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The Cycling Tour

[♪♪♪]

[CRASHING]

PITHER: August the 18th. Fell off near Bovey Tracey.

The pump caught in my trouser leg.

My pump caught in my trouser leg, and my sandwiches were badly crushed.

Thirty-five p, please.

These sandwiches were an excellent substitute.

Give us ten woods, Barney.

Hello. It's funny how one can go through life, as I have, disliking bananas and being indifferent to cheese, but still be able to eat and enjoy a banana-and-cheese sandwich like this.

-Thirty-five p. -Oh.

Oh, I have only a 50. Do you have change?

Well, I'll have to look,

-but I may have to go to the bank. -I'm most awfully sorry.

-Fifteen p. -Oh, what a stroke of luck.

Well, all the very best.

And thank you again for the excellent banana-and-cheese delicacy.

[♪♪♪]

[CRASHING]

PITHER: August the 23rd. Fell off near Budleigh Salterton.

And the pump got caught in my trouser leg.

And that's how they were damaged.

The eggs. You remember, the hard-boiled eggs

I was telling you about.

They were in a Tupperware container, reputedly self-sealing, which fell open upon contact with the tarmacadam surface of the road.

The B489. The Dawlish Road.

That shouldn't happen to a self-sealing container, now, should it?

What do you keep your hard-boiled eggs in?

I think, in future,

I will lash them to the handlebars with adhesive tape.

This should obviate a recurrence of the same problem.

Well, I can't stand around here chatting all day.

I'm on a cycling tour of North Cornwall.

Must be off.

[♪♪♪]

[CRASHING, COW MOOS]

PITHER: August the 26th. Fell off near Ottery St. Mary.

The pump caught in my trouser leg.

Decided to wear short trousers from now on.

[♪♪♪]

[CRASHING, HORSE WHINNIES]

PITHER: Fell off near Tiverton.

Perhaps a shorter pump is the answer.

Excuse me, madam, I wonder if you could tell me of a good bicycle shop in this village where I can either find a means of adapting my present pump, or, failing that, of purchasing a replacement?

There's only one shop here.

What a stroke of luck.

Now perhaps cycling will become less precarious.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yes?

Um, a Mr. Pither to see you, doctor.

His bicycle pump got caught in his sock.

Ah, thank you, nurse, show him in, please.

This way, please.

Morning.

And a very good morning to you too, doctor.

I understand you had an accident.

That's right. My pump got--

-Caught in your sock. -Absolutely, yes.

My fruitcake was damaged on one side.

Well, now--

In fact, it's got grit all over it.

Well, now, are you in pain?

-Oh, heavens no. -Well, where are you hurt?

Fortunately, I escaped without injury.

Well, what is the trouble?

Please, could you tell me the way to Iddesleigh?

-I'm a doctor, you know. -Oh, yes, absolutely.

Normally, I would have asked a policeman or a minister of the church.

But finding no one available,

I thought it better to consult a man with professional qualifications, rather than rely on the possibly confused testimony of a passerby.

Oh, all right.

Take this to a chemist.

Thank you.

[♪♪♪]

[MUSIC STOPS]

PITHER: September the 2nd.

Did not fall off outside Iddesleigh.

[♪♪♪]

[CRASHING]

PITHER: Fell off in Tavistock.

My foot caught in my trouser leg, and that's how the bottle broke.

Tell her today, you could ring her.

I can't. I can't.

I said you'd never guess.

Sixteen years we've been together.

I can't just ring her up.

If you can't do it now, you never will.

Do you like Tizer?

-What? No. -Look.

Do you want me or not, James? It's your decision.

I suppose it is still available in this area.

Do you want me or not, James?

-What? -A Tizer.

Yes or no?

Is it still available in this area?

-I don't know. -I see.

In that case, it's goodbye forever, James.

No. I mean, yes.

Oh, it is, is it?

-No! -Oh!

You never could make up your mind.

I can.

Goodbye, James.

I have. No, wait, Lucille.

Does your lovely little daughter like Tizer, eh?

Lucille!

Wouldn't mind buying her a bottle of Tizer.

If it's still available in this area, that is.

Would you like me to show you the door?

Oh, that's kind of you, but I saw it on the way in.

You stupid little rat!

The very words of the garage mechanic in Bude.

I'd just fallen off my bicycle-- This is most kind of you.

--and my lemon curd tartlet--

Damn your lemon curd tartlet!

[SOBBING]

Hmph. Hm.

Just had a chat with your dad.

[CRYING]

[♪♪♪]

[CRASHING]

My rubber instep caught on the rear mudguard stanchion and--

Really? And what happened to the corned-beef rolls?

The rolls were crushed out of all--

How did you know about my corned beef rolls?

I noticed them, or what remained of them, in the road.

I noticed also that the lemon curd tart had sustained some superficial damage.

That's right. The curd had become--

-Detached from the pastry base. -Absolutely right, yes.

Otherwise, the contents of the sandwich box were relatively unharmed, although I detected small particles of bitumen in the chocolate cupcakes.

But they were wrapped in foil.

Not the hard chocolate top, I'm afraid.

Oh, that's the bit I like.

The sausage roll, the crisps and the ginger biscuit were unscathed.

How do you know so much about cycling?

Well, I'm making a special study of accidents involving food.

-Really? -Yes.

Do you know, in our laboratories, we have developed a cheese sandwich that can withstand an impact of 4000 pounds per square inch?

-Good heavens. -Amazing, isn't it?

We've also developed a tomato which can eject itself when an accident is imminent.

-Even in an egg-and-tomato roll? -Anywhere.

Even in your stomach, it senses an accident, it'll come up your throat and out of the window.

You know what this means?

-Safer food! -Exactly.

No longer will food be squashed, crushed and damaged by the ignorance and stupidity of the driver.

Whole picnics will be built to withstand the most enormous forces.

Snacks will be safer than ever.

A simple pot of salad dressing, treated in our laboratories has been subjected to the impact of a 4000-pound steam hammer every day for the last 16 years.

-And has it broken? -Well--

Of course it has. But there are things that haven't.

Safety straps for sardines, for example.

-[WHIZZING NOISE] -Here, that tomato's just ejected itself.

Really? It works! It works!

[CRASHING]

PITHER: What a strange turn this cycling tour has taken.

Mr. Gulliver appears to have lost his memory,

and far from being interested in safer food

is now convinced that he is Clodagh Rodgers,

the young girl singer.

I am taking him for medical attention.

Is this the Casualty Department?

Yes, that's right.

[CRASHING]

And what can I do for you?

[SCREAMS]

I am at present on a cycling tour of the North Cornwall area taking in Bude and--

Yes. Could I have your name, please?

Ah. My name is Pither.

-What? -P-I-T-H-E-R.

As in brotherhood, except with a "P-I" instead of a "B-R-O", and no "hood."

I see.

-I had just visited Taunton-- -[CRASHING]

Shh!

--and was cycling north towards the--

Yes, where were you injured?

Oh, just where the A237 Ilfracombe--

-On your body. -Ah!

No, no, it's not I who was injured, it's my friend.

-Name? -Pither.

No, no, no. Your friend's name.

Oh, Clodagh Rodgers.

Clodagh Rodgers?

Well, only since about 4:30--

Yes. I think you'd better talk to Dr. Wu. Doctor?

What? Damn.

[SCREAMS]

What's the trouble?

I'm on a cycling tour of North Cornwall--

He thinks he's had an accident.

I have friend who, as a result of his injuries, thinks he is Clodagh Rodgers.

-He what? -Well, what happened was--

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[SCREAMING]

PITHER: September the 4th. Well, I never.

We are now in the Alpes-Maritimes region

of Southern France.

Clodagh seems more intent on reaching Moscow

than on rehearsing her new BBC 2 series

with Buddy Rich and the Younger Generation.

Oh, hello.

We cannot stay here.

We must leave immediately.

There is a ship in Marseilles.

I did enjoy your song for Europe, Clodagh.

I have seen an agent in the town.

My life is in danger.

Danger, Clodagh?

Stalin has always hated me.

No one hates you, Clodagh.

I will not let myself fall into the hands of these scum.

I think you should go have a little lie-down, my dear.

It's a busy day tomorrow of concerts and promotional tours.

I was one of the founders of the greatest nation on earth!

I, whom Lenin has called his greatest friend.

-[MAN SHOUTING IN FRENCH] -Oh, dear.

I, who have worked all my life that my people should live.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Oh, my name is Pither.

Oh, you are English?

Yes, that's right. I'm on a cycling tour of North Cornwall--

I will not be defeated.

I will return to my country to fight against this new tyranny!

This is Clodagh Rodgers, the Irish-born girl singer.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

"Jack in the Box."

♪ I'm just a jack-in-the-box ♪

♪ You know Whenever love knocks ♪

♪ I'm gonna bounce up and down On my spring ♪

♪ Bam, bam, bam ♪

Michelle, Paul!

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

And I will never surrender!

-I will never surrender. -Excusez-moi, Madame Clodagh.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

-Wha...? -[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Trotsky?

[BOTH SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

...Lenin.

Ah, Lenin.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

♪ If I ruled the world ♪

♪ Every day would be The first day of spring ♪

Lenin. My friend. I come!

Oh, excuse her, she has not been very well recently.

Pressure of work, laryngitis, you know.

[IN FRENCH]

"Little White Bull," eh?

Oh, formidable.

Lenin!

-Clodagh! Clodagh, my dear! -GULLIVER: Lenin.

I come.

I come. My friend, I come.

Lenin!

Clodagh!

Lenin.

Je t'aime...

Mmm.

Maurice, regardez!

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

[BOTH SINGING IN FRENCH]

♪ You know Whenever love knocks ♪

♪ I'm gonna bounce up and down On my spring ♪

PITHER: After several days,

I succeeded in tracking down my friend, Mr. Gulliver,

on the outskirts of Smolensk.

Smolensk, 200 miles east of Minsk.

Two hundred north of Kursk.

Fifteen hundred miles west of Omsk.

Thank you.

PITHER: Anyway, as we were so far from home,

and as Mr. Gulliver, still believing himself to be Trotsky,

was very tired from haranguing the masses from Monte Carlo--

Monte Carlo. Hundred miles south of Turin.

Hundred miles east of Pisa.

Five hundred miles west of Bilbao.

Thank you. I decided to check--

PITHER: I decided to check--

Sorry, you go on.

PITHER: I decided to check him into a hotel

while I visited the British Embassy

to ask for help in returning to Cornwall.

And so we registered at the Smolensk

Young Men's Anti-Christian Association.

YMACA. Corner of Anti-Semitic Street and Pogrom Square.

Go away. No, not you. No, no, no.

A single room for my friend, please?

Yes, sir. Bugged or unbugged?

I think I'd be happier with a bugged one.

Right, one bugged with bath.

Well, just have a nice lie-down and I'll go down to the Embassy.

Trotsky?

My lack of God, it's Trotsky!

Comrades. Socialism is not a--

[♪♪♪]

Oh, uh, excuse me. Is this the British Consulate?

Yes, yes, si, si, that is correct.

Yes. Piccadilly Circus, miniskirt and Joe Lyons.

Oh. I'd to see the consul, please.

Yes, yes, speaky-speaky, me Blitish consul.

Oh.

You are Rear Admiral Sir Dudley Compton?

No. He died.

He have heart attack and fell out of window onto exploding bomb and was killed in a shooting accident.

Oh, yes. I his, how you say...?

Succa... Sussor...

Oh, successor.

I'm his successor, yes, Mr. Atkinson.

Oh.

Would you like drinky, or game bingo?

Oh. A drink would be very nice, yes.

Mr. Livingstone.

-Go get sake. -Yes, boss.

Oh.

How is Tunblidge Wells?

How I long to see again walls of famous Shakespeare-style theatre in Stlatford-on-Avon.

I'm a West Country man myself, Mr. Atkinson.

Oh, Texas, Arizona, Kit Carson, super scout.

No, no. West of England. Cornwall.

Oh. Coronworl.

Cornwall.

Coronworl. Oh, yes, know Coronworl very well.

Went to school there, mother and father live there.

Oh, yes, go many weekend parties and polo playing in blidge club.

Belong many clubs in Coronworl.

Ah, Mr. Livingstone, thank you. Sake and Bakewells tart.

Well, chaps, buttocks up.

Rather.

-Now, Mr...? -Ah, Pither.

Mr. Pither, we Blitish here in Smolensk very interested in clicket.

Oh, cricket?

No, no. You no speak English very wells.

No. Not clicket, clicket.

Clickety-click. Clicket. Housey, housey. Bingo.

-Oh, bingo. -Oh, bingo!

-Bingo! -Bingo!

Bingo. Bingo.

ALL: Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Bingo!

Sorry. Our boys got very excited.

-Bingo. -Shut face!

Now, Mr. Pither, perhaps you could put in good word for us so we can join a very smart bingo club in Coronworl.

Well, it's not really my--

We sit very quiet at back, not say anything except shout "housey, housey."

Housey, housey!

Housey, housey!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

CROWD: Housey, housey! Housey, housey!

[SHOUTING IN CHINESE GIBBERISH]

...bingo cards!

Bingo cards.

[BOTH SPEAKING IN CHINESE GIBBERISH]

Now, Mr. Pither, tell me which better:

Hackney Star Bingo or St. Albans Top Rank Suite?

I was hoping you could help me and my friend get back to England.

Hackney Star Bingo.

You see, we're on a cycling tour of North Cornwall.

[SPEAKING IN CHINESE GIBBERISH]

Bingo. Bingo. Bingo.

Housey, housey!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Is Mr. Trotsky in his room, please?

No. He has gone to Moscow.

Moscow. Fifteen hundred miles south--

-Shut up! -Moscow?

Come with us, please.

Oh, who are you?

Well, we're not secret police, anyway.

That's for sure.

If anything, we are ordinary Soviet citizens with no particular interest in politics.

None at all. Come with us.

Oh, where are you taking me?

What do we tell him?

-Don't tell him any secrets. -Agreed.

Tell him anything except we're taking him to Moscow where Trotsky is reuniting with the Central Committee.

We are taking you to a clambake.

Oh, a clambake. I've never been to one of those.

Right, let's go.

Who's giving orders around here?

I am. I'm senior to you.

No. You're a greengrocer, I'm an insurance salesman.

Greengrocers are senior to insurance salesmen.

-No, they're not. -Cool it!

I'm an ice cream salesman, I am senior to both of you.

You're an ice cream salesman?

I thought you were a veterinarian.

I got promoted.

-Taxi. -CABBY: Yes.

Drive us to Moscow.

-I have no cab. -Why not?

I'm in the secret police.

[♪♪♪]

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

And now, comrades, the greatest moment of a great day, the moment when I ask you to welcome the return of one of Russia's greatest heroes, creator of the Red Army,

Lenin's greatest friend,

Lev Davidovich Trotsky!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Comrades, Bolsheviks, friends of the revolution, I am returned.

The bloodstained shadow of Stalinist repression is past.

I bring you the new light of permanent revolution.

I may have been ousted from power,

I may have been expelled from the party in 1927,

I may have been deported in 1926...

♪ But I'm just An old-fashioned girl ♪

♪ With an old-fashioned mind ♪

Comrades, I don't want to destroy in order to build.

I don't want a state founded on hate and division.

♪ I want An old-fashioned house ♪

♪ With an old-fashioned fence ♪

♪ And an old-fashioned Millionaire ♪

PITHER: Our friend, Mr. Gulliver, was clearly undergoing

another change of personality.

So you have duped us. You shall pay for this.

Guards, seize him!

♪ The sound of oil wells ♪

♪ As they slurp Slurp, slurp...♪

Shall I seize him too?

No, I think we have to keep him, he's going down well.

He's more fun than he used to be.

He's loosened up a lot.

This is an old Lenin number.

♪ That are labeled "Hers" and "hers"... ♪

PITHER: April 26th. Thrown into Russian cell.

Severely damaged my Mars bar.

Shall I ever see Bude bus station again?

Oh, excuse me.

What a pleasant exercise yard.

How friendly they were all being.

Cigarette?

Oh, no, thank you, I don't smoke.

After a few moments, I perceived a line of gentlemen with rifles.

They were looking in my direction.

I looked around, but could not see the target.

Blindfold?

No, thank you, no.

[SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]

[DRUMROLL]

Nyet! Nyet!

Nyet! Nyet!

Nyet! Nyet!

Nyet!

A telegram?

From the Kremlin.

The Central Committee. It says:

"Carry on with the execution."

[SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]

[DRUMROLL]

PITHER: Now I was really for it.

[SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]

How could you miss?

He moved.

Shut up. Go and practice.

I'm so sorry. Would you mind waiting in your cell?

PITHER: What a stroke of luck.

My Crunchie was totally intact.

I settled down to a quick inter-meal snack.

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

-[DRUMROLL] -[OFFICER SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]

[GUNSHOTS]

Next time, definitely.

Now, how many have been injured?

Oh, God.

PITHER: As I lay down to the sound of the Russian gentlemen

practicing their shooting,

I realized I was in a bit of a pickle.

My heart sank as I realized I should never see

the Okehampton Bypass again.

Come on, dear. Wake up, dear.

Mother.

Come on, dear.

So it was all a dream.

No, dear, this is the dream, you're still in the cell.

We're going to have another try. I think we've got it now.

My boys have been looking down the wrong bit, you see.

Oh, no, you've got to look down that bit there.

I thought you had to look down that bit.

You've got to look down that, or you won't hit anything.

All right, we'll give it a whirl. Guards, seize him!

Listen, you've got to look down this bit.

[♪♪♪]

[APPLAUSE]

[CHUCKLING]

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

[LAUGHING]

[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

...Eartha Kitt!

[APPLAUSE]

[MIMING TO EDWARD HEATH'S VOICE] Trade Union leaders, I would say this:

We've done our part.

Now, on behalf of the community,

we have a right to expect you

the Trade Union leaders, to do yours.

[CHATTERING IN RUSSIAN]

Nyet! No talking!

Edward Heath!

[TALKING IN RUSSIAN]

--an unjustifiable wage today. -MAN: Sing "Old-fashioned Girl!"

[CROWD SHOUTING]

Sing "Old-fashioned Girl"!

[CROWD SHOUTING] "Old-fashioned Girl"! "Old-fashioned Girl!"

That turnip's certainly not safe.

Oh, no. Mr. Pither. Pither!

CROWD [CHANTING]: "Old-fashioned Girl!"

Pither! Mr. Pither!

Mr. Pither.

Mr. Pither! Mr. Pither! Mr. Pither!

Mr. Pither!

Mr. Pither!

PITHER: Here.

Gulliver.

Pither. What a stroke of luck.

Well, yes and no.

Squad, fix bayonets!

-Charge! -[ALL SHOUTING]

Phew. What an amazing escape. Well, goodbye, Reginald.

Goodbye, Mr. Pither, and good luck with the tour.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, I think he's finally gone.

Oh, yeah.

Ready, Maurice?

Right-o, Kevin. Let's go.

All right, maestro, hit it.

♪ I'm just your Jack-in-the-box ♪

♪ You know Whenever love knocks ♪

♪ I'm gonna bounce up and down On my spring ♪

♪ A toy used up when it stops ♪

♪ I'm just your Jack-in-the-box ♪