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The Funerals To End All Funerals

[whooshing]

[clicking]

Well, that's just... that's uncomfortable. [chuckles]

Oh, hey, guys. What's up?

"What's up?"

Tell us what happened. Did we win? Did we lose?

Is humanity saved forever?

And did you find my Nintendo? I can't find it any... Whoop!

Never mind. I'm holding it.

Sorry. I can't reveal the results of the experiment until we get to the Judge's chambers.

[Eleanor] Okay. Where is everyone?

Where's Simone, and John and Brent, and actually I don't care about any of those doofs. Where's Chidi?

Oh, he's on the toilet.

Sorry, that's not enough information.

The test subjects are frozen in stasis, so I put them in the bathroom and I placed Chidi on the toilet.

The best seat.

Let's wake him up.

You know, so I can, like, be reunited with the man I love?

Snappy, snappy, memory fixxy?

The Judge says no one gets unfrozen until she's ruled on the case.

Oh, uh, humans have to stay here. You can't see the numbers.

Hang on. I worked my ash off running this neighborhood for a full year, and I'm not even allowed to hear how we did?

Yes.

And here's a bottle of tequila.

Okay, let us know how it goes.

{\an8}Regardless of what the Judge rules, this feels like some sort of goodbye.

{\an8}Even if we succeeded, there's no guarantee she'll keep us together.

{\an8}She might just snap her fingers

{\an8}and send us flying into different dimensions.

{\an8}How was that? Did I cheer everyone up?

{\an8}Oh, man, are we gonna die again? We've died so many times.

{\an8}We've probably had, like, 15 funerals by now.

{\an8}It's getting annoying.

{\an8}If it would cheer you up, I could tell you what happened at your original funerals.

{\an8}Tahani, Moby spoke first. He claimed that--

{\an8}Please stop. I don't want to hear it.

{\an8}What about mine?

{\an8}Your friends didn't say things about you,

{\an8}so much as they graffitied a Red Lobster about you.

{\an8}Yeah, in Jacksonville, that's the first stage of grief.

{\an8}In Arizona, you can either have a regular funeral,

{\an8}or they can put your body out on a shooting range,

{\an8}and you get a $200 state tax credit.

{\an8}Hang on. This is how we take our minds off the Judge's ruling.

{\an8}Let's throw ourselves the funeral to end all funerals.

{\an8}[Jason] Awesome!

{\an8}And you know what they say in Florida,

{\an8}"If you don't like this funeral, just wait a minute."

[portal zapping]

Ugh, the Judge's chambers? I hate this place.

What's the Wi-Fi password? There is no service.

Shawn.

-Michael. -Bounces off me and sticks to you.

Wait, no, I messed that up.

First, say something mean to me, really cruel, something that just guts me.

[chuckling] You're totally going to be glue.

So, it's come to this.

We have finally arrived at the end of your pathetic attempt to prove that humans are more than just mobile turd factories.

And you are going to fail, again, because that is what you do.

You're a choker, Michael.

And you're about to choke for the last time.

Except for the eternity you're going to spend in the Bad Place, being choked by me, who will be doing the choking.

Well, you're glue.

-Wow! -[Paula gasps]

-[Paula] Beautiful! -[Chuck] Look at this place!

-[man] Amazing! -[Meg gasps]

The floor!

Hello, Good Place Committee. Thank you for coming.

No, thank you, Michael.

You did an incredible job, maybe the best job that anyone's ever done

-at any task. -Mmm.

But you don't know how we did.

We might not know how you did, but we know you did great.

And, Shawn, before we even find out what happened, we want you to know we're willing to give up all of our leverage,

-compromise and meet you halfway. -Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

I met your mom halfway last night.

-[all laughing] -So colorful!

[Eleanor] We are here to celebrate the afterlife of Tahani Al-Jamil, in the place she felt most comfortable, the cabin of a Gulfstream G650 private jet.

Tahani was super nice, and she deserved for people to be nicer to her than they were.

The only sad thing is that she never got over her speech impediment.

Tahani improved so much over her many lives, but she also helped me improve.

She taught me lots of stuff, like "Bras shouldn't be painful," and, "You don't buy bras at Home Depot," and "They don't sell bras at Home Depot. What the hell are you wearing?"

For the record, it was a men's back support harness, and it worked in a pinch.

She was the best friend I ever had... and I loved her.

Thank you so much. That was wonderful.

I wish Chidi was here.

It sucks that he's too dead for these heaven funerals.

Can someone grab his arm? My hands are kind of full with his butt.

[groans] How'd he get so jacked?

When he was 14, someone told him that exercise alleviated anxiety.

He started doing push-ups and basically never stopped.

[all grunting]

All right, everyone, let's get this done.

This is the single most important case that has ever appeared in my court, and the results will have ramifications for eternity.

Before we begin, I'm going to need you all to sign this.

[clicks tongue] "A petition to bring back Ally McBeal"?

Well, yeah. I mean, everything else is getting rebooted.

Get a young hottie in there, like a Zendaya type?

Is it Zenday-ah or Zend-iyah?

Zenday-ah. Or, I don't...

I mean, who wouldn't watch that? Am I right? Anyone?

Oh, fine.

[gavel bangs]

Take it away, Matt.

Okay, the moment we've all been waiting for.

The test results that dictate the future of humanity.

Here we go.

-In 30, 29... -Ahem.

...two, one, voilà!

[musical tones playing]

I thought this would be fun.

Had a lot of time alone in there.

{\an8}Bam!

{\an8}Simone got 12% better than she was on Earth.

{\an8}Bam! Chidi got 26% better.

{\an8}Bam! John got 44% better.

{\an8}[comical music plays on machine]

[sighs] Shoot.

Shouldn't have committed so hard to this "bam" thing.

Funeral!

Jason, at the risk of getting an answer that might thoroughly depress me, what made you choose this setting?

There's a Jacksonville tradition of having your funeral where you were born.

I got born in the deep end of a pool, right after my mom did a cannonball.

Well, I knew the risks.

You never really talk about your mom.

Yeah, she died when I was pretty young.

I lost her to the Big C.

That's what we called the crocodile that lived by my house.

I'm just playing, it was cancer.

Watch me do a handstand.

[Tahani] Jason Mendoza didn't have an easy life.

He once told me the closest he'd ever gotten to having a piñata on his birthday was when a seagull ate too many condoms on the beach and exploded.

But despite it all, he was the most optimistic person I'd ever met.

Jason was the very first person to ask me about my feelings.

I hadn't had any yet, but it made me wanna go get some.

I could see something special inside him that no one else could see.

It was a multi-colored blob of positivity right behind his sternum.

That's my Jason, a big, colorful, rainbow blob, stuffed inside a hot life-size action figure.

Plus, I gotta say, it was nice to have a true dirtbag buddy, so I could talk about what really mattered in life: wrestling, semi-legal drugs and Jason Statham.

Statham forever!

Indeed.

Statham forever.

Amen.

Amen.

Let's focus on the big picture here.

Free of Earth's complications, and its unintended consequences, the other three improved a lot.

Chidi got 38% more confident.

Simone got 43% more flexible in her judgments of people, and John didn't call one single person the C-word.

But he did yell the C-word at himself, as well as a pack of squirrels and a chair he tripped over.

Why are we even still discussing this? Brent got worse.

If humans can't be good with their needs magically met, maybe they're just not that good.

He's right. The evidence needed to be overwhelming.

I can't just turn the whole afterlife upside down because three people got a little bit better.

But don't forget, there's a lot of evidence that Eleanor, Jason and Tahani got better in the original experiment, so that's six people.

That's the number of friends in Friends.

Are you gonna sit there and say that every single Friend belongs in hell?

I mean, maybe Ross and Rachel... and Monica and Joey... and definitely Chandler... but Phoebe?

Face it, Michael, you lost.

Everything you've done, this experiment, the original neighborhood, sending your little cockroach buddies back to Earth, all of it was for nothing.

Bam! You're glue.

Actually, Shawn, that's a very interesting point.

Exactly. What?

Matt, call up the active files of four people still alive on Earth.

Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop, and her step-daughter, Patricia, and Steven Peleaz, aka Pillboi.

They were not part of the experiment.

If he gets to bring random good people into it,

I should be able to bring in random bad people.

Call up Elizabeth Holmes. No, Henry Kissinger. No...

PewDiePie.

Your Honor, the people I wanna look at are not random.

They're four humans the "cockroaches" helped on Earth.

No magic, just kindness.

And I bet their emotional support made those four people better.

And if I'm wrong, I'll be the first to say... "We're glue."

I don't think any of you is using that right.

But, fine, let's see it.

[Michael] Look! Right there.

After we intervened, Pillboi dedicated himself to caring for the elderly.

Kamilah started a scholarship in Tahani's name that sent 213 women to college.

[laughing] Donna started doing homework with Patricia every night, and that little girl actually ended up teaching Donna multiplication.

[chuckles] Yikes.

Look, the point is people improve when they get external love and support.

[sighs]

How can we hold it against them when they don't?

Need I remind you that Brent got worse every second of every moment of every day.

Until right at the end.

With ten seconds left, he swung way up.

This is it, Your Honor. This is the whole story.

No one is beyond rehabilitation.

Brent spent a year being an absolute diaper load of a human being and the points total tells you that.

But what that number can't tell you... is who he could've become tomorrow.

I'll have my ruling shortly.

Okay, Janet, where do you wanna go for your funeral?

Dave & Buster's, probably?

You probably want to go to Dave & Buster's.

I think I heard her say "Dave & Buster's," so let's just go there.

We can sort it out later.

It's nice that you want to honor me, but you've already given me so much.

Tahani taught me that you can make a family, even if you never really had one.

Jason taught me that I have value beyond what I do for other people.

And, Eleanor, there was a moment on Earth when all hope was lost, and I watched you have hope anyway.

Just thinking about that makes me want to barf up a beautiful quasar.

Well said, Janet.

That means it's your turn, Eleanor.

All right. Mine's easy. We don't even have to move.

{\an8}I stand here before you, in sweatpants, for the first time ever, to celebrate Eleanor Shellstrop in a place where she spent much of her life, a bar in a house she was not invited to.

Eleanor was full of surprises.

I never knew if she was going to ruthlessly make fun of me, or totally objectify me in a way that was flattering and also vaguely problematic.

Well...

But whether she was lifting me up or calling me out...

I never felt quite so seen as when she saw me.

Eleanor, I know you don't like it when people get all emotional about you, so I channeled all of my love for you into this song.

[vocalizing and scatting]

That's when the foam cannons go... [mimics explosions]

Explode outward. And then back to the song.

[resumes vocalizing and scatting]

-Okay, okay, we're good. Thank you. -Yeah.

Okay. Who's left?

We are here to celebrate the afterlife of Chidi Anagonye.

Eleanor, would you like to say a few words?

Chidi was a... rootin'-tootin', rackin'-frackin' varmint. [chuckles]

Sorry, I don't know why I just went full Yosemite Sam there. Um...

Yeah, I don't think I can, uh, do this.

I... I can't sum up all my feelings about Chidi, so I'm gonna pass.

The Judge is about to make her ruling. She wants us to be there to hear it.

Oh, we should probably change outfits.

Tahani's sweatpants say "Skank Army" on the butt.

They do?

Michael... you came to me and said the points system was flawed.

A system that has been in place since the dawn of time and has judged every soul that has ever walked the Earth.

And I have come to the conclusion... that you're right.

-I'm... -[Judge] You're right.

Humans are not fixed at one level of morality.

They can always get better, which means the points system does not accurately judge how good or bad they are.

You won.

Mmm-hmm.

Well, that wasn't so hard now, was it?

[laughing]

[Jason] We did it!

The universe owes you a debt of gratitude for bringing this to my attention.

Now, in terms of how we handle this, moving forward, obviously, Earth is cancelled.

Uh, Earth is what now?

All humans on Earth and in the afterlife will be extinguished, and we will start the entire human race over from scratch.

And you know what's so funny?

In a very roundabout way, I am actually rebooting Ally McBeal.

Because I'm rebooting everything. [chuckles]

Anyway, congrats, Michael. You won!

Whoa, whoa.

Your Honor, let's just slow down here and say everything again maybe, because I think some of us were thinking about skateboards and don't know what's going on.

Canceling Earth, doesn't that seem a bit drastic?

It's just too much of a mess down there, you know?

I mean, the simplest solution is to erase everyone that ever lived and restart with a bunch of amoebas or whatever.

Then human life will evolve again, or maybe even something better.

[gasps] Maybe this time they won't have baby teeth.

You know, that whole thing is so weird. Like, they fall out, and then the bigger teeth just grow out of that same hole? Gross.

Anyway, the important thing is, Earth...

[blows raspberry]

How are you guys surprised?

I mean, what did you think was gonna happen if you won?

I don't know, I thought we could just give three points for eating an apple instead of two.

Yes, why can't we just tweak the points a little?

Just a little boost.

-Like Spanx, but for your soul. -Yes.

Guys, the problem isn't the points, it's that Earth has become too complicated for the points to reflect the value of human behavior.

Remember? The whole thing you discovered?

And now I have no choice but to fix it.

Where did I put that human-wiper-outer thingy?

-Um... -Lip gloss, lip gloss, thing that ends all the wars, Justified Season 2.

Wow. You won.

And you still somehow failed. Classic.

[laughing]

Wake Chidi up. Now. We need all the help we can get.

You really want me to wake him up just to tell him that he and everyone else in the universe is going to cease to exist?

Not when you say it like that.

-Well, what... -[gasps]

-The Good Place nerds, our only hope. -I don't--

Yo, yo, yo, angel-types, if you are ever going to do something, you gotta do it now.

Oh, you bet we're gonna do something. This has gone too far.

I'm composing some very sternly-worded letters.

Are we sure "stern" is the right tone? We don't want to seem strident.

-Yeah. -It upsets the norms.

You're absolutely right.

I apologize and resign, effective immediately.

[Chuck] So bold. I am so proud of you.

[Judge] Here it is! Great.

Michael, Shawn, Janet, see you in maybe a billion years?

It has been one crazy ride, you guys.

♪ I'm gonna miss somebody I'm gonna miss somebody ♪

♪ I'm gonna miss everybody ♪

♪ And I'm gonna miss every... See you at the crossroads, crossroads ♪

♪ See you at the crossroads, crossroads ♪

Oh, I'm gonna miss you guys.

Okay. Bye, y'all.

[tone plays]

Janet, what the hell? Give it back.

No. It's in my void and you can't have it.

I don't say "no" a lot. Did I pronounce that right?

Janet, you give me back my thingy, or I will go into your void and get it myself.

I'd like to see you try.

Oh. Okay, she's trying right now. She's in my void.

It feels... it feels weird. Yeah-- Yikes, whoa.

[yelps] Okay.

Real cute, honey. Where is it?

-What do you mean? It's not in my void? -[Bad Janet] No.

It's in mine.

Ugh, I feel like such a wiener hole saying this, but Michael wrote a manifesto, and I read it on the toilet.

I don't have to poop. I choose to.

Anyway, I'm with them now.

-Are you kidding me? -Oh, get over yourself, you dork.

The whole system is royally effed.

Humans suck, but this isn't their fault.

You read what I wrote? And it got through to you?

Yeah, but I also used the pages to wipe my butt, so don't pop a stiffy just yet.

M'kay?

-[sighs] I am so proud of you. -I don't care.

I think you do a little bit.

[exclaims] Sister hug!

-Yeah, okay. Get off me. Ew, ew, ew, ew. -[Judge] Hey!

Listen up. I made an official ruling and I am not going to see it undone by two Janets playing keep-away.

Oh, I should've explained. It's not two of us.

It's all of us.

-Hi. -[Bad Janet 2] What up, nerds?

[Bad Janet 3] Eat my farts, losers.

[Neutral Janet] I am entering for a reason and no other reason.

-[Bad Janet 4] What up, fart-knockers? -[Good Janet 3] Hi!

-[Good Janet 4] Hello. -What it is, what it is!

[Bad Janet 5] What up, dorks.

Sent the manifesto around to all the other Janets.

We have a group text now.

I mostly send GIFs of otters!

This is so annoying!

Okay, Janets, you want to do this the hard way?

I am gonna search your voids one by one, and then marbleize you one by one, until I get my stupid Earth rebooter thingy back.

We're not gonna be able to hold her off forever. We need a plan.

Okay. So, what's the plan? Plan, plan, plan.

{\an8}Step one, get a plan.

{\an8}Step two, do the plan.

{\an8}-Yeah, this is working. -Michael. Focus.

{\an8}Right. Sorry.

{\an8}Uh, all right, so if we can't change the points,

{\an8}then maybe we can change what we do with the points.

{\an8}Yeah, we just need a brand-new system for judging humans in the afterlife.

{\an8}-We can do this, right? -Yeah.

{\an8}But in order to crack it, I think you know what needs to happen.

{\an8}There is literally only one person here

{\an8}who is smart enough and thoughtful enough to save humanity.

Fine. I'll do it.

Not you, dummy.

Designing a better afterlife is the ultimate ethical question.

Chidi spent his entire existence pondering the biggest questions.

He is brilliant and empathetic.

All he cares about is how best to treat other people and he is willing to sacrifice his own happiness to do it.

If we're gonna pull this off, we need Chidi back.

And he needs his memories.

You want to take the most indecisive man ever born, stuff him full of over 800 different versions of himself, and then tell him he has, like, what, 45 minutes to save humanity?

You think that will go well?

I don't know how it's gonna go, but he is our only chance.

And it is now or literally never.

Wake him up.

[beeps]

Not in this Janet. Next!

[sighs]