn't hear anything, and I certainly didn't say anything. That's for darn sure.

[both laugh]

Okay. All right. See you later.

This is fun. It's a fun party.

There's no question about it. This is a fun situation.

Hey. You guys are here. The fun continues, nay, increases.

You two look nice.

Thanks. And you look... fine.

Would I say you look better than anyone else here?

No, I wouldn't say that. Do you look bad? No.

But good, would I go as far to say is, you look good? Doubtful.

Hey, wine.

Mmm. Uh...

Do I feel like red or white?

Deep down in your heart of hearts, you already know which one you want.

Why isn't anyone talking?

Janet, could you show me to the bar, please?

Oh! Hey. Chidi, right? Denise. We met earlier, remember?

-Oh, yeah. Hi. Are you limping? -Yeah, I am.

Crazy story.

See, I was a trapeze artist in an illegal circus in Bangladesh--

-Angélique. -Hey, how are you doing?

[chuckles] Oh, well, you know... stomach's in knots, I'm stress-grinding my teeth, and it feels like my soul is being suffocated.

You know, your standard paradise stuff. How about you?

It's been a little uncomfortable.

I think Pedro maybe heard you say that thing you were gonna say.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry, I...

But I have to ask, do you feel the way I feel?

-We can't talk about this. -I know, but if the numbers were that close, I think I'm supposed to be with--

Stop. Please don't make this harder than it already is, Chidi.

These are for you.

Hi. Is your name Chidi?

-Yes? -Ah! I knew you weren't a soup!

-What? -Listen to me very carefully.

My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. We need to talk.

-About what? -Just shut your mouth, smile at me and walk over here.

Okay, you're definitely my least favorite person I've met so far.

I'm sorry, this is not a good time.

I'm in the middle of something--

Dude, I'm guessing we have about 30 seconds to talk before someone notices.

When I got here, some robot lady appeared out of thin air and gave me this.

-You mean Janet. -[groans] That's it. Janet.

-Hi, there. -Not now, Janet. Buzz off.

Okay.

Now, I have no memory of writing this, but it is my handwriting.

{\an8}That's your name, right?

So, for some reason, at some point,

I put this note into... that whatever-lady's robot mouth.

You already forgot her name.

No, I didn't. Her name is Janet.

-Hi, there. -[gasps] Fork off.

Okay.

From the second I got here, these nerds have been acting real weird, trying to get me drunk.

My soulmate ditches me every time I try to talk to him.

And this Zen master guy gave me this magic bracelet thing.

And then he just ran away.

Something very strange is going on here, and the only person I trust is me.

And me told me to find you. So, what's the deal?

What's happening? What do you got?

Okay. Look, I'm sorry, but none of this means anything to me, and I've got my own problems to deal with. I'm sorry. I can't help you.

-Attention, everyone! Speech time. -[glass chimes]

You're probably not a magic wizard trapped in an amulet.

But if you are, please get me out of this speech.

Tahani, come on in.

You're in the Good Place, Tahani.

[exclaims] What a surprise!

But, yes, I accept.

This is your soulmate, Tomás.

Now, Tomás was a doctor with the International Rescue Alliance, and you raised money that ultimately funded his medical mission.

It's just so perfect.

-It's lovely to meet you, Tahani. -Charmed, I'm...

Short.

I'm sorry, did I just say "short"?

I meant to say, "Charmed, I'm sure." Because I am charmed to meet you.

It's just an unfortunate Freudian short. [chuckles]

Shall we?

Where did you attend medical short?

So, this is the living room, as well as the kitchen and the bedroom.

-It's so cozy. -[chuckles]

I feel like the walls are hugging me.

Michael, I don't mean to be rude, but this is simply absurd.

Yes. Thank you. I didn't want to say anything, but--

There's only two of us. We don't need all this space.

"All this space"?

Of course, you two humanitarians don't want anything extravagant.

I'll get rid of the second floor.

Okay. I'll let you two have some alone time.

I'll see you at the party.

Well, it certainly is quite quaint. It's just... fun... I dare say, even quite charming... Oh, no.

-What's the matter? -Sorry, it's just a self-portrait of my sister.

Wonderful.

Your sister is Kamilah Al-Jamil?

I used to play her music for my patients.

At times, it felt like Kamilah's songs were curing the malaria for us.

Great.

Well, I best be getting changed for tonight.

I can hardly wear a day dress to an evening event.

Sounds good. I'm ready whenever you are.

-Is that what you're wearing? -Oh, yeah.

My years treating remote villagers taught me to favor comfort over style.

But you should wear whatever you prefer.

Well, I mean, as we are soulmates, perhaps, I should also... dress down.

You all right, my dear?

Yes. Just not used to dressing like a plumber-ess.

Is that what you call a female plumber, or is it a toilet sweep?

Or clog wench?

[chuckles] In any case, that's how I'm dressed.

My darling, you are in the Good Place. Relax. Feel the breeze on your feet.

That's why Crocs have holes in them. I'll get us a drink.

Lower that beautiful face for me, won't you?

-Lower, lower, lower, lower, lower... -Okay.

Tahani, you all right?

Michael, hello. Yes, I'm having a splendid time.

Although, if I'm being honest, a few aspects of my day have been sub-optimal.

Really? Like what?

[sighs] Well, my house is a bit small, which is fine.

It's just not what I'm used to. And Tomás is lovely, but we haven't really "clicked" yet, to use a mundane colloquialism, which I suppose I should do, now that I'm wearing cargo pants.

Tahani, it's very common to experience adjustment pains.

But the system matched you and Tomás. And the system is never wrong.

But guess what? This is the Good Place.

If you want your house to be larger, then just ask.

Do you want something this big?

Or maybe bigger, like the Taj Mahal.

I know, I know. How about a moon?

Would you like to live on your own private moon?

No. No. No. My house is wonderful.

It's so silly to want a bigger house, of all things, here in paradise. So, no. No changes needed.

Okay. But if you change your mind, just ask.

Because all the other residents are very happy, so it'll give me plenty of time to deal with whatever requests you make.

No demand is too, what's the word, frivolous. Okay?

Wow. That is rough.

[Angélique] Please don't make this harder than it already is, Chidi.

These are for you. Drink up.

-No, no. I-- -[chuckles] Hey! Twinsies.

-I'm sorry? -Look. Cargo pants buddies.

[chuckles] I bet we have a lot in common.

I was a garbage man in Winnipeg. How about you?

Okay.

Crocs also?

[glass chimes]

Speech time!

You're probably not a magic wizard trapped in an amulet.

But if you are, please get me out of this speech.

I've asked our top point-getter here to say a few words.

So, take it away, Eleanor.

[all applaud]

-The dictionary defines "best" as being-- -Oh, God. Boring.

I'd like to say a few words if nobody minds.

Thank you, wizard.

I am Tahani. Tahani am me.

And even though I wasn't a "number one point-getter,"

I want to welcome you all to the neighborhood.

You all look so beautiful tonight with your regular-size pockets, regular-size soulmates...

No offense, darling, wherever you are.

Probably somewhere down there.

Why don't you try to ease her off the stage and take over?

The point is, we're all good people, right?

We all did the right thing, whenever we could.

And that's why it's so nice to be here among you in this massive house that I want. I want this house. Give it. [laughs]

No, I'm kidding. But really, give me the house.

Hey there, hot stuff. Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Get your hands off me. You think you're better than I am, don't you?

Just 'cause you're wearing that.

Look at that terrible placement and angle.

Is this your first time wearing a sash?

Yeah. It is. But I think if we all just take a break--

Give it to me!

-[all gasp] -[crashing]

I got her off the stage.

Jianyu, come on in.

Before we start, I know you were a Buddhist monk who kept a vow of silence.

Would you prefer to remain silent here, as well?

Every resident here in the Good Place has a soulmate.

Now, some of the pairings are platonic, some are romantic.

But what you have with your soulmate is unique.

You have a spiritual connection that transcends the physical realm.

This person's gonna be your best bud.

Jianyu, let me introduce you to your soulmate, Luang.

He is also a Buddhist monk from the Lumbini zone of Nepal

You and Luang share an identical soul.

Like binary stars, orbiting one another in a perfect reflective harmony.

You won't ever have a single moment of loneliness because you'll always be right next to each other.

For eternity.

I'll let you two get acquainted.

I'm sure you have a lot to not talk about. [chuckles]

Because... Well, you get it, you get it.

[sighs]

Oh! Sorry. I didn't see you.

Chidi? Are you Chidi?

Eleanor? What are you up to?

Oh! Hey there, Michael.

Just getting to know everyone in the neighborhood.

Who was that mysterious gentleman?

Hello, you beautiful spirits.

Can I offer you two something to drink?

-Janet. -Hi, there.

This is Janet. Now, she can get you literally anything you want.

All you have to do is ask.

Of course, you two won't ever want anything because you're perfectly content.

Oh, I know. How about something special? Janet, two yak's milks, please.

Enjoy.

[glass chimes]

Speech time!

-If we all take a break-- -Give it to me!

-[all gasp] -[crashing]

I got her off the stage.

Tahani? Are you all right?

Yes. Fine. Never better.

Top of my game, actually.

You'll have to excuse me. I've got to go.

Look. Got some shrimp... in one of my many, many cargo pants pockets.

-[cries] -What the fork is happening?

Okay, here we go.

How's it going, boss man?

Enough chit-chat. Is everything in place for version two?

Yep. I've thought of everything. I won't let you down.

I'm hoping you could say a few words at tonight's welcome party to introduce yourself?

How can I say no? [chuckles]

So cozy. I feel like the walls are hugging me.

How about something special? Janet, two yak's milks, please.

Why isn't anyone talking?

[Chidi] Janet, could you show me to the bar, please?

Michael, may I please speak with you privately?

Sure. Sure.

It just feels like I used to be "real" Eleanor, and now I'm Denise.

Denise is a good part, with a great backstory.

You run the best pizza place in the neighborhood.

You have a cat, and that's cool.

I took this job because it seemed fun and different, and in the original version, I got to break Chidi's heart

20 times and it was great. I mean, he was miserable.

And now Angélique gets to torture him?

Angélique is a hack. I can act circles around her.

But I have nothing to do.

I am a Ferrari, okay?

And you don’t keep a Ferrari in the garage.

I hear your concern. I do. And I promise you, there is a great arc coming for Denise, the pizza lady, in about 80 years or so.

Chidi is going to accidentally kill your cat.

It's gonna give you a great chance to shine.

Can I just have something that makes me stand out?

A mysterious past or a limp? I want a limp.

This is supposed to be the Good Place. Why would you--

Okay. No, I hear you. I tell you what. Go nuts, right? Limp your heart out.

Hey. Chidi, right?

Hi. Are you limping?

-How's it going? -We're having some trouble with Eleanor.

She's not engaging in conversation. She's not drinking.

Eleanor's not drinking?

She brought a flask in the car during her driver's test.

Okay, we need to keep things moving here.

I'm about to make her talk for an hour.

She'll definitely end up insulting somebody.

[glass chimes]

Speech time!

We're all good people, right?

We all did the right thing, whenever we could.

-If we all take a break-- -Give it to me!

-[all gasp] -[crashing]

Tahani? Are you all right?

[Tahani] Yes. Fine. Never better.

-You'll have to excuse me. -Come here.

[Tahani] I've got to go.

-What the fork, man? -I know that book.

Is that a nerd pickup line? Because it's only kind of working.

No. The note you showed me before?

{\an8}Right, this is from a book called What We Owe to Each Other.

{\an8}I used to teach it. I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy.

-All right, brag much? -I'm trying to help you.

Sorry. Okay.

I've never seen you before in my life, but I think, somehow, we know each other.

That definitely sounded like a pickup line, and I'm not not interested, but we need to figure this out first.

It's not that bad, right? I mean, we got a drunken speech. That's good.

No. It isn't.

Tahani gave the drunken speech instead of Eleanor.

We can't build a chaos sequence out of Tahani's speech because she thinks she belongs here, ya ding-dong.

Okay. We can still salvage this. Where's Eleanor?

She's gone. I can't find her anywhere.

Maybe she left with Chidi? He's gone, too.

-What? -Or maybe she left with Jason.

You lost Jason? How's that even possible?

Your only job is to stand next to that idiot.

I got distracted by the fire. I love fire.

You know, my main job is to burn people with fire.

What's up, guys?

What are you doing here? Why aren't you with Eleanor?

I told her I was going to the gym again.

Why would you say that in the middle of a party?

-You told me to. -No. I didn't.

You said, if Eleanor tries to confess she doesn't belong here, find a reason to avoid her. Like saying, "I'm going to the gym."

That's what I've been saying.

That was a suggestion of the type of thing you could say. Don't...

How many times have you specifically told her you were going to the gym?

Five... No, nine.

You dimwit!

Hey, man. I was perfectly happy in my old job in the twisting department.

People came in, and I'd twist them until they snapped in half, and I'd move on to the next one. But this job is weird!

-[all agreeing] -It's all talk, no twisting.

If you don't like the way I do it, get somebody else.

I'm going to the gym!

Fine. Yeah, you do that. You go to the gym.

Okay. We can still pull this off.

We just need to find the four humans. Okay?

[claps] Okay.

[chuckles] Right now.

Everyone in this room, find those four humans!

Are you gonna talk or walk around like a nerd trying to get a personal best on his Fitbit?

I'm sorry. I'm trying to process a tremendous amount of insane information.

I mean, you're not supposed to be here.

But you and I clearly met here somehow before now.

Does that mean I'm not supposed to be here?

I don't know, dude. Were you a good person on Earth?

I think so. I spent my life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the...

[gasps] Oh, no!

I used almond milk in my coffee, even though I knew about the negative environmental impact.

What?

-Eleanor, what do we do? -I don't know, dude!

But we better figure it out soon or we're doomed.

-Uh... Janet? -Hi, there, Jianyu.

Hi, Janet.

-Can I tell you something? -Sure.

I'm not Jianyu. And I'm not a silent monk.

My real name is Jason.

I don't know what's going on. I got here and Michael said I'm a monk, and he told me I was gonna have a new best friend, and that we were going to live in a yogurt.

-A yurt. -Oh, yeah. Yurt, for short.

I was psyched to meet my new best friend.

But he turned out to be this weird silent guy that won't leave me alone.

I don't want to go back to my yogurt. Can I go to your house?

I don't have a house, Jason. I live in a boundless void.

Can I go there?

No. It's a boundless void.

-Okay. -So, what you're saying is, there are certain aspects of your existence here in the Good Place that are confusing for you?

And you're searching for someplace to go where you feel less lonely.

I know somewhere you could go.

Why did you do that?

Because you were nice to me. You're my friend.

Okay.

[Jianyu] Okay.

If we got all the way to Scanlon, we must have been studying very intensely for a long time.

Or you grabbed a random book of mine, and tore a page out.

I'll be honest. That sounds more like me.

-[rapid knocking] -Ah!

Eleanor and Chidi. What a pleasant surprise.

I'm so happy you two have met.

I'm just going door-to-door, apologizing for the commotion earlier tonight.

The first night in the afterlife can be a little overwhelming.

Don't worry about us, Michael. We are doing fine.

Oh, good. Glad to hear that.

Well, it's getting late.

Chidi, allow me to escort you back to your house.

Hello, all. Sorry for the late hour.

Eleanor, I wanted to stop by and give you back your sash.

-That's okay. You can just keep it. -No! I don't deserve it.

I made a complete fool of myself tonight. I interrupted your big speech, badly stained my cargo pants which, I have to admit, are quite comfortable.

Oh, God, what's happened to me? I'm praising off-the-rack separates.

Tahani, please, it's late. What we should do--

No. Look, ever since I got here, it feels like something's been off.

Tahani. There you are. I've been worried sick about you.

[Eleanor] That's her soulmate?

Is there a second one of him that stands on his shoulders?

Chidi, there you are. I've been worried sick about you.

Okay. All right, everybody, now we are really imposing on Eleanor here.

-Chidi, let's everybody take off-- -Hey, Eleanor...

This person would like to speak with you. Privately. About something.

Oh, really?

Yep. Bye.

[Eleanor] This is the wise monk who gave me the magic amulet.

I gotta figure out what it means. Could be the key to this mystery.

Luang. Perfect.

Why don't you take Jianyu back to your yurt? Right away.

Homie, no.

I'm not spending another second with this loser.

You said he was going to be my best friend, but he is not.

My best friend from Jacksonville was named Pillboi and he was dope!

We would talk together, get high together, throw old batteries at drones together, but this guy can't hold a camel to Pillboi.

Okay, I no longer think he's a wise monk, and I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage.

-Babe, there you are. I've been worried-- -[Eleanor] Let me stop you.

Can I guess? You've been worried sick about me.

I'm headed to the gym.

-Sure. Why not? -I'm quite confused.

Let me explain, gorgeous.

I don't know what this place is, but it is certainly not the Good Place.

Michael is forking with us.

-Like a prank show? -Yeah! Like a prank show!

Except, according to this note, it's a prank show we've all been on before.

What note?

Apparently, I wrote myself a note, and stuck it in that Jackie lady's mouth.

Janet. Her name is Janet.

-Oh! Right. Janet. -Hi, there.

-Hi, Janet. -Hi, Jason.

[laughs]

Are you kidding me?

Eleanor Shellstrop, you sneaky little so-and-so.

That was some very quick thinking. I'm extremely impressed.

And, to be honest, I'm relieved.

At least there's an explanation for why this all went south so fast.

But you won't be so lucky next time.

-Next time? -Yeah.

He's going to do it again.

That's not going to work this time, dummy.

Okay. Excuse me. I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable.

I demand to speak to your superior.

I am so sorry, madam. Please forgive me. [snaps fingers]

Well, as humans like to say, "Third time's the charm." Right?

[all groaning]

I take full responsibility for the false start.

But I assure you all, there is no note this time.

I'll prove it to you.

-Janet! -Hi, there.

Hi, Janet. Open your mouth, please.

Thank you.

See, no notes, no clues or loopholes.

Nothing in there.

Thank you, Janet.

So, let's all pretend the last attempt never even happened. Questions.

Maybe it's none of our business, but did you tell Shawn what happened?

Yes, I did. And he completely understood.

As a matter of fact, he found the whole thing kind of funny.

But he was very supportive.

He says he's very excited for us to get going again.

So, anyone else?

Anybody? No?

{\an8}Let's get out there and make some miseries.

{\an8}Testing, one, two, three.

{\an8}[line ringing]

{\an8}Hey there, boss man.

{\an8}You were supposed to call me this morning, give me an update.

{\an8}Right. Sorry. Yeah.

{\an8}It's just, the, um... The chaos sequence was going so well.

{\an8}Better than the first time, in my opinion.

{\an8}Eleanor got completely drunk last night.

{\an8}She talked for like an hour, even flashed somebody.

{\an8}So, we had a lot to work with.

So attempt number two is on track so far?

Smooth as silk. Everything's great.

-[distant screaming] -Oh...

Sounds like everything's going well back there, too.

We're trying out the new butthole spiders.

-Ah! -They're enormous.

You know, good old-fashioned torture.

The way it's supposed to be.

Good luck with attempt number two.

And, remember, there will be no attempt number three.

Eleanor, come on in.