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The Golden Age of Ballooning

[♪]

The golden age of ballooning can be said to begin in 1783...

[METAL CLANGING]

...when the Montgolfier brothers made their first ascent in a fire balloon.

On the eve of that--

Come on, come on.

--momentous ascent, the brothers took one last look at their craft as it stood on the fields of Annencay.

This is a great moment for us, Joseph.

It is a great moment for France.

Ah, oui.

The first ascent in a hot-air balloon by the Montgolfier brothers, 1783.

I can see us now... just after Montesquieu and just before Mozart.

I think I'll go and wash. Good luck.

Oh, it's quite easy really. I just slap a little water on--

No, no, no, no. Good luck for tomorrow.

Oh, I see. Yes. You too.

Yours has been the work.

Let us hope for a safe ascent.

And, uh, don't use my flannel.

You know...when you showed me the plans in Paris,

I could not believe that we should be the first men who would fly.

Yes, it's wonderful.

I'm so excited I could hardly wash.

Yes. I, too, have had some difficulty washing these past few days.

Still, what is washing, when we are on the verge of a great scientific breakthrough?

Jacques? Yes, Joseph?

I've not been washing very thoroughly for many years now.

What do you mean?

Y-you must have been washing your face.

Oh, yes, my face. I've washed my face.

But my legs... my stomach, my chest... they're filthy.

Well, uh, I don't wash my stomach every day.

Ah, but you wash far more than me.

You are the cleaner of the Montgolfier brothers.

This is nothing, Joseph--

Monsieur Montgolfier, a Mr. Parfitt to see you, sir.

Eh, ah, no, no, no. Uh, Bartlett.

A Mr. Barklit to see you, sir.

No. Bart-lett. With a T.

A Mr. Barrat-elett to see you, sir.

Bartlett. Barkit.

Bartlett. Barklit.

Bartlett.

A Mr. Bart-lett to see you, sir.

I don't wanna see anyone, O'Toole. Tell him to go away.

Thank you, sir.

Well, it's getting late.

I must go and have a wash.

Uh, what will you be washing?

Oh, just my face and neck.

Perhaps my feet, and possibly--

But no. No.

Lock up the plans, Joseph.

Tomorrow they will make us the toast of France.

The first ascent by the Montgolfier brothers in a balloon.

Just after Ballcock and just before Bang.

What a position.

ANNOUNCER: So on June 7th, 1783,

the Montgolfier brothers had a really good wash.

Starting on his face and arms,

Joseph Michel Montgolfier went on to scrub his torso,

his legs and his naughty bits,

before rinsing his whole body.

That June night,

he and his brother between them

washed 17 square feet of body area.

They used a kilo and a half of carbolic soap

and nearly 14 gallons of nice hot water.

It was indeed an impressive sight.

Next week on The Golden Age of Ballooning,

we examine the work of Glashire and Coxwell,

the English balloonists who ascended to a height

of seven miles in 1862 without washing.

There is also a book called The Golden Age of Ballooning

published by the BBC to coincide with the series.

It's in an attractive hand-tooled binding,

Is priced 5 pounds, Is priced 5 pounds,

and failure to buy it will make you liable to a 50 pound fine

or three months in prison.

There's also a record of someone

reading the book of The Golden Age of Ballooning,

a crochet-work bedspread with the words

"The Golden Age of Ballooning" on it,

available from the BBC, price 18 pound,

or five months imprisonment.

And there are matching toilet-seat covers

and courtesy mats with illustrations

of many of the balloons mentioned.

Also available is a life-sized model frog

which croaks the words: "Golden Age of Ballooning,"

and an attractive Bakelite case

for storing motorway construction plans in,

made in the shape of a balloon.

And now, another chance to see episode two

of the award-winning series The Golden Age of Ballooning.

[♪]

Oh, Joseph. All you think about is balloons.

All you talk about is balloons.

Your beautiful house is full of bits and pieces of balloons.

Your books are all about balloons.

Every time you sing a song, it is in some way obliquely connected with balloons.

Everything you eat has to have the word "balloon" incorporated in the title.

Your dogs are all called Balloon-o.

You tie balloons to your ankles in the evenings.

I don't do that.

Well...no, you don't do that.

But you do duck down and shout:

"Hey, balloons," when there are none about.

Oh, your whole life is becoming obsessively balloonic, you know?

Ohh! Why do I have to hang from this bloody gasbag all day?

Don't I mean anything to you?

Oh, ma chérie, you mean more to me than any heavier-than-air dirigible.

Oh, there you go again! Don't waggle!

Oh. I've run your bath for you, Joseph.

Uh, oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize, uh...

It's all right. We've done the difficult bit.

Don't forget we have our special guest coming this evening. Oh?

Don't tell me you've forgotten already.

The man who is giving us thousands of francs for experiments.

What man? Louis XIV.

Isn't he dead?

Evidently not.

All right, I'll be round.

Oh, and Joseph?

Yes, Jacques?

You will...wash, won't you?

Yes, of course.

[DOOR OPENS]

His Royal Majesty Louis XIV of France.

And Mr. Bartlett.

[♪]

Your Majesty, it is a great privilege.

Welcome to our humble abode.

It's, eh, very nice to be here.

O'Toole. O'TOOLE: Sir?

Claret for His Majesty, please.

There's a Mr. Bartlett outside again, sir.

Not now. We have the king of France here.

Yes, sir.

Hm.

[EXHALES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Your Majesty, you had a-- A pleasant journey, I trust?

Yes, yes. Oh, definitely, yes, yes.

Oh, aye. Aye. Mm.

You have come from Paris?

Where?

Eh, from Paris? You have traveled from Paris?

Oh, yes, yes, yes. We've come from, eh-- From, uh, Paris.

Yes, oh, yes. Yes, we've, uh, just come from, eh...

Eh...Paris, yes.

O'TOOLE: Sir? Yes, O'Toole?

Which one is the claret, sir?

The claret is in the decanter.

The wooden thing?

No, no. The glass thing.

The glass decanter with the round glass stopper.

Oh, yes, behind the door.

No, no. On the sideboard.

The sideboard?

The sideboard, yes.

Look, you go into the salle à manger -- the dining room, right?

--and the sideboard's on your left by the wall.

Beside the master's portrait.

Oh. Above the mirror, sir?

No, no, no, no. The mirror's on the other side.

It's opposite the mirror.

But that's the table, sir.

No, you don't go as far as the table. Oh, look--

You go into the room, right?

On your right is the door to the orangery, straight ahead of you is the door to the library, and to your left... is the sideboard.

Ah, yes, I see, sir.

And the claret is on top of the sideboard, to the left.

On the left. Yes.

As one looks at it, sir? Yes.

I see, sir. Thank you.

O'Toole. Yes, sir.

Will you please tell Monsieur Joseph our guest is here.

Yes, sir.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Ah!

I'm, uh, sorry about that, Your Majesty.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

Apparently, sir, there's a plan to build a canal between the two Egyptian-- Not now, O'Toole.

Well, eh, Mr. Montgolfier, let's not beat around the bush.

My, eh-- My-- My dukes and I are very busy men.

What we'd like to do is see the, uh, plans of your proposed balloon, if that's at all possible.

Certainly. I have them here ready prepared.

Oh, great, hen. Now, what we'd like to do is, eh...take these, uh, back with us for the Royal Archives of, eh--

France. France, aye.

Well, it is indeed a great honor that I cannot refuse.

Right. Okay, let's get 'em.

JOSEPH: Just a moment! JACQUES: Joseph.

That man is not Louis XIV.

Joseph, are you out of your mind?

I've been looking it up in my bath.

Louis XIV died in 1717.

It's now 1783. Answer me that.

Did I say Louis XIV?

I'm sorry, I meant Louis XV. Louis XV.

He died in 1774.

All right.

Louis XVI.

Listen to me, smart-arse... when you're king of France, you've got better things to do than go around all day remembering your bloody number.

[BONES SNAP, GRUNTING]

All right. You wanna argue about numbers? No, no.

Boys, get hold of these plans for the Royal Archives.

We've gotta get back to, eh... Paris.

Paris. By tonight. come on, let's move.

I got as far as the sideboard, sir.

Stop them, stop them. Oof!

Ohh!

No news on the canal, I'm afraid, sir, but apparently in India... [SCREAMS]

...they're thinking of building a railway between the towns of Lahore...

ANNOUNCER: Will Louis XIV get away

with the Montgolfiers' precious plans?

Is 16 years of work to be stolen

by this suspect sovereign?

Is France really in the grip of a Glaswegian monarch?

Watch next week's episode

of The Golden Age of Ballooning now.

[♪]

So now that the government has collapsed and shown itself incapable of providing any kind of unifying force,

I feel that we do need the kind of stability and the breathing space that a military presence would provide.

Lord Interest?

Yes, I-I agree the army should take over, but I think it should not interfere with the program of street executions, which I feel have been the shot in the arm that the British economy so desperately needed.

Yes, the Montgolfier brothers' plans did indeed turn up, six months later and a long way from Paris, at the court of King George III of England.

[♪]

"Titty was very worried.

"Where could Mary be?

"He looked everywhere.

"Under the stones and behind the bushes.

"And Mr. Squirrel helped him

"by looking up in the trees.

And Mr. Badger helped him by looking under the ground--"

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

"And so, Your Majesty, we, the Commons do herein crave and, eh--"

Your Majesty, Louis XVIII is here.

Who is Louis XVIII?

He is the king of France, Your Majesty.

Uh, this is a great moment to have, sir.

There is no Louis XVIII.

MAN: Psst.

[MUTTERS] Tell him to stop mucking about, Louis XVII's out here.

He craves Your Majesty's pardon.

He has had a long journey here and miscounted.

He is Louis XVII.

Louis XVI is dead already?

MAN: No, I don't--

Oh, don't you tell me-- I know my name.

I know about the numbers. I know this country...

If he doesn't know the bloody--

[BONE CRACKS, GROANING]

Your Majesty, I'm Louis XVI-- Oh, Christ.

Your Majesty, I'm Louis XVI, as you so rightly say, and I don't wanna muck about.

I've got a wee proposition, which could make the name of George IV the most respected in Europe.

George III. Aye, Geo-- George III.

Sorry. Where can we talk?

Did you see that? [GROANING]

We shall have a state banquet at St. James's Palace.

No, I don't wanna hang about. Take it or leave.

I gotta get back to... DUKE: Paris.

Paris, by tonight, you know.

Must you leave us, Louis?

Yeah, I'd rather just sell the plans and nip off, Georgie boy.

Well, all right. We shall buy the plans, if you will undertake to disengage your troops in America.

Do what?

And I shall give you 10,000 pound for the plans.

Ten thousand pounds?

Right. All right, well, we'll, uh--

We'll, uh, disengage the, um, you know...

Like you said, we'll disengage 'em.

Tell you what, hen, I'll put a duke onto it, okay? Right.

Oh, it's worst thing you can do to anybody.

You asked for it, sonny.

Well, you could've broke my nose. I'll break it your--

North, please! NORTH: Well, you saw it.

It was right on the bone.

North, will you send for the Duke of Portland?

We have a financial matter to discuss.

Well, it really hurt.

No, d-- I think it's better if you give the money to us.

You know, we're going back. We've got a bag.

No, no-- Don't-- Don't worry, Louis.

We shall talk to your Monsieur Necker.

Ah, well-- A-- Actually, we'd rather you didn't, you know.

We've been having a wee bit of trouble with him recently.

Monsieur Necker? The man who introduced so many valuable reforms, and proved so popular, despite his opposition to Mirabeau's policy of issuing assignats?

Uh, aye, yeah. But, eh, the trouble is he's been drinking a bit recently.

Fourteen lagers with his breakfast, that sort of thing.

Well, very well, Louis.

Just a moment!

Oh, Christ. What are you doing?

I am Joseph Montgolfier, the inventor of the fire balloon.

The man before you is an impostor.

Oh, no, I am not. Honestly.

No, no, no. Not you, Your Majesty. This man.

This Louis, the so-called king of France man.

Which number did he give you this time, Louis XXIII?

I got it right!

Yeah, I bet you took a few guesses.

Listen, you spotty Sassenach pillock.

Your Majesty, the Ronettes are here.

And Mr. Bartlett.

♪ George III ♪ ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ George III ♪

♪ George III ♪

♪ George III ♪

♪ George III ♪

♪ George III ♪

Mmph! Oh, dear.

I'm not supposed to go mad until 1800!

♪ George III ♪

♪ George III ♪

♪ George III ♪

♪ George III ♪

♪ George III ♪

♪ George III ♪

Oh.

Joseph has been gone for six months now.

We have heard nothing.

He can look after himself.

Oh. But he had only on a towel, you know.

Antoinette...from now on, there is only one Montgolfier brother.

But Louis XIV has the plans.

Oh, you must wait until Joseph returns.

The plans are here, chérie.

Let me put my tongue in your mouth.

What do you mean?

We're supposed to be French, aren't we?

No, no, no. I mean, what are the plans which Joseph after is chasing?

Please, let me put it in a little way. The plans!

I take it out if you don't like it. No, listen--

Are you sure the claret was on the left of the sideboard, sir?

Yes, O'Toole, it's always been there.

Well, I'll look for one more month, sir.

Please let me put my tongue-- No, no.

By the way, sir,

Mr. Bartlett has gone, sir.

He said he couldn't wait any longer.

Thank you, O'Toole. Not at all, sir.

I've enjoyed being in it. Right.

Thank you, sir. Mademoiselle.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

By the way, sir, Mr. Bartlett has gone, sir.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

He said he couldn't wait any longer, sir.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

Thank you, O'Toole.

Not at all, sir, I've enjoyed being in it.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

Right. Thank you, sir. Mademoiselle.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: George III was arranged and composed by Neil Innes.

He is available from the BBC, price 4 pound,

or eight months imprisonment.

That was episode three

of The Golden Age of Ballooning.

May I remind you that there's still time to get

your Golden Age of Ballooning suppositories

direct from the BBC,

price 4.50 or 19 pound for a set of six.

Well, in a moment the BBC

will be closing down for the night.

But first,

here is a party political broadcast

on behalf of the Norwegian Party.

[SPEAKING NORWEGIAN]

[BUZZING]

ANNOUNCER: That broadcast will be discussed later

by Lord George-Brown, ex-foreign secretary,

Mr. Sven Olafson, the ex-Norwegian

minister of finance,

Sir Charles Ollendorff, ex-chairman

of the Norwegian Trades Council,

Mr. Hamish McLavell, the mayor of Wick,

the nearest large town to Norway,

Mrs. Betty Norday, whose name sounds remarkably like Norway,

Mr. Brian Waynor, whose name is an anagram of Norway,

Mr. and Mrs. Ford, whose name sounds like fjord,

of which there are a lot in Norway,

Ron and Christine Boslow--

[♪]

NARRATOR: Ferdinand von Zeppelin was born in Konstanz in 1838,

the brother of Barry Zeppelin,

the least talented of the 14 Zeppelin brothers.

[♪]

[BLOWING]

Hmm.

[BLOWING]

Hm.

[BLOWING]

Meanwhile, for Ferdinand von Zeppelin,

the year 1908 was a year of triumph.

[SYMPHONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Herr Zeppelin, it's wonderful.

It's put ballooning right back on the map.

It's not a balloon. Do you hear?

It's not a balloon. It's an airship!

An airship, do you hear?!

Well, it's very nice anyway.

Tell me, uh, what is the principle of this balloon?

It's not a balloon, you stupid, thickheaded, Saxon git!

It's not a balloon!

Balloons is for kiddy-winkies.

If you want to play with balloons, get outside!

[SCREAMING]

"Yorkshire pudding.

A type of thick pancake, eaten with large--"

[CRASHING]

I hear you are to name the balloon after Bismarck.

Bismarck? Of course I'm not calling it after Bismarck.

It's a Zeppelin!

It's nothing to do with bloody Bismarck!

Surely he gave you some money for it.

Get outside! [SCREAMING]

[SLOWLY] "Zabaglione.

"A sort of cream mouse--

Mousse --of Italian origin."

[CRASHING]

Ferdinand, that was a minister of state you just threw out of the balloon.

It's not a balloon!

It's an airship! All right, I'm sorry.

All right, go and have a look!

No, I'm fine here, thank you.

[MEN SCREAMING]

"Zucchini.

Italian mallows--"

[CRASHING]

"Zingara.

"A garnish of finely chopped or shredded lean ham--"

[CRASHING]

"Tongue...

[CRASHING]

...mushrooms and truffles."

[CRASHING]

"Zakuski.

"A Russian hors d'oeuvre served--"

[CRASHING]

"With tiny pieces of sliced--"

Oh, look. It's the chancellor.

Oh.

Prince Von Buelow? Here? Yeah.

Coming here? No, no. He is here.

Oh! I must go and put my old uniform on.

He won't notice, Helmut.

He's dead.

Dead? Here?

Ja, in our sitting room.

This is our sitting room, dear.

Ja, well, you know what I mean.

The drawing room.

Ja. Well, it's a kind of sitting room.

Well, it's, mmm...

Look.

Which one is Von Bu%low?

Here, look. Oh, ja.

Und-- Und Admiral Tirpitz. Oh, ja, ja.

And von Muller and Reichner. Oh, ja.

And-- And-- And Hollweg. Oh.

And von Graunberg.

This isn't Graunberg.

This is Graunberg. Oh, yeah?

This is, uh, Moltke.

Oh, ja.

He's a lot older than I thought. Oh, ja.

He's a clever man, ja.

And Zimmermann. Ja.

And-- And-- And Klimt.

Oh, Klimt, ja. Oh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, what shall we do, Helmut?

We must-- We must ring the government.

This is the government, Helmut.

Oh, dear.

It is a great honor to have so many members of the government dead in our sitting room.

Drawing room. Ja, well...

There are no dead government members in our sitting room.

Ja, but you know what I mean.

Well, it's...

Perhaps, eh, I should make a little speech or something.

Uh, no, not a speech, Helmut, no.

Shall we make them a cup of tea?

No, it would be-- It would be a waste of tea.

We must do something. So many important people in our drawing room. Must do something.

Uh...

We could... sort them out.

And make a little list. Ja. Oh, j a, ja, ja.

Good. We could put the ministers for internal affairs over against the wall... Ja.

...and those for internal, here by the clock.

And sort them out alphabetically?

Nein, nein, nein. We just put the cleanest by the door.

Oh, ja. Ja.

[CLEARS THROAT] Very good.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY, GRUNTING]

No, no, no, that is-- That is von Buelow

He must go over here.

But that is my reading chair.

He is the Reichskanzler of Germany, Helmut.

All right. But I think he would have been better up against the clock, you know.

No, he would not look nice under the clock.

I did not say under the clock. I said against the clock.

Well, then we could not see the clock.

Put the minister for the colonies under there.

He's small.

The colonies are internal affairs.

He must go against the wall.

Education. Ah!

[GRUNTING]

Soon we'll be able to make a list.

Oh, ja, ja.

Wait a minute. Who's that by the cat litter?

I don't know. I've never seen him before.

He is not a member of the government.

Get him out of here.

Put him in the drawing room.

He's in the drawing room, my dear.

Ja, well, you know what I mean. Put him in the sitting room.

Ja, ja. It's all the same.

I must put him in the sitting room if he's in the drawing room.

NARRATOR: Count Ferdinand von Zeppelin's behavior on that flight in 1900

had incredible, far-reaching consequences.

For one of the falling ministers,

the talented Herr von Meintlitz,

architect of the new German expansionist farm policy,

fell on top of an old lady in Nimwegen,

killing her outright.

Her daughter, Alice,

suffered severe cerebral damage

from the talented minister's heavy briefcase...

but was nursed back to life

by an English doctor, Henderson.

Eventually, they married.

And their eldest son, George Henderson,

was the father of Mike Henderson,

producer and director of The Golden Age of Ballooning.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: ...Mr. and Mrs. Rita Trondheim,

Reginald Bosankway,

who would be next to Norway in a rhyming dictionary

if it included proper names,

and if he pronounced his name like that.

[♪]