Home > Monty Python's Flying Circus

Man's Crisis of Identity in the Latter Half of the Twentieth Century

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

It's...

NARRATOR: Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[THEME MUSIC]

[WHOOSHING]

[THUD]

Oh, good. That'll be the vet, dear.

I'd better go and let him in.

It's the vet, dear.

Oh. Very glad indeed you could come around, sir.

Not at all. Now what seems to be the problem?

You can tell me. I'm a vet, you know.

See? Tell him, dear.

Well--

It's our cat. He doesn't do anything.

He just sits out all day on the lawn.

Is he... dead?

-Oh. -Oh, no.

Thank God for that.

For one ghastly moment, I thought I was... too late.

If only more people would call in the nick of time.

He just sits there, all day and every day.

-And at night. -Shh.

Almost motionless.

We have to take his food out to him.

-And his milk. -Shh.

He doesn't do anything. He just sits there.

Are you at your wits' end?

Definitely, shh, yes.

Hmm. I see. Well, I think I may be able to help you.

You see... your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a word for.

His condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambiance.

What we vets call "environment."

Oh.

Failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli.

A ball of string, a nice... juicy mouse, a bird.

To be blunt, your cat is in a rut.

It's the old stockbroker syndrome.

The suburban fin-de-siècle ennui.

Angst, Weltschmerz, call it what you will.

Moping.

In a way, in a way. Hmm.

Moping, I must remember that.

Now... what's to be done?

Tell me, sir, have you confused your cat recently?

-Well, we-- -Shh. No.

Yes. Well, I think I can definitely say that your cat badly needs to be confused.

-What? -Shh. What?

Confused. To shake it out of its state of complacency.

I'm afraid... I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service.

Here is their card.

Oh. "Confuse-a-Cat, Limited."

"Confuse-a-Cat, Limited."

-Oh. -Mmm.

[♪]

[SHOUTING] Squad! Eyes front!

Stand at ease!

Cat-confusers, confusers-hut!

[BRAKES SCREECH]

Now, men, we've got a pretty difficult cat to confuse today so let's get straight onto it. Jolly good.

-Thank you, sergeant. -Sir.

Confusers, get into the van and fetch out--!

Wait for it!

Fetch out the funny things!

Move, move, move, move.

One, two, one, two, get those funny things off!

[HAMMERING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Men, fall in!

Stage ready for confusing, sir!

Very good. Carry on, sergeant.

Left turn! Double march!

ALL: Tum-hum, tum-hum, tum-hum, tum-hum.

Right, men. Confuse the... cat.

[♪]

[GROWLING]

Arr!

Ladies and gentlemen...

[♪]

[DRUMROLL]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

[DRUMROLL]

I hope to God it works.

Anyway, we shall know any minute now.

Oh! I can't believe it.

Neither can I. It's just like the old days.

He's cured. Oh, thank you, general.

What can we ever do to repay you?

No need to, sir.

It's all in a day's work for:

Confuse-a-Cat.

[♪]

[HUMMING]

[MAN HUMMING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

-Have you read this, sir? -Nope.

Oh, yes, yes. Yes.

Anything to declare?

Yes. No! No. No.

No, nothing to declare, no.

Nothing in my suitcase, no, no.

No, uh, watches, cameras, radio sets?

Oh, yes, four watches.

No! No, no.

No, one wa-- One watch.

No, no! Not even one watch.

No, no watches at all.

No, no watches at all. No precision watches, no.

Which, uh, country have you been visiting, sir?

Switzerland. Ah, no! No. Not Switzerland. Ha.

Uh, not Switzerland, began with an "S", but wasn't Switzerland. Oh, what could it be?

Terribly bad memory for names. Oh. It was... Um...

What's the name of that country where they don't make watches at all?

-Spain? -Spain, that's it. Spain, yep. Mm-hm.

Label says "Zurich", sir.

Yes, well. It was Spain, then.

Zurich's in Switzerland, sir.

Switzerland, yeah. Hmm, hmm.

-Switzerland. -Yeah.

Where they make the watches.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah.

[HUMMING] ♪ Da dum, da dee dee ♪

Oh, nice shed you've got here. Hm.

You, uh, got any Swiss currency, sir?

No, just the watches.

Ah! Just my watch. Just my watch.

Uh, my watch on the currency.

I've kept a watch on the currency. And I've watched it.

And I haven't got any.

That came out a bit glib, didn't it?

-[CHUCKLES] -[LOUD RINGING]

You got an alarm clock in there, sir?

No, no, heavens no! No, no.

Just vests. Heh.

[BANGS BAG, RINGING STOPS]

Sounded a bit like an alarm clock going off.

Well, it can't have been. It must have been a vest.

Uh...go-- Going off.

Going off?

[CHIMING]

All right.

I confess, I'm a smuggler.

This whole case is crammed full of Swiss watches and clocks.

I've been purposely trying to deceive Her Majesty's Customs and Excise.

I've been a bloody fool.

I don't believe you, sir.

It's true. I'm, uh, guilty of smuggling.

Don't give me that, sir.

You couldn't smuggle a piece of grease-proof paper, let alone a case full of watches.

What do you mean?

I've smuggled watches before, you know.

I've smuggled bombs, cameras, microfilms, aircraft components.

You name it, I've smuggled it.

You're wasting our time. Move along, please--

No, no, look at this. Look at this.

Look, for all I know, sir, you could've bought these in London before you ever went to Switzerland.

What? I wouldn't buy 2000 clocks.

People do. Now close your case. Move along please, go on.

Don't waste our time. We're out to catch the real smugglers.

I am a real smuggler! I'm a smuggler, everybody!

-Eric, take him out. -Don't you understand?! I'm a smuggler!

I'm a lawbreaker! I'm a smuggler!

Poor fellow. I think he needs help.

Right, cut the wisecracks, vicar.

Get in the search room and strip.

Well, to discuss the implications of that sketch, and to consider the moral problems raised by the law-enforcement methods involved, we have a duck, a cat and a lizard.

Now, first of all,

I'd like to put this question to you please, lizard.

How effective do you consider the legal weapons employed by legal Customs officers nowadays?

Oh, while you're thinking about that, heh,

I'd like to bring the duck in here and ask her, if possible, to clarify the whole question of currency restrictions and Custom regulations in the world today.

Heh. Perhaps the cat would rather answer that?

No? Lizard?

No. Ahem.

Well, um...

Let's ask the man in the street what he thinks.

I am not a man, you silly-billy.

I'm not in the street, you fairy.

Well, uh, speaking as a man in the street--

Whaa!

What was the question again?

NEWSCASTER: Just how relevant

are contemporary Customs regulations

and currency restrictions in a modern, expanding industrial economy?

Oh, never mind.

Well, I think Customs men should be armed so they can kill people carrying more than 200 cigarettes.

Well, I-I think that, uh, nobody who has gone abroad should be allowed back in the country.

I mean, uh, blimey!

Blimey! If they're not keen enough to stay here when they're here, why should we allow 'em back, huh, at the taxpayers' expense?

I mean, be fair.

I mean, I don't eat squirrels, do I?

I mean, well, perhaps I do, one or two, but there's no law against that, is there?

It's a free country.

I mean, if I want to eat a squirrel now and again, that's me own business, isn't it?

I mean, I'm no racialist. I...

Oh. Oh.

[GROANING]

I think it's silly to ask a lizard what it thinks, anyway.

NEWSCASTER: Why?

I mean, they should have asked...

Margaret Drabble.

Well, I think, uh, Customs people are quite necessary, and I think they're doing quite a good job, really.

Check.

[LOUD BANGING ON DOOR]

-Door's open. -Oh, yes.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

My name's Police Constable Henry Thatcher, and this is a raid.

I have reason to believe that there are certain substances on the premises.

What sort of substances, officer?

Uh, certain substances.

Well, what sort of certain substances?

Uh, certain substances of an illicit nature.

Uh, could you be more specific?

I beg your pardon?

Uh, could you be clearer?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Uh, certain substances on the premises to be removed for clinical tests.

Have you got anything particular in mind?

-Well, what have you got? -Nothing, officer.

You are Sandy Camp, the actor?

-Yes. -I must warn you, sir, that outside I have police dog Josephine, who is not only armed and trained to sniff out certain substances, but is also a junkie.

What are you after?

Oh! Oh, oh! Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh! Oh!

I've--

Here is a brown paper bag I have found on the premises.

I must confiscate this, sir, and take it with me for clinical examination.

Wait a minute. You just got that out of your pocket.

-What? -Well, what's in it, anyway?

Sandwiches?

Sandwiches?

Blimey. Whatever did I give the wife?

WOMAN: "Dear BBC, East Grinstead, Friday.

I feel I really must write and protest about that sketch.

My husband, in common with a lot of people of his age, is 50.

For how long are we to put up with these things?

Yours sincerely, E.B. Debenham, Mrs."

MAN: "Dear Freddy Grisewood, Bagshot, Surrey.

As a prolific letter-writer,

I feel I must protest about the previous letter.

I am nearly 60 and am quite mad,

but I do enjoy listening to the BBC Home Service.

If this continues to go on unabated, Dunkirk,

dark days of the war, backs to the wall,

Alvar Liddell, Berlin airlift, moral upheaval of Profumo case,

young hippies roaming the streets, raping, looting and killing.

Yours etc., Brigadier Arthur Gormanstrop, Mrs."

Well, I think they should attack things like that.

With satire. I mean, Ned Sherrin.

Fair's fair.

I think people should be able to make up their own minds for me.

Well, I think they should attack the fuddy-duddy attitudes of the lower middle classes, which permit the establishment to survive and keep the mores of the whole country back where they were in the 19th century, and the ghastly days of the pre-sexual revolution.

Well, that's, uh, very interesting, because, uh, I am, in fact, made entirely of wood.

Well, I think they should attack the lower classes, uh, first with bombs and rockets, destroying their homes, and then when they run helpless into the streets, uh, mowing them down with machine guns.

Uh, and then, of course, uh, releasing the vultures.

I know these views aren't popular, but I have never courted popularity.

I think there should be more race prejudice.

Less.

Less race prejudice.

...and several butchers' aprons.

In Fulham this morning, a jeweler's shop was broken into, and jewelry to the value of £2000 stolen.

Police have issued this picture of a man they wish to interview.

The man is in his late 20s, wearing a grey suit, a white shirt and a floral tie.

Would anyone who sees this man, or can give any information about his whereabouts, contact their nearest police station.

Ah. Oh, we've just heard that police have detained the man they wished to interview in connection with the jewel robbery.

Uh, but after questioning, police have ruled him out of their enquiries and released him.

Sport.

Uh, they say, however, that acting on his information, they now wish to interview a newsreader in the central London area.

Uh, police are concentrating their enquiries on the British Broadcasting Assoc--

Excuse me a minute.

We understand a man is now helping police

with their enquiries.

And that is the end of the news.

And now, Match of the Day.

-[ENGINE REVS] -[MOANS]

[KNOCKING]

Uh, I'm-- I'm terribly sorry.

It-- It's not, in fact, Match of the Day, it is, in fact, edited highlights of tonight's romantic movie.

Uh...sorry.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry. On BBC2, Joan Bakewell will be talking to Michael Dean about what makes exciting television.

[MOANING]

Uh, sorry about all that.

And now, uh, back to the movie.

-Oh. Oh, Bevis. -Oh, my darling.

-Oh, oh. Should we? -Well, why not?

Oh. Be gentle with me.

[♪]

Oh, Bevis. Are you going to do anything or are you just going to show me films all evening?

-Just one more, dear. -Oh!

[♪]

Wow, Charles Atlas, with the world's most perfectly developed body.

Tired of being pushed around?

Would you like to do some pushing around instead?

Would you like a body that can't fail to attract women?

[SHRIEKING]

ATLAS: A body that is the envy of other men?

Oh, I must get one of those.

Then let me have your skinny, scrawny, little body for just 15 minutes a day.

Oh, I've heard that one before, ducky. Ugh.

Let me slap 50 pounds of he-man muscles on you.

ATLAS: Thick, Herculean arms, a deep, massive chest,

atomic-powered legs, shoulders a yard wide,

and right in the privacy of your own home.

What's my secret?

It's dynamo tension.

Muscles pulling against muscles, the natural way.

Agh!

Here's living proof.

And there's no need to stop there.

So don't delay.

Send today for my gigantic, free, 78-page muscle-building course.

[KNOCKING]

Postman.

And start building a body you can be proud of.

[FLAPPING]

[♪]

[GIGGLING]

Hmm?

[GIGGLING]

You know, I really enjoy interviewing applicants for this management training course.

[BANGING AT DOOR]

Come in.

Ah, come and sit down.

Uh. Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Would you mind just standing up again for one moment?

-Take a seat. -I'm sorry?

Take a seat.

Ahh.

-Good morning. -Morning.

Good morning.

Morning.

Tell me. Why do you say "good morning" when you know perfectly well that it's afternoon?

Well-- Well-- Well, you said good morning.

[CHUCKLES]

Good afternoon.

Oh. Good afternoon.

Oh, dear.

Good evening.

Goodbye?

[LAUGHING]

No.

[BELL RINGING]

Aren't you going to ask me why I rang the bell?

[STAMMERS] Why did you ring the bell?

Why do you think I rang the bell?

-Well-- -[SHOUTING] Five, four, three, two, one, zero!

-Well, I-I-- -Too late.

[RINGING]

♪ Good night ♪

♪ A-ding-ding-ding Ding-ding-ding-ding ♪

♪ Ah, good night ♪

♪ A-ding-ding-ding Ding-ding-ding-ding ♪

Um-- Uh, this isn't--

It is the interview for the management training course, is it?

-Yes. Yes, it is. -Oh.

♪ Good night ♪

♪ A-ding-ding-ding Ding-ding-ding-ding ♪

Oh, dear, I don't think I'm doing very well.

-Why do you say that? -Uh, well, I don't know.

Do you say it because you didn't know?

Well, I-I-I-- I don't know.

[SHOUTING] Five, four, three, two, one, zero!

Right. Ahem.

[WAILS]

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Well, why do you think I did that, then?

-Well, I don't know. -Aren't you curious?

-Well, yes. -Why don't you ask me?

-Well. I-- I'll-- -Name?

-What? -Your name, please. Your name.

-Um-- Uh, David. -David. Sure?

-Oh, yes. -David Sure.

No, no, Thomas.

Thomas Sure.

No, no, David Thomas.

♪ Good night ♪

♪ A-ding-ding-ding Ding-ding-ding-ding ♪

Oh, dear, we're back to that again.

♪ Good night ♪

♪ A-ding-ding-ding Ding-ding-ding-ding ♪

I don't know what to do when you do that.

Well, do something.

♪ Good night ♪

♪ A-ding-ding-ding Ding-ding-ding ♪

[SHOUTING] Five, four, three, two, one!

[SHRIEKING]

-Good! -Good?

Very good. Do it again.

[SHRIEKING]

Very good indeed.

Quite outstanding.

Uh, right. Ready now.

Right. Once more.

♪ Good night ♪

♪ A-ding-ding-ding Ding-ding-ding-ding ♪

[SHRIEKING]

What-- What's going on? What's going on?

You got very good marks.

Well, I don't care. I want to know what's going on.

I think you're deliberately trying to humiliate people!

I'm going out to tell the police exactly what you do to people.

And I'm going to make bloody sure you never do this again.

There, what do you think of that?! Huh?!

What do you think of that?!

-Very good marks. -Oh.

Oh. Well... do I get the job?

Uh, well, I'm afraid not.

I'm afraid all the vacancies were filled several weeks ago.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hmm. Well, that was all good fun, and we all had a jolly good laugh.

But I would like to assure you that you'd never be treated like that if you had an interview here at the Careers Advisory Board.

Perhaps I should introduce myself.

I am the head of the Careers Advisory Board.

I wanted to be a doctor, but there we are.

I'm head of the Careers Advisory Board.

Or a sculptor. Something artistic.

Or an engineer, with all those dams, but there we are, it's no use crying over spilt milk.

The facts are there, and that's that.

I'm the head of this lousy board.

[SOBBING]

Never mind.

Now, I wonder if you've ever considered what a very profitable line of work this man is in.

Burglar.

Burglar.

-Yes? -Burglar, madam.

What do you want?

I want to come in and steal a few things, madam.

Are you an encyclopedia salesman?

No, madam, I'm a burglar. I burgle people.

I think you're an encyclopedia salesman.

Oh, I'm not. Open the door, let me in, please.

If I let you in, you'll sell me encyclopedias.

I won't, madam. I just want to come in, ransack the flat. Honestly.

Promise? No encyclopedias?

None at all.

All right. You can come in, then.

Mind you, I don't know whether you've ever really considered the advantages of owning a fine set of encyclopedias.

You know, they can do you really wonders.

That man was a successful encyclopedia salesman.

But not all encyclopedia salesmen are successful.

Here is an unsuccessful encyclopedia salesman.

Now, here are two unsuccessful encyclopedia salesmen.

I think there's a lesson there for all of us.

[THEME MUSIC]