Home > The Good Place

Everything is Bonzer

{\an8}I still believe that they would have become good people

{\an8}if they'd just gotten a push in the right direction.

{\an8}Oh, no.

{\an8}-What are they talking about? -No idea.

{\an8}It's only four people.

{\an8}And it's clearly the best way to see if bad people can become good

{\an8}without knowing anything about what's waiting in the afterlife.

{\an8}[groaning]

{\an8}Okay, let's do it.

{\an8}But there have to be strict rules. Otherwise, the results will be tainted.

{\an8}And I reserve the right to change my mind at any point.

{\an8}Would someone who's not an eternal being please explain to me what the--

[snaps fingers]

Hi, I'm Michael.

You must be the Doorman.

Ah.

This is wild. I had no idea this was even here.

So, I have this ruling from the Judge.

Heading on down to Earth to reverse the deaths of these four people.

It's kinda tricky, you know? Starts up a new timeline.

So there might be some ripple effects.

But it's necessary for the experiment that we're doing there.

So, how long does this trip take? Hope I don't get a middle seat. [chuckles]

Wow, I haven't heard a joke in 8,000 years.

And I still haven't.

That's the door to Earth.

Go through there, you'll be wherever you need to be.

You won't have any other powers, though.

You want to get around, you'll have to take a bus or something.

A bus?

[scoffs] Oh, boy. Oh, man. I'm gonna sit in a front-facing seat.

No, no, maybe a sideways-facing seat. [chuckling]

I'm gonna get so motion sick.

Oh, man! What do I do?

-Just grab that key? -Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

This key is made of the very first atoms that came into existence in the universe.

It is one of a kind and cannot be duplicated. See?

{\an8}"Do not duplicate."

Only I touch this key.

And what's the significance of the key chain?

Nothin'. I just like frogs. I'm a frog guy.

When you need to get back here, make sure you're alone, press this button.

-Any questions? No? -[keys jangling]

Great. Knock yourself out.

Uh-oh.

[gasps]

I'm sorry, but this is an important moment in our--

-On your right, pal! -Ah, jeez, watch it, man!

Ahhh!

[Tahani] Come down! Come down, where you belong!

[screams]

[crowd gasps]

-[in Italian] Buongiorno! Buongiorno. -[knocking on safe door]

[groans]

Oh, wow! I was just on Earth. It was incredible.

The... the traffic, the pigeons, and I saw this place that was at once a Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell.

I mean, oh, the mind reels.

A Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! Ah!

[theme music playing]

{\an8}Oh, Janet, it was everything I ever imagined.

{\an8}-I got to ride a bike. -Hmm.

{\an8}I put a coin in a thing and got a gumball.

{\an8}And then someone came up to me and said, "Hot enough for ya?"

{\an8}And you know what I said? I said, "Tell me about it." [laughs]

{\an8}Well, I am glad that you got to chew a gumball.

{\an8}Oh, damn. I didn't even think to chew it.

{\an8}[ticker tapes ticking]

{\an8}Missed opportunity. Shoot!

{\an8}Did you also save their lives?

{\an8}Yes, of course. Everyone is safe. Including Jason.

{\an8}Now, just sit back and watch as they become better people. [chuckles]

{\an8}Being good is for suckers. What do you even get out of it? I quit.

{\an8}Eat my farts, Benedict Cumberbatch.

{\an8}Morning, Chidi. Blueberry muffin for ya?

{\an8}Uh, I don't know. Maybe. I can't decide.

{\an8}-You all right there, mate? -Okay, I've made my decision.

{\an8}I want to...

{\an8}start crying.

Oh!

[interviewer] Hey, Tahani Al-Jamil.

{\an8}I'm from International Sophisticate Magazine.

{\an8}-Mind if we ask you 582 questions? -Sounds delightful.

{\an8}[interviewer] Where are we exactly?

{\an8}My pied-à-terre, just off the coast of Barcelona.

{\an8}[interviewer] What's one thing people don't know about you?

{\an8}That I was such a tomboy in high school. See?

{\an8}[interviewer] Wow, looking good! Okay, next question.

{\an8}Who would you say is the most famous person in your phone?

"It's not about who you know. Enlightenment comes from within."

The Dalai Lama texted me that. [sniffs]

K, will you make me the happiest man in the world and agree to be my wife?

No.

Do you think my name is the letter "K"?

Just say yes. If we're married, legally, you can't arrest me.

Plus, bonus, you can have the stuff I stole.

Yeah, he just confessed to the robbery.

Damn it!

Ugh. You realize what the problem is, right?

Yes, but there's no way to help.

Maybe there is.

In the afterlife, they all got better because they helped each other.

And the key to that was Chidi and Eleanor's connection.

If I get them together, everything else will follow.

-Michael, no-- -I'm gonna meet Eleanor someplace and plant the idea in her mind that she needs to find Chidi.

And then maybe I'll visit Chidi and make sure that he helps her when she shows up.

I'm just gonna nudge the two of them together. Just nudgy-nudge-nudge.

The Judge was pretty clear in her instructions.

And the Judge is, you know, the Judge of, you know, the universe.

She'll never find out.

She spends all her time in her chambers binging TV shows.

She's watching all of NCIS right now.

Hey, there.

Need to head on back to Earth. [chuckles softly]

Travel papers.

You know, the Judge said to use the same ones.

'Cause I'm, uh, visiting the same people.

I almost forgot. I brought you a nice hot cup of antimatter.

I usually only drink decaf antimatter.

-Ah. -Eh, I'll take it.

It's only 4:30.

-My shift doesn't end till nine billion. -Ooh.

-What do I owe ya? -The real question, Eleanor... is what do we owe to each other?

[Chidi through laptop] "What do we owe to each other?"

{\an8}That is the question Tim Scanlon asked decades ago.

And it is the question I will try to answer over the next three hours.

Are you Chidi Ana... Kendrick?

"Anagonye," and yes.

Great. Hi, my name is Eleanor Shellstrop.

Can we talk?

-Sure. -Okay, uh, where do I start?

I'm not, like, the best person in the world.

I'm a trash bag from Arizona, which is saying something.

Our biggest exports are racist sheriffs and HPV.

But about a year ago, something crazy happened.

-And I-- -[knock on door]

[both speaking French]

Sorry, I've been flying for 40 hours. This is Australia, right?

Yes, I grew up in Senegal so my native language is French.

But I went to American school

-so I also speak English. -Oh.

And German, and Greek and Latin, just in case it ever comes back.

Cool. I once got 12 out of 12 on a BuzzFeed quiz called,

"Do you know all the slang words the Kardashians invented?"

-Congratulations? -Thank you.

I'm gonna be honest. I did cheat.

You were saying something crazy happened to you.

Yes. Uh, I almost died.

And it made me wanna become a better person, which I did, for a while, but then I fell back into my old, trash-bag ways.

Yesterday, I saw your lecture and something just clicked.

[stammers] You flew all the way here from Arizona just to see me?

Don't flatter yourself, pal.

Sorry, that's a knee-jerk reaction. Yes, that's exactly what I did.

And I know that seems zonkatronic... That's Khloe's word for crazy.

But I need someone to help guide me, morally speaking.

And I think I need it to be you.

What do you say? Will you help me become a good person?

Yes.

[chuckles softly]

[gasps]

I'll start you off with some introductory philosophy books, and then we'll meet here once a week?

Great. Ideally, some of those books will have been made into a movie or maybe a funny GIF... but anything is good with me, man.

-Can I ask you something? -Mmm-hmm.

Why are you helping me?

I'm a teacher, that's my job.

Yeah, but I'm not your student.

I'm just some hot rando who walked in off the street.

There's gotta be another reason.

Yes, there is. Um...

-I also had a near-death experience. -Whoa.

I don't know for sure that I would have died, but it was pretty nuts.

I'm... I'm sorry, but this is an important moment in our--

-On your right, pal! -Ah, jeez, watch it, man!

Ahh!

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

That... that is right where I was standing.

I was frozen here, unable to make a simple decision.

And I almost got crushed by an air conditioner.

This is a sign.

I shouldn't be using air conditioners. The Freon is awful for the environment.

That's the lesson you take from this?

Chidi, your brain is broken. You need to fix your brain.

[Chidi] So, in a nutshell, I have a 3,600-page thesis that I am nowhere near finishing.

I am absolutely paralyzed by decision-making and it is destroying my life.

Yeah, I sorta got that when you couldn't choose a chair to sit on.

Well, I... I didn't wanna offend you in case you had a favorite.

Look, I know I just kinda... No.

...walked in here and you don't know me at all.

But is there any way to tell if my indecision is due to a brain thing?

Oh, yeah, sure. Now what we do is, we make a lengthy incision from your eyebrows to the nape of your neck, and we peel your face back, right, and slice your skull open, and I just randomly stab at your brain with an electrified needle.

The fun part is, you're awake the whole time.

Uh...

I'm kidding. Nah!

I'll just give you an MRI and look at the part of your brain that controls decision-making.

Oh, I want that. I need to learn about my brain. Please.

Well, so you just march into my office unannounced, tell me your brain is broken, and demand I drop everything and just put you in the university's $3 million MRI machine?

-Oh, I'm sorry, I just-- -I freakin' love it.

You're so weird. Let's go.

-Right now? -Oh, yeah, come on.

[Chidi] Okay.

[Simone] This is your hippocampus. It regulates memory.

Yours looks great. Very strong.

-Gorgeous hippocampus there. -[both chuckle]

[Simone] This is your ventromedial prefrontal cortex, the center of decision-making.

This is where the magic happens. Do you see how it's all lit up?

That's a flurry of activity that occurred when I asked you to choose between red and blue, and you almost passed out.

Is it too late to pick blue?

It is, yeah.

Point is, at first glance, your brain is very healthy.

Oh, there are actual answers here. Data you can observe and learn from.

Yeah, man. Science is all about getting answers.

You philosophers can spend your entire life mulling over a single question.

That's why everyone hates

-moral philosophy professors. -[both chuckle]

-No offense. -None taken. We suck.

-Yeah. -[both laugh]

-Chidi. -One blueberry muffin, please.

[Chidi] Why choose to be good? Every day?

I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people.

Simply put, we are not in this alone.

Thank you.

[audience applauds]

Wow, Chidi. You chose that muffin in less than a minute.

That beats your old record by 59 minutes.

Henry, I feel amazing.

I am 100 pages into my new thesis, and it is some of the best writing that I have ever done.

I haven't been this happy since...

Oh, wow, I've never been happy. Huh!

-Bad! -I'm proud of you, mate.

Must be really nice to live that way.

Well, that's the beauty of it. Anyone can live this way.

Just decide to be more decisive.

What's something that you always wanted to do?

I have been putting off getting in shape.

Then make the decision to wake up tomorrow morning and get in shape.

It is that easy.

Okay. Maybe I will.

What have you got to lose?

-Nothing! -[both laugh]

Henry, what happened to you?

Well, I was using the leg press at the gym, and you know how your legs bend a certain way?

-My legs bend the other way now. -Oh, no.

All the tendons in my legs snapped like violin strings.

And then my foot flew forwards, and I kicked myself in the face, which gave me a concussion.

But on the bright side, I lost control of my bladder, someone got it on video, and now "leg-press whizzer" has 62,000 views on YouTube.

I'm famous.

This is all my fault. I did this to you.

Uh-uh. Muffins. I brought blueberry muffins.

Oh, no, you shouldn't eat blueberries anymore.

I read an article. The migrant workers who pick them are horribly mistreated.

Gah!

Morning, Chidi. Blueberry muffin for ya?

Uh, I don't know. Maybe. I can't decide.

-You all right there, mate? -Okay, I've made my decision.

I want to... start crying.

Excuse me, what is the maximum number of books that I can check out?

Is it 12,000?

Got a wild weekend planned?

I need to find a new topic for my thesis, and this thing happened that made me more decisive, and a few months ago, my friend broke both his legs. It's my fault.

And blueberries. And I need help.

-Whoo! [laughs] -Maybe that help will come from

{\an8}Tay Zonday's autobiography Chocolate Book!

{\an8}[chuckling] I mean, who's to say?

Mate, I've worked in this library a long time, and I've seen a lot of academic types with that same helpless look on their faces.

They all made it through okay.

Once they learned the secret.

What's the secret? There's a secret?

Is the secret more books? How many more books do I need?

It's not about books, mate. It's about perspective.

Sometimes, when you're feeling helpless, the secret is to help someone else, get out of your own head.

Trust me.

Next time someone asks for help... say yes.

A few hours later, you walked in and asked for help.

Now, I don't know if this is going to solve all of my problems, but it's worth a try. Right?

Well, thank you, sexy librarian guy.

I didn't say he was sexy.

I know, but whenever anyone tells me a story about their life,

I always imagine all the people as being super hot.

Otherwise, I quickly lose interest.

Do you not do that? You can do it for free.

I gotta say, I enjoyed playing the role of mysterious librarian, and I really... [in bad accent] Nailed the Australian accent.

-Uh-huh. Flawless. -Thank you.

But the point is, Eleanor and Chidi are together, and now we can relax.

Everything is finally on track.

Status report.

They're plugging away, but we still can't hack into the Judge's system.

[Shawn] Damn it!

Those four humans have been on Earth for over a year.

I need to know if they're getting better.

Can I just ask?

We torture 30 billion humans. Why do you care so much about these four?

Never mind. Forget I asked.

[Todd] Serves him right for questioning you, boss.

I think you're doing a great job.

Thank you, Todd.

[Todd] No, no, no, no--

-Why did you do that? -I'm a demon. It's fun.

No one leaves this room until we've accessed the Judge's system.

Would music help? Should I play some music?

Good idea. Choose something deeply terrible to inspire us.

["Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx playing through speakers]

Oh, yeah. That's the stuff.

So, for Aristotle, virtue is practical.

Goodness isn't something that a person inherently has.

It's something that she achieves through her actions.

-Questions? -Uh, yeah, a few.

I wrote down, "What? Huh?"

And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle,

I thought it was pronounced like "Chipotle."

Wait a minute. Is it "chip-a-tottle"?

These are all great questions, but I have to meet my thesis advisor across campus.

Oh. Uh, I'm headed that way, too. I'll walk with you.

Hey, so...

I've been trying to figure out how to pay you back for helping me.

I told you, you don't owe me anything.

At home, when I want get something nice for one of my friends, it usually comes in the form of something... edible. You get what I'm saying? An edible thing?

-Please don't buy me drugs. -Okay, copy that.

I had no choice. I was in his driveway taking pictures when he walked out, so I said, "Hey, Mr. Crowe, I'm from the gas company.

I loved you in Gladiator."

-Chidi! Hey! -[Chidi] Hey!

I got a question.

Is it, "What's my thesis topic?" Because I still don't know.

[chuckling] No, it's not that.

Oh, I'm sorry, you guys haven't met yet.

Simone, this is Eleanor.

-The famous Simone. Nice to meet you. -You, too.

So, I've got to do some MRI scans as a control for an experiment, and since you loved it so much last time,

I was wondering if you could just pop back in there, help me out?

-Oh, absolutely. -Cool.

Okay, well, just come by my lab at 6:00, and then afterwards, I can buy you dinner as a thank you.

Oh, no, no, you don't have to do that.

Oh. Okay. Well, I'll see you later.

-Nice to meet you. Yeah. -You, too.

-What? -Uh...

You and Simone have some real professor-dork vibes flowing.

You're both teachers... who are hot for teacher. [squeals]

How have you not asked her out yet?

-Are you scared? -No.

It's not impressive to guess that I'm scared, Eleanor.

I'm scared of everything, and I can't just do things like that.

-Just drop it, okay? -Well--

Just promise me you'll drop it.

Okay. I promise.

So, you're into Chidi, right?

Forgive my bluntness, but I'm usually right about these things.

Yeah, but I made it pretty clear a bunch of times, and he's never responded, so I assumed he wasn't interested.

[Chidi] Okay, I'm all set.

[Simone] I'm just gonna ask you some basic questions, Chidi.

-What is one plus one? -Two.

-[Simone] What color is the sky? -[Chidi] Blue.

-What color are Simone's eyes? -Brown.

[stammers] What?

If you could take Simone anywhere on a date, where would you take her?

Sorry, is this part of the experiment?

It is now, yes. Please answer the question.

And keep in mind we can see your brain.

Next question.

You are into Simone.

That's not a question.

So, you agree it's a fact.

Next question's for Simone.

Simone, are you annoyed at Chidi for waiting so long to ask you out?

Yes, I am.

[Eleanor] Chidi, same question for you.

Are you annoyed at yourself for waiting so long to ask out Simone?

I'm annoyed with you and I've only known you three weeks.

[Chidi] Yes, I am obviously very annoyed with myself.

-Can I get out now? -No, you can't. It'll ruin the science.

There's only one question left, and you gotta ask it, bud.

Simone, would you like to have dinner with me?

-That is highly inappropriate. -[chuckles]

-Uh... -I'm just kidding.

-Yes, I would. Thank you for asking. -[laughs]

Oh, cute.

This is a disaster.

Michael, relax.

How are the two of them gonna bond?

There were plenty of reboots where Eleanor and Chidi weren't even soulmates, and he still always helped her.

Simone and Chidi are good together.

I've been running simulations on what their kids will be like.

One of them is hot enough to be on The Bachelor, and smart enough to never go on The Bachelor.

This is not just about Chidi.

I have left too much to chance.

Until our group is back together again, this whole thing is hanging by a thread.

I'm going back down.

You're pressing your luck.

If you keep disobeying Mommy, something bad is going to happen.

What?

I don't have a mom, so I've been experimenting with thinking of the Judge as my mom. [chuckles]

-It's weird. Forget it. -Okay.

How are you even gonna get Jason and Tahani to Australia?

I have no idea, but I have to try.

Well, good luck, Dad.

Nope. Also weird. Just go.

Hey, bud.

Brought you some decaf hazelnut antimatter.

Just a little treat for my old pal, the Doorman.

Heading back down, by the way. [clears throat]

You sure the Judge is okay with you going back to Earth so many times?

Oh, yeah, yeah, all good. See? Still got the papers.

Shouldn't be long.

[typing]

How we doing, Steve?

-I'm trying. I'm getting close. -[computer beeping]

Good. No pressure.

-[typing] -[computer chiming]

Ah-ha. Someone just went down to Earth, and that gave me a backdoor to the Judge's system.

Now we can see everything that's happening with all four humans. [sighs]

[gasps]

-Excellent work, Steve. -[sighs]

Uh-oh. Looks like someone's been cocooning again. [chuckles]

It would be a real help if you let me know next time you're about to--

Well, well, well.

Looks like Michael's been caught with his hand in the human jar.

[Glenn] Good one, boss!

Shut up, Glenn!

Morning, teach! Ready to discuss philosophy.

Obviously, I'm kidding. How was your date with Simone?

-Spill it, sweetheart. -We had a great time.

Thank you, again, for bullying me into asking her out.

Well, I owed it to you.

{\an8}And bonus, I realized I was practicing virtue ethics

{\an8}by helping the two of you bone down.

Okay, not appropriate. Also not a great understanding of virtue ethics.

-We can agree to disagree. -But, if you must know, it was very chaste. We didn't even kiss.

-Because you chickened out? -I did, yeah.

I totally chickened out, and I am so mad at myself.

Well, maybe it wasn't the right moment.

Knowing the two of you nerds, your first kiss is gonna be while reading

-Plato in an MRI machine. -[chuckles]

Oh. Hang on. Come with me.

Simone, what's the one thing Eleanor and I have in common?

You both have a complete disregard for my office hours.

-Sorry, Reginald. -Ah, no worries.

-Look, Eleanor is an Arizona trash bag... -Yep.

-...her words, not mine... -Totally.

...who once told me that her greatest accomplishment was breaking into Charles Barkley's house.

He was on the road. I snuck in through the doggie door, tried on all his giant shoes. One of my top five Christmases.

[stammers] Listen, the point is, Eleanor and I have nothing in common, except that we both almost died and it made us wanna be better people.

This is my thesis idea.

I will explore the effect of near-death experiences on ethical decision-making.

I will get a group of people together who've had near-death experiences, ask them ethical questions, and see if there's any commonalities!

That's great.

Why are you yelling it at me?

Because I need your help. You and your magic brain-scan machine!

Oh! Of course! A joint study with the neuroscience department!

We can use MRI mapping to see if a near-death experience alters brain function.

[Chidi] There's something there, right?

[Simone] Definitely. I love this.

Great. Also, I wanted to kiss you last night, but I chickened out, so I'm gonna kiss you now.

Good. Yes, I want that, please.

Oh. Sorry, Reginald. What were you saying?

Um, that I can't come to class tomorrow 'cause my grandma died?

Oof! Real mood-ruiner.

Read the room, dude.

Bingo.

Okay.

{\an8}Good, you're here. Eleanor, meet the newest member of our ethical neuroscientific study, Tahani Al-Jamil.

Hello, Eleanor. Delighted to meet you.

"Al-Jamil."

Oh, you're Kamilah's sister.

I am, yes.

If you want an autograph or something, I could probably arrange it.

Eh. I was never really that into her. No offense.

[chuckling] Oh, I assure you, there is none taken.

So, how did you come to join our team?

Well, it's a bit of a story, I suppose. It began about a year ago.

[Tahani] Come down! Come down, where you belong!

[screams]

[crowd gasps]

[Tahani] Oh.

Well done, Tahani.

Who saved me?

Did anyone see who just saved my life?

-[woman 1] It was Kamilah. -No, it was a man, I think.

-[woman 2] It was Kamilah! -[man 1] It was Kamilah!

-No! It wasn't Kamilah! -[man 2] It was Kamilah!

It was someone over there.

[crowd chanting] Kamilah! Kamilah! Kamilah!

Kamilah! Kamilah! Kamilah!

[Tahani] I had almost died.

In that very moment, I decided to change my life.

First, I cleansed myself of all the worldly possessions

that had been weighing me down like anchors.

The dresses, the jewels, I gave them all to Good Will.

That's what I call Prince William.

Since he'd married a commoner,

I assumed he'd know some needy people they could go to.

Sure.

[Tahani] Then, I deleted all my celebrity contacts from my mobile.

Goodbye, Bono.

Goodbye, The Edge.

{\an8}Goodbye, The Edge's real phone number that even Bono doesn't have.

{\an8}And most importantly, I put physical distance between me and my old life.

Book me a flight to Tibet. I'm going to live in a Buddhist monastery.

I need to get out of the spotlight.

Copy that. I'll see what jets are available.

No. I'm flying commercial.

-Okay. First class, I assume? -No.

I'm a woman of the people now.

Comfort plus.

And there, in that humble monastery,

thousands of miles from the meaningless concerns of high society,

I embarked upon a quest for enlightenment.

I learned to embrace a life of simplicity.

I meditated.

I worked.

I gave back to Mother Earth.

And I slept.

My soul had never felt so nourished.

Until one day, my former life came knocking at the open space

where a door would have been, if we were given any privacy.

Yo! Is that Tahani Al-Jamil?

Man, it totes is you!

What up? I'm Colby. Squalor News.

What are you doing in this monastery?

We're doing a new show about poverty, drug lords, gun running, weird-ass restaurants, skateboarding and... and also genocide. It's called Society is Effed!

What are you doing here, though?

Is this where you came after your sister saved your life?

[sighs] I am living here as a way to shed my desire for attention.

Tight! That's what's up. You gotta shed that, right?

But listen, if you ever want us to do a monster profile on you and your monk junk, we would be honored AF.

I think people would be supes interested in what you're doing here. For real.

Look, here's my card. Think about it.

[Tahani] Of course, I never called him to do that profile,

because I didn't pursue a life of tranquility to get in front of a camera.

I did it... to get out of the spotlight.

And that's what my book is about, shedding your need for validation from others!

[audience applauding]

{\an8}Publisher says you'll hit two million copies sold by next week.

Your 582 Questions With... video was nominated for a BAFTA.

That's fun.

-Also, they want you for Oprah. -Oprah's off the air.

No, they want you to take over for Oprah.

Also, this investor wants to meet you. I checked him out. He's legit.

[Michael] Tahani.

Gordon Indigo.

I just have to say, you are so inspiring.

Aw. [chuckles] Namaste.

I mean, you really have all these idiots fooled.

Excuse me?

Listen, I'm sure you're already rolling in dough from this incredible scam, but have you thought about merch? Because we could partner here.

I made a fortune selling Nirvana orbs.

Which is to say... driving range golf balls that I painted silver.

-That's awful. -No, it's healing.

Wink. [chuckles]

You should be selling whatever crap you can think of,

'cause these people will buy it.

-That is quite enough! -Hmm?

And how dare you insinuate that I'm not authentic.

-I've finished signing your headshots. -Oh, not now.

Miss Al-Jamil, it's okay. You and I are the same.

I love what you're doing here.

You get to be rich and famous, and not have to do any of the work of helping people.

But I am helping people.

You need to go. Right now!

Suit yourself. All right. If you change your mind, I'm online.

Just google "crystals that prevent erectile dysfunction."

[scoffs]

I'm sorry, but Miss Al-Jamil doesn't have time to participate in an ethical study at some random university.

If you want to meet her, you can sign up for the "Get Out of the Spotlight" cruise, with special guests Deepak Chopra and Will.i.am.

Hello?

This is Tahani Al-Jamil.

[Chidi] Hi, I didn't think I'd actually get you.

My name is Chidi Anagonye, and I'm doing an academic study on near-death experiences and ethical decision-making.

-I read an article about you-- -Will it help people?

That's all I want to know. Will this help people?

Yes, I... I think so.

I mean... that's the goal.

Send me the info. I'll be there tomorrow morning.

[indistinct chatter]

Wow!

But how had you learned about me, I wonder?

A professor I'd never heard of named Charles Brainman sent me an article about you. Said you'd be perfect for our study.

Well, welcome to Australia.

Oh, if you need a place to crash while you get settled, my motel has a pullout sofa.

Although, as I say that, and I look at you and your whole thing,

I realize that's absurd, and you should probably just get your own place.

Yes, I... I think that's, uh... best. [chuckles]

But... but thank you!

Mmm-hmm.

Three down... one to go.

-[water splashes] -'Sup, bud? I've been looking for you.

-Oh, sorry, are these your rocks? -Nah.

Look, my name is Zack Pizazz, international talent scout.

I've been tracking your dance troupe, man.

I think you really got the goods.

I want you to come on down to Australia and start a new crew.

All right? I'll pay for everything.

May have a few other obligations, but, basically--

Uh, thanks, but no thanks, man. I'm done with dancing.

But... Whoa-oh-oh.

You... you heard what my name was, right?

Zack Pizazz?

My life is just kinda messed up right now. I had a really tough year.

-[water splashes] -I'm sorry.

Want to talk about it? I'm a pretty good listener.

Well, my year started about a year ago...

[exhales] Pillboi?

[hysterically] I can't breathe and I'm freaking out and I'm almost out of Whip-Its! Pillboi!

-[in Italian] Buongiorno! Buongiorno. -[knocking on safe door]

[groans]

-Yo, what happened? -[panting] I couldn't breathe!

The snorkel must have been broken.

Yo, that sucks.

You ready to get back in there?

Nah, man.

We're not doing this no more.

I almost died trying to rob a Mexican restaurant.

I have to change my life.

I know what I'm gonna do.

{\an8}I'm gonna win this dance competition!

So, you didn't see any other posters there?

No. Don't think so. Why?

Doesn't matter. Continue.

[Jason] Homies, I almost died yesterday, but we've been given a second chance.

Three months from today, on this very stage, in the Carmen Electra Auditorium, right here at the Smith & Wesson Performing Arts Center and ATV Repair Shop, we are going to win this dance competition.

-[indistinct chatter] -[Jason] "How," you ask?

By working!

We are going to eat, breathe and vape dance.

I want you thinking about dance 24/7.

That means every day, you think 20 thoughts about dance for seven minutes,

-and if you can't promise me... -[indistinct chatter]

...that you'll give this dance crew everything that you've got, then you can walk out that door... right now.

Yeah. Okay, I'm out.

What?

Come on, Donkey Doug, after all we've been through?

Listen, you know you're my boy, but this sounds like a lot of work.

Good luck.

[both] Pew-pew.

Donkey Doug, out!

Damn. That's a tough blow, but now that those guys are no longer members of our crew, we can legally rob their houses!

No, Li'l Peanut, we're gonna do this the right way.

-No more crime. -[sighs]

And if you don't like that, you can walk out that door... right now.

[indistinct chatter]

[Jason] What? Come on!

We still got, like, 35 people, so let's get to work.

[audience applauding]

Quick announcement.

Will the owner of a 1998 Toyota Tercel with golden pythons painted on both sides, license plate "GOT MILF," please see an usher?

Your car has exploded.

All right, y'all ready for the next act?

Please give it up right now for Dance Dance Resolution!

[audience cheering and applauding]

[dubstep music playing]

In the six-year history of this competition, no crew has ever received a perfect score from our judges.

That changed tonight.

But before we get to that,

Dance Dance Resolution has been disqualified.

What? No! Why?

Because you have 40 people on stage. The limit is eight.

Also, one of your members tried to carjack me on my way in here.

No, that was Donkey Doug, and he's not a part of our crew anymore.

We win! We win! We win!

-[all] We win! We win! We win! -No.

Again, you are disqualified.

[woman 1] And the winner is... Panther Blood!

[man] And the winner is... Suck Monsters.

-[woman 2] And the winner is... nobody. -[audience groans]

[woman 2] All teams are disqualified due to violence.

Okay, well, we're out of rent money.

So, remember that thing I said about "no more crime"?

That's over now. Go do crime.

Yeah, he just confessed to the robbery.

-Damn it. -[cop over radio] That was easy.

Look, please let me go.

I only did it to pay rent for my dance crew's rehearsal space.

Oh, then, you're in luck.

We only arrest people for robbery if they don't have a reason.

[Pillboi] Sorry it took me so long to bail you out.

Nah, it was my fault.

I shouldn't have used my one phone call to prank the police department.

Man, a year ago, I almost died, and I'm exactly the same as I was before. A failure.

You're not a failure. You're a dreamer.

Look, I like my job at the old folks home.

Those old biddies are sweet, and sometimes they give me what they think are candy, but are really loose Vicodin.

But when I'm with you, I feel like the sky's the limit.

I feel like someday I'll be able to buy my own Vicodin... and it'll never turn out to actually be laxatives.

Thanks, dog, but if my life ended today, what would my legacy be?

Sure, I did a wheelie on a dirt bike through an entire Waffle House.

And I was once interviewed on the news for finding a foot on the beach.

But, yo, other than that, I have no truly great accomplishments.

Bro, I'm only saying this because I love you.

Do you want a Vicodin right now?

So I walked out of that bar, came down to this wharf, threw a rock at a snake, met a guy named Zack Pizazz, talked to him about my crazy year that I've had, which started when I was locked in a safe.

No, that was me. I'm Zack Pizazz.

-We're caught up now. -Oh, yeah.

[laughs]

A year ago, if you had asked me to run a dance crew in Atlantis...

-Australia. -...I would have said yes for sure.

But now, and I know this sounds crazy, but I'm starting to think there might be more to life than amateur street-dancing competitions.

It's funny, but I know exactly what you mean.

My goal in life used to be completely different, too.

I used to rep this crew called The Demons.

Whoa! I remember you guys!

Didn't you all die when someone brought a hammerhead shark into your hot tub?

Different Demons. The point is, I had to leave my old crew behind, you know?

But I met new friends who helped me become a better person.

Look, I know this group of people who are also searching for meaning.

They might be able to help you find what you're looking for.

What do you think? You wanna meet 'em?

Yeah, that sounds great.

Do we have to leave right now?

My friend gave me a pill that I realized one second ago was definitely a laxative.

No, go, go!

Well, that is the last time I'll need to head back down there.

So to thank you for your help, I brought you back something from Earth.

A little token of my appreciation.

It keeps your antimatter warmer for longer.

-It's a frog. -Yeah.

-There's a frog on it. -Yeah. [chuckles]

Right there, it's a frog! Man, it's green. It's classic.

This guy's a jumper, you can tell. Thank you!

You're welcome.

Wow, that really went over big.

-How's Jason? Is he still cute? -He looks about the same.

That sounds cute!

-[chuckles] -Hey, guys.

-Oh. Hey, Judge. -[Janet] Hey!

-Long time no see. -[laughing]

-[Michael] Yeah. -How's it going?

So good. I mean, everything is going according to plan, and nothing is going differently from the plan.

Yes, that's a very not-weird way to put it.

Well, I'm just stretching my legs.

-Just binged 300 episodes of NCIS. -Oof!

You know, I'm not a human woman, but that Mark Harmon can get it.

-Oh. -You know what I'm saying?

-[Michael and Janet chuckle] -Speaking of human cutie pies, how's that Chidi doing?

Oh, sorry, Judge, let me just...

Oh, hey! You know what you would love

-if you like Mark Harmon? -Uh-huh?

Stealing Home. He is very sexy in Stealing Home, according to the private thoughts of more than seven million Caucasian women.

Oh. Hot tip.

-Thanks, y'all. You guys wanna come with? -[chuckles]

-[Michael and Janet] Ooh. -We can watch together.

I can whip up some nachos.

I am incapable of eating, so...

-Suit yourselves, party poopers! -[Michael and Janet] Ah.

-[Michael] Party poopers! -[both laughing]

I guess it'll just be me and Mark then.

-[both laughing] -Naughty, naughty!

[inhales] Oh, boy! Michael, we almost just got busted.

Yeah, but we didn't.

And more importantly, Jason just arrived in Australia.

The four of them are finally together.

Oh, we did it, Janet! We got away with it.

-[sighs] -Hmm.

So, this is our MRI machine. Ooh, don't touch that.

Um, each of you will get a chance in here eventually.

Hopefully, none of you is claustrophobic.

{\an8}Claustrophobic? Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus?

{\an8}Oh! The Jewish!

{\an8}You from Florida?

{\an8}-Jacksonville. -Yeah.

{\an8}[Tahani] That should be fine for me.

{\an8}It's roughly the same size

{\an8}as Nicole Kidman's cryogenic anti-aging chamber,

{\an8}and I've never had a problem in there.

{\an8}[Eleanor] I'll be okay, too.

{\an8}It kinda reminds me of the home-tanning booth I lost my virginity in.

{\an8}Wow. I cannot wait to take a look at these three brains.

{\an8}Oh. Forgot to mention.

{\an8}There's one more person who will be joining us.

{\an8}Seems like a really interesting guy.

{\an8}He was almost run over by a train a few months ago, heard about the study, emailed me last night.

This doesn't make any sense.

They're all there. What's going on?

Oh, no.

What is it?

Something bad, Janet. Something very dark and evil.

Oh, yes. Come on in. Everyone, this is Trevor.

Hey, guys! It is so great to meet you.