Home > The Good Place

Jeremy Bearimy

What the hell is that?

Oh! Hey, guys. What are you doing down here?

Well, we came to get more champagne, which is right behind the magic door.

What door?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on?

Who are you and why were you talking about us?

And what's the Good Place and what are afterlife points?

And who has the most, and is it me?

Wait a second, I know this guy. You're Zack Pizazz.

He got me here from Jacksonville.

No, this is the librarian from the university.

Well, I know him as Gordon Indigo, a very rude Silicon Valley investor.

[chuckles nervously] All right, guys, I can explain everything.

Just give me one second, okay?

How do we get out of this?

Well, they heard us explaining the entire system of the afterlife, and they saw an interdimensional door open and close, so not a ton of wiggle room here.

But you're forgetting one crucial piece of information.

Right? I mean, you're forgetting one crucial piece of information that'll save us?

Yo, buddy. You have like three seconds to explain this crazy space door, or Chidi here is gonna beat you up.

-Oh, no. I'm not. -Yes.

But I would like to know about the space door.

All right. I don't know what choice we have.

I'll tell you the truth.

My name is Special Agent Rick Justice and this is Lisa "Frenchy" Fuqua.

We're with the FBI, and all of you are in grave danger.

I knew it.

{\an8}Agent Fuqua and I are paranormal investigators.

{\an8}We're here to protect you from...

{\an8}demons.

{\an8}No, wait, that's real.

{\an8}Ghouls... Ghouls. We're here to protect you from ghouls.

{\an8}Now, I had to appear in different disguises to keep tabs on you,

{\an8}but you are all involved together in this FBI case.

{\an8}-[scoffs] -No, we can prove this.

{\an8}We have detailed files on all of you. Ask Janet anything.

{\an8}-Who's Janet? -Frenchy.

{\an8}-Frenchy. -Sorry.

{\an8}Frenchy's nickname is Janet.

{\an8}I thought her nickname was Frenchy.

{\an8}It is.

{\an8}That's why they call her Lisa "Double Nickname" Fuqua.

{\an8}Okay, guys, I used to work at a place

{\an8}that was raided by the FBI pretty frequently.

{\an8}I know a fed when I see one. And these two jamokes are not FBI. Okay?

{\an8}Who are you? Really.

{\an8}All right, all right. Fine. Just give me one more second.

{\an8}-One. -Serious question?

{\an8}-Yep? -Should we kill them?

{\an8}-What? -It might work.

{\an8}We kill them, go back through the door,

{\an8}somehow grab them before they get to the Bad Place and regroup from there.

{\an8}I could kill them right now. And, you know, it would be easy.

Their bodies are very poorly made. They're mostly goo and juice.

You just take the juice out and then they're dead.

Michael, they've seen through the door into the afterlife, and they heard how it works.

[sighs] It's over.

Ah.

Fine.

I guess I'll start at the beginning.

You all died.

Well, this sucks.

So, to sum up. There is a heaven and hell.

We've been to hell, and now, no matter how good we are for the rest of our lives, we're going back to hell.

Again, it's not the classic Christian hell, but that's the gist, yes.

As soon as you learned about the afterlife, your motivation to be good was corrupted, so you can't earn points anymore.

So sorry for eternally dooming you.

And that's our bad, guys.

So, all the attempts you made to torture us, we must have been in the afterlife for 100 years.

Almost 300, actually.

How is it possible that all these things happened to us, but no time passed on Earth? Did you go back in time to save us?

Ah, I didn't have to because of Jeremy Bearimy.

Who's Jeremy Bearimy?

Okay, things in the afterlife don't happen while things are happening here because while time on Earth moves in a straight line...

One thing happens, then the next, then the next.

Time in the afterlife moves in a Jeremy Bearimy.

What?

[Michael] In the afterlife, time doubles back and loops around and ends up looking something like...

{\an8}Jeremy Bearimy.

{\an8}This is the timeline in the afterlife.

Happens to kinda look like the name Jeremy Bearimy in cursive English, so that's what we call it.

Sorry, I'm... My brain is melting.

How can events happen before the ones that happened... before?

Just the way it works.

It's Jeremy Bearimy.

I don't know what to tell you. That's the easiest way to describe it.

Okay, but... what the hell is this?

The dot over the "I." The hell is that?

Okay. How do I explain this concisely?

This is Tuesdays... and also July.

-And sometimes it's never. -[Michael] That's true.

{\an8}Occasionally, that moment on the Bearimy timeline

{\an8}is the time-moment when nothing never occurs.

So... you get it.

This broke me. The dot over the "I." That broke me. I'm...

I'm done.

You know what? I'm glad this whole thing happened.

Because now I can go back to living my life the way I used to:

Only caring about myself because being good is pointless.

No, no. Please, Eleanor--

No, thank you. I'm outtie. See ya in hell. [gasps]

You know, I just realized, I always say that when leaving a room, but right now, it's accurate.

I will literally see all of you in hell!

Not if I see you first!

[Tahani] Let's go, Jason.

No, no, look, look. You guys, this is not over.

We have to stay together. Look, we'll figure something out.

Like, this one idea I had, I could kill all of you.

That's my birthday.

Hey, buddy, it's my birthday.

One free margarita, please.

Well, happy birthday! Can I just see some ID?

-No. -[chuckles] Why not?

Well, because it's not really my birthday. I just want a free margarita.

Well, if I just randomly gave you a free drink,

I'd have to do it for everyone. Pretty soon, I'd go out of business.

[chuckles] Then don't do it for everyone.

Just do it for me. Because it's my birthday!

Happy birthday.

Jason, I have an idea, but it's a little risky.

I need you to act as my bodyguard.

Like my friend Kevin Costner in that movie where he was a bodyguard.

The Bodyguard.

No problem. My cousin once hired me to do crowd control for his off-brand Sea World.

Well, technically, it was just a bunch of kiddie pools full of jellyfish.

And instead of a killer whale, they killed a whale.

Excuse me, miss. We'd like to buy one opera, please.

Uh, what he means is I would like to give $2 million to the Sydney Opera.

Miss Al-Jamil, this is so generous. With a donation of that size, we will dedicate a rehearsal hall in your honor.

Thank you, but no.

Lovely as it sounds to add to my collection of wings and atria, the gift will be anonymous.

As you wish. I'll draw up the papers.

Why don't you want your name on the opera house?

I love getting my name on stuff.

In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me

'cause I kissed a bat on a dare.

Well, I was thinking about why I was sent to hell, as one is wont to do when one has recently been told that one had been sent to hell.

And it occurred to me.

I have always been held captive by my desire for attention.

Now that I know how it all ends,

I just want to be virtuous for virtue's sake.

[Jason] That's beautiful.

I gotta say though, if you want to do more charity,

I know a way that could be a lot of fun.

Hey. Do you wanna talk to God?

"God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him.

Who will wipe this blood off us?

What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?"

Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.

I was just trying to sell you some drugs and you made it weird.

[sprinklers spraying]

I've never written a manifesto before. What are you gonna say?

It'll be a complete account of everything we've learned, from the beginning of my neighborhood to right now.

And then a recommendation of how we feel the afterlife could be improved.

And we turn ourselves in, we'll give it to the Judge.

Hopefully she'll read it.

We failed, Janet, but maybe one day, someone else will succeed.

Okay, so...

A... man... i... fes... to.

By...

Mi...

Where's the "H"? This keyboard doesn't have an "H."

-Well-- -Wait, wait. I see it. I see it.

[chuckles] Oh!

-No, no. Look what I did! -Yeah.

[Michael] I wrote "Micahel." That's...

Okay, back, back, back, back, back.

Maybe you should dictate and I should type.

Good call.

Just laying out some early details. Go ahead and start dictating.

Look, there have to be rules. Every place has rules.

Ugh! Fine. Here are my rules.

Rule number one: I get to do whatever I want, and you all just have to deal with it.

Rule two: No more Spider-Man movies.

There's way too many Spider-Man movies. Too many dorky, little, twerpy Spider-men.

[slurps]

Rule three: Everyone, leave me alone.

So you just take care of yourself, you don't owe anything to anyone else?

If people lived that way, society would break down.

Yeah. In America, everyone does whatever they want.

Society did break down. It's terrible and it's great!

You only look out for number one, scream at whoever disagrees with you, there are no bees because they all died, and if you need surgery, you just beg for money on the Internet.

It's a perfect system!

Now, get me another drink. Tomorrow's my birthday.

Well, well, well, a wallet.

My rules say I get to take the cash out and keep it, because in my society, I do whatever I want 'cause I'm awesome.

Just take it. Take it, Eleanor. Just...

[grunts]

All right, this is the address on the license.

-That'll be 58 bucks. -Keep the meter running.

As soon as I'm done here, I'm gonna head to the airport, get the hell out of this trash country where everyone is either a criminal or a spider.

Hello, ma'am. Is there a Fred Booth here? I found his wallet, and now I'm doing a nice thing and returning it because I suck.

Sorry, he moved. I can give you his new address if you'd like.

Actually, I have some of his mail.

If you're gonna go see him, could you bring it along?

Of course. I would love to bring some rando his mail.

Anything else you want me to schlep over?

Well, this awesome day gets awesomer.

Before the airport, we're heading to 78 Palmer Street.

Ha! That's right next to the bar I picked you up.

I feel like a bloody boomerang. [chuckling]

Of course you do! [laughs sarcastically]

-Uh... -Hello.

Sir, you can't shop here without a shirt.

Oh!

So, that'll be $880.

Here's my credit card.

Why don't you just charge it and keep it forever?

And also, here's the keys to my car.

Wait, do you guys have, like, a "take a car, leave a car" tray?

No? You know, just take it. Just take it.

Excuse me, sir. Would you like some free money?

Now you can buy fingers for your gloves.

Hello, madam. Are you poor?

Here's $5,000 for a new stroller. Have a nice day.

You don't have to say the "are you poor" part.

Right.

Hello. Here's some money.

-Here you go. -Hello.

Here you go. Now you can buy a bigger chin guitar.

-This was a truly great plan. -[Jason] Aww, thanks.

Man, there's so many times that just this amount of money would've changed my life.

I could've paid my rent. I could've gone to a real doctor instead of pretending I was a big dog, so I could go to the vet.

You know, that gives me an idea, which I suppose, one could argue, means that anything could've given me an idea.

Come with me.

I'm sorry, Miss Al-Jamil, but I just don't feel comfortable processing this request.

Why not?

Well, it just seems a bit odd to transfer the totality of your account,

131 million British pounds, to the account of this person, a man who is so flagrantly ignoring the "one lollipop per customer" rule.

No. I walked out and back in each time, so I'm different customers.

We're technically supposed to shut down the bank if anyone from Florida even walks in.

Look, all my life, this money has been a weight around my neck.

Like the Heart of the Ocean necklace my friend James Cameron once gave me.

I don't want the money. My friend Jason does.

I would like to give it to him.

If it's easier, you can just put it on a GameStop gift card.

That does not make it easier. I can't help you. I'm sorry.

-Good day. -[Eleanor] Fred?

My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. I have all your crap.

[Fred] Thank you.

[Eleanor] And your wallet.

Oh, my goodness! Thank you so much.

It was nothing.

Dude, I didn't take your money. I would never even think of doing that.

No, no, no. I'm not worried about that.

Ah! Here it is.

{\an8}I started a new job a few months ago and I got really nervous, so my daughter Carolyn drew this for me to make me feel better.

It's my good luck charm.

Every time I'm stressed at work now, I just have to look at this, and I feel safe.

Look, a lot of people wouldn't have tried so hard to get this to me.

You are a good person, Eleanor.

I really hope my daughter turns out like you when she grows up.

-You all right? -No, you shut up!

Sorry. It's been a weird day.

[Chidi] ♪ You put the Peeps In the chili pot ♪

♪ And eat them both up ♪

♪ You put the Peeps in the chili pot And add the M&M's ♪

♪ You put the Peeps in the chili pot It makes it taste... bad ♪

[clears throat] I'm gonna eat all this chili and/or die trying.

Anyone want any? I'm just gonna put it right down here.

Come on. Dip your paws in my chili.

Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.

Professor, I can see that you're going through something, but exams are next week. So, can you teach us anything?

All right, nerd.

You want to learn something? I'll teach you something.

I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life.

How do you like them apples?

Now, over the last 2,500 years,

Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life.

Now, first off, there's "virtue ethics."

Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues of mind and character, like courage or generosity,

and you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues.

The gift will be anonymous.

Next, there's consequentialism.

The basis for judgment about whether something is right or wrong stems from the consequences of that action.

How much utility or good did it accomplish

versus how much pain or bad.

And finally, there's deontology.

The school of thought that there are strict rules and duties

that everyone must adhere to in a functioning society.

Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties

and following those rules.

But here's the thing, my little chili babies, all three of those theories are hot, stinky cat dookie.

The true meaning of life, the actual ethical system that you should all follow is nihilism.

The world is empty.

There is no point to anything and you're just gonna die.

So, do whatever!

And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence, and you all can jump up your own butts.

Is that gonna be on the test?

Yes. And no.

And you all get A's or F's.

And there is no test, and you all failed it.

And you all got A's. Who cares?

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Cool lecture.

And cooler shirt. You feeling all right?

-Feel fine. -[Eleanor] Hmm.

I do have a stomachache. Why do I always have a stomachache?

Well, you just ate 50 pounds of chili, bro. This one's on you.

Look, I know the future seems bleak, but I have a plan.

Come with me.

Nah-uh-uh, leave that chili, weirdo.

A complete account of every single thing we've done and learned.

I added all the data we've gathered here on Earth in chart and graph form.

And I added a pretty tasty little recipe for cinnamon rolls made out of pizza dough.

-[chuckles] -[Michael] Ha!

Maybe someone, some day, can learn from our mistakes and enact real change in the process of judging people.

But for now, Janet, old friend, we are going to enjoy our time on Earth before we're retired.

-[Janet] Hmm. -[Michael] So, let's get started.

I know it's touristy, but I'd really like to visit a LensCrafters.

[Janet] Ooh! And I'd like to get bangs.

Hey, guys. It's really nice to see you.

Um, is everything okay? I mean, other than, you know, everything?

We've started to accept our fates. It's all chili under the bridge.

Good, you're all here. Big news, everyone.

-We got married! -We got tacos!

Yeah, yeah, we got married. And then after we got married, we got tacos!

-Wow! Wow, that's crazy! -[Michael speaking indistinctly]

Well, it's strictly platonic, of course.

We only did it so I could legally give Jason half my money.

We just popped over to the British Embassy and signed the papers.

That's insane, but it's also, like, the 11th most insane thing to happen today, so who cares?

I need everyone to focus up.

So, the four of us...

The six of us, really, are doomed. Our fates are sealed.

But I think we have one move left: we can try.

Try what?

Try to do good.

That stupid little voice in my head told me to do something good today, and it was so annoying, but it also made a dork and his very untalented daughter super happy.

Me trying, just a little bit, put some good out into the world.

The six of us are not getting into the Good Place, but there are still people in this world that we care about.

So I say, we try and help them be good people, try and help them get in. I mean, why not try?

It's better than not trying, right?

That's a lovely sentiment, Eleanor. Let's try. I'm in.

{\an8}I'm in, too.

{\an8}I'm gonna remember this day forever because of your dope speech.

{\an8}And also because of the great tacos I had, and also because I got married,

{\an8}and I found out I was going to hell, and also I became a hundred-millionaire.

{\an8}All right, we get it. We get it.

{\an8}It goes without saying that we're in. Let's say it anyway.

{\an8}-Okay. We're in. -We're in. We're in.

{\an8}All right, you go.

{\an8}-We're in. -We're in. [chuckles]

{\an8}-We're just so excited! -We're in!

{\an8}What do you say, bud?

{\an8}You wanna join the Soul Squad? Try to save some souls?

{\an8}-Yeah, I'm in. -[sighs]

{\an8}But first, I have to go to the bathroom forever.

There you are, my love.

I was just on my way to the MRI lab, thought I heard your voice.

Ready to go to the airport, start our lives together?

Go ahead, Tahani. We're rolling.