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It's a Living

[♪♪]

Hello, good evening, and welcome to It's a Living.

The rules are very simple.

Each week we get a large fee.

At the end of that week we get another large fee.

If there's been no interruption at the end of the year, we get a repeat fee, which can be added on for tax purposes to the previous year, or the following year if there's no new series.

Every contestant, in addition to getting a large fee, is entitled to three drinks at the BBC, or, if the show is over, seven drinks.

Unless he's an MP, in which case he can have seven drinks before the show.

Or a bishop, only three drinks in toto.

The winners will receive an additional fee, a prize which they can flog back, and a special fee for a guest appearance on Late-Night Lineup.

Well, those are the rules, that's the game, we'll be back again same time next week. Till then, bye-bye.

[♪♪]

[ANNOUNCER] Well, it's five past 9

and nearly time for six past nine.

On BBC 2, it'll shortly be six and a half minutes past 9.

Later on this evening it'll be 10 'o' clock,

and at 10:30, we'll be joining BBC 2 in time for 10:33.

And don't forget tomorrow, when it'll be 9:20.

Those of you who missed 8:45 on Friday

will be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to 9.

Now here's a time check.

It's six and a half minutes to the big green thing.

[MAN] You're a loony.

[ANNOUNCER] I get so bored.

I get so bloody bored.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[WOMAN] This way, please.

[ANNOUNCER] Right-o, I'm coming.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Yes, sir. This-- This way, eh?

Ooh. Bloody hell. Where are the lights?

- [CLATTERING] - Ooh-- Ah! What's this?

[THEME PLAYS] Ooh-- Oh, damn, where are they?

Here, how does this turn off?

Oh, it won't stop.

- [CLATTERING] - Oh! Ah. Ah! Oh!

Where are the lights?

Oh! Oh, here they are.

Ooh!

[METAL CLANGING]

You probably noticed that I didn't say,

"And now for something completely different" just now.

Uh, this is simply because

I am unable to appear in the show this week.

Sorry to interrupt.

I'm terribly sorry to interrupt, but, uh, my tooth's hurting.

It's just about here. See?

[MAN] Get off!

Oh, sorry.

I'm not sorry to interrupt.

I'd interrupt anything if it gets people looking in my direction.

Like at my old school, where, by a coincidence, the annual prize-giving is going on at this very moment.

[PLAYS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

My Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress... it gives me very great pleasure to return to my old school to present the prizes in this centenary year.

[SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE]

This school takes very justifiable pride in its fine record of--

Oh-- Ah!

[SLAPPING, GRUNTING]

[BISHOP] Ooh! Ow! Ooh!

- Ow! - [CLANGING]

Uh-oh-- Ooh!

[GRUNTING]

Scholarship and sporting achievement in all--

[GRUNTING, SLAPPING]

Uh. Uh, I'm-- I'm afraid there's been a mistake.

Uh, the man who has been speaking to you is an impostor.

He is not, in fact, the bishop of East Anglia, but a man wanted by the police.

I am the bishop of East Anglia, and anybody who doesn't believe me can look me up in the book.

Now, then, the first prize is this beautiful silver cup, uh, which has been won by me.

Next, uh, we come to the Fairfax Atkinson Trophy for outstanding achievement in the field of applied mathematics.

Uh, well, there was no one this year who reached the required standard, and so it goes in my sack.

And by an old rule of the school, all the other silver trophies also go in my sack.

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTING, SLAPPING]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[CHINESE ACCENT] Very sorry for holdup.

Uh, no problem now.

Me are bishop of East Anglia.

Now to present, uh, prizes.

I is down, uh, for first prize.

The Fyffe-Chulmleigh Spoon for Latin Elegiacs, uh, goes to People's Republic of China!

[SCREAMS, SLAPPING, GRUNTING]

Good evening, everybody.

My name's Bradshaw. Inspector Elizabeth Bradshaw of the Special Branch Speech Day Squad.

But I'd like you all to think of me as the bishop of East Anglia.

And I'd like to present the first prize,

- the Grimwade Gynn Trophy-- - [MACHINE GUN FIRE]

Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress, Mr. Chairman, ladies, gentlemen and boys.

Please do not panic.

Please keep your heads right down now.

And at the back, please, keep your heads right down.

Do not panic, don't look around. This building is surrounded.

There is nothing to worry about. I am the bishop of East Anglia.

Now, the first prize is the Granville Cup for French Unseen Translation, and it goes to Forbes Minor.

Forbes Minor, right.

Uh, give him covering fire. Come on, Forbes. Come on, boy.

Come and get it, now. Come on. Keep down. Well done.

Oh, bad luck, Forbes.

The next prize--

Mr. L.F. Dibley's latest film, If...

Mr. Dibley, some people have drawn comparisons between your film, If..., which ends with a gun battle at a public school, and Mr. Lindsay Anderson's film, If... which ends with a gun battle at a public school.

Oh, yes, well, I mean, there were some people who said my film,

2001: A Space Odyssey, was similar to Stanley Kubrick's, heh.

I mean, that's the sort of petty, critical niggling that's dogged my career.

All makes me sick.

I mean, as soon as I had made Midnight Cowboy, uh, with the vicar as Ratso Rizzo,

John Schlesinger rushes out his version and gets it premiered while mine's still at the chemist's.

Well, we have with us tonight one of your films, Rear Window, which was to become such a success for Alfred Hitchcock a few weeks later.

Um, now, this is a silent film, so perhaps you could talk us through it.

Yes. Well, let's see, now.

There's the rear window.

Uh, there's the man looking out of the window.

Uh, he sees the murder.

The murderer's coming to the room to kill him, but he's, uh, outwitted him and he's all right. The end.

I mean, Alfred Hitchcock, who's supposed to be so bloody wonderful, padded that out to one and a half hours, heh.

Lost all the tension.

Just because he had bloody Grace Kelly, he made £3 million more than I did.

Mind you, at least she can act a bit.

I could have done with her in Finian's Rainbow.

The man from the off-license was terrible.

A real failure that was.

Ten seconds of solid boredom.

Bloody terrible.

Mr. L.F. Dibley's Finian's Rainbow.

And now over to me.

Exclusively on the program today, we have the foreign secretary, who's just returned from the bitter fighting in the Gulf of Oman.

He's going to tell us about canoeing.

Good evening.

[INDISTINCT MUMBLING]

That gives you just some idea of what's going on out there.

Today saw the long-awaited publication of the Portman Committee's report on industrial reorganization.

It's taken five years to prepare, and it's bound to have an enormous impact on the future of industrial relations in this country.

In the studio tonight, Lord Portman, chairman of the committee,

Sir Charles Avery, Employers' Reorganization Council, and Ray Millichope, leader of the Allied Technicians' Union.

And they're going to make a human pyramid.

[♪♪]

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

Bra-vo.

Now, the president of the Board of Trade.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Good evening.

[INDISTINCT MUMBLING]

Now here's the vice-chairman of ICI.

Good evening.

[INDISTINCT MUMBLING]

Well, so much for politics and the problems of Britain's industrial reorganization.

Now we turn to the lighter subject of sport, and Reg Harris, the former world cycling sprint champion talks to us about the psychological problems of big-race preparation.

[INDISTINCT MUMBLING]

And now the world of song, Anne Ziegler and Webster Booth.

[INDISTINCT MUMBLING]

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

Well, all good things must come to an end, and that's all for this week.

But to close our program, Dame Irene Stoat, who celebrates her 85th birthday this month, reads one of her most famous poems.

Who shall declare this good

That ill when good And ill so intertwine

But to fulfill the vast design Of an omniscient will?

When seeming gain But turns to loss...

[INDISTINCT MUMBLING]

When earthly treasure Proves but dross

And what seemed lost But turns again

To high eternal gain?

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

We have had the most marvelous holiday.

- It was absolutely fantastic. - Mm, absolutely wonderful. Yes.

Michael, you tell them about it.

You do it so much better.

It was you that had that...

[DOORBELL RINGS]

He was really going to ask.

Excuse me a moment. Hm.

Dung, sir.

- What? - We got your dung.

- What dung? - Your dung.

Three hundredweight of every dropping. Where do you want it?

I didn't order any dung.

Oh, yes, you did, sir. Through the Book of the Month Club.

- Book of the Month Club? - That's right.

You get, uh, Gone with the Wind,

Les Misérables by Victor Hugo, The French Lieutenant's Woman, and with every third book, you get dung.

I didn't know that when I signed the form.

Well, no, no, it wasn't on the form.

No, they found it wasn't good for business.

We got three hundredweight of dung in the van.

- Where do you want it? - Well, I-- I don't think we do.

- We've no garden. - Well, it'll all fit in here.

- It's top-class excrement. - You can't put it in here.

- We're having a dinner party. - It's all right.

- I'll put it on the telly. - Well-- L-listen.

- Darling... - [FLIES BUZZING] there's a man here with our Book of the Month Club dung.

We've no room, dear. And I said to her...

Well, how many rooms have you got, then?

Well, there's only this room, the, uh, bedroom, a spare room.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Uh, move everything into the main bedroom.

Then you can use the spare room as a dung room.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Yes? - Dead Indian.

What?

- Have you recently bought a new cooker, sir? - Yes.

Oh, well, this is your free dead Indian, as advertised.

I didn't see that in the adverts.

No, it's in very small print, you see, sir, so as not to affect the sales.

We've no room.

Oh, that's all right. You can put the, uh, dead Indian

- in the spare room, on top of the dung. - Yeah.

Me heap dizzy.

He's not dead.

It was probably a faulty cooker.

Have you, uh... read and enjoyed The French Lieutenant's Woman?

- No. - [PHONE RINGS]

Still, it's worth it for the dung, isn't it?

Darling, it's the Milk Marketing Board.

For every two cartons of single cream, we get the M4 motorway.

[SIRENS BLARING]

Are you Mr. and Mrs. P. Forbes of 7, the Studios, Elstree?

- Yes. - Right. Well, get in the car.

We've won you in the police raffle.

Yes, this couple is just one of the prizes in this year's police raffle.

Other prizes include two years for breaking and entering, a crate of search warrants, a "What's All This, Then?" T-shirt, and a weekend for two with a skinhead of your own choice.

[ANNOUNCER] And that's not all.

Three fabulous new prizes have just been added.

A four-month supply of interesting undergarments,

a fully motorized pig,

and a hand-painted scene of Arabian splendor

complete with silly walk.

[HUMS]

[YELLING]

Finally, add the sliced meat, garnish the vegetables, and voilà:

A meal fit for a--

Personally, I prefer more classical dishes.

Nigel, wonderful to see you.

Super, super, super.

Am I a teeny bit late?

Oh, well, a bit. An hour.

Oh, super. Only Snowdon's been retouching my profile, and we can't upset the lovely Snowdon, can we?

Gosh, no-- David Bloggs, the one and only.

Super to see you. Who are you working for?

Come and work for me. I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.

It is really lovely to have this little chat with you.

Well, I--

It is so nice to be able to have this little talk about things.

I heard a teeny rumorlette that you were married.

Well, not quite. No, uh, my wife's just died, actually.

Oh, dear.

Brian, we must get together again soon!

See you, ooh-hoo! Bye.

Well, perhaps we could do a tribute to her on the show.

- Well, no, I-- - I'll get Peter, William, Arthur,

Alex, Joan, Ted, Scott, Will, John and Ray to fix it up.

It is so nice having this little chat.

Well, actually, Timmy, I'm glad to get you on your own--

You don't mind if Peter just sits in, do you?

- Well, actually-- - Oh, he's doing an article on me for the Mail. He's such a lovely person.

- Hello. - Uh, Peter, this is one of the nicest people in the world, Nigel Watt.

Uh. W-A-double-T. That's right, yes.

Um, actually, Timmy, the thing is, it's a bit private.

Oh, uh, you don't mind, uh, if Peter just sits in, do you?

Only Peter's writing a book on me.

Uh, Peter, you know Tony from the Mail, don't you?

Yes, we met in the Turkish bath yesterday.

Super. And did it come up well in the writing yesterday?

Great, great, great.

Uh, you took out the, uh, the tummy references?

- Yes, I did. - Super, super, super.

- Uh, just to fill you in, uh, this is Nigel Watt... - Mm-hm.

...and we're having a little heart-to-heart.

H-E-A-R-T. Smashing.

Do go on, Nigel.

Well-- Well-- Well, the thing is, Timmy, um--

Oh.

Uh, do carry on. It's the TV Times.

Only they syndicate these photographs to America.

Uh, would you mind if we just, uh...?

Super, super. One over here, I think, Bob.

A little smile, please.

Smashing, smashing.

Uh, feel free, Bob, to circulate, won't you?

Uh, do go on. This is most interesting.

Well, the thing is, Timmy, I'm a bit embarrassed--

Oh, Mr. Williams. It's nice to see you.

Will you sign this for my daughter, please?

Hello, Mario. Super, wonderful. Just two lovely coffees, please.

Sorry, sorry! Timmy, can we just go from where Mario comes in?

We're getting bad sound, okay?

Uh, it's German television. Isn't it exciting, Nigel?

They're doing a prize-winning documentary on me.

The Wonderful Mr. Williams, scene 239, take 2.

[DIRECTOR] Speed.

Action!

Mario, how super to see you.

How are the lovely family?

Please give your little daughter this. Thank you.

- And just two lovely coffees, please. - Yes, sir.

Such a lovely waiter.

Now, go on, please, This is most interesting.

Well, uh. As I-- As I was saying, Timmy, um, my wife's gone.

Gone. I've got three children, and I'm at my wits' end.

No job, no insurance, no money at all. I--

I'm absolutely flat broke. I-- I just don't know where to turn.

I-- I'm absolutely at the end of my tether.

You're my only chance. Can you help me, please, Timmy?

Sorry, I was on the phone to America.

It's been super having this lovely little chat.

We must do this again more often.

Uh, will you get the coffees? I'm afraid I must dash.

I'm an hour late for the Israeli Embassy.

- [GUNSHOT] - [GROAN]

Uh, did you get that shot all right, sound?

[SOUNDMAN] Yes, fine.

It-- It-- It wasn't a bit too wicked, was it?

- Oh, no. - I mean, it wasn't too cruel?

- It was great. - No? Super.

Uh, well, uh, I think it shows I'm human, don't you?

Yeah, it's great.

Well, the charabanc's here. Come on, everybody.

Bye!

[ANNOUNCER] Timmy Williams' Coffee Time

was brought to you live from Woppi's in Holborn.

[♪♪]

Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight one of the country's leading skin specialists,

Raymond Luxury Yacht.

That's not my name.

I'm sorry. Raymond Luxury Ya-cht.

No, no. No, it's spelt "Raymond Luxury Ya-cht," but it's pronounced "Throatwobbler Mangrove."

You're a very silly man, and I'm not going to interview you.

- Ah! Anti-Semitism. - Not at all.

It's not even a proper nose.

It's polystyrene.

Give me my nose back.

You can collect at reception. Now, go away.

- I want to be on television. - Well, you can't.

Psst. All clear.

[WOMAN GIGGLING]

Wee! Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

Waa-ha-ha!

Whoo! Wee!

- Ah, ha-ha! - Hi there, big boy.

Woo, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Hoo-hoo. [LAUGHS]

Hey, cutie.

Hello, tiger.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Whoo! Hee-hee-hee! Tiger.

Tiger. Whoo-hoo!

Hee-hee! Tiger.

Me tiger.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Excuse me, I want to get married.

I'm afraid I'm already married, sir.

No, no. I just want to get married.

I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'd be a bit of a wrench.

No, no, that won't be necessary--

So would you come to my place or should I come to yours?

I've just got a big mortgage.

No, I want to get married here.

Oh, dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.

Look, I just want you to marry me to--

I want to marry you too, sir, but it's not as simple as that.

You sure you want to get married?

Yes, I want to get married very quickly.

- Suits me, sir. Suits me. - I don't want to marry you.

There is such a thing as breach of promise, sir.

Look, I just want you to act as registrar and marry me.

I will marry you, sir, but please make up your mind.

Please don't trifle with my affections.

I'm sorry, but--

All right. I forgive you. Lovers' tiff.

But you're not the first person to ask me today.

I've turned down several people already.

Look, I'm already engaged.

Yes, and I'm already married. Still, we'll get around it.

Good morning. I want to get married.

I'm afraid I'm already marrying this gentleman, sir.

Well, can I get married after him?

Divorce isn't as quick as that, sir. Still, if you're keen...

I'd like to get married, please.

Ah, heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it?

All right. You'll have to wait until I've married these two.

What, those two, getting married?

Nigel, what are you doing marrying him?

He's marrying me first, sir.

He's engaged to me.

Come on, Henry.

- Blimey, the wife. - Will you marry me?

I'm already married.

[MAN] Well, things turned out all right in the end.

But you mustn't ask how, because it's naughty.

They're all married

and living quite well in a council estate near Dulwich.

[WOMAN HUMMING]

Today I want to tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was an enchanted prince

who ruled the land beyond the Wobbles.

One day, he discovered a spot on his face.

Foolishly, he ignored it,

and three years later he died of--

[MAN] Gangrene.

[WOMAN] The spot, however, flourished,

soon set out to seek its fortune.

[MAN] Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah-- Oh!

[MUFFLED]

[LAUGHS]

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[PANTING]

Mwah!

[♪♪]

[CHURCH BELLS TOLL]

- [DOOR CLOSES] - [WOMAN 1] Agnes, did you see who just moved in next door?

[WOMAN 2] Yes. Black as the ace of spades.

[WOMAN 1] Oh, there goes the neighborhood.

Them and their smelly cooking.

[WOMAN 2] And the noise.

[WOMAN 1] And they breed like rabbits.

- [WOMAN 2] Oh, yes. - [WOMAN 1] Oh, like rabbits.

[♪♪]

Hello and welcome to Election Night Special.

There's great excitement, as we should be getting the first results through any moment now.

We don't know where from. Maybe Leicester or Luton.

The polling's been quite heavy in both areas--

Oh, wait a moment. I'm just getting--

[BUZZING] A loud buzzing noise in my left ear.

Excuse me a moment.

Ew!

Anyway, let's go straight over to James Gilbert at Leicester.

[GILBERT] Well, it's a straight fight here at Leicester.

On the left of the returning officer you can see Arthur Smith, the Sensible candidate, and his agent.

And on the other side is the Silly candidate,

Jethro Walrustitty, with his agent and his wife.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Here is the result for Leicester.

Arthur J. Smith--

[JAMES] Sensible party.

[OFFICER] Thirty thousand six hundred and twelve.

- [CROWD CHEERS] - [SCATTERED BOOS]

Jethro Q. Walrustitty--

[GILBERT] Silly party.

[OFFICER] --thirty-two thousand one hundred and eight.

[CROWD CHEERS]

Well, there's the first result, and the Silly Party have held Leicester.

What do you make of it, Norman?

Well, this is largely as I predicted, except that the Silly Party won.

Uh...I think this is mainly due to the number of votes cast. Gerald.

Uh, well, there's a swing here to the Silly Party, but how big a swing, I'm not gonna tell you.

I think the interesting thing here is the big swing to the Silly Party, and, of course, the very large swing back, and a tendency to wobble up and down because the screw is loose.

I'm afraid I can't think of anything.

I can't add anything to that. Colin.

Can I just butt in and say this is the very first time I've ever appeared on television?

We haven't time. We're going straight to Luton.

[GILBERT] Here at Luton, it's a three-cornered fight between Alan Jones, Sensible Party, in the middle,

Tarquin Fim-Tim-Lim- Bim-Whim-Bim-Lim

Bus Stop-F'tang-F'tang- Olé-Biscuit Barrel, Silly Party, and Kevin Phillips-Bong, the Slightly Silly candidate.

Alan Jones--

[GILBERT] On the left, Sensible Party.

[OFFICER] --nine thousand one hundred and twelve.

[CROWD CHEERS]

[OFFICER] Kevin Phillips-Bong--

[GILBERT] On the right, Slightly Silly.

[OFFICER] Naught.

Tarquin Fim-Tim-Lim- Bim-Whim-Bim-Lim

Bus Stop-F'tang-F'tang- Olé-Biscuit Barrel--

[GILBERT] Silly.

--Twelve thousand four hundred and forty one.

[CROWD CHEERS]

[GILBERT] And so the Silly Party has taken Luton.

A gain for the Silly Party at Luton.

The first gain of the election. Norman.

This is highly significant.

Luton, normally a very sensible constituency, with a high proportion of people who aren't silly, has gone completely gaga.

Do we have the swing at Luton?

Well, I've worked out the swing, but it's a secret.

Uh, well, um...

There-- There isn't the swing. Um, how about the swung?

Well, I've got the swung here in this box, and it's looking fine.

I can see through the breathing holes that it's eating up peanuts at a rate of naught.

And, uh, how about the swang?

Well, it's, uh, 29 percent up over 600 feet, but it's a little bit soft around the edges about--

And the nylon dot cardigan and plastic mule rest?

- [MAN] There's no such thing! - Thank you, Spike.

Can I just come in here and say that the swung has choked itself to death.

The election's really hotting up now.

I can't add anything to that.

Uh, can I just add at this point, this is the second time

I've ever appeared on TV?

We're just about to get another result.

[GILBERT] Hello, from Harpenden. Now, this is a key seat because in addition to the official Silly candidate, there is an independent Very Silly candidate who may split the Silly vote.

Mr. Elsie Zzz--

[GILBERT] Silly.

--twenty-six thousand three hundred and seventeen.

[CROWD CHEERS]

James Walker--

[GILBERT] Sensible.

--twenty-six thousand three hundred and eighteen.

[GILBERT] That was close.

Malcolm Peter-Brian- Telescope-Adrian

Umbrella Stand-Jasper-Wednesday

Pop-Pop-Stoat Gobbler John-Raw Vegetable

Woff-Arthur-Norman-Michael- Beep-Featherstone-Smith

[WHISTLES]

Northgot-Edwards-Harris

[GUNSHOT, SCREAM]

Mason-Chuff-Chuff-Chuff-Chuff Frampton-Jones

Fruit Bat-Gilbert

♪ We'll Keep A Welcome In The-- ♪

[THREE GUNSHOTS]

Williams-If I Could Walk That Way-Jenkin

[KAZOO WHISTLE]

Tiger Drawers-Pratt-Thompson

♪ Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head ♪

Darcy-Carter

[WHISTLES]

Pussycat- ♪ Don't Sleep In The Subway ♪

Barton-Mannering

[HORN HONKS, GRUNTS]

Smith--

[GILBERT] Very Silly.

--two.

[GILBERT] Well, there you have it.

A Sensible gain here at Driffield.

- Norman? - I've just heard from Luton that my aunt is ill.

Uh, possibly-- Possibly gastroenteritis. Gerald.

Uh, well, if this happened over the whole country, it'd probably be very messy. Colin.

Can I just butt in and say here that it's probably the last time

I shall ever appear on television?

No, I'm afraid we haven't got time.

Uh, just a few results that you may have missed.

Engelbert Humperdinck has taken Barrow-in-Furness.

Uh, that's a gain from Ann Haydon-Jones and her husband, Pip.

Uh, Arthur Negus has held Bristols.

Uh, that's... not a result, that's a bit of gossip.

And, uh, Mary Whitehouse has just taken umbrage.

Could be a bit of trouble there.

And apparently Wales is not swinging at all.

No surprise there.

And, uh, Monty Python has held the credits.

[♪♪]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]