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Employee of the Bearimy

Oh, Janet, you disappoint me.

I expected more of a fight from you.

Yet here you are, all alone in the Bad Place, rendered powerless by a measly magnet jail.

[laughs boisterously]

It's okay, I guess.

What is the issue now, hmm?

That's not how Michael laughs.

It's more of a delighted giggle.

[Shawn] She's right.

You need to nail his subtleties and mannerisms for this to properly work as torture.

[sighs]

My problem with the role is that I haven't fully figured out Michael's motivation yet.

Like, I'm inside Michael, but I need to be "inside" Michael.

Hmm. You know, it actually feels more like torture when you discuss your "acting process."

You don't get it.

If you really wanna know Michael's motivation, it's the same as the rest of my friends:

Loyalty, empathy and love.

-Ew. -And that's why they will prevail.

I hate to break it to you, hon. They're not gonna prevail.

No one's coming to save you.

[laughs maliciously]

-Oof. Getting colder. -I know!

I could feel it. You know, it was wrong.

I'm just... I'm in my head now.

[groans]

[Jason] Hey, Mikey, I have a question about our plan to save Janet.

Is there it yet?

I do have a plan, yes.

But to be honest, I have no idea if it will work.

Maybe Glenn can help.

Yo, Glenn! How should we rescue Janet?

{\an8}[bubbling]

He doesn't know.

Listen, Jason, old friend.

I already gave Eleanor and Tahani all their afterlife memories back.

I haven't restored yours... for obvious reasons.

But I think to maximize our chances of survival, it's time that you remember everything we've been through.

Prepare yourself, this might be intense.

Oh... dip!

[Jason panting]

-Do you remember everything? -Yes.

Last time I was in the Bad Place, I threw a Molotov cocktail.

That was sick.

I was afraid that you'd watch 300 years of memories and that would be your takeaway.

Buddy, I did that to help you know what not to do.

Impulse control is critical.

Fight the urge to blow stuff up, even if you feel like we're in a jam.

Got it?

I mean, that's very lame, but, yeah, I understand.

Wait, can I have all my memories back again?

I forgot most of them.

[theme music playing]

Welcome, everyone!

{\an8}Janet will be unavailable for a bit.

{\an8}She's undergoing some routine system maintenance.

{\an8}Oh, I know what that means.

{\an8}Eye lift, maybe an ear tuck.

{\an8}[Chidi] Mmm. Mmm! Mmm.

{\an8}When we don't have Janet,

{\an8}we like to refresh your memories of your old lives,

{\an8}when you did things for yourselves.

{\an8}We call it Earth Day!

{\an8}And, yes, we know that's a thing on Earth,

{\an8}[scoffs] but what are they gonna do, sue us?

{\an8}[crowd laughs]

{\an8}So, get ready for some fun, lo-fi activities.

{\an8}-This group over here is gonna knit. -[gasps]

You folks are gonna do your favorite activity, gardening.

[cheers]

Oh, man, we better get something better than that.

{\an8}And you five are going to a gorgeous, remote lake house.

Swimming, waterskiing, the works.

[laughs]

Suck it, gardeners.

{\an8}Why do I feel like that's not the first time

{\an8}he's screamed those words?

{\an8}Ugh. Get me down from here, you tiny butthole.

{\an8}Ow!

{\an8}Thank you for keeping me safe from my sexy, bad-girl sister-aunt.

{\an8}Ew.

{\an8}I know that I've caused you a lot of trouble in the past... Classic Derek.

{\an8}But from now on, I'm here to help.

{\an8}I'd feel a lot more confident

{\an8}if you weren't holding a champagne glass full of Scrabble letters, but you're all we got.

You can keep the neighborhood running, right?

Well, I wasn't technically designed for this,

[chuckles] but to be fair, I wasn't designed for anything.

Okay, we're gonna get the humans far away from the center of town to help lighten your load.

That would be really great.

-Okay. -Okay.

All right, babe, it's go time. You ready?

Absolutely. I feel very confident with you in charge.

In the words of my godfather, acting in what can only be described in hindsight as his most problematic role...

"You the man now, dawg."

As always, thank you for finding the quickest possible way to say things.

Now, head off to the lake house, and do your fabulous Tahani hostess thing!

Actually, uh, now that you bring it up,

Michael and Jason are rescuing Janet and you're running things here.

Even Derek has an important job.

Ah.

I'd like to be more useful.

What is it that you Americans say? Uh...

"Insert me, coach man!"

"Put me in, coach."

Babe, we need these humans to stay happy and occupied.

All right? So just pump 'em full of champagne, and those tiny little sandwiches and keep 'em dazzled.

[chuckles] Of course.

Though I'd never serve finger sandwiches at a lake house.

I mean, what am I, Welsh? [chuckles]

Are you? I don't know. No, right?

Okay. We have to move quietly.

We can't be seen by anyone until we get to Shawn.

It's the only way to rescue Janet.

Uh, Michael?

I'm scared.

Me, too, bud.

I mean, what if all this time apart has changed me and Janet's relationship?

What if that special connection is gone?

Yeah.

I mean, for me, it's scary that we're standing in the birthplace of evil, surrounded by billions of demons who wanna destroy us.

Hmm.

I guess we both have things we're scared about.

[Tahani] Hello, all.

I took the liberty of preparing a few simple snacks.

Ooh! This place is nice.

Did anyone else see that movie The Lake House with Keanu and Sandy B?

Ugh, I love a movie with gentle magic.

Gimme a time-traveling mailbox, or a mother-daughter body switch, or, like, Sarah Michelle Gellar as a chef and her food tastes amazing because she cries in it. [chuckles]

I should have been a screenwriter.

Yeah. This'll do, I guess.

I got dibs on the master bedroom.

-Um, Simone? Where's Chidi? -He decided to just stay at home and read.

He said swimming in lakes scares him.

To be fair, most things scare him.

Well, never fear.

You all stay and enjoy the full-sized sandwiches.

I shall go and fetch Chidi. [chuckles]

Tahani is on the job.

Perv 'stache, four eyes... bee monster.

Whoa!

Is that you?

[Michael] Technically, yes.

But it's a version of me I no longer recognize.

Behind that handsome smile was so much cruelty, so much pain inflicted on so many, with such glee.

Shameful.

What echoes of this former self await me here?

[Jason] I feel you.

It was always hard for me to go back to my old high school.

So many memories.

Also, the junkyard machine crushed it into tiny cubes.

If we get out of here alive, remind me to re-erase your teen years.

Come on, guys. Hurry back.

[exhales heavily]

Oh. Hey, Wanda. Everything okay?

Barg-de-barg-de-barg-de-barg.

Come again?

-Oh. -Barg-de-barg-de-barg-de-barg.

-Derek? -Oh! Hey!

So, uh... things are... not going well.

-Hi there! -Hi!

[Eleanor] You said you could handle this.

Yeah, well, it turns out being a single father to 300 kids is not that easy, Eleanor.

Okay, well, the four humans are still at the lake house, so we can figure this out.

-What are you doing here? -I came to get Chidi.

He decided to stay home.

Chidi's up there? Right now?

Oh, Chidi, there you are.

Hi. Sorry, I should've told you. I decided to just stay home and read.

Swimming in lakes scares me, and so does waterskiing--

We know all that, Chidi.

We never expected you to meet the group at the lake house.

We had a special solo activity planned for you.

-Really? What is it? -Mmm-hmm.

We have hidden several clues in this apartment to a puzzle.

Ooh!

-[chuckles] -I love puzzles.

They're so much fun, but they're also like homework. Win-win.

Well, this one's a doozy because when you solve it, you get the answer to the truth about the universe.

[chuckles]

Spoiler alert... I guess.

Hey, Tahani, you've been so helpful, but everyone's back at the lake house with no party hostess, which is obviously less than ideal.

So, go on, get.

-[chuckles] Of course. -Yeah.

-Good luck, Chidi. -Okay.

So, what's my first clue?

You've already gotten it.

Ooh!

[indistinct chatter]

[Shawn] All right, idiots.

This is hour 52 of the 4,000-hour presentation on the future of torture.

-He's gonna be on stage for 4,000 hours? -[shushes]

Here's what I think. We should throw a Molotov--

-Jason. -What? I didn't say cocktail.

I could've meant Molotov anything. You don't know.

[Michael] Just trust me. I have a plan.

Humans are worse than ever. We have to innovate.

Sure, poking sticks work great, but should those sticks be sharper or hotter?

Should they counter-intuitively be less hot?

Let's begin with slide number one of 7,000.

[clapping]

Nice speech... not!

What's up, dingus?

Oh, no. Oh, that's not good.

Oh, what are you guys... Oh, no. Don't do that. That's not Derek.

-Derek. -[Derek groans]

I'm going back to the lake house to entertain, because, apparently, that's all I'm good for.

-Okay. -I'm gonna need some party supplies.

Cocktail napkins with a cute, lake-related slogan.

Maybe they could say "better lake than never."

Oh, sorry, I've just got nothing left in the tank.

Derek, when you get rebooted, you become more advanced right?

Yeah.

Well, perhaps then you'd be more capable of controlling the neighborhood.

Hey, yeah, yeah.

You said you wanted to make this up to us. Well, now is your chance.

-Yes. -Yes.

Derek.

What are you doing here, Vicky? You're early.

And do you ever take that suit off? It smells terrible.

It does?

No need to be alarmed.

I know this might look like Michael, the traitorous slam-pig.

However, this is actually our very own Vicky, wearing the latest in demon technology:

A custom-made, look-alike skinsuit!

-Spin around for us, would ya, hon? -[exclaims]

As you are all aware, our current system suffers from diminishing returns.

Sure, the first time someone gets butthole spiders, he's miserable.

But soon, the humans get used to it, and worse, the spiders get bored.

These personalized skinsuits represent the dawn of a new era:

Torture 2.0.

-[Michael] Oh! [laughs] -[crowd cheers]

And speaking of which, I figured Demon Con would be the best place to surprise you with my greatest invention.

Come on out... Jason.

[crowd gasps]

[crowd cheers]

I had the boys down in R&D make a Jason suit.

Thought it'd be a fun, new way to torture Janet.

-Come on. Come on. Here you go. -I didn't okay this.

I know, but, hey, I'm Vicky!

I'm a total munch.

That you are. Good point.

Hmm. Not bad.

They went a little overboard on the cheekbones, but still.

Wait, who's in there?

-Glenn. -Makes sense.

Get an idiot to play an idiot.

I was beginning to wonder where you were, Glenn.

I'm right here... in Jason.

-Definitely not a big bucket of goo. -[Michael clears throat] Okay.

Say, boss, what do you say we put these innovative suits of yours to work?

We'll go torture Good Janet and let you know how it goes.

-Which way is it again? -Wait.

I have a better idea.

I say we torture Good Janet, right here, right now, live on stage.

-Rufus, go get the Good Janet. -[crowd cheers]

[whispering] This part of your plan seems risky.

This was not part of my plan.

Oh. Thank God, I thought you had a bad plan!

Okay, it's easy. Just hit the button. You've seen Mindy do it a million times.

Yeah, here we go.

[sobbing] No, no, no, don't kill me, me.

Don't do it.

[groans] Huh.

Now, why is that so hard? I kinda...

You know what? I see what I gotta do.

Just kinda look at this...

[screaming] Derek!

Excellent.

-[Eleanor] Dude, what were you thinking? -[Tahani] I just wanted to be useful.

All I ever get to do here is throw parties, which is all I ever got to do back on Earth and now I've ruined everything.

No, you gave us a way out.

So, I fixed everything.

No, you've made things difficult in a new way, but I can make it work.

But the important thing is I did something.

-Be quiet and follow my lead. -Yes, ma'am.

[Eleanor] Chidi? Come on out, bud.

Okay. Am I close?

No, there's 4,000 clues in here. You found five.

I'm just gonna skip to the end.

This puzzle was going to take you on adventures all over the neighborhood.

Horseback riding, hot air ballooning and...

I asked Tahani to be involved because she did all of those things on Earth.

You've been in paradise for a month, and you're still so reluctant to try new activities.

Yeah, I know, I'm just not a new-experience kind of guy.

I mean, my comfort zone is basically... that chair.

And, honestly, the arms are a little sharp.

I want you to believe that you're safe here.

That you can trust me.

Do you trust me, Chidi?

Yes. I really do.

Then come with me.

These personalized skinsuits are a true game-changer.

Imagine being able to torment a human not as yourself, but as their wife, or ex-wife, or just some mouthy broad.

They are so convincing, they even work on a Good Janet!

[Janet grunts] Jeez!

Ugh. Great, more Vicky.

Hey, your Michael impression stinks almost as much as your suit. [scoffs]

-Why does everyone keep saying that? -Pfft. Oof.

Welcome, Janet. We have a special guest for you today.

[sighs]

Hi, Janet. It's me, Jason. Your boyfriend.

I really miss you.

I know we were in a fight before, but I hope you've forgiven me because...

I love you... girl.

Not a girl.

-Well, Janet? -Yeah.

How's that make you feel?

Terrible. [fake crying]

[Michael chuckles]

Adequate work, Glenn.

-Rufus, take the Janet back to her cell. -[Janet] No, no, no.

No, please, uh, let us take Janet back ourselves.

I wanna get a little extra torture time in on the way there.

I don't see why not.

[Vicky as Michael] Hello, dummies.

-It's me, Michael. -[crowd gasps]

I'm just kidding. It's me, Vicky, in a Michael suit.

[chuckles]

What's going on here?

I was never told that I had an understudy.

[Eleanor] There you go, buddy. You're doing great.

Where are we going?

Um... Somewhere fun. Just follow my voice.

Ooh!

This is, uh... kinda fun.

I'm very scared, but also... I like it?

-Hi, there. -Hi, whoever you are.

Don't mind us. We're just doing a trust thing.

Hi, there.

What was that sound?

A unicorn died.

-What? -No.

[stammering] Not a unicorn, my mistake.

Just a regular horse that someone stabbed in the head.

What?

[Eleanor grunts]

What in the name of Kevin Spacey's self-made Christmas Eve video message to try to get back on House of Cards is going on here?

-[whispering] Mike. -[Shawn] Who are you?

[Vicky as Michael] Who am I?

-[Shawn] Who are you? -You had this the whole time?

Yeah. I wanted to explode a bunch of demons, but you told me I should wait, so I did.

Vicky, why did you build a second Michael suit?

He didn't. No, I mean, I didn't.

[stammers] Oh. Look...

[crowd gasps and exclaims]

It can't be.

Yes, it's true.

It's me, the real Michael.

We know all about your plot to sabotage our experiment.

We know you brought Chris in to pretend to be Linda to distract us while you planted a Bad Janet to pretend to be a Good Janet.

No, stop clapping. This is real.

Someone capture them.

Rufus, I'm warning you.

I know we go way back. We used to be roommates.

But if you take another step, I will use this demon exploder on you.

A "demon exploder"? Come on, man.

At least try to make that sound convincing.

[crowd gasps]

Wow.

Touché.

I used to be just like all of you.

I sat right where you're sitting, at more than 10,000 Demon Cons, and I believed that we committed torture as a part of the moral balance of the universe.

But I've learned that's wrong.

Humans are capable of self-improvement, and so are we.

And down deep, Shawn knows this is true, too.

I beg you, open your eyes to the truth.

[slow clapping]

Bravo, Michael.

What a monologue... not!

[crowd laughs]

I'm not scared of you.

Because I've gone there, Michael. I've become you.

You may act like you've changed, but deep down, you're still a demon.

Vile, ugly, capable of so much darkness.

And now... you're home.

[crowd gasps]

Oh, come on!

-[Michael] Let's go. Come on. -Let's go.

[Shawn] No, you morons. Stop applauding them. They're getting away.

I swear, the production value at Demon Con gets better every year.

Man, look at this house.

And that beautiful lake. I can't believe I almost missed all this.

Is this the answer to the truth about the universe?

-Well-- -Uh... Part of it.

Oh!

The puzzle continues.

Hey, you decided to come after all.

I did.

Thanks to Eleanor and Tahani.

[Simone] Aw! You two are the best.

Well, that was insane.

But we got through it... together.

No, we didn't.

You got through it.

I almost ruined it a hundred times.

From now on, I'm just gonna stick to throwing parties, because it's the only thing I'm good at.

[scoffs and fake sobs]

-Hey. -What?

When I said "throw a party," I didn't mean a pity party.

This isn't a pity party. I'm genuinely sad.

The only thing I can do is throw pointless parties.

You run the entire neighborhood. You're so capable.

I have seen you get stuck in any manner of crazy situation, and you always figure a way out.

Yeah, man, because I've had to scrape and claw my way through life, and you grew up in a castle full of diamond lamps and golden pillowcases.

You never learned how to think on your feet.

Look, if the roles were reversed, and I had to throw a fancy party to save all of humanity,

I promise we'd be screwed, because I wouldn't know what salad fork to put next to the... whatever spoon.

The whatever spoon is really only used for certain festive jellies.

See?

Babe, the dodos in that house are literally the four most important human beings in the universe.

I wanted you to take care of them because I trust you.

Plus, your parties aren't pointless.

They're opportunities for them to bond and form friendships.

You know, the thing we need them to do so we're not all tortured forever?

You're right.

And thank you.

But if we ever get through this,

I want to learn how to do something meaningful.

A real skill. Something helpful and fulfilling.

Okay, man, if we survive this,

I promise I will support you while you...

-learn to weld or whatever, deal? -[chuckles]

Deal.

[fires]

That oughta stop them from following us.

So smart.

Nice to have you back, Janet.

That must have been hard for you... to go back there.

It was.

I don't like thinking about who I used to be.

[Jason] Listen, Michael, it's okay to feel or plead guilty about bad things you used to do, but you don't have to feel shame about who you were, because you're not a demon anymore.

You're just like a nice, weird, happy old dude.

Huh. [chuckles]

{\an8}Thanks for rescuing me.

{\an8}I missed you so much.

{\an8}I missed you, too.

{\an8}Bad Janet was so mean to me.

{\an8}She told me so many lies. She said the Jags cut Blake Bortles.

{\an8}Can you believe that?

{\an8}Oh, no.

{\an8}Jason, that wasn't a lie.

{\an8}Blake Bortles was cut by the Jaguars.

{\an8}What? How? Why?

{\an8}Who's their QB now?

{\an8}A man named Nick Foles.

{\an8}Nick Foles? Are you kidding me?

{\an8}He won a Super Bowl! We're gonna be unstoppable!

{\an8}Foles!

-Foles! [chuckles] -Foles!

[Janet] Oh, no. Nick Foles just broke his clavicle.

[Jason] No!