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The Spanish Inquisition

[RHYTHMIC WHIRRING]

[HUMMING]

[HUMMING INCREASES]

[HUMMING STOPS]

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

And now for something completely different.

It's...

[JOHN PHILIP SOUSA'S "LIBERTY BELL" PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Monty Python's Flying Circus-sss.

[FART]

[♪♪]

-[KNOCK AT DOOR] -Come in.

Trouble at mill.

Oh, no. What sort of trouble?

One of crossbeams gone out askew on treadle.

Pardon?

One of crossbeams gone out askew on treadle.

I don't understand what you're saying.

One of the crossbeams has gone out askew on the treadle.

Well, what on earth does that mean?

I don't know. Mr. Wentworth told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all.

I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[♪♪]

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Our chief weapon is surprise.

Surprise and fear. Fear and surprise.

Our two weapons are fear and surprise.

And ruthless efficiency.

Our three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency.

And an almost fanatical devotion to the pope.

Uh! Four. No.

Amongst our weapons...

Amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear, su-- I'll come in again.

I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[♪♪]

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and almost fanatical devotion to the pope.

And nice red uniforms. Oh, damn!

I-I can't say it, you'll have to say it.

What?

You'll have to say the bit, "Our chief weapons are:"

Why, I couldn't do that.

I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[♪♪]

Uh-uh, nobody, um...

-Expects. -Um, expects.

Nobody expects the, um, Spanish, um...

-Inquisition. -I know, I know.

Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition.

-In fact, those who do-- -Our chief weapons are...

Our chief weapons are, um... Uh... Su--

-Surprise. -Surprise.

That's it. Stop, stop. Stop there. Stop there. Stop.

Our chief weapon is surprise...

Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.

Cardinal, read the charges.

"You are hereby charged that you did,

"on diverse dates, commit heresy against the Holy Church."

-♪ My old man-- ♪ -That's enough.

Now... how do you plead?

We're innocent.

[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

We'll soon change your mind about that!

Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless... Ooh!

Now.

Cardinal, the rack.

[GRUNTING]

You...

Right.

Tie her down.

[MEN LAUGHING AND GRUNTING]

Right.

How do you plead?

Innocent.

Ha! Right!

Cardinal, give the rack-- Oh, dear.

Give the rack...

-a turn. -I-I--

I know. I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything.

-I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake. -I-I--

It makes it all seem so stupid.

Shall I, um--?

Oh, God, just pretend, for God's sake.

[LAUGHING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ah, hello. Uh, you don't know me, but I'm from the BBC.

Um, we were wondering if you'd come and answer the door in a sketch over there in that sort of direction?

You wouldn't have to do anything, just open the door and that's it.

-Oh, well, all right, yes. -Jolly good, come this way.

Yes, uh, we're on film at the moment, you see?

It's a link, is it?

Yes, that's right, that sort of thing. Yes, a link.

Uh, it's all a bit zany, you know, a bit madcap funster.

I don't fully understand it myself. The kids seem to like it.

I much prefer, uh, Des O'Connor,

Rolf Harris, Tom Jones, you know...

[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[ENGINE STARTS]

You do a lot of this sort of thing, do you?

Quite a lot, yes, quite a lot. I'm mainly in comedy.

Uh, I'd like to be in program planning, actually, but, uh, unfortunately, I've got a degree.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Joke, sir? Guaranteed amusing.

As used by the crowned heads of Europe.

Has brought tears to the eyes of royalty.

"Denmark has never laughed so much." The Stage.

Nice little novelty number, a "naughty Humphrey." Breaks the ice at parties.

Put it on the table, press the button, it vomits.

Absolutely guaranteed. With refills.

Black soap, leave it in the bathroom, they wash their hands, real fungus grows on the fingers.

Can't get it off for hours.

Guaranteed to break the ice at parties.

Frighten the elderly. Real snakes.

Comedy-hernia kit.

Plastic flesh wounds, just keep your friends in stitches.

Guaranteed to break the ice at parties.

Hours of fun with "Honeymoon Delight."

Empty into their beds, real skunk juice.

They won't forget their wedding night.

Sticks to the skin, absolutely waterproof, guaranteed to break the ice at parties.

Amuse your friends. CS gas canisters.

Smells, tastes and acts just like the real thing.

Can blind, maim or kill.

Or for drinks, why not buy a Wicked Willy, with a life-size winkle?

Serves warm beer. Makes real cocktails.

Hours of amusement.

Or get the new Pooh-Pooh Machine.

Embarrass your guests, completely authentic sound.

Or why not try a new Naughty Nightie.

Put it on and it melts. Just watch their faces.

Guaranteed to break the ice at naughty parties.

-Go on, go on. -What?

Do the punch line.

What punch line?

The punch line for this bit.

I don't know it. They didn't say anything about a punch line.

Oh!

Uh, well, in that case,

I'll be saying, uh, goodbye then, sir.

Goodbye, then, sir.

It's funny they didn't say...

-What's the punch line? -Punch line?

I don't think there's a punch line scheduled, is there?

Where are we? Week 39.4, no.

It's Friday, isn't it? 39.7.

Uh... Here we are.

Oh.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, very good. Oh, very good.

What a good punch line. Ah. Pity we missed that.

Still, uh, never mind, we can always do it again.

Make a series out of it. Now, if you'll just sign there,

I'll put this through to our contracts department, and, uh, you should be hearing from them in a year or two.

Can you give me a lift back?

Ah, can do. But won't.

Uh, we were wondering if we could possibly borrow your head for a piece of animation.

-What? -Oh, jolly good. Thanks very, very, very much.

-Ah! -You will get expenses.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

[GROANING]

[ENGINE RUMBLING]

MAN 1: Sergeant, somehow we've got to get in there and get it.

MAN 2: I know, but it's going to be difficult.

-MAN 1: You'll need some diversion. -MAN 2: Yes, sir. But what?

MAN 1: Well, we could, uh-- No, no, no, it's got to be--

No, not right. Wait, I've got it.

[♪♪]

Well done, soldier. Load and fire.

Yes, sir.

Fire.

MAN: Ah! Ready, aim, fire!

We are not amused.

[MAN HUMMING]

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]

Gentlemen, our MP saw the PM this a.m., and the PM wants more LSD from the PIB by tomorrow a.m. or p.m. at the latest.

I, uh, told the PM's PPS that a.m. was NBG so tomorrow p.m. it is for the PM nem. con.

Give us a fag or I'll go spare.

Now, the fiscal deficit, uh, with regard to the monetary balance the current financial year, excluding invisible exports, adjusted, of course, for seasonal variations and the incremental statistics of the fiscal and revenue arrangements for the forthcoming annual budgetary period terminating in April.

I-I think he's talking about taxation.

Bravo, Madge. Well done.

Taxation is indeed the very nub of my gist.

Gentlemen, we have to find something new to tax.

I understood that.

Uh, if I might put my head on the chopping block

-so you can kick it around a bit, sir. -Mm-hm.

Um, well, most things we do for pleasure nowadays are taxed.

Except one.

What do you mean?

Well, uh, smoking's been taxed.

Drinking's been taxed. But, uh, not, uh... thingy.

You're not suggesting we should tax... thingy?

Pooh-poohs?

No!

Thank God for that. Excuse me for a moment.

No, no, no. Thingy.

Number ones?

No. Thingy.

Thingy.

Oh!

Thingy.

Well, it'll certainly make chartered accountancy a more interesting job.

[GRUNTING] I would put a tax... on all people... who stand in water.

Ooh!

To boost the British economy,

I'd tax all foreigners living abroad.

I would tax the nude in my bed.

No, not tax.

What is the word? Um... Welcome.

I would tax Raquel Welch.

And I've a feeling she'd tax me.

I would bring back hanging and go into rope.

I would cut off the more disreputable parts of the body and use the space for playing fields.

I would tax holiday snaps.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

This is Uncle Ted in front of the house.

This is Uncle Ted at the back of the house.

And this is Uncle Ted at the side of the house.

This is Uncle Ted back again at the front of the house, but you can see the side of the house.

And this is Uncle Ted even nearer the side of the house, but you can still see the front.

This is the back of the house, with Uncle Ted coming round the side to the front.

And this is the Spanish Inquisition hiding behind the coal shed.

Oh, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

[♪♪]

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

[NARRATOR RECITING]

[MAN LAUGHING]

Ha!

Now, old woman, you are accused of heresy on three counts.

Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed and heresy by action.

Four counts.

Do you confess?

I don't understand what I'm accused of.

[LAUGHING] Ha!

Then we shall make you understand.

Biggles...

Fetch... the cushions.

[♪♪]

Here they are, lord.

Now, old lady, you have one last chance.

Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly-- Two last chances.

And you shall be free. Three last chances.

You have three last chances the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Right!

If that's the way you want it. Cardinal... poke her with the soft cushions!

[LAUGHING]

Confess!

Confess!

Confess!

It isn't hurting her, lord.

Have you got all the stuffing up one end?

Yes, lord.

Hm. She's made of harder stuff.

Cardinal Fang, fetch the comfy chair.

The comfy chair?

Yes.

-Ha-ha! -Ha-ha!

So, you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions.

Well, we shall see.

Biggles! Put her in the comfy chair!

Now, you will stay in the comfy chair until lunchtime, with only a cup of coffee at 11:00--

-Is that really all it is? -Oh, yes, lord.

I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we?

Confess, woman.

Confess. Confess!

Confess! Confess!

Oh, I confess!

Not you!

I confess.

Who was that?

I confess.

[BUZZER]

Ooo.

["GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING]

I confess.

[BUZZER]

Ooo.

["GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING]

I confess.

-[BUZZER] -Ooo.

I confess.

I confess.

I confess.

I confess.

Well, madame, I'm glad you've come to see me.

As a doctor, I shall be trying to help you and do everything I can to assist you in any way I can.

Of course, in the medical profession--

Very high stakes--

Would you repeat that? I'm a bit deaf.

Now, the BMA, the British Medical Association--

Louder, please. I still can't hear.

Now, I do make certain charm...

-Speak up. I can't hear you. I'm deaf, I say. -I confess!

I can't hear a word you're saying. You have to speak louder. Oh!

MAN: Now, for the very first time

on the silver screen, comes the film

from two books that once shocked a generation.

From Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights

and from the International Guide to Semaphore Code,

Twentieth Century Vole presents:

The Semaphore Version of Wuthering Heights.

[♪♪]

From the pulsating pages of history,

from the dark and furious days of Imperial Rome,

we bring you a story that shattered the world.

A tale so gripping that they said it could not be filmed.

A unique event in cinema history.

Julius Caesar on an Aldis Lamp.

From the makers of

Gunfight at O.K. Coral in Morse Code.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?

We have, my lord.

And how do you find the defendant?

Two words. First word.

Rope? String?

Point?

Belt?

Tie?

Cravat? Silk square?

Knot?

-[APPLAUSE] -Knot. Knot.

Second word. Two syllables.

First syllable.

Bird?

Swimmer?

Breaststroke.

Brian Phelps.

No, no, no, he was a diver.

-Esther Williams, then. -No, no, don't be silly.

How can you find someone Not Esther Williams?

Fish.

Fish... wheeze.

-Fish wheeze? -[ACTOR GASPING]

Fish breathe.

Fish breathe throat.

Fish breathe throat? Gill!

-Gill! -Gill.

Not gill.

Second syllable.

Not gill.

Drink.

Sip? Imbibe?

MAN 1: Not gill...

Cup! Not gill-cup!

You've been found not gill-cup of the charges brought against you and may leave this court a free man.

Right. My turn.

Four words.

Uh, first word "shout"?

-Bellow? -Call?

-Call! -[APPLAUSE]

Second word is very small.

Um. A?

-An? -Up?

The? The!

Call the.

Third word.

Gill?

Fish?

-Adam's apple. -Neck.

Sounds like neck?

Next.

Call the next!

[APPLAUSE]

Fourth word, three syllables. First syllable.

-Uh, ear? -Hear. Can't hear.

Deaf?

-MAN 2: Deaf! -[APPLAUSE]

Call the next deaf...

-Uh, bottom? -Seat?

Trouser? Cheek?

End! Call the next def-end!

ALL: Ant!

Very good.

Call the next defendant! Call the next defendant.

The Honorable Mr. Justice Kilbraken.

If I may charge you, my lord?

You are charged, my lord, that on the fourteenth day of June, 1970, at the Central Criminal Court, you did commit acts likely to cause a breach of the peace.

How plead you, my lord, guilty or not guilty?

Not guilty. Case not proven. Court adjourned.

JUDGE: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No-no. No.

No, you're in the dock, my lord.

I'm a judge, my lord.

So am I, my lord. So watch it.

Ha! Call this a court?

MAN 1: Call this a court.

ALL: Call this a court.

Shut up. Right. Now, get on with the spiel.

My lord, and my other lord, uh, the prosecution will endeavor to show, my lord, that my lord-- Uh, not you, my lord.

That my lord, my lord. While passing sentence at the Central Criminal Court blotted his copybook.

Call exhibit Q.

Q?

Sorry, did I say Q? I meant A. Sorry, call exhibit A.

MAN 1: Call exhibit A.

Exhibit A, my lord, Miss Rita Thang.

An artist's model, Swedish accordion teacher, and cane-chair saleslady, was found guilty under the Rude Behavior Act in the accused's court.

The accused, my lord, sentenced her to be taken from this place and brought round to his place.

-Objection, my lord. -Objection sustained.

You shut up! Objection overruled.

Now, the accused then commented on Miss Thang's bodily structure, made several not-at-all legal remarks on the subject of fun, and then placed his robes over his head and began to emit low moans.

Have you anything to say in your defense?

I haven't had any for weeks.

Oh, no? What about that little number you've got tucked away in Belsize Park?

Oh, I never!

Oh, no. Ho-ho-ho-ho!

All right, then what about 8A Woodford Square?

You say anything about that and I'll do you for treason.

Uh, my lord, if we could continue.

He's got a Chinese bit there.

No, that's contempt of court.

-Oh, it's only a joke. -Contempt of court.

However, I'm not going to punish you because we're so short of judges at the moment.

What with all of them emigrating to South Africa.

I'm going tomorrow, I've got me ticket.

Get out there and get some decent sentencing done.

Ooh! England makes you sick.

Best I can manage here is life imprisonment.

Hardly worth coming in in the morning.

Now, South Africa, you've got your cat-o'-nine-tails, you've got four death sentences a week.

You've got cheap drinks, slave labor and a booming stock market.

I'm off, I tell you.

Yes. I'm up to here with probation and bleeding psychiatric reports.

That's it, I'm off. That's it.

Right. But I'm going to have one final fling before I leave.

So I sentence you to be burnt at the stake.

Blimey. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

[♪♪]

Two-- Three for the Old Bailey, please.

-Look, they've started the credits. -Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Hurry, hurry!

There's the lighting credit. Only five left.

Hell, it's the producer. Quick!

Nobody expects the Span-- Oh, bugger.