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Face the Press

[ANIMALS CHATTERING]

And now for something completely different.

It's...

[♪♪]

NARRATOR: Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Hello. Tonight on Face the Press, we're going to examine two different views of contemporary things.

On my left is the minister for home affairs, who is wearing a striking organza dress in pink tulle with matching pearls and a diamante collar necklace.

The shoes are in brushed pigskin with gold clasps by Maxwell of Bond Street.

The hair is by Roger, and the whole ensemble is crowned by a spectacular display of Christmas orchids.

And on my right, putting the case against the government, is a small patch of brown liquid.

Which could be creosote or some extract used in industrial varnishing.

Good evening.

Minister, may I put the first question to you?

In your plan, "A Better Britain For Us," you claimed that you would build

88,000 million, billion houses a year in the Greater London area alone.

In fact, you've built only three in the last 15 years.

Are you a bit disappointed with this result?

No, no. I'd like to answer this question if I may in two ways.

Firstly in my normal voice and then in a kind of silly, high-pitched whine.

You see, housing is a problem really.

Well, while the minister is answering this question,

I'd just like to point out that the minister's dress has been made entirely by hand

-from over 300 pieces of Arabian silk. -[HIGH-PITCHED WHINING]

Especially created for the minister by Vargar's of Paris.

The low slim line has been cut off the shoulder to heighten the effect of his fine bone structure.

Well, I think the minister is coming to the end of his answer now, so let's go back over and join the discussion.

Thank you very much, minister.

Today saw the appointment of a new head of--

-Don't I say any more? -No, fear.

Today saw the appointment of a new head of Allied Bomber Command.

Air Chief Marshal Sir Vincent "Kill the Japs" Forster.

He's in our Birmingham studio.

Hello, sailors. Listen, guess what?

The ministerette of aviation has made me head

-of the RAF Ola Pola-- -[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello. Mrs. Rogers?

No.

Ooh, I must be in the wrong house.

Whew!

[GRUNTING]

So from now on, we're going to do things my way.

For a start, David Hockney is going to design the bombs.

-[DOORBELL RINGS] -And I've seen the plans...

That must be the new gas cooker.

[♪♪]

Morning. Mrs. G. Crump?

No, Mrs. G. Pinnet.

This is 46 Egernon Crescent?

No. Road. Egernon Road.

Road, yeah, it says here. Yeah.

Uh, right, could I speak to Mrs. G. Crump, please?

Oh, there's nobody here of that name.

It's Mrs. G. Pinnet. 46 Egernon Road.

-Well, it says "Crump" here. Don't it, Harry? -Yeah. It's on the invoice.

Yeah, it's definitely Crump.

There must have been a mistake.

The address is right, and that's the cooker I ordered.

A blue and white CookEasi.

You can't have this. This is Crump.

Dear, what are we going to do?

I don't know.

What we can do is take it back to the depot, get a transfer slip from Crump to Pinnet, put it on a special delivery.

That's best. We'll special it for you, get it there today,

-and you'll get it in 10 weeks. -Yeah.

Ten weeks?

Blimey, can't you just leave this one?

-What, this? -What, leave it here?

-Yes. -Well, I don't know.

I suppose we could.

She'd have to fill out a temporary dispatch note.

MAN 1: We could leave it on a dispatch note.

-That's sorted out. -Yeah.

What a mess, isn't it?

It's ridiculous, but there you are.

Glad we could be such a help.

Right, would you sign it down there please, Mrs. Crump?

-Pinnet. -Pinnet, yeah.

Listen, just for the books, make it a bit easier, could you sign it Crump-Pinnet?

Right.

Thank you very much, dear. The cooker's yours.

Yep. Here we go.

Right.

Sorry about the bother, but, uh, there you are, you know. Cheerio.

Cheerio, Mrs. Crump.

Hey, e-excuse me.

Cooey!

-Uh, can you put it in the kitchen? -You what?

Well, I can't cook on it unless it's connected up.

Oh, we didn't realize you had an installation invoice.

An MI.

No, we can't touch it without an MI.

-Or an R16. -Maybe it's a special.

No, it's not. That's back at the depot.

Special's same as installation invoice.

-It's an R16. -What's an installation invoice?

Pink form from Reading.

Oh, we wondered what that was.

-These are the forms. -That's the one, love.

Yeah, this should be all I need. This--

Hang on. This is for Pinnet.

Mrs. G. Pinnet.

That's right. I'm Mrs. G. Pinnet.

We've got Crump-Pinnet on the invoice.

Shall I sign it Crump-Pinnet?

No, no, no. Not an MI. No.

No. That's from Area Service at Reading.

-No, Cheltenham, isn't it? -Not this side of the street.

Look, I just want it connected up.

What about London office?

-No, they haven't got machinery. -Not now.

What? The Hounslow depot?

No, they're still on standard pressure.

Same with Twickenham.

Surely they can connect up a gas cooker?

We could connect it up, but only if it's an emergency.

-This is an emergency. -No, it's not. Emergency is a 290.

"Where there's actual or apparent loss of combustible gaseous substances."

-Yeah, it's like-- Like a leak. -Yeah.

-Or a 478. -No, that's valve adjustment.

Well, there can't be a leak unless you've connected it.

No, quite. We'd have to turn it on.

Well, can't you turn it on and connect it up?

No. But what we can do, and this is between you and me--

I shouldn't be telling you this. We'll turn your gas on, make a hole in your pipe, you ring Hounslow emergency, they'll be around in a couple of days.

A house full of gas? I'll be dead by then.

Oh, well. In that case you'd have southeast area manager

-round here like a shot. -Really?

Oh, yes. "One or more person overcome by fumes," you'd have head office Holbom round here.

-Really? -Yeah. That's murder, you see.

-Or suicide. -No. That's S42.

-Oh. -Still?

I thought it was Hainault.

No, central area and Southall Marketing Division, they're both on the S42 now.

-And they'd connect it up? -Oh, they'd do the lot for you.

They'd come round this afternoon?

Well, what is it now? 11:30...

Murder... They'd be round here by 2.

Oh, well, that's wonderful.

Right, love, if you'd like to lie down.

-All right. -Okay. Harry.

-Okay. -Gas on.

-Right, deep breaths, love. -Ring head office, would you, Norman?

Shall I go through maintenance?

No, better go through Deptford maintenance.

Put Peckham on a 207.

[CHATTERING]

Arliss, now?

Absolutely. That's Lewisham.

What about Tottenham?

MAN 1: No, that could be 44.

MAN 2: Bulky, isn't it?

-MAN 3: What about Lewisham? -MAN 4: Slow us down.

MAN 5: You mean Central, isn't it?

MAN 6: Or Ruislip.

[CHATTERING]

[WHIRRING]

[HUMMING]

Good morning.

Morning, sir. Can I help you?

Help me? Yeah, I'll say you can help me.

Yes, sir?

I come about your advert.

"Small white pussycat for sale.

Excellent condition."

Ah, you wish to buy it?

That's right. Just for the hour.

Only I ain't gonna pay more than a fiver,

'cause it ain't worth it.

Well, it's come from a very good home and it's housetrained.

"Chest of drawers."

Chest. Drawers.

I'd like some chest of drawers, please.

-Yes, sir. -Does it go?

It's over there in the corner.

"Pram for sale. Any offers."

I'd like a bit of pram, please.

Ah, yes, sir. That's in good condition.

Oh, good, I like 'em in good condition, eh?

Yes, here it is, you see?

"Babysitter."

No, it's a babysitter.

-Babysitter? -Babysitter.

Babysitter. I don't want a babysitter.

"Be a blood donor." That's it.

I'd like to give some blood, please. Argh!

Oh, spit. Which one is it?

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Blond prostitute will indulge in any sexual activity for 4 quid a week."

What does that mean?

The Times, please.

Oh, yes, sir, here you are.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Good morning. Ahem.

Sorry to have kept you waiting, but I'm afraid my, uh--

My walk has become rather sillier recently, and so it takes me rather longer to get to work.

Now, then, uh, what was it again?

Well, sir, I-I have a-- a silly walk and I'd like to obtain a government grant to help me develop it.

I see. Ah, may I see your silly walk?

Yes, certainly, yes. Ahem.

Uh, that's it, is it?

-Yes, that's it, yes. -Mm-hm.

It's not particularly silly, is it?

The right leg isn't silly at all, and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half-turn every alternate step.

I think with government backing I could make it very silly.

Mr. Pudey, the very real problem is one of money.

I'm afraid that the Ministry of Silly Walks is no longer getting the kind of support it needs.

You see, there's defense, social security, health, housing, education, silly walks.

They're all supposed to get the same.

But last year, the government spent less on the Ministry of Silly Walks than it did on national defense.

Now, we get 348,000,000 pounds a year which is supposed to be spent on all our available products.

-Uh, coffee? -Yes, please.

Uh, Mrs. Two-Lumps, would you bring us in two coffees?

TWO-LUMPS: Yes, Mr. Teabag.

Out of her mind.

Now the Japanese have a man who can bend his leg back over his head and back again with every single step.

While the Israelis have f-- Ah, here's the coffee.

Thank you. Lovely.

You're really interested in silly walks, aren't you?

Oh, rather. Yes.

Well, take a look at this, then.

[OLD-TIME PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Mr. Pudey,

I'm not going to mince words with you.

I'm gonna offer you a research fellowship on the Anglo-French silly walk.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Bonjour.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[BOTH HUMMING]

[♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: And now a choice of viewing on BBC Television.

Just started on BBC 2, the semifinal of Episode 3

of Kierkegaard's Journals,

starring Richard Chamberlain, Peggy Mount and Billy Bremner.

And on BBC 1, Ethel the Frog.

[♪♪]

Good evening. On Ethel the Frog tonight, we look at violence.

The violence of British gangland.

Last Tuesday, a reign of terror was ended when the notorious Piranha brothers

Doug and Dinsdale, after one of the most

extraordinary trials in British legal history were sentenced to 400 years imprisonment for crimes of violence.

Tonight, Ethel the Frog examines the rise to power of the Piranhas, the methods they used to subjugate rival gangs and their subsequent tracking down and capture by the brilliant superintendent Harry "Snapper" Organs of Q Division.

Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation,

in this house on Kipling Road, Southwark,

the eldest sons in a family of 16.

Their father, Arthur Piranha, a scrap-metal dealer

and TV quizmaster,

was well-known to the police, and a devout Catholic.

In January, 1928, he had married Kitty Malone,

an up-and-coming East End boxer.

Doug was born in February, 1929,

and Dinsdale two weeks later.

And again a week after that.

Their next-door neighbor was Mrs. April Simnel.

Kipling Road were a typical sort of East End street.

People were in and out of each other's houses with each other's property all day long. Heh-heh.

They were a cheery lot, though.

Was it a terribly violent area?

[LAUGHING]

Yes. Cheerful and violent.

I remember Doug was very keen on boxing until he learned to walk, and then he took up putting the boot in the groin.

Oh, he was very interested in that.

His mother used to have such trouble getting him to come in for his tea. Heh-heh.

He'd be out there putting his little boot in, you know, bless him.

But you know, kids were very different then.

They didn't have their heads filled with all this Cartesian dualism.

REPORTER: At the age of 15, Doug and Dinsdale started attending

the Ernest Pythagoras Primary School in Clerkenwell.

Anthony Viney. You taught the Piranha brothers English.

What do you remember most about them?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Anthony Viney.

When the Piranhas left school, they were called up but were found by an Army Board to be too mentally unstable even for National Service.

Denied the opportunity to use their talents in the service of their country, they began to operate what they called

"The Operation."

They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid them the so-called protection money.

Four months later, they started another operation which they called: "The Other Operation."

In this racket they selected another victim and threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them.

One month later, they hit upon "The Other, Other Operation."

In this the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them, they would beat him up.

This, for the Piranha brothers, was the turning point.

Doug and Dinsdale Piranha now formed a gang which they called "The Gang," and used terror to take over nightclubs, billiard halls, gaming casinos and racetracks.

When they tried to take over the MCC, they were for the only time in their lives, slit up a treat.

As their empire spread however, we in Q Division were keeping tabs on their every movement by reading the color supplements.

A small-time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha was Vince Snetterton-Lewis.

Well, uh, one day I was sitting at home threatening the kids and I looked out of the hole in the wall and I saw this tank drive up.

And one of Dinsdale's boys gets out, and he comes up, all nice and friendly like, and says Dinsdale wants to have a talk with me.

So he chains me to the back of the tank, and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's.

And Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and a couple of film producers and a man they called Kierkegaard who just sat there biting the heads off whippets.

And Dinsdale said:

"I hear you've been a naughty boy, Clement."

And he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out.

And I said, "My name's not Clement."

And, uh, then he loses his temper.

And he nails my head to the floor.

INTERVIEWER: He nailed your head to the floor?

At first, yeah.

Another man who had his head nailed to the floor was Stig O'Tracey.

Stig, I've been told that Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.

No. No, never, never.

He was a smashing bloke.

He used to give his mother flowers and that.

He was like a brother to me.

But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.

Oh, yeah, well, he did that, yeah.

Why?

Well, he had to, didn't he? I mean, be fair, there was nothing else he could do.

I mean, I had transgressed the unwritten law.

What had you done?

Uh...

Well, he never told me that.

But he gave me his word that it was the case, and that's good enough for me with old Dinsy.

I mean, he didn't wanna nail my head to the floor.

I had to insist. He wanted to let me off.

There's nothing Dinsdale wouldn't do for you.

And you don't bear him any grudge?

A grudge? Old Dinsy? He was a real darling.

I understand he also nailed your wife's head to a coffee table.

Isn't that right, Mrs. O'Tracey?

Oh, no, no, no.

Yeah, well, he did do that. Yeah, yeah.

He was a cruel man, but fair.

INTERVIEWER: Vince, after he nailed your head to the floor, did you ever see him again?

Yeah, after that I used to go around to his flat every Sunday lunchtime to apologize, and we'd shake hands and then he'd nail my head to the floor.

Every Sunday?

Yeah.

But he was very reasonable about it.

I mean, one Sunday when my parents were coming round for tea,

I asked him if he'd mind very much not nailing my head to the floor that week.

And he agreed, and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand.

He was the only friend I ever had.

[COUGHING]

I wouldn't hear a word against him.

MAN: Lovely fella.

Clearly, Dinsdale inspired tremendous loyalty and terror amongst his business associates, but what was he really like?

I walked out with Dinsdale on many occasions and found him a most charming and erudite companion.

He was wont to introduce one to many eminent persons, celebrated American singers, members of the aristocracy and other gang leaders.

INTERVIEWER: How had he met them?

Through his work for charity.

He took a warm interest in boys' clubs, sailors' homes, choristers' associations, scouting jamborees and of course, the household cavalry.

Was there anything unusual about him?

I should say not.

Dinsdale was a perfectly normal person in every way.

Except...

Except in as much as he was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog whom he referred to as Spiny Norman.

How big was Norman supposed to be?

Normally, he was wont to be about 12 feet from snout to tail, but when Dinsdale was very depressed,

Norman could be anything up to 800 yards long.

When Norman was about, Dinsdale would go very quiet, and his nose would swell up and his teeth would start moving about and he'd become very violent and claim that he'd laid Stanley Baldwin.

Dinsdale was a gentleman.

And what's more he knew how to treat a female impersonator.

It's easy for us to judge Dinsdale Piranha too harshly.

After all, he only did what most of us--

Most of us simply dream of doing.

[GRUNTING]

I'm sorry.

After all, a murder--

A murderer is only an extroverted suicide.

Dinsdale was a loony, but he was a happy loony.

Lucky bastard.

Most of these strange tales concern Dinsdale, but what of Doug?

One man who met him was Luigi Vercotti.

Well, I've been running a successful escort agency--

High-class. No, really, high-class girls.

We didn't have any of that. That was right out.

And I decided--

-[TELEPHONE RINGS] -Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, no, not now.

Shtoom, shtoom.

Right. Yes, we'll have the watch ready for you at midnight.

The watch.

The Chinese watch.

Yes, all right. Bye-bye...

Mother.

Anyway I decided then to open a high-class nightclub for the gentry at Biggleswade.

With international cuisine, cooking, top-line acts, eh, not a cheap clip joint for picking up tarts.

That was right out. I deny that completely.

And, uh, one night Dinsdale walked in with a couple of big lads, one of whom was carrying a tactical nuclear missile.

They said I'd bought one of their fruit machines and would I pay for it?

How much did they want?

Uh, three quarters of a million pounds.

Then they went out.

Why didn't you call for the police?

Well, I'd noticed that the lad with the thermonuclear device was the chief constable for the area.

Anyway, a week later, they come back, said the check had bounced and that I had to see Doug.

Doug?

Doug.

I was terrified of him.

Everyone was terrified of Doug.

I've seen grown men pull their own heads off rather than see Doug.

Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug.

What did he do?

He used sarcasm.

He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, pathos, puns, parody, litotes and... satire.

REPORTER: By a combination of violence and sarcasm,

the Piranha brothers by February, 1966,

controlled London and the southeast.

In February, though, Dinsdale made a big mistake.

Latterly Dinsdale had become increasingly worried about Spiny Norman.

He had come to the conclusion that Norman slept in an aeroplane hangar at Luton Airport.

And so on February the 22nd, 1966, at Luton Airport--

Even the police began to sit up and take notice.

The Piranhas realized they had gone too far and that the hunt was on.

They went into hiding and I decided on a subtle approach, viz. some form of disguise, as the old helmet and boots are a bit of a giveaway.

Luckily my years with Bristol Rep stood me in good stead, as I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises.

I tracked them to Cardiff, posing as the Reverend Smiler Egret.

Hearing they'd gone back to London,

I assumed the identity of a pork butcher, Brian Stoats.

On my arrival in London,

I discovered they had returned to Cardiff.

I followed as Gloucester from King Lear.

Acting on a hunch, I spent several months in Buenos Aires as Blind Pew, returning through the Panama Canal as Ratty in Toad of Toad Hall.

Back in Cardiff, I relived my triumph as Sancho Panza in Man of La Mancha.

Which the Bristol Evening Post described as:

"A glittering performance of a rare perception."

Although the Bath Chronicle was less than enthusiastic.

In fact, it gave me a right panning. I quote:

CRITIC 1: As for the performance

of Superintendent Harry "Snapper" Organs

as Sancho Panza, the audience were bemused

by his high-pitched Welsh accent

and intimidated by his abusive ad-libs.

ORGANS: The Western Daily News said:

CRITIC 2: Sancho Panza (Mr. Organs)

spoilt an otherwise impeccably choreographed rape scene

by his unscheduled appearance and persistent cries

of "What's all this then?"

Never mind, Snapper love, you can't win 'em all.

True, constable. Uh, could I have my eyeliner please?

Telegram for you, love.

Ooh, good-o. I bet it's from Binkie.

Those flowers are for Sgt. Lauderdale from the gentleman waiting outside.

Oh, good. Heh-heh.

Thirty seconds, superintendent.

Oh, blimey, I'm on.

Is me hat straight, constable?

Oh, it's fine.

Right. Here we go then, Hawkins.

Oh, merde, superintendent.

Good luck, then.

Read all about it.

Piranha brothers escape.

[SCREAMING]

Dinsdale?

[♪♪]

SPINY NORMAN: Dinsdale?

Dinsdale?

Dinsdale?

Dinsdale? Dinsdale?

Hmm...

Dinsdale?

Dinsdale?

Well, that's all for now.

And so until next week...

[ROARS]