Home > The Good Place

A Chip Driver Mystery

Oh, hi, dip-shirt.

Hello, Bad Janet. How are you today?

Terrible.

I'm here to let you know that after six months of captivity, here in Good Janet's void, today's your last day.

I'm gonna tell you a story.

And once that's done, I'm getting rid of you.

[scoffs] Wow.

Sounds like someone finally put on his big-boy demon pants.

So, what's the story?

Another one of your attempts to prove that humans are "good" and "worthy of respect" and not "big fat sacks of dookie"?

Something like that.

Are you ready?

One thing, real quick, before you start...

[farting loudly]

[theme music playing]

[farting continues]

Wow.

She's gonna last.

{\an8}Is that your story? Looks boring.

{\an8}This book is a part of the story. You'll see.

{\an8}-[sighing] Ugh. -It all started about a week ago.

{\an8}We'd sent the four humans on a ski trip...

{\an8}And they all skied off a cliff and they broke all their bones

{\an8}and their pants fell down and you could see their butts. The end.

{\an8}Actually, it went better than we could've possibly hoped.

{\an8}[indistinct chatter]

{\an8}Well, I admit it. I was wrong.

{\an8}That was super fun!

{\an8}Yeah! I mean, I couldn't actually go skiing,

{\an8}because moving at an angle terrifies me,

{\an8}-but that lodge had so many reading nooks. -[Brent chuckles]

{\an8}[chuckles] Just everywhere you look... nook.

{\an8}Plus Jianyu guided us on that amazing meditation.

{\an8}Oh, do you guys want to share what your mantra is?

{\an8}Mine is Cate Blanchett saying, "Rihanna."

Congrats again, on the gin rummy win.

I thought I was gonna take you down,

'cause I used to play all the time back in college.

Ah, you went to Rutgers, right?

No, I went to Princeton.

Yeah, I know. I'm messing with you.

{\an8}[laughing] Oh.

{\an8}Nice one. Hey, you were joking, though, right?

{\an8}You know it's Prince... Yeah, you know.

{\an8}Okay, team. Well done.

{\an8}They're all kinda killing it, but Brent has definitely made the most progress.

Yeah, when Simone beat him at cards, he didn't flip the table and storm off.

He just stormed off. That's big.

Well, we still don't know if he's really changed, or if he's just trying to get into "super heaven."

But his behavior's changing.

Remember, that's the roadmap.

First, we change the behavior, then we work on motivation.

-And now... [drumroll] -[Michael] Oh-ho-ho.

...the moment you've all been waiting for.

The humanity savior of the week goes to...

-Jason! -Aww.

Yes!

Keep up the amazing work with Chidi.

And the award for hottest savior of the week goes to...

-[gasps] Eleanor Shellstrop! -Whoop-whoop!

Thank you, I accept.

I never win "hottest."

I don't know what to tell you, man.

Maybe do some squats. Pop that booty a little bit.

[Michael] It was a real high point.

The ski trip, I mean, not the completely rigged hotness contest.

-[sighs] -All in all, it was the best

-we'd ever felt about the experiment. -Ugh.

And then Brent did something... very Brentian.

[sarcastically] Who could've predicted that?

Oh! Hey, ski bunnies.

So, great news.

I wrote a book, and since you're my nerdiest friends, you get to be the first to read it.

{\an8}"Six Feet Under Par: A Chip Driver Mystery."

{\an8}[Brent] Yeah. It's half-spy novel, half-murder mystery.

It's also half-submarine adventure, half-erotic memoir, and half-political thriller.

It's also half-golf tutorial, and half-commentary on society.

So, it's three-and-a-half books in one?

At least. So, read it ASAP.

I'm having a book-signing party and I want you to introduce me.

-You know, talk about how great it is. -Oh!

Party's in two days, so chop-chop.

[Simone] Tahani. Cancel your plans.

We're gonna split a bottle of wine and read Brent's terrible novel out loud.

Oh, dear.

Perhaps we shouldn't make fun.

He did seem nicer on the ski trip.

He made us all s'mores.

Though to be fair, he did also claim to have invented them.

Before you defend him, you might wanna check out Chip Driver's love interest.

Oh, no.

"Her name was Scarlett Pakistan, and she was the type of girl you couldn't take in all at once, or you'd die.

You had to take her in bit by bit, like a great work of art, like the Louvre."

"Her brown eyes were as brown as the brownest crayon.

She had legs like Jessica Rabbit from that movie."

"Her long, flowing locks smelled like the moon at twilight on a par four."

Ugh.

I'm sorry about this.

I've been through worse.

Once, at Elon Musk's birthday party,

I was seated between Silvio Berlusconi and Elon Musk.

-[sighs] -[Michael] This is bad.

Brent and Simone is our trickiest relationship.

She tends to make snap judgments about people, and he's a guy who repeatedly confirms the accuracy of her snap judgments.

We need her to believe that Brent is better than his worst actions.

Like saying that Tahani "has an accent like the Queen of England, but without any of the old, gross face parts."

We felt like we could contain the fallout from Brent's book.

But as is often the case with these things, the negative effects started to ripple out.

Oh. Like when someone throws up on a bus, and then someone smells it and they throw up?

Sure, yeah.

[Jason] What's wrong, homie?

Oh, Brent wrote this book and clearly, he put some of us in it.

There's a cowardly character named Four-Eyed Igby who "wears glasses and sweater-vests and never does anything spontaneous or cool."

I am educating you in ethics. What could be cooler than that?

If you want to try something spontaneous, I'm your guy.

Almost everything I did on Earth I did without thinking, or worrying about what would happen.

That's how I got my nickname, The Defendant.

Not the best argument, but you're right.

What is something spontaneous that I can do right now?

Let's come up with a list of ten possibilities, and then slowly whittle it down over the next four days.

Better idea, let's dance, baby.

Hmm?

[upbeat music playing]

Get you out of your head.

This is how we defeat Igby, the no-fun nerd.

Yeah.

-Look at ol' Igby move. -There you go.

[police sirens wailing]

I've never heard this before. Who is it?

Me. I wrote it. This song is called, "I'll Love You Forever, parentheses: (Make that Booty Bounce in the Bath)."

Oh. Fun fact, the police sirens in the background are real.

I was being chased as I recorded it.

[chuckling] Okay. Okay. Oh, no...

Oh, my Gaga.

[Michael] So, obviously, this was a troubling development.

Ugh! Can you just skip to the end?

No. I need to tell you the whole story.

Why? Every story about humans ends the same way.

Just tell me how they screwed up and put me out of my misery.

You're judging them too quickly.

Trust me, I've spent a lot more time with people than you have.

And I know literally everything that every one of them has ever done.

Do you know what's happening right now on Earth?

Wars, murders, women in $400 yoga pants are refusing to vaccinate their children.

Vindictive nerds at Apple are changing the charger cable shape again.

Where does this hope come from, man?

This insane hope that people are worth the trouble.

To quote a terrible song by a terrible musician that people love so much they constantly put it in terrible movie trailers, humans are "b-b-b-bad to the bone."

Well, I think that they're g-g-g-good sometimes, and you should give them the b-b-b-benefit of the d-d-d-doubt.

Now...

Where was I?

Ugh!

So. John had just accidentally discovered the truth about Jason.

Keeping a secret like this is exactly the kind of thing that John struggled with on Earth.

Or to put it in terms you'll understand, the gossip toilet was about to overflow.

Oh.

I do understand that now. Thank you.

So, Jianyu is really Jason from Florida?

Who else knows about this?

Is it just me? [gasps] Is it an exclusive?

[stammers] Yes, and we have to keep it that way.

If the truth comes out, we have no idea what will happen to Jason.

You don't know what you're asking of me.

Look, the neighborhood is obviously amazing, but it's also a little "Season 4 of Downton Abbey." [scoffs]

Beautifully designed, but a real snoozefest.

Jason being a mistake is easily the most exciting thing that's happened since we got here.

What if, in exchange for your discretion, Jason teaches you that Magic Mike body roll thing?

[Chidi] Huh?

I mean, you always said you've wanted to learn that.

-Fine. -[sighs]

But I wanna learn the whole dance.

[Michael] We'd hoped Simone would forget all about Brent's book,

but unfortunately...

{\an8}"Chip Driver pulled up to the murder site in his 1968 Cadillac.

{\an8}'Keep it close,' he growled to the valet, Luis.

'Of course, señor,' said Luis, who secretly admired Chip more than even his own father."

"Chip gazed at the sexy outline of the murder victim on the floor.

'What a waste of curves,' he growled.

He checked his Rolex watch, which was real.

It was almost golf o'clock, so the case would have to wait.

Good thing he'd already solved it.

-[chuckles] -The killer was Luis, the valet."

He solves the murder on page ten. What is the rest of this book about?

-[both laugh] -How's it going, ladies?

Oh, you know, just delving into the great works of literature.

Yeah, so, listen. Um...

Maybe Brent made some insensitive choices, but could you possibly see your way to forgiving him?

-I suppose. -No.

No?

Sorry, but no, I can't.

This book is objectifying, misogynistic and racist.

Why are we still dealing with this shirt in the Good Place?

When people like him are ignorant jerks, why are people like us asked to forgive him?

Also, and this is less important, why is he in a fighter jet for his author photo?

Well, I can answer the last one. It's because he loves Top Gun.

-Oh. -As for the other questions,

I will get back to you, after I consult a number of immortal beings, who are very wise.

Didn't take you for a linksman.

I appreciate golf.

As Ben Hogan once said,

"The most important shot in golf is the next one."

That's a lovely idea.

If you make a mistake, you always have a chance to redeem yourself.

Yeah, well, as John Daly once said to David Lee Roth at the 2002 Chili's Pro-Am in Orlando,

"Suck on this drive, buttmunch!"

Whoo!

Nailed it. That was a flusher but she sank.

Perhaps an adept linksman like yourself should play with the assistance filter turned off?

-Let's play old-school. -All right. Why not?

Fork! You sneezed, man.

I don't think I sneezed, because I literally can't.

Well, somebody sneezed. Damn it.

Brent, buddy, nobody sneezed.

-You hit a bad shot, and it's fine. -[sighs]

You know, it isn't a sign of weakness to admit that you screwed up.

Fine, whatever, I shanked it.

There ya go. Now let's go find your ball, and try to do better on your next shot.

And you know, if this ends up applying to any other aspect of your life later on, then cool.

-What? -What? Nothing. Nothing.

[Michael] I gotta say, Bad Janet,

I really felt like I had managed to stop the bleeding.

You thought that dingdong would do a total personality 180 because of one gentle metaphor?

What can I say? I'm an optimist.

{\an8}But two days later, at the event, it fell apart almost immediately.

{\an8}Hey, uh, thanks for not telling anyone about Jason.

Oh, well, ever since I arrived here, Tahani helped me realize that gossip was an unhealthy way for me to boost my self-esteem.

But on the other hand, this Jason tea needs to be spilled. [sobs]

Just try to remember what Immanuel Kant said,

"It is your duty to keep your friend's secrets."

But my favorite philosopher, Bethenny Frankel, would say that I have a duty to "mention it all!" And "if you can't handle the truth, then you can't handle me."

-[sighs] -Once again, I beg you, please listen to Immanuel Kant and not Bethenny Frankel.

Gah! Well, I gotta goss about something.

What about a few blind items

-that I picked up around the neighborhood? -[sighs]

You wanna know who wears the same dumb shorts every day?

-No, I don't. -It's "Dumb Shorts Cathy."

Simone?

Uh, I have been thinking about those very good questions that you asked me.

I'm sorry for the delay.

The ancient scrolls I had to consult were very hard to... roll back up.

Um, anyway, I thought about what you should say to Brent when he asks for your opinion of his novel.

Me, too. I have a great idea. I'm gonna tell him it sucks very hard.

Well, listen. You're absolutely right that Brent needs to evolve, but there may be a more subtle way to make that happen.

[Brent chuckles] Hey, there they are.

-Charlie's Angels. [chuckles] -[softly] Oof.

So, did you finish the book? What'd you think?

Well, very interesting word choices.

I've definitely never seen the word "pants-tent" used so many times.

Yeah. I kinda just felt like, in that moment, that that's what the surgeon general would say.

What else? Let's hear some more complos.

Compliments. For when you introduce me.

Just writing a book is an amazing accomplishment.

You bet your butt it is. The story's incredible, too.

I mean, Chip solves the mystery on page ten. Greatest detective ever.

So, hop on up there, and just speak from the heart about how it's your favorite book ever.

Actually, I have to say, um, the Scarlett Pakistan character is clearly based on Tahani, and it's not exactly flattering.

Not flattering?

I said she's got huge ones.

-Ultimate complo. -Yeah, see, there... [chuckles]

Brent, remember our conversation about making mistakes and how the most important shot is the next one?

Hang on a second. You guys agree with her?

Unreal.

I didn't ask to get yelled at

-by the PC police. You know... -[scoffs]

...I was gonna give you 10% off the cover price.

But now you're gonna have to pay the full 65 bucks like everybody else.

There's no money here.

Book event is canceled.

Because of these mean women.

Oh, man.

Perhaps I can convince Simone to handle this the British way: smile bravely, bury your feelings and allow a steady drizzle to slowly wash away your sadness over 50 years.

F that. Simone is not the problem. Brent is.

He needs to change, and walking on eggshells around him ain't gonna do the trick.

We need to throw the egg right at his face.

You're right. Enough is enough. He lived on Earth for almost 60 years.

This experiment is more than halfway over.

He's got to improve, and we can't wait forever.

Janet, where is he now?

Take a wild guess.

Hey, bud. Whatcha up to?

-Grippin' and rippin'? -Trying to.

Just seems like the big dog don't wanna hunt today.

You know, Simone was very mean to me.

Maybe even a little racist.

Well, listen. Art is subjective.

More importantly... [sighs]

No other way to put this, buddy. You made a mistake.

Your actions hurt people, and you have to take responsibility for that.

You need to come back and apologize.

Take the first step toward healing the neighborhood.

Fine. I'll be the bigger man.

Just like my dad, when he single-handedly took on all those class-action lawsuits.

-[sighs] -I just wish I could get through to the guy.

I wonder if he'd respond to some social contract theory.

Why are you trying to help him?

He doesn't even know you exist.

He doesn't see other people.

I mean, he did call me "a four-eyed coward who probably dry-humps books."

-[sighs] -But why not be a bigger person and rise above it?

I'll tell you why. Because doing that sends a message that it's okay to be treated this way, and it's not okay

-to treat anyone that way. -[sighs]

Not Tahani. Not me. Not even you, Igby.

-[chuckles] -Everyone? Gather round, please.

Brent has something that he'd like to say.

[sighs]

Okay.

Regarding my critically acclaimed novel,

I am very sorry if you were offended. Okay?

Not an apology.

Yes, it was.

Okay, fine.

I'm sorry if what I wrote, which was perfectly okay, somehow made you feel like it wasn't okay.

But you know what, that's on you.

Brent, wrong direction, bud.

No, sorry, man, either apologize for real or stop wasting our time.

Okay, you know what? I'm actually not sorry at all. How about that?

Is that what you want to hear?

Very obviously not.

Why don't we take a break? Let's all get a snack.

Not until they give me the complos I rightly deserve.

You want a complo? I'll give you a complo.

I didn't think it was possible to write a book as awful as yours.

I literally didn't think human beings were capable of such racist, sexist poppycock.

Also, Chip Driver is either a private eye, or the quarterback for the Chicago Bears, or "the world's strongest president."

He cannot be all three.

[exhales]

[whispers] Oh, boy.

This is a disgrace.

I accomplished something. I wrote a novel.

And now my integrity is being attacked?

I have been called racist, sexist.

I don't have a racist or sexist bone in my body.

I am Brent Norwalk, and I'm a good person.

I'm in the Good Place. You ever heard of it?

And I'm here because I deserve to be here.

I'm here because I earned it, by being the best.

Ugh, you're ridiculous.

Yeah and you're a condescending bench.

[all exclaim]

Uh, don't talk to her that way, please. Hey, I have an idea.

Let me summon a few philosophical works we can use--

Ugh! Enough with the frickin' books, Igby.

You probably don't even know this, but that character is based on you.

No, I knew it, man. Oh!

-Look out! -Ah! I'm being attacked again.

-Sorry, that was unintentional. -Fork you.

-[grunts] -[all gasp]

[groans]

So, I'm thinking bagel bites...

-for the snack? -[Brent groaning]

[Bad Janet] Ah.

Middle-aged American male fragility.

You know why they're called baby boomers, right?

Because the tiniest little pinprick to their ego and boom!

They become babies.

I mean, that was it. We were forked.

Six months of painstaking work, trying to help the four humans overcome their worst instincts and bond as a group.

And in a poof, it was gone.

I told you, man. Humans suck.

[chuckles]

Well, this story has one more chapter.

[Michael breathes deeply]

[Eleanor clicks tongue]

So, today was bad.

Today was very bad. Everyone for sure lost a bunch of points.

And I don't have a solution.

Okay. Well, let's reset.

I'll do something mildly iffy, and let John make a small, good decision to help.

I could tell him I'm going to get ombre highlights, and let him talk me out of it.

What's wrong with ombre highlights?

Eleanor. Please. This week has been hard enough.

[sighs]

I could set my robes on fire and try and get Brent to put it out.

I know you're only suggesting that because you've repeatedly said you would look "dope" in flaming monk robes, but that's actually not a bad idea.

Force him to help someone without actually thinking about it.

Then maybe I'll ask Chidi to lead a class on empathy.

Yes! Okay, let's write these down.

We got plenty of time left.

We can get back on track.

-[Michael] That was an hour ago. -[inaudible]

Right before I came here to see you for the last time.

For months, you and I have been debating, are people good or bad?

But as I watched those three people pick themselves up and dust themselves off,

I realized we've been asking the wrong question.

What matters isn't if people are good or bad.

What matters is if they're trying to be better today than they were yesterday.

You ask me where my hope comes from?

That's your answer.

[powering down]

What are you doing?

Sending you home.

I'm not marbleizing you, Janet. I'm letting you go.

I've tried to win you over to our side.

{\an8}It hasn't worked, so keeping you as a prisoner just seems cruel.

{\an8}Letting you go home is how I've decided

{\an8}to be a little better today than I was yesterday.

{\an8}Here's your phone...

{\an8}and a, uh, parting gift.

{\an8}Oh. Sweet. Is that Brent's book?

{\an8}No. I didn't have any cash on me, so I couldn't get you a copy.

{\an8}This is a manifesto,

{\an8}detailing everything that's happened with the humans.

{\an8}-Janet and I wrote it a while back. -[sighs]

She's been updating it as we go.

-I hope you'll read it. -Great thinking.

People that get books as gifts always read them.

Bye!