Home > The Good Place

Team Cockroach

{\an8}[Michael] We're on the same page.

{\an8}I wanna team up with you.

{\an8}What? Why? You do? What?

{\an8}I'm in a bit of a bind. I could use backup.

{\an8}So, what do you say? New best friends?

{\an8}Stop.

You wanna team up?

You've been torturing us and lying about it.

Oh, let's not get caught up on "who lied to whom" or "which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to cause eternal misery for the others." That's ancient history.

It was happening until 20 seconds ago.

The point is that... circumstances have changed, and now all of us teaming up is our best option.

I love being on teams.

Oh, we need a team name. Um...

-The Bobcats. -Great.

Slow down, ding-dong.

He wouldn't offer us a deal for no reason. He needs us.

Why?

Because, as you said, you keep beating me.

Look, I built this neighborhood as a way to torture the four of you, psychologically, for thousands of years.

And you keep figuring it out and taking all the fun out of it.

"Fun"?

Today, there was a new development, really chapped my nips.

One of my employees is blackmailing me. Vicky.

She runs the clam chowder place in the main square,

A Little Bit Chowder Now.

Oh, the place with the chowder fountain?

No, that's Pump Up the Clam.

A Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder. [mimics retching]

How did we ever think this was the Good Place?

Vicky thinks she can run this neighborhood better than I can.

And she wants to start her version in 30 minutes.

I'm supposed to reboot you, erase your memory, and turn control over to her.

How can we team up if you wipe our memories again?

Easy. I'm not going to.

You're going to act like you've been rebooted and pretend Vicky and the others are torturing you.

But then, on your own time, in private, you can study ethics, ogle mailmen, do whatever you want.

-Can I play iPad? -Sure you can, buddy.

-Yes! -Guys, there's no debate here.

My boss gave me two chances to make this work.

Suffice to say, I tried more than two times.

If he finds out, we're all in hot water.

Literally, they will boil us.

We will be the main ingredient in a chowder of pain.

Human meeting. Bedroom. Now.

Oh, yeah, um... That whole "no stair" thing, that was, uh, part of the torture.

Let me...

Son of a bench.

[theme music playing]

{\an8}Anyone have any ideas?

{\an8}Believe it or not, I was in a similar situation a few years ago,

{\an8}except in that instance, "Michael" was Javier Bardem,

{\an8}and The Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room.

{\an8}Okay, stop talking. Do not talk again for 100 hours.

{\an8}-What do we do? -We team up with Michael.

{\an8}Okay. Hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why.

{\an8}He has a bow tie.

{\an8}-Oh, no. -I always trust dudes in bow ties.

{\an8}Once, a guy in a bow tie came up to me at the Jacksonville bus station gun range,

{\an8}and said he'd give me $600 if I put these weird turtles in my duffel bag,

{\an8}and brought them to Daytona Beach.

{\an8}So, I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona and the guy paid me the $600.

{\an8}My point is you always trust dudes in bow ties.

{\an8}[Jason grunts and exclaims]

{\an8}Look, Michael's a liar. I know liars.

{\an8}It was my job to trick people into buying fake medicine

{\an8}and I was the top salesperson seven years in a row.

{\an8}I thought you only worked there five years.

{\an8}Proves my point. This is a trick. There's no way we trust him.

{\an8}I agree. He could be lying about this whole thing.

{\an8}For all we know, you three are in The Bad Place and I'm up in the Good Place where I belong, being tested.

-How would that even-- -I don't know, but it's possible!

Before we do anything, we need more information.

We should ask him every question we can think of.

-Yes. -[Tahani] Yes.

We'll grill him like the flank of an Iberian piglet.

I'm sorry, has it been 100 hours?

Okay, man. We got questions. First off, how can we possibly trust you?

You can't, but you have to.

Logically, you shouldn't, but you have no choice.

I mean, I wouldn't if I were you. It's a crazy thing to do. But you gotta.

What happens if we don't?

Most likely, I reboot you once more, you figure it out again,

Vicky tells my boss, he shuts everything down,

I get punished, you end up spending the rest of eternity in the real Bad Place, up to your necks in a volcano full of scorpions.

I'll tell you what I wanna know now before going further.

Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?

[chuckles]

[Michael] Oh.

You're serious. Uh, no.

-Will they ever win the Super Bowl? -Jason, I can't predict the future.

But no. [chuckles] They won't.

-I have 12 more Jaguars questions-- -No, you don't.

-Hey, Janet. -Hi, there.

Do you have something shiny Jason can play with?

[gasps]

How many different versions of this place have we been through?

[Jason exclaiming]

Uh, let's see.

Eight hundred and two. The longest was 11 months.

Uh, this current one has only been going for one week.

You guys barely know each other. That's gonna make this tough.

What's that super-tiny line?

[Michael] That's the shortest one. Eight seconds.

It was a butt-reboot. I sat on the activator by mistake.

Michael, was I also rebooted 802 times?

Yes. [sighs] Why?

Every time a Janet is rebooted, she increases her social awareness and abilities.

I might be the most advanced Janet in the universe.

Oh.

So, Janet isn't with you?

No. There has to be a Janet in every neighborhood, good and bad.

This one is an actual Good Place Janet that I stole to help sell the ruse.

I guess it didn't work, though, because you keep failing.

-Yes. Thank you. -You're welcome.

If you're not human, why do you look like us?

Everyone in the Bad Place Bureau of Human Affairs gets randomly assigned a human body so we can get the feel of how best to torture you.

I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to the hanging bits.

Gross.

Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor.

I was talking about my testicles.

Mindy St. Claire's is fake, I bet.

No, the Medium Place is real.

So annoying how you managed to slip away from me all those times.

Why even tell us about any real thing? Why not just lie about all of it?

Lies are more convincing when they're close to the truth.

That's true. I crashed a lot of open-bar weddings as Eileen Shelbourne.

Even dated a groomsman for a few months, so I had to keep the name, and he got "Eileen" tattooed on his neck.

Seriously?

-How is she and I in the same place? -Oh, get over yourself.

Trust me, don't trust me, it doesn't matter.

We're running out of time and I'm your only option.

"We're running out of time and I'm your only option?"

A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close.

But I never settled for them.

Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, was obsessed with me, and never slept because he was addicted to Adderall.

There is always another option.

You guys do whatever you want. I'm out.

No! My plan only works if all four of you are on board.

Then you better get cracking on a new plan, pally, because I haven't heard one good reason why I should help you.

How about this?

You help me trick Vicky and all those other goons...

I can get you to the real Good Place.

There's a way to get to the real Good Place?

It's complicated.

It may take a while to arrange, especially since I'll have to do it in secret, but yes, there is a potential method of transportation.

Well, is it nice? Is there a business class? Can I pre-board?

Let's not worry about that now.

-I can get us there. -"Us"?

You, Mr. Diabolical Torture Guy, are gonna try to join us in the Good Place?

Yeah. If I stay in the Bad Place, I'm doomed.

But if I rescue four... pitiful, foul-smelling humans from eternal damnation, hit 'em with the big puppy-dog eyes,

"Please, sir, take pity on me, I've changed," and all that crap... maybe I can earn a spot too.

We didn't deserve the Good Place based on our time on Earth.

-Will they let us stay? -Honestly, I have no idea.

But if you help me fool Vicky, at least your brains don't get erased every two weeks.

Okay, all humans who have not already been suckered by Michael, another team meeting.

This is definitely a trap.

We figured out his game every time, and now he's trying a new way to mess with us.

Teaming up with a demon is insane.

Maybe. But I think we have to do it.

Are you forking kidding me right now?

You take half an hour to pick out a turtleneck,

-and this you're sure about? -Look...

I spent my whole life trying to learn about right and wrong, and, apparently, I failed.

I want us to get better and stay that way.

-You understand, right, Tahani? -I understand nothing.

Hey, same here.

Michael, there's been a mistake.

I belong in the Good Place, the real one, with good people.

-Who do I speak to about correcting this? -Me and you're wrong.

Very well. I want to speak to your manager.

Listen, sweetheart.

You've only been in this timeline for about a week.

So, I'll fast-forward things a bit.

There's a very good reason why you ended up here.

You never cared about the people you helped.

You did it only for fame or status or to spite your family.

That is utter tosh!

I had my flaws like anyone else, but I raised billions for charity.

I was a good person, and I defy you to prove otherwise.

[inhales sharply] In all the reboots, I never showed you how you died.

I was saving it in case I ever needed to really make you miserable.

But it's hilarious.

Of course, I mean, sad.

It might help you come to grips with who you were.

Do you want to remember it?

[sighs]

Tahani Al-Jamil.

Social activist, philanthropist, neck model, and now, cover girl for International Sophisticate Magazine.

-Tahani, welcome. -Oh, it's such an honor.

I have long dreamed of being one of the women who grace your cover.

Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah.

A woman who, as you know, was offered the cover, but turned it down.

[chuckles softly] I actually didn't know that.

Please carry on.

Next week, Kamilah will travel to Cleveland, Ohio, to become the youngest person ever inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

Remarkable. [sighs]

Is there a question?

Don't you find that remarkable?

Kamilah is very impressive.

As you know, she released her debut album only six months ago.

Yet the critics thought it so brilliant the Hall of Fame decided to waive its 25-year waiting period.

Sadly, I will not be attending the ceremony

'cause I will be in Haiti on a relief mission.

-Perhaps we should talk more about that. -Perhaps we should.

First, another question about Kamilah.

Don't you think she and I'd be friends? We have a lot in common.

We're both Capricorn, and we're both only children.

I'm sorry. I forgot about you. [chuckles]

-[upbeat music playing] -[indistinct chatter and laughter]

Kamilah! Congratulations. You have all the attention, once again.

Who are you?

Really?

Good Lord. Tahani! You're a cocktail waitress now. [chuckles]

This is the right move for you.

No. It's just that my sister didn't even deign to invite me to her little soiree, so I had to weasel my way in here like some common weasel.

I was supposed to be in Haiti being photographed helping people, but, instead, I delayed my trip by a day to come here and tell you off.

No, you came to do what you always do, make a scene and embarrass yourself.

I'm an embarrassment to you? Is that what you think of me?

Honestly?

I don't think about you.

[laughter]

No! Ow.

-[grunts] -[people laughing]

[grunts] I will bring you down!

Come on. Come on! Come down to the ground, where you belong...

[screams]

-Oh, no. -Mmm.

I died in Cleveland?

I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway from that story.

Is that really all I cared about?

Just outshining my sister and gaining praise and acclaim?

'Cause, I mean, I did gain praise and acclaim.

[chuckles softly] I dare say, on occasion, more praise and acclaim than my sister, Kamilah, so...

Oh.

Oh, I see.

[whimpering] Oh, God.

Oh, come on, now. It's not all bad.

Imagine you're me, and you're designing a torture chamber for people who think they belong in the Good Place.

I mean, you were perfect.

Well, I've always wanted to be perfect at something.

I never thought it would be the perfect stooge.

I want to do it. I want to become the person I pretended to be.

I agree with Chidi. We should team up with Michael, and all try to build a better Tahani.

Great. Yet again, it's everyone against Eleanor because everyone except Eleanor is an idiot.

Why am I the only person who clearly sees what's going on here?

It's not that we don't understand the risks.

We want to become better people and this is our best chance.

Oh, I get it.

'Cause you're so much better than me.

-That's what this is about. -Hang on, don't lash out at us

-just because of your innate distrust... -"Lash out"?

-No, it's not about who's better... -[all arguing]

I have no idea what's going on but everyone is talking and I should too.

-[laughing] -[yells] What is so funny?

I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing.

How do I explain this?

I'm basically an exterminator and you're cockroaches.

My job was to squish you and poison you, and yet, somehow, my very survival now depends on you, the cockroaches, agreeing to help me.

That's funny.

-We're cockroaches to you? -[Michael] Yeah.

Or dung beetles.

I don't know, something small and gross that creeps on the ground in its own filth.

Just being honest.

-Oh! [laughing] -Okay. Okay. Okay.

-Oh! -All right. Forget about him. Focus on us.

Kant wrote, "It is our duty to improve ourselves."

So, whatever Michael's reasons for doing this, he's giving us the best chance to improve ourselves.

[Eleanor sighs]

I admit you're making a lot of sense. I need to just untangle all of this.

Give me a minute to think about it alone.

Okay.

[door chiming]

-[whispers] Janet? -Hi, there.

Call me a train. Fill it to the brim with cocaine.

I'm going back to Mindy St. Claire's house.

Gonna bail, huh?

Hmm? No.

[stutters] Why would you say that?

Well, you got a bag full of clothes, you stuffed pillows and a mop in your bed to make it look like you're asleep, and you're sneaking out the back gate.

Okay. I'm going to Mindy's.

I don't want to live forever in a boring beige house, with a weird, horny cokehead, but look at what you're asking me to do.

Make a deal with an actual devil so I can then do homework in secret.

By the way, you're not my friends, man. We've known each other for a week.

You know it's more than that.

We've been through some version of this 800 different times.

Who cares that it's only been a week?

How long do you have to know someone before you do the right thing?

-Nine weeks! Minimum. -[chuckles]

Okay.

Look, bro, I don't owe you anything. I gotta do what's right for me.

Come with me if you want. I got another mop we can put in the bed.

Good luck.

[sighs] I got a couple more questions.

Sure, take your time. We're not in a hurry or anything.

How many times, in all the reboots, did I ask Chidi for help, he refused to help me,

-and I had to get better on my own? -Never. He always helped you.

[scoffs]

-Really? -Yep.

No matter how I set it up, you found him, confessed you didn't belong, asked him for help, he said yes.

Now, his agreeing to help was part of my plan, what wasn't part of my plan was it actually working.

Drove me nuts.

Pesky little nerd stuck with you, and always helped you overcome your biggest problem.

Assuming that's my selfishness?

No. No, no, no.

It's that you never found a haircut that framed your face properly.

-Yes, your selfishness. -I'm not that selfish.

-Your cocaine and escape train are ready. -Not now.

Okay.

I think Michael is a liar.

There's a 99% chance he's forking with us.

But he's asking us for help, so we should help him.

Because that's what Chidi would do.

That's what Chidi would do for me, or for any of us.

-It's what I am doing. -I know.

You're talking about me like I'm not here or something and that just makes me feel weird.

[sighs]

All right. We're all in. We'll help you.

You finally listened to reason.

On one condition.

You want to be on our team, you got to be on our team.

Which means the professor over here is gonna give us all lessons on how to be better people, including you.

Oh. [chuckles] No. No, I won't be taking any classes.

I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream of--

Yeah, and we're an Arizona dirtbag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster and literally the dumbest person I have ever met.

And who am I? Describe me now.

We are all going to take classes. We are all going to improve.

And the second you betray us,

I walk into Vicky's stinky chowder restaurant, and tell her everything.

You agree to those terms and you can join us on Team Cockroach.

So, what's it gonna be?

You're running out of time. And we're your only option.

[chuckles softly]

-It's all frozen yogurt places now, huh? -Yeah. Yogurt was what we started with.

A lot of us liked the first version best, so we went back to

322 perfectly matched human souls, blended together in a blissful, harmonic balance.

-[blows raspberries] -Well done.

I've only given this opening day tour to you 800 times.

Hey, how's this for my "Oh, my God, I'm in Heaven" face?

Not bad.

Right? I'm a pretty good liar.

[applause]

Now, I want to introduce someone you'll get to know very well.

She was the top point-getter, so she'll help me around the neighborhood, like your mayor.

Vicky Sengupta!

[applause]

Vicky, would you like to say a few words?

Actually, Michael, I'd like to sing a few words.

Janet, hit it.

[piano playing]

♪ At first I was afraid I was petrified ♪

♪ Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side... ♪

We should have a few hours to ourselves.

Vicky's working on her performance for the welcome party.

It looks like pretending to enjoy her singing will be half our job here.

She told me how she was gonna torture you at the party, which is basically the same way I did.

Eleanor gets drunk, hogs all the shrimp, insults people, et cetera.

Whatever bad stuff you do becomes the basis for the chaos tomorrow morning.

Okay, okay. So, my job is to get drunk and insult people.

I can hack that.

Now, Chidi, I'll need you to act nervous and embarrassed by Eleanor.

Way ahead of you.

Tahani, just be your fabulous self, and, Jason, your good, old, silent Jianyu the monk.

So, I told Vicky I would handle the surveillance on the four of you.

That'll let us meet each day for Chidi's ethics lessons, which will apparently include me.

Even though that's transparently insane.

Cool. And, um, Janet, you're not gonna rat us out, right?

{\an8}Jason, I've thought about this a lot over the last one and a third milliseconds.

{\an8}I'm not allowed to lie, but my purpose is to make humans happy.

{\an8}And since you're the only actual humans here,

{\an8}I'm on board for whatever fun little schemes you guys come up with.

{\an8}Okay. Bring it in. Team huddle.

{\an8}The Bad Place is about to be outsmarted

{\an8}by a cowardly traitor, four dumdums and a robot.

{\an8}-Not a robot. -We can do this.

{\an8}Team Cockroach, on three. One, two, three.

-[all] Team Cockroach! -Bobcats!

-[Eleanor] No. -I still think that's better.