Home > The Good Place

Don't Let the Good Life Pass You By

[alarm sounding]

[sighs]

[music starts playing]

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Did you ever lie And listen to the rainfall? ♪

♪ Did you ever own a homemade apple pie? ♪

{\an8}♪ Did you ever watch a child While he was praying? ♪

♪ Just don't let the good life Pass you by ♪

♪ Did you ever hold a hand To stop its... ♪

[music stops]

-Hello. -[man] Hello.

Hope we have the right house.

I'm looking for a Doug Forcett.

Well, I'm Doug Forcett.

[Michael] Wow.

Oh, yes. [chuckles] Yes, you are.

Sorry. Um, I'm a reporter for the Calgary Times Examiner.

-My name is, uh, Michael Scoop. -[Doug] Mmm-hmm.

This is my photographer, Janet Scoop.

-She's my sister. We're the Scoops. -Oh, boy.

Some people in town are saying you live a pretty interesting life out here.

Growing your own food, completely off the grid.

[Doug] Mmm.

We would love to do a human interest story about you for the paper.

What do you say?

[chuckles] Oh. Okay, let me think.

Well, first off, I'm so flattered that you'd wanna do a whole news story just about me. [chuckles]

That's so nice.

Heartfelt thanks to the whole Scoop family.

Can I ask, is your newspaper printed on recycled paper?

Yes, you know, very recycled. The most.

-All right, then. Come on in. -[Michael chuckles]

-Great. Great. -[Doug chuckles]

Oh, hey, before we forget, can Janet take a photo of you for the paper?

Ooh! [chuckles]

Okay, can you look up a little and to the right?

Smile, but only with your mouth and not your eyes.

Perfect.

[theme music playing]

It was 1972.

{\an8}My friend Randy and I ate some magic mushrooms.

{\an8}Randy asked me, "What do you think happens when you die?"

{\an8}And I saw with perfect clarity how the afterlife works.

{\an8}Immediately, I knew I had to live a perfect life.

{\an8}Well, not immediately.

{\an8}The next day all I could do was watch kung fu movies

{\an8}and stroke a blanket that I thought was my cat.

{\an8}But soon after, I designed a life that would maximize my point total,

{\an8}and help me get into the Good Place.

{\an8}-And I've been living it ever since. -[Janet] Hmm.

{\an8}I know this sounds crazy.

{\an8}No! No, actually, it makes perfect sense.

{\an8}[chuckling] Oh.

{\an8}Oh, boy.

{\an8}You've been sitting here for ten minutes

{\an8}and I haven't offered you anything to eat or drink.

{\an8}-[Michael] Oh! -Would you like some water,

{\an8}or fresh radishes?

{\an8}Water'd be great.

{\an8}-[chuckling] Janet! How cool is he? -Oh!

{\an8}For a celebrity, he's amazingly down-to-earth.

{\an8}Stars, they really are just like us.

{\an8}-He's so thoughtful with his actions. -Mmm-hmm.

{\an8}Thank goodness he had that hallucination.

{\an8}He could've had the one Randy had where everything was made of ears.

{\an8}Way less helpful.

{\an8}We have to learn everything we can about what makes him tick, so we can use it to help others.

He is the blueprint, Janet.

He figured it all out.

[Doug] Here we go. Two waters.

Let me know if you're not happy with them.

I have ice cubes if it's too warm, and a Koozie if it's too cold. [chuckles]

Oh! Boy, that has an interesting aftertaste.

-Is that from a nearby river? -Oh, no.

Why take fresh water away from the beavers and the fish?

No, I have my composting toilet hooked up to a water filtration system.

One man's waste is another man's water... and both men are me!

[both chuckle nervously]

I'm pretty excited to relax and have a drink.

I mean, saving souls feels great, but Sydney to Budapest, to Phoenix, to Calgary...

I'm so jetlagged I can't even regrender my chorf.

Don't even know what I was trying to say.

You need to get your blood flowing.

There's a pool table over there. Wanna play?

[Chidi] Yeah, sure, why not? Let's do it.

Tahani, can I ask your advice about something?

Is it about your grating speaking voice?

I'm so glad you finally brought it up.

Because honestly, with a few elocution lessons--

No, I wanna ask you about Chidi.

What's wrong with my voice?

Nothing! It's lovely!

Tell me about Chidi.

So, it must get lonely up here all by yourself without anyone to talk to.

[chuckling] I've got lots of friends.

There's this little guy, for example.

Yeah, it's a snail.

Hi, snail.

I don't name them, in case they already have a name they prefer.

Huh!

So, this is an organic garden.

Yeah. Everything I eat, I grow myself.

The radish patch was actually here when I moved in.

I thought it'd be mean to dig it up.

-Mean to the radishes? -[Doug] Mmm.

I also grow lentils, because they require very little water.

-And have the smallest carbon footprint. -Huh.

All he consumes are lentils and radishes.

No, Janet, he also consumes his own waste.

So, everything's fine.

How do you play pool again? What are the rules?

That's one of the best things about pool, dawg.

There are no rules.

I am 100% sure there are.

Me and my friends play a special Jacksonville style of pool.

It's called, "special Jacksonville-style pool."

You hit whatever ball you want, but you use your hands.

And that's it.

Okay, your turn. I got 1,000 points.

Oh! That's the other rule. You make up your own points.

I got 5 million points?

Damn! How'd you get so good at this so fast?

In this whole other timeline, Chidi and I said "I love you" to each other.

But he doesn't remember any of that happened.

So, I guess my question is, when is the right time to tell someone you were passionate lovers in an alternate timeline in the afterlife, but he doesn't remember, because technically none of that happened in this strand of the multiverse?

[sighs]

You know what? I'll just check with Yahoo Answers.

I'm sure someone's weighed in.

No, no, I'm flattered that you would seek my advice.

Though, I suppose it makes sense.

I'm sure the one constant in all the reboots is that you and I were best friends.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

I don't think you would want Chidi to know what happened in the past unless you wanted it to happen again in the present.

You can't know how Chidi will react.

It may be painful, but it's never a bad idea to tell someone how you feel.

Thanks, Tahani.

You give really good advice.

And you made a really hot centaur.

Sorry?

So, these are some of my 71 adopted dogs and wolves.

You rescued every stray animal that's ever wandered on to your property?

Oh, yes, ma'am. I've been mauled several times.

[chuckling] This little guy here might look innocent, but, boy, he goes right for the squeaker, if you know what I mean.

Oh! This is fun. You get to meet Raymond. Hi, Raymond.

Hi, dum-dum, who are these two hosers?

Don't worry about Raymond.

He's just a local sociopath who comes by my house to take advantage of me.

I got your laundry all folded and ready for you.

For whatever reason, this loser does whatever you tell him to do.

Watch. Hey, give that guy your shoe.

Would that make you happy?

Very happy. Now, give him your shoe.

No, that's okay, Doug, I don't need your shoe.

Please don't give me your shoe.

Well, then give me your shoe, or I'll be sad.

Here you are.

[grunts]

[cackles]

Well, as long as he's happy.

See, if I make him happy, I get the points.

That's how the system works, remember?

[Raymond] Go get your shoe, idiot!

[chuckles] Be right back.

-[stick breaks] -Ah!

-Oh, that's a bleeder! -[Janet] Oh.

[Doug] Yeah.

Michael, face facts. Doug is not the blueprint of how to live a good life.

He's become a happiness pump.

-What? -Remember from Chidi's lessons?

I remember the term "happiness pump."

That's just mostly because Eleanor and Jason made a bunch of dirty jokes about it.

It's a criticism of utilitarianism.

A happiness pump is someone who is obsessed with maximizing the overall good at his or her expense.

Doug will do literally anything to make other people happy even if it makes him miserable.

I don't think he's miserable.

So, everyone happy and contented in here?

-What's... -[Doug] Oh.

I volunteer to test cosmetics for a local company so they don't have to test on animals.

It's fun... for the animals who don't have to do it.

For me, it's like wearing a mask of fire.

Uh, what can I do for you now?

Would you like to move in permanently?

Or would either of you like any more water or one of my kidneys?

You know what, we have absolutely everything we need, thank you.

-We're gonna head out now. -Okay.

It was so nice to meet you, Janet, and you, Mark.

I mean, Michael. [gasps]

I called you Mark.

[voice quivers] Your name is Michael.

No, that's okay.

Hey, stay with me here, buddy.

No, no, no. This is very bad.

Forgetting someone's name, that's definitely lost me some points.

You know, I always secretly wished my name was Mark.

Lie! [inhales sharply] That's a lie!

Now, I'm accusing you of lying, and now I'm yelling.

Why am I yelling?

I need to make this up.

I'm gonna give you a really nice haircut.

[crunches]

-Was that... -A snail?

-Yeah, that was a snail. Ooh. -[squishes]

[Doug sobbing] No, no, no, no, no!

I think he's still alive.

Do either of you know anything about snail first-aid?

-No. -Yes. I mean, no.

All right, Michael, I need you to find some Scotch tape while I apply pressure.

[squishes]

[sobbing] Too much pressure! I'm gonna need that tape!

-Oh! What? -Jacksonville style, baby!

Thirty million points.

Nice one, homie!

Hey, what are you guys doing?

Oh, I either know exactly what I'm doing and it's something, or we're doing nothing and I'm winning.

Congrats. Um... can I talk to you for a second?

Okay, uh, a few days ago,

Michael showed me something.

And I don't know exactly how to say this, but you and I are...

[door opens]

Bambadjan.

I never thought about it before, but yeah, we are kind of "Bambadjan."

No, you jetlagged doof!

Bambadjan is the name of a demon from the Bad Place who is somehow right over there.

-Come with me. Right now. -[Chidi] Okay.

Hey, guys, having fun? Cool, cool, cool.

We need to get out of here immediately, because this bar is full of demons.

Just because these people are wearing cheap leather and stone-washed denim.

They're still part of the queen's realm. Calling them demons is a bit much.

No, no, no, actual demons.

Like, from the Bad Place.

Okay, Chidi and I are gonna go out the side door.

You and Tahani go out the back.

Or we do this the old-fashioned way.

-[Tahani] No! -How did you make that so fast?

[shouting] Bortle--

[Jason straining]

Hello, idiots. Surprised to see me?

[sighs] Right. You don't remember.

I'm Shawn. You are very scared of me.

Now, where's Michael?

[Doug] We are here to celebrate the life of Martin Luther Gandhi Tyler Moore, the snail.

I named him/her that posthumously, because I imagine him/her to be the greatest and most talented snail ever to have lived.

Michael, would you care to say a few words?

[chuckles]

Oh. You're serious. Yes, uh, okay.

Martin was a lot of things.

A snail, mostly, but also a friend.

[Janet] Mmm.

Martin taught us about life, about love, and about the limits of Scotch tape.

[Doug] Goodbye, Martin.

Happy slimy trails, old friend.

I'm sorry, I've gotta leave right away.

I've decided to make a donation to the Canadian Mollusk Association in Martin's honor.

Their office is in Edmonton, so it will take me about three weeks to walk there and back.

Take care.

Look out, little fellas. Heads up. [chuckles]

Here comes a shoe.

Say, Doug, look, do you mind if we ask you just a few more questions?

What you're doing here, how you're living your life,

-is just so wonderful. -[Janet] Mmm.

But can I maybe give you just a little advice?

I know, I should donate more blood.

I'll try, but the last time I went down there, they said I was so anemic, they ended up giving me blood.

No, look, look, um...

I've been a reporter for a long time, Doug.

Met all sorts of people.

Traveled all over this crazy blue marble, meeting regular folks.

Every face tells a story, Doug.

Why, I'd say that those so-called regular folks often turn out to be not so regular after all.

Michael.

Sorry, the point is, I have never met anyone so dedicated to making other people and snails happy.

If what you're saying is true about the afterlife, then you must have earned more than enough points by now.

So, loosen up, bud.

Have a little fun. Eat something besides lentils.

Like radishes?

No! No, Doug. Damn it.

Just have ice cream or chicken parm. Live your life!

Travel!

Drink regular water that wasn't inside you.

Okay? Just relax.

Thank you, Michael.

But, no.

I can't do any of those things.

-Why not? -Because I can't risk it.

There's an accountant out there somewhere, measuring the value of everything I do.

What if I relax and do something that loses me just enough points to keep me out of the Good Place, and I'm tortured for eternity?

No, I have to make every moment count.

It's the only rational way to live. [chuckles]

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna walk to Edmonton to give $85 to a snail charity.

Why don't you just take us to the Bad Place already, dude?

Because I wanna see the look on Michael's face when he realizes he failed.

I love seeing the look on people's faces.

It's the best part of my job.

[Eleanor] Dude, Michael's not coming here.

Face it, man, you are outmatched.

Because Michael and Janet are brilliant and savvy.

And they've been ten steps ahead of you this whole time.

We could sit here as long as you want, but you will never, ever, ever see Michael or Janet again--

[Michael] Yikes, that was rough!

-Total bust! -[Eleanor sighs]

Doug is a complete disaster, and I drank his piss.

Hello, Michael.

See? See the look on his face? So great.

Hello, Shawn, other demons. What are you all doing down here?

What do you think we're doing, you hemorrhoid?

We're ending this charade once and for all.

These four humans are the legal property of the Bad Place.

That's where we're taking them... and you.

If you want them, you're gonna have to go through me.

That's the idea.

Well, it's a bad idea.

Oh, Michael, when will you ever learn?

Screw this! Let's fight!

-[Eleanor gasps] -[grunts]

[grunting]

Get somewhere safe, you guys.

[Jason whimpers]

Bad news. I've been going to the gym. A lot.

[Chidi] Oh, no!

Chidi!

[exclaiming]

What is happening?

[Chidi] Ow, ow!

[screams] Let him go! No! Let him go!

[groans]

[bone cracks]

Let him go!

Twelve years of fencing. En garde!

Obviously, I'd never do that in a competition.

That'd be a three-tenths deduction. [sighs]

[grunting]

No! No! Watch out!

[chuckles] I've never marbleized

-a Janet before. -[Janet whimpers]

[grunts]

Jacksonville style, baby! 2,000 points!

Thanks, Jason.

[grunting]

Janet, door!

[grunts]

[screams]

[grunting]

[Janet chuckles]

[groans]

[Janet chuckles]

Three hundred points! Best score ever!

[screams]

Is it just me or is Janet a straight-up hottie right now?

How are you this close to being dragged to hell

-and still horny? -I don't know.

And how did you know they were demons?

Ugh, I can't tell you that now!

Screw it. What am I waiting for? We could die in the next 30 seconds.

So, Michael showed me a memory of our time in the Good Place, and you and I were, like, a thing.

-And-- -Gotcha!

[grunts]

Not like a casual, "Hey, I found two loose pills in the bottom of my tote, let's pop 'em and see what's good," kind of thing.

We were in love.

And there's a real possibility that I'm in love with you again.

Here. On this plane of existence.

Today. Now. In Canada. During this brawl.

With demons.

[demon] Let's get her to the door.

No!

Oh, cool!

When I'm even partway through the door to the afterlife,

-my powers come back. -They do?

[screams]

[grunts]

They do. Thanks for asking.

[screams]

-You're coming with me. -[both whimpering]

Hi, there.

[Eleanor gasps]

We did it!

[Chidi stammering]

What? No, yeah. No, of course. Janet did it.

Yes, but I had the, uh...

Thank you, Janet.

How did you get down here? We have the only key to the door to Earth.

We built our own door.

That's impossible.

[mockingly] "That's impossible." Ugh, you're such a dweeb.

Why can't you leave us alone?

You don't have enough nostrils to stuff with wasps?

I don't want just any wasp nostrils, I want these wasp nostrils.

You're just delaying the inevitable, Michael.

The Bad Place is going to get all of them eventually.

These four, their loved ones, even your precious pee-pee king, Doug Forcett.

-Now, why would you think that? -Just a hunch.

And do you wanna know what else I had a hunch about?

No.

Why let the guy keep saying mean stuff, right?

I thought Doug Forcett was the blueprint for leading a good life.

He seems pretty confident that Doug is heading to the Bad Place.

For a while now, I have felt like there was something wrong with how the points system was evaluating humans.

At first, I thought it was that the system didn't allow for the possibility that people could improve.

That's why I convinced the Judge to send you back to Earth.

So you could confront the ways you were living.

But, now, I'm worried that the problems with the system might be much more serious.

We need to gather some real evidence.

Uh... Sorry... no, no. Michael, you're confused.

Evidence isn't a good thing that you want.

It's a bad thing that you have to destroy, or you go to jail.

Jason, quick, I need that coaster. Over there, behind the pillar.

You got it, boss.

{\an8}-I just needed a 30-second break. -Yeah.

{\an8}What sort of evidence is this, and how do we get it?

{\an8}Janet and I have to go right to the source of the points themselves.

{\an8}The Accountant's office.

{\an8}The four of you stay here, at Doug Forcett's house, until I get back.

{\an8}You're gonna need to feed all the dogs and the wolves.

{\an8}And if a teenager shows up on a dirt bike, just do as he says. He's very scary.

{\an8}Michael! Michael! [panting] I forgot what you asked me to get.

{\an8}That's okay, bud. Thanks, anyway.

{\an8}Look, we won't be long and you guys should be safe here.

[door opens]

Actually, scratch that.

We're all screwed, 'cause a bunch more demons just showed up.

[Tahani yelps]

[Eleanor] There's too many of 'em. What do we do?

I have an idea. I think I can take you into my void.

-That sounds fun! Let's go into a void! -[Michael] Okay, let's go.

[opens portal]

Just to be clear, I don't know if you'll survive in my void, but either way, all of you will definitely die on Earth when I do this.

So, look around and say goodbye.

-Goodbye, Earth! -Wait, did you just say we're gonna die?