Home > Monty Python's Flying Circus

The Attila the Hun Show

[♪♪]

[ANNOUNCER 1] In the fifth century,

as the once-mighty Roman Empire crumbled,

the soft underbelly of Western Europe

lay invitingly exposed

to the barbarian hordes to the east.

Alaric the Visigoth,

Gaiseric the Vandal,

and Theodoric the Ostrogoth in turn swept westward

in a reign of terror.

But none surpassed in power and cruelty

the mighty Attila the Hun.

[ANNOUNCER 2] Ladies and gentlemen, it's The Attila the Hun Show.

[TONY ROMEO'S "JUST A LITTLE LOVE" PLAYING]

♪ With a little love Just a little love ♪

♪ Open you heart ♪

♪ And see where it's needed ♪

♪ With a little love Just a little love ♪

♪ Feel it in your heart When you've succeeded ♪

♪ Making all the sounds Of love ♪

♪ Getting some sun And you're alive ♪

♪ Making all the clouds Roll away ♪

♪ Letting some sun In your life ♪

♪ And you can light ♪

♪ Light up The gloomiest night ♪

♪ Color the gloomiest day ♪

♪ Chase all your cares away ♪

♪ With a little love Just a little love ♪

♪ With a little love ♪ ♪ Just a little love ♪

♪ With a little love ♪

[ANNOUNCER 1] In the second quarter of the fifth century,

the Huns became a byword for merciless savagery.

Their khan was the mighty warrior Attila.

With his devastating armies, he swept across Central Europe.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, darling, I'm home.

Hello, darling. Have a busy day at the office?

Not at all bad.

Another merciless sweep across Central Europe.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well...I won't say I'm glad to see you, but, boy, am I glad to see you.

[CANNED APPLAUSE]

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Daddy.

Hi, Jenny. Hi, Robby.

[CANNED APPLAUSE]

Hey, I've got a present for you two kids in that bag.

I want you kids to get ahead.

[CANNED LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

[EXAGGERATED BLACK ACCENT] Here you are, Mr. Hun!

Hi, Uncle Tom.

There's a whole horde of them marauding Visigoths to see y'all.

[♪♪]

And now for something completely different.

It's...

[♪♪]

[ANNOUNCER] Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[ANNOUNCER 1] Yes, it's Attila the Nun.

[CRASH]

[ANNOUNCER 2] A simple country girl

who took a vow of eternal brutality.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Nurse.

Hello, Miss Norris. How are you?

Not too bad, thank you, doctor.

Yes, well, I think I'd better examine you.

Um, what are they doing here?

[DOCTOR] Uh, i-it's all right, they're students. Um...

Light, please, nurse.

Oh, and, uh, music too.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKER]

Breathe in... out.

In... out.

In... [APPLAUSE] out.

Thank you, thank you.

Charles Crompton, the stripping doctor.

And next, gentlemen and ladies, here at the Peephole Club, for the very first time, a very big welcome, please, for the secretary of state for commonwealth affairs.

Good evening.

Tonight, I'd like to restate our position on agricultural subsidies and their effect on our commonwealth relationships.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Now, although we believe theoretically in ending guaranteed farm prices, we also believe in the need for the corresponding, uh, import levy to maintain consumer prices at a realistic, uh, level.

But this would have the effect of consolidating our gains of the previous fiscal year prior to the entry.

But I pledge that, should we join the Common Market, even maintaining the present position on subsidies, we will never jeopardize, we will never compromise our unique relationship with the commonwealth countries.

A prices structure related to any, uh, import charges will be systematically adjusted uh, to the particular requirements of our commonwealth partners, so that, together, we will maintain a positive and mutually beneficial alliance in world trade and for world peace.

Thank you and good night.

[APPLAUSE]

Wasn't he marvelous?

The secretary of state for commonwealth affairs.

And now, gentlemen and ladies, a very big welcome, please, for the minister of pensions and social security!

[ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[♪♪]

[ANNOUNCER] Yes, today in Britain,

there is a new wave of interest in politics and politicians.

Well, we're in it for the lobbying, you know.

We just love lobbying.

And the debates. You know, a good debate is just fabulous.

Well, I've been going with ministers for five years now, and, uh, you know, I think they're wonderful.

Oh, yes. I like civil servants.

- Oh, yes, they're nice. - Yeah.

- I-- I like the Speaker. - Oh, yeah.

I like Black Rod.

[ANNOUNCER] What do their parents think?

Well, she's broken our hearts, the little bastard.

She's been nothing but trouble, and if she comes round here again,

I'll kick her teeth in.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Have you been talking to television again, dear?

Yes, I bloody told them.

What about?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, was it Reginald Bosanquet?

No, no, no.

Did he have his head all bandaged?

No, it wasn't like that.

They had lights and cameras and tape recorders, all that sort of thing.

Oh, that'll be Ray Baxter, and the boys and girls from Tomorrow's World.

Oh, I prefer Reginald Bosanquet. There's not so many of them.

- Hm. - [DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that'll be the ratcatcher.

Hello. Mr. and Mrs. Concrete?

- Yes. - Yes.

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, how very nice.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Leslie Ames, the chairman of the Test Selection Committee.

And I'm very pleased to be able to tell you that your flat has been chosen as the venue for the third test against the West Indies.

Really?

No, it was just a little joke.

I'm the council ratcatcher.

Oh, yes, we've been expecting you.

Oh. I gather you've got a little rodental problem.

Oh, blimey, you'd think he was awake all the night, scrabbling down by the wainscoting.

Mm. that's an interesting word, isn't it?

What?

Wainscoting.

Wainscoting.

Wainscoting.

Sounds like a little Dorset village.

Wainscoting.

We've been mentioned on telly!

Uh, where is it worst?

Well, uh, down here,

- you can usually hear them. - Ah. Shh.

Sh. Sh. Sh.

Sh.

[SHEEP BLEATING]

No, that's sheep you've got there.

No, that's definitely sheep.

- Bit of a puzzle, really. - Is it?

Yeah, well, I mean, it's A, not gonna respond to a nice piece of cheese, and B, it isn't gonna fit into a trap.

Whoa. What you gonna do?

Well, we'll have to look for the hole.

Oh, yeah.

Mm. Oh.

Oi. There's one here.

[LESLIE] No, no, no. No, that's mice.

Oh. This is what we're after.

Move that.

Yup.

[MAN] Oh, yeah.

E-excuse me, is the third test in here?

No, no, that was a joke. It was a joke.

It was a joke.

Right. Well, I'm going in the wainscoting.

They said it again!

Lay down some sheep poison.

Ooh.

[SHEEP BLEATING]

[BANG]

[GROANING]

It's got a gun.

Oh. Blimey.

Now, normally, a sheep is a placid, timid creature, but you've got a killer.

It's an entirely new strain of sheep.

A killer sheep that can not only hold a rifle, but is also a first-class shot.

But where are they coming from, professor?

That I don't know.

I just don't know.

I really just don't know.

I'm afraid I really just don't know.

I'm afraid even I really just don't know.

I have to tell you I'm afraid even I really just don't know.

I'm afraid I have to tell you that--

Thank you.

I don't know.

Our only clue is this portion of wolf's clothing, which the killer sheep--

Was wearing.

--in yesterday's raid on Selfridges.

I'll carry out tests on it straightaway, professor.

[WEST-INDIAN ACCENT] Hello, is the third test in here, please, man?

Professor, there are some cricketers in the laboratory.

This may be even more serious than even I had at first been imagining.

What a strange, strange line.

There's no time to waste.

Get me the commissioner of police.

Yes, sir.

No, no, on the phone!

Look of fear!

Another strange line.

Look out, Miss Garter Oil!

Professor, what is it? What have you seen?

Look, it's there, in the doorway.

[SCREAMS]

Arthur X, leader of the Pennine Gang.

Don't nobody move.

We're reverting to putting Plan A into operation.

Mugsy, Louie, Luau.

[GUNSHOTS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Next, Basil. You and the kid. Move.

[GUNSHOTS]

Okay, boys, this time we go for the heavy stuff.

[BANJO MUSIC PLAYING]

But soon the killer sheep began to infect other animals with its startling intelligence.

Pussycats began to arrange mortgages.

Cocker spaniels began to design supermarkets.

And parrots started to announce television programs.

It's 8:00, and time for the news.

Good evening. Here is the news for parrots.

No parrots were involved in an accident on the M1 today when a lorry carrying high-octane fuel was in collision with a bollard.

That is a bollard and not a parrot.

A spokesman for parrots said he was glad no parrots were involved.

The minister of technology today met the three Russian leaders to discuss a 664 million airliner deal.

None of them went in the cage or swung on the little wooden trapeze, or ate any of the nice millet seed.

Yum, yum.

That's the end of the news.

Now our programs for parrots continue with part three of A Tale of Two Cities, specially adapted for parrots by Joey Boy.

The story so far:

Dr. Manette is in England after 18 years in the Bastille.

His daughter, Lu-- Lucie,

awaits her lover, Charles Darnay,

whom we just learnt is, in fact, the nephew

of the Marquis de St. Evremond,

whose cruelty had placed Manette in the Bastille.

Darnay arrives to find Lucie tending her aged father.

[HIGH-PITCHED SQUAWK] Hello. Hello.

- Hello. - Hello, hello, hello.

- Who's a pretty boy, then? - Hello, hello.

- Who's a pretty boy? - Ooh.

- Hello, hello. - Ooh.

Hello, hello.

- I'm a pretty parrot. - Hello, hello.

And while that's going on, here is the news for gibbons.

No gibbons were involved in...

[ANNOUNCER] While that's going on,

here from Westminster

is a parliamentary report for humans.

In the debate, a spokesman accused the government of being silly and doing not-at-all-good things.

The member accepted this in a spirit of healthy criticism, but denied that he'd ever been naughty with a choirboy.

Angry shouts of "What about the watermelon, then?" were ordered by the Speaker stricken from the record and put into a brown paper bag in the lavvy.

Any further interruptions would be cut off and distributed amongst the poor.

For the government, a front-bench spokesman said the agricultural tariff would have to be raised, and he fancied a bit.

Furthermore, he argued, this would give a large boost to farmers and a lot of fun to him, his friend and Miss Moist of Knightsbridge.

From the back benches there were opposition shouts of "Postcards for sale" and a healthy cry of "Who likes a sailor, then?" from the minister without portfolio.

Replying, the shadow minister said he could no longer deny the rumors, but he and the dachshund were very happy.

And in any case, he argued, rhubarb was cheap, and what was the harm in a sauna bath?

--were not involved.

The minister of technology met the three Russian leaders today to discuss a 664 million airliner deal.

None of them were indigenous to Australia, carried their babies in pouches, or ate any of those yummy eucalyptus leaves.

Yum, yum.

That's the news for wombats, And now, Attila the Bun.

[BUN YELLING]

Well, that's all for Attila the Bun.

And now...idiots.

[♪♪]

[ANNOUNCER] Arthur Figgis is an idiot.

A village idiot.

Tonight, we look at the idiot in society.

Well, I feel very keenly that the idiot is a part of the old village system, and as such has a vital role to play in the modern rural society.

Because, you see--

[BLITHERING]

And the birds fly nightly on the-- Thank you, vicar.

Because there is this very real need in society for someone whom almost anyone can look down on and--

And ridicule.

And this is the role that--

[BLITHERING]

Nightly ramble...

Oogly-oogly-oogly-ooh!

Thank you, Mrs. Thompson.

This is the role that I and members of my family have fulfilled in this village for the past 400 years.

Ah, good morning, Mr. Jenkins.

ICI have increased their half-yearly dividend, I see.

Yes, splendid.

That's Mr. Jenkins. He's another idiot.

And so, you see, the--

The idiot does provide a vital psychosocial service for this community.

Oh, excuse me, uh, a coach party's just arrived.

I shall have to fall off the wall, I'm afraid.

[BLITHERING]

[GLASS BREAKS]

[ANNOUNCER] Arthur takes idioting seriously.

He is up at 6:00 every morning

working on special training equipment

designed to keep him silly.

And, of course, he takes great pride in his appearance.

Like the doctor,

- the blacksmith, the carpenter... - Ah!

...Mr. Figgis is an important figure in this village.

And like them, he uses the local bank.

Yes, we have quite a number of idiots banking here.

[ANNOUNCER] What kind of money is there in idioting?

Well, nowadays, a really blithering idiot can make anything up to 6610,000 a year, if he's the head of some big industrial combine.

But of course, the more old-fashioned idiot still refuses to take money.

He takes bits of string, wood,

dead budgerigars, sparrows, anything,

But it does make the cashier's job very difficult.

Of course, they're fools to themselves.

The rate of interest over 10 years on a piece of moss or a dead vole is almost negligible.

- Mr. Brando. - Yes?

Hollywood on the phone.

Uh, I'll take it in the office.

[ANNOUNCER] But Mr. Figgis is no ordinary idiot.

He is a lecturer in idiocy

at the University of East Anglia.

Here he is taking a class of third-year students.

[ALL BLITHERING]

[ANNOUNCER] After three years of study

these apprentice idiots receive a diploma of idiocy,

a handful of mud

and a kick on the head.

But some of the older idiots resent the graduate idiot.

I'm a completely self-taught idiot.

I mean, "Ooh-ah, roo-ah, roo-ah, roo-ah!"

Nobody does that anymore.

Anybody who did that around here would be laughed off the street.

No, uh, nowadays, people want something wittier.

[ANNOUNCER] Kevin O'Nassis works largely with walls.

Whoa!

[KEVIN] Well, you gotta know what you're doing.

I mean, some people think I'm mad.

Villagers say I'm mad, tourists say I'm mad.

Well, I am mad. But I'm naturally mad.

I don't use any chemicals.

Whoa!

[ANNOUNCER] But what of the idiot's private life?

How about his relationship with women?

Well, I may be an idiot, but I'm no fool.

[♪♪]

[ANNOUNCER] But the village idiot's dirty smock

and wall-falling are a far cry

- from the modern world of the urban idiot. - Hey!

What kinds of backgrounds do these city idiots come from?

[NASAL ACCENT]

Woo!

[LAUGHING]

Uh! Uh!

[POSH ACCENT]

Uh...

[HIGH-PITCHED ACCENT] Well, uh...

[POMPOUS ACCENT] Well, uh...

The headquarters of these urban idiots is here in St. John's Wood.

Inside, they can enjoy the company of other idiots and watch special performances of ritual idioting.

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

Well left.

Well played.

Well, well.

Well-bred.

[GROANING]

[JIM] Good afternoon and welcome to Lord's on the second day of the first test.

So far today, we've had five hours batting from England, and already, they're naught for naught.

Uh, Cowdrey is not out naught and Naughton is not in.

Knott is in and is not not out.

Naughton of Northants got a nasty knock on the nut in the nets last night, but it's nothing of note.

Uh, next in is Nat Newton of Notts.

Not Nutting, Nutting's at 9.

Nutting knocked neatie nightie knock knock nar nar...

Anyway, um,

England have played extremely well for nothing, not a sausage, in reply to Iceland's first innings total of 722 for 2 declared, uh, scored yesterday disappointingly fast in only 21 overs, with lots of wild slogging and boundaries and--

And all sorts of rubbishy things.

But the main thing is that England have made an absolutely outstanding start so far.

[GROANS SHARPLY, THEN INHALES SHARPLY]]

Peter?

Uh, splendid. Just listen to those thighs.

And now it's the Northeast's turn with the samba.

- Brian. - Uh, rather.

I'm reminded of the story of Gubby Allen in '32--

Oh, shut up, or we'll close the bar.

And now Bo Wildeburg is running up to bowl to Cowdrey.

He runs up, he bowls to Cowdrey, and no shot at all.

Extremely well-not-played there.

Yes, beautifully not-done-anything-about.

A superb shot of no kind whatsoever.

I well remember Plum Warner leaving a very similar ball alone in 1732.

Oh, shut up, long-nose.

And now it's Bo Wildeburg, running in again to bowl to Cowdrey.

He runs in. He bowls to Cowdrey.

And no shot at all.

A superb display of inertia there.

And that's the end of the over. And drinks.

Gin and tonic, please.

No, no, the players are having drinks.

And now, uh, what's happening?

I think Cowdrey's being taken--

Yes, Cowdrey is being carried off.

Well, I never.

Now, who's in next?

It should be number three, Natt Newton of Notts.

Get your hand off my thigh, West.

Uh, no, I don't think it is. I think it's, uh...

It's a sofa. No, it's a chesterfield!

The green chesterfield is coming in at number three to take guard now.

I well remember a similar divan being brought on at Headingley in 9 B.C. against the darkies.

Oh, shut up, elephant-snout.

And now, the green, uh, chesterfield has taken guard.

And, uh... Ah, Iceland are putting on their spin-dryer to bowl.

The spin-dryer moving back to its mark.

It runs up to the wicket, bowls to the table...

A little bit short, but it's coming in a bit there, and it's hit him on the pad!

There's an appeal. And the table is out, leg before wicket.

That is England naught for one.

[ANNOUNCER] And now we leave Lord's and go over to Epsom for the 3:00.

[COMMENTATOR] Well, here at Epsom, we take up the running,

50 yards of this mile-and-a-half race to go.

It's the wash basin in the lead from WC pedestal.

Tucked in nicely there is the sofa,

going well with Joanna Southcott's box

making a good run from hat stand on the rails.

And Standard lamp is fading fast.

Wash basin taking up the running, strongly pressed.

At the post, it's the wash basin from WC

then sofa, hat stand, Standard lamp,

and lastly, Joanna Southcott's box.

[IN UNISON] Open the box! Open the box!

Open the box! Open the box!

Open the box!

Can we have the next contender, please?

[CHUCKLING]

[CONTINUES CHUCKLING]

Good evening, madam. And your name is...?

Yes, yes.

- Ha-ha. And what's your name? - I go to church regularly. Mm.

Jolly good. I see.

And which prize do you have particular eyes on this evening?

Oh, I'd like the blow on the head.

The blow on the head.

- Just there. - Jolly good.

- Well, your first question... - Mm.

...for the blow on the head this evening is:

What great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states?

I don't know that!

Well, have a guess.

Oh.

Uh, Henri Bergson.

Is the correct answer!

That was lucky. I never even heard of him.

- Jolly good. - I don't like darkies.

[LAUGHING]

Who does?

[LAUGHING]

And now, your second question for the blow on the head is:

What is the main food that penguins eat?

Pork luncheon meat.

No.

- Spam? - No, no, no, no.

What do penguins eat? Penguins.

- Penguins? - Yes.

- They eat penguins? - No, no, no.

- They eat themselves? - No, no, what do penguins eat?

Horses! Armchairs!

No, no. What do penguins eat?

- Oh, penguins. - Penguins.

- Cannelloni. - No.

Lasagna, moussaka, lobster thermidor,

escalopes de veau à l'estragon

avec endives gratinéed with cheese.

[LAUGHING] No. I'll give you a clue.

Oh.

Oh!

Brian Close.

[LAUGHING] No, no.

- Brian Inglis? Brian Johnson? Bryan Forbes? - No, no, no.

- Nanette Newman. - No.

What swims in the sea and gets caught in nets?

- Henri Bergson. - No!

Goats. Underwater goats, with snorkels and flippers.

- No. - A buffalo with an aqualung.

- No. - Oh, Reginald Maudling.

Yes, that's near enough. I'll give you that.

Right. Now. Uh, Mrs. Scum, you have won your prize.

Do you still want the blow on the head?

Yes, yes.

I'll offer you a poke in the eye.

No, I want the blow on the head.

- A punch in the throat? - No.

All right, then, a kick in the kneecap.

- No. - Mrs. Scum,

I'm offering you a boot in the teeth and a dagger up the strap.

Oh.

- Hm. - [WOMAN 1] Blow on the head!

[WOMAN 2] Take the blow on the head!

Oh. Oh, o-okay. I'll take the blow on the head.

Very well, then, Mrs. Scum.

You have won tonight's star prize: the blow on the head!

- [LAUGHING] - [DING]

- [SCREAMS] - [LAUGHS]

[♪♪]

[FART]