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The Nude Organist

This is Captain MacPherson welcoming you aboard East Scottish Airways.

You'll have had your tea.

Our destination is Glasgow.

There is no need to panic.

There's a bomb onboard this plane, and I'll tell you where it is for a thousand pounds.

I don't believe you.

If you don't tell me where the bomb is--

If I don't give you the money--

Unless you give me the bomb--

The money.

The money. Thank you, pretty lady.

The bomb will explode, killing everybody.

Including you.

I'll tell you where it is for a pound.

All right. Here's a pound.

Uh, I don't want Scottish money.

They've got the numbers. They can be traced.

One English pound. Now, where's the bomb?

I can't remember.

You've forgotten?

Aye, you'd better have your pound back.

Oh, fingerprints.

Now, where's the bomb?

Uh, wait a tic, wait a tic.

Uh, my first is in Glasgow, but not in Spain, my second is in steamer, but not in train, my whole is in the luggage compartment on the plane.

I'll tell you where it is for a pound.

It's in the luggage compartment.

Right. Here's your pound.

Is this character giving you any trouble?

-He's just ruined this sketch. -Absolutely.

Right, let's go on to the next one.

Uh, no. Wait a tic, wait a tic.

-I won't ruin your sketch for a pound. -ALL: No, no.

-Seventy-five p. -Next item.

I see my role in it as, um-- Oh, how can I put it?

Uh, the nude man.

As sort of symbolizing the two separate strands of existence.

The essential nudity of man.

The-- Oh, um...

It's a very interesting question.

Personally, I rather adhere to the Bergsonian idea of laughter as a social sanction against inflexible behavior but...

Excuse me a moment.

And now...

It's...

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Monty Python's Flying Circuses.

ANNOUNCER:

[CLOCK TICKING]

ANNOUNCER:

Well, we'll be continuing with Monty Python's Flying Circus in just a moment.

[TINKLING]

Yes, yes, we're-- We're going back to the show in just one moment from...

[CLEARS THROAT]

[HUMMING]

...now!

ANNOUNCER: This new housing development in Bristol

is one of the most interesting in the country.

It's using a variety of new techniques:

shockproof curtain-walling, a central high-voltage,

self-generated electricity source,

and extruded acrylic fiberglass fitments.

It's also the first major housing project in Britain

to be built entirely by characters

from 19th-century English literature.

Here Little Nell, from Dickens' Old Curiosity Shop

fits new nylon siphons into the asbestos-lined ceiling.

But it's the electrical system which has attracted the most attention.

Arthur Huntingdon, who Helen Graham married as a young girl,

and whose shameless conduct eventually drove her back to her brother Lawrence

in Anne Bronte's The Tenant of Wildfell Hall,

describes why it's unique.

Because, sir, it is self-generating.

Because we have harnessed here, in this box, the very forces of life itself.

The very forces that will send Helen running back to beg forgiveness.

The on-site building techniques involve the construction

of 12-foot walling blocks by a crowd of farmhands

from Tess of the d'Urbervilles,

supervised by the genial landlady, Mrs. Jupp,

from Samuel Butler's Way of All Flesh.

In contrast to the site in Bristol, there's progress here on Britain's first 18-level motorway interchange, being built by characters from Milton's Paradise Lost.

What went wrong here?

Well, nobody really got on.

Satan didn't get on with Eve, uh...

Archangel Gabriel didn't get on with Satan.

Nobody got on with the Serpent.

So now they have to work a rota.

Forces of good from 10 till 3, forces of evil 3 till 6.

But even more modern building techniques are being used

on an expanding new town site near Peterborough.

Here, the Amazing Mystico and Janet

can put up a block of flats by hypnosis in under a minute.

The local council here have over 50 hypnosis-induced

25-story blocks put up by El Mystico and Janet.

I asked Mr. Ken Verybigliar the advantages of hypnosis

compared to other building methods.

Oh, there is a considerable financial advantage in using the services of El Mystico.

A block like Mystico Point here would normally cost in a region of one and a half million pounds.

Uh, this was put up for 5 pounds and 30 bob for Janet.

But the obvious question is: Are they safe?

Of course they're safe. There's absolutely no doubt about that.

They are as strong, solid and as safe as any other building method in this country.

Provided, of course, people believe in them.

Yes, uh, we received a note from the council, uh, saying that if we ceased to believe in this building, it would fall down.

You don't mind living in a figment of another man's imagination?

No, it's much better than where we used to live.

Where did you use to live?

We had an 18-room villa overlooking Nice.

Really? That sounds much better.

Oh, yeah. You're right.

Oh, no, no, no. Of course not.

Phew.

That was close.

But the construction of these vast new housing developments,

providing homes for many thousands of people,

is not the only project to which he has applied his many talents.

He also has an infallible pools method,

a school of Spanish dancing, and a car-hire service.

What is the driving force behind a man

of such restless energies and boundless vision?

Here, as with so many great men of history,

the answer lies in a woman.

As Antony has his Cleopatra,

as Napoleon has his Josephine...

[SCREAMS]

...so Mystico has his Janet.

Yes, Janet. A quiet, shy girl.

An honors graduate from Harvard University,

American junior sprint record holder,

ex-world skating champion,

Nobel Prize winner,

architect, novelist and surgeon.

The girl who helped crack the Oppenheimer spy ring in 1947.

She gave vital evidence to the Senate Narcotics Commission in 1958.

She also helped to convict the woman at the chemist's in 1961,

and a year later, she gave police information

which led to the arrest of her postman.

In October of that same year,

she secured the conviction of her gardener for bigamy,

and three months later, personally led the police swoop

on the couple next door.

In 1967, she became suspicious of the man at the garage

and it was her dogged perseverance

and relentless enquiries

that two years later finally secured his conviction

for not having a license for his car radio.

He was hanged at Leeds a year later,

despite the abolition of capital punishment

and the public outcry.

Also in Leeds that year, a local butcher was hanged

for defaulting on mortgage repayments.

And a Mr. Jarvis was electrocuted

for shouting in the corridor.

We admit there have been outbreaks of hanging recently, but the police are trying to keep the situation under control.

Uh, you must remember the courts are very busy at the moment, and the odd death sentence is bound to slip through.

-[LOUD RADIO CHATTER] -Um, electrocutions are another big worry.

Uh, but, uh, we hope that guillotining has been eradicated, uh, from the urban areas.

-[LOUD CHANTING ON RADIO] -And garroting is confined almost entirely to Luton.

So if you have, um--

If you have a friend in prison or under sentence of death, be sure to let us know at this address:

ANNOUNCER:

NEWSCASTER 1: And Premier Zhou Enlai, who called it a "major breakthrough".

Twelve men were accidentally hanged at Whitby Assizes this afternoon

whilst considering their verdict.

This is one of the worst miscarriages of justice in Britain since Tuesday.

[♪♪♪]

NEWSCASTER 2: Well, it's 13 minutes to the hour of 9-9-9

here on wonderful Radio 1-1-1.

So, ha, ha, if you're still lying in your--

Your big, big bed, now is the time to get up out of it!

We've got another 13 hours of tip-top sounds here on wonderful Radio 1.

[HONKING, SQUEAKING]

Sorry about that. So unless you have brain cells,

or have completed the process of evolution,

there's a wonderful day--

It must be on Radio 4.

Radio 2.

Radio 3.

Radio 4.

It's 9 o'clock and time for Mortuary Hour.

An hour of talks, tunes and downright tomfoolery

for all those who work in mortuaries.

Introduced as usual by Shirley Bassey.

[♪♪♪]

BASSEY: Well, we're going to kick straight off this week

with our Mortuary Quiz,

so have your pens and pencils ready.

Turn that radio off and look lively!

Oh, but it's Mortuary Hour, Mr. Wang.

Don't argue, Battersby.

This is our mortuary in here, Your Grace.

I see, I see, yes. I, uh...

I-I, uh... I, uh...

I, uh...

I, uh...

I-- I-I, uh...

I, uh...

I-- I, uh...

I-I-I-- I can't think of anything to say about it.

Well, we're very proud of it here, sir.

It's one of the most up-to-date in the country.

I see, yes, yes, yes.

Uh, now, um...

Uh, what, uh...?

Oh, uh...

What, uh...?

Uh...

Uh, wh-what?

Uh... What?

What, uh...? What is it?

Is it a power station?

No, Your Grace, it's a mortuary.

I see, I see. Good, good, good, good, good.

Well-- Well, it has one of the most advanced thermostat control systems in the country.

And it has computer-controlled storage facilities.

I see, I see.

I, um...

I, uh...

I...

Uh...

Well...

I, uh...

I-I, uh...

I...

I'm a good little doggie.

I'm sorry, Your Grace?

I'm a good little dog.

Oh, dear.

Perhaps we should postpone the visit?

No, no, no, no.

You see, it's just that his brain is so tiny that the slightest movement can dislodge it.

Your Grace?

Your Grace?

Oh, dear.

It's rather like one of those games you play where you have to get the ball into the hole.

[GROANS]

Ah. Oh, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent.

Now, then. Oh...

Uh, um...

What--? What happens when the steel is poured into the ingots?

Uh, perhaps we should go and have a look at the new showers?

Yes, yes, yes. Rather, yes, yes, yes.

Jolly good, jolly good, jolly good, jolly good.

No fear. Yes, yes, yes.

Well played. Jolly good chop.

BASSEY: Well, the answers were as follows:

Number one, the left hand.

Two, no. Three, normal.

Four, yes, it has.

In 1963, when a bird got caught in the mechanism.

Turn that thing off.

But it's Mortuary Dance Time, Mr. Wang.

Never mind that, Battersby. This is the big one.

I've just had Whitby Police on the phone with 12 hangees.

Yeah, we heard about that on the radios.

No, these are 12 different ones, so shtoom.

Uh, I'll not interrupt this sketch for a pound.

-What? -Eh, for one pound,

I'll leave this sketch totally uninterrupted.

-Uh, 50p. -What?

MAN: I'm prepared to negotiate a 40-p deal.

For 35p I won't interrupt any of the next three items.

-WANG: No, it's no good. No. -MAN: Twenty-five p.

Ten p and a kiss.

GILLIAM: You see, it's very simple. I just take these cutout figures, and by putting them together-- What?

Oh, you mean we're on?

Oh!

Sorry.

[SENSUAL MOANING]

Hm?

[MOANING CONTINUES]

BRUCE: Wait, Nigel.

I've got this strange feeling we're being watched.

NIGEL: Oh, my God, Bruce. It's the police. Run for it.

[MUTTERING IN LATIN]

[SIREN WAILS]

Oh, lunch break.

[WHISTLING]

[BUZZING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[CROWD CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, 55 years later, back in London...

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Hello, good afternoon, and welcome to the second leg of the Olympic final of the men's hide-and-seek, here in the heart of Britain's London.

Uh, we'll be starting in just a couple of moments from now.

And there you can see the two competitors.

Francisco Huron, the Paraguayan, who in this leg is the seeker, and there's the man he'll be looking for, our own Don Roberts from Hinckley in Leicestershire, who, his trainer tells me, is at the height of his self-secreting form.

Now, in the first leg, which ended on Wednesday,

Don succeeded in finding the Paraguayan in the new world-record time of 11 years, two months, 26 days, nine hours, three minutes, 27.4 seconds in a sweet shop in Kilmarnock.

And now they're under starter's orders.

STARTER: On your marks... get set...

[GUN FIRES]

[COUNTS IN SPANISH]

[♪♪♪]

[CONTINUES COUNTING IN SPANISH]

Well, Don's off to a really great start there.

Remember, the Paraguayan has got 11 years, two months,

26 days, 9 hours, three minutes, 27.4 seconds to beat.

[CONTINUES COUNTING IN SPANISH]

Coming!

[♪♪♪]

Well, we'll be taking you back there as soon as there are any developments.

Well, we've just heard that something is happening in the hide-and-seek final, so let's go straight over there.

Hello, again, and welcome to Madagascar, where Francisco Huron is seeking Don Roberts.

And I've just been told that he's been unofficially described as cold.

Uh, wait a minute.

I've just been told that Huron has requested a plane ticket to Budapest, so he's definitely getting warmer.

So we'll be back again in just a few years.

Really beginning to hot up now.

Here we are on the very last day of this fantastic final.

Huron now has less than 12 hours left to find British ace Don Roberts.

Earlier this morning, he finished combing the outskirts of Lisbon, and now he seems to have staked everything on one final desperate seek here in the Tagus Valley.

But Roberts is over 1500 miles away, and it's beginning to look all over, bar the shouting.

The sands of time are running out for this delving dago, this señor of seek, this perspicacious Paraguayan.

He's still desperately cold, and it's beginning to look like another gold for Britain.

[♪♪♪]

[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Found him. Here he is.

All right.

The official result of the World Hide-and-Seek.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mr. Don Roberts from Hinckley, Leicestershire.

Eleven years, two months,

26 days, nine hours, three minutes, 27 seconds.

Mr. Francisco Huron, Paraguay.

Eleven years, two months, 26 days, nine hours, three minutes, 27 seconds.

The result: A tie.

ANNOUNCER: A tie! What a fantastic result.

Well, the replay will start tomorrow at 7:30 a.m.

Well, hello again. Nice to be back.

Glad to see the show has been going well.

Well, now, uh, sorry about Mon-trerx.

That was a little item entitled "Hide-and-Seek."

Very anarchic, very effective, not quite my cup of tea, but, uh, very nice for the younger people.

Well, the next item the boys have put together takes place in a, uh, sitting room.

Sorry it's just a sitting room, but, uh, the bank account's a bit low after the appallingly expensive production of Clochmerle--

This is a totally free interruption, and no money has changed hands whatever.

Sorry about that, darling.

-Gravy? -Yes, please, dear.

-[DOORBELL RINGS] -Oh, dear.

That'll be the Cheap-Laughs from next door.

[RINGING]

Come in.

No, just breathing heavily!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, we just dropped in.

[LAUGHS]

[SQUEALS]

Would you like to come through?

Oh, yes.

Well, good night and give us a kiss.

Mwah, mwah.

Well, thank you very much for a very nice evening.

-After you, dear. -Right-o.

[BOTH SCREAM]

[HOOTS]

[BREAKS WIND]

Oh.

Oh, honestly, dear, why do we always have to buy everything just because the Cheap-Laughs have one?

This is not an interruption at all.

It's just neighborliness, dear, that's all.

Well, I think we should try and lead our own lives from now on.

[SCREAMS]

Can't you be serious for just one moment?

[CLICKS]

Honey, I'm sorry I was cross earlier.

Oh, that's all right, dear.

It's just that I get so sick of always having to be like the Cheap-Laughs.

Yes, well, from now on, we'll be like ourselves.

Oh, Roger.

Oh, Beatrice.

[♪♪♪]

Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried about bullfighting.

They say it's not only cruel, vicious and immoral, but also blatantly unfair.

The bull is heavy, violent, abusive and aggressive, with four legs and great sharp teeth, whereas the bullfighter is only a small, greasy Spaniard.

Given this basic inequality, what can be done to make bullfighting safer?

We asked Brigadier Arthur Farquar-Smith, chairman of the British "Well Basically" Club.

Well, basically it's quite apparent that these miniscule dago chappies have got it all wrong.

They prance round the bull, like a lot of bally nightclub dancers, looking like the younger generation or a less smooth version of the Lionel Blair Troupe, with much of the staccato rhythms of the Irving Davies Dancers at the height of their success.

In recent years, Pan's People have often recaptured--

And what we must do now is to use devices like radar to locate the bull, and sound missiles fired from underground silos to knock the bull over.

Then I would send in Scottish boys with air cover to provide a diversion for the bull, whilst the navy came in round the back and finished him off.

That, to me, would be bullfighting, and not this pansy kind of lyrical evocative movement which George Balanchine and Martha Graham in the States, and our very own Sadler's Wells--

Troops could also be used in an auxiliary role in international chess--

What?

BADGER: I'll put the lights on again for a pound.

I'm sorry about this interruption, but we'll soon put things right with just a simple little push of a button.

Oh, ow.

[MUTTERING]

Oh. Oh, dear. That's okay.

No, no, please.

[MOANS]

Oh. No, no, no. [GAGS]

Oh. Oh, dear. Ow. Oh.

[MOANING]

[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]

[♪♪♪]

What?!

I'm very sorry, but I don't know why I've been included in this cartoon.

That's a bloody lie.

It's quite obvious what's going on here.

This whole thing is loaded with political significance.

I was right.

ANNOUNCER: This is the planet Algon.

Fifth world in the system of Aldebaran.

The red giant in the constellation of Sagittarius.

Here, an ordinary cup of drinking chocolate

costs four million pounds.

An immersion heater for the hot-water tank

costs over six billion pounds,

and a pair of split-crotch panties

would be almost unobtainable.

A simple rear-window demisting device for an 1100

costs 8000 million billion pounds.

And a new element for an electric kettle like this,

would cost as much as the entire gross national product

of the United States of America,

from 1770 to the year 2000,

and even then they wouldn't be able to afford

the small fixing ring,

which attaches it to the kettle.

Our computers have been working all day to try and analyze the dramatic information that's coming in from this first-ever intergalactic probe, Algon I.

And we're just getting an interesting development now, which is that attachments for rotary mowers, that is mowers that have a central circular blade, are relatively inexpensive.

Still in the region of 9 to 10 million pounds, but it does seem to indicate that Algon might be a very good planet for those with larger gardens.

Perhaps even an orchard that's been left for two years, needs some heavy work, some weeding.

Uh, but we're now getting some live pictures through from Algon.

Harry, perhaps you could talk us through them.

HARRY: Very little evidence of shopping facilities here.

There don't seem to be any large supermarkets.

Uh, there may be some on-the-corner grocery stores behind those rocks,

but it's difficult to tell from this angle.

It does seem to suggest that most of the shopping here is by direct mail.

Well, of course the big question that everyone's asking here is what about those split-crotch panties?

Are they going to be unobtainable throughout the universe, or merely on Algon itself? Professor.

We must remember that Algon is over 75,000 miles wide.

The probes come down in this area here, and we're really only getting signals from a radius of 30 or 40 miles around the probe.

Uh, split-crotch panties, or, indeed, any items of what we scientists call sexy underwear or erotic lingerie may be much more plentiful on other parts of the planet.

Professor, you were responsible for finding scanty-panties and Golden Goddess High-Lift Bras on planets which weren't thought able to sustain life.

And now that man has discovered a new galaxy, do you think we're going to see underwear become even naughtier?

Oh, naughtier and naughtier.

Well, so much for that.

But of course, the probe itself has excited a great deal of interest, for it contains uranium-based dual-transmission cells entirely recharged by solar radiation, which can take off a bra and panties in less than 15 seconds.

It is, of course, the first piece of space hardware to be specially designed to undress ladies, and so there are bound to be some teething troubles, such as how to cope with the combination of elastic-sided boots and tights.

But I think we're getting some pictures now from Algon itself.

And it looks as though-- Yes!

The satellite has found a bird.

The probe has struck crumpet, and she looks pretty good too. Professor?

Yeah, she's a real honey.

ANNOUNCER: The pictures are a bit sporadic.

I think probably the solar radiation

-during the long journey to Algon... -[GROANS]

MAN: She's fantastic.

[ALL GROANING]

Oh, dear, I'm sorry, we've lost contact.

We'll try and re-established contact with Algon...

Uh, hello.

Uh, the BBC have offered me the sum of 40p, uh, to read the credits of this show.

Personally, I thought I should have held out for the full 75, but the BBC have explained to me about their financial difficulties, and, uh, I decided to accept the reduced offer.

So, uh, the show was conceived, written and performed by, uh, the usual lot.

Uh, also appearing were Carol Cleveland, uh, Marie Anderson, uh, Mrs. Idle.

Uh, makeup, Madelaine Gaffney. Costumes, Hazel Pethig.

Animations by Terry Gilliam.

Uh, visual effects designer, Bernard Wilkie.

Graphics, Bob Blagden.

Film cameraman, Alan Featherstone.

Film editor, Ray Millichope.

Sound, Richard Chubb.

Uh, lighting, Bill Bailey.

Designer, Bob Berk.

Produced by Ian MacNaughton for 92p and a bottle of Bell's whiskey.

It was a BBC color production.

Uh, and I think that's just it.

I'd like to say, if there are any, uh,

BBC producers looking in, uh, who need, uh, people to read the credits for them, I--

[CRASHES]