Home > The Good Place

Patty

[Tahani] We're finally headed to the Good Place.

It's the "me" of places.

I got in. I can say stuff like that again.

Are you sure we're going the right way, Janet?

Well, I've never been to the Good Place before.

But, yes, I am sure.

How?

Because... it feels like I'm on my way home.

[Jason] Flying puppy!

You're almost there. Just a little further.

[Michael] Flying puppies?

Dang it, Michael.

Why didn't you think of that for your neighborhood?

These guys are good.

[Tahani] I feel just like Dorothy when she lands in Oz,

{\an8}excited, incredulous,

{\an8}much taller than everyone else around me.

{\an8}What's everyone wanna do first?

{\an8}Racing go-karts with monkeys.

{\an8}Sure.

{\an8}It's my lifelong dream.

{\an8}Monkeys are the ideal go-kart opponents.

{\an8}They're funny enough to give the finger, but not smart enough to win.

{\an8}-[Janet] Does that mean me? -You're a Good Janet.

{\an8}We're in the Good Place. I don't know who else it would mean.

{\an8}Okay. No pressure.

{\an8}I was born to do this. Not born.

{\an8}Okay.

{\an8}So, I now know all the information about the Good Place.

{\an8}In a nutshell, it slaps.

{\an8}First thing to tell you,

{\an8}humans can't see the Good Place all at once or their brains will be scrambled.

{\an8}Cool. Maybe I'll finally get some of those squigglies on my brain.

{\an8}Doctors said my brain's as smooth as an egg.

{\an8}You all need to wait out here for a bit, so you can adjust.

{\an8}When you're ready, you will be honored with a welcome gala,

{\an8}magically planned by the Good Place, based on your personalities.

{\an8}Like the targeted Instagram ad of parties.

{\an8}You know, I bought the coolest sunglasses from one of those ads.

Look.

-[Jason] Whoa! -[gasps]

-It's like I'm inside the Internet. -[Tahani and Chidi chuckle]

[Michael] Okay.

Could we just keep moving?

You look a little pale.

Did you get sick from the hot air balloon?

I bet if you throw up it'll just be butterflies or something.

[Michael] I'm fine.

I just, um...

I don't belong here.

There's no telling what will happen to a demon who steps foot in this place.

Promise me, if I'm vaporized, you guys just keep having fun.

[bell chimes]

Oh, my goodness, that chime is so soothing.

Feels like my brain is being massaged...

-[Tahani and Chidi] ...by a baby deer. -[Michael] Oh, boy.

What if that's some sort of demon alarm, to alert the cops that I'm here?

-You want me to hold your weed? -I don't have weed.

Oh...

Wait a minute.

Oh, yeah, okay, now, I do.

Take this.

[Janet] They're ready for you to move inside.

The Good Place Committee is waiting for us.

{\an8}[Eleanor] Oh, man, look at this place.

{\an8}Karlie Kloss did like me.

{\an8}I knew it.

{\an8}-So, about this party... -[Janet] Yeah.

{\an8}Is everyone in the Good Place invited?

{\an8}Like, is Aristotle going to be there?

Sorry, Chidi, Aristotle's in the Bad Place. He defended slavery.

-Socrates? -[Janet] No.

Too annoying. Very loud chewer.

-Plato? -Slavery again.

Ooh, you know who is here?

Hypatia of Alexandria. Do you know her?

Hypatia?

-Of Alexandria? -That's right.

Uh, yeah, I know her.

[muffled screaming]

Hypatia. I'm gonna ask her so many questions pertaining to grand ideas about the universe.

Like... "Why?"

Oh, oh, and also... "How?"

Ooh!

Welcome to the Good Place, everyone.

[Drew] Michael, so happy you made it.

You look radiant.

You have the calming yet authoritative presence of a bomb-sniffing dog.

I'd just like to say thank you so much for letting me be here with my friends.

I know it's unorthodox for someone like myself to visit the Good Place, but it's just so wonderful.

And I don't have any weed on me, so no need for the cops. [laughs]

Michael, Michael, you and your friends are heroes, and you're more than welcome here.

In fact, we have some very exciting news.

While the rest of you get settled in, we wanna give Michael a swearing-in ceremony, so he can become an official Good Place architect.

[Eleanor gasps]

Oh, my goodness.

Michael, please, follow us.

[bell chimes]

Holy fork, that is a soothing chime.

It really is the most incredible chime I've ever heard.

And that is coming from someone whose godfather is the most famous clock in the world.

-Is Big Ben somehow your godfather? -Mmm-hmm.

That sound means... it's party time.

When you walk through, the event space will transform into a party perfectly tailored to your essences.

Let's link arms and walk through together.

Weird.

[Jason] Whoa!

This is the Jacksonville SuperSuites hotel ballroom where I had my prom and also traffic court.

But this has to be my party, because that's the bedpan that Stone Cold Steve Austin used to beat up Vince McMahon in 1998. [gasps]

It was a classic moment. Don't judge me.

I'm so sorry, guys.

The Good Place uses your life experiences to plan the perfect party, but it's only designed for one person at a time.

When you walked in as a group, it became...

A mish-mash of all four of us.

[sighs contentedly]

It's perfect.

Um, no, it's not, Eleanor, because there's no go-kart track, and no monkeys.

No offense, but you're being a real smooth-brain right now.

See those green doors?

You can use them to visit any time or place, real or imagined.

Just think about where you wanna go, and what you wanna do, and walk on through.

So, one could walk amongst the dinosaurs, or witness the very first production of Hamlet at the Globe Theater.

I'mma go Tokyo Drift with monkeys. See you in a thousand years.

Do you mind if I go find Hypatia?

I promise it's strictly platonic.

-Technically, Neoplatonic. [laughs] -Whoops.

Forget I made that joke and come with me. I'm so nervous to meet her.

I need someone cool there to change the subject if I say something dumb.

Sure. Gimme one sec.

Hey, Tahani, this room is filled with some of the most interesting people that ever lived.

Chat them up, learn about their lives, then meet back here so that we can make fun of them.

Eleanor Shellstrop, I have been training for this day my entire life.

I'm so honored by this gesture.

This feels right. This will be my new purpose.

Everything's falling into place.

Great. Let's get to it. Just put on this ceremonial robe.

[Michael chuckles]

[Drew] Boy, do you have the shoulders for a robe.

-Oh. -Just sign this scroll.

I've never signed my name before.

What signature type to choose?

"Doctor Blob." Or, no...

"Athlete who doesn't really care about the kid."

Oh, wait, no...

"Middle school girl with crush on Zac Efron."

That way, I can put a little heart over the "I."

Perfect. And here is your official medal.

Now I know what Mary Lou Retton feels like.

And great.

Now, you are officially in charge of the Good Place.

-I'm sorry, "in charge"? -Yup. You're the boss now.

That was all legally binding, and we all quit, effective immediately.

That is irreversible, so it's all your problem now.

Don't try to find us. No take-backs, okay, bye-bye!

Hurry, move, move! Go, go, go!

Hello? Fellow Good Placemen?

Anyone in here?

"Ideas for improving the Good Place." Oh.

"Music you can eat."

Oh, boy.

"Giant mini-donuts, not just regular donuts.

Dave will explain."

Dave? Can you explain?

Um, hi, are you... are you Hypatia of Alexandria?

Yep. How's it hangin'?

It's hangin' really well.

Um, I gotta say, I was expecting you to be, still, you know... ancient Greek.

Oh! Well, no, we sort of stay current in this place.

What are the big things from Earth recently?

Um, the Industrial Revolution, Manhattan Project, "Gangnam Style..."

I feel like I get it.

-It's really her! -Yeah.

I can just tell, somehow. It's Hypatia of Alexandria.

I know, babe. Yes, it is.

Hi, sorry, I'm Eleanor. This exuberant weirdo is Chidi.

We're new in town.

First question, how do you get the "of" in your name?

Is it where you hung out the most?

Am I Eleanor of the Cheesecake Factory Bar?

Also, is it "Hy-pay-sha" or "Hy-pat-ia"?

Or in the ancient Greek, "Who-put-tia"? There's a lot of fun debate about this.

You know what? Just call me Patty.

Okay. Well, Patty, I'm a huge fan.

I had a poster of you on my wall in high school.

Actually, it was just a poster of Trinity from The Matrix.

But that's how I imagined you would look. Because you're so cool.

Is she the reason you got beat up so much?

She's one of them!

Wanna get a milkshake?

I haven't been around newbies in a while. You're a little intense.

Let's get a milkshake. Yeah.

They make a milkshake here that's made out of actual stardust.

It's pretty good.

Okay. Yeah. Getting milkshakes with Patty.

Yeah. [chuckles]

But can I ask you some questions first?

You were a follower of Plotinus, who claimed that contemplation of our ultimate reality--

Wait, wait, wait, are you...

What's it called, a think-book-man? Um...

A think-read-book-man?

A philosopher? Yes.

Sorry, it's been so long, my brain is foggy.

Listen carefully before I forget how to say this.

You gotta help us. We are so screwed.

We are?

Hello! I'm Tahani Al-Jamil.

I'm Paltibaal. Welcome to paradise.

So, what's your story?

Did you cure something? Or invent something?

I helped the poor in ancient Phoenicia.

Excellent.

I once had a SoulCycle instructor named Phoenicia.

How did you die?

I got a cut on my hand.

The year was 2491 BC, so that's pretty much all it took.

You got a cut or you drank water that wasn't hot enough, and then, boom, dead.

I would've killed for a vaccine.

Any vaccine.

It's crazy that you guys just don't like them now.

So, what's your favorite part about living here?

[Paltibaal] I mean, it's perfect.

We're all having orgasms literally all the time.

I died a virgin, so that's real crazy.

Okay.

It's so nice to get to work alongside another Good Janet!

Yes, it is.

Janet, can I get a Coke?

No, a water.

No, a lamp.

No, a cat.

So, people just ask you for things with no rhyme or reason?

Yes! And then I get them for them. It's great.

Can I get a spaceship?

No, one huge Junior Mint.

No, a Coke.

Wow! This milkshake is incredible.

Right? This is how I spend most of my time.

Sitting in beautiful places, drinking my milkshake, slowly peeing into my pants, which instantly evaporates and leaves no trace.

-Sounds fun. -[Patty] Mmm.

But didn't you want to tell us how we're all screwed?

Ah! Damn it.

This is the exact problem.

On paper, this is paradise.

All of your desires and needs are met.

But it's infinite.

And when perfection goes on forever, you become this glassy-eyed, mush person.

But... no, because... no.

Because... Patty, no!

Yes, I'm telling you. I used to be cool, man.

I studied so much... things!

Art and music, and, uh... the one with the number... piles?

Where I'd be like, "Two!" And you'd be like, "Six!"

-Math? -Yes.

And then I came here, where time stretched out forever, and every second of my existence was amazing, but my brain became this big dumb blob.

So, we finally make it into the Good Place, and now we're just going to become zombies?

Why haven't you told anyone about this?

-About what? -Dude.

Damn it!

We have to find the others, right now.

-Look, there's math on my shirt. -Come on.

[Patty] Is it an "S" or a math?

Have you seen Eleanor and Chidi?

There's something very wrong with this party.

And it's not just that the caviar is being served on top of Jell-O shots.

We are the first new people here in 500 years, and no one seems to care.

I know, even the Good Janets are kinda weird.

They're like, "Hi, there!"

When I do it, it's cool, but when they do it, it's lame.

Hey, guys. Having fun? Great. So, little update.

Um, the Good Place is a disaster.

Everyone here is a happiness zombie, and no one is doing anything about it, because by the time they realize it's happening, everyone is too far gone to care.

Oh, dear!

Oh, hello, I'm Tahani.

Hi, I'm Milkshake. Do you want a milkshake?

Okay. We need to tell someone before we're too zonked out to remember why we're here.

We need to find the Committee.

The Committee is me. I am Committee. It me.

What?

They tricked me, and put me in charge of the Good Place, and then literally ran away.

And then what happened, the Sorting Hat put you in Hufflepuff? Roasted.

Come on, I know we have problems, but you can't expect me to ignore this.

-Hang on. We're in paradise. -[monkeys chattering]

Surely some people here are enjoying themselves.

Hey, guys. I'm back.

Go-karting with monkeys got boring really fast.

It did?

-[Chidi] Damn it. -[Eleanor] Oh, no!

Jason, your lifelong dream got old that quickly?

I mean, monkeys in go-karts was fun for a while.

Then I was like,

"You know what would be cool? Hippos in go-karts!"

And I was like, "Yo, what about Draculas with jet-packs?"

I did 50 combos, and then I just kinda wanted to hang out with you guys again.

Okay, that's it, in a nutshell.

'Cause you get here and you realize that anything is possible and you do everything and then you're done.

But you still have infinity left.

This place kills fun, and passion, and excitement and love, till all you have left are milkshakes.

The Good Place Committee obviously knew about this.

Why didn't they try and solve it?

They did. They tried everything.

Just last week they made the unicorns bigger, and then they gave them more horns, and then they made them chubbier.

I mean, really, they just made a bunch of weird, fluffy rhinos.

The Committee members aren't human, so they couldn't understand the problem.

The second I showed up, they jumped off this sinking ship and made me captain.

Well, I'm not giving up.

We worked too hard and went through too much.

I'm not gonna just sit back and turn into some slack-jawed, sweatpant-wearing orgasm machine!

Oh, my God!

I'm describing my dream existence like it's bad.

What is wrong with this place?

We just redesigned this system, and soon millions of people are going to start pouring in, thinking they're in paradise, only to become a joyless husk.

It's Coachella! We've invented Cosmic Coachella!

Oh, we have to fix this.

What if we do what I did to you in the original neighborhood?

Erase their memory every once in a while.

That way, paradise would seem fresh and new.

You were doing that to torture us.

Actual paradise can't use the same playbook as hell.

Okay, well, I have a solution.

Remember what I said to you, when you were going through your

"midlife crisis, one earring, red convertible" phase?

-"You look so stupid"? -After that.

You said that, "Every human is a little bit sad all the time because you know you're gonna die.

But that knowledge is what gives life meaning."

The way to restore meaning to the people in the Good Place is to let them leave.

Leave and go where? This is the last...

Oh.

Can we just do that?

You're the head of the Good Place now.

Seems to me you can do whatever you want.

[Eleanor] Where is Michael?

[chuckles] Okay.

[laughs]

Nothing to do but announce the big change.

Whatever happens, it's cool, my babies. It's very cool.

Did you smoke that weed, bud?

[Michael laughs]

I did.

I was kinda freaked out, so I smoked some grass, but now I'm great.

Let's change the afterlife, and then...

-Taco Bell. -[Eleanor exclaims]

Oh, baby!

Okay, I'm gonna do the talking.

[clears throat] Hi, everyone. Can I have your attention, please?

Hi, my name's Eleanor Shellstrop.

Hope you're having fun at our Flor-izona British Library Extravaganza.

I guess you don't really have fun anywhere, which is the point.

It doesn't seem like this is paradise for you.

You've basically been on a never-ending vacation, and vacations are only special because they end.

[Chidi] So, we have an idea.

We're going to set up a new kind of door, um, somewhere peaceful.

So that when you feel happy, and satisfied and complete and you want to leave the Good Place for good, you can just walk through it and your time in the universe will end.

You don't have to go through it, if you don't want to, but you can.

And hopefully, knowing you don't have to be here forever will help you feel happier while you are.

What will happen when we go through it?

Well, we don't really know, exactly.

All we know is it will be peaceful, and your journey will be over.

[Michael] You led great lives.

You earned your place here.

So, stay here as long as you like.

Use the green doors to see and do every single thing you want to see and do.

And when you're ready, walk through one last door and be at peace.

Does that sound good?

[crowd cheering]

Seems like they're into it.

[dance music playing]

It's DJ Music, make some noise!

That's my boyfriend.

I'm glad we'll be able to enjoy things again.

-Art, math, philosophy, like you used to. -Yeah, me, too.

I've been dreaming of ending the ennui of this eternal existence for a long time.

But now, I think I'll stick around for a while.

It felt good to make brain words.

Still mushy. I'll get it back.

We're lucky we ran into you.

It saved us.

That's not what saved you.

-Hey! -[Jason] Hey!

-It was your friendships. -Yeah, no, I got it.

Sorry. Still not sharp.

[Michael] Kept most of it the same.

Even made myself an office nearby.

Jason, I... I kinda took a wild guess...

[Jason] I finally get to accomplish my goal of living in a Stupid Nick's!

I know anything you do for eternity gets boring,

{\an8}but I swear, I will never get sick of wings.

{\an8}Well, I'll see you all tomorrow.

{\an8}And every tomorrow after that.

{\an8}You know, Michael, at the end of the day, you were right.

{\an8}Everything is fine.

{\an8}[chuckles softly]

[Chidi] This is what we've been looking for since the day we met... time.

I guess that's what the Good Place really is.

It's not even a "place," really.

It's just having enough time with the people you love.

You're right.

And we have as long as we want.

If you keep hogging this blanket,

I'm probably gonna walk through that door in three days, though.

[chuckles]

-[Chidi] I'll miss you. -[Eleanor laughs]