Home > The Good Place

Mondays, Am I Right?

-[Megan] Anything? -Nope. Nobody knows squat.

What the here is going on?

We haven't had any new humans to torture in a week.

-I miss it. -I know.

I got so desperate this morning, I tried flattening an eggplant.

It's just not the same.

Hey! Skin tags. Special meeting.

-About what? -I don't know.

Probably your dad's stinky sack.

[Steve and Megan laugh]

I hope it's not more sexual harassment training.

We just did that. And I'm already so good at it.

Whoa! All right! We got 'em.

Okay, here we go! [cackles]

Yeah. Uh, that's not exactly what's happening here.

The Bad Place is going to be changing, and I'm...

Well, I'm kind of your boss now.

He's joking, right?

I'm afraid he's not.

Things are changing.

Michael and I are actually going to be wor...

Wor... Wor...

Working... together.

Ugh! Oh, I hated that.

I hated saying it, hated how it felt, hated all of it. Ew!

You all have been hand-selected to be the very first Bad Place architects who will learn the new system.

Why do we need a new system?

Torture works. It's the way it's always been done.

With all due respect, "it's the way it's always been done," is an excuse that's been used for hundreds of years

-to justify racism, misogyny-- -[Steve] Exactly!

See? This chick gets it.

So, these computers have access

{\an8}to every file for every human currently in the Bad Place.

{\an8}And the three of us have a very important job.

{\an8}To find out which former US presidents were secretly gay.

{\an8}-No. -Okay, fine. Bi.

{\an8}Sure, but also,

{\an8}while Michael is trying to get the architects trained,

{\an8}we're supposed to find the first 1,000 humans to take the test.

{\an8}People who'll just sail right through it, so we can build confidence in the system.

{\an8}So, what are the criteria?

{\an8}Should it be people with the highest point totals,

{\an8}or overcame the greatest hardship?

{\an8}I think we just start with the gimmes.

{\an8}The very best people who ever lived, so...

{\an8}Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me,

{\an8}DJ Jazzy Jeff... [gasps] A genie so we could wish for infinity people...

{\an8}-Jason-- -Sure, throw me in there, too.

{\an8}Also, Fat Bastard, The World's Most Interesting Man,

{\an8}Pikachu, Karate Kid,

{\an8}Wendy from Wendy's, Grumpy Cat,

{\an8}and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive,.

{\an8}[sighs] Feels like a good stopping point.

{\an8}Let's call it a day. Come back fresh tomorrow.

{\an8}-Great job, everyone! -What--

{\an8}[Michael] Okay. Janet's passing out the file on Tahani Al-Jamil,

{\an8}who volunteered to be today's test subject.

{\an8}So, take a look and then we'll get going.

{\an8}[Tahani] They don't seem very enthused.

{\an8}This may be a tougher challenge than I thought.

{\an8}Like when I tried to teach Taylor Swift how to dance.

{\an8}The longest four years of my life.

{\an8}We're uprooting the entire Bad Place system,

{\an8}and these architects are set in their ways.

{\an8}It's gonna take a lot of work.

But the work is the fun part, guys.

So, no matter how long it takes, we'll see it through and usher in a better, brighter future.

Screw this. I'm not working for a traitor.

Phil out.

That's my name, Phil.

Oh, Phil. Hey. Come on, buddy.

I personally chose you based on your innovative work in the Performative Wokeness department.

Wow.

Way to mansplain my own department to me.

And I'm triggered.

[laughs]

Oh, man! What a legend!

-Ooh. Who you reading about? -Me.

I ruled on Earth.

I siphoned so much gas, Eleanor.

Even if the car was moving, or on fire, or a boat,

I still always got that gas.

Oh, man.

I never thought about the fact that we could look up our own files.

Yeah. I printed out all of ours.

-I love you, okay? -Oh.

The words are nice, but the tone is scary.

We're in love, and everything's great, and if we wanna keep it that way, you have to promise to never, ever, ever read my file.

Okay, if you don't want me to, then of course I won't, but nothing in there could ever change how I feel about you.

Eh. You say that now, but you don't know what I did on Halloween 2013.

What did you do on Halloween 2013?

Oh, I don't remember, but it must've been bad.

Because the next morning, I woke up in a large Rubbermaid container in some family's basement, and I'd barfed all over their old photo albums.

Yeah, see? That's the look we're trying to avoid here, bud.

I don't need to read your file.

I know you.

And I love you, and I can't wait to spend eternity with you.

I mean, obviously, we have a lot of work to do here, and then we both have to pass the test.

But, eventually, we're gonna be together forever.

You have to read my file right now.

What? I'm confused. Is this a game?

Is it a sex game, somehow?

I can't risk it.

What if we spend half of eternity together, and then, you find out something that does change the way you feel about me and then you resent me for wasting half your eternity?

No. It's better we just rip the Band-Aid off and you read about all the bad stuff now, when we're hot and heavy.

-Okay. I'll read your file. -Yeah.

Can I finish reading about Oskar Schindler first?

{\an8}That's who I gotta follow? The list guy? You and I are so screwed, dude.

After as many attempts as it takes, if your human passes the test

and proves that they deserve to go to the Good Place,

you'll hear this sound.

Good Place, here I come.

This new system is great!

Who do we have to thank for effortlessly...

implementing it?

Whoever it is, I think we can all agree it was a home run.

It was me. Okay. Bye, everyone.

Sweet Hitler's hairpiece!

Is this movie finally over?

-It's basically over. Just one little-- -[music playing]

♪ It's simply the test ♪

♪ Better than other tests ♪

-I think we just... -Okay. So, thoughts?

Yeah. This all sounds so lame.

No, it's the current system that's lame.

It's so basic.

You get a human's file, and let's be honest, you never even read it.

You just skip to the "fears and phobias" section and use that to torture them.

Fear of snakes? Throw 'em in a snake pit.

Worried something's gonna happen to your normal, cylindrical penis?

Flatten it.

This new way allows you to test their specific psychological flaws and weaknesses.

And trust us, they have plenty.

-Hey! -Sorry. I'm in selling mode.

Guys, this is your chance to be part of a bold, new future.

Are you telling me there's not one single demon who wants to design the very first sample test of this new system?

Oh, there is.

And she's a stone-cold fox.

Vicky, what are you doing here?

Relax. I heard about the new system. I love it, and I wanna be a part of it.

Forgive me if I'm a little skeptical, given that you did once try to sabotage my entire neighborhood.

Look. After you blew me into goo,

I had a lot of time to think while my goo was reforming.

If things are gonna change, then I have to change along with them.

And sure, change can be scary, but... I'm an artist, which means, it's my job to be scared.

-[scoffs] -[Michael] All right, fine, take a seat.

Janet'll give you Tahani's file.

Oh, no. I don't need her file.

I know Tahani very well.

Self-obsessed, family issues, way too into being tall.

[Tahani] Typical Vicky, throwing shade.

But it doesn't matter, 'cause I'm casting it.

Because I'm closer to the sun.

I'm tall.

Oh, no. I knew it. You hate me now.

What did it? That time I was subpoenaed by the Make-A-Wish Foundation?

-No. -Oh, I know what it was.

In my defense, I didn't realize he was my boyfriend's twin until halfway into hooking up with him, and at that point, you know, it's a sunk cost.

[Chidi] I don't hate you at all.

I mean, you were dealt a pretty tough hand.

You essentially had to raise yourself, but you were still more confident and self-possessed at 13 than I ever was.

I mean, seeing your whole life all laid out like this, it's...

It's remarkable.

Okay, so you still love me.

You're still horny for me, blah, blah, blah...

Then, what's wrong?

I'm not good enough for you!

I mean... Look at my file.

It is one-tenth as long as yours, because I did nothing with my life.

Yeah, we're very different, but we already knew that.

-Why are you freaking out? -[sighs]

You're cool, confident Chidi now, remember?

I am confident about my feelings for you.

I am also confident that I am a damn drip, and you deserve to be with someone who's not.

Like Nicolas, that fireman that you dated back in 2009?

He rescued people from burning buildings, and he was so hot!

Oh, Nicolas the fireman...

Mmm.

Nicolas.

[inhales sharply] I can't argue with you on that one, but...

I love you.

There's no one else I wanna be with.

At least, not forever.

I mean, if Frida Kahlo wants to make out with me in heaven then you and I are gonna have a conversation, but if you read my file and you're good, then we're good.

Unless there's something in your file that would freak me out, like you kept out a library book past the due date. [laughs]

What-- I moved!

It got buried in the bottom of a box.

I put the library in my will to make up for it.

No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Relax.

Let's get back to work.

Now, when I press this lever,

Tahani will enter the scenario that Megan has designed that will test her ethical decision-making.

Obviously, in the real test, the humans won't know they're being tested, but this should be a good practice run.

Everyone ready?

Hors d'oeuvre?

Why, yes. Thank you.

-[chainsaws whirring] -Chainsaw bear!

Okay, so, couple of things.

We're not using chainsaw bears anymore, remember?

Right. Okay. Yeah.

-What else? -It was mainly that one thing.

Why don't you try again?

And remember that the challenges your test subject faces should be smaller and more relatable.

Okay.

Hors d'oeuvre? It's salmon crudités.

Is it farm-raised salmon?

'Cause I prefer to support sustainable fishing.

{\an8}[clears throat] Mondays, am I right?

{\an8}-[chainsaws whirring] -Chainsaw!

[Megan] You said "smaller and more relatable."

The bear is smaller, humans hate Mondays and love bacon.

What do you want from me?

[Vicky] Michael, can I try?

I can show them what you're trying to do.

Fine, Vicky, go ahead.

Now, first, I need to get into Tahani's headspace.

[in English accent] Hello, love.

Pish-posh, tuna and pickles.

I once played billiards with Questlove and Olivia Munn.

[in normal voice] Yeah, there she is.

Okay, just give me a second. [clears throat]

Ooh. [sighs]

Just finished reading up about James Buchanan.

Definitely at least a little bi. I'm gonna put him in the maybe pile.

[grunts softly] I want nachos. Is there a snack bar here?

What's going on, dawg?

I know you're upset. You have a tell.

-I do? -Yeah.

You told Eleanor before that you were upset, and I think you still are.

[sighs] Looking at Eleanor's life made me realize how different we are.

If the system works, and we both pass our tests,

I don't see any version of eternity where she doesn't get bored of me.

I mean, my fake heaven was a 600 square-foot apartment that was essentially a bookcase and a toilet... and I loved it.

So what? It's cool that you guys are so different.

Sometimes, two people who have nothing in common get together, and it rules. Opposites attract.

Well, you need that to be true because you're dating Janet.

[chuckles]

Ultimate opposites.

So, what, are you saying... Janet might get bored of me?

No, that's not... I'm sorry. I didn't mean...

Man... Oh, no.

No, Jason. Come back, I...

[groans]

I wish I were back in my toilet library.

And places, and... action.

Can you believe we're still having this dinner for Kamilah?

So embarrassing.

[Georges] She doesn't know this yet, but I heard that the reviews for her new album are going to be dreadful.

The rumor is that the label is going to drop her.

I heard she may have to fly home coach and "check a bag,"

-whatever that means. -[both chuckle]

-[glass clinking] -[Manisha] Thank you, everyone, for coming to celebrate our daughter Kamilah.

I know you're all very busy these days.

Just look at our other daughter, Tahani.

She had to come straight from the gym. [laughs]

Would anyone like to say a few words of praise about Kamilah's latest album, or any other aspect of Kamilah?

There are so many to celebrate.

[Kamilah] Perhaps Tahani should speak.

She's had her share of failures recently. Celebrating me could be therapeutic.

Certainly. I can say something... but I have no idea what.

Goodness, this is hard.

Well done, Vicky. That was quite good... for the system.

For me, it was rather traumatic.

Okay. It's like her parents were the chainsaw bear, but instead of chopping off her head, they chopped off her self-esteem?

Yes! Megan, good.

Take what you know about them, and then force them into moments of personal difficulty.

Think of it as, flattening the penises of their heart.

Oh! Now it makes sense.

Why don't you go deeper into her file and look for other ways to challenge her?

No. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Slow down. Slow down, here.

Vicky's example was fine.

There was some good stuff there.

But overall... uh, C-plus. It was a C-plus, I'd say.

There's some problems with it.

Some technical issues that only I can see and everything, so, basically, it actually kinda stunk.

So, I think it's just best if you leave, Vicky.

This is not working. You're bad at this.

C-plus. Okay, goodbye.

Wow. Same old Michael, just can't share the spotlight.

Well, goodbye, everyone.

That's a wrap on Vicky.

[Janet] Michael, why did you fire Vicky?

Look, I know she did well on the first test.

But it's beginners' luck. There's an X factor here.

Uh, a secret sauce that only I truly know how to... pour over the juicy steak of this process.

I've never said this before, but... what?

[Tahani] Not only is Vicky good at test design, but she's good at teaching the others.

Well, that's the problem. She's moving too fast.

We have to learn how to walk before we can run.

So first you thought it would take forever, and now it's moving too fast.

First of all, you know, uh, shut up.

And second of all, just shut up.

-[gasps] -It's obvious what's going on here.

You don't want your nemesis to be the one to solve your problem.

I know that feeling.

Once on Earth, I didn't know something, and I had to ask Alexa.

I felt dirty.

No, that's not it.

I'm upset, because for hundreds of years, I've had a job.

First, it was finding a better way to torture humans, then helping them, then proving the system was broken, then teaching the demons.

I had to roll a rock up a hill, over and over.

And then it kept rolling down, so I had to do it again.

And then Vicky comes along with this... like, rock-lifter thing, and just lifts it to the top of the hill.

Pushing the rock up the hill gave me a purpose.

Who am I... if the rock's gone?

Ironically, that's exactly what Vin Diesel asked me when Dwayne Johnson refused to appear in Fast & Furious 9.

Not helpful? Copy that.

Honestly, Michael, I don't know what's to become of you, or any of us.

But getting Vicky back is the best chance to make your plan work now.

So focus on that, and deal with the future in the future.

Hey...

Um...

I'm sorry I said that before, man.

No, you were right.

Janet and I are different. Maybe it can't last.

Maybe we're like the Montagues and Capulets.

How do you know that?

I read some books, man! Jeez.

[sighs] All right, listen.

Maybe on paper, you and Janet don't make total sense, but who cares?

The relationship you have built together is wonderful.

She knows you and loves you, and that's all that matters.

-Do you really believe that? -Of course I do.

[laughs] Sucker!

-Sorry? -I got you so bad.

Dude, pretend what you just said was what you said to you instead of to me.

And you have to listen to yourself, because it was already in your own head, and then came out.

But just put it back in your head, and realize that it was you talking about you and Eleanor.

Against all odds, I know what you mean, and I gotta give it up. That was...

-That was good. -Yeah, it was.

Chess-mate.

[laughing]

Hey!

There she is.

-Where are you off to? -I have an ice-cold yoga class.

-It's amazing. You pull so many muscles. -Yeah.

What do you want?

[sighs]

I'm sorry that I kicked you out.

It wasn't about you.

It was just my own insecurities getting in the way.

Will you please come back?

No.

I'm not gonna let myself be degraded by you again.

I am a strong, independent acid snake in the skinsuit of a strong, independent woman.

Listen, listen, listen. Uh...

You were the best part of my original neighborhood.

I took you for granted, and that was wrong.

But now, I want to give you the role of a lifetime.

You're going to run the whole project.

I'll give you all my plans and my notes, but then I'll step back and you'll take over.

Full creative control... like a director.

-What do you say? -Well, um...

It sounds great.

But it won't work.

Everyone here hates you so much, if you just put me in control, they'll think I'm your puppet.

I can't have any of your dingleberry stank on me.

I know. That's why I'm not giving it to you.

You're going to take it.

[Chidi] Hey.

So, uh, I was being stupid, and Jason gave me some really good advice.

[chuckles] Classic us.

Look, who we were on Earth is a tiny part of who we are, and an even smaller part of who we are together.

So, I'm sorry for freaking out.

But also, someday, when we get to the Good Place,

I'm gonna learn to play the guitar so you don't get bored of me.

I actually prefer drummers.

Read my file.

Sorry for the delay.

Now, for this next phase of the training--

-Stop right there. -Vicky? I thought I got rid of you.

And now you're coming through the door unexpectedly?

That's right. I'm launching a coup.

My, my, my, we've got some history, don't we?

But I'm still standing, Mikey-boy.

And right now, I'm taking over.

Explain what you mean, for me and everyone else.

Oh, this is my training now. You're done.

And all of these demons are behind me, right, guys?

-[demons agreeing] -All right, Vicky. You win... this time.

-Tahani, Janet, let's go. -[Janet] Huh.

Well, no, but wait... Wait, we're still fighting.

And it's so heated that, um, it might just erupt into... the dance battle from West Side Story?

No, I'm too upset about the coup thing.

Hurry up. Before she starts singing.

{\an8}[Vicky] Welcome! Welcome, everyone! Come on in.

Good Place architects to my left, Bad Place architects to my right.

Get your files and orientation packets. Classes begin in 30 minutes.

Oh, also, my Movement for Lava Monsters class is now full.

Aw, man!

You got the rock up the hill, and it looks like it's gonna stay there.

Now, we just have to find your next rock.

Well, the first bunch of neighborhoods is up and running.

What now?

That's the sound when someone gets into the Good Place.

Who was it? Prince? It's gotta be Prince.

Honestly, if it wasn't Prince, this whole thing is screwed up and we gotta start over.

No. It's you guys.

For real?

The Judge agreed that the four of you don't need to take the test.

Turns out that saving every soul in the universe is worth a few points.

-You're in. -[all laughing and cheering]

{\an8}No, I know. I know. It's real this time.

{\an8}I promise.

{\an8}Get in.

{\an8}Are you coming, too?

{\an8}Yeah. I figured I would.

{\an8}Recently unemployed. Might as well do some traveling. [chuckles]

{\an8}Shall we?

{\an8}-[Eleanor sighs] -[Chidi] Whoa!

[Jason] Foles!