Home > The Good Place

Derek

00:00:01

{\an8}Go back to the void, babe. I'll be there in a minute.

00:00:03

{\an8}Okay. I'll miss you like crazy.

00:00:04

{\an8}-I'll miss you more. -No! I'll miss you more.

00:00:06

{\an8}-Bye! -[chuckles]

00:00:08

{\an8}It's my first time making someone. He might be a little bit off.

00:00:11

{\an8}Janet, you can't just go around inventing people.

00:00:15

-Get rid of him immediately. -No. Eleanor said to find a rebound guy.

00:00:20

I couldn't find one, so I made one.

00:00:23

-He's helping me forget about Jason. -[groans]

00:00:26

Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason.

00:00:29

Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason.

00:00:31

-Jason. Jason. Jason. Jason. [exclaims] -Honey.

00:00:33

-Babe... -Jason. Jason. Jason.

00:00:35

{\an8}-Babe! -Ja--

00:00:36

{\an8}-Don't be jealous. -[exclaims]

00:00:37

{\an8}I love you now.

00:00:39

We'll spend every second together.

00:00:40

No, no! No, you are not.

00:00:43

Janet, no one can know about...

00:00:45

-I'm sorry, what's your name again? -Derek Hostetler.

00:00:48

If anybody finds out about him, we are doomed.

00:00:52

He has to stay in your void.

00:00:54

It's our void now.

00:00:56

[laughs] We moved in together!

00:00:58

What? Can you believe it?

00:01:00

-I got a hanger for my jumpsuit. -What do you--

00:01:02

I mean, that's so fast!

00:01:03

When you know, you know. And we know literally everything.

00:01:07

We are so in sync, we're finishing each other's--

00:01:09

Derek!

00:01:11

[theme music playing]

00:01:20

{\an8}-Hey, guys. -[gasps]

00:01:21

{\an8}Michael, you frightened me.

00:01:23

{\an8}Jason's making me watch this horror film

00:01:25

{\an8}about two ex-convicts who try to rob and murder a neglected child.

00:01:29

{\an8}Get over here!

00:01:32

{\an8}Hey! I got some great news.

00:01:34

{\an8}I've arranged for you to have a weekend getaway.

00:01:37

{\an8}I bet you're tired of being cooped up here.

00:01:39

{\an8}I am a bit.

00:01:40

{\an8}All this time indoors has degraded my skin from radiant to merely dewy.

00:01:45

{\an8}Me? Dewy?

00:01:46

{\an8}There's going to be plenty of sun and fun

00:01:48

{\an8}at the private campsite I set up for you at the edge of the neighborhood.

00:01:52

{\an8}Here you go.

00:01:53

{\an8}I told Vicky I'll be torturing you for the time being.

00:01:56

{\an8}Relax, live it up. Out you go. Here.

00:01:58

{\an8}Now, sadly, Janet is still offline so you can't call her, okay?

00:02:03

{\an8}The best news is, none of this is suspicious.

00:02:07

{\an8}I don't know what's gonna happen to us, but I need to tell you something...

00:02:12

{\an8}-I love you. -What are you watching?

00:02:14

{\an8}Um, Cannonball Run II.

00:02:17

{\an8}Again?

00:02:19

{\an8}You watch that movie a lot.

00:02:20

{\an8}Well, it's basically my favorite movie of all time.

00:02:23

{\an8}You can't watch it. This copy's mine.

00:02:26

{\an8}Uh-oh. I guess I'm still pretty selfish.

00:02:28

{\an8}Help! I need another ethics lesson, quick!

00:02:31

{\an8}Weird energy coming from you right now.

00:02:33

{\an8}Hey, guys. What you doing? Nothing? Great.

00:02:36

{\an8}So, Chidi, just want to double-check,

00:02:39

{\an8}how do ethical philosophers feel about murder?

00:02:42

It's frowned upon.

00:02:44

Okay, what if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That's okay, right?

00:02:50

-Is there a problem here, bud? -Okay, I'll just tell you. Uh...

00:02:55

No, too hard to explain. I'll show you. Janet.

00:02:59

-Hi, there. -Hey, there.

00:03:00

-Who the fork is that? -Derek Hostetler, PI.

00:03:03

Derek is my rebound guy. I made him.

00:03:06

Oh.

00:03:08

Did you do that because of what I said?

00:03:10

-Yes. Because of what you said. -Janet--

00:03:12

-Thank you. -Thank you.

00:03:14

You know, you seem so sad.

00:03:16

Do you want me to make you a boyfriend?

00:03:18

-I could have a brother? -Yes!

00:03:19

Based on your last 10,000 comments, it would be "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's head

00:03:23

-on Tahani's body. -Or vice versa.

00:03:25

She's not gonna make you anything.

00:03:26

Janet, that'll be all.

00:03:28

Okay. Goodbye. Say goodbye, Derek.

00:03:30

Goodbob. I hope we same place again very now.

00:03:33

[Janet laughs]

00:03:34

-His brain is wrong. -[laughs]

00:03:41

-Mmm. -Mmm.

00:03:43

The goal is to tap the ball hard enough to go through the wicket, but not so hard it goes too far through.

00:03:48

It combines both classic aspects of British sport, whimsy and restraint.

00:03:55

Oh! So restrained.

00:03:57

I believe it was Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain who called croquet "barely a game."

00:04:03

It's kind of fun, I guess. But can I teach you a different game?

00:04:07

You whack it as hard as you can, in whatever direction you want.

00:04:12

Jaguars rule!

00:04:15

The Jaguars are very good!

00:04:17

-Ooh! -Whoa! Nice!

00:04:22

Mmm.

00:04:25

[laughing]

00:04:26

-Thor! -Well done!

00:04:28

Okay. Here's where I am on this.

00:04:30

We gotta kill Derek.

00:04:32

No, think about it.

00:04:33

What if Vicky calls for Janet and Derek shows up too?

00:04:37

She'll have questions we can't answer.

00:04:40

But Derek does seem to be helping Janet get over Jason.

00:04:43

Right? No earthquakes since he showed up.

00:04:45

But if we get rid of Derek, maybe Janet will start glitching again.

00:04:50

If we can't kill Derek, we gotta break up Jason and Tahani.

00:04:53

If that relationship ends, then Janet won't feel sad anymore and maybe she'll get rid of Derek herself.

00:04:59

Girl, you are a messy bench who loves drama and I am into it.

00:05:02

I'm sorry, Michael, but that's also ethically dicey.

00:05:06

Here comes the egghead.

00:05:07

Jason and Tahani are happy together.

00:05:09

Telling them he was once married to Janet might cause them harm.

00:05:12

It's not permissible to ruin their happiness to save ourselves.

00:05:16

But isn't keeping a secret from someone basically like lying, though?

00:05:20

No, it's okay to keep a secret, as long as it isn't harming anyone and telling them that secret might cause harm.

00:05:26

Noice!

00:05:27

Cool. Good point, egghead.

00:05:29

I'll tell you what else would cause them harm, getting caught and sent to the real Bad Place to be tortured for eternity, which will happen if Derek blows our cover.

00:05:38

I know! But we'll also be sent to the real Bad Place if we do bad things.

00:05:43

I know it's tempting to take a shortcut, but moral strength is defined by how we behave in times of stress.

00:05:49

Has anyone ever told you what a drag you are?

00:05:52

Everyone. Constantly.

00:05:56

[Tahani mimics fanfare]

00:05:58

I hereby pronounce you King Jason.

00:06:03

Dope.

00:06:05

Where did you learn how to do this?

00:06:07

The Hertfordshire Academy for Expressionless Girls, a finishing school I attended before Oxford, and then of course the Sorbonne.

00:06:15

I haven't asked where you were educated.

00:06:17

I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School in northeast Jacksonville, which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.

00:06:24

Didn't you get seasick?

00:06:25

No, sorry, they were tied together in a junkyard.

00:06:29

It wasn't a very good school.

00:06:31

For most of my classes, we sold dirty magazines door-to-door.

00:06:35

You know, Jason, every single detail about your life is deeply disturbing.

00:06:39

And yet, I envy you.

00:06:41

I was never allowed to goof off.

00:06:45

I never had a friend I could be myself around.

00:06:47

Maybe I can be that friend.

00:06:51

Or your husband!

00:06:53

-Okay, stop it. -No, no, no, I'm serious.

00:06:57

Will you marry me?

00:07:01

[Eleanor] I say we just let sleeping dogs lie.

00:07:03

Tell Janet Derek can stay, but she's gotta keep him under wraps, so no other demons don't find out.

00:07:09

Fine. As long as they fly under the radar and Janet stays happy,

00:07:13

I think we'll be safe. Janet?

00:07:15

-You always do this! -You don't respect me and you never have!

00:07:18

You make a federal case out of everything!

00:07:20

Because to you, I'll always be that guy you made!

00:07:22

Guys! What's going on?

00:07:22

Can we not do this in front of my friends?

00:07:25

So they're your friends now. I'm stating a fact.

00:07:28

They are your friends. I don't know these people.

00:07:30

I am out of here.

00:07:32

-Oh, great, Derek. -I'm gonna go back to our void and I'm gonna try and forget this ever happened.

00:07:38

-It is not your void. It is my void! -Oh. Wow.

00:07:41

I know it's a boundless, barren nothingness, but you are always there.

00:07:45

-Fine, I'll go somewhere else. -Fine!

00:07:47

No, not fine! Don't go somewhere else!

00:07:50

Okay. Yeah.

00:07:51

We're forked, aren't we?

00:07:54

Look, Jason, you're lovely and I've had a wonderful time these past few weeks, but why on Earth would I marry you?

00:08:02

Well, for one thing, we're not on Earth.

00:08:05

Decent point.

00:08:06

Also, we like each other.

00:08:09

And I promise to always be nice to you.

00:08:14

Okay.

00:08:16

I'll marry you. But I need some time to plan a proper reception.

00:08:20

Where will everyone sit?

00:08:21

Michael and Janet opposite Chidi and Eleanor or Michael and Eleanor opposite Janet and Chidi?

00:08:24

Let's have it today. At the beach!

00:08:26

The beach is where all the best stuff happens, like swimsuit issues and Saving Private Ryan,

00:08:32

-and Jersey Shore and crabs! -Okay.

00:08:35

Oh, I hope Janet's back online.

00:08:37

-Janet? -Hi, there.

00:08:41

-Is everything all right? -Yeah.

00:08:43

Mmm-hmm. Everything's fine. It's okay. I'm fine.

00:08:45

So it's all fine. [laughs]

00:08:48

How can I help you?

00:08:49

-Wait. There he is! -[gasps]

00:08:51

Derek. How are you? Nice to meet you.

00:08:53

-Derek, get down! -Come here!

00:08:55

I am not coming down because I'm meant to come here.

00:08:58

I came here on purpose 'cause this tree is my new house.

00:09:01

This is Derek's house and Janet's not allowed in, because I booby-trapped it.

00:09:05

Hi.

00:09:06

Janet! You're here! Thank God!

00:09:08

Derek, I am not talking to you right now.

00:09:11

I'm here to announce that Jason Mendoza and Tahani Al-Jamil are getting married this evening.

00:09:19

"The ceremony will be private, but we think it would be totally dope if you biznatches came and got turnt up with us afterward."

00:09:26

I can guess who wrote the invitation.

00:09:28

How come you never get this upset at anything I do, Janet?

00:09:30

Do not start with me right now, Derek!

00:09:32

I will start it.

00:09:33

-No, no, no, don't! -Okay.

00:09:35

-Do not avoid me by going to the void! -No, no, no!

00:09:39

-What a little bench! -[Chidi groans]

00:09:42

Things are falling apart here.

00:09:44

Chidi, I understand the ethics involved, but we need to stop that wedding!

00:09:49

We break up Jason and Tahani.

00:09:52

Janet stops being sad. Derek goes away.

00:09:56

Fine, but...

00:09:57

[both groan]

00:09:58

There's something called the doctrine of double effect.

00:10:00

To remain ethical, you can't go into this with the intention of killing Derek.

00:10:04

Your only goal has to be to spare Jason and Tahani from future pain by filling them in on Jason's past.

00:10:10

No, I got you.

00:10:11

So, ethically we should tell Jason he used to be married to Janet and it would be terrible if that ultimately led to Derek's death.

00:10:19

-Wink. -No. Winking is bad.

00:10:21

You should not be winking or saying the word "wink."

00:10:23

Okay. We really need to kill...

00:10:25

We really need to kill any suspicion that I wanna murder Derek.

00:10:30

Boom!

00:10:32

Wink.

00:10:33

Tahani, you're so smart.

00:10:36

Every day you teach me something new about art and history, and why I shouldn't eat everything that smells good because sometimes it's candles.

00:10:46

You're basically like a hot, genius teacher who sometimes has sex with me, your student.

00:10:53

That used to happen a lot at Lynyrd Skynyrd High School, but this time you won't be arrested.

00:10:59

Oh. I love you, Tahani.

00:11:03

Braap, braap, braap, braap! Pew! Pew!

00:11:07

Jason, I never guessed we'd be where we are today.

00:11:11

Me, a prominent British philanthropist with award-winning legs, set to marry you, a swamp dweller who once asked me if the presidents on Mount Rushmore have butts on the other side.

00:11:22

We don't make any sense together, yet, when I'm with you, I can really let my hair down.

00:11:29

Metaphorically speaking, since I'd never have it up in the first place. [chuckling]

00:11:33

I'm not a factory worker.

00:11:35

But you've helped me to see that there is more to life than just appearances.

00:11:41

And I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I think I love--

00:11:46

[Michael] Wait! Stop the ceremony!

00:11:49

This wedding cannot happen.

00:11:51

[Eleanor] This is not helpful, but I have always wanted to be a part of a wedding that was stopped dramatically.

00:11:55

[Jason] We can't get married?

00:11:56

-Why not? -[Michael] Because...

00:11:59

Because... Hang on a second. I can't do it.

00:12:02

Professor Buzzkill got in my head.

00:12:04

I'm thinking about all the rules I have to follow to stay ethical.

00:12:08

Someone else has to do this. I... No.

00:12:10

All right. I hate to be the bearer of bad news--

00:12:13

Uh, I think you mean "bad news bear."

00:12:19

Before all the reboots, Jason was married to Janet.

00:12:22

Okay? That's why Janet's been glitching. Because she's sad. She misses Jason.

00:12:26

In fact, she was so sad that she...

00:12:29

Well... Derek?

00:12:31

Well, well, well.

00:12:34

Jason Mendoza.

00:12:35

At last we meet. You've got a lot of nerve, buddy.

00:12:38

-No, no, I'm Eleanor, man. -What?

00:12:41

Everybody, this is Derek.

00:12:43

Janet made Derek as a boyfriend to try and rebound from Jason.

00:12:50

Oh, I feel quite light-headed.

00:12:52

Janet, fetch my tizzy couch, please.

00:12:56

[sighs]

00:12:58

Decision time.

00:12:59

Any second, someone'll realize we're all missing.

00:13:02

Why don't you reboot all of us?

00:13:04

Tahani and Jason will forget they were ever in love.

00:13:06

It was a fluky thing, it probably won't happen again, and Chidi and I can forget anything we want to forget.

00:13:13

You know, like personal bloopers that were embarrassing or days where we were very gassy, et cetera.

00:13:20

We'll meet back in your office, you bring us up to speed and we go from there.

00:13:24

No, no, no, we're not starting over.

00:13:27

We've come too far.

00:13:28

Our only options are to reboot either Janet or Derek.

00:13:32

Neither one is permissible as your primary intention.

00:13:35

The doctrine of double effect, remember?

00:13:38

Well, man, I'm working with the doctrine of not being completely effed. Okay?

00:13:42

I don't understand what you even like about Jason.

00:13:44

What does he have that I don't?

00:13:46

A soul. And genitals.

00:13:49

Here we go with this whole no-genitals thing again.

00:13:52

You gave me wind chimes instead of a penis.

00:13:54

This isn't about your wind chime penis. It's not about you at all.

00:13:59

I don't even know what it is about, which is very confusing, because the whole point of me is that I know everything!

00:14:05

Janet, can I speak to you alone for a second?

00:14:09

Okay, look, when you said you were sad about Jason and I suggested, "Hey, find a rebound guy," it's 'cause I thought it was some schoolgirl crush, like some guy you made out with a couple of times in the walk-in freezer of a Bruegger's Bagels.

00:14:23

Not based on a real example.

00:14:24

Yes, it is. His name was Marcus Bicksburger.

00:14:27

"Marcus"? I always called him Ben.

00:14:29

-Look, I gave you bad advice. Okay? -Uh-huh.

00:14:33

-Jason was clearly important to you. -Yeah.

00:14:35

And real heartbreak doesn't have a simple cure.

00:14:39

You will feel better after some time goes by.

00:14:42

I don't really experience the passing of time.

00:14:45

I do use it as a lotion occasionally.

00:14:48

Weird, but keep doing it 'cause your skin looks amazing.

00:14:50

Thank you. Not skin.

00:14:52

The point is, to get through a real heartbreak, you have to sit with your feelings and mull it over and power through.

00:15:00

And you have to talk about it.

00:15:02

[groans]

00:15:04

Talking about your feelings is the worst.

00:15:06

It's so much easier to find a rebound guy and have sex about your feelings.

00:15:10

I don't know if I wanna talk to Jason right now.

00:15:12

That's cool.

00:15:13

Until then, if you ever need a friend to talk to, just know I'm here.

00:15:20

Derek.

00:15:22

There's no easy way to say this. I never should have made you.

00:15:26

-It's time for you to go away. -I understand, because you understand.

00:15:31

Janet, this relationship has been the best seven hours of my whole life.

00:15:35

It's been the only seven hours of my whole life.

00:15:38

I made you this morning. We all remember.

00:15:39

-Okay, you ready to do this? -Yep.

00:15:45

Janet.

00:15:47

What are you doing?

00:15:48

I imbued Derek with some of my thoughts and emotions.

00:15:50

This is the only way I can reabsorb them. It'll just be a minute.

00:15:55

Dang it. That is some hot reabsorbing.

00:15:57

Can you get pregnant from reabsorbing?

00:16:01

Uh-oh. I hear wind chimes. Everybody, look away.

00:16:04

I'll keep watching, but you guys look away.

00:16:08

[chuckles]

00:16:09

Goodbye, Derek.

00:16:11

Goodbye, mommy-girlfriend. Bye, everybody. Derek's going away now.

00:16:16

Does he seem a little bit still alive?

00:16:20

He's about as dead as he can be. Like he's in power saver mode.

00:16:24

[Derek] Derek.

00:16:26

Are you worried you might start glitching again?

00:16:27

No. I'll be okay now that I understand what I'm going through and now I know I can talk to my friends about it.

00:16:34

I'm gonna toss this steamer trunk containing the lifeless husk of my ex-boyfriend into a remote corner of my limitless void.

00:16:40

-Bye, guys. -[Derek] Derek!

00:16:43

[Eleanor sighs]

00:16:45

[Jason] I'm kinda glad we didn't get married today.

00:16:48

Me too. Perhaps we were rushing things a bit.

00:16:51

We don't know that much about each other.

00:16:53

Like, who was the first person you kissed?

00:16:55

The sexy mouse robot in the Chuck E. Cheese band.

00:16:59

-Yeah, it was-- -Okay.

00:17:00

Okay. That's probably enough get-to-know-each-other for now.

00:17:03

We'll take things slow.

00:17:05

I know I'm technically married to Janet, but I don't remember it at all.

00:17:12

I'm sorry that it puts you in a weird position.

00:17:14

And I still like you a lot.

00:17:18

Me too.

00:17:21

What happens now?

00:17:23

Don't know.

00:17:25

Do you wanna try reabsorbing me?

00:17:29

[laughs]

00:17:38

-Something wrong? -No.

00:17:41

Yep.

00:17:42

I've been keeping a secret from you about you.

00:17:46

What is it?

00:17:47

The thing is it's not even harming you and if I tell you, I feel like might harm you.

00:17:52

So, ethically speaking, I don't think I have to tell you.

00:17:55

Well, forget all that.

00:17:57

This is freaking me out, I'm losing my mind, so tell me.

00:18:02

And you don't need to respond,

00:18:03

'cause I know you have trouble saying how you feel.

00:18:06

I love you, too.

00:18:11

I've never been that certain about anything.

00:18:13

I once even tried to rent socks.

00:18:16

How did I say that that easily?

00:18:21

I get how you said it.

00:18:23

I'm a total smoke-show.

00:18:25

But how did I say it so easily?

00:18:29

I don't wanna talk about this, but after everything that's happened today, we gotta.

00:18:34

So, let's just get it all out there.

00:18:36

Um...

00:18:39

Yeah, I guess, do you...

00:18:41

I don't know. Do you have feelings like that for me again now?

00:18:48

I'm sorry, but I don't think I do.

00:18:51

"Sorry"? Why are you sorry?

00:18:53

'Cause I'm relieved, because I don't either.

00:18:57

So, all good.

00:18:59

-I mean, I feel incredibly close to you-- -No, no!

00:19:02

-In many-- -You don't need to explain yourself.

00:19:05

We are on the same page. Okay? Good.

00:19:07

[Michael] Hey, guys.

00:19:09

Sorry, I know it's late.

00:19:11

Can I talk to Eleanor for a second?

00:19:13

We're chatting about something right now.

00:19:14

It's cool, we were wrapping up. Good talk, bro.

00:19:19

[Eleanor] What's on your mind?

00:19:22

Well, being ethical, it's hard.

00:19:26

And I kind of hate it.

00:19:28

When's it get easier?

00:19:30

Why don't you ask Chidi? He's the ethics master.

00:19:32

I'm a newbie and I still suck at it.

00:19:34

Yeah. That's why I'm asking you.

00:19:37

I designed this entire torture chamber around the absolute certainty that when the going got tough, you would give up.

00:19:44

That was the signature Shellstrop move.

00:19:47

Do you remember once when your "change oil" light came on?

00:19:50

You abandoned your car in a parking garage.

00:19:53

Of course.

00:19:54

But here, faced with the toughest challenges I could throw at you, you never once stopped trying to become a better person and I just... Why?

00:20:05

I don't know.

00:20:07

Whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, "Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar.

00:20:18

You didn't pay for that."

00:20:20

Or, "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store.

00:20:23

That's not cool."

00:20:25

Or, "Eleanor, that old man slipped on your olive pit and he fell down.

00:20:29

Don't use the fact everyone's distracted to steal more olives."

00:20:32

-I get it. -This ethics stuff, it's hard and it's confusing. It is such a buzzkill.

00:20:40

But it does get rid of the little voice, because at least I'm trying to do the right thing

00:20:45

{\an8}instead of the crappy thing.

00:20:47

{\an8}And I gotta say, man, I don't miss the little voice.

00:20:51

{\an8}Well, thank you for helping me today.

00:20:58

{\an8}Wow! You, uh... you really did just come here to chat, didn't you?

00:21:03

{\an8}Just shoot the shirt with your old pal, Eleanor.

00:21:06

{\an8}-I guess so, yeah. Why? -It's just a very human-y thing to do.

00:21:10

{\an8}Stick with the program, demon buddy.

00:21:12

{\an8}I feel like things are starting to click in our little study group.

00:21:22

Hello, Michael. Shut the door. Have a seat.