Home > The Good Place

The Ballad of Donkey Doug

Okay, okay, okay. Let's do sophomore year of high school.

-Uh, Nathan Burlingame. -Didn't like you.

Huh. Kylie Mansard?

Thought you were cool but intimidating.

No way! I thought she was intimidating. That's why I shoved her into that creek.

Well, after my chili episode, I asked the administration for a one-year sabbatical, and good news... they fired me.

So, I am free and easy!

Well, the rest of the Soul Squad is off helping Jason's dad.

Who are we saving?

No one from my high school. I will tell you that much.

Well, before we do anything, I have to break things off with Simone.

If I slip up and tell her about the universe, it could doom her for eternity.

And I've avoided talking to her for so long, she assumed I had laryngitis and it went too far.

Now, I'm on antibiotics.

Okay, settle down. Your moral code means you can't lie, right?

You need to just ghost her. Disappear, block her number.

Bonus, anything she left in your apartment now legally belongs to you.

I've done that to dozens of people, and all of them got over it.

Actually, none of your exes have ever gotten over you.

You're damn right they didn't.

I just wish I could end things in a way that I knew wouldn't hurt her.

[Janet] Bing!

I usually appear out of thin air and there would be a pleasant "bing" sound, but I don't have my powers, so I'm doing my own bings now.

Bing!

Chidi, what if I could create a virtual reality simulation where you could practice different breakup scenarios?

-You can do that? -I think so.

I do know everything about you, and Simone, and computer programming, and virtual reality, and artificial intelligence, and the human brain, and everything else! I'm kind of a nerd.

I'll start building the simulator now. Bing!

[chuckles softly]

Don't... Turn around. It's embarrassing.

Bing!

[Jason] Jacksonville! What up?

-Duval! -[Floridians] Duval!

{\an8}Poor Larry.

{\an8}But, "If you love someone, set them free."

{\an8}A good friend and yoga pupil, Sting, no last initial, told me that. [chuckles]

{\an8}[Jason] I can't wait to show you guys all the cool sights in Jacksonville.

{\an8}Like, that swamp is where me, Pillboi and Donkey Doug

{\an8}used to stand and try and blind pilots with laser pointers.

{\an8}Yeah, maybe we should do the tour after we,

{\an8}you know, save your father's soul.

{\an8}Oh, I've been meaning to ask: why are you trying to save your father?

{\an8}I've heard you mention your friend Pillboi many times,

{\an8}but you've not mentioned your father once.

{\an8}What do you mean? I talk about Donkey Doug all the time.

{\an8}I'm sorry, the man you call "Donkey Doug" is your father?

{\an8}Yeah!

{\an8}The Donkey Doug with whom you tried to blind airline pilots with laser pointers?

{\an8}Yeah!

{\an8}The Donkey Doug who's banned from Disney World for biting Buzz Lightyear?

In his defense, he thought it was someone else.

Who?

So, Michael and I have a plan to save my dad.

My whole life, Donkey Doug was always getting in trouble because of some get-rich-quick scheme.

He sold counterfeit Truck Nutz.

He created a sport that was a cross between dodgeball and horseshoes and everybody died.

-He glued-- -This should be easy.

We have plenty of money.

If we just give him money, he'll blow it. He's gotta feel like he did it himself.

A few years ago, Donkey Doug was very close to getting his electrician's license.

So, if we get him to finish the training, he can earn an honest living and be on his way to getting more Good Place points, which is why we're all here.

Okay, let's go save my dad.

-Taxi! -[porter blows whistle]

[laughs]

-[porter] Do you need help with your bags? -[Jason] No, I got it.

[knock on door]

-Oh, dip, Jason! -Ah, dip, Donkey Doug!

You call him "Donkey Doug" in person?

Me and Jason are cool like that.

I don't think of him as my son. I think of him as my boy!

I mean, I am your boy.

Yeah, but it's more like, "That's my son right there, son."

But not, like "son-son," but like "my boy." But not, like--

Yes, yes, we get it. Thank you.

Oh, this is my friend, Michael.

Oh, crap, you look like a cop. Are you a cop?

Because if you are, you have to tell me, and you're not allowed to arrest me for anything you saw before I knew you were a cop.

-I'm not a police officer. -Yeah. Michael's cool.

And this is Tahani, who is my wife, I guess.

Dang, nice pull, son!

How about you and me go check out my Jacuzzi and put stuff in each other?

Again, I'm his wife.

Wow. That's the first time that line has ever failed.

You must really love him.

Welcome to the family! Come on in!

This program knows everything about your personality, Simone's personality and all human relationships.

It can't tell you exactly what will happen, but it will approximate Simone's reaction to anything you say to her.

Plus, it has Tetris! [laughs]

Hmm. Would this work with, say, me, and, say, Jason Statham, and, uh, instead of a cafe, it was, say, a room with a futon and a bunch of Red Bull?

Why is it that every time a new thing is invented, humans immediately try to use it for porn?

-Because we're disgusting. -Huh.

Eleanor and I will be watching on the monitor. We'll see what you see.

Put these in your ears. They'll play a tone that will trick your brain into seeing what I've programmed.

[shrill tone over earphones]

[screams]

Wow. Uh, so, this is... I'm here.

Hey, babe!

What do you want to talk about?

[Janet] Go ahead, Chidi.

-Practice what you want to say to her. -Right. Um...

Simone, this has been the best year of my life, because of you.

Unfortunately, I have come to learn some information, and it means that we have to end this relationship.

-What information? -I... can't say.

-Why not? -Uh, I... I... can't say.

Well, you've either gone crazy or you're too much of a coward to tell me how you feel. Which is it?

I... I... can't, because of...

-[sighs] Janet! -Who's Janet?

Why are you screaming her name into the sky?

You know what? Whatever. Goodbye, Chidi.

[Chidi] No, no, wait...

-[groans] So, that didn't go great. -I disagree. I thought it was hilarious.

[Michael] So, Donkey Doug,

Jason told us about your electrician license, and we have a career opportunity for you.

[laughs] Yo, later for that. I got a business proposition for you.

Pillboi!

-Oh, dip, Jason. -Oh, dip, Pillboi.

-Oh, dip, Pillboi. -Oh, dip, Donkey Doug.

-[Donkey Doug] Oh, dip, Jason. -This is remarkable.

-It explains so much. -Jason, I thought you were dead.

I was alive. I was in Australia. I talked to you on the phone last week.

-Yeah, but I forgot. -Oh.

Me and Pillboi have been cooking up something real special.

And this time, it's not fake meth.

All right, Pillboi, tell 'em about our new product.

Sharks, how much do you spend on energy drinks and body spray in one week?

Three hundred dollars? Ten hundred dollars?

What if I told you there was a product that combined these two things for one solution to all of life's problems and more?

I give to you Double Trouble. The world's first energy drink/body spray.

So, uh, do you spray it on yourself or do you drink it?

You both it!

This is the one, Jason. We're gonna be so rich!

I'll finally be able to pay to have my calf implants moved back up from my feet.

This is gonna be a lot tougher than we thought.

Tell me about it. Double Trouble sounds amazing.

We should bid fast. The other sharks will want in.

So, I just have to be simple, honest and declarative, and somehow, still protect her feelings.

I don't know, man.

Maybe just tell her that you're gay.

-I'm not gay. -Fine, bi.

-I'm not bi either. -Why not? More guys should be bi.

It's 2018. It's like, get over yourselves.

Is there any way I can try a bunch of different things in a row to see what works?

Bing! Sure. If you want to reset, just snap your fingers.

Also, I made some modifications to the tone,

-so it should make your transition easier. -Oh.

[jazz music playing over earphones]

[Simone] Hey, babe.

-[jazz music continues] -What did you want to talk about?

-Well, I don't love you anymore. -What?

No, no, no, you don't understand.

I don't technically love you, in the same way, because of circumstances.

-What? -Hang on.

[sighs] I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm dying.

-No, you're not. -Yes, I am.

Because we're all dying, slowly, when you think about it.

We start dying the moment we're born, so, not a lie.

Okay. Here it is. I'm just going to be perfectly honest.

My real name is Special Agent Rick Justice, FBI.

Nope! [sighs]

Simone, the last year has been truly amazing.

And with that in mind...

-[Simone sighs] -Will you marry me?

-Yes! Yes, of course I will! Oh! -[diners applauding]

[Simone laughs]

Wait, what am I doing? Why did I think this would work?

[Janet] I'm gonna go ahead and reboot this one myself.

Yeah, good call.

So, Simone...

Wait, before you say anything, I think we should break up.

-You do? -Yes.

I love and respect you very much, but we're heading in different directions.

And don't worry, we don't have to make a big thing of it.

Oh, my God. Okay. This is the one.

Remember everything. Right leg crossed over left, coffee's right there.

Oh, one more thing. Suck it, ya doink!

-Sorry? -[chuckles]

This is Eleanor, you idiot!

Janet let me mess with the simulator to screw with you!

-Janet! Come on! -Hi, Chidi, this is Janet now.

-Sorry, it won't happen again. -Thank you.

[laughing] Psych! It's still Eleanor.

I can't believe you fell for that, ya doink.

We need to break up, but here's a puppy!

Aw! Wait, what?

He's a puppy, it's over between us, and he's cute!

Do you think I don't hear the bad parts of these sentences?

His name is Martin, I need my keys back and he's a puppy!

You are very bad at this.

Well, that's because I don't actually want to break up with her!

What, do you need me to break up with her for you, like we're in middle school or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, please do that for me.

-Please. -Fine.

[jazz music playing over earphones]

-[Simone] Hey, Eleanor! -Hey.

What did you want to talk about?

Well, first of all, you and Chidi are so great together.

He really loves you and I can see why.

You're brilliant, charming, obviously gorgeous...

Aw! You're sweet to say that.

-...and your accent is so cute! -Your accent is so cute!

-What? I don't think I have an accent. -"I don't think I have an accent!"

Stop it!

[both laughing]

What... is happening?

[Chidi] Nope! No! This is over.

Whoa! Man, come on! It was just getting good.

[Michael] Let's remember the mission.

Your father needs to focus on long-term stability.

Also, and perhaps this is less important,

-but there's an awful lot of dog hair... -[microwave timer dings]

...on the furniture, and I have not seen a dog.

Not bad, right? Double Trouble comes in three delicious smell-flavors.

Raspberry-Perspirant, Cedarwood Melon Blast and 24-Hour Lemon Musk Xtreme.

That one is also a lube.

Look, Donkey Doug, Double Trouble is dope. On that much, we can all agree on.

But you gotta think long-term. You were good at electricity stuff.

You hooked us up with free porno channels ever since the third grade.

-It's good, honest work. -"Honest work"? Whatever, Dad.

You're his dad.

This is huge, J. When Double Trouble pops off,

I'll be able to quit my job at the old folks' home.

Buy a big-ass mansion. Every day I'd wake up, get out of bed, brush my teeth, rinse, go downstairs, open the fridge,

"Damn, we outta milk," get in my car--

You don't have to run through the whole imaginary day.

Jason, I believe in Double Trouble. Why won't you believe in me?

[Michael mouths] Oh, boy...

Well, I suppose a little entrepreneurial spirit never hurt anyone.

You know, "Reach for the stars," as I said to my good friend Elon Musk.

And then he shot his car into space.

What a weird creep. Why was I friends with him?

Maybe this is what'll put your father on the right path.

And, hey, it's not like he's robbing a bank.

Yeah. It's a factory!

Excuse me?

Tonight, we're gonna steal some energy drinks from an energy drink factory, and steal some cologne from a cologne factory.

So, it's actually two factories.

[Donkey Doug] Then we just gotta bottle it all up!

Aw, dip, we gotta rob a bottle factory. Three factories.

Three factories!

[Jason] Stupid Donkey Doug.

I mean, two factories I can understand, but three?

You might want to consider the possibility that your father's a lost cause.

I have an idea, but I need your help. Will you guys help me?

I mean, yeah, that's... that's why we're here, Jason.

-What's your idea, darling? -We're gonna save Pillboi.

[Chidi] Okay, real life. I think I'm ready.

I've analyzed the ten most successful scenarios and compiled the statistically most effective breakup strategy.

Who said you weren't a romantic?

Every girlfriend I've ever had.

Oh! There she is. Okay, wish me luck.

[exhales]

Oh, hi. Uh...

Something wrong?

Uh, no. It's just that we're usually over there.

Doesn't matter.

Okay, so I've spent a lot of time thinking about everything that's happened in the last year--

Hi, there. What can I get you to drink?

-Uh, I'll have an iced tea, please. -Water, thanks.

Um, it's been a time of massive personal and professional growth--

-Sorry, sugar with that iced tea? -Yes, please.

Um, all in all, it's been overwhelmingly positive, and I think that's due in large part to you.

Sorry, real quick, I'm gonna go on break, so Helmut will be taking care of you.

Hello! Will you be eating with us today?

Just please give us one second!

Ja, okay.

One! That was one second. [laughs] That was joke!

-Please get out of here, Helmut! -Okay, ja!

All right, look, just, um... we need to break up!

-I am breaking up with you! -Why?

[stammers] I can't... It's complicated, but it's happening.

Ya dumped!

-Okay. -Wait, wait, no. Come back, please!

-Ja, okay, I'm back! -Not you, Helmut!

Hey, now, listen, Judy.

You can't mix Xannies with these lil' pink fools.

You'll be tripping balls like Clarence was when he crawled into the ice machine.

-[laughs] -Here, take half of one of these, wash it down with a 5-Hour Energy, and you'll be golden.

Body high with mild visuals.

[laughs] Thanks, Pillboi.

Yo, I gotta take off 'cause I gotta go do a robbery.

I mean, I'm sick.

Hello, Pillboi. I'm here on behalf of Jason.

You won't be attending the job with Donkey Doug today.

There's been a change of plans.

Okay.

That's it? You don't need any more information?

-I mean, do you want to tell me? -Not really.

Cool.

Want some pills?

[Chidi] I hate this. What if I ruined her?

What if I sent her down the wrong path and she ends up in the Bad Place?

I have to undo what I did. Janet, fire up the simulator.

Dude, no more simulations. Just talk to her.

Breakups never end with both people feeling great.

But she's a badass, and her world is bigger than your relationship.

She'll recover. Just go, be a person.

Right. Here I go.

Janet, can I use the simulator?

There's a very specific Lenny Kravitz concert I want to be front row at.

Sure! FYI, when the system boots up, you might find yourself in a steam room with Jason, who will be wearing an old-timey strongman onesie.

It's a bug in the system.

[Donkey Doug] Pillboi?

No, it's me. Pillboi's friend Jason. Pillboi's not coming.

If you're here to tell me an energy drink body spray is a bad idea,

I've heard it before.

From a bank and some doctors.

I'mma help you make Double Trouble, but you gotta leave Pillboi alone from now on.

I'm trying to save him.

Oh, dip. You got religious and shizz? Amen.

Amen.

Okay, hurry up and get this crap in my truck.

[police siren wails]

[police officer] Jacksonville Police. Come out with your hands up!

Are you a cop? Because if you are, you have to tell us!

[police officer] Yes. This is the police.

[Donkey Doug] Yup, I knew it. It's the cops.

What do we do? Yo, let's get out of here.

No.

I know I haven't been the best father in the world.

I might not have even been in the top five.

I want to make up for that. I'll distract them, you run out the back.

No, that's crazy.

It's what my dad did for me. And his dad, for him.

And some day, you'll do this exact thing for your son.

I mean, I hope not. But thanks, Donkey Doug.

Hey...

-Call me "Donkey Dad." -Okay, Donkey Dad.

Nah, that sounds wack. Call me Donkey Doug.

Cool.

[Donkey Doug] Bortles!

Uh...

[sighs] Here's the truth. You're amazing. And my feelings have changed.

I wish I could tell you why. I really, really do.

But... I can't.

Well, you seem to know what you want, which is rare for you.

[stammers] I hope you keep the study going.

It might help a lot of people.

[sighs] Well, see you in the next life.

Why would you say that? What do you know?

It's a figure of speech.

You're so weird, man. I think maybe this is for the best.

So, your covert mission is to continue to report to this job until you receive our signal.

Now, this is the most important thing... you cannot commit any more crimes, and you must help these people as much as you can.

-The mission depends on it. -[Pillboi] Roger that.

Man, I can't believe this whole time you guys were with NASA.

Yes, we are secret astronaut spies. That is indeed what Jason told you.

Take good care of these old fools and stay out of trouble.

I love you, bro. [sniffles]

I love you, bro.

[both sobbing]

-Psych! -I got you, bro.

I got you, bro.

-Jag... -...uars...

-...rule. -...rule.

[both continue crying]

{\an8}Well, my sister's museum exhibit opens tomorrow.

{\an8}Are you all ready for some Al-Jamil family reconciliation?

{\an8}You know it, wifey! Soul Squad is on a roll.

{\an8}I pretty much nailed that Pillboi thing.

{\an8}And I got closure with my dad, Donkey Doug.

{\an8}That remains depressing. But I'm happy for you, bud.

{\an8}I never got to do that with my parents,

{\an8}and now they're both dead, so it's impossible.

{\an8}So, the thing is, one of your parents

{\an8}is not technically actually dead.

{\an8}What are you talking about?

{\an8}Your mother's alive. She faked her own death.

I'm sorry, Tahani.

I don't think I'll be able to stay with you here in Budapest.

Turns out my mom isn't dead, so I need to fly back to America to murder her.