Home > Monty Python's Flying Circus

A Book at Bedtime

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Monty Python's Flying Circuses.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Book at Bedtime.

Tonight, Jeremy Toogood reads Redgauntlet

by Sir Walter Scott.

Hello.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"The sunsuit-- he... The sunseeit...

The sun-- The sunset!

The sunset...

...was-- w-was-- was...

The sunset was...

...die-- deeing-- dying-- dying... over the... hile-- heel-- he-- heels-- halls-- hills! hills... of-- of slow-- Solway Firth.

The love piper-- The-- The lone piper!

The lone piper on the ba... bat-tle-lyments...

...of Ed-- embing... embingunder... en-- Endingburger...

En... Em....

Edinburgh! Edinburgh... castle was sil-- silow-- siluted-- si-- sill..."

"The sunset was dying over the hills of Solway Firth.

The lone piper on the battlements of Edinburgh Castle was silhouetted against the crim... Crimsey...

Crimson. Against the crimson strees...

Stre..."

-Streaked. -Streaked?

"Crimson-streaked sky.

In the shadows of Coriginu...

Coriginu?"

"Cran-- Crangrim. Crangrim."

Cairngorm.

Oh, Cairngorm.

"In the shadows of Cairngorm, the lud...

Laird."

ALL: Laird. Laird.

"The Laird of... Of, um..."

"Laird of Monteur. Montreaux!"

Montrose!

Montrose, Montrose.

"The Laird of Montrose..."

"Galopped?"

"Galloped..."

-[PLAYING BAGPIPES] -ANNOUNCER: The lone piper

on the battlements of Edinburgh Castle.

[SCREAMS]

Next.

MAN [SCOTTISH ACCENT]: Here, on top of Edinburgh Castle,

in conditions of extreme secrecy,

men are trained for the British army's first kamikaze regiment:

The Queen's own McKamikaze Highlanders.

So successful has been the training of the kamikaze regiment

that the numbers have dwindled from 30,000

to just over a dozen in three weeks.

What makes these young Scotsmen so keen to kill themselves?

The money's good.

And the water-skiing.

[SCREAMING]

Attention!

All right, sergeant major, at ease.

-Now, how many chaps you got left? -Six, sir.

-[SCREAM] -Six?

Five, sir. All right, good luck, Johnson.

Jolly-good show.

Well, I've come here to tell you we got a job for your five lads.

-[SCREAM] -Uh, four, sir.

-For your four lads. -Good luck, Taggart.

Thank you, sarge.

Now, this, uh, mission's gonna be dangerous and tough.

We're gonna need every lad of yours to pull his weight.

Now, which--? Which four are they?

These three here, sir.

-Okay, off you go, Smith. -Right!

-Uh, Sergeant major? -Sir!

You don't think it might be a good idea to stop the training for a bit?

They gotta be trained! It's a dangerous job.

-[SCREAM] -Yes, I realize, but--

MacPherson, you're next. Off you go.

-Aye! -See, what is worrying me--

I'll make it a good'un, sir!

Good lad, MacPherson.

Eh, MacPherson, um... This mission is very dangerous.

We're gonna need both the chaps you've got left.

-[SCREAM] -Both of who, sir?

What's this man's name?

Uh, this one, sir? This one's MacDonald.

-MacDonald. -Go ahead.

No, hang on to MacDonald. Hang on to him.

I don't know whether I can, sir.

He's in a state of Itsubishi Kyoko McSayonara.

What's that?

It's the fifth state a Scotsman can achieve, sir.

He's got to finish himself off by lunchtime, or he thinks he's let down the emperor, sir.

Can't we get him out of it?

Oh, I don't know how to, sir.

Our kamikaze instructor, Mr. Yashimoto, was so good he never left Tokyo airport.

There must be someone else who could advise us.

Good morning. Kamikaze, please.

Yes. Would you go through, please?

Thank you.

[SCREAMS]

All right, sergeant major, no time to lose.

Beg your pardon, sir?

No time to lose.

No what, sir?

No time. No time to lose.

Oh, I see, sir. Uh, no time... to lose, sir. Heh.

Yes, that's right. Yes.

Yes. No time to lose, sir.

Right.

Funny, sir. I've never come across that phrase before:

"No time to lose."

Huh, 42 years I've been in the regular army, and I've never heard that phrase.

It's in perfectly common parlance.

-In what, sir? -Oh, never mind.

Right, um, no time to lose.

Eventually, yes, sir.

What?

Well, like you said, sir.

We'll be able to make time, eventually, without to lose, sir, no.

Look, um... I don't think you've quite got the hang of this phrase, sergeant major.

-Morning. -[CLEARS THROAT]

No time to lose.

Now then, how were you thinking of using this phrase?

Uh...

Well, I was-- I was thinking of using it like, uh:

Ah... "Good morning, dear.

What is in no time to lose?"

Yes, well, you've not quite got the hang of that, have you?

♪ No time to lose No time to lose ♪

♪ No time to lose No time to lose ♪

Uh, you want to use this phrase in everyday conversation.

-Is that right? -Uh, yes, that's right. Yes.

Yes, good. [CLUCKING]

M-my wife and I have...

My wife and I have never had a great deal to say to each other.

In-- In the old days we used to find things to say, like:

"Pass the sugar," or...

"That's my flannel."

But in the last 10 or 15 years, there just hasn't seemed to be anything to say.

Anyway, I saw your phrase advertised in the paper, and I thought: "That's the kind of thing I'd like to say to her."

Yes, well, what we'd normally suggest for a beginner such as yourself, is that you put your alarm clock back 10 minutes in the morning, so you can wake up, look at the clock and use the phrase immediately.

-Shall we try it? -Yes.

All right, I'll be the alarm clock.

When I go off, look at me and use the phrase, okay?

[IMITATES TICKING]

[IMITATES RINGING]

No!

Uh... time to lose.

No. "No time to lose."

No time to lose.

-No time to lose. -No time to lose.

No. "To lose." Like Toulouse in France. "No time Toulouse."

"No time Toulouse."

"No time Toulouse."

"No time Toulouse."

No. "No time Toulouse."

"No. No time Toulouse."

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: No-time Tolouse.

[READS]

MAN: All right, you yellow-bellied sidewinder... go for your guns.

Anyway, um... no time to lose, sergeant major.

Look out, sir.

-MacDonald! -MacDonald!

We'll have to hurry, sir.

Now, MacDonald, put that down. Put that down, MacDonald.

He's reached...

He's reached the sixth plane already, sir.

Right. Here are the plans, sergeant major. Good luck.

Thank you, sir!

And, uh, good luck to you, MacDonald.

-Thank you, sir. -Right. Come on. No time to lose.

Very good, sergeant major.

Yes, excellent.

ANNOUNCER: So it was that on a cold November morning,

RSM Urdoch and Sapper MacDonald,

one of the most highly-trained kamikaze experts

the Scottish Highlands had ever witnessed,

left on a mission, which was to--

Oh, I can't go on with this drivel.

All right, MacDonald, no time to lose.

-[SCREAMING] -MacDonald!

[TIRES SCREECH]

[MacDONALD CHOKES]

In we go.

[GROANS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

That's the mission. Here's the method.

RSM Urdoch will lull the enemy into a false sense of security by giving them large quantities of money, a good home and a steady job.

Then, when they're upstairs with the wife, uh, Sapper MacDonald will hurl himself at the secret documents, destroying them and himself.

Well, that's the plan. The time is now 1942 hours.

I want you to get to bed, have a good night's rest, and be on parade early in the morning.

Thank you for listening, and thank you for a lovely supper.

"And... A-a-and-- And sue... So.

So, so, so...the-- The in-- intripted--"

-Intrepid. -Intrepid. Yeah, intrepid.

"Intrepid RSM Urdoch and super..."

-Sapper. -Sapper.

"Sapper Mac-- MacDonald..."

-ALL: Made. -"Made-- Made-- Made--

-Made their why--" -ALL: Way.

"Way to-- Towawa--"

Towards!

"Towards... Towards the-- The Roos-- Roosty?

-Roosty..."? -Russia?

ALL: Russian!

"Russian bolder."

ALL: Border!

"And so-- And so, RSM Urdoch and Sapper MacDonald made their way towards the Russian bolder."

ALL: Border!

MAN: It's not the Russian bolder.

[CLANG]

[GRUNTING]

[MUMBLING]

[CELESTIAL TUNE PLAYING]

[GRUNTING]

[MUMBLING]

[CELESTIAL TUNE PLAYING]

-[MUMBLING] -[DING]

[GRUNTING]

[PEACEFUL MUSIC SOUNDS]

[RICHARD STRAUSS' "ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA" PLAYING]

[MUSIC FALTERS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[COMIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Penguins. Yes, penguins.

What relevance do penguins have to the furtherance of medical science?

Well, strangely enough, quite a lot.

A major breakthrough, maybe.

It was from such an unlikely beginning as an unwanted fungus accidentally growing on a sterile plate, that Sir Alexander Fleming gave the world penicillin.

James Watt watched an ordinary household kettle boiling, and conceived the potentiality of steam power.

Would Albert Einstein ever have hit upon the theory of relativity if he hadn't been clever?

All these tremendous leaps forward have been taken in the dark.

Would Rutherford ever have split the atom if he hadn't tried?

Could Marconi have invented the radio if he hadn't by pure chance spent years working at the problem?

Are these amazing breakthroughs ever achieved, except by years and years of unremitting study?

Of course not. What I said earlier about accidental discoveries must have been wrong.

Nevertheless, scientists believe that these penguins, these comic, flightless, web-footed little bastards, may finally, unwittingly, help man to fathom the uncharted depths of the human mind.

Professor Rosewall of the Laver Institute.

Hello. Here at the Institute,

Professor Charles Pasarell,

Dr. Peaches Bartkowicz and myself have been working on the theory, originally postulated by the late Dr. Kramer, that the penguin is intrinsically more intelligent than the human being.

The first thing that Dr. Kramer came up with was that the penguin has a much smaller brain than the man.

This postulate formed the fundamental basis of all of his thinking and remained with him until his death.

[GRUNT]

Now, we've taken this theory one stage further.

If we increase the size of the penguin, until it is the same height as the man, and then compare the relative brain sizes, we now find that the penguin's brain is still smaller.

But, and this is the point, it is larger than it was.

For a penguin to have the same size of brain as a man, the penguin would have to be over 66-feet high.

This theory has become known as the "waste-of-time theory," and was abandoned in 1956.

Hello again. Standard IQ tests gave the following results:

The penguins scored badly when compared with primitive human sub-groups like the Bushmen of the Kalahari, but better than BBC program planners.

The BBC program planners' surprisingly high total here can be explained away as being within the ordinary limits of statistical error.

One particularly dim program planner can cock the whole thing up.

These IQ tests were thought to contain an unfair cultural bias against the penguin.

For example, it didn't take into account the penguin's extremely poor educational system.

To devise a fairer system of tests, a team of our researchers spent 18 months in Antarctica living like penguins... and subsequently dying like penguins, only quicker...

Proving that the penguin is a clever little sod in his own environment.

Therefore, we devised tests to be given to the penguins in the fourth set.

I do beg your pardon. In their own environment.

-MAN: Net! -Shh!

What is the next number in this sequence?

Two, four, six...

[PENGUIN SHRIEKS]

Did he say "eight"?

[SIGHS]

What is...?

ROSEWALL: The environmental barrier had been removed,

but we'd hit another: the language barrier.

The penguins could not speak English,

and were therefore unable to give the answers.

This problem was removed in the next series of experiments by asking the same questions to the penguins and to a random group of non-English-speaking humans in the same conditions.

What is the next number?

Two, four, six...

Hello?

The results of these tests were most illuminating.

The penguins' scores were consistently equal to those of the non-English-speaking group.

[SQUAWKS]

These enquiries led to certain changes at the BBC...

[SHRIEKING]

...while attendances at zoos boomed.

ROSEWALL: Soon these feathery little hustlers

were infiltrating important positions everywhere.

[GRUNTS]

[KICKING, SQUAWKING]

[GLASS BREAKS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[GASP]

[KICKING, GROANING]

[SHRIEKS]

[GASP]

[SHRIEKS]

[GASP]

[KICKING NOISES]

-[CROWD CHEERING] -[GASP]

-[GASP] -[GASP]

[SHRIEKING]

[SHRIEKS]

[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYS]

[IN RUSSIAN]

We must study them in conditions of absolute secrecy.

[IN RUSSIAN]

Look out!

[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYING]

-[GLASS BREAKS] -[MAN SCREAMS]

[TICKING NOISE]

He hasn't gone off.

[IN RUSSIAN]

Yes, my general!

What?

[RINGING]

[TICKING]

[SINGING]

[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

And welcome to Spot the Looney, where, once again, we invite you to come with us all over the world to meet all kinds of people in all kinds of places, and ask you to...

"Spot the Looney!"

Our panel this evening, Gurt Svensson, the Swedish mammal abuser and part-time radiator.

Good evening.

Dame Elsie Occluded, historian, wit, bon viveur, and rear half of the Johnson brothers.

Good evening.

And Miles Yellowbird, up high in banana tree, the golfer and inventor of Catholicism.

Good evening.

Ha. And we'll be inviting them to: "Spot the Looney."

[BUZZES]

Ha-ha, yes, quite right.

A viewer from Preston there who's pointed out correctly that the entire panel are loonies.

Five points to Preston there and on to our first piece of film.

It's about mountaineering. And remember, you have to spot the looney.

NARRATOR: The legendary south face of Ben Macdui,

dark, forbidding...

[CHEERFUL MUSIC SOUNDS]

[BUZZ]

Ha-ha. Yes, well done.

Mrs. Nesbitt of York spotted the looney in 1.8 seconds.

On to our second round. And it's photo time.

We're gonna invite you to look at photos of Tony Jacklin, Anthony Barber, Edgar Allan Poe,

Katy Boyle, Reginald Maudling, and a looney.

All you have to do is spot the looney.

[BUZZ]

Now, I must ask you please not to ring in until you've seen all the photos.

-[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING] -[PHONE RINGS]

[WHISTLE]

Ha-ha. Yes, you're right.

The answer was, of course, number two.

Uh, I'm afraid there's been an error in our computer.

The correct answer should, of course, have been number four, and not Katy Boyle.

Katy Boyle is not a looney.

She is a television personality.

[FANFARE PLAYING]

And now it's time for:

Spot the Looney: Historical Adaptation.

And this time it's the thrilling medieval romance, Ivanhoe.

A stirring story of love and war, violence and chivalry, set amidst the pageantry and splendor of 13th-century England.

All you have to do is spot the looney.

[BUZZING]

[BELLS RINGING]

Yes, well done, Mrs. L. of Leicester,

Mrs. B. of Buxton, and Mrs. G. of Gatwick.

The looney was of course the writer:

Sir Walter Scott.

I didn't write that! Sounds more like Dickens.

You bastard!

Was Sir Walter Scott a looney?

Or was he the greatest flowering of the early 19th-century romantic tradition?

The most underestimated novelist of the 19th century?

Or merely a disillusioned and embittered man--

Excuse me, can I borrow that, please?

-Here. -Thank you.

These trees behind me now were planted over 40 years ago as part of a policy by the then-Crown Woods, who became the Forestry Commission in 1924.

-Excuse me. -The Forestry Commission systematically replanted this entire area. Shh.

That's 40,000 acres of virgin forest.

By 1980 this will have risen to 200,000 acres of soft woods.

In commercial terms, a coniferous cornucopia, an evergreen El Dorado, a tree-lined treasure trove...

-[MURMURS] -No!

...a fat, fir-coned future for the financiers.

-But what of the cost-- -It's mine!

Go away! --in human terms?

Who are the casualties of--?

For this was Sir Walter Scott's country.

In many of his finest romances, such as Guy Mannering or Redgauntlet--

-Give that back! -No.

--Scott showed himself to be not only a f--

The spruces and firs of this forest will be used to create-- Aah!

And also a writer of humor and--

Britain's timber resources are being used up at the rate of over--

One man who knew Scott was Angus Tinker.

TINKER: Much of Scott's greatest work, and I'm thinking here particularly of Heart of Midlothian, and, uh,

Old Mortality, for example.

--was concerned with preserving the life and conditions of a--

Forestry research here has shown that a wholly synthetic soft-timber fiber can be created, leaving the harder trees: the oaks, the beeches, the larches, and the pines, and even some of the deciduous hardwoods.

-This new soft-timber fiber would-- -Can I have that back?

--totally replace the plywoods, hardboards and chipboards, at present dominating the, uh--

In the Waverley novels,

Scott was constantly concerned to protect a way of...

[THUD]

...safeguarding nationalist traditions and aspirations, within the necessary limitations of the gothic novel.

Scott explored the torturous, and at times, self-destructive--

Developments in reinforced timber--

Scott lived in Abbotsford, in the heart of the country--

Maplewood and rosewood--

A subjugated country, as Scotland--

An increase in the Canadian timber--

Which were recovering from the effects of two unsuccessful Jacobite rebellions--

For wood adhesives--

In Rob Roy and also in--

The decline in hard--

Scott was at pains to emphasize the--

[TIRES SCREECH]

[CRASH]

"Theend. The ned."

-MAN: Thend. -"The end." Ah.

ALL: The end.

"The end."

[♪♪♪]

[BUZZ]

[APPLAUSE, CROWD CHEERING]

[BUZZING]

[MOUTHS WORDS]

ANNOUNCER: Next week on Book at Bedtime:

Jeremy Toogood will be reading Anna Sewell's Black Bue--

But... Black Beut...

Black Bottom... Black Bub-- Beautum...

Black Butty...

ANNOUNCER 2: Tomorrow night, comedy returns to BBC TV

with a new series of half-hour situation comedies

for you to spot the winners.

Ronnie Thompson stars in Dad's Doctor,

the daffy exploits of the RAMC training school.

He's in charge of a group of mad medicos,

and when they run wild, it's titty jokes galore.

Newcomer Veronica Papp

plays the girl with the large breasts.

Week two sees the return of the wacky exploits

of the oddest couple you've ever seen.

Yes, Dad's Pooves.

The kooky, oddball, laugh-a-minute

fun-a-plenty world of unnatural sexual practices.

Week three brings a change of pace

to the new comedy schedules.

With Reg Cuttleworth, Trevor Quantas,

and Cindy Rommel as Bob in:

On the Dad's Liver Bachelors at Large.

Keeping the buses running from typical bed-sit land

in pre-war Liverpool.

That's followed by The Ratings Game.

The looney life of a BBC program planner,

with the accent on repeats.

Edie Phillips-Bong plays Kevin Vole,

the program planner with a problem,

and his comic attempts to pass the time.

Week six sees the return of Up the Palace...

the zany exploits of a wacky queen.

And that's followed by Limestone, Dear Limestone,

the wacky days of the late Pleistocene era,

when much of Britain's rock strata was being formed.

All this and less on Comedy Ahoy.

But now, BBC Television is closing down for the night.

Don't forget to switch off your sets.

Good night.