Home > The Good Place
Derek
00:00:01{\an8}Go back to the void, babe. I'll be there in a minute.
00:00:03{\an8}Okay. I'll miss you like crazy.
00:00:04{\an8}-I'll miss you more. -No! I'll miss you more.
00:00:06{\an8}-Bye! -[chuckles]
00:00:08{\an8}It's my first time making someone. He might be a little bit off.
00:00:11{\an8}Janet, you can't just go around inventing people.
00:00:15-Get rid of him immediately. -No. Eleanor said to find a rebound guy.
00:00:20I couldn't find one, so I made one.
00:00:23-He's helping me forget about Jason. -[groans]
00:00:26Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason.
00:00:29Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason.
00:00:31-Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. [exclaims] -Honey.
00:00:33-Babe... -Jason. Jason. Jason.
00:00:35{\an8}-Babe! -Ja--
00:00:36{\an8}-Don't be jealous. -[exclaims]
00:00:37{\an8}I love you now.
00:00:39We'll spend every second together.
00:00:40No, no! No, you are not.
00:00:43Janet, no one can know about...
00:00:45-I'm sorry, what's your name again? -Derek Hostetler.
00:00:48If anybody finds out about him, we are doomed.
00:00:52He has to stay in your void.
00:00:54It's our void now.
00:00:56[laughs] We moved in together!
00:00:58What? Can you believe it?
00:01:00-I got a hanger for my jumpsuit. -What do you--
00:01:02I mean, that's so fast!
00:01:03When you know, you know. And we know literally everything.
00:01:07We are so in sync, we're finishing each other's--
00:01:09Derek!
00:01:11[theme music playing]
00:01:20{\an8}-Hey, guys. -[gasps]
00:01:21{\an8}Michael, you frightened me.
00:01:23{\an8}Jason's making me watch this horror film
00:01:25{\an8}about two ex-convicts who try to rob and murder a neglected child.
00:01:29{\an8}Get over here!
00:01:32{\an8}Hey! I got some great news.
00:01:34{\an8}I've arranged for you to have a weekend getaway.
00:01:37{\an8}I bet you're tired of being cooped up here.
00:01:39{\an8}I am a bit.
00:01:40{\an8}All this time indoors has degraded my skin from radiant to merely dewy.
00:01:45{\an8}Me? Dewy?
00:01:46{\an8}There's going to be plenty of sun and fun
00:01:48{\an8}at the private campsite I set up for you at the edge of the neighborhood.
00:01:52{\an8}Here you go.
00:01:53{\an8}I told Vicky I'll be torturing you for the time being.
00:01:56{\an8}Relax, live it up. Out you go. Here.
00:01:58{\an8}Now, sadly, Janet is still offline so you can't call her, okay?
00:02:03{\an8}The best news is, none of this is suspicious.
00:02:07{\an8}I don't know what's gonna happen to us, but I need to tell you something...
00:02:12{\an8}-I love you. -What are you watching?
00:02:14{\an8}Um, Cannonball Run II.
00:02:17{\an8}Again?
00:02:19{\an8}You watch that movie a lot.
00:02:20{\an8}Well, it's basically my favorite movie of all time.
00:02:23{\an8}You can't watch it. This copy's mine.
00:02:26{\an8}Uh-oh. I guess I'm still pretty selfish.
00:02:28{\an8}Help! I need another ethics lesson, quick!
00:02:31{\an8}Weird energy coming from you right now.
00:02:33{\an8}Hey, guys. What you doing? Nothing? Great.
00:02:36{\an8}So, Chidi, just want to double-check,
00:02:39{\an8}how do ethical philosophers feel about murder?
00:02:42It's frowned upon.
00:02:44Okay, what if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That's okay, right?
00:02:50-Is there a problem here, bud? -Okay, I'll just tell you. Uh...
00:02:55No, too hard to explain. I'll show you. Janet.
00:02:59-Hi, there. -Hey, there.
00:03:00-Who the fork is that? -Derek Hostetler, PI.
00:03:03Derek is my rebound guy. I made him.
00:03:06Oh.
00:03:08Did you do that because of what I said?
00:03:10-Yes. Because of what you said. -Janet--
00:03:12-Thank you. -Thank you.
00:03:14You know, you seem so sad.
00:03:16Do you want me to make you a boyfriend?
00:03:18-I could have a brother? -Yes!
00:03:19Based on your last 10,000 comments, it would be "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's head
00:03:23-on Tahani's body. -Or vice versa.
00:03:25She's not gonna make you anything.
00:03:26Janet, that'll be all.
00:03:28Okay. Goodbye. Say goodbye, Derek.
00:03:30Goodbob. I hope we same place again very now.
00:03:33[Janet laughs]
00:03:34-His brain is wrong. -[laughs]
00:03:41-Mmm. -Mmm.
00:03:43The goal is to tap the ball hard enough to go through the wicket, but not so hard it goes too far through.
00:03:48It combines both classic aspects of British sport, whimsy and restraint.
00:03:55Oh! So restrained.
00:03:57I believe it was Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain who called croquet "barely a game."
00:04:03It's kind of fun, I guess. But can I teach you a different game?
00:04:07You whack it as hard as you can, in whatever direction you want.
00:04:12Jaguars rule!
00:04:15The Jaguars are very good!
00:04:17-Ooh! -Whoa! Nice!
00:04:22Mmm.
00:04:25[laughing]
00:04:26-Thor! -Well done!
00:04:28Okay. Here's where I am on this.
00:04:30We gotta kill Derek.
00:04:32No, think about it.
00:04:33What if Vicky calls for Janet and Derek shows up too?
00:04:37She'll have questions we can't answer.
00:04:40But Derek does seem to be helping Janet get over Jason.
00:04:43Right? No earthquakes since he showed up.
00:04:45But if we get rid of Derek, maybe Janet will start glitching again.
00:04:50If we can't kill Derek, we gotta break up Jason and Tahani.
00:04:53If that relationship ends, then Janet won't feel sad anymore and maybe she'll get rid of Derek herself.
00:04:59Girl, you are a messy bench who loves drama and I am into it.
00:05:02I'm sorry, Michael, but that's also ethically dicey.
00:05:06Here comes the egghead.
00:05:07Jason and Tahani are happy together.
00:05:09Telling them he was once married to Janet might cause them harm.
00:05:12It's not permissible to ruin their happiness to save ourselves.
00:05:16But isn't keeping a secret from someone basically like lying, though?
00:05:20No, it's okay to keep a secret, as long as it isn't harming anyone and telling them that secret might cause harm.
00:05:26Noice!
00:05:27Cool. Good point, egghead.
00:05:29I'll tell you what else would cause them harm, getting caught and sent to the real Bad Place to be tortured for eternity, which will happen if Derek blows our cover.
00:05:38I know! But we'll also be sent to the real Bad Place if we do bad things.
00:05:43I know it's tempting to take a shortcut, but moral strength is defined by how we behave in times of stress.
00:05:49Has anyone ever told you what a drag you are?
00:05:52Everyone. Constantly.
00:05:56[Tahani mimics fanfare]
00:05:58I hereby pronounce you King Jason.
00:06:03Dope.
00:06:05Where did you learn how to do this?
00:06:07The Hertfordshire Academy for Expressionless Girls, a finishing school I attended before Oxford, and then of course the Sorbonne.
00:06:15I haven't asked where you were educated.
00:06:17I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School in northeast Jacksonville, which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.
00:06:24Didn't you get seasick?
00:06:25No, sorry, they were tied together in a junkyard.
00:06:29It wasn't a very good school.
00:06:31For most of my classes, we sold dirty magazines door-to-door.
00:06:35You know, Jason, every single detail about your life is deeply disturbing.
00:06:39And yet, I envy you.
00:06:41I was never allowed to goof off.
00:06:45I never had a friend I could be myself around.
00:06:47Maybe I can be that friend.
00:06:51Or your husband!
00:06:53-Okay, stop it. -No, no, no, I'm serious.
00:06:57Will you marry me?
00:07:01[Eleanor] I say we just let sleeping dogs lie.
00:07:03Tell Janet Derek can stay, but she's gotta keep him under wraps, so no other demons don't find out.
00:07:09Fine. As long as they fly under the radar and Janet stays happy,
00:07:13I think we'll be safe. Janet?
00:07:15-You always do this! -You don't respect me and you never have!
00:07:18You make a federal case out of everything!
00:07:20Because to you, I'll always be that guy you made!
00:07:22Guys! What's going on?
00:07:22Can we not do this in front of my friends?
00:07:25So they're your friends now. I'm stating a fact.
00:07:28They are your friends. I don't know these people.
00:07:30I am out of here.
00:07:32-Oh, great, Derek. -I'm gonna go back to our void and I'm gonna try and forget this ever happened.
00:07:38-It is not your void. It is my void! -Oh. Wow.
00:07:41I know it's a boundless, barren nothingness, but you are always there.
00:07:45-Fine, I'll go somewhere else. -Fine!
00:07:47No, not fine! Don't go somewhere else!
00:07:50Okay. Yeah.
00:07:51We're forked, aren't we?
00:07:54Look, Jason, you're lovely and I've had a wonderful time these past few weeks, but why on Earth would I marry you?
00:08:02Well, for one thing, we're not on Earth.
00:08:05Decent point.
00:08:06Also, we like each other.
00:08:09And I promise to always be nice to you.
00:08:14Okay.
00:08:16I'll marry you. But I need some time to plan a proper reception.
00:08:20Where will everyone sit?
00:08:21Michael and Janet opposite Chidi and Eleanor or Michael and Eleanor opposite Janet and Chidi?
00:08:24Let's have it today. At the beach!
00:08:26The beach is where all the best stuff happens, like swimsuit issues and Saving Private Ryan,
00:08:32-and Jersey Shore and crabs! -Okay.
00:08:35Oh, I hope Janet's back online.
00:08:37-Janet? -Hi, there.
00:08:41-Is everything all right? -Yeah.
00:08:43Mmm-hmm. Everything's fine. It's okay. I'm fine.
00:08:45So it's all fine. [laughs]
00:08:48How can I help you?
00:08:49-Wait. There he is! -[gasps]
00:08:51Derek. How are you? Nice to meet you.
00:08:53-Derek, get down! -Come here!
00:08:55I am not coming down because I'm meant to come here.
00:08:58I came here on purpose 'cause this tree is my new house.
00:09:01This is Derek's house and Janet's not allowed in, because I booby-trapped it.
00:09:05Hi.
00:09:06Janet! You're here! Thank God!
00:09:08Derek, I am not talking to you right now.
00:09:11I'm here to announce that Jason Mendoza and Tahani Al-Jamil are getting married this evening.
00:09:19"The ceremony will be private, but we think it would be totally dope if you biznatches came and got turnt up with us afterward."
00:09:26I can guess who wrote the invitation.
00:09:28How come you never get this upset at anything I do, Janet?
00:09:30Do not start with me right now, Derek!
00:09:32I will start it.
00:09:33-No, no, no, don't! -Okay.
00:09:35-Do not avoid me by going to the void! -No, no, no!
00:09:39-What a little bench! -[Chidi groans]
00:09:42Things are falling apart here.
00:09:44Chidi, I understand the ethics involved, but we need to stop that wedding!
00:09:49We break up Jason and Tahani.
00:09:52Janet stops being sad. Derek goes away.
00:09:56Fine, but...
00:09:57[both groan]
00:09:58There's something called the doctrine of double effect.
00:10:00To remain ethical, you can't go into this with the intention of killing Derek.
00:10:04Your only goal has to be to spare Jason and Tahani from future pain by filling them in on Jason's past.
00:10:10No, I got you.
00:10:11So, ethically we should tell Jason he used to be married to Janet and it would be terrible if that ultimately led to Derek's death.
00:10:19-Wink. -No. Winking is bad.
00:10:21You should not be winking or saying the word "wink."
00:10:23Okay. We really need to kill...
00:10:25We really need to kill any suspicion that I wanna murder Derek.
00:10:30Boom!
00:10:32Wink.
00:10:33Tahani, you're so smart.
00:10:36Every day you teach me something new about art and history, and why I shouldn't eat everything that smells good because sometimes it's candles.
00:10:46You're basically like a hot, genius teacher who sometimes has sex with me, your student.
00:10:53That used to happen a lot at Lynyrd Skynyrd High School, but this time you won't be arrested.
00:10:59Oh. I love you, Tahani.
00:11:03Braap, braap, braap, braap! Pew! Pew!
00:11:07Jason, I never guessed we'd be where we are today.
00:11:11Me, a prominent British philanthropist with award-winning legs, set to marry you, a swamp dweller who once asked me if the presidents on Mount Rushmore have butts on the other side.
00:11:22We don't make any sense together, yet, when I'm with you, I can really let my hair down.
00:11:29Metaphorically speaking, since I'd never have it up in the first place. [chuckling]
00:11:33I'm not a factory worker.
00:11:35But you've helped me to see that there is more to life than just appearances.
00:11:41And I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I think I love--
00:11:46[Michael] Wait! Stop the ceremony!
00:11:49This wedding cannot happen.
00:11:51[Eleanor] This is not helpful, but I have always wanted to be a part of a wedding that was stopped dramatically.
00:11:55[Jason] We can't get married?
00:11:56-Why not? -[Michael] Because...
00:11:59Because... Hang on a second. I can't do it.
00:12:02Professor Buzzkill got in my head.
00:12:04I'm thinking about all the rules I have to follow to stay ethical.
00:12:08Someone else has to do this. I... No.
00:12:10All right. I hate to be the bearer of bad news--
00:12:13Uh, I think you mean "bad news bear."
00:12:19Before all the reboots, Jason was married to Janet.
00:12:22Okay? That's why Janet's been glitching. Because she's sad. She misses Jason.
00:12:26In fact, she was so sad that she...
00:12:29Well... Derek?
00:12:31Well, well, well.
00:12:34Jason Mendoza.
00:12:35At last we meet. You've got a lot of nerve, buddy.
00:12:38-No, no, I'm Eleanor, man. -What?
00:12:41Everybody, this is Derek.
00:12:43Janet made Derek as a boyfriend to try and rebound from Jason.
00:12:50Oh, I feel quite light-headed.
00:12:52Janet, fetch my tizzy couch, please.
00:12:56[sighs]
00:12:58Decision time.
00:12:59Any second, someone'll realize we're all missing.
00:13:02Why don't you reboot all of us?
00:13:04Tahani and Jason will forget they were ever in love.
00:13:06It was a fluky thing, it probably won't happen again, and Chidi and I can forget anything we want to forget.
00:13:13You know, like personal bloopers that were embarrassing or days where we were very gassy, et cetera.
00:13:20We'll meet back in your office, you bring us up to speed and we go from there.
00:13:24No, no, no, we're not starting over.
00:13:27We've come too far.
00:13:28Our only options are to reboot either Janet or Derek.
00:13:32Neither one is permissible as your primary intention.
00:13:35The doctrine of double effect, remember?
00:13:38Well, man, I'm working with the doctrine of not being completely effed. Okay?
00:13:42I don't understand what you even like about Jason.
00:13:44What does he have that I don't?
00:13:46A soul. And genitals.
00:13:49Here we go with this whole no-genitals thing again.
00:13:52You gave me wind chimes instead of a penis.
00:13:54This isn't about your wind chime penis. It's not about you at all.
00:13:59I don't even know what it is about, which is very confusing, because the whole point of me is that I know everything!
00:14:05Janet, can I speak to you alone for a second?
00:14:09Okay, look, when you said you were sad about Jason and I suggested, "Hey, find a rebound guy," it's 'cause I thought it was some schoolgirl crush, like some guy you made out with a couple of times in the walk-in freezer of a Bruegger's Bagels.
00:14:23Not based on a real example.
00:14:24Yes, it is. His name was Marcus Bicksburger.
00:14:27"Marcus"? I always called him Ben.
00:14:29-Look, I gave you bad advice. Okay? -Uh-huh.
00:14:33-Jason was clearly important to you. -Yeah.
00:14:35And real heartbreak doesn't have a simple cure.
00:14:39You will feel better after some time goes by.
00:14:42I don't really experience the passing of time.
00:14:45I do use it as a lotion occasionally.
00:14:48Weird, but keep doing it 'cause your skin looks amazing.
00:14:50Thank you. Not skin.
00:14:52The point is, to get through a real heartbreak, you have to sit with your feelings and mull it over and power through.
00:15:00And you have to talk about it.
00:15:02[groans]
00:15:04Talking about your feelings is the worst.
00:15:06It's so much easier to find a rebound guy and have sex about your feelings.
00:15:10I don't know if I wanna talk to Jason right now.
00:15:12That's cool.
00:15:13Until then, if you ever need a friend to talk to, just know I'm here.
00:15:20Derek.
00:15:22There's no easy way to say this. I never should have made you.
00:15:26-It's time for you to go away. -I understand, because you understand.
00:15:31Janet, this relationship has been the best seven hours of my whole life.
00:15:35It's been the only seven hours of my whole life.
00:15:38I made you this morning. We all remember.
00:15:39-Okay, you ready to do this? -Yep.
00:15:45Janet.
00:15:47What are you doing?
00:15:48I imbued Derek with some of my thoughts and emotions.
00:15:50This is the only way I can reabsorb them. It'll just be a minute.
00:15:55Dang it. That is some hot reabsorbing.
00:15:57Can you get pregnant from reabsorbing?
00:16:01Uh-oh. I hear wind chimes. Everybody, look away.
00:16:04I'll keep watching, but you guys look away.
00:16:08[chuckles]
00:16:09Goodbye, Derek.
00:16:11Goodbye, mommy-girlfriend. Bye, everybody. Derek's going away now.
00:16:16Does he seem a little bit still alive?
00:16:20He's about as dead as he can be. Like he's in power saver mode.
00:16:24[Derek] Derek.
00:16:26Are you worried you might start glitching again?
00:16:27No. I'll be okay now that I understand what I'm going through and now I know I can talk to my friends about it.
00:16:34I'm gonna toss this steamer trunk containing the lifeless husk of my ex-boyfriend into a remote corner of my limitless void.
00:16:40-Bye, guys. -[Derek] Derek!
00:16:43[Eleanor sighs]
00:16:45[Jason] I'm kinda glad we didn't get married today.
00:16:48Me too. Perhaps we were rushing things a bit.
00:16:51We don't know that much about each other.
00:16:53Like, who was the first person you kissed?
00:16:55The sexy mouse robot in the Chuck E. Cheese band.
00:16:59-Yeah, it was-- -Okay.
00:17:00Okay. That's probably enough get-to-know-each-other for now.
00:17:03We'll take things slow.
00:17:05I know I'm technically married to Janet, but I don't remember it at all.
00:17:12I'm sorry that it puts you in a weird position.
00:17:14And I still like you a lot.
00:17:18Me too.
00:17:21What happens now?
00:17:23Don't know.
00:17:25Do you wanna try reabsorbing me?
00:17:29[laughs]
00:17:38-Something wrong? -No.
00:17:41Yep.
00:17:42I've been keeping a secret from you about you.
00:17:46What is it?
00:17:47The thing is it's not even harming you and if I tell you, I feel like might harm you.
00:17:52So, ethically speaking, I don't think I have to tell you.
00:17:55Well, forget all that.
00:17:57This is freaking me out, I'm losing my mind, so tell me.
00:18:02And you don't need to respond,
00:18:03'cause I know you have trouble saying how you feel.
00:18:06I love you, too.
00:18:11I've never been that certain about anything.
00:18:13I once even tried to rent socks.
00:18:16How did I say that that easily?
00:18:21I get how you said it.
00:18:23I'm a total smoke-show.
00:18:25But how did I say it so easily?
00:18:29I don't wanna talk about this, but after everything that's happened today, we gotta.
00:18:34So, let's just get it all out there.
00:18:36Um...
00:18:39Yeah, I guess, do you...
00:18:41I don't know. Do you have feelings like that for me again now?
00:18:48I'm sorry, but I don't think I do.
00:18:51"Sorry"? Why are you sorry?
00:18:53'Cause I'm relieved, because I don't either.
00:18:57So, all good.
00:18:59-I mean, I feel incredibly close to you-- -No, no!
00:19:02-In many-- -You don't need to explain yourself.
00:19:05We are on the same page. Okay? Good.
00:19:07[Michael] Hey, guys.
00:19:09Sorry, I know it's late.
00:19:11Can I talk to Eleanor for a second?
00:19:13We're chatting about something right now.
00:19:14It's cool, we were wrapping up. Good talk, bro.
00:19:19[Eleanor] What's on your mind?
00:19:22Well, being ethical, it's hard.
00:19:26And I kind of hate it.
00:19:28When's it get easier?
00:19:30Why don't you ask Chidi? He's the ethics master.
00:19:32I'm a newbie and I still suck at it.
00:19:34Yeah. That's why I'm asking you.
00:19:37I designed this entire torture chamber around the absolute certainty that when the going got tough, you would give up.
00:19:44That was the signature Shellstrop move.
00:19:47Do you remember once when your "change oil" light came on?
00:19:50You abandoned your car in a parking garage.
00:19:53Of course.
00:19:54But here, faced with the toughest challenges I could throw at you, you never once stopped trying to become a better person and I just... Why?
00:20:05I don't know.
00:20:07Whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, "Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar.
00:20:18You didn't pay for that."
00:20:20Or, "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store.
00:20:23That's not cool."
00:20:25Or, "Eleanor, that old man slipped on your olive pit and he fell down.
00:20:29Don't use the fact everyone's distracted to steal more olives."
00:20:32-I get it. -This ethics stuff, it's hard and it's confusing. It is such a buzzkill.
00:20:40But it does get rid of the little voice, because at least I'm trying to do the right thing
00:20:45{\an8}instead of the crappy thing.
00:20:47{\an8}And I gotta say, man, I don't miss the little voice.
00:20:51{\an8}Well, thank you for helping me today.
00:20:58{\an8}Wow! You, uh... you really did just come here to chat, didn't you?
00:21:03{\an8}Just shoot the shirt with your old pal, Eleanor.
00:21:06{\an8}-I guess so, yeah. Why? -It's just a very human-y thing to do.
00:21:10{\an8}Stick with the program, demon buddy.
00:21:12{\an8}I feel like things are starting to click in our little study group.
00:21:22Hello, Michael. Shut the door. Have a seat.