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E. Henry Thripshaw's Disease

Oh, good morning, sir. Can I help you?

Yes, I wonder if you had any part-time vacancies on your books.

Part-time, I'll have a look, sir.

I think we've got...

Um... Ah, yes. Sir Walter Raleigh is equipping another expedition to Virginia.

He needs traders and sailors.

Ah, vittlers needed at the Court of Philip of Spain.

Oh, yeah, and they want master joiners and craftsmen for the building of the Globe Theatre.

I see. Have you got anything a bit more modern?

You know, like a job on the buses, or-- or digging the Underground?

Oh, no, we only have Tudor jobs.

That can't be very profitable, can it?

Well, you'd be surprised, sir.

The Tudor economy's booming.

Ever since Sir Humphrey Gilbert opened up the Northwest Passage to Cathay and the Cabots' expansion in Canada, there's been a tremendous surge in exports.

And trade with the Holy Roman Empire is going--

No. Quite right. It's no good at all.

What?

It-- Well, it's a dead loss.

We haven't put anyone in a job since 1625.

I see.

-That's all? -What?

-That's all you say? -Yes.

No, no, we were the tops, then.

Drake got all his sailors here.

Elizabeth, we supplied the archbishops for her coronation.

Shakespeare started off from here as a temp.

Then came James I, and the bottom fell out of Tudor jobs.

1603, 800 vacancies filled. 1604, 40.

1605, none. 1606, none.

The rest of the Stuart period, nothing. Hanoverians, nothing.

Victorian, nothing. Saxe-Coburgs, nothing.

Windsors-- What did you want?

-Dirty books, please. -Right. All right.

Have a look through these, sir.

Uh, sorry about the Tudor bit, but you can't be too careful, you know.

Have you got anything--

-Anything a bit-- -A bit stronger.

Hold on. My Lord of Warwick!

-MAN: Hello! -Raise high the drawbridge.

-Gloucester's troops approach. -MAN: Right.

Can't be too careful you know, sir.

[MURMURS]

There's, uh... There's Bridget, Queen of the Whip.

Yeah.

Or there's, uh, Naughty Nora.

-No. -Or there's this one:

Doug, Bob and Gordon Visit the Ark Royal.

Or there's, uh...

Sister Teresa, The Spanking Nun.

You don't have anything specifically about, uh, Devon and Cornwall?

No. I'm afraid not, sir.

The one I was after was Arthur Hotchkiss'

Devonshire Country Churches.

Well, how about this, sir: Bum Biters.

No, not really.

Um, I don't suppose you've got any general surveys of English church architecture?

No, it's not really our line, sir.

No, I see. Well, never mind.

I'll just take the Lord Lieutenant in Nylons, then, and, uh...

I'll trade in these two copies of Piggie Parade.

Thank you.

-MAN: My Lord of Warwick! -Hello.

Raise high the drawbridge. Gloucester's troops approach.

Right.

Uh, just these, then.

All right. This is a raid.

My name's Superintendent Gaskell and this is Sergeant Maddox.

Sir Philip Sidney. 'Tis good to see thee on these shores again.

-Shut up. -Thy suit is fair and goodly cut.

-Was't from Antwerp? -Shut up. It's a disguise.

Right! Confiscate the smutty books, Maddox.

Sir Philip, prithee, nay.

Listen, mate. Don't come that Philip Sidney bit with me.

I'm not a bloody Tudor at all!

I'm Gaskell of the Vice Squad, and this is Sergeant Maddox.

Maddox?!

Where's he gone?

Sir Philip, prithee, rest a while.

Look, this is the last time. I'm warning you.

I'm not Sir Philip bleeding Sidney.

I'm Superintendent Harold Gaskell, and this is a raid!

That'll be 540 quid, sir.

All right then. Oh, I'll just have this one then.

Maddox!

Look, this is a raid.

Honestly. I promise you.

-Where are you going? -I'm going home.

Right.

Right, I'll remember you. Don't you worry. I'll remember.

Prithee, good Sir Philip.

Don't you start. Maddox!

Listen, I can prove to you I'm a policeman.

I'll give the name of all the men down in F division at Acton.

Inspector Arthur Perry.

Superintendent Charles Frodwell, my best friend.

Police dogs Butch, Wolf, Panther, Maudling.

How would I know those names if I was Sir Philip Sidney?

Vicar, vicar. You know me.

The Gargoyle Club. I got you off the charge.

Farewell, good Sir Philip.

Hey, stop!

Maddox!

You'll never get away with this, you porn merchant!

Blimey.

Maddox?

Maddox?

Oh, good sir.

How glad I am to see thee come.

[SOBS]

Forgive me weeping... but my love has gone.

Uh, listen. My name is Gaskell.

Uh, Superintendent Gaskell of Vice Squad.

-Myself and Sergeant Maddox are on a raid. -[SOBBING]

We are not Tudor people, we are the police.

Frances, what idleness is this?

Why, good Sir Philip Sidney, what hast thou here?

You are Sir Philip Sidney?

Possibly.

But I may be Superintendent Gaskell of the Vice Squad.

Ha-ha. Good Sir Philip.

Thy sharp-tongued wit has not deserted thee.

Come. Let us eat and drink.

Stay with us awhile.

All right, sir. I think I will.

[PLAYING FOLK TUNE]

[LAUGHTER, CHATTER]

Then... Then did we bust the Harry Tony mob, who did seek to import Scandinavian filth via Germany.

For six years they cleaned up a packet.

The day I got whiff of them through a squealer did within a week mop up right good.

They're now languishing, doing five-year bird in Parkhurst.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Sir Philip, the Spaniards have landed in the Netherlands.

My Lord Walsingham needs you there forthwith.

Mm.

[WOMAN GASPS]

-Right. Let's go. -ALL: Good luck, Sir Philip!

Fighter against filth!

[TRUMPETS BLARING]

Where are the Spaniards?

Down below, Sir Philip.

Their first boats are landing even now.

Right. You stay here, I'll go and get them.

Sir Philip. Not alone.

[♪♪♪]

Hello, hello.

What's going on here?

It's nothing, señor. It's just some literature.

[SPEAKS INAUDIBLY]

I know what literature is, you dago dustbin.

I also know what porn is.

What's this then, eh?

It is one of Lope de Vega's latest plays, señor.

Toledo Tit Parade?

What kind of a play is that?

It's very visual, señor.

Right. I'm taking this lot in in the name of Her Gracious Majesty, Queen Elizabeth.

Oh, but, señor--

Don't give me any trouble.

Just pile up these baskets of filth and come with me.

Never.

Ow.

[SCREAMS]

NARRATOR: The battle raged long and hard.

But as night fell, Sidney overcame the Spaniards.

Six thousand copies of Tits and Bums,

and 4000 copies of Shower Sheila were seized that day.

The tide of Spanish porn was stemmed.

Sir Philip Sidney returned to London in triumph.

Covered in glory, Sir Philip rode home to Penshurst

to see his beloved wife.

But all was not well.

Good evening all, my love.

I have returned safe from the Low Countries.

[WHISTLES]

What art thou reading, fair one?

Oh. 'Tis nothing, husband.

I can see 'tis something.

Uh...'tis one of Shakespeare's latest works.

Oh.

Gay Boys in Bondage.

What is't? Tragedy? Comedy?

Uh...Uh, 'tis, um...

Uh, 'tis the story of a... a... man's great love for his uh, fellow men.

How fortunate we are indeed to have such a poet on these shores.

Indeed. Um, how was the war, my lord?

The Spaniards were defeated thrice.

Six dozen chests of hardcore captured.

Hast brought home any spoils of war?

Yes, good, my wife. This fair coat, trimmed with ermine.

Oh. Lovely.

Naught else?

No, no, fair lady. The rest was too smutty.

Now, good my wife, while I rest, read to me a while from Shakespeare's Gay Boys in Bondage.

Uh... yes, my lord.

[SIGHS]

"Gay Boys in Bondage."

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Ken, 25, is a mounted policeman with a difference.

And what a difference.

Even Roger is surprised. And he's... he's used to real men."

'Tis like Hamlet. What a genius.

"But who is going to do the cooking tonight? Roddy's got a mouth full--"

All right, this is a raid!

Oh. We are disgraced.

There you are, Maddox.

Cut the chat and get in the van.

Maddox. You recognize me.

Indeed I do, Sir Philip Sidney, and sad I am to see you caught up in this morass of filth.

Ooh. That's a long one.

Oh. Oh. The glorious name of Sidney is besmirched.

All is lost.

Oh, alas the day.

Shut up! I know this man.

It's me old mate, Sergeant Maddox.

You'll do time for this.

Oh, Maddox, it's me, Gaskell. F division down at Acton.

Inspector Arthur Frodwell--

Come on, Sidney! And you, miss.

I'm not Sir Philip bleeding Sidney. Where were you?

We could have mopped up that Tudor shop.

Yeah. Ooh, that's a good one.

It's me. It's me, Gaskell.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

You'll hear more about this when I get back to the station.

Maddox, you've got the wrong man.

[FANFARE PLAYING]

Petty bodice that here I hold.

If this be Brian's, then to fight I go. But no.

Alas, if Roger doth proceed, I am undone.

No, Cyril must not know. But no.

Yes. Now I am resolved.

But hold, someone approacheth.

Take heed, my lord. Kevin and Bruce are here.

[PERSON SCREAMING]

[BUBBLING]

[PLAYING ORGAN]

It's so nice here, isn't it, darling?

Oh, it's beautiful. It's...

It's Paris all over again.

Excuse me, do you mind if I join you?

Uh... no, no. N-not at all.

Are you sure you don't mind?

Uh, yes, yes, absolutely.

Y-you're sure I won't be disturbing you?

No, no.

You're absolutely sure I'm not disturbing you?

No. No, really.

Good. I don't want to disturb you.

-I'm sorry? -I don't want to disturb you.

Especially, as you're being so kind about me not disturbing you.

Oh, no, no, we don't mind, do we, darling?

-No. No, darling. -Good.

So I can go ahead and join you, then. Can I?

-Yes. -Yes, please.

-Won't be disturbing? -No, no, no.

-No. -Good, good. You're very kind.

A lot of people are far less understanding than you are.

Oh.

A lot of people take offense when I even talk to them.

Let alone when I specifically tell them about my... being disturbing.

Well, i-- it's not particularly disturbing.

No, absolutely, absolutely.

That's what I always say.

But you'd be amazed...

You'd be amazed at the number of people who really get worried by it.

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo-- ♪

I mean, even doing this gets people looking at me in the most extraordinary way.

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo Doodle-oodle-oodle ♪

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo, doodle-doo ♪

Well, we must be getting on.

I knew I'd disturb you. I knew I'd disturb you.

It always happens.

Whenever I find someone that I-- I really think

I'm gonna be able to get on with--

You see, we're going to be a little bit late.

Oh, darling. Come on. Let's stay.

-What? -Well...

-[SOBS] -Well, uh, just a little bit.

Only-- I mean, we will be late if we don't...

Oh, thank you. You're very kind.

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo Doodle-oodle-oo ♪

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪

WOMAN: As it turned out, our chance meeting

with the Reverend Arthur Belling

was to change our whole way of life.

And every Sunday we'd hurry along

to St. Loony Up the Cream Bun and Jam in time for night Mass.

ALL: ♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo ♪

[EXPLOSION]

[PLAYS]

-And now... -It's...

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Monty Python's Flying Circuses.

[GUNSHOTS]

Baa!

[SQUAWKS]

[MEOWS]

[BELLS DINGING]

[WHINNIES]

[BELLS AND GUNSHOTS CONTINUE]

[SCREAMS]

[SPLASHING]

MAN: Right, sir. One safari snowball.

That comes to 1,369 pounds 48p.

And we'll throw the nude man in for free.

[REGISTER RINGS] All right, gentleman, last orders, please.

Oh, do you want a drink before they close?

No, I want a kiss.

Oh, goody.

Mwah.

NARRATOR: And so they lived happily ever after.

But now...

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: The Free Repetition of Doubtful Words

Skit, Spoof, Jape or Vignette.

By a Very Underrated Writer.

I have come for some free repetition of doubtful words on an inland telegram.

Have you the telegram in question?

I have the very thing here.

Well, slip it to me, my good chap, and let me eye the contents.

At once, Mr. Telegram Enquiry Man.

Thank you, Mr. Customer Man.

Ha-ha. "Parling, I glove you.

Clease clome at bronce, your troving swife, Pat."

Which was the word you wanted checking?

-Pat. -Pat?

My wife's name is not Pat at all.

No?

It's Bat. With a B.

And therefore, I will take a quick look in the book.

Ripping.

You're quite right, old cock.

There has been a mistake.

I thought as much. What really does it say?

It say, "Go away, you silly little bleeder.

I am having another man.

Love, Bat." Quite some error.

Yes. She wouldn't call herself "Pat". It's silly.

Daft, I call it.

Well, it has been a pleasure working with you.

For me also it has been a pleasure.

And that concludes our little skit.

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: The Free Repetition of Doubtful Words Thing

by a Justly Underrated Writer.

The end.

[♪♪♪]

Good evening.

Tonight on Is There? we examine the question, "Is there a life after death?"

And here to discuss it are three dead people.

The late Sir Brian Hardaker, former curator of the Imperial War Museum, the late Professor Thynne, until recently an academic, critic and broadcaster... and putting the point of view of the Church of England, the very late Prebendary Reverend Ross.

Gentlemen, is there a life after death or not?

Sir Brian?

Professor?

Prebendary?

Well, there we have it. Three say no.

On Is There? next week, we'll be discussing the question

"Is there enough of it about?" Until then, good night.

[♪♪♪]

Good doctor, morning. Nice year for the time of day.

Come in.

Can I down sit?

Certainly. [CLEARS THROAT]

Well, then.

Not going to bush the doctor about the beat too long.

I'm going to come to point to the straight immediately.

Good, good.

My particular prob, or buglem bear,

I've had ages. For years, I've had it for donkeys.

What?

I'm up to here with it, sick to death.

I can't take you any longer, so I've come to see it.

Now, this is your problem with words?

This is my problem with words.

Oh. That seems to have cleared it.

♪ Oh, I come from Alabama With my banjo on my knee ♪

Yes, that seems to be all right. Thank you very much.

I see. But recently, you have been having this problem with your word order?

Oh, absolutely. Sometimes, at the end of a sentence,

I'll come out with the wrong fuse box.

Fuse box?

The thing about saying the wrong word is that, A: I don't notice it, and B: sometimes orange water given bucket of plaster.

Yes. Tell me more about your problem.

Well, as I say, you'll just be talking and out will pudenda the wrong word, and ashtray's your uncle.

-I'm awfully strawberry about it. -Upset?

It's so embarrassing when my wife and I go to an orgy.

A party?

No, an orgy.

-We live in Esher. -Quite.

That's what I said. Feel such a bloody whack the diddle-o.

Folderol fa-di-da, loady-doady do, fum-fum.

Mr. Burrows, this is no common problem.

You are suffering from a disease so rare that it hasn't got a name. Not yet.

But it will have. Oh, yes.

This is the opportunity I've been waiting for.

The chance of a lifetime.

I'll show them at the Royal College of Surgeons.

I'll make them sit up and take notice.

Thripshaw's disease.

Discovered by E. Henry Thripshaw, M.D.

I'll be invited on Call My Bluff.

And the merchandising!

There'll be E. Henry Thripshaw T-shirts.

I'll turn it into a game. I'll sell the film rights!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

That clip comes from the new David O. Seltzer film.

The author... of that film clip is with me... now.

Dr. E. Henry...

Thripshaw.

Well, uh-- Uh, I, uh-- I feel that they've missed the whole point of my, uh-- my disease.

This is... always the problem... with directors... of film... clips.

Yes, well, you see, they--they've dragged in all this irrelevant mush. Uh--

What... are you doing...

...now?

Well, um, at the present moment, I am working on a new disease uh, which I hope to turn into a musical.

Um, but, uh, primarily, uh, we are working on--on a remake of my first disease and this time we're hoping to do it properly.

Well... let's just... take a... look at this new... film... clip.

[♪♪♪]

Well, now, what seems to be the matter?

[SPITS]

The next sketch follows after some silly noises.

[FLATULENT SOUNDS]

-[CUCKOO CLOCK SOUNDS] -[TAPPING]

[MAN YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

[CHURCH BELLS RINGING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

-Come in. -Oh.

I wondered if I could have a word with you for a moment.

By all means. By all means, sir. Do sit down.

Um...

-sit on the desk here. -Oh, thank you.

Now, then, glass of sherry?

Uh, no, thank you.

Are you sure? I'm gonna have some.

If you're having some, yes, then perhaps, vicar.

Oh, well there's only just enough for me.

Well, in that case, I won't, don't worry.

If I split what's left, there'd be hardly any for me at all.

No. Well, I'm not a great sherry drinker.

-Good. So I can have it all. -Um...

Now, then, what's the problem?

Well, just recently I've begun to worry about...

-well, the last-- -Oh!

-Found another bottle. -Oh.

You can have some now if you want to.

Oh, well, then, yes, perhaps a little.

You don't have to. I can drink a whole bottle.

-Um...in that case, no. -Good.

That's another bottle for me.

I've begun to worry recently, that...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Ah, Mr. Husband.

This is Mr. Kirkham, one of my parishioners.

This is Mr. Husband of the British Sherry Corporation.

Look, uh, perhaps I'd better come back later--

No, no, no. Do stay. You won't be long, will you, Husband?

No, vicar, it's just a question of signing a few forms.

There we are.

There we are, Mr. Husband. How about you, Mr. Kirkham?

Um...well, only if there's enough.

Oh, well, there's not much now.

Oh. Uh, i-in that case, no, I won't bother.

Good. Right. Right. Now, then, what is the problem, Husband?

Well, vicar, I've made inquiries with our shippers, and the most sherry they can ship in any one load is 12,000 gallons.

And how many glasses is that?

That's roughly 540,000 glasses, vicar.

That's excellent, Husband. Excellent.

Yes. You can still keep your main supply on the roof, but have an emergency supply underneath the vestry, of 5000 gallons.

I could have dry sherry on the roof, and amontillado in the underground tank.

-Absolutely. -Excellent work, Husband. Excellent work.

Not at all, vicar.

You're one of our best customers.

You and the United States.

[LAUGHS] Bye-bye.

Terrific. Now, then, Mr. Kirkham, I am so sorry. Do go on.

Well, i-it's just that recently, I've begun to worry about--

-Mm-hm. -Well, look, does the Bible intend--?

♪ Amontillado, amontillado Amontillado ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Amontillado Amontillado ♪

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

[PEOPLE WHOOPING]

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

ALL: Olé!

-What did you want? -Dirty books, please.

Right.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[♪♪♪]

[MUSIC STOPS, PEOPLE CONTINUE CHATTERING LOUDLY]

ANNOUNCER: E. Henry Thripshaw T-shirts are now available

from BBC Enterprises.

The price hasn't finally been decided,

and the address to write to,

they haven't yet quite worked out.