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Grandstand

[♪♪♪]

Good evening. We've got an action-packed evening for you tonight on Thames.

But right now, here's a rotten old BBC program.

[PLAYING FANFARE]

And now--

It's...

[♪♪♪]

[APPLAUSE]

-Ladies and gentlemen... -[CLEARS THROAT]

...Mr. Chairman, friends of the society... your dummy Royal Highness.

Once again, the year has come full circle.

And for me, there can be no greater privilege and honor than to that to which it is my lot to have befallen this evening.

There can be no finer honor than to welcome into our midst tonight a guest who has not only done only more than not anyone for our society, but nonetheless, has only done more.

He started in the film industry in 1924.

He started again in 1946.

And finally in 1963.

He has been dead for four years, but he has not let that prevent him from coming here this evening.

-Ladies and gentlemen... -[SNIFFS]

...no welcome could be more heartfelt than that which I have no doubt you will all want to join with me in giving... this great show-biz stiff.

Ladies and gentlemen, to read the nominations for the Light Entertainment Award, the remains of the late Sir Alan Waddle.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

WADDLE: The nominations are:

Mr. Edward Heath, for the new-suit sketch.

[APPLAUSE]

Mr. Richard Baker for Lemon Curry.

Lemon Curry?

[APPLAUSE]

And the Third Parachute Brigade

Amateur Dramatic Society for the Oscar Wilde sketch.

[♪♪♪]

My congratulations, Wilde.

Your latest play is a great success.

The whole of London's talking about you.

There is one thing in the world worse than being talked about.

And that is not being talked about.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Very, very witty.

Very, very witty.

Very, very witty.

There is only one thing worse than being witty.

And that is not being witty.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I wish I had said that.

Uh, you will, Oscar. You will.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Your Majesty, have you met James McNeill Whistler?

Yes, we played squash together.

There is only one thing worse than playing squash together.

And that is playing it by yourself.

I wish I hadn't said that.

-You did, Oscar. You did. -[LAUGHTER]

Excuse me, Wilde, I've got to get back up the palace.

Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top.

I beg your pardon?

Um...

It-- It was one of Whistler's.

I never said that.

You did, James. You did.

Uh... W-w-- Uh...

Well, Your Highness, what-- what I meant was that, uh, like a doughnut... um... your a-arrival gives us pleasure, and your departure only makes us hungry for more.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Uh, Your Highness, you are also like a stream of bat's piss.

-What? -It was one of Wilde's. One of Wilde's.

It sodding was not!

It was Shaw.

I-- I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.

Ah. Ha-ha-ha.

[LAUGHS]

-Right. -Smartass.

Right?

Your Majesty is like a dose of clap.

Before you arrive--

Before you arrive is pleasure,

-and after is a pain in the dong. -What?

-One of Shaw's. -One of Shaw's.

You bastards.

Um, what I meant, Your Majesty... What I meant--

-We've got him, Jim. -Come on, Shaw-y.

-WILDE: Go, Shaw-y. -I merely meant...

-Come on, Shaw-y. -Let's have a bit of the old wit, then.

WILDE: Come on, Shaw-y.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

PRINCE: Congratulations, Shaw.

[ALL CHATTERING]

MAN: Sorry, I can't hear a word you're saying.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Very amusing, Lord Kimble, but would you excuse me a moment?

I want to powder my nose.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[LOUD FLATULENCE]

[RETCHING]

[LOUD FLATULENCE]

[RETCHING, SNORTING]

[WATER SPLASHES]

[LOUD FLATULENCE]

Ah. That's better.

Have you heard the one about the one writer who was--?

-[TARZAN YELL] -[MAN SCREAMS]

MAN: Oh. It's Charwoman.

[♪♪♪]

NARRATOR: Yes, Charwoman.

Sweeping away the last remnants of male chauvinism.

Polishing off all who dare stand in her way.

And cleaning up in the publishing game.

Yes, all these and more,

as Charwoman once again takes to the skies.

[TARZAN YELL]

NARRATOR: Oh, well. Maybe next week.

-Ladies and gentlemen... -[APPLAUSE]

...seldom can it have been a greater pleasure and privilege than it is for me now to announce that the next award gave me the great pleasure and privilege of asking a man, without whose ceaseless energy and tireless skill, the British film industry would be today.

I refer, of course, to my friend and colleague,

Mr. David Niven.

[APPLAUSE]

Sadly, David Niven cannot be with us tonight.

But he has sent his fridge.

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

This is the fridge in which David keeps most of his milk, butter and eggs.

What a typically selfless gesture, that he should send this fridge of all of his fridges, to be with us tonight.

[APPLAUSE]

FRIDGE: The nominations for the best foreign film director are:

Monsieur Richard Attenborough,

Ricardo de Attenbergie,

Rik Artenborough,

Ri Char Dat En Bollo, and Pier Paolo Pasolini.

Before we hear the joint winner... let's see the one that came sixth.

Let us see Pier Paolo Pasolini's latest film.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CACKLING]

[♪♪♪]

Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

-Excuse me. -WOMAN: Huh?

Ha!

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, I mean, there's lots of people making love, but there's no mention of Geoff Boycott's average.

Who is Geoff Boycott?

And in the film, we get Fred Titmus.

Sí, Titmus. Sí, sí.

The symbol of man's regeneration through radical Marxism.

Fair enough. But-- But we never once get a chance to see him turn his off-breaks on that Brisbane sticky.

Aye, and what were all that dancing through Ray Illingworth's innings?

Forty-seven not out, and the bird comes up and feed him some grapes.

-[ALL CHATTERING] --declared.

What--? What is "declared"?

Now, what's on the other side?

[CHANGES CHANNEL]

AWARDS HOST: Nobody could be prouder...

Ugh!

Um... shall we go down and give blood?

Oh, I don't want a great bat flapping round my neck.

They don't do it like that.

They take it from your arm.

I can't give it. I caught swamp fever in the tropics.

You've never even been to the tropics.

You've never been south of Sidcup.

You can catch it off lampposts.

Catch what?

Oh, I don't know. I'm all confused.

You ought to go and see a psychiatrist.

You're a looney.

You might even need a new brain.

Oh, I couldn't afford a whole new brain.

Well, you could get one of those Curry's brains.

-How much are they? -I don't know.

I'll have a look in the catalogue. Here we are.

Battery lights, dynamo lights.

Rear lights. Brains.

-Here we are. -I'm still confused.

Oh, there's a nice one here. Thirteen and 6.

It's one of Curry's own brains.

That one looks nice. What's that?

-That's a mudguard. -It's only eight bob.

Oh, I think it's worth the extra 5 bob for the brain.

I'll give them a ring.

Hello, Curry's?

I'd like to try one of your 13-and-sixpenny brains, please.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Ye--

Um, five-and-a-half. Yes. Yes.

Thank you.

-They're sending someone round. -[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Ooh, that was quick. Come in.

Uh, hello, Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Zambezi?

Yes, that's right. Are you the man from Curry's?

Uh, no. I've just come to say that he's on his way.

-Would you sign this, please? -WOMAN: Oh, cert--

-Yes. -MAN: Thank you very much.

Ooh.

-MAN: Thank you. -Sorry.

Sorry to bother you.

-Thank you. -MAN: Thank you.

Thank you.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-He's just coming now. -Thank you.

-[KNOCKING] -Come in.

MAN: Here he is.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

Hello?

Hello!

That's not a proper salesman.

I'm not buying one from him. He doesn't give you confidence.

Doesn't give me any confidence at all.

He's obviously a dummy.

I'll ring Curry's.

Hello, Curry's?

That salesman you sent round is obviously a dummy.

Oh, thank you very much.

They're sending round a real one.

-[KNOCKING ON DOOR] -Come in.

Good morning. Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Zambezi?

-Yes, that's right. -Yes, that's right.

[DEEP VOICE] Yes, that's right.

All right, Rutherford, I'll take over.

Ooh, that's nice.

Yes, we sell a lot of these.

Right, shall we try a fitting?

Oh, do I have to have an operation?

No, madam, you just strap it on.

Doesn't it go inside my head?

Um, not the Roadster, madam. No.

You're thinking of the Brainette Major.

-How much is that? -Forty-four and 6.

Oh, no, it's not worth it.

Not with the Curry's surgery we use, no, madam.

Now, then, the best bet is the Bertrand Russell Super Silver.

That's a real beauty. 250 quid plus hospital treatment.

-Ooh, that's a lot. -It's color.

Right.

One, two, three. Testing, testing.

Mince pie for me, please.

What did she say that for?

Quiet, please. It's not adjusted yet.

Oh, I am enjoying this rickshaw ride.

I've been a Tory all my life, my life, my life.

Good morning, Mr. Presley.

How well you look. You look very well.

Our cruising speed is 610 miles per hour.

Well, well, well, porridge.

Well, well, hell, hell, hello, hello, dear.

Hello, dear!

Ooh.

Right. One, two, three...

Eight. Seven.

-[LOW VOICE] Four. -Good.

Oh, she never knew that before.

Quiet, please.

Mrs. Zambezi... who wrote the theory of relativity?

-I know! I know! -Quiet, please.

Einstane. Einstone.

Einsteen. Einston. Einstin.

-Einsten. Einstein. -Good.

-Noel Einstein. -Right.

That'll be 13 and 6, please.

Ooh, that's marvellous.

She can take it off at night, unless she wants to read.

Don't ask her too many questions, because it'll get hot.

If you do have any trouble, here's my card.

-Give us a ring. -Oh, thank you.

Give us a ring, and either myself or Mr. Rutherford will come and see you. Goodbye.

Thank you very much.

Uh, he's gone now.

Uh... shall we, uh... go down and give blood?

Yes, please, Mr. Roosevelt, but try and keep the noise to a minimum.

Oh, that's fine. I'll go and get your coat for you.

Oh, I'm quite warm in this stick of celery, thank you, Senator Muskie.

Stapling machine, Mr. Clarke.

New brain.

Stapling machine, Mrs. Worral.

Stapling machine, Mrs. Zambezi.

Are you sure that's working all right?

Oh, yes, thank you, dear. It's marvelous.

I think if we can win one or two of the early primaries, we could split the urban Republican vote wide open.

Mm-hm.

Well, here we are, then.

Oh, being President of the United States is something I shall have to think about.

-Blood donors that way, please. -Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you.

[INAUDIBLE WHISPERING]

What?

[INAUDIBLE WHISPERING]

No.

[INAUDIBLE WHISPER]

No. I'm sorry, but no.

[WHISPERS]

No, you may not give urine instead of blood.

[WHISPERS]

No, well, I don't care if you want to.

[WHISPERS]

No, there's no such thing as a urine bank.

Please.

No. We have no call for it.

We have quite enough of it without volunteers coming in here donating it.

-Just a specimen. -No, we don't want a specimen.

We either want your blood or nothing.

I'll give you some blood if you'll give me...

-What? -A thing to do some urine in.

No, no, no. Just go away, please.

Anyway, I don't want to give you any blood.

Fine, you don't have to, you see. Just go away.

-Can I give you some spit? -Nope.

-Sweat? -Nope.

-Earwax. -Nope. Look, this is a blood bank.

All we want is blood.

All right. I'll give you some blood.

-Where did you get that? -Today. It's today's.

-What group is it? -Uh, what groups are there?

-There's "A"-- -It's "A".

Wait a moment.

It's mine. This blood's mine.

-What are you doing with it? -I found it.

You found--? You stole it out of my body, didn't you?!

-No. -No wonder I'm feeling off-col--

-Give that back. -It's mine.

It is not yours. You stole it.

-Never. -Give it back to me!

All right. But only if I can give urine.

Get in the queue.

Good afternoon, and welcome to wife-swapping from Redcar.

And the big news this afternoon is that the British boy, Boris Rodgers, has succeeded in swapping his 9-stone, Welsh-born wife for a Ford Popular and a complete set of Dickens.

Well, now, I can see they're ready at the start, so let's go now over to the start of the 3:30.

ANNOUNCER 1: First let's catch up with the latest news of the betting.

ANNOUNCER 2: Number 12, Betty Parkinson, 7-to-4 on favorite.

Number 27, Mrs. Colyer 9-to-4, 5-to-1 bar those.

ANNOUNCER 1: And here's the starter, Mrs. Alec Marsh.

And they're off.

And Mrs. Rodgers is the first to show.

She goes into Mr. Johnston's.

And Mrs. Johnston across to Mr. Colyer,

followed closely by Mrs. Casey on the inside.

Mrs. Parkinson, number 12, going well

into Mr. Webster's from the co-op.

Mrs. Colyer's making ground fast after a poor start.

She's out of Mr. Casey's, into Mr. Parkinson's.

She's a couple of lengths ahead of Mrs. Johnson,

who's still not out of Mr. Casey's.

Mrs. Penguin and number 8, Mrs. Colyer,

these two now at the head of the field,

from Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Atkins, Mrs. Parkinson,

Mrs. Warner and Mrs. Rudd, all still at Mr. Phillips.'

Mrs. Penguin making a running now, challenged by Mrs. Casey.

Mrs. Casey coming from very fast on the inside.

It's gonna be Mrs. Casey coming from behind on the outside.

Mrs. Penguin running. And at the line

it's Mrs. Casey who's got it by a short head from Mrs. Penguin,

in second place, Mrs. Parkinson in third,

Mrs. Rudd, Mrs. Colyer, Mrs. Warner.

And there's Mrs. Griffiths, who's remained unswapped.

Well, a very exciting race there, and I have with me now the man who owned and trained the winner Mrs. Casey... Mr. Casey.

-Well done, Jack. -Uh, thank you, John.

Well, were you surprised about this, Jack?

No, not really. No.

She's been going very well in training at, uh, Doncaster last week.

Uh, and I fancy her very strongly for the, uh, Cheltenham weekend.

Well, thank you very much indeed, Jack.

We must leave you now, because it's time for the team event.

Hello, and a very warm welcome from the Tower ballroom suite, Reading, where there's very little in it, they're neck and neck, crop and grommet, real rack and saddle, brick and bucket, horse and tooth, cap and thigh, arse over tip.

They're absolutely birds of a feather, there's not a new pin in it.

You couldn't get a melon between them.

Well, now, everything rests on the formation event, and here comes the North West with the mambo.

Maestro, take it away, please.

-[MAMBO MUSIC PLAYING] -[MAN YELLS INDISTINCTLY]

[ALL YELLING, GRUNTING]

And now, it's time for Rugby League, highlights of this afternoon's game between Keighley and Hull Kingston Rovers.

ANNOUNCER: Well, good afternoon, and as you can see,

Hull Kingston Rovers are well in the lead.

It's a scrumdown on the 25, and Keighley,

Tom Colyer, with the put-in,

-Mrs. Colyer to be put. -[GRUNTING]

And there goes his wife deep into the scrum.

They've got the heel against the head.

Doing very nicely with this scrum.

Some very good packing here.

Warrington's picked it up. Is he going to let her go? No.

He passes to Wrigley.

-[MRS. COLYER YELLING] -[ANNOUNCER TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[MEN CHEERING]

[WHISTLE TWEETS]

ANNOUNCER: Well, that was right on the whistle.

Rovers walking it down,

winning easily by 26 points to 2.

Just a reminder: that on Match of the Day tonight, you can see highlights of two of this afternoon's big games.

Mrs. Robinson v. Manchester United and Southampton v. Mr. Rogers.

A rather unusual game, that.

And here's a late result.

Coventry City, nil, Mr. Johnson's Una, 3.

Coventry going down at home there.

Just a little reminder that the next sport you can see on BBC 1, will be 9:20 on Wednesday night, when Wife-Swapping with Coleman comes live from my place.

Till then, good night.

[♪♪♪]

There they go, the credits of the year.

Credits that you and the society voted as the credits that brought the most credit to the society.

Sadly, the man who designed them cannot be with us tonight, as he is at home asleep.

But we are going to wake him up and tell him the good news.

Are you there in Bristol, Arthur Briggs?

Oh, my God!

[APPLAUSE]

And now for the moment you've all been waiting for.

No. Not that moment.

Although, that moment is coming in a moment.

The moment I'm talking about is the moment when we present the award for the cast with the most awards award.

And this year is no exception.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you join me and welcome, please, the winners of this year's Mountbatten trophy, show business's highest accolade, the cast of the dirty-vicar sketch.

[APPLAUSE]

[SYMPHONY PLAYING]

Well... now, let us see the performances which brought them this award.

Let us see... the dirty-vicar sketch.

Have you seen Lady Windermere's new carriage, dear?

-Absolutely enchanting. -Isn't it?

-Yes. -The new vicar to see you, milady.

Ah. Send him in, Chivers.

Certainly, milady.

Now... how is your tea, dear?

A little more water perhaps?

Thank you. It's delightful as it is.

The Reverend Ronald Simms, the dirty vicar of St. Michael's-- Aah!

Hello, hello.

Craw, what a lovely bit of stuff.

I'd like to get my fingers around...

-[SHRIEKING] -Oh!

[VICAR GRUNTING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

-Oh! -How do you find the vicarage?

Yeah. I like tits.

-[YELLS] -[SHRIEKS]

-Oh, vicar! Vicar! -Oh, my goodness.

I-- I do beg your pardon. How dreadful.

I-- My first day in my new parish, I completely lost my--

-Yes. Never mind. -So sorry.

Never mind.

Uh, Chivers, send Mary in with a new gown.

-Certainly, milady. -I do beg your pardon.

I-- I'll help you sit down. I'm-- So sorry.

As I was saying, um, how do you find the new vicarage?

Oh. Oh, yes, c-certainly. Yes, indeed. Um...

I find the-- The grounds delightful and the servants most attentive.

Uh, particularly the little serving maid with the great big knockers, who once she gets going...

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[APPLAUSE]

Well, there we are.

Another year has been too soon, alas, ended.

And I think none more than myself can be happier at this time than I... am.