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Spam

[♪♪]

Go on.

[♪♪♪]

And now for something completely different.

It's...

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ANNOUNCER: Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Thank you very much for the change,

Mr. Tobacconist.

Was that all right?

CAMERA CREW: Shh! Shh!

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Uh... Ah.

[HUNGARIAN ACCENT] I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

Sorry?

I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.

BOTH: Ahhh!

I will not buy this tobacconist's, it is scratched.

No, no, no. Tobacco. Um. Cigarettes.

-Yeah. Yes, cigarettes. -Yeah.

Uh, um, yeah, my hovercraft is full of eels.

What?

My hovercraft

-is full of eels. -Ah! Matches, matches.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you want?

Do you want to come back to my place, bouncy, bouncy?

I-I don't think you're using that right.

You great pouf.

Um...

That'll be 6 and 6, please.

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

I-- I am no longer infected.

May I? May I?

Yeah, yeah. [LAUGHS]

It costs 6 and 6. Costs 6 and, ah...

Here we are. Um,

[READS IN HUNGARIAN]

Yah!

What's going on here, then?

Ah. You have beautiful thighs.

-What? -He hit me.

Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait till lunchtime.

Right!

My nipples explode with delight.

Call Alexander Yahlt.

♪ Call Alexander Yahlt ♪

♪ Call Alexander Yahlt ♪

♪ Call Alexander Yahlt ♪

Oh, shut up.

You are Alexander Yahlt?

[FAKE VOICE] Oh, I am.

Skip the impersonations.

-You are Alexander Yahlt? -I am.

You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970 you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrasebook with intent to cause a breach of the peace.

-How do you plead? -Not guilty.

You live at 46 Horton Terrace?

I do live at 46 Horton Terrace.

You are the director of a publishing company?

I am a director of a publishing company.

You publish phrasebooks?

My company publishes phrasebooks.

You said 46 Horton Terrace?

-Yes. -Hah! Got him.

JUDGE: Get on with it. Get on with it.

Yes, my lord.

On the 28th day of May, you published this phrasebook.

I did.

I quote an example.

The Hungarian phrase meaning

"Can you direct me to the station?" is translated by the English phrase,

"Please fondle my bum."

I wish to plead incompetence.

Please, may I ask for an adjournment, my lord?

An adjournment? Certainly not.

[FARTS ABNORMALLY LONG]

Why on earth didn't you say why you wanted an adjournment?

I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, my lord.

If there's any more stock film of women applauding,

I'll clear the court.

Call Abigail Tesler.

-My lord, this is Abigail Tesler. -Is it?

Yes, my lord.

23-year-old Abigail hails from Down Under where they're upside-down about her.

Those Aussies certainly know a thing or two when it comes to beach belles.

Bet some lifesaver wouldn't mind giving her the kiss of life.

So watch out for the sharks, Abigail!

ANNOUNCER: "Is this strictly relevant?"

quizzed learned, lovely Justice Maltravers.

Seventy-eight-year-old justice hails from Esher,

and he's been making a big name for himself

at the recent Assizes at Exeter.

ANNOUNCER 2: "All will be revealed soon, my lord,"

quipped tall 42-year-old Nelson Bedowes, cutie Q.C.

Nelson's keen on negligence

and grievous bodily harm at Gray's Inn.

And with cases like he's won,

we bet Gray's in when Nelson's around.

ANNOUNCER 1: "Well, Get on with it,"

admitted 78-year-old genial jurisprude Maltravers

seen here at London airport,

on his way to judge for Britain

at the International Court at The Hague...

VOICE: Get off!

Oof.

[GRUMBLING]

[♪♪♪]

[SHRIEK]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Good evening. Tonight is indeed a unique occasion in the history of television.

We are very privileged and honored to have with us in the studio Karl Marx, founder of modern socialism and author of the Communist Manifesto.

Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov, better known to the world as Lenin, leader of the Russian Revolution, writer, statesman, and father of modern communism.

Che Guevara, the Cuban guerrilla leader.

And Mao Tse-tung, leader of the Chinese Communist Party since 1949.

And the first question is for you, Karl Marx.

The Hammers.

The Hammers is the nickname of what English football team?

The Hammers?

No? Well, bad luck there, Karl.

So we'll go on to you Che. Che Guevara.

Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year?

No?

I'll throw it open.

Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year?

No? I'm not surprised you didn't get that.

It was a trick question.

Coventry City have never won the FA Cup.

So, with the scores all equal, now we go on to our second round and, Lenin, it's your starter for 10.

HOST: Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1959.

What was the name of the song?

Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr's song in the 1959 Song Contest?

Anybody? No?

-[BUZZER SOUNDS] -Yes, Mao Tse-tung?

[CHINESE ACCENT] "Sing, Little Birdie"?

Yes, it was indeed.

Well challenged.

Well, now we come on to our special gift section.

The contestant is Karl Marx and the prize this week is a beautiful lounge suite.

Now, Karl has elected to answer questions on the workers' control of factories, so here we go with question number one.

Are you nervous?

The development of the industrial proletariat is conditioned by what other development?

The development of the industrial bourgeoisie.

Yes, yes, it is indeed.

You're on your way to your lounge suite, Karl.

Question number two.

The struggle of class against class is a what struggle?

A what struggle?

A political struggle.

Yes, yes.

One final question, Karl, and the beautiful lounge suite will be yours.

Are you going to have a go?

You're a brave man. Karl Marx, your final question.

Who won the Cup Final in 1949?

Th-th-the workers' control of the means of production.

The struggle of the urban proletariat.

No. It was, in fact, Wolverhampton Wanderers who beat Leicester 3-1.

[CROWD CHEERS]

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: In World Forum Today,

Karl Marx, Che Guevara, Lenin, and Mao Tse-tung.

Next week,

four leading heads of state of the Afro-Asian nations

against Bristol Rovers, at Molineux.

[HUMS]

Ah, thank you. Just the word I was looking for.

[MUMBLES]

"I wonder," said LaFarge, "just how much Molly knew."

Ai!

So much for bad jokes.

And now a bit of fun.

[GULPS]

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: In 1914,

the Balance of Power lay in Ruins.

Europe was plunged into bloody conflict.

Nation fought nation.

But no nation fought nation morely than the English,

hip hip hooray! Nice nice! Yaa boo.

Phillips is a German and he have my pen...

MAN: Start again.

NARRATOR: In 1914, the Balance of Power lay in ruins...

-Jenkins? -Yes, sarge?

What are you gonna do when you get back to Blighty?

I don't know, sarge. I expect I'll be looking after me mum.

She'll be getting on a bit now.

Got family of your own, have you?

No, she's... She's all I got left now.

My wife, Doreen, she...

I got a letter.

You don't have to tell me, son.

No, sarge, I'd like to tell you, see, this bloke...

DIRECTOR: Hold it! Hold it!

Look, loves, can anyone not involved in this scene, please leave the set.

Now, come on, please.

Anyone not concerned in this scene.

The canteen's open upstairs.

Now, come on, please.

Sorry, loves. Sorry.

We'll have to take it again, from the top, all right?

Okay. Cue!

DIRECTOR: Hold it, hold it.

Now, who changed the caption?

Can whoever changed the caption put the right one back immediately, please?

Right. All right, we'll take it again, from the top. Cue.

DIRECTOR: Hold it, hold it. Come on. Come on, out of there.

You're not in this.

You're just holding the whole thing up.

Come on, please.

It's no good, loves. It's no good.

We'll have to leave it for now.

Come back when everyone's settled down.

So that means we go over to the Art Room, all right?

So cue camera three.

DIRECTOR: Sorry, camera four.

MAN: Aren't they marvelous?

OTHER MAN: Yes, yes.

The strength and boldness.

Life and power in those colors.

This must be Titian's masterpiece.

Oh, indeed, if only for the composition alone.

The strength of those foreground figures.

The firmness of the line.

Yes, the confidence of a master at the height of his powers.

[WHISTLING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[FOOTSTEPS]

-Yes? -Hello, sonny, your dad in?

-ANGEL: Yes. -Could I speak to him, please?

-It's the man from The Hay Wain. -Who?

The man from The Hay Wain by Constable.

Dad, it's the man from The Hay Wain by Constable to see you.

MAN: Coming.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Hello? How are you? Come on in.

Oh, no, no, can't stop, just passing by, actually.

Oh, where are you now?

Well, may you ask.

We just been moved in next to a room full of Brueghels.

Terrible bloody din. Skating all hours of the night.

Anyway, I just dropped in to tell you there's been a walkout in the Impressionists.

Walkout, eh?

Yeah. It started with the Déjeuner sur l'herbe lot they were moved away from above the radiator or something.

Anyway, the Impressionists are all out.

Gainsborough's Blue Boy's brought the 18th-century English portraits, the Flemish School's solid, the woodcuts are at the meeting.

Right, well, I'll get the Renaissance out.

Okay, meeting 4:30. Bridge at Arles.

Okay, cheerio. Good luck, son.

-Okay, good night... -Right. Everybody out.

[DEEP VOICE]: I'm off.

I'm off.

I'm off.

I'm off.

I'm off, dear.

I'm off.

I'm off too.

I'm off.

MAN [ON RADIO]: Here is the news.

By an almost unanimous vote,

paintings of The National Gallery

voted to continue the strike that has emptied frames

for the last week.

The man from Constable's The Hay Wain said last night

that there was no chance of a return

to the pictures before the weekend.

Sir Kenneth Clarke has said he will talk to any painting

if it can help bring a speedy end to the strike.

WOMAN IN SAW-BOX: [SCREAMS]

-[SAWING STOPS] -At Sotheby's, prices dropped dramatically

as leading figures left their paintings.

What am I bid for Vermeer's

Lady Who Used to be at a Window?

Do I hear two bob?

-MAN'S VOICE: Two bob. -Gone.

Now, what am I bid for another great bargain?

Edward Landseer's Nothing at Bay.

[GRUFF MASCULINE VOICE] All we bloody want is a little bit of bloody consultation.

ANNOUNCER: At a mass meeting at Brentford Football Ground,

other works of art voted to come out

in support of the paintings.

The vote was unanimous.

With one abstention.

Meanwhile, at Television Center, work began again on a sketch about Ypres.

A spokesman for the sketch said

he fully expected it to be more sensible this time.

-Jenkins? -Yes, sarge?

What are you gonna do when you get back to Blighty?

I don't know, sarge. I expect I'll look after me mum.

She'll be getting on a bit now.

Got a family of your own, have you?

No. She's all I got left now.

My wife, Doreen, she...

I got a letter.

You don't have to tell me, son.

No, sarge, I'd like to tell you.

You see, this bloke from up the street--

Okay, chaps, at ease.

I've just been up the line.

Can we get through, sir?

No, I'm afraid we'll have to make a break for it at nightfall.

Right, sir. We're all with you.

Yes, I know, that's just the problem, sergeant.

How many are there of us?

Sir, there's you, me, Jenkins

Padre, Kipper. That's five, sir.

And only rations for...?

-Four, sir. -Precisely.

I'm afraid one of us will have to take the other way out.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]

I'm a goner, major. Leave me, I'm...

I'm not a complete man anymore.

You've lost both your arms as well.

Yes.

Damn silly, really.

No. No, we'll draw for it.

That's the way we do things in the army.

Sergeant, the straws.

Wotcher.

Right. Now, the man who gets the shortest straw knows what to do.

Looks like you, sir.

Is it?

What did we say, the longest straw, was it?

No, shortest, sir.

Well, we'd better do it again, there's obviously been a bit of a muddle.

Best of three?

Right. Well, I got the shortest straw, so...

I decide what means we use to decide who's going to do-- to-- to, uh, to, uh, to do the thing.

To do the right thing.

Now, rank doesn't enter into this but obviously, if I should get through the lines

I'll be in a very good position to recommend anyone very highly, for a posthumous VC.

No?

Good. Fine. Fine. Fine.

Right.

Dip, dip, dip, my little ship sails on the ocean, you are--

No. No, wait a minute. I must have missed out a dip.

I'll start again.

Dip, dip, dip, dip, my little ship sails on the ocean, you are--

No, this is not working out. It's not working out.

W-w-what shall we do?

Uh, how about one potato, two potato?

Don't be childish, Jenkins.

No, I think-- I think fisties would be best.

Okay, so hands behind backs.

After three, okay?

One, two, three.

Now, what's this?

Uh, stone, stone, stone, and scissors.

Now, scissors cut everything, don't they?

-Not stone, sir. -They're very good scissors.

Padre hasn't been.

[CLEARS THROAT] No arms, sir.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I-I-I'm afraid I didn't...

Tell you what. All those people who don't want to stay here and shoot themselves, raise their arms.

Stop it! Stop it, stop this, this hideous facade!

E-- Easy, Padre.

No, no, I must speak. When I--

When I came to this war, I had two arms, two good arms.

But when the time came to lose one, I gave it gladly.

I smiled as they cut if off, because I knew there was a future for mankind.

I-- I knew there was hope.

So long as men were prepared to give their limbs.

When the time came for me to give my other arm

I gave it gladly. I...

I sang as they sawed it off. Because I believed.

Oh, you may laugh, but I believed with every fiber of my body with every drop of rain that falls a-- a flower grows.

And that flower, that small, fragile, delicate flower shall burst forth to give a new life.

A new strength.

[SIREN BLARES]

[♪♪♪]

PADRE: Where there is freedom.

Freedom from fear

and freedom from oppression.

And freedom from tyranny.

A world where men and women of all races and creeds

can live together in communion.

And then, in the twilight of this life

our children and our children's children...

All our patients here are suffering from severe overacting.

Arr, Jim Hawkins.

When they're brought in, they're all really over the top.

And it's our job to try and treat the condition of overacting.

-- am King Rat.

Rather serious.

This is the Richard III Ward.

A horse.

A horse.

My kingdom for a horse.

-Most of these cases are unpleasant. -A horse.

-Nurse. -A horse.

My kingdom...

Treatment does work with some people.

This chap came to us straight from the Chichester Festival.

We operated just in time, and now he's almost normal.

[GENTLE VOICE]: A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.

-Arr. Arr. -I am King Rat.

But, uh, in here

-we have some very nasty cases indeed. -HAMLETS: To be... or not to be.

BOTH SKULLS: That is the question.

BOTH: To be...

[AIRPLANE APPROACHING]

[BOMB WHISTLING]

[♪♪♪]

Good evening.

First, take a bunch of flowers.

Pretty begonias, irises, freesias and cry-manthesums.

Then, arrange them nicely in a vase.

Oh! Get in!

Get in! Get in!

-Morning. -Morning.

What have you got, then?

Well, there's egg and bacon.

Egg, sausage and bacon. Egg and Spam. Egg, bacon and Spam.

Egg, bacon, sausage and Spam.

Spam, bacon, sausage and Spam.

Spam, egg, Spam, Spam, bacon and Spam.

Spam, Spam, Spam, egg and Spam.

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam baked beans,

Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam.

Or Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy, and a fried egg on top and Spam.

Have you got anything without Spam in it?

Well, there's Spam, egg, sausage and Spam, that's not got much Spam.

I don't want any Spam.

Why can't she have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage?

That's got Spam in it.

Not as much as Spam, egg, sausage and Spam.

Look, could I have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage, without the Spam?

-Eww. -What do you mean "eww"?

I don't like Spam!

VIKINGS: ♪ Spam Spam Spam Spam ♪

♪ Spam Spam Spam Spam ♪

♪ Spammity Spam Wonderful Spam ♪

Shut up. Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

You can't have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage without the Spam.

Why not?

Well, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, Spam and sausage.

I don't like Spam!

Don't make a fuss, dear.

I'll have your Spam. I love it.

I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam...

- ♪ Spam Spam Spam ♪ -...Spam, Spam, Spam,

Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam and Spam.

Baked beans are off.

Well, can I have Spam instead?

You mean Spam, Spam, Spam,

-Spam, Spam, Spam... -♪ Spam Spam Spam Spam ♪

CUSTOMER: Yes.

Shut up!

Shut up!

Ah, great boobies, honeybun.

My lower intestine is full of

Spam, egg, Spam, bacon, Spam, tomato, Spam...

-Shut up! Shut up! -My nipples exp--

♪ Spammity Spam Wonderful Spam ♪

Another great Viking victory was at the Green Midget café in Bromley.

Once again, the Viking strategy was the same.

They sailed from these fjords here, assembled at Trondheim, waited for the strong northeasterly winds to blow their galleys to England, whence they sailed on May 23rd.

Once in Bromley, they assembled in the Green Midget cafe and Spam selecting a Spam item from the Spam menu would...

-♪ Spam Spam Spam Spam ♪ -♪ Spam Spam Spam Spam ♪

-♪ Spammity Spam ♪ -♪ Wonderful Spam ♪

[DISCORDANT SINGING]

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Haagbard Etheldronga and his Viking hordes

are currently appearing in Grin and Pillage It

at the Jodrell Theatre, Colwyn Bay.

The Dirty Hungarian Phrase Book

is available from

Her Majesty's Stationery Office.

Price: a kiss on the bum.

[♪♪♪]

[FART]