Home > Monty Python's Flying Circus

How to Recognize Different Types of Trees from Quite a Long Way Away

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[LION ROARS]

It's...

ANNOUNCER: Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER [READING]:

The larch.

The larch.

Mr. Larch, you heard the case for the prosecution.

Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence?

Well, I'd just like to say, my lord, that I've, uh--

I've got a family, a wife and six kids, and I hope very much you don't have to take away my freedom because--

Well, because, my lord, freedom is a state much prized within the realm of civilized society.

It is a bond wherewith the savage man may charm the outward hatchments of his soul and soothe the troubled breast into a magnitude of quiet.

It is most precious as a blessed balm, the savior of princes, the harbinger of happiness, yea, the very stuff and pith of all we hold most dear.

What frees the prisoner in his lonely cell chained within the bondage of rude walls, far from the owl of Thebes?

What fires and stirs the woodcock in his springe, or wakes the drowsy apricot betide?

What goddess doth the storm-tossed mariner offer most tempestuous prayers to?

Freedom!

Freedom!

Freedom.

It's only a bloody parking offense.

I'm sorry I'm late, my lord. I couldn't find a kosher car park.

Uh, don't bother to recap, my lord.

I'll pick it up as we go along.

Call Mrs. Fiona Lewis.

CLERK: Call Mrs. Fiona Lewis.

I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So anyway, I said to--

I said to her-- I said, "They can't afford that on what he earns."

I mean, for a start, the feathers get up your nose.

I ask you, four and six a pound, and him with a wooden leg?

I don't know how she puts up with it after all the trouble she's had with her you-know-what.

Anyway, it was a white wedding, much to everyone's surprise.

'Course they bought everything on-the-hire purchase.

I think they ought to send them back where they come from.

I mean, you've got to be cruel to be kind.

So Mrs. Harris said-- So she said-- She said-- She said,

"The dead crab," she said. She said--

Well, her sister's gone to Rhodesia, what with her womb and all, and her youngest--

Her youngest as thin as a filing cabinet.

And the goldfish. The goldfish. They've got whooping cough.

They keep spitting water.

Well, they do, don't they? I mean, you can't, can you?

I mean, they're not even married or anything, they're not even divorced.

And he's in the KGB, if you ask me.

He says he's a tree surgeon, but I don't like the sound of his liver.

All that squeakin' and banging every night till the small hours. What is--?

Well, his mother's been much better since she had her head off.

Yes, she has. I said, "Don't you talk to me about that--"

"Don't you talk to me about bladders," I said.

Mr. Bartlett, I fail to see the relevance of your last witness.

Uh, my next witness will explain that if my lordship will allow.

I call the late Arthur Aldridge.

The late Arthur Aldridge.

The late Arthur Aldridge?

Yes, my lord.

Mr. Bartlett, do you think there is any real relevance in questioning the deceased?

Uh, I beg your pardon, my lord?

Well, I mean, your witness is dead.

Uh, yes, my lord.

Uh, well, uh, virtually, my lord.

He's not completely dead?

No, he's not completely dead, my lord. No.

But he's not at all well.

But-- But if he's not dead, what's he doing in a coffin?

Uh, it's purely a precaution, my lord. If I may continue?

Uh, Mr. Aldridge, uh, you were a--

You are a stockbroker of 10 Savundra Close, Wimbledon?

[KNOCKS ONCE]

-Mr. Aldridge-- -What was that knock?

Uh, it means yes, my lord.

One knock for yes, and two knocks for no. If I may continue?

Uh, Mr. Aldridge, would it be, uh, fair to say that you are not at all well?

[KNOCKS ONCE]

In fact, Mr. Aldridge, not to put too fine a point on it, would you be prepared to say that you are, as it were, what is generally known as, in a manner of speaking, dead?

Mr. Aldridge, I put it to you that you are dead.

A-ha!

Where is all this leading us?

Uh, that will become apparent in one moment, my lord.

Mr. Aldridge, are you considering the question, or are you just dead?

I think I'd better take a look, my lord.

No further questions, my lord, ahem.

What do you mean, "No further questions"?

You can't dump a dead body in my court and say,

"No further questions."

I demand an explanation.

There are no easy answers in this case, my lord.

I think you haven't got the slightest idea what this case is about.

My lord, uh, the-- the-- these strange, damnable, almost diabolic threads of this extraordinary, tangled web of intrigue will shortly, my lord, reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous--

Mr. Bartlett, your client has already pleaded guilty to the parking offense.

Parking offense, "schmarking" offense, my lord.

We must leave no stone unturned.

Call Cardinal Richelieu.

You're just trying to string this case out.

Cardinal Richelieu?

A character witness, my lord.

[TRUMPETS PLAY]

Hello, everyone.

It's wonderful to be here, you know.

I just love your country.

London is so beautiful at this time of year.

Uh, you are Cardinal Armand du Plessis de Richelieu, first minister of Louis XIII?

Oui.

Cardinal, uh, would it be fair to say that you not only built up the centralized monarchy in France but also perpetuated the religious schism in Europe?

That's what they say.

And did you persecute the Huguenots?

Oui.

And did you take even sterner measures against the great Catholic nobles who made common cause with foreign foes in defense of their feudal independence?

I sure did that thing.

Cardinal, are you acquainted with the defendant, Harold Larch?

Since I was so high.

Speaking as a Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church, as first minister of Louis XIII, and as one of the architects of the modern world already, would you say that Harold Larch was a man of good character?

Listen, Harry is a very wonderful human being.

My lord, in view of the impeccable nature of this character witness, may I plead for clemency?

Look, it's only 30 shillings.

Not so fast.

Why not?

Uh-- Uh...

None of your smart answers.

You think you're so clever. Well, I'm Dim.

ALL: Dim. Consternation. Uproar.

Yes, and I've a few questions I'd like to ask

Cardinal so-called Richelieu.

Bonjour, Monsieur Dim.

So-called Cardinal,

I put it to you that you died... in December 1642.

That is correct.

A-ha! He fell for my little trap.

[APPLAUSE]

Curse you, Inspector Dim.

You are too clever for us naughty people.

And furthermore,

I suggest that you are none other than Ron Higgins, professional Cardinal Richelieu impersonator.

It's a fair cop.

My life, you're clever, Dim.

He'd certainly taken me in.

It's all in a day's work.

Oh, with a brilliant mind like yours, Dim, you could be something other than a policeman.

-Yes. -What?

[PIANO PLAYS]

♪ If I were not in the CID ♪

♪ Something else I'd like to be ♪

♪ If I were not in the CID ♪

♪ A window cleaner, me ♪

♪ With a rub-a-dub-dub And a scrub-a-dub-dub ♪

♪ And a rub-a-dub all day long ♪

♪ With a rub-a-dub-dub And a scrub-a-dub-dub ♪

♪ I'd sing this merry song ♪

ALL: ♪ If I were not in the CID ♪

♪ Something else I'd like to be ♪

♪ If I were not in the CID ♪

♪ A window cleaner, me ♪

♪ With a rub-a-dub-dub And a scrub-a-dub-dub ♪

♪ And a rub-a-dub all day long ♪

♪ With a scrub-a-dub-dub And a rub-a-dub-dub ♪

♪ I'd sing this merry song Hey ♪

COUNSEL: ♪ If I were not before the bar ♪

♪ Something else I'd like to be ♪

♪ If I were not a barrister ♪

♪ An engine driver, me ♪

♪ With a chuff, chuff, chuff And a chuff, chuff, chuff ♪

Chuff...

[CLEARS THROAT]

ANNOUNCER [READING]:

The larch.

The larch.

ANNOUNCER: This man is no ordinary man.

This is Mr. F. G. Superman.

To all appearances,

no different from any other law-abiding citizen.

But Mr. F. G. Superman has a secret identity.

When trouble strikes at any time, at any place,

he is ready to become...

Bicycle Repairman.

[WHISTLING]

Whoa!

BOY: Hey!

There's a bicycle broken. Up the road.

BICYCLE REPAIRMAN: Hm. Thinks.

This sounds like a job for Bicycle Repairman.

But how to change without revealing my secret identity?

If only Bicycle Repairman were here.

Oh, yes.

Wait.

I think I know where I can find him.

Look.

Over there.

BOTH: Bicycle Repairman?

But how?

L-look.

Is it a stockbroker?

Is it a quantity surveyor?

Is it a church warden?

ALL: No! It's Bicycle Repairman!

Why, Bicycle Repairman.

Thank goodness you've come.

Look.

[♪]

Why, he's mending it with his own hands.

See how he uses a spanner to tighten that nut?

ALL: Whoa!

Bicycle Repairman, how can I ever repay you?

Well, you don't need to, guv. It's all right.

It's all in a day's work for Bicycle Repairman.

[SNORTS, COUGHS]

ALL: Our hero.

ANNOUNCER: Yes, wherever bicycles are broken

or menaced by international Communism,

Bicycle Repairman is ready.

Ready to smash the Communists, wipe them up...

...and shove them off the face of the Earth.

Mash that dirty, red scum!

Kick 'em in the teeth, where it hurts!

Kill! Kill! Kill!

Filthy, bastard commies.

I hate 'em, I hate 'em!

[SCREAMS]

[YELLS]

WOMAN: Norman, tea's ready.

CALMLY: Coming, dear.

[♪]

Hello, children, hello.

Here is this morning's story.

Are you ready?

Then we'll begin.

"One day, Ricky the magic pixy went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumbledown cottage.

He found her in the bedroom.

Roughly, he grabbed her heavy shoulders, pulling her down onto the bed and ripping off her..."

"Old Nick the sea captain was a rough, tough, jolly sort of fellow.

He loved the life of the sea, and he loved to hang out down by the pier where the men dressed as ladies..."?

Uh--! Uh...

"Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell.

Here he sold contraceptives and--"

[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

"Discipline"? "Naked"?

With a melon?

[♪]

[HUMS WAGNER'S "RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES"]

[PRAYS IN FOREIGN DIALECT]

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

Woo-hoo!

Hello, again.

Now, here's a little sketch by two boys from London town.

They've been writing for three years, and they've come up with a number.

Here it is. It's called "restaurant sketch".

[APPLAUSE]

It's nice here, isn't it?

A very good restaurant. Three stars, you know.

-Really? -Good evening, sir.

-Good evening, madam. -Good evening.

And may I say what a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir?

Oh, thank you.

Hmm, well, there you are, dear.

Have a look there.

Anything you like?

The, uh, boeuf en croûte is fantastic.

Oh, if I may suggest, sir, the faisan à la reine.

The sauce is one of the chef's most famous creations.

Ooh. Mm, that sounds good.

Anyway, just have a look. Take your time, all right?

Oh, uh, by the way, I got a bit of a dirty fork.

Could you, uh, get me another one?

I beg your pardon?

Uh, well, it's nothing. I-- I've got a fork.

Little bit dirty. Could you get me another one?

-Thank you. -Oh, sir, I do apologize.

Oh, no need to apologize. It doesn't worry me.

Oh, no, no, no. I do apologize.

I will fetch the headwaiter imédiatement.

No, there's no need to do that.

Oh, no, no. I am sure the headwaiter he will want to apologize to you himself. I will fetch him at once.

Well, you certainly get good service here.

They really look after you, yes.

Excuse me, monsieur and madam.

It's filthy!

Gaston, find out who washed this up, and give them their cards immediately.

No, better still, can't afford to take any chances.

Sack the entire washing-up staff.

Look, I don't want to make any trouble.

Oh, no. Please, it's no trouble.

It's right that you should point these kind of things out.

Gaston! Tell the manager what has happened, immediately.

Oh-- No. Ple-- Please.

I-I-I don't want to cause any fuss.

Please, it's no fuss.

We simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes with your complete enjoyment of the meal.

Oh, I'm sure it won't. It was only a dirty fork.

I know.

And I'm sorry.

Bitterly sorry.

But I know that no apologies I can make can alter the fact that in our restaurant you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery.

-It wasn't smelly. -It was smelly!

And obscene and disgusting!

And I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

Nasty, grubby, dirty, mangy, scrubby little fork!

Goodbye.

Ooh!

Good evening, sir. Good evening, madam.

I am the manager.

I've only just heard.

-Uh, may I sit down? -Yes, of course.

I want to apologize humbly, deeply and sincerely about the fork.

Uh, oh, please, I was-- It's only a tiny bit dirty.

I was-- Just-- Couldn't see it.

Oh, you're good, kind, fine people for saying that, but I can see it.

To me it's like a mountain.

A vast bowl of pus.

-Oh, it's not as bad as that. -No! It gets me here.

I can't give you any excuses for it.

There are no excuses.

I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant recently, but I haven't been too well and--

And things aren't going very well back there.

The poor cook's son has been put away again, and poor old Mrs. Dalrymple, who does the washing up can hardly move her-- Her poor fingers.

And then there's Gilberto's war wound.

But they're good people.

And they're kind people.

And together, we were beginning to get over this dark patch.

There was light at the end of the tunnel.

Now this!

Now this! I wanna die!

[SOBS]

Could I get you some water?

It's the end of the road.

You bastards!

You vicious, heartless bastards!

[LAUGHS]

Look what you've done to him!

He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is, and you come in with your petty, feeble quibbling, and you grind him into the dirt!

This fine, honorable man whose boots you are not worthy to kiss.

Oh, it makes me mad.

Mad.

Mad.

Easy, Mungo, easy.

Mad.

Mungo-- Ah! The war wound.

The wound! The wound!

It's the end.

Oh, they've destroyed him!

The end!

[SCREAMS]

He's dead!

They killed him.

Revenge!

Revenge!

No-- No, don't, Mungo.

Never kill a customer.

Oh, the wound!

The wound. [SCREAMS]

[CRIES] -Rev--!

[SCREAMS]

Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife.

[AUDIENCE BOOS]

Oh, no, come on. No.

Shut up. No. No.

There we are, then. That was restaurant sketch.

Nice little number, a bit vicious in parts, but a lot of fun.

But how about that punch line, eh?

Oh, you know what I mean.

Oh-ho-ho, really.

ANNOUNCER: Tired of that drab, boring life you lead?

Then purchase a past.

Yes, thousands of people have led far more interesting lives than you will ever lead...

[DRUMROLL]

[JACQUES OFFENBACH'S "INFERNAL GALLOP" PLAYS]

[SNORTS]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[WHISTLES]

-[SNORTS] -[WHISTLES]

[TINKLING MUSIC]

[SPLASH]

...and undoubtedly continue to lead interesting lives whereas you, just as assuredly, will not.

ANNOUNCER [READING]:

...bits of their lives are being made available

for purchase.

For only 15 shillings, dullards like yourself

can obtain beautifully framed photographs

of other people's lives.

Hang them in your den.

Stand them on your desk

or next to your bed.

Pretend they are pictures from your past.

[♪]

[KNOCK]

Hello, I'm Uncle Frank and family.

Mind if we stay a couple of nights?

Or a month? Or three years? So--

Hello. George and Agnes. Could we live in the guestroom?

Where's the bathroom?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

MAN: Shut up. Shut up!

ALL: Oh, sorry.

MAN: Not good enough.

[WHISTLING]

[♪]

Ahem. Good evening.

Here is the 6:00 news read by Michael Queen.

It's been a quiet day over most of the country as people went back to work after the warmest July weekend for nearly a year.

The only high spot of the weekend was the meeting between officials of the NEDC and the ODCN in Bradford today.

[LOUD BANGING]

Mr. Ted Johnson of the NEDC moved...

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[GUNSHOTS]

In Geneva, officials of the central clearing banks, met with Herr Voleschtadt of Poland to discuss non-returnable loans on a 12-year trust basis for the construction of a new zinc-treating works in the Omsk area of Cracow, near the Gulistan border.

The board of trade has ratified a trade agreement with the Soviet Union for the sale of 600 low-gear, electric sewing machines.

The president of the board of trade said he hoped this would mark a new era of expansion in world trade and a new spirit of cooperation between East and West.

There has been a substantial drop in gold reserves during the last 12 months.

This follows a statement by the Treasury to the effect that the balance-of-imports situation had not changed dramatically over the same period.

Still no news of the national savings book lost by Mr. Charles Griffiths of Porthcawl during a field expedition to the nature reserves of Swansea last July.

Mr. Griffiths' wife said that her husband was refusing to talk to the press until the savings certificate had been found.

In Cornwall, the death has been announced today of the former Minister without Portfolio,

General Sir Hugh Marksby-Smith.

Sir Hugh was vice president of the Rotarian movement.

In the match between Glamorgan and Yorkshire, the Yorkshire bowler Nicholson took eight wickets for three runs.

Glamorgan were all out for 36, and therefore won the match by an inning and seven runs.

Weather for tomorrow will be cloudy with occasional outbreaks of rain.

And that is the end of the news.

ANNOUNCER [READING]:

The larch.

The horse chestnut.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Eric, do you think you could, uh, recognize a larch tree?

I don't know.

What's your name?

Michael.

Michael, do you think, uh, you know what a larch tree looks like?

I want to go home.

Bottom.

Are there any other trees that any of you, uh, think you could recognize from quite a long way away?

I want--

I want to see a sketch of Eric's, please.

What?

I-- I want to see a sketch of Eric's.

Nudge, nudge.

A what? A sketch?

-Eric's written-- -I've written a sketch.

Nudge, nudge. E-Eric's written a sketch.

-Nudge, nudge. -Nudge, nudge.

Is your wife a--? A goer, eh?

Know what I mean? Know what I mean?

Nudge, nudge. Nudge, nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more.

-Know what I mean? -I beg your pardon?

Your wife. Does she, uh--? Does she go?

Eh? Eh? Eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.

-Say no more. -Well, she sometimes goes, yes.

I'll bet she does. I'll bet she does. I'll bet she does.

Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.

I'm sorry, I-- I don't-- Don't quite follow you.

Oh, follow me? Follow me? I like that. That's good.

A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh? Eh?

Are you--? Are you trying to sell something?

Selling, selling. Very good. Very good.

Oh, wicked. Wicked. You're wicked, eh?

Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.

Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. Nudge, nudge.

Say no more.

-Say no--? -Ah! Oh! Strewth.

Your wife. Is she, uh...? Is she a sport, eh?

Well, yes. She likes sport, yes.

I'll bet she does. I'll bet she does.

She's very fond of cricket, as a matter of fact.

Who isn't, eh?

Know what I mean? Likes games, likes games.

Knew she would. Knew she would. Knew she would.

She's been around, eh? Been around?

Yes, she's traveled. She's from Purley.

Oh! Oh! Say no more. Say no more. Say no more.

Purley? Say no more.

Purley, eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean?

Say no more.

Your wife interested in, uh...?

[CLICKS]

...photographs, eh?

Know what I mean? Photographs? He asked him knowingly.

-Photography? -Yes.

Nudge, nudge. Snap, snap. Grin, grin. Wink, wink. Say no more.

Hol-- Holiday snaps?

Could be. Could be taken on a holiday. Could be, yes.

Uh, swimming costumes. You know what I mean?

Candid photography. You know what I mean? Nudge, nudge.

No, no. We don't have a camera.

Ah. Still...

Wagh! Eh?

Wagh-ha-ha-ha.

Eh?

Look, are you insinuating something?

[CHUCKLING] Oh.

-Oh, yes. -Well?

Well, I mean, uh--

I mean, you're a man of the world, aren't you?

I mean, uh, you've, uh-- You've been there, haven't you?

I mean, you've been around, eh?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, like, you've, uh, I--

You've-- You've done it.

I mean, you-- I mean, like, you know, you've--

You've slept... with a lady.

-Yes. -What's it like?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[♪]

-[LION ROARS] -[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[YELPS]

ANNOUNCER: The larch.