Home > The Good Place

The Burrito

[people screaming]

[all groaning]

That was awesome! I'm going again!

No!

I think I barfed in the nether-dimension before we landed.

Is my barf just gonna float out there forever?

Will someone fly through my barf when they use the portal?

Ugh, stop saying "barf."

And where's Michael?

He's not coming.

He sacrificed himself to save me.

The last thing I saw was Shawn grabbing him.

Was it a nice grab or a bad grab?

A bad grab.

Like a nice bad grab or a mean bad grab?

No Michael and no Janet.

Didn't get to say a proper goodbye.

Not even a mere toodle-oo.

We're on our own. We have to handle this ourselves.

Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, so... where's the Judge?

All I see is a burrito.

[Chidi] Do you think it's a test?

Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, or we eat it together, or maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.

I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it.

Unless the burrito is the Judge.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Judges aren't food.

Judges are serious people, who wear long silk nightgowns and big white powdered wigs.

Ah-ah! He could be right.

-[Tahani] What? -Really?

I don't know.

I'm just saying we've certainly seen weirder things than an all-knowing burrito. We can't take any chances.

Hello, Your Excellency. My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

We doth seek thine judgment.

We've traveled a long distance to see you, O Great One.

-What are you guys looking at? -[all screaming and exclaiming]

Hi. I'm the Judge. That's a burrito.

What's up, guys?

[theme music playing]

Yeah, I did not think I had a case today.

The paperwork should have shown up by now.

{\an8}Unless you guys just, like, came here.

Wait, did you guys just come here?

[gasps]

{\an8}Oh, my God. You guys are bad.

Which one is the worst one of you?

Is it you, Glasses?

Oh, I bet it's you.

{\an8}Okay, yeah, we did just sort of "show up,"

{\an8}but we had to. We were escaping the Bad Place.

{\an8}-Mmm-hmm. -Which, now that I think about it,

{\an8}there might be some demons following us.

{\an8}Don't worry about that. Any time anyone shows up in my chambers,

{\an8}the portal is sealed until I issue my ruling.

So you guys can relax. Get comfortable.

{\an8}[gasps] A classic St. Crispin's Day garden party frock.

{\an8}Wait, is it after 4:00 p.m.? Not important.

Let's have a look at your files.

{\an8}Wait, you don't already know everything about us? You're not omniscient?

{\an8}Well, not in the way you mean.

{\an8}I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind,

{\an8}so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

{\an8}That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit.

{\an8}I've been bingeing Ken Burns' Vietnam recently.

{\an8}It's okay.

{\an8}I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long.

{\an8}You know what I'm saying? [chuckles]

{\an8}Anyway, your petition is denied. I can't hear your case.

Please exit to the rear.

What?

I just absorbed the entirety of your existences, and I just wanna say, you guys are so cute.

And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork, and you have no advocate, and the rules say I gotta...

[blows raspberry] send you back.

Your Honor, please hear our case.

You frankly wouldn't believe what we've been through just to be here today.

I mean, I would, because I just learned everything about you, but keep talking.

I am, like, obsessed with your accent.

We have made so much progress, and all we ask is an audience with you to prove it.

Is that not your very purpose? To weigh in on matters such as ours?

To paraphrase a song written by my godfather,

"Hey, Judge, don't make it bad. Take a sad group and make us better."

Say "aluminum."

Aluminium.

"Alumin..." [laughs]

I love that! And I love your passion.

I mean, it takes a lot of guts to just show up here unannounced.

Plus, I haven't had a case in, like, 30 years and I'm super bored.

So it's either this or start Bloodline and, I don't know,

I don't feel like I can see Kyle Chandler as anyone else but Coach Taylor.

So, the case?

Right!

Let's do it.

[all sigh in relief]

[Shawn] You had one job: torture four bad people forever.

Not only did you fail, you're a traitor.

You really junked your jeans on this one, you butterface.

I did what I had to do.

Oh, you had to junk your jeans?

How could you betray your own kind like this?

Who taught you how to turn a human inside out by reaching down their throat and grabbing their butt from the inside?

You did.

You got that right, sister.

And this is how you repay me.

Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture. You never cared about me.

In the words of one of my actual friends, "You're basic."

It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.

The point is, the four of them are in front of the Judge.

And the Good Janet has escaped too. You'll never find her.

Oh, you mean this Good Janet?

I found her in, like, two seconds.

She was wandering the halls, being polite to people, like a chump.

So I marbleized her.

Keep her if you want.

Maybe shove it up your wiener for safekeeping.

I don't know. It's up to you.

I'm going to give each of you a test to see how much progress you've made, and if I deem you fit to be in the Good Place, then...

Zoop!

Up you go! Well, actually, sort of, that way. [exclaims]

Great. Can we be tested together as a group?

Yeah, we all need to be able to cheat off Chidi.

That's why your name is Chidi. I get it now.

I'm sorry, cuties. The tests have to be individual.

Well, can we be graded as a group then?

The only reason we've come this far is because we've helped each other.

And I don't think anything's gonna feel like the Good Place if we're not together.

So, if you all pass, you're in.

And if even one of you fails, you're all effed, right?

Terrible idea. I mean, truly awful.

You are very lucky that I cannot send you to the Bad Idea Place, because that one is a stanker.

But whatever blows your dress up. Am I right? [clicks tongue]

-Jason. -Present!

Good.

In front of you is a video game system loaded with Madden football.

Are you kidding me? I'm the best at Madden.

I call Jaguars!

As I was about to tell you, you can only play against the Jaguars...

-No. -...using their archrivals,

{\an8}-the Tennessee Titans. -No!

If you play the game and you lose--

Oh! I'm gonna win. Say no more, scary judge lady.

Tell my friends their souls are in good hands.

No! I fumbled the kickoff! Titans suck!

Tahani. It's such a pretty name.

My name is super boring.

Gen. Which is short for "hydrogen," which was the only thing that was in existence when I was born.

Anyhoo, all you have to do is go through there, walk down the hallway and through the red door at the end.

-That's it? That's my test? -Yup.

Oh, also, everyone in every room that you pass is going to be discussing what they truly think about you.

Okay, have fun!

[gasps]

Oh, I see.

It's a test of my ability to not care what people think of me.

[gasps] Oh, no!

So, just to be clear, you actually rebooted them over 800 times, and all of these reports of their torture are completely fake?

Yes. But, frankly, this is on you.

A lot of those details I just took directly from Stephen King novels and episodes of Pretty Little Liars.

Just tell me why. Why would you do this?

It's not like I planned it!

I was just trying to prove that humans could be made to torture each other.

Instead, they helped each other and got better.

They were bad people.

This is not supposed to be possible.

So, the only explanation is that somehow, there was a mistake made, and these people belong in the Good Place.

No, they don't, idiot.

-Shawn, this is not fair. -[Shawn scoffs]

"Fair" is the stupidest word humans ever invented.

-Except for "staycation." -Ew.

Look, those four humans are good people, and they deserve a staycation in the Good Place.

And I bet the Judge will feel the same way.

I doubt she even hears their case.

But if she does, one of them will screw it up. They always do.

I'm sick of smelling this guy's lumpy, white ass.

Can we get rid of him already?

Yeah, it's time. Follow me.

Okay, Eleanor and Chidi.

Looks like you guys are up.

-At the same time? -[chuckles] Yup.

[exhales heavily]

[sighs]

[giggles]

Trippy, right?

There is no test. You guys are in!

We're "in"? What does that mean?

You've made great strides and you've made it to the Good Place.

-[Eleanor gasps] -Congrats.

Take these medallions, go right through that portal and you're there in a jiff.

-We made it. We made it. -We made it. Holy crap!

-[both laughing] -[Chidi] Whoo!

All those ethics lessons paid off. Whoever said philosophy was stupid?

You did! Many times. As recently as this morning.

Whoo!

But you also worked really hard and you deserve this.

You really do.

Here's the thing, though. It's just the two of you.

Tahani and Jason didn't make it.

I'm giving them tests right now to determine where they belong within the Bad Place.

So, you might wanna reconsider that judge-us-together thing,

'cause if you stick to that, you're all going down.

I am so hungry. Why am I so hungry?

Oh, I'm such an idiot. I forgot to eat my burrito.

And I was so hungry too. What a dork.

Okay, obviously, this is the test, right?

I bet the Judge gave Jason and Tahani the same offer and whichever couple takes it actually loses, and the other two get in for real.

Oh, diabolical.

Hey, Judge, we figured out what--

Nope! Tahani and Jason have not been given the same offer.

Here, take a look.

Tahani's test is to walk down a hallway and not get tempted by her gossiping friends.

Jason is playing video games.

Oh. Okay, cool.

[stammering] Sorry, I feel weird saying this to an almighty Judge, but you have hot sauce on your chin.

Thank you.

It's actually not hot sauce.

It's envy, or the concept of envy.

It's really good on Mexican food. It gives it a little kick.

Okay, so what do we do?

Mmm.

Oh, no. That was your "moral quandary" grimace, which is different from your "gas pain" grimace... [mimics groaning] and different from your

"someone said 'from whence it came' instead of 'whence it came'" grimace.

[imitates exasperation]

So, spit it out, man!

If this isn't a test, then it's something way worse.

-What? -A choice!

That we have to make.

Yeah, you know, why can't one part of the calculation of our eternal fate be easy?

I don't know.

Quevenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking, in the same room, discussing me?

Guess they must have made up.

Focus. There'll be Fergies aplenty in the Good Place.

[sighs]

I don't know where we went wrong with Tahani.

I know. She is such a disappointment compared to her sister.

Hello, Father.

-Hello, Mother. -Oh.

Hello, Tahani.

We were just talking about how you're a huge disappointment compared to your sister.

Have a seat. We'd love to get your take.

[Judge] How's it going in here?

I'm losing by three.

Meditating to calm myself down.

I'd be winning by, like, a million if I could play as the Jags, instead of against them.

I hate scoring against my own favorite team.

But you already knew that because this is the test!

Yeah, that's not a revelation or something.

I explained that very clearly.

It's nice to see you, Tahani.

Apparently, wherever you've been, they've been keeping you well-fed.

You know, I've actually risked quite a lot to be in this room right now, so if you could just not be cruel for 30 seconds, that would be lovely.

Apologies. It's been a while since we've seen you.

We have so much to tell you about your sister.

We've just heard the most wonderful news.

Kamilah dedicated her last album to you.

Really?

Well, she dedicated it to her fans and you're one of her fans.

The whole point of this afterlife test is that everyone in these rooms is supposed to be talking about me and yet, even in this scenario, you are still talking about Kamilah.

Which is exactly the point.

I was never going to be enough for you, never going to earn your respect.

You know, I have done things that you would never have approved of.

I died dressed as someone in the service industry.

I shagged a Floridian. I even ate a Cheeto.

-[gasps] -That's right.

Chewing it was deafening and it's the happiest I have ever been.

Don't get upset, dear.

You barely fit in that dress and I'm afraid you're going to "Hulk out," as it were.

Okay.

I'm sorry we didn't have a better relationship and I wish you both the best.

[Shawn] All right, idiot, any last words?

Go ahead and retire me already.

You're not getting retired, Michael.

-I'm not? -No.

Retirement is a spectacle.

Everyone would see the flaming ladles go down your throat.

Everyone would hear your eternal shrieks of agony, blah-blah-blah.

Then they'd ask me what you did.

I don't need that scrutiny right now.

So, I'm just going to throw you in this unmarked room for the rest of eternity.

[Michael grunts]

And, since it seems you love humans so much, I'll torture you like one.

All you'll have for entertainment is that giant stack of New Yorker magazines.

Oh, come on. You and I both know I'll never read those.

Of course you won't.

But they'll just keep coming.

[both laugh diabolically]

Goodbye, Michael.

We will leave you with one of Bad Janet's classic farts.

The smell will linger for ten million years.

All right, here comes the boom!

Oh, wait. Actually, before I absolutely let it rip,

I just have one more thing I have to do.

What?

It's me! Good Janet!

Janet!

I thought you were a marble.

That was a trick!

I realized if we wanted our friends to have any chance of survival,

I had to learn how to do a lot of bad things really quickly.

So I did!

Now I'm ready to go back to being nice again.

[grunts] What happened?

Okay, now I'll be nice again.

Could you please stop doing that?

It helps me think.

We've been through every argument:

Contractualist, Kantian, "What would Superman do?",

"What would Rihanna do?" Are we missing anything?

Hit me, right now, with your most obscure, boring-est,

"old white dude with a long wizard beard" mumbo jumbo.

Okay, our friends are going to the Bad Place and us choosing to go with them won't lessen their suffering.

So, morally, we're allowed to go.

But let's forget about the ethics for a second.

After everything that's happened, don't we deserve to be together?

And happy, for once?

Judge?

Have you made your decision?

Yeah.

We're not going to the Good Place.

I mean, that was never actually an option, but for the sake of your test, we're not going.

What do you mean?

Well, I was 99% sure that going was the wrong move, but, since our whole relationship has been me being sure of something and Chidi explaining why I was wrong,

I owed it to him to quadruple-check.

The capper came when I realized that ain't Chidi.

The Chidi I know wouldn't argue that he should be rewarded while his friends got punished and he would never "forget about ethics for a second."

I don't know who this joker is, but it's not Chidi Anagonye.

Wait, but what about the--

Well done, Eleanor.

You can take a seat and wait for the others.

Can I have that medallion back?

'Cause it's actually a coaster for my sodas.

Mmm-hmm.

Where is the real Chidi, though? Is he okay?

He's still taking his test.

[clock ticking]

Okay, this is ridiculous. Um...

I'm just gonna choose...

Brown.

Gray's the obvious choice, which is probably why

I shouldn't choose it.

Brown. Nope. Gray.

Nope. Brown. Brown hat.

All right. Fun stuff?

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Yeah? Feeling good? -Very.

-Yeah, I think so, yes. -Yes.

Great. You're all going to the Bad Place.

Okay. Um...

If I was the one who failed, could you at least tell me why I failed, for my own edification?

It took you 82 minutes to choose a hat.

But did I at least choose the right one?

There is no right one. They're hats.

Come on, man! Ugh!

Tahani, you skipped a lot of rooms that I thought would entice you, but you weren't supposed to open any doors and you couldn't resist confronting your parents.

Sorry, everyone.

But now that I failed, can I go back in and talk to Winston Churchill and Freddie Mercury?

No.

Jason, your test was about impulse control and you showed great improvements.

But you never asked if you could opt not to play.

I mean, you basically told me, an all-knowing Judge, to just shut up and go away.

Do you realize how insane that is?

Not as insane as picking off the greatest quarterback of all time,

Blake Bortles, to set up a last-second game-winning field goal.

[imitating Jason mockingly]

Now, Eleanor's test was about her selfishness,

-and she actually-- -I failed.

I shoved an old lady down the stairs to get to the raw bar, because I'm a shrimp fiend.

So, we all failed. Let's not dwell on it.

All right. Shall we?

Oh, I am gonna miss you guys.

I made a little video of our time together.

[music playing through video]

Look, there we are.

You know, I thought I'd have a stomachache right now, but weirdly...

I do.

-There's my guy. -What?

Doesn't matter. I'm gonna miss you, bud.

{\an8}Every time they pull my eyeballs out through my mouth, I'll think of you.

{\an8}[laughs]

{\an8}I'm gonna frame that one.

{\an8}We gave it our best shot, guys.

{\an8}I say we go through the portal, get a good night's sleep,

{\an8}come back fresh in the morning, try again.

{\an8}Oh, Jason,

{\an8}I feel like you always understand about 20% of what's happening.

{\an8}-Thanks. -Sure.

{\an8}[sniffles] I mean, look at us.

{\an8}Good times.

{\an8}All right, off to eternal damnation.

Do you hear something?

[man yelling]

-Oh! -[all gasp]

Hey, guys! How you been?